These days, my typical morning routine includes Googling whether it’s safe to venture outside today and if there are COVID-19 cases on the rise, followed by how much closer we are to discovering if we’ve found a vaccine, and finally, scouring articles to figure out if there are any long-term consequences of using so much hand sanitizer. And then before I know it, I’m seeking out more of this depressing and potentially negative info, even though I know it’s not helping with my sanity. Apparently, there’s even a term to describe this kind of behavior: doomscrolling. Merriam-Webster defines doomscrolling as “the tendency to continue to surf or scroll through bad news, even though that news is saddening, disheartening, or depressing.” While I truly believe that knowledge is power, too much of anything can be detrimental to one’s health. In fact, going overboard with this kind of activity can have negative consequences on one’s mental and physical well-being, especially in these scary times.
As tempting as it may be to constantly hit refresh, we don’t have to stay stuck in this endless cycle of terror and misery. There is a way out, and that’s to cultivate an awareness of this type of toxic behavior and make a conscious decision to press the pause button on all the craziness that surrounds us. Betches spoke with Dr. Eudene Harry, Medical Director for Oasis Wellness and Rejuvenation Center, and Dr. Braulio Mariano Mejia, Medical Director of The Palm Beach Institute, specializing in Addiction Medicine for insight into what’s going on with our minds and bodies. They shined some light on what to do when the line between staying informed and ruining your mental health becomes blurred and offered us some tactics on how to set healthy boundaries between us and the news.
How To Recognize When The News Is Making Us Feel Bad
It can be difficult to attribute our emotions directly to the news—oftentimes we’ll think our negative feelings are caused by another trigger. While some types of news can conjure obvious and overt reactions, other times, the feelings can be subtle, like a slow and steady burn. Dr. Harry says that it’s important to check in with yourself frequently. She says, “ask yourself if you felt bad after watching the news. Did you feel motivated to act or did it leave you feeling drained and paralyzed? Are you feeling depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, helpless or apathetic? Is your heart racing? Does breathing feel shallow, fast and not enough?” These are the sorts of physiological cues she says you should pay attention to.
Additionally, Dr. Mariano Mejia says that there are behavioral and physical attributes that could be indicative of your emotional upheaval: “ask yourself, ‘have I been alienating my loved ones?’ ‘Have I been isolating from those I care about?’ ‘Have I been neglecting my family?’ ‘Have I been slacking at work?’ ‘Have I been having difficulty sleeping?’ ‘Has there been a change in my libido/sexual interest?’ Have there been any recent weight fluctuations?’” All of this matters and it’s important to take time for yourself to answer these questions honestly. It’s like going through your own personal mental checklist (it may also help to run through this aloud or write it down). If you’re answering yes to any of these questions, both doctors advise that you should regroup and recharge, stat.
Actually, It’s About Introspection
Dr. Mariano Mejia says that the first thing to understand about doomscrolling is that it speaks to our human nature more than anything else. “This phenomenon is more about the need to have some introspection. It’s about recognizing the need to stop for a second and ask yourself if repetitive news (fake or not) is necessary to get you emotionally or professionally where you want to be.”
The most important thing here is to determine whether this information will make a difference in the comfort of your professional and personal life. If not, you can do without this unhelpful stimuli. Dr. Mariano Mejia points out that we as humans have a tendency to obsess over minute things in our lives and that “in order to reduce our anxiety we act on these obsessions, which is a compulsion. In this instance, this compulsive behavior to turn to the media/news evolves into a negative pattern, thus creating a temporary relief.” However, if this tendency is left unaddressed, he says that it could lead to negative consequences.
The good news is that conversely, with this same ability, you can train your brain to be a more healthy and balanced one, simply by actively recognizing that you have the power and opportunity to step away from anything you deem to be detrimental to your health. “Introspection is more than simply taking a break. It requires you to stop, evaluate your conscious thoughts and feelings,” Dr. Mariano Mejia remarks. “This process allows you to look at yourself in order to determine what is most important in your life.” In a nutshell, think of it as an empowered “you do you” sentiment.
Why You Have All Of These Feels
Dr. Harry says, “your body and mind are being overwhelmed, and as a result, it is constantly activating the stress response system over and over again, continuously flooding the mind and the body with stress hormones.” She references clinical studies from Harvard and the National Library of Medicine in which voluntary participants were shown stress-inducing/upsetting pictures and videos. Though they were not actually subjected to the turmoil itself, ultimately, viewing upsetting material resulted in the body exhibiting the same level of heightened stress and trauma. She surmised from these studies that if these feelings are left to fester, it can result in an increased risk of developing psychological trauma, anxiety disorders, depression and other psychological conditions—as well as physical ailments such as heart disease and diabetes.
Ok, So I Feel Like Sh*t—How Do I Make It Better?
Say it with me: SELF-CARE. It’s not just some buzzword we see hashtagged to death on Instagram, but a real and positive force that can truly help with our health and wellness if we embrace it.
sometimes self care is an everything bagel
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 16, 2020
Create A Routine That Works For You
Dr. Mariano Mejia says that this can include proper hygiene, good nutrition, regular exercise, and healthy social interactions. Examples of healthy social interactions include interactions that limit exposure to negative people, maintaining positive conversations, and setting boundaries with your peers.
Quality Over Quantity
Dr. Harry says to rely on a trusted news source and consume it for 10 to 20 minutes a day to gather the highlights. Additionally, Dr. Mariano Mejia says that when you do seek out information, stick to factual content rather than opinion-based or emotionally biased stories. “A reliable source such as the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) would be recommended, but on a limited basis,” he explains. “Official information as it changes and advances on the studies of the novel coronavirus will not take place minute to minute or even hourly,” so there’s no need to obsessively hit that refresh button. He says you can also control how you remain informed by simply consulting your medical professional/family physician. Additionally, you can consider using free resources, such as Nurses On-Call.
Timing Matters
Dr. Harry advises against starting and ending the day with your news (lol, I suppose I’m doing this wrong then). She says, “you want to set (an optimistic) tone for your day. Starting it with potentially startling content gives you no time to prepare how to approach your day. As a result, you have immediately engaged your stress and vigilance systems that can leave you feeling edgy, jumpy, and anxious all day.”
Get Your Beauty Rest
This is related to timing and is why we shouldn’t be inundating our brains with news before going to bed at night or when we get up in the morning. “Sleep is incredibly important; however, it will be difficult to get sound slumber if you’ve just flooded your brain with potentially traumatizing information and events,” says Dr. Harry. It can be a lot to process and can leave you tossing and turning all night. She adds, “it’s also another sure-fire way to increase your risk of inflammation and illness.”
Unplug And Shut Down All The Things
The world can be a Debbie Downer sometimes, so if you want to chill out for the day and decompress, absolutely go for it. “That’s completely okay—take even a few days and go offline from all media to regain your equilibrium. No one knows how you are feeling but you. So find out what works for you,” offers Dr. Harry.
You Are Not Alone
Through these challenging times, it’s understandable to seek out answers and information to decrease feelings of anxiety and to feel more comforted. However, you don’t have to go it alone: “don’t hesitate to seek out support. If you are still having difficulties and can’t seem to break free or reduce the negative impact on your own, you may benefit from seeking the assistance of a trained and qualified mental health professional,” says Dr. Mariano Mejia.
Peace And Pleasure
Yeah, we’ve all been baking to reduce the stress, but it keeps us cooped up inside. Dr. Harry says that as an alternative, why not consider simply getting outside (safely) for an easy means of decompression? “This may be a nature walk, time with friends via a social distancing/park gathering, meditating, yoga/breathing deeply, and art (painting/pottery), etc.” It’s about actively distancing yourself from the negative cycle and instead, doing something that brings you peace and a sense of calmness. “More importantly, these activities give your body the chance to recover and reset,” she explains.
Doomscrolling may sound like some apocalyptic reckoning, but just remember that ultimately, you have the power to wield control over your thoughts and feelings. We may all be susceptible to this zombie-like trance of doomscrolling, but all it takes is a gentle reminder to pull ourselves out of this rut, turn off our smart devices and the news, and reconnect with elements of our humanity that fill us with joy. We got this.
Images: Bongkarn Thanyakij / Pexels; Chrishell Stause / Instagram; Diet Starts Tomorrow / Instagram (2); Tenor; Katy Perry / Twitter
In the midst of her husband’s tweetstorms Kim Kardashian-West is acting increasingly more and more impressive, and that makes me wonder if there’s a finite amount of composure between the two of them and she is currently using it all up. Whatever the case, Kim K isn’t letting anything distract her from literally like saving someone’s life. In an interview with Mic, she sat down and explained her current project. No it isn’t a handbag or lip gloss. Kim is working her ass off to free Ms. Alice Marie Johnson, a 62 year old grandmother sentenced to life in prison for first time drug use.
After seeing @Mic’s video about #AliceMarieJohnson, a great-grandmother serving a life sentence without parole for a nonviolent drug offense, @KimKardashian explains in an exclusive sit-down what drove her to act and why she’s talking to the White House. https://t.co/SX0CJhFENQ pic.twitter.com/dL6PHmPy5D
— Mic (@mic) May 9, 2018
She has hired Ms. Alice a new legal team and more impressive than that, she’s been in close contact with Jared Kushner and others in the White House. Is there a single thing braver than that in this day and age? I honestly don’t think so.
Mic got straight to the point and was like, “why are you working with Trump because you know like everyone hates him, right?” And Kim in the coolest way possible was like, “I’m using my celebrity for good and this isn’t about Trump, why are you so obsessed with him??”
Okay, so she actually said, ““I’m just focused on criminal justice reform and helping one person at a time. And so far, the White House has been really receptive to my calls, and I’m grateful for that. And I’m not going to stop that because people personally don’t like Trump.”
I honestly don’t know if I could be as big of a person as Kim is. I raise my canned rosé to her. Also in the interview, which you really should watch instead of doing any real work today, she gives a shout out to social media and it’s capability to bring about change. She said, “I just think that so many young people have such a big voice and it’s really inspiring to see. And just to know how powerful social media is — you can just be clicking through and see something that just like tugs at your heart and change your life. And change someone else’s life.”
I’m going to have that answer on the ready next time I get in trouble for tweeting at an inappropriate time. I’m just trying to change lives, boss. K?
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
The State of the Union was last night and over 33 million people tuned in to hear our president speak. As with anything Trump-related, the big question of the night was, “Will he do something totally fucking crazy?” and the answer, fortunately, was no. I mean, as long as you’re not counting the fact that a thrice-divorced reality TV star who has sex with porn stars and eats McDonalds in bed is the president, it was all p. normal.
The event started at 9pm and lasted over and hour and twenty minutes (RIP to all those who died while playing our SOTU drinking game – your contributions to the War On Sobriety will not be forgotten) so for those of you who turned it off at the 40 minute mark, here’s everything you need to know to pretend you’re an engaged citizen
The Hype Portion
The craziest part of the night came two seconds in, when some rando announced the President of the United States, and Donald Trump came out.
RANDO: Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!
ME: I am not drunk enough for this.
Lol Paul Ryan had one line tonight and he blew it. You know what they say – being the most unpopular politician in America is a 24/7 job.
Trump starts out the speech employing a tactic that I often use at work meetings: shouting out people who are good at their job to deflect how bad you are at your own. He shouted out Coast Guard officers that helped with hurricane relief, firefighters, and Congressman Steve Scalise – aka the Congressman who was shot by a rogue crazy during a bipartisan Congressional baseball game. Hard not to get applause on any of these.
TRUMP: A new tide of optimism is sweeping across our land…
ME:
We got a “Make America Great Again” within the first 5 minutes, meaning that was when I took my first shot. Casual reminder the speech was an hour and twenty minutes long.
TRUMP: …Melania is here
MELANIA (in Slovenian): Keep my name outcha mouth.
TBH every time they cut to Melania she appears to hate him more. Like this is the exact face I make when my boyfriend says some dumb shit in public that I can’t wait to roast him for when we get home:
ME every time the first lady is on screen: Girl, blink twice if you need help. Blink three times if you need edibles. I gotchu on both.
Okay can Paul Ryan maybe lean over and tell the president to stop clapping so loudly into the mic? Also to stop clapping *for himself*? You’re a reality star dude, you should actually know this stuff.
The look on the Congressional Black Cacus’ faces when Trump shouted out the African American unemployment rate is literally a renewable energy source. Like, it could fuel the Earth for the next 100 years.
TRUMP: African American unemployment…amiright?
CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CACUS:
Trump shouts out the tax cuts and the Republicans in the house start going crazy like they’re frat bros who just won a low-stakes game of beer pong.
TRUMP: Tax Cuts
REPUBLICANS:
Omg Preston
The best part of the night, obviously, was the introduction of Preston, a 12-year-old boy who everyone low-key thought was Barron until we saw him close up.
ME: Wait, but where *is* Barron tho?
TRUMP: Here tonight is Preston Sharp, a 12-year-old boy from Redding California who noticed that veterans’ graves were not marked with flags on Veterans Day. He decided to change that and started a movement that has now placed 40,000 flags at the graves of our great heroes. Preston” a job well done.
ME: …so like can Preston be president then?
The Real Shit
Ah, we’re at the part of the night where he’s going to talk about his policy proposals. *takes three shots in anticipation*
TRUMP: We have ended the war on beautiful clean coal!
AMERICA:
TRUMP: Let’s make prescription drugs cheaper for all!
TRUMP 10 minutes later: Let’s make it harder for people to get addicted to prescription drugs!!!!!
Every time they cut to Ted Cruz clapping I think about how Trump straight up called his wife ugly and accused his dad of killing JFK, but like now they’re cool because tax cuts.
I wish I loved anything the way Republicans love tax cuts, TBH. I’d have a much richer (literally) life.
Did anybody else notice that every time Trump got applause he turned to Paul Ryan, who would whisper “good job” or some shit? It’s like he’s a child at a recital whose surprised everyone by not peeing himself yet.
“Trade relationships should be RECIPROCAL!” – Donald Trump, a man who has 100% never reciprocated oral in his life.
TRUMP: Tonight I am calling on Congress to produce a bill that generates at least $1.5 trillion for new infrastructure investment we need.
EVERYONE: Wait hmm that actually sounds like a good idea.
ME: omg omg does this mean he’s going to fix the Subway???
What the actual proposal is: The Trump Administration wants to put $1.5 trillion into infrastructure (aka streets and transportation and shit), and would include Congress redirecting $200 billion of federal funds to Amtrak and transit programs over the next 10 years, while also looking for hundreds of millions more from cities, states, and the private sector.
The pros: America actually really needs this – half of our mass transit systems have gotten a ‘D’ or more and that also includes schools, roads, and drinking water systems. A ‘D’ might be okay for passing your freshman math requirement – it’s not so great when we’re talking about drinking water.
The cons: It’s hard to see how we can actually pay for this with the tax cut and Trump’s whole obsession with building a wall. Also, public-private sector partnerships like the one being proposed here tend to work better in urban areas.
Immigration
Aaaaaand it’s crazy time. Shout out to all my bad hombres out there – it’s time to chug your drinks.
Trump spend the first half of his immigration talk shouting out families in the audience who were the victims of violent crimes by immigrants. He’s like a racist DJ Khaled.
*Family of fallen teenager senselessly lost to gang violence stands for applause*
TRUMP:
Casual reminder that there is literally no political party who says it’s cool for MS-13 gang members to come into the country. Sadly feel like it’s necessary to point that out right now. Also, if you’re mad about gang violence, wait til you hear about gun violence – it’s like gang violence’s older, meaner cousin.
TRUMP: and here we have Special Agent Celestino Martinez. He goes by DJ. Or CJ. He said I can call him both. I’m going to call him CJ.
ME: Who the f goes by both CJ and DJ?
TRUMP: The first pillar of our framework offers a path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegal immigrants who were brought here by their parents at a young age…
DEMOCRATS: Omg yay!
TRUMP: …AND IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS DREAMERS, OUR SECOND PILLAR REQUIRES THE BLOOD OF EVERY FIRST BORN MEXICAN BABY
DEMS: Wait, what?
TRUMP: THIS IS GENEROUS!!!!!
What the actual proposal is: The White House proposal backs a 12-year path to citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers, in exchange for yuuuuuge changes to the legal immigration system, and $25 billion for the border wall.
The pros: I mean, citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers is pretty legit.
The cons: First of all, pretty sure Mexico was supposed to pay for the wall. Second of all, the changes proposed would restrict legal immigration to the lowest levels since the 1920s. It prevents people from sponsoring parents, adult children, or siblings for U.S. citizenship and ends the diversity visa lottery in favor of a merit-based replacement. In Trump terms, this basically means less people from so-called ‘shithole’ countries, and more white people “skilled workers”.
TRUMP: We want to put an end to chain migration
DEMOCRATS: Boo!
ME: WOOOOORRRRRLLLLLDDDSTAR
Seriously, you could see in that moment when Trump got booed that he was like, about to lose it. Is it weird that I’m low-key proud of him for not immediately going rogue, cursing out Chuck Shumer and throwing burger patties into the crowd? Baby steps…
Mood At this Point:
North Korea
Told; North Korea is bad. No new info here. The President didn’t call Kim Jong Un fat or anything which is good.
TRUMP: I’d like to introduce you to Ji Seong-Ho, who bravely escaped North Korea, on crutches, with one leg. He now has a new leg, though I hear he still keeps his old —
ME (drunk): LEG!?? OMG DOES HE KEEP THE LEG?!?
TRUMP: Crutches
ME: Oh that…makes a lot more sense
The Big Finale
TRUMP: Atop the dome of the capital stands the Statue of Freedom. She stands tall and dignified among the monuments…monuments to Washington and Jefferson…and freedom stands tall over one more monument: This Capitol. This living monument…
ME: Say monument again.
Trump: Thank you and God Bless America
Me: Omg. We did it. We survived.
Only three more of these to go. Unless – IDK – the president is removed from office for some crazy reason.
Accurate Depiction Of Me For The Rest Of The Trump Presidency:
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Today is full of good news and it’s honestly a little unsettling to be receiving push notifications that don’t fill us with overwhelming dread. Omarosa Manigault has announced that she will be getting TF out of the White House, and will be doing so on the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration no less. Pretty appropriate way to celebrate the worst day in history if you ask me.
For those of you who don’t know, Omarosa is a former Apprentice star and the highest profile African-American aide to get a spot in Trump’s White House. She served as director of communications for the Office of Public Liaison, whatever the fuck that means. You probably remember her from being extra AF when she had her 39-person bridal party to the White House for a photoshoot.
The White House commented, “Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned yesterday to pursue other opportunities. We wish her the best in future endeavors and are grateful for her service.” I assume by other opportunities they mean not slowly dying inside by working for the literal devil.
Omarosa’s bailing follows a slew of other resignations, including former chief of staff Reince Priebus, former chief strategist Steve Bannon, and former press secretary Sean Spicer. Dare I say I see a trend starting? So fetch.
It looks like no one wants to sit with Donald Trump, and we are here for it. I mean, they’re probably definitely all getting lowkey fired, but if this is the narrative the White House wants to go with, we’ll roll with it.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Yet another woman came forward this week with additional claims against Alabama Senate candidate, and creepy child predator, Roy Moore, accusing him of sexual assault, which like, ok sure what else is new? At this point, news of Moore assaulting another underage girl is as groundbreaking as news that the sky is blue, or Ryan Gosling is hot, or Kylie Jenner is pregnant. We already know. However, this story took a turn when it was revealed that Moore’s latest accuser was full of shit and the worst undercover “exposé journalist” ever. Let’s investigate:
A woman named Jaime Phillips (red flag #1: anyone who spells Jaime that way is def a narc) approached the Washington Post with a story claiming that Moore raped her during an inappropriate relationship when she was 15 years old, resulting in her pregnancy. Allegedly, Moore convinced her to keep quiet and drove her to get an abortion out of state. So far, so believable, which of course means this is the point where Jaime Lannister Phillips manages to royally fuck it all up.
Jaime contacted two Washington Post reporters who initially broke the first allegations against Moore earlier this month, off the record, with these damaging accusations. With both reporters, she repeatedly asked if her story would be enough to ensure Moore lost the Senate race. When the first reporter replied that it’s hard to definitively say and that she would also need to run a standard fact check of Phillips’ claims, Jaime up and left and contacted the second reporter instead. Running away and starting over when somebody just wants to make sure the things coming out of your mouth are true is the most suspicious fucking thing I’ve ever heard. But don’t worry, you’re doing amazing, sweetie. Keep up the bs – what could go wrong?
The first reporter acted like any person with a brain would, and figured Phillips seemed shady af, so she did a little digging. Red flag #2 (still counting her name) was her cell number, which had an Alabama area code, even though Jaime said she had only temporarily lived in Alabama for that short summer when Moore knocked her up. Red flag #3 was a GoFundMe page set up under the name Jaime Phillips, seeking donations for her relocation to New York as she pursued a new career working to “combat the lies and deceit of the liberal mainstream media.” Any amateur social media stalker knows that all you need is your Bumble date’s first name and eye color, and before you know it, you’ve found his post-tax income, dog’s weight, 2nd grade teacher’s dress size, and family history of balding before age 30. Did Phillips never even change her Facebook name to something punny so college admissions officers wouldn’t find her red solo cup pics? I have so much to teach her. Also, no one told me you could just set up a GoFundMe for literally anything?? Please visit my page and donate to my fund to support my efforts to combat the lies and deceit of my exes. Thank you for your generosity.
The cherry on top of the terrible liar sundae was when WaPo reporters literally saw Phillips walking into the offices of a controversial group called Project Veritas, known for their attempted undercover sting operations that target liberal groups and media outlets. The Washington Post was not about to let themselves get played, and exposed all information gathered through the interviews with Phillips, and the presumed intention of a sting to embarrass the paper by getting them to report a story without doing sufficient research. Project Veritas and Phillips were going on previous accusations that WaPo was offering money to accusers to share their stories and push the “liberal agenda” to take Moore down based on political bias alone – not because he’s a completely unqualified child molester, which is also, ya know, a valid reason for him not to be elected but that’s none of my business.
It was also discovered that Project Veritas, run by self-important fuckboy James O’Keefe, received a healthy donation of $10,000 back in 2015 to help fund videos and investigations targeting Hillary Clinton’s campaign and painting her supporters and Trump protesters as violent and corrupt. Now who could have so generously reached with his tiny hands into his ill-fitting pants pockets to dish out that kind of donation to an organization specifically intended to defame liberal organizations? Oh right, of course.
It comes as no surprise to anyone that an organization supported directly by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be the same one trying (and failing) to trick a liberal news source into reporting false information, after convincing the provider of said information to LIE about being RAPED in order to discredit other VICTIMS and clear the path to office for a CHILD MOLESTER. Does anything matter anymore? Can we trust anyone to be honest and not a miserable, corrupt, shitbag? I need a drink. And to turn of the news for the next 3 years. If you need me, I’ll be passed out somewhere with an empty wine bottle in one hand and a family portrait of Michelle and Barack with my head pasted in between them in the other.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
In case you’ve been too busy not giving a shit about taxes—because honestly, who even understands how they work besides depriving me of my own money—allow us to explain the bombshell of shady dealings that recently leaked called the Bachelor in Paradise Papers. And as Chris Harrison will tell you, these papers are about to be some of the most dramatic leaks in paradise history.
WTF Is A Paradise Paper?
A bunch of journalists just went full Betty Cooper and uncovered a massive amount of document leaks that detail trillions of dollars earned by American companies, celebrity investors, and high-ranking political officials that have been hidden and funneled through offshore havens on remote islands. Basically, they’re hiding money at the local tropical bank next to your fav all-inclusive resort. Trillions is a shit ton of money so, yeah, this can be filed under Big Fucking Deal.
The Paradise Papers get their name because Appleby, my favorite place to drunk eat mozzarella sticks the major law firm assisting in the moving around of funds, is based in Bermuda and uses other paradise-y islands such as the Caymans and the Virgin Islands as places to shift their clients’ earnings so they don’t have to pay income taxes. Appleby helps its clients reduce their tax requirements and hide ownership of things like private jets, yachts, and expensive mansions. Meanwhile, I can’t even successfully hide credit card purchases from my dad, so maybe I should call them.
Who Is Implicated?
Just about every person and company famous for being super fucking rich. From the trademark rights to the Nike swoosh, to Madonna’s share in a medical company and Keira Knightley’s investments in some super random real estate firm, thousands of names were released in association with the use of tax haven islands. The Queen of England’s private estate even invested millions in a Cayman Islands fund previously unknown to the public, so basically she’s reached Olenna Tyrell levels of sneaky bitch. Yas Queen.
U2 lead singer and man who has no idea how to count to four in Spanish, Bono, is the partial owner of a shopping mall in Utena, Lithuania (where?), thanks to his investments in a company based in Malta—which, you guessed it, is also one of those tax haven islands. First of all, did no one question what Bono was doing with a Lithuanian mall or why Keira Knightley is trying to join the Property Brothers? Even I know that sounds shady and I get all of my investigative skills from Olivia Benson.
Apple also got their iHands dirty with a healthy dose of tax avoidance by shifting their profits to Irish subsidiary companies. When questioned about the company’s dealings, Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, insisted that they didn’t just “stash money on a Caribbean Island.” That may be technically true, but they did stash it on an island in the English Channel called Jersey. Savage use of wordplay, Timmy. Cook is definitely the kind of fuckboy who tries to defend his late night Snaps because you said he couldn’t text his exes, but never said anything about Snapchat.
Side note: Anywhere named Jersey should automatically be flagged as a danger zone of probable suspicious activity. Both have shores where stuff is spread around, but on one of them it’s money, and on the other it’s unidentified fluids and STDs.
Now you didn’t think a scandal would just breeze by without any mention of Trump and Russia, did you? Of fucking course not. A whole bunch of Trump’s friends and colleagues have holdings in offshore accounts, including Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and key Trump donors, the Mercers and Sheldon Adelson. One member of the Big Cheeto’s merry band of weasels joining the Paradise pregame is Wilbur Ross, Trump’s Secretary of Treasury. Ross invested in a shipping company whose top clients include a Russian firm controlled by someone literally being sanctioned right now, and Putin’s own son-in-law. If we have learned anything from this garbage fire of an administration, it’s to never trust a son-in-law.
Speaking of that creepy doll Adam brought to Bachelor in Paradise Jared Kushner, he’s not walking away scot-free either. A Russian billionaire named Yuri Milner invested an absurd amount of money in Facebook and Twitter, but that investment money came to him from Kremlin backers providing hundreds of millions from government-controlled banks and financial institutions typically used for “potentially strategic deals.” One of Milner’s current investments also includes a real estate venture founded and partly owned by, you guessed it, Daddy-in-Law’s Boy Jared.
Why Should You Care?
Ok, so even though all of that shit sounds shadier than “we’re just friends”, it isn’t necessarily illegal. However, as more Nancy Drew-ing goes down, it’s likely that a dece amount of illegal activity will emerge. As far as uber-rich celebrities go, tax evasion is just kinda fucked up. Like, can you just register your private jet in the country where you actually use it plz?
As for the ties to Russia, that doesn’t bode very well for the whole “no connections between Trump and Putin” lie this administration has been peddling harder than me at SoulCycle the day after Thanksgiving.
With the release of the papers, officials are feeling the pressure to tighten up the very loose loopholes that allow these strategic tax avoidance hacks to happen, and they are considering making it harder to make use of rando offshore companies to hide their money. All I know is, Paradise is a breeding ground for scandal, and I’ll be sitting over here eating my bowl of cheese pasta and waiting for it all to implode.
It’s no secret that if we were still saying things are our spirit animal (we’re not), Chrissy Teigen would be our spirit animal. It’s also no secret that our current POTUS is a bloated, tang-flavored swamp monster who thinks no one needs health care and transgender Americans aren’t people, but whatever. Needless to say, the two probably wouldn’t hang out. Chrissy has been cyber-bullying the Bully-In-Chief since he was hosting The Apprentice. I mean, sure, my mom taught me not to make fun of people on the internet because my future employer could see it, but, like, I don’t think Chrissy Teigen is losing her coconut water sponsorship or whatever because she’s saying what the rest of us are thinking when it comes to Trump. In fact, I think coming for Trump in his own house (Twitter) has only made Chrissy more popular. Twitter literally loses its shit every time she replies, and considering the President of The United States is so obsessed with tweeting (a sentence I never thought I’d type), he’s definitely reading her replies. I mean, we know that he is because as of Monday night, after 9 years of near-constant trolling, President Trump blocked Chrissy Teigen on Twitter.
Chrissy announced this joyous event in the only way she could – with a tweet, duh:
After 9 years of hating Donald J Trump, telling him “lol no one likes you” was the straw pic.twitter.com/MhZ6bXT1Dp
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 25, 2017
Teigen has basically been telling Trump that he’s a virgin who can’t drive since day one. Some of her more fun and quotable mentions include calling him a “lying, sniveling, whining sorry excuse for a human being,” but what was it, exactly, that made Trump block her? Was it all the times she’s reminded him that he’s #old and acts like every horrible, white, racist grandpa in the game.
You are 71 fucking years old. Grow. The fuck. Up.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 28, 2017
Or was it the time that she told him she’d rather be in a Sim world than live with his presidency:
@realDonaldTrump you are so insane that I pray every day I am a sim being played by aliens
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 31, 2017
Maybe it was the time she called him the opposite of Beyoncé, which is basically the harshest insult in the book. Everyone wants to be Beyoncé, including Donald Trump. Probably.
that is what happens when your staff hates you. Beyoncé’s staff are more leakproof than yours.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 14, 2017
Nope, the straw that actually broke the sexist camel’s back was just her telling him that no one likes him (again). Which, I guess, is pretty cold but actually not the worst thing she’s every said. I guess the guy just can’t stand the thought of not being the most popular. Is this why we need a fake commission to study voter fraud that isn’t happening? MMM probably.
So here we are, the end of an era. I mean, not that we think Chrissy will stop roasting Trump anytime soon, but we will miss her direct replies and knowing that Trump is definitely reading them and having his feelings hurt. I guess if we want to hurt Trump’s feelings, we’ll have to find another way. Like, maybe impeachment. Just a thought.
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The Betches Sup!
James Comey, the 90 foot tall (look it up) former FBI director and breakout star of the 2016 election, will be providing testimony to the Senate Intelligence Committee regarding his knowledge of the Trump/Russia connection. We’ve dubbed this the Trump Shit Talking Festival, and it may or may not be the hottest festival of the summer. Featuring performances by Vice Chair Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), Chairman Sen. Richard Burr, headliner/former FBI Director James Comey, and a potential surprise drop-in from the president himself via Twitter.
It’s gonna be lit. But how lit should we truly expect it to be? Well, based off Comey’s written statement, we might be looking at Rihanna-at-the-Grammys-holding-a-flask levels. So what do you need to know? What do you need to look for? Don’t worry girl. We gotchu.
THE BACKGROUND:
In a statement released yesterday, Comey dished on three separate incidents in which President Trump asked Comey to declare his loyalty to Trump, to stop the investigation into former national security adviser Mike Flynn, and generally just acted like a creepy weirdo. We know this because James Comey kept allllll the receipts via detailed memos, which he wrote immediately after each and every meeting with the president. (NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever become James Comey’s ex. He WILL screenshot everything.) Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, you should just read the whole statement yourself because it’s crazy and only like 7 pages long so basically the same length as your average 2017 political Facebook status.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR:
1. Shade, Shade, And Shade
Despite the fact that he tries to maintain an air of chill, there is no way Comey isn’t totally pissed that Trump fired him. Expect some passive-aggressive digs, some general side-eyeing of Trump’s capabilities as president, and maybe even a “well idk why I was fired but it’s fine I’m great now. Better actually and I love my new boss.”
2. GOP Fuckery
Only 34% of Americans approver of Trump’s “performance” as president (Sidebar: can we really call any of this ‘performance?’ Like, can I say that I took a college-level math class even though I never actually showed up for said class? These are questions I have…), and all 34% of them are Republicans in the Senate (don’t check the numbers on that—I failed college math). Despite the overwhelming, insanely damning evidence against the president, expect the GOP to act like a girlfriend in denial about her boyfriend’s constant cheating and make every excuse. It’s honestly sad, and when they do inevitably realize that Trump is a fuckboy and they’re better off without him, we’ll all be ready with shots and impeachment papers.
3. Some Good News For Trump
While we’re all hoping for The Roast Of President Trump, you can’t forget that this is James Comey we’re dealing with, and James Comey is a tricky bitch. (SEE: 2016 ELECTION) It has been widely reported that Comey will do everything BUT accuse Trump of obstructing justice (low-key the charge that Nixon was avoiding) and that he will corroborate President Trump’s claims that he was not personally under investigation. We’ll probably find out that Trump got these details tattooed on his lower back by Friday.
4. Trump Tweet Storm
The president apparently reserves the right to live-tweet any and everything as he sees fit (honestly, same) so it is hard to imagine we won’t be hearing from the president during the three-hour hearing. I mean, it’s not like he could have anything better to do as president than sit in front of his computer from 10am-1pm. Honestly, I want to roast the president here but it is hard because I have been known to leave my desk for a few hours to shoot off some tweets myself. I mean, I’m not the president, but still.
5. “Lordy”
If Comey’s previous testimonies have taught us anything, it’s that homeboy loves to say the word “lordy.” It’s like like how women in their 20s use “AF.” It can basically be added to any sentence for emphasis. For example, “Lordy my previous misconduct has plunged the U.S. into a mess!” I’d say take a drink for every “lordy” we hear today, but that would probably end in an immediate blackout.
On second thought, that’s exactly what you should do.
6. Me, Staring Into The Sky, Wondering How I’m Supposed To Feel About James Comey
Is James Comey a friend or foe? I truly don’t know. On the one had, this is low-key his fault for writing his dumb letter about Hillary Clinton so close to the election. On the other hand, he’s our best chance at getting President Tweet out of office. Could it be that James Comey is both the problem and the solution? Am I high? I’m high.
