Apparently, quarantine has gotten so bleak that Amazon is out of podcast mics. Everyone from your sh*tty ex who lives in Bushwick to D-list reality stars to actual celebrities are jumping on the podcast bandwagon, for better or for worse. And now, we can add one more into the mix. The latest celebrity to get in on the podcast game is none other than Dina Lohan, and honestly, while I didn’t see that one coming, I’m kind of impressed. I still can’t even get my parents to understand what a podcast is—and yes, I have tried the analogy that it’s basically just a radio show, and it does not click.
Anyway, Dina Lohan’s podcast will be called Listen To Me, OG Mama D (oof, that name) and according to Page Six, will “touch on pop culture, domestic violence, mental health” and also “set the record straight about tabloid celebrity gossip.” I’m assuming and hoping that will mean Dina will explain the clusterf*ck that was her housing her ex-husband’s wife, because that sounded like the craziest episode of Sister Wives ever. It’s not immediately clear if Dina will talk about Lindsay, but she will talk about “managing children in Hollywood”, so even if she doesn’t spill all the tea, it’s probably going to come up. I would love an entire episode rehashing the story behind Lindsay’s iconic photo with Paris and Britney, but that might just be a pipe dream. Honestly, celebrity gossip just isn’t what it used to be.
Co-hosting the podcast is former Princesses: Long Island cast member and comedian Chanel Omari, who might seem like a random choice, but Dina told Betches, “I chose Chanel because I’ve known Chanel forever.” She added, “She was Lindsay’s assistant and then mine. I had the pleasure of being on her podcast (Chanel in the City) which she did a wonderful job with, and I thought she would be a best fit.”
Chanel told us that Listen To Me, OG Mama D will also talk about “single parenting, dating, cyber bullying,” and of course, “how the pandemic has brought people together through virtual dating and how COVID-19 has affected their lives.” She explained, “We wanted to be a safe space for people to come and chat with Dina and myself on challenging things happening to us in life and how to cope with it.”
Almost 10 years ago, I was watching some of the trashiest television imaginable when my mom walked by and said to me, “Did this teenager just compare herself going to jail with Buddha sitting under the tree? Why do you watch this trash?” Cut to ten years later, and I’m listening to a podcast in the car with my mom that I was featured on, and she says to me, “Are you sure that this woman is 27? She’s awfully mature and self-aware to be that age.” That woman my mom and I are referring to is Alexis Neiers (now Haines) from Pretty Wild. Pretty Wild was only ten episodes long and aired about a decade ago, but to this day, it’s a national phenomenon. From the dinners with Mickey Avalon to, of course, the famously infamous Nancy Jo voicemail (which was largely staged), this show was the ultimate reality show in that it was entirely unrelatable, over-the-top ridiculous, and a total sh*tshow.
The real story, however, happened when the cameras stopped rolling. We all know that Alexis was implicated in the infamous Bling Ring (in that she called the police and literally sat in a car while her friends robbed a house, but more on that later), but even after serving her time in prison, Alexis’ story continued to unfold. After Alexis left rehab, she experienced a metamorphosis from being a Hollywood It Girl who was afflicted with her demons to a self-possessed, yet self-deprecating worldly young woman who is a loving wife, a mother of two of the cutest daughters I’ve ever seen, a drug counselor, and a doula. Although, she now hosts a podcast—so obviously she’s not entirely different from every other twentysomething.
Between the candor and wit that is laced with the valley girl inflection to having the biggest healing crystal at her front door that would put Spencer Pratt to shame, there are still gleams of Alexis circa 2010. After spending time with her on her podcast, Recovering from Reality, and interviewing her, I learned that Alexis hadn’t really changed in the sense that she’s an entirely new person, but rather, she seems like she is now her most authentic self. Alexis and her podcast, Recovering from Reality, endeavor to spark conversations about things that we don’t talk about enough, and to discuss these topics with compassion, open hearts, and without judgment. It’s not just Alexis that has so much to teach us from her experiences, it’s also about how we also have so much to teach each other. She and her husband also founded a treatment center, Alo House Recovery, to treat people with addiction. With that being said, I’m going to follow Alexis’ movement to enlighten and inspire others as we get to know the real Alexis Neiers.
On How ‘Pretty Wild’ Started
So Tess and I were working in the entertainment industry as models and music video girls and doing a bunch of indie films anh*t like that. We had this whole persona in L.A, and we made up the story that we were twins. We aren’t biological sisters. But, you know, she is a sister… we’ve grown up together and she lived with us on and off throughout my whole life. She’s a sister to me, I view her as blood. I love her to death. The whole story came about that we were twins because it was just more interesting. We basically built up this whole persona that people became really interested in. We were working on this movie, and one of the producers who was also acting in it, Dan, discovered us and asked us, ‘Do you want to do a sizzle reel for a reality show?’ And we were like, ‘Sure!’ We brought it to our mom, and she thought it was a great idea—so we did it.
Actually, having a reality show is a one in a million shot, and you’re not just going to get a reality show. It was a whole thing. We didn’t think it would go anywhere, but it actually ended up going really fast and it ended up in Chelsea Handler’s hands and E!. E! ended up in a bidding war for it back and forth.
We didn’t anticipate that the Bling Ring would be a storyline… The whole idea around the show was that my mom was homeschooling these girls who were trying to make it in the entertainment industry. I think just saw us as funny, and they build storylines around your life—hanging out with rockstars, doing crazy sh*t. I think they just found us entertaining.
On Whether It Was Scripted
It was definitely staged. The only thing that I would call somewhat scripted was when we were doing interviews. They would say things to us and we would repeat it back to them. Our dinner with Mickey Avalon was all set up, but we continued to party with him after that. Obviously, we knew who Mickey Avalon was before that. Ryan Cabrera was staged, and he was on whatever reality show you wanted him to be on. Tess ended up dating him after their staged interactions. Max was not staged. She was actually dating his friend Beau, and I was dating his friend Tyler, and Beau introduced her to Max. Javier was a door guy at a bar in Mexico. He definitely was not as rich . Honestly, I was so drunk that night that I don’t even recall , but all I knew was that I saw this hot guy, and set up our next date. And then the reason that I was crying was that I was having so much fun without all the L.A. drama, and I was f*cking pissed that Tess confirmed to TMZ that I was in Mexico when I wasn’t supposed to be in Mexico. That pissed me the f*ck off. It wasn’t like I was crying over Javier, I wasn’t in love with Javier. They flew him out to L.A. and set that whole thing up too. They told him about the Bling Ring , Paul Oakenfold was totally staged, and that really hurt. Not that anyone should have any sympathy for me back then other than the fact that I was a traumatized child, but the fact that the producers did that was so f*cking sh*tty and low—I mean, on my sister’s 16th birthday? Really? F*ck off. That was horrible. I haven’t actually seen every episode of Pretty Wild, I’ve seen several episodes. But, the cops knocking at the door, too—that wasn’t real. The house that we lived in, we didn’t really live there. There was lights everywhere—it was a staged house. It was a lot of embellishment.
On Her Attorney And Legal Drama
My attorney was not a very good attorney—I actually found out later that he had a lot of issues with substance abuse and stuff like that. He really dropped the ball in my case. Like, they fabricated a bunch of documents, and he somehow missed that… I don’t know what would’ve happened. And at the end of the day, jail was the best thing that could’ve happened to me and I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret taking the plea deal, I don’t regret the way it played out. I feel horrendous for all of the victims. Not to say I was a Mother Theresa, because I definitely wasn’t. When I was in the throes of my drug addiction, I was panhandling, checking cars to find loose change, whatever I could do. I was not a good person. But I wasn’t some kind of Bling Ring mastermind that robbed Paris Hilton. That wasn’t me. I can’t take credit for that and I won’t. Now as a wife and a mother and an adult, I feel even worse . It’s sad, it’s a horrible situation.
On Nancy Jo Sales
The attorney picked Nancy Jo and she promised that she was going to write a fair and honest article, and that she wasn’t going to interview anyone else from the Bling Ring, she was only going to talk with me. She obviously lied. Not only that, but then—and this is what really pissed me off—later on, I really was wearing the little brown Bebe kitten heels and E! News did a whole thing about the shoes at court thing. She went on Twitter to defend herself and to publicly sh*t talk me when I was a year sober and trying to better my life. It was like, “Don’t you have anything better to do with your life?” …You see me, I’m a new mom or newly sober, I’m doing better with my life, and here you are, just continuing with this whole nonsense. She made fun of my tattoos on Twitter, and she said, “She’s so conceited, she would get a picture of herself on her arm.” I responded, “That’s not a picture of myself, that’s a picture I brought to that tattoo artist of my mom and we collaborated on an idea together.” She blocked me for my response.
Sidenote: why are you f*cking with someone who is newly sober and trying to make a better life for herself? Are you really that miserable? It was disgusting. She deleted all of what she said to me on Twitter, otherwise I would’ve screenshotted all of that. If someone happened to get screenshots, please pull it up! She blocks everyone who disagrees with her because she’s a coward, and it’s like, if that’s your position, own it!
everyone:
me: nancy jo sales was very mean to teenage opiate addicts and masqueraded her cruelty as incisive reporting on entitled millennial girls
— ?????? ?????? (@333333333433333) March 18, 2019
On Her Role In The Bling Ring
My role was “the idiot girl who followed Nick.” It wasn’t a whole group thing, for me. I knew Nick, for like, four months, that’s it. We don’t keep in touch. I feel really bad for him. He seems to have a lot of continuous legal struggles, and that’s horrible. I was introduced to Nick and you know, we used drugs together and partied a lot.
I really wish I had a juicy story and that I was the mastermind behind the whole thing and blah, blah, blah. But really, we were out partying one night, and I was driven to a house in a blackout, and that’s really what I remember. And then I called the cops multiple times . I have phone records of it. It wasn’t brought to light because everybody loves a villain. There was never any video footage . There was four people who walked backwards into the area. That wasn’t me, but Nick said that was me. The members of the Bling Ring were very strategic, but got sloppy at the end and the cameras could see their faces. They just walked up to Audrina Patridge’s and Lindsay Lohan’s houses, and that’s when I started calling the police. I was like, “That’s their faces!” So I knew what happened those nights, but no I wasn’t there. Nick claimed I was, but there was no evidence.
On Why She Was Perceived As The Leader
I think it was because of the show. I feel like if they wrote about Nick Prugo, the kid from Calabasas who robbed all these celebrities, a one-and-done story. But the girl who had a reality show was way more interesting and way more exciting. So they wanted to make an example out of me.
On Not Returning To The Spotlight
I had a number of opportunities, but I realized the severity. If I f*cked up again, I was going to go to prison for six years. So when I got sober, I realized not only the severity of getting into trouble again—which I knew that I would if I went back into reality TV right away—was that I really wanted to help people. That’s why I’m doing this podcast now, and I knew that if I did this at two years sober, then no one would take me seriously. But I’m sitting here 8 years sober today—today is actually my 8 year anniversary of sobriety—so now I’m in a place where I can speak as an authority figure and I really want to start a movement that sobriety is f*cking awesome, and that it can change your world and you can have a big and beautiful and joyous life without the use of drugs and alcohol.
Now I feel like I’m moving to a place where it’s that time. There’s a double-edged sword to that, though, like I’m not as relevant now as I was back then. So I walked away from it all and got really quiet, and that’s when I did a lot of my growth work and trauma healing, which is so important. Now I have this voice and I’m ready, but I didn’t maintain all so, it’s freakin’ challenging. So now it feels like I’m starting over again, but I’m not given that fresh start. Every single article that mentions me, even the article about the Pretty Wild reunion coming out, always talks about the Bling Ring in the sense that I’m the leader or mastermind from it. I’ll never get that separation.
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On Why She Didn’t Get A Fresh Start
I think people idolize celebrities, and I wasn’t really a celebrity, or even a D-list celebrity. But they idolize the Paris Hilton’s and Louis C.K.’s as Gods, so they’ll bounce right back. The rest of the world doesn’t. Khloé Kardashian got a DUI and could’ve f*cking killed somebody, but you never hear about that anymore. Nobody talks about that anymore. Lindsay Lohan steals necklaces (Writer’s note: and $11,000 fur coat, amongst other crimes)—untouchable. She has her own reality show on MTV now and nobody cares.
On Why ‘Pretty Wild’ Is Still Popular
I don’t know. My husband will tell you that the Bling Ring remains so popular and so big because everybody thinks celebrities are untouchable, so it became a whole thing because the criminals got into the real-life houses of these people. I also think Pretty Wild at the time when reality TV was just on the rise.
my life would genuinely be 10x better if they made more than 1 season of Pretty Wild
— Charlotte D'Alessio (@char_dalessio) March 5, 2019
On What’s Next
So my goal with Recovering from Reality isn’t just to create a brand or podcast, but it is to create a community for people to share their life experiences and trauma and stories. It’s not just about sobriety, it’s about recovering from divorce, sexual abuse, trauma—recovery of any kind. Recovering from Reality is a place that’s inclusive and broad and allows people to be authentic and real. I call it “Reality” because reality back then for me was such a lie, and it’s like, I want to live the most authentic and genuine life that I can, now. And so I’m doing this podcast, and I’m writing a book, and I’m really hoping to become a voice for people that don’t have one. Addicts are all seen as the villains of society. 74,000 people a year are dying from addiction, it’s a public health crisis, and we need to do something about it.
I wish I got asked more about my sobriety. What the process was like and how I did it at such a young age (19). It is not an easy journey. Choosing to remove all comforts in your life to dive into the unknown and surrender in the hope of somehow gaining freedom from your past is a brutal journey. I’ve been beaten down in this process more times than I can count and somehow stayed sober through it all. I hope that by opening the dialogue around our society’s need to escape, will help other people to take a look at their relationship with things that may not be serving their highest good.
Besides the book and podcast, I like to remain open and fluid, so we’ll see what comes my way. I don’t know if I’m going to be the girl who has paparazzi waiting for her again. But I really enjoy my privacy and kids and living in suburbia.
Images: Nicole Nordstrom; char_dalessio, 333333333433333 / Twitter; itsalexishaines / Instagram (2)
If you’ve listened to Dirty John or Dr. Death, then you have an idea of what Wondery’s podcasts offer. They’re grisly, salacious looks into crimes you never knew existed, and honestly my morning commute has never been better. This week, Wondery dropped their newest podcast: Over My Dead Body. It tells the story of Dan and Wendi, “two good-looking attorneys” with “a bad breakup, a worse divorce, and a murder case involving a menagerie of high-priced lawyers and unexpected co-conspirators.” So basically, the details of how a power couple fell apart, plus a murder twist. That’s literally all of my favorite things.
So, what’s the crime being investigated here? If you’re the kind of person who hates having an appropriate amount of context spoilers, then I’d recommend you stop reading here.
Do I google the story @WonderyMedia did for #overmydeadbody podcast or keep guessing who’s responsible? I’ve changed my mind 5 times! #truecrime pic.twitter.com/wS6410j6sX
— Jamie- Uglee Truth Podcast (@theugleetruth) February 14, 2019
Still with me? Good. In 2014, Dan Markel (the husband) was found dead in his Tallahassee home: shot in the head. According to Refinery29, Wendi Adelson’s (the wife’s) family was “immediately suspected of hiring someone to complete the crime.” To be fair, if I had a bad divorce from someone I would want my family to at least OFFER to send a hitman. (JK! My family’s not rich enough to pull that off.) The podcast starts with the story of Dan and Wendy’s relationship (and subsequent divorce), then goes into the details of Dan’s death and the investigation that followed.
Given how the trial in this case concludes, the story becomes less about their relationship, and more about the dynamics of race and privilege involved in the trial. Despite the Adelson family being immediate suspects, and further connections being found between the family and the suspected hitman, no family members were ultimately charged with any crimes. Instead, only people of color were arrested in connection to the crime. Given that the Adelsons are a wealthy, white family, Over My Dead Body explores how the family’s privilege may have played a role in who was ultimately charged for this crime. I mean, yeah, if it’s between wealthy Floridians staging a hit on their ex-son-in-law and a random break-in, I am 100% going with the former. People from Florida are, as a rule, insane. In-laws are also generally insane. It just adds up.
I listened to the first episode this morning, and what struck me most (other than how f*cking addictive it was) was how easy it was to forget that the story led up to a murder. Episode one starts with Dan’s upbringing, then how he met Wendi, and what their wedding was like. They also interview friends who knew them as a couple. It tells you, from Dan’s perspective, about the divorce. And as much as I love hearing the gory details of a murder, I have to say I find autopsies of relationships equally interesting—and this one sounds like a real mess. Also, and this may just be because I’m a messy b*tch, I live for seeing any two people who are described as “the perfect couple” be torn down. Especially when they try really hard to convince people they are, in fact, a perfect couple.
If you binge the first few episodes of ‘Over My Dead Body’ (can’t blame you) and are hungry for more true crime content, here’s a list of other relationships with famously violent ends. Enjoy.
Debra Newell
I mentioned ‘Dirty John’ earlier, but if you’re not lucky enough to have listened yet, then here’s what you’re missing. ‘Dirty John’ is the story of Debra Newell, a wealthy, middle-aged interior designer, and John Meehan, the criminal and con man who seduces her. In classic Wondery fashion, the story starts with the dynamics of the relationship: the intense emotions, the broken trust, what it looked like from the outside. But as tensions build, the focus shifts from how to spot and catch a con man—and more to how you survive him. (If you’re more of a visual learner, there’s now a Bravo series on this too.)
Lorena Bobbitt
Lorena Bobbitt famously became known as the woman who cut off her husband’s penis. While this crime was thrown around as a zany joke for most of the ‘90s, details of the crime—and the relationship leading up to it—are far from funny. I’ll let you discover the rest on your own (preferably by watching Jordan Peele’s new Amazon series about it), but suffice it to say that women don’t typically go around cutting off genitalia without due cause.
Jodi Arias
On May 8, 2013, Jodi Arias was convicted of first-degree murder for the death of ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander. Alexander and Arias met in 2006, and began a long-distance relationship in 2007. Over their 18-month, off-and-on relationship, Arias moved twice to be closer to Alexander. Meanwhile, Alexander’s friends consistently disliked Arias and felt her behavior was “worrying.” Naturally, when these same friends found Alexander covered in stab wounds with a gunshot to the head, they pointed the police in Arias’ direction. Arias pled “not guilty” to initial charges, but claimed she committed the murder was self-defense two years later, and alleged that she was a victim of domestic violence. While the Jodi Arias story doesn’t have a TV show (so sad), there is a Lifetime movie that I am very excited to watch.
Basically, if you like hearing people talk sh*t about other peoples’ relationships along with your regular dose of true crime, any one of these stories will be right up your alley. Do yourself a favor and start Over My Dead Body today, then drop your number in the comments so I can text you all my insane theories as I come up with them. Thanks!
Images: Bravo; Instagram; Twitter; Instagram; Instagram
Okay, so Kristen Doute was the token crazy chick on Vanderpump Rules for the first couple of seasons. Now, she’s developed into a mostly stable, somewhat self aware, moderately functioning human being. Thanks a lot, therapy and having a healthy relationship! You’ve taken Krazy Kristen away from us! And now, Kristen has taken a turn for the worse. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not because she’s pulling stunts like attempting to air out her ex-boyfriend for cheating on his new girlfriend in Miami (we’re all in agreement that Tom did cheat, right?) or having a toxic relationship with James Kennedy. Instead, she’s trying to play martyr and seek revenge on toxic individuals in the interest of her friends. She may think she’s being a good friend, but inserting herself into others’ lives is actually pretty lame. If I have to hear her say “My Brittany”one more time, I’m going to die. So, I decided to find Kristen Doute some fun hobbies, because endlessly trying to get revenge on guys like Jax and James is just making her look sad and desperate.
Philanthropy
It seems like Kristen thinks that sabotaging f*ckboys like Jax Taylor and James Kennedy by giving them the punishment they deserve is, like, a form of philanthropy. While I agree that guys like this are a disservice to society and need to be eradicated almost as much as malaria or small pox, it’s a toxic habit to relentlessly try to destroy them. Also, I don’t think flying in side chicks from Miami or parents from Kentucky to shame these guys, or throwing $16 PUMP-TI-NIs in their faces counts as a tax write-off. So why not be a contributing member to society in a more noble way instead? And no, I’m not talking about sh*t like reading books to children in the hospital. I mean, sure Kristen has changed, but I still wouldn’t trust her around children. I’m talking about throwing parties to donate to whatever cause Kristen gives half a f*ck about. Anyone who watched The O.C. knows that these philanthropy parties were all about drinking and drama, which are two of Kristen’s biggest passions. These charity functions Kristen throws would a) be the perfect opportunity for Stassi to use her fake party planning career and b) provide the perfect backdrop for drama without directly orchestrating tired schemes. And if some money is donated to PETA or Planned Parenthood, all the better, because that CAN count as tax write-off!
P.S. Is The Hills remake giving Mischa Barton a job as charity so they can get a tax write-off? So many questions.
Become A Social Media Personality
This job is a no-brainer. No, seriously, this job requires no brain. I just watched The American Meme (credit to me for watching a documentary instead of Stepbrothers for the 50th time), and becoming a social media icon seriously requires less talent than being a reality television star. Kristen already has a following like every other person who is famous on social media, so she doesn’t need to buy as many followers as every other social media personality does. She can just tweet relatable, obvious things in a slightly quirky way, so thousands of girls and fake followers RT it. Or, better yet, she can post pictures of herself doing boomerangs of her clinking champagne glasses with all her friends at an event and then throw up a pic of her chilling with reject boyfriend from The Bachelor franchise while eating Açai bowls in Tulum (you know those things have more sugar than, like, six candy bars, right?) Worked for Helen Owen!
Blogging!
Oh wait, Kristen has done this already. Looks pretty legit, right?
Okay, I know that Kristen started a blog to make it seem like she had something going on after she got fired from SUR, but this is clearly not a blog. And the Vegiholic Instagram page isn’t any better. The last post is a terribly unfunny meme from May 12th, and even before then, she rarely posted pics–there are only 36 of them!
Look, Kristen, it’s really not that hard to be a vegetarian blogger. You just use the impressive work ethic you apply towards taking down your male castmates, and apply it toward making people feel like subhuman scum because they eat bacon. I remember last week, I asked my little sister if she was still vegan, and she responded that she’s “intuitively plant-based” now. I assure you that if you managed to be as insufferable as you were seasons 2 and 3, you can be as bad as my own flesh and blood when she somehow managed to make her dietary preferences sound more holier than thou than “vegan.” I could literally type onto WordPress what I had for dinner tonight (a bottle of $9 pinot grigio and a frozen pizza) and write a blurb about what made me eat it (because I’m lazy and I know I’m going to cry later when I feel too insecure to wear a crop top out at the bars because I’m addicted to self-sabotage) and hit publish, and I’ve got myself a food blog. See? It’s not that hard.
Start An Etsy Shop
All you need to start an Etsy shop are ideas you highjacked from Pinterest and a dream. Well, a dream that was your fallback plan after failing as an actress or singer or whatever. Create some lip balms that are named after various SUR cocktails. Make some festival wear that is totally unoriginal and totally appropriating other cultures. Literally, just walk into Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters, take pics of thing you like, and do knock off versions of what they did. I’m pretty positive that’s how you created your t-shirt line, and I assure you that this will probably be just as time consuming and perhaps even more successful.
Read A F*cking Book
Wanna convince people that you’ve truly changed and are on a path towards enlightenment and personal growth? Read a book. Don’t read the Bible. Paris Hilton killed that charade when she said prison changed her because she read the Bible while locked up, yet she couldn’t name a single book or verse from it. Lala mentioned one time that she read The Alchemist, and she’s probably one of the smartest people on the show. Case in point:
So clearly the bar is set pretty low to be the Einstein of the group. I saw on Instagram that Alexis Ren read The Four Agreements and I immediately respected her for it, even though she made a career off of having good-looking sex with Jay Alvarrez and fake laughing for pictures. Or read The Untethered Soul. I saw that my SoulCycle instructor posted that on his Instagram stories, and while I initially wrote him off because he’s, like, 40 and wears a thumb ring and takes shirtless mirror selfies, I totally respected him after seeing he read that book. Well, kind of respected him because did I mention he’s 40 years old, wears a thumb ring, and takes shirtless mirror selfies? Basically Kristen, just read any New Age self-help book and we will all automatically think you’ve got a hobby AND that you’re becoming more self-actualized, whatever that means.
Write A F*cking Book
I would suggest writing a cocktail book, because alcohol is an integral part of her diet, but Ariana would get very upset that Kristen’s doing something she’s done (or failed at doing). #TBT to when Kristen tried comedy for sh*ts and gigs and Ariana got offended because she takes sketch comedy “very seriously.” Let’s not act like Ariana is ever gonna finish that cocktail book. But at the same time, let’s recognize that Kristen thinks drinking an entire bottle of Belvedere or Casamigos is considered a “cocktail” when really, it’s flirting with alcoholism.
So maybe Kristen should get a headstart on writing a tell-all about Pump Rules instead so she can release it once the show gets cancelled, after everyone in that cast becomes boring and stable like the rest of us. You know we’d be all over that juicy gossip!
Start A Podcast
You’re sort of an actress with a lackluster IMDb page, and a second-fiddle reality star living in L.A., so it’s weird that you haven’t started one already! You might not have Stassi’s level of success, but it can’t possibly be worse than Scheana’s podcast.
Do The Marie Kondo Method
I’m not saying this because it’s all the rage right now, I’m saying this because this chick needs to get rid of all that “Live, Laugh, Love” crap in her house. It’s tacky and embarrassing, and I say this as someone who owns a giant pillow in the shape of a Xanax bar and a cross-stitched sign on my bathroom door that says “Please refrain from doing cocaine in the bathroom.”
Sidenote: One time I was at a party with Marie Kondo and I avoided her the entire time. She doesn’t speak English, but I just knew deep down that she would find a way to tell me to get rid of my Kris Jenner shower curtain and Xanax pillow. The only celebrity closet organizer I will ever listen to is Kim Kardashian. Sorry not sorry.
So Kristen Doute, in this new year, take some time for yourself, and please get a hobby. The Bravo producers might not be happy about it, but it has to happen.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3); @helenowen / Instagram; Vegiholic; Us Weekly; @kristendoute / Instagram
Season 7 of Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9pm, an event I’ve been anticipating with a fervor my boyfriend some have described as “chilling.” I can’t help it. As a latecomer to the series, this was the first season I could spy on via the cast’s Instagram. As such, there a lot of drama that I’m excited for. Brittany and Lala’s engagements, the launch of Kristen’s T-shirt line, and the 20-30 meltdowns I anticipate Ariana having over her still-unreleased cocktail book, to name a few. But most of all, I’m excited to watch Stassi Schroeder with her new boyfriend, Beau Clark. I’ve been stalking the living sh*t out of their relationship, and they are goals in every sense of the word. So you don’t go into season 7 totally uninformed, I’ve compiled a list of what we know about Beau Clark. Let’s dig in.
The Timeline
In a February episode of Straight Up with Stassi, Stassi revealed that she and Beau began dating in August 2017. They were introduced by Katie and Kristen, an opening that seems dicey until you realize the still-married Katie and Schwartz were introduced by Kristen too. Hey, maybe she has a career as a matchmaker if the T-shirt line doesn’t take off. As a reminder, Stassi’s breakup with professional sh*thead Patrick Meagher was also right around that time.
Broken up with on our anniversary after I planned a trip for us to Mexico. Call me Carrie Bradshaw. @rachaelnobrien you're coming w me now.
— Stassi Schroeder (@stassi) August 12, 2017
Don’t we all miss Patrick, guys??? JK, and I’m psyched that Beau apparently made an appearance no more than two weeks later. As a little background on Beau himself: he works in commercial casting, lives in LA, and loves the Rams (it’s a football team, I had to look it up), country music, and dogs. Here is his Instagram. On the podcast, Beau says he was reluctant to meet Stassi at first after looking through her Instagram. The bleach blonde, Botox, bottle service look was apparently not for him—but on their first meeting, they “closed down the Mondrian talking.” He’d never “laughed as hard ever with anybody,” and all around it sounds like a fairytale first date.
Flash forward six or so months and Stassi, understandably reluctant to put another relationship in the public eye, goes IG official with Beau. She posted a series of stories documenting the Valentine’s Day he set up for her. As proof that the man knows who he’s dating and how to make her happy, decorations included “dead people gloves,” handcuffs, creepy clown posters, and plenty of images of hearts being stabbed with knives. Plus, a special Valentine’s edition of their couple’s OOTD. Anyone else’s Valentine’s Day suddenly feeling totally lame in comparison? Yeah, same.
Stassi’s debut couples post:
Their Shared Life
Since then, it seems like it’s been pretty smooth sailing for the couple. At the Vanderpump Dogs Gala this past week, Stassi and Beau gushed about how happy they were, admitting that marriage is “on their minds.” While Beau had some initial reluctance to appearing on-screen for season 7 (he’d never seen VPR before he and Stassi started dating), it seems like filming went well. Notably, Beau has bonded hard with the whole Vanderpump crew, so much so that Stassi insisted they were no longer “ best friends.” “Now, they’re our best friends,” she shamelessly brags. If that isn’t the f*cking dream (never putting up with any of your boyfriend’s friends again because you both mutually agree on the 4-6 most fun people to hang out with), I don’t know what is.
Here’s their latest double date night (dogs in tow):
While I can’t find any solid proof they live together, I’d largely assumed they do from her Instagram. It’s pretty much a 24/7 reel of them eating Taco Bell, lounging on the couch with their two dogs, pulling elaborate pranks on each other and filming it, or getting ready for double dates with their friends. (Most often, actually, Brittany and Jax, which I find surprising.) Though I think the two dogs belong to Stassi, Beau appears to be a dedicated dog dad. And Stassi, for her part, now has plenty of personalized Rams gear and accompanies him to games. Seems like one of them is making the bigger sacrifice there, but he also basically became a Bravo star for her so it’s fine.
Here’s the Rams gear I mentioned:
And here’s a peek at their freakin’ cute home life:
Their Vacations
In addition to living a disgustingly adorable life at home, the couple has taken a few extremely sick European vacations. Here they are in Berlin and Paris this November:
Here they are being disgustingly cute in Italy in May:
And while these trips are enviable in their own right, they also seem to be an opportunity to hang out with Beau’s sister, Georgia, who—from what I can tell—lives there. The couple has annoyingly only documented their hangouts on their stories (and her IG account is private), but from what I saw, Stassi fit right in with the fam. Also, they’ve been a fabulous opportunity for Beau to up his Instagram-boyfriend game:
BRB, forwarding this link to my boyfriend with the caption “take notes.”
Ultimately, watching Beau and Stassi’s relationship on social media has been an absolute joy. They seem to share each other’s sense of humor, even while his laidback demeanor provides a slight contrast to the high-strung sh*t-stirring side of Stassi we all know and love. I’m no Us Weekly body language decoder, but they’re positively radiating joy in every photo together. Plus, over the course of their relationship, Stassi has invented a holiday, come out with a Witches of WeHo Pinot Grigio, written a book, and risen to 1.4 million followers on Instagram. Not only are they (seemingly) gloriously happy, they’re pushing each other to be the best versions of themselves. So, so happy for you Stassi—and can’t wait to see this all unfold, starting MONDAY!!!
Images: Twitter; Instagram; Instagram
Living a healthy lifestyle during the holidays should honestly count as an Olympic sport. For many people, Thanksgiving is the beginning of the end, diet-wise. You feel like there’s basically no hope after you’ve eaten an entire bird, your body weight in stuffing, and pumpkin pie is seeping out of your pores. That’s why we had nutrition expert Max Lugavere on our Diet Starts Tomorrow podcast to give us some tips on getting through the holidays without wreaking havoc on your body. Here are some of our highlights from our chat with Lugavere, but to get all his advice, listen to our podcast linked below.
- How our food has become less nutritious overtime
- You’re more likely to be hangry and overeat when you chose to eat processed foods
- The optimal amount of protein to consume is probably double the recommended amount
- You can burn calories by eating protein
- Why rats in New York City are becoming type two diabetic
- Why Lugavere does not believe in the “five small meals a day” method
- Lugavere lives by the motto that “Your next meal is another opportunity to turn it all around.” So yeah, diet really does start tomorrow if you want it to
- How to stretch your stomach to fit more food on Thanksgiving
- Remind yourself as Lugavere does, it’s about progress, not perfection
Hear the full Diet Starts Tomorrow episode above. To connect with Max Lugavere, check out his Instagram, podcast, and best selling book.
Images: Yakynina Anastasia / Unsplash
Unless you live in a cave (which at this point, I wouldn’t blame you), you’re probably aware that if you ever need a quick slap to your ego and confidence, you can just click on Instagram. Influencers with seemingly perfect lives can be super depressing to follow. Especially for women who have just had a baby. Recently, we spoke with SWEAT Trainer and creator of PWR Weight Training and PWR Post-Pregnancy, Kelsey Wells, on our Diet Starts Tomorrow podcast. She opened up about her struggles with body image and anxiety post-pregnancy. And also gave us the story on how she got into creating her own workout programs.
Kelsey talked about how women forget sometimes that they just pushed a literal f*cking human out of their vagina. Their bodies have changed and need a second to recover. There was a physical being growing inside of you, which is like, really quite the accomplishment (you also didn’t drink for nine months). So how are you supposed to get back into working out after this? Kelsey explained, “There’s really not much for that delicate phase of life .” That’s why she created her program: “you have to let your body heal.”
The first step to working out post-pregnancy: simplify. Kelsey says, “you need to take a step back, take off the guilt, and focus on nourishing your body and moving your body in simple, small ways, and those are going to compound over time.” Taking it slow is her key piece of advice. You don’t have to be extreme you just have to be consistent.
This can obviously be super frustrating when Insta fitness mommies who look like they gave birth one day and are ready for the VS Fashion Show the next. But that’s not really how it works. Insta is a highlight reel, not real life. What mom is going to post her baby’s vomit in her hair? None. Kelsey says you have to remember that: “it’s not about one super diet or super exercise that’s going to get you to your goals,” Kelsey says. “You can’t look at it as this finite thing to be done. It has to be a shift, a small lifestyle shift.”
Women also should not feel that they have to suffer in silence. It’s super normal to be upset with your body after pregnancy. You likely put on weight (which is normal when you’re literally eating for two living things) and you most likely don’t look like you did pre-pregnancy. So do yourself a favor and un-follow those intense workout accounts, that’s not the inspo you need right now.
Instead, look for the Insta-moms out there who have opened up about day-to-day challenges of postpartum (there are a ton). You can also follow Kelsey on Instagram and download SWEAT to follow her PWR Post-Pregnancy program. You can also listen to her full interview with us on the most recent episode of Diet Starts Tomorrow.
Even if you’re not a mom, Kelsey is like totally inspirational. She has a lot of great tips for self-love and making slow progress. That’s the type of sh*t I’m here for. Listen to the whole episode of Diet Starts Tomorrow below, because it’s one of our realest episodes yet.
Images: Giphy (4)
Although you’re a flawless betch, it’s hard to be fearless all the time. So, this week on our Diet Starts Tomorrow podcast, our special guest was Claudia Oshry, better known as Girl With No Job. She talked about how she stays confident. Even though she has insecurities, Claudia never lets those take over her life. What started as a blog to b*tch out her co-workers after she lost her job has now evolved into a legit career. Here are some of our favorite moments from talking with Girl With No Job. Listen to the full episode below, because we promise, we didn’t even scratch the surface of the funny and insightful stuff she said.
- The first time Claudia sharted was at fat camp because she ate two laxative popsicles and got way too excited over winning color war
- You’ll never get over the nerves of putting yourself out there, but it does get easier
- Understand that your haters might think they’re right, but then you need to remember they’re wrong and f*cking stupid
- If you pretend to love yourself you’ll honestly start feeling it—Claudia’s been faking it since the fourth grade and look where she is now
- Claudia loves getting messages that are positive, especially when people say “I love how ugly you look here”—she gets it
- If you want to be serious on Instagram, buy a ring light
- The power stance has been proven not to work, but like, it does for Claudia
- Self-deprecating jokes can seriously help build confidence (it’s like, being self-aware)
- She got surgery that changed her confidence (sorry, you’ll have to listen to find out exactly what it was). But now she’s unstoppable so clearly it worked.
Listen to the full episode of Diet Starts Tomorrow to hear everything Claudia had to say.
Check out the full Diet Starts Tomorrow podcast and order our new book When’s Happy Hour? because Girl With No Job loves it (peep her on the back cover). To keep up with Claudia, check out her Instagram and podcasts. You can also buy tickets for her stand-up shows here.
