From the moment Sex/Life dropped to Netflix on June 25, horny people everywhere have been blind to the fact that it’s problematic because, you know, there’s a lot of sex in it. Pool sex! Car sex! Elevator (almost) sex! Even though you can see nipples and giant penises in every porn on the internet (seriously, what was going on with Brad’s huge d*ck in episode 3?), seeing it on Netflix is shocking, I guess?
Quick recap, in case you were too busy clicking through speeds on your vibrator to follow the “storyline”: Billie (Sarah Shahi) is married to Cooper (Mike Vogel), and the couple has two children (one of whom is a very annoying little kid who honestly needs to learn boundaries). Since having children, Cooper seems uninterested in sex, so Billie starts writing in her journal (which is just a Word doc on her unlocked computer) about her past relationship with bad boy Brad (Adam Demos).
While the plot itself is not great (so not great, in fact, that it’s actually kinda f*cked-up), there are a lot of other really strange things going on that make absolutely no sense. You might not have caught them because you were too busy orgasming on your couch, but luckily, I’m a fantastic multi-tasker. Cartoonishly big schlongs aside, here are a few Sex/Life elements I quite literally cannot wrap my head around.
1. Billie Doesn’t Use Lube
Now I’m not lube-free-sex-shaming, but the sheer lack of lube in the show is sus. I’m not even 30, and I’ve never had kids, but I basically use a whole bottle before even thinking about penetration. Blame it on hormone-zapping birth control or just plain getting older, but I’ve been on the lube train for quite a while. Maybe Billie is the wettest b*tch there ever was (which like, respect). But come on… for someone so apparently sex-positive, it just seems kinda ridic that she’s having amazing penetration after about five seconds of foreplay without a little help.
2. Billie Gets Turned On By A Random FaceTime Of Brad’s D*ck
Personally, I find few things to be less arousing than opening my phone and randomly being greeted by a surprise penis. I’d quite literally rather have a yeast infection than have to unexpectedly see a picture or video of a peen and then have to respond to whichever insecure guy thought this was a good idea. It’s exhausting to even think about. First of all, just to be the party police, unsolicited d*ck pics are considered harassment (and illegal, in some states), not to mention they’re just awkward. I’ve never seen an image of a d*ck and thought, “Wow, I really want to get me some of that.” Ever. Ever! Not even on a good day, and not even with a good d*ck.
Granted, in Billie’s situation, she accepted Brad’s FaceTime, but when he started revealing his junk, she wasn’t like, “Woah man, I’m married” or even like, “Oh my God, are we gonna get flirty?” Instead, she literally GOT TURNED ON by unexpectedly seeing her ex’s pubes on her iPhone. He’s just sitting there flashing his penis and expecting you to fawn over it? No, girl. I’m calling bullsh*t.
3. And She Watched Her Friend F*ck Brad via FaceTime
Speaking of nonconsensual sexting, how about that time Brad FaceTimed Billie and propped up the phone so she could secretly watch him and her best friend, Sasha (Margaret Odette), have sex against a doorframe? And after Billie watched and masturbated, she told Sasha, who acted like it was NBD that, not only did the guy she was hooking up with film her having sex without her knowledge, but her best friend watched it live — and jerked it — again, without her knowledge. Who are these people? Does no one have boundaries or sh*tty wifi? If I told my bestie I watched her f*ck my ex without her knowledge, I’m sure I would be the proud new recipient of a restraining order and a lawsuit, friendship aside.
4. Billie Consistently Gets Off In Missionary
The last I checked, it’s hard for most women to get off by penetration alone. In fact, only 18% find it sufficient to warrant an orgasm. It seems, however, Billie is part of that lucky group. Sure, in her defense, she credits this to Brad’s proficiency in the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). “There are whole books written on the subject, which either Brad read or never needed to,” Billie says. “But when done right, it provides the ultimate connection, both physical and emotional. I felt closer to him than I had to anyone.”
In reality, the CAT is just a modified version of missionary where the guy is positioned higher up so the base of his penis rubs against her clitoris. But that’s not the only type of missionary sex they’re having. So, even when Brad’s not practicing the (very hard to master) technique, Billie still gets off in mere seconds from penetration? Checks out.
5. Billie’s Husband Goes On A Double Date With Brad
Going on a double date with most people is torture (the small talk, the discussion of splitting the check, the awkward seating arrangements), but going on one with your wife’s ex who she keeps fantasizing about, and her best friend who’s now f*cking said ex? In what world? It’s honestly sadistic. Out of four adults, one person would have to be like, “Yeah, this isn’t going to go well, let’s not do this” and put their foot down. But no! Everyone goes, and surprise! Things don’t go well. Honestly, I’d love to fake invite my husband to that dinner, just to see his reaction. Or maybe I wouldn’t, because that’s grounds for divorce IMO.
6. The Subway Track Scene
I don’t care how hot someone is, if they pulled me down onto a train track, as a train is coming toward me, I would 1000% be seeing their ass in court. I don’t know what for, but I would sue that MFer. What if a piece of metal was jutting out of the side? What if Billie didn’t get to the little nook in time? What if they stumbled while making out as the speeding train whizzed by? While I get there’s a level of hotness to danger, that’s reserved for like, riding a Vespa or wearing white on your period, not for nearly getting squashed by a train to make out with a guy who will literally have sex with you anytime, anywhere.
7. Billie And Cooper Didn’t Discuss Rules Before Going To The Sex Club
At first, it seemed like their friends sprung the whole sex party thing on Billie and Cooper, but during a later fight, it’s brought up that they both agreed to go. What it doesn’t sound like, however, is that they had any sort of conversation before stepping into the new situation. 101 for that kind of thing is talking before attending. It’s obvious they didn’t have any rules laid out and then just didn’t communicate while they were there. I’m sorry, having sex in front of people in that situation is pretty standard, but not wanting to do that is cool. Getting sucked off by your wife’s friend while she watches and cries isn’t as standard.
Also! The show making it seem like that’s what happens at sex clubs is low-key f*cked-up. For 99% of people, it’s something they choose to do together, but go on, Netflix! Let’s add another layer of insecurities for people who are having normal and consensual non-monogamous sex. Le sigh.
8. Cooper Just Keeps Reading Billie’s Journal
Sure, fool me twice, shame on me. But like, not really, because Brad is literally violating his wife’s privacy. Regardless, after reading Billie’s
Word doc journal, he freaks TF and plays the victim, even though uh, you snooped, sir. Yes, it’s unsettling to see your wife is writing about her old relationship, but she actually didn’t do anything wrong in that regard.
That aside, whatever. People snoop, that’s not so far-fetched. What is unrealistic, however, is the fact that Cooper not only reads Billie’s journal, but she knows he’s reading it, and he knows she knows he’s reading it, and he just keeps reading it, and she just keeps writing in it. This is just straight-up masochistic. Yes, he should be cut loose for snooping, but I’d also maybe stop writing scandy things (at least in the same place) if I knew my S.O. was being a little lurking b*tch, but that’s just me.
9. Billie Doesn’t Have A F*cking Lock On Her Computer
Cooper’s snooping brings me to the most unrealistic, absurd element of the entire show: Billie’s “journal.” This smart woman is writing her feelings down in a simple word document she leaves up on her computer. Her computer that doesn’t have a lock screen. And the same computer she just leaves lying on the counter for anyone to open and use.
Billie’s a professional. What professional doesn’t have a lock on their computer? What non-professional doesn’t? You have sensitive emails and bank statements and in her case, musings about your ex on there! And after her hubs snooped, you’d think she’d spend one second to go into settings and whip up a password based on her childhood pet, but nope! Billie just keeps writing in her little doc on her computer that she leaves out and expects her insecure husband not to snoop. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND HOW IS SHE GIVING LECTURES?
What it all comes down to is this: Sex/Life is no Bridgerton, and if these people lived in the world of Lady Whistledown, it wouldn’t have taken an entire season for their relationship to crumble. And honestly? They’d probably be having a hell of a lot better sex, too.
Images: COURTESY OF NETFLIX (2)
We’re only halfway through the final season of Pretty Little Liars and, in true Freeform fashion, it’s already a shit storm riddled with plot holes. In case you were
living your best life missed it, the Liars are currently being tortured by a Jumanji-like game that forces them to do millennial Fear Factor challenges such as talking to your ex. The horror. Also, Allison is now pregnant with Emily’s baby. So there’s that. And those aren’t even the most ridiculous plot lines that have been featured on this godforsaken show. That being said, I have swallowed a lot of bullshit from Marlene King over the years in the spirit of moving the plot forward, and as the series comes to close I thought I’d talk shit air my grievances about every plot line that I just could not even with.
1. Ezra & Aria’s Entire Relationship
I’ll start with Aria aka the Liar with the most unfortunate wardrobe stylist. Let’s put aside the fact that a 16-year-old is fucking her high school English teacher in local bar bathrooms. (Where are the parents??) But eventually everyone finds out about this torrid affair and no one is like “hmm this seems slightly illegal and highly inappropriate should I, like, report this shit to the cops?” Instead, Aria’s parents are just like “do you kids need snacks? A condom?” I’m telling your rn if this took place in New York, Olivia Benson would not stand for this shit. NOPE.
(A deleted scene from ‘Pretty Little Liars’)
2. Spencer’s Pill Addiction
I love when Freeform subtly tries to take a stance on issues. Just say no to drugs, kids. Not teachers having sex with minors or being sexually assaulted by your step-sister or blinding your neighbors for looking at you funny, but drugs. That will really fuck with you. All that other stuff you can bounce back from no problem.
3. The Underground Kidnapping
That one time A managed to single-handedly kidnap five girls from police custody and bring them to an underground bunker rigged with alarms and death traps. Single. Handedly. Tbh A’s cyber/kidnapping/medical skills are something I would imagine Olivia Pope would recruit asap to her gladiator group. A, you need to quit torturing high school girls and take your talent somewhere it’s truly appreciated. Like DC.
4. A’s Financial Status
How the fuck did A manage to come up with the massive amount of money needed to fund all of her schemes? It’s revealed the CeCe/Charles/Charlotte (I’ll get to this later) is actually A, but the only job A/CeCe seems to have throughout the show is a retail job at some nameless boutique. Bitch is working minimum wage and after taxes, rent, and credit card debt (I assume, look at that wardrobe) she still manages to somehow have enough money to spend on underground bunkers and medical benefits for her A Gang? Like, is Russia funding this too?? Marlene King, I demand answers.
Ah, my favorite forgotten plot line. There were, like, ghosts and shit that were out to get Hanna because of course everything is about Hanna. So Caleb left the show to protect her but then came back with a bad haircut and a low-key drinking problem (sounds just like the summer after freshman year tbh) and no one talks about the ghosts and shit ever again.
5. The Liars’ Post-College Careers
Anybody else notice that these girls got extremely high-paying glamorous AF jobs right out of college? Like, not a shitty internship or a weird temp agency period among them. Nobody had to freelance or be a waitress at a sports bar for a summer while they save up enough money to start their blog or anything. Except Emily, of course. Flunking out of college and selling your eggs on eBay seems about right.
6. And Furthermore, Who Would Give Alison A Teaching License?
Okay, this girl literally spent her entire high school career on the run from a vindictive stalker and you’re trying to tell me that not only did she graduate on time, but she convinced a college to give her an education degree? Also, is this not the same girl who liked blackmailing her friends to “feel close to them” and could eviscerate teenage girls with a single look? But, like, yeah let’s give her a degree to work with sensitive teenagers.
(How I imagine Alison responds to one of her students asking for an extension on an assignment.)
7. Ezra’s Novel
Lol. That one time Ezra pretended like he was only spying on a bunch of underage high school girls for the sake of his “true crime” novel. AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTED THAT.
8. That Spencer’s Dad Is A Fuckboy
Well, it’s not totally unbelievable that he’s a fuckboy. He wears crew neck sweaters, has a high paying job, and emotionally sabotages any female he comes into contact with. So, like, I’d hit that. What’s most unbelievable is that not only does he cheat on his wife with anyone who has a vagina, but he cheats on his wife with his mistress’ TWIN SISTER and doesn’t fucking realize it. And I thought Tinder was bad. Also, who’s hoping that the series final reveals the biggest plot twist of all, that Mr. Hastings is the father of all the Liars?? Seems plausible.
9. The Adults of Rosewood
Not a plot line, just something I feel strongly about. While their kids are off hunting psychos in stylish red coats, I assume the parents of Rosewood’
s finest dumbest are just like:
10. That Jason May Or May Not Have Slept With His Sister
Thought I forgot about this cluster fuck of a plot line, didn’t you? But no, I never forget an incest story—it’s too horrifyingly fascinating. Freeform really shit the bed when they realized that 4 seasons earlier they made Jason date his transgender sister Charlotte, which you would think would deter them from this awful transgender revenge reveal, but I guess someone in their office is cool with incest.
11. When A Was Revealed As CeCe Drake/Charles/Charlotte
Which brings me to this big reveal. I honestly just feel like the writer’s room was in a panic when they came up with this twist. That or they made a bet about how much bullshit PLL viewers would be willing to swallow. Which is apparently a lot since I’m here writing this article today. Sighs. I just felt like Charlotte’s whole reasoning for years of unrelenting blackmail and torture was a bit weak. Like, the entire premise behind the show was this: “I love Ali and you guys were a little mean to her one time SO NOW YOU ALL MUST PAY.” Which is actually how I handle all of my best friends’ breakups but that’s neither here nor there.
12. And Finally: Why Didn’t They Call The Cops After Episode One
I have so many questions for the Liars about this, but mostly I just want to ask them this one: