Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes: 11/3 – 11/5

Well betches, we made it to another freaking weekend. I know you’re ready to get on with it, so we’ll keep this short and sweet. For all signs, things are looking better and definitely more fun by Sunday; you just have to make it out from under Friday’s full moon alive.

Aries

Quit plotting your moves
All good things happen in time
Better live for now

Now Hell's Kitchen

Taurus

Emotions run wild
under the light of the moon
Set good boundaries

Gemini

All work, no play sucks
Pour yourself a big ass glass
Wine or gin will do

Whatever SNL

Cancer

Connections grow strong
True betches stay by your side
Romance is in store

Leo

Get your shit finished
Enter the weekend stress free
Make some weird choices

Friends Turkey

Virgo

Life’s ripe on the vine
no, wait, maybe that just wine
Do not drunk Snapchat

Libra

Focus on your game
The finish line is in sight
Booze is a reward

Donna Parks and Rec

Scorpio

The sun is leaving
You have through the weekend
Your sign can still shine

Sagittarius

Keep your plans on lock
No one needs to know what’s up
Mystery is hot

Kris Jenner FBI

Capricorn

Get your party on
Life will stay busy for you
Do something you love

Aquarius

Remember your keys
Full Moons can make you forget
Spend time with your tribe

SATC

Pisces

Seek some good advice
Use caution, be positive
Do not text him first

Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For October 13-15th

Welcome to the Betch Poets Society. Kidding. But for this weekend’s horoscopes we’re going to switch it up a little—class it up if you will—with some haikus. *snaps* Why haikus? IDK, but go with it. It’s #cultured. For those who didn’t make haikus in grade school, haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with poems consisting of three lines. The first and last lines have five syllables and the middle one has seven. So much can be said in three lines. Try it. Text your girls, “Read your horoscope / To find out if you should rage / Or stay home and sleep.” Done. That wasn’t hard. Why did I go to college again?

Aries

Sometimes I look at 
Aries and think why. Just why
Do you do these things.

Office

Taurus

The life of a bull
Can be tedious at times.
Start shaking shit up.

Gemini

Time to make the leap
It’s do or die, Gemini.
Don’t be a pussy.

Beyonce

Cancer

Loving a Cancer
Is like trying to hug air:
You look fucking dumb.

Leo

You know what sucks, dude?
Your general attitude.
Lighten up, my guy.

Kanye

Virgo

Things to remember:
No one cares about your job.
Find a new topic.

Libra

You’re a free spirit.
We get it. You just love drugs.
Do them quietly.

Chelsea Handler Acid

Scorpio

Do you ever feel
Like a monumental dick?
Maybe you should start.

Sagittarius

We are on a rock
Flying towards absolute doom.
Eat the fucking cake.

Tina Fey Cake

Capricorn

It’s time to let loose.
Get that stick out of your ass.
Let that freak flag fly.

Aquarius 

Let’s try something new,
Try being calm for one day.
For the love of God.

Pisces

Wow, you are a mess.
Even strangers are concerned.
Love yourself, Pisces.