Since being added to the game of musical chairs otherwise known as the president’s legal defense team, Rudy Giuliani has embarked on a media tour that is either evidence of a psychotic break, a secret plot to get Trump impeached (a girl can dream), or a desperate attempt to steal the media spotlight from Kanye West and Kim Kardashian-West – I mean, Jong-Un. While Giuliani’s interviews are objectively hilarious, I assume you have better things to stream than Fox & Friends all day. (Congrats! You have more to do than the president!) Because we still want you to be able to talk shit about Giuliani with your coworkers, we recapped ten of the most outlandish claims he’s made to the press this week. Let the crazy Giuliani quotes begin.
1. The First Admission: Trump Reimbursed Cohen for Paying Stormy
An oldie but a goodie. Giuliani began his media circuit last Wednesday with a Fox interview with Sean Hannity. In the exchange below, America’s Mayor admitted that Donald Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen for the $130k he paid to keep Stormy quiet about her affair with the president.
GIULIANI: Having something to do with paying some Stormy Daniels woman $130,000? Which, I mean, is going to turn out to be perfectly legal. That money was not campaign money. Sorry, I’m giving you a fact now that you don’t know. It’s not campaign money. No campaign finance violation.
HANNITY: They funneled it through a law firm.
GIULIANI: They funneled through a law firm, and the president repaid it.
HANNITY: …Oh. I didn’t know that. He did.
So, Trump’s months of denials that he paid for Stormy’s silence were basically a huge lie? Yep! The fact that the president’s lawyer couldn’t even get through a Fox News interview without incriminating himself says a lot.
2. Very Regular Bribery
In the same interview, excerpted below, Giuliani repeatedly insists that paying off your client’s alleged mistress is a “very regular thing” for lawyers. Sure, super normal, not like lawyers are supposed to abide by the laws that make corruption illegal or anything.
“The settlement payment, which is a very regular thing for lawyers to do. The question there was, the only possible violation there would be: Was it a campaign finance violation? Which usually results in a fine, by the way, not this big stormtroopers coming in and breaking down his apartment and breaking down his office. That was money that was paid by his lawyer, the way I would do, out of his law firm funds or whatever funds — it doesn’t matter.”
Yes Rudy, it totally doesn’t matter what funds were used to hide information about a presidential candidates’ alleged mistress from the voting public. Also, seems like a great idea to admit you would do the exact same thing Michael Cohen is currently being investigated for!
3. Everyone Loves Michael Cohen
Giuliani and Hannity then spent a few minutes gushing about their shared love of Michael Cohen. Cute.
GIULIANI: I like Michael a lot, you like Michael a lot —
HANNITY: I’ve known him a long time.
GIULIANI: I feel very bad he’s been victimized like this. The president feels even worse.
Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by the fake news media!
4. Very Busy People
When asked if Trump knew exactly what he was paying Michael Cohen for, Giuliani claimed that Cohen probably didn’t give Trump the specifics, because lawyers like Cohen and Giuliani don’t want to bother their incredibly busy clients with unimportant details about what they’re being paid for. It must be nice when your lawyer takes care of minor obstacles like a porn star who claims you had an extramarital affair, and doesn’t interrupt your busy schedule of other affairs and colluding with foreign governments to tell you about it!
He didn’t know about the specifics of it, as far as I know. But he did know about the general arrangement, that Michael would take care of things like this. Like, I take care of this with my clients. I don’t burden them with every single thing that comes along. These are busy people.
5. Trump Might Testify
On Sunday, Giuliani said on ABC that he has no idea whether Trump will testify, and he probably can’t convince him not to. At least he’s honest! When asked directly if Trump would testify and try to plead the 5th, he said:
How can I ever be confident of that?… I’m facing a situation with the president and all the other lawyers are, in which every lawyer in America thinks he would be a fool to testify, I’ve got a client who wants to testify.
Casual reminder that Donald Trump once said that “only the mob” pleads the 5th.
6. Don’t Fuck With Ivanka (Sorry Jared)
When asked whether the special counsel might investigate Jarvanka, Giuliani literally acts like he’s a medieval knight tasked with protecting the crown prince and princess, which tbh is kind of accurate at this point in our non-democracy:
I think I would get on my charger and go right into their offices with a lance if they go after Ivanka. … Now, I think if they do do Ivanka, which I doubt they will, the whole country will turn on them. They’re going after his daughter? … Jared is a fine man, you know that. But men are, you know, disposable. But a fine woman like Ivanka? Come on.
My charger?! A lance?! Cool, the American government is basically being run by the Knights Templar. While I agree with the statement that men are disposable, I’m not so sure that Trump does. Also, Giuliani should probably remember that Trump considers his own daughter a fine “piece of ass,” not a woman.
7. Trump Probs Forgot He Paid Cohen
In an interview with the Washington Post, Giuliani waffled on when exactly the president was told about the payments by Cohen, before bizarrely claiming that regardless of when he was told, he wouldn’t have remembered it:
He wasn’t, since it was somewhere between ten and five days before the election. And he wasn’t told. But even if he was told, he wouldn’t have remembered it, like I wouldn’t have remembered it.
Because who would remember that their lawyer paid off one of the multiple women who want to expose your affairs and sexual escapades days before getting elected to the highest office in the land? Honestly seems like a minor detail in the grand scheme of covering up the pee tape and your children’s attempts to get dirt on Hillary from Russian operatives.
8. 100k is Pocket Change
On Fox & Friends last Thursday, GIuliani literally said that $135,000 is “pretty close” to pocket change. Considering a single Presidential visit to Mar-A-Lago can cost $3.5 million, Giuliani isn’t wrong, he’s just extremely offensive to the vast majority of Americans. Is “pocket” code for “bank accounts of Russian oligarchs”???
I know $135,000 — and I don’t want to demean anyone — but $135,000 seems like a lot of money. It’s not when you are putting $100 million into your campaign. It isn’t pocket change, but it’s pretty close to it at the end…And I think when Cohen heard $130,000, he said, ‘My God, this is cheap.
9. Shocker: Giuliani is Not an Expert
Giuliani explaining how little he knows about Trump’s legal status sounds like me trying to get out of an exam I didn’t study for:
This is, you know, 1.2 million documents. I’ve been in the case for two weeks. Virtually one day, in comparison to other people. So I’m not an expert on the facts, yet. I’m getting there.
“I’m not an expert on the facts.” – The President of the United States’ lawyer.
10. He Might be Getting Fired
To wrap up this list of unhinged commentary, we have Giuliani’s manic response to the question of whether he is likely to be the next addition to the ever-growing list of fired or retired Trump lawyers:
No, no, no! I’m not going to get fired (laughs). But if I do, I do. It wouldn’t be the first time it ever happened. But I don’t think so, no. (laughs)
Rudy’s manic laughter here makes 2007 Britney look calm and collected. At this point, it is impossible to predict what he is going to do next. I honestly feel like he might Instagram story the pee tape next week. It’s Giuliani, bitch.
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Neighbors are the goddamned worst. This is not just a common cliché – it is fact. In college, we had our fair share of upstairs neighbors who sounded like their squeaky bedframes were going to break through the ceiling and fall on our faces. That Seth Rogen/Zac Efron movie, Neighbors, proved that even if you live next door to the most gorgeous human specimen to ever exist (call me, Zac), your neighbor will probably make your life a living hell. Two other neighbors who haven’t exactly been on loving terms lately are Rand Paul and his next-door neighbor, who got in a dispute that went from 0 to 100 real fast.
Who TF Is Rand Paul Again?
In case you need a refresher because all greying, white, male conservative politicians with one-syllable names blend together, let us remind you who we’re talking about here. Rand Paul is a senator from Kentucky with
Justin Timberlake circa 1995 hair who had his hat in the race for President last year, but dropped out when he came in 5th out of 12 candidates in the Iowa Republican Caucus. As someone who also quits the second I’m not the best at something, I respect that. My illustrious soccer career ended in preschool and I’ve never looked back.
WTF Happened Here?
According to reports, Rand Paul was minding his business, mowing his expensively manicured lawn on his rich guy ride-along lawnmower, when his neighbor, Rene Boucher, went full Lemonade and beat the shit out of him. Boucher sits on the opposite side of the political spectrum, so at first, many assumed this might have something to do with their wildly different political views. Apparently, it all boiled down to a “landscaping issue”, with Boucher reportedly spazzing out because Paul blew a couple of lawn trimmings over into his yard. Dude needs a Xanax like, yesterday.
I know firsthand how completely psychotic neighbors get about their precious lawns – my parents once got a hand written letter in their mailbox because our petty af neighbors claimed that looking at the back side of our lawn decorations was an “eyesore.” Then, they built a fucking fence in the middle of our shared lawn to mark their territory. So we put some big-ass trees on our side of the fence. How’s that for an eyesore, bitch? Check yourself before you bring a knife to a petty gunfight.
Neighbors aren’t totally positive that stray branches caused
Gretchen Weiners to crack Boucher to tackle Paul like a Real Housewife in a catfight, but many say that this conflict has been boiling below the surface for years. Paul ended up with a buildup of fluid around his lungs and six broken ribs as a result of the attack, which is like, pretty fucking serious. Police have charged Boucher with fourth-degree-assault, which is two degrees away from Kevin Bacon, and negative four degrees away from some highly probable jail time.
Here’s hoping Rand Paul has a speedy recovery because, regardless of how you feel about politics, no one deserves six crushed ribs when the argument comes down to leaves. However, I will say that this whole incident is truly bizarre and better than half of the reality TV garbage I subject myself to on a weekly basis. So if someone wants to challenge Kellyanne Conway to a UFC match, I’m not going to not watch, is all I’m saying.
The year is 2017. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, Nazis are roaming amongst us, mass shootings are the new norm, and people are still talking about Hillary Clinton as if she had actually become president. This woman has suffered more in the public eye than all the Spacey’s and Weinstein’s combined, and yet we still can’t let her rest. Hillary and the 2016 Presidential Election are back in the news thanks to Donna Brazile, former interim DNC chair, and her new book Hacks. In it, Brazile low-key alleges that Hillary and Co. rigged the nomination process against Bernie Sanders, effectively awakening every Bernie Bro in a 1000-mile radius and arming them with enough “Well actually…’”s to last until the next election. Thanks, Donna. As if living in Portland wasn’t already hard enough.
So WTF Is Brazile Saying?
According to an excerpt from Donna’s book published by Politico, the DNC was a sinking ship when she took over after Debbie Wasserman Schultz resigned. She promised Bernie to get to the bottom of the nomination process and figure out if he’d been wronged, as was suggested by some leaked emails stolen by Russian hackers. Though nothing blatantly unethical was going on, she believed that the DNC was biased.
So WTF Are Democrats Saying About This Shitshow?
Enter Elizabeth Warren, our favorite Trump hating senator, who was an adamant Bernie supporter before switching camps like every rational human should have done after the convention to support Hillary. In light of this news, when asked recently if she believed that the democratic primaries had been rigged in favor of Hillary, Warren responded with a resounding and hard to misinterpret “yes.” Yikes. Not even Olivia Pope could come in and spin that one.
Our favorite crazy grandpa Bernie, for his part, is staying relatively quiet. He and the rest of the high ranking Democrats involved recognize that this story blowing up is an attempt by the White House to distract from the fact that Manafort, Trump’s campaign manager, was just indicted in the Russia investigation and that Kushner is likely not far behind. Kind of like when you’d throw your siblings under the bus in high school to distract from the fact that you clearly came home wasted the night before, except with a whole lot more treason involved. While likely not psyched, and even less surprised, Bernie is a team player. Other than coming out and calling it a “shocking revelation,” his camp is refraining from adding fuel to this already dramatic fire.
Ugh So What Is Trump
Psyched that someone else was fucking up for a change, Trump took to Twitter at his usual 3AM over the weekend to accuse Hillary of “real collusion” and demand that the FBI and justice department by step in. My entire understanding of the US political system stems from a single class in high school that was half-assed taught by our clinically depressed wrestling coach, and yet somehow I am still better equipped to understand this shit than the actual President of the United States of America.
So WTF Is Happening Now?
At this point, Brazile jumped back in the ring to tell Trump to fuck off and establish that she never said Hillary rigged the election. A little late, but thanks for the effort hun. Warren and Sanders jumped on board, reminding everyone that Trump has a tendency to blow up minor issues when his administration is in the middle of doing something extra shady, AKA anytime his administration does anything.
Since then, Brazile has backed down on the Hillary accusations while still defending her right to tell her side of the story. In fact, she told all her critics to straight up go to hell for trying to silence her. On one hand, you go Glen Coco. On the other, dropping this info a-la-Comey a week before off-year elections to further divide the Democratic party was maybe the least chill thing she could have done.
TL;DR: All is not well in girl world, which is the last thing the Democratic party needs right now. As long as indictment season keeps rolling, you can expect Trump to try and make a big a deal out of this as possible to distract from the fact that his administration is burning to the ground. Don’t be fooled.
On that note – it’s election day, Betches. Voting is not only easy and chic but quite literally so necessary right now, so get your newly informed asses to the polls ASAP.