In our weekly Photoshop Fail, we choose one celebrity or influencer Instagram that’s been edited poorly and show you what the tells are of a botched Photoshop job. This is to show you that the bodies you see on Instagram aren’t real, and pretty much every celebrity is editing their pics—even the people you wouldn’t expect. Moral of the story: don’t trust anybody on social media.
This week’s Photoshop Fail is one I mentioned previously, and a ton of you guys wanted me to analyze it. This is what’s so scary. To me, the second I saw this Pretty Little Liars poster years ago, I was like, “oh God, kill it with fire.” It’s a horrendous mutation of what women—even these drop-dead gorgeous women—look like. But So. Many. People. saw this poster (and others) and thought, “Wow they’re so beautiful, how can I look like that?” Spoiler: you can’t. Even the women in the poster do not look like that. It’s not real, nor should you want to look like this poster. When you consider that most of PLL‘s fanbase is young women/teenage girls, it’s straight-up irresponsible to put out posters like these, and even the cast agreed.
Now, all of PLL‘s posters were problematic, but this one was absolutely the worst. I mean, you expect Photoshop in professional ads/photoshoots. Hi, I do it as a side gig for quick cash because it takes a lot of education to be good at it but not a lot of time to do. To me, that means evening out lighting, fixing minor imperfections (stray hairs, lines in the clothes, etc), color adjustments. It does not mean making alien mutations of already insanely beautiful women. Seriously, does it get more attractive than this cast? And it still wasn’t good enough?
Both Ashley Benson and Troian Bellasario publicly commented that the poster was scary and looked nothing like them, and they both found it super disappointing. And according to Ash, these were actually photos taken four years prior. Instead of just taking new pics, they digitally amped up their makeup to Bratz doll levels and made their hair giant. Why do I somehow suspect the photo editors were men? Like, “Hm yes, bigger hair, automatically sexy.”
The part of this that is most insulting is that the PLL costume designer is goddess Mandi Line, who I am obsessed with. The outfits in the show were to die for. I just want Mandi to dress me like Aria every single day. The show could have easily paid for and styled an amazing photoshoot that didn’t make them all look like the aliens from Dude Where’s My Car?. SO weird how these huge budget shows keep doing this, like that one season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Bad Photoshop is not a solution to skipping a photoshoot!
So, how much work was actually done here? I don’t know where the original photos were from, but let’s just compare based on what the stars really look like.
Firstly, it’s so weird that they all have half of a face. Lucy and Shay apparently weren’t good enough to have a full nose, either. But aside from the strange cropping, I tried to match it up with a real pic of Lucy at a similar angle. Aria was always my favorite (I had secretly hoped she would be A… such a good twist!). However, you can see from the photo that there’s a big difference between a gorgeous woman with makeup on and an airbrushed-to-sh*t ad. Her skin texture is completely gone, she’s smoothed out like a plastic doll, they went crazy with the burn tool all over her eyes to make them sunken, and pulled them bigger. They cleaned up her brows, and my favorite part—the hair. They gave her some kind of bulbous skull deformity that is the only excuse for why her hair reaches back four extra inches from where her actual head is. This is what I don’t understand about extreme editing. It would have looked better just as an actual photo that was posed that way!
Sooooo they removed Ashley’s other eye. It’s so funny because it’s such a close call. It’s almost possible that the wasp’s nest on Lucy’s head could have covered up Ash’s eye. Almost. However, the comparison photo I grabbed is a straight-on shot. As we can see, in the edited poster one, she’s slightly tilted to the side, which in perspective, would push her eye more towards the nose. They literally just took it out. When you have these weird close calls in editing, you just fix it. Like either expand the hair even more (what difference would it make at this point, honestly) OR leave a little bit of eye showing. But no. It’s been removed for the sake of beauty. And just look at that hair. She looks like she’s going to star in a Vegas drag show after this. In addition to the plastic smoothing and eye job Lucy got, they clearly shaved down Ash’s nose and blurred it into her face. She got to keep her full nose unlike the other girls, but it still was not good enough for ~*beauty*~. Also? Ashley Benson is the epitome of the hot girl, just ask her girlfriend, supermodel Cara Delevingne. She! Does not! Need! Nose shaving! Or an eye removal. Who knew we’d be taking fashion tips from The Handmaid’s Tale?
This just speaks volumes to how good of an actor Troian is—it’s been years and I still can’t accept that she isn’t Spencer IRL. Like, it feels wrong calling her another name. Soooo this one was really interesting. First of all, Troian definitely got the worst hair. It’s actually twice the size of her whole head. But I actually had trouble getting the faces to line up, which means they edited her entire face. Some of it could be the angle—I’m matching up different pictures, years apart of course, but Troian’s jawline is clearly just straight-up in a different spot than it appears in the ad. Which is weird because I feel like having a perfect, defined jaw like that is normally coveted? They moved it, softened it, murdered Troian’s nose, and even stretched her eyes into more cat-eye shapes, and her eyebrows are in a completely different spot. Some of that is just her expression, but it’s really, really far away from the actual shape. They even diminished her high cheekbones—also a supposedly attractive trait. I can see why she was so offended—these women don’t even look the same when you see the side-by-side. And real Troian is way prettier (and less terrifying).
Okay, this one was harder, because Shay was posed at a weird angle and I couldn’t find an *exact* pose to match. So I flipped a photo of her. So if you’re like but “omg Shay has a mole on this side,” yes, you’re right, because I flipped it. Anyway. Um, the first horror with this photo is they bleached Shay’s skin, which I never noticed in the original. I guess I just figured it was the lighting, but you can clearly see that regardless of color tone, her skin is way, way too lightened in the edit. Horrible. While it’s not an exact angle match, I will say they seemed to have shaved her chin a bit, and got rid of her cheekbones (again… why?), and diminished her nose. In addition, of course, to the big hair, scary plastic skin, and sunken eyes, of course. If you’re messing with Shay Mitchell, you obviously don’t think any woman is attractive.
I hope this shows you how horrific Hollywood is. Every poster you see is edited to this extent—some just are better at hiding it. Kudos to the women of PLL for calling it out themselves. They help get rid of the toxicity associated with this level of quasi-perfection. But really, does anyone find this attractive? I think it looks crazy.
In happier news, I am pleased to say that Katie Maloney did something that I found both hilarious and body positive.
She posted an UNEDITED video zooming in on her ass, with the caption “I dongivafuck”, which, respect. I generally don’t care for/seek out ass videos, but for how much flack this woman gets about her body, I appreciate that she’s owning her shape, her ass, and telling you to GTFO. We need to see more female celebs and women on TV that own their shape at any size. Good for you, Katie! Your body looks awesome, and people pay a lot of money for asses like that—just ask the Kardashians. More of this, please!
Images: Instagram (@sleepinthegardn); Giphy (2); Getty Images (4); Instagram (@musickillskate)
Pretty Little Liars had approximately seven million characters, and most of them were sketchy AF. It seemed like Andrew Campbell might have been A for like, half a second, but that turned out to be just another fake-out. But while he might not have been the real bad guy on Pretty Little Liars, the guy who played Andrew is heading to jail in real life.
His name is Brandon Jones, and he might need some Xanax or something. Last April, he was having an argument with a neighbor and decided it would be a good idea to whip out a gun. This dude is obviously so chill, right? Well, turns out that’s illegal (noted), and he was charged with felony assault with a firearm, as well as two misdemeanors.
Now, over a year later, the verdict is in, and Brandon will have to spend 180 days in jail, which is like six months. He’ll also have to do 3 years of probation, 30 days of “community labor,” and 26 anger management classes, because duh. The worst he could have gotten was five and a half years in jail, so he should feel pretty lucky that
he’s white and male his recurring role on an ABC Family show apparently paid for a really solid lawyer.
It’s still not really clear what they were arguing about in the first place, or why Brandon was just walking around with a gun, but clearly it didn’t work out so well for him. So remember, next time you’re arguing with someone and feel like pulling out a gun, probably just don’t.
After taking a quick break on writing these, nothing brings me more joy than to return to recaps and know that this is the final time I’ll have to write about this piece of shit show that has dicked me around for the past 7 fucking years. Seriously, I. Marlene or whatever the shit her name is, has been a massive television fuckboi in my life. Just when you think you’ve gotten over this shit and Charlotte is A, yadda yadda, her she strolls back in with some brand new crap that hooks you back in.
Frankly I’m so done with it and her and this and where is my bottle of wine.
ME: I’m so done with PLL and Freeform. I’m never watching this show again.
I. Marlene King: I’m making a new show that’s kind of similar
The Liars are all sitting around the street corner, talking about how they miss A so much. You’re supposed to have PTSD from getting tortured, not FOMO. Whatever. It’s clearly a dream sequence because Lucas’ weird ass is tap dancing around and Jenna is riding a fucking horse in the middle of downtown.
Turns out it’s just Mona’s crazy ass looking through a fucking snow globe. Dolls and snow globes? I feel like this show is just obsessed with shit you had in your room when you were 8. Where’s the Polly Pockets in this bitch?
ONE YEAR LATER
Another time hop, goodie.
Emily and Alison are feeding their blonde-haired, white twin girls. Ah yes, I can certainly see the resemblance to ethnic-ass Emily in these babies. Unless the dad was a fucking albino, I call hard bullshit. Ali goes to meet up with Emily’s mom in the super secret location that is the Radley. No one ever goes there, so it makes total sense!!! Who knows what they are chatting about and frankly, I don’t give a fuck.
Aria and Ezra are getting married soon and celebrating that their shitty book is now being made into a movie. Are they going to feature Nicole in it? Now that she’s like, un-kidnapped? I’m sure she’s super happy this traumatic life experience is going to be shown to the world and make her ex and his new wife like, super rich.
Spencer is looking like an American Girl doll and working at a barn with horses, while Toby, who looks like he’s been sleeping on a park bench for a few weeks, comes strolling in. They talk about horses and his time in Africa with all the birdies and the monkeys. She’s in law school apparently too. Spencer shows him a horse who loves her and I’m pouring wine because it’s way more important.
Hanna and Caleb are arguing over the fact that Hanna has invited Mona to live with them. Hanna’s pretty quickly forgiven Mona for trying to kill her, whereas I have friends I stopped speaking to because they never gave me back my favorite backless top from H&M. I’m looking at you, Hailey.
Ali’s back to teaching and is apparently teaching Ezra’s book in class? Good to know some schools banned To Kill A Mockingbird but keep a good romance book on deck. Thanks, Betsy DeVos!
That bitchy girl Addison is there and Ali tries to threaten her, which is like, not a good look as a teacher. Addison gently reminders her that she’s a dyke who has been a victim of attempted murder like 50 times and strolls out. Am I Addison?
Some deaf girl is looking in her locker and sees a doll with a knife through it. Seriously? Who picks on the deaf girl? Also, how many people with disabilities are on this show? I think I knew like, one kid who was partially blind in high school.
Speaking of blind, did you know Jenna is? Idk if that’s ever been said on this show!
Jenna is the new “life skills” teacher at school, which seems way more relevant that Geometry. Maybe she can teach them how to do taxes instead of forcing them to learn SOH CAH TOA. Addison tries to fuck with Jenna, who tells her that she can “smell a bitch from a mile away.” Is this a skill all blind people have? Is this why I know so few of them?
The Liars decide to throw a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party (my nightmare) for Aria and Ezra at the Lost Woods Resort—which is nice and clean and has less dead people in it now. 4/5 stars on Yelp! Of course, they are being watched by Melissa? Huh. Okay.
Every PLL Watcher When Melissa is under the hoodie:
Hanna and Caleb are arguing the whole time, yadda yadda. Everyone leaves to go bone (except Toby and Spencer who play Scrabble like the losers they are), Melissa takes off a mask (shocking because this never happens!!!) and reveals that it’s Mona the whole time.
Every PLL Watcher When The Melissa mask comes off and it’s Mona:
Hanna and Caleb are trying to get pregnant apparently. Like wtf? Aren’t they like, 26? And housing a fucking murderer in their apartment? I feel like maybe they have some other things to figure out.
Aria gets a phone call in the middle of the night and starts crying saying she can’t marry Ezra. She’s literally the girl who has cried “I can’t get married!” like 8 times this season. Apparently that was her doctor, making a very casual midnight phone call to let her know that she’s infertile. Have a good sleep tho!!!
For the first time in the history of this show, Aria doesn’t keep this information a secret and actually tells Ezra. Damn, this one year has changed you.
Spencer goes to visit MD in jail and is acting super fucking weird. Calling her mommy and holding her hand. You can hop off MD’s tit now, Spence. She asks for help with something, which is code for prison break. This ain’t my first rodeo.
It’s Aria’s engagement party and Hanna decides to bring Mona as a plus one. Kinda a low budget remake of Wedding Crashers rn. Ali sneaks off with Emily’s mom and Emily fucking screams at high school girls (who are serving food at the dinner) about being friends with Addison. It’s very clear this is supposed to be a parallel to Alison/the Liars and it’s trying way too hard.
Ezra goes up to Aria’s dad and is like “I didn’t ask for your permission to marry Aria, my b.” He and Byron bond over the fact that they both fucked their students a few times and all is well. Don’t ya just love a happy ending?
PLL really balled out on this episode because every parent is there. Who is getting a pay cut to support this? You know they had to fire Karen from A/V in order to get both of Aria’s parents in one place. They spared Tom in accounting though by not including Jason or Mike in anything.
All the moms get drunk while Spencer drives them home. Hanna’s mom tells Hanna that inviting Mona was a shit idea and leaves. I feel a kinship with her in this moment. There is nothing I love more than getting drunk and criticizing other people. That’s why I have been working at Betches for so long.
Ezra and Aria fight because it turns out that Aria DID know for a while that she was infertile and didn’t tell Ezra. Damn, just when you think they’ve learned. He starts talking about how their love is not the same and then runs off. Can’t wait for the wedding tomorrow!
Emily starts yelling at Ali about how she was talking to her mom. We’re clearly not at the Pride parade anymore. Ali finally gives in and proposes to Emily while wearing a fugly pug sweater. You read that right. The wardrobe people at PLL are trying to really shove it up our assholes at this point.
Hanna tells Caleb that she’ll kick Mona out in the morning. Nothing makes Caleb’s dick harder than Hanna ditching her friends and they go try to make a baby.
CALEB: Mona should be good to stay here until tomorrow. Everything will be fine!
NARRATOR: Everything was not fine.
Meanwhile, Spencer decides she’s over playing games—literally, she’s sick of Scrabble—and fucks Toby. They have sex in the cabin and it looks pretty vanilla, as one would expect from tight-ass and lizard boy. Can we acknowledge how much sex is in this episode? Like wow they really waited 7 years to show us the beginning stages of missionary. Neato.
Either this is another shitty time warp, or Spencer is also back at her place in the shower. She hears a piano playing and walks out to her living room. Wait, she heard the piano playing while she was in the shower? I think the witness has made it clear she was “in the shower”.
Either way Mona hits her over the head.
MONA: Knock knock
SPENCER: Who’s there?
MONA: Hard metal object
SPENCER: Hard metal object who?
MONA: I’m gonna hit you over the head with a large metal object
Spencer wakes up in a fucking dungeon looking at a mirror. How many dungeons are in this town? There are more underground lairs than mailboxes in Rosewood. Hold up—the mirror is doing different shit than she is because it is not a mirror, IT’S HER FUCKING TWIN. THANK YOU EVERYONE I CALLED THIS SEVERAL EPISODES AGO, THAT’S IT, RECAP IS OVER.
MD comes in and is like “oh shit you were supposed to be asleep” and knocks her out again. E tu, Mommy? And the fuck bitch, why are you not in jail? Idk why I’m even surprised.
Ezra is talking to someone at the hotel when Spencer, but not Spencer???, walks in. Ezra starts talking to her, basically sealing that this will end badly for him.
Anyways, back to Spencer’s twin, Alex. She’s British. Not in a hot way—in a very fake accent “‘ello Govnah!” kind of way. SO THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS COMPLICATED. Let me explain this quickly so not to create even more confusion (mostly on my end).
1. A lonely British boy walks into a bar after hooking up with his fiancée’s sister (Wren)
2. Happens to meet Alex who works there
3. Thinks it’s Spencer. Hopes it’s Spencer because he’s a fucking weirdo. Tells Alex about Spencer.
4. Alex becomes obsessed with Spencer.
5. Everyone just stab Spencer!!!!!!!!!!!!
The learning lesson is that bars are a magical place where dreams come true and families can be reunited, I say aloud in my AA meeting.
So not only is this girl AD, but she’s also been pretending to be Spencer. Once when she comforted Hanna while she was getting tortured, once when she kissed Toby and said goodbye to him and also when she fucked him like a day ago.
Alex says she’s jealous of Spencer’s life, friends, family and Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Not sure why she’s so jealous of her family—their dad has impregnated every bitch in this town. She wants to be Spencer SO BADLY that she even had Wren shoot her in the same spot Spencer was shot.
Okay I’m fucking scrambling to write this all down now. Here are my notes—written raw, by my drunk ass.
1. Why is Wren not mad his girlfriend is fucking a lizard part time
2. Wren is clearly obsessed with Spencer too
3. Everyone needs therapy here
4. Wren tells Alex to admit to Spencer/the Liars who she is and they will forgive her
5. Probs not
6. She says “probs not” too. We are in agreement. Stupid Wren.
7. Wren tells her that he loves her as Alex, not Spencer. Still shoots her doe? Kinky.
8. Spencer asks where Wren is.
9. ALEX KILLED HIM AND TURNED HIS ASHES INTO A DIAMOND?!?!??!
10. CAN YOU EVEN TURN ASHES INTO DIAMONDS?!?!?!
ALEX: I loved Wren
WREN IN HEAVEN: 🙂
ALEX: But I’m going to move on to Toby
WREN IN HEAVEN:
They all go to Aria’s shitty wedding, Alex pretending to be Spencer, and are hanging out. Alex asks to hold Ali’s babies and tells them that they have Wren’s eyes—so yeah, he’s the Dad. Fuck man. This shit is getting SKETCH.
Also, Aria’s dress looks like something my grandmother thought was ugly in the 1930’s. Take it off and go fuck yourself, PLL wardrobe.
MD comes to Spencer and tells her that she’s stuck in there too. She tries to feed Spencer and she’s like no thanks.
MD TO SPENCER:
MD tells Spencer more about Alex while they eat. MD didn’t know where Alex went but apparently sold her off like some Old Testament stuff. I think that was illegal even in the 90’s but whatever. She sold her to a British family who thought she was too crazy and brought her to an orphanage. The girl who shot herself so she could stalk her twin?! Crazy?! What were they thinking!!!!
MD comes in to hug Spencer and locks her back in her cage, like the caring mother she is. Spencer stole a bobby pin from MD’s hair though… and apparently is going to use it to get out of this high-tech cave. How did Orphan Black even afford this place?
Aria is now freaking out because guess who isn’t at the wedding—her brother Mike. LOL jk fuck that guy, Ezra is missing.
Ezra ends up in the AD cave with Spencer and they both are like, “hey we’re in some shit right now.” Apparently Ezra asked Alex something that Spencer had mentioned and she couldn’t answer correctly. He got suspicious so Alex kidnapped him. Seems legit.
So Alex comes back, says she’s going to kill Ezra, but first wants to tell Spencer about her life. Like anyone cares. Here we go:
1. Wren introduces Alex to Charlotte and they bond over being sisters and stalkers and into shitty British guys.
2. Charlotte and Alex say they both want family, yet spend YEARS torturing their own twin.
3. Charlotte happens to meet Rollins on a plane and they “have one of the greatest love affairs of all time.” Ah yes, Snaggle and Charlotte. Up there with Romeo and Juliet, really.
4. Jenna introduced Noel to the A team in exchange for money for her eye surgery.
5. Her eye surgery failed and Noel got his head chopped off, sad.
6. Not before he killed Sara Harvey for being too fucking nosey (and annoying).
7. Snaggle did the whole “marry Ali and blackmail MD” shit on his own. Rogue One over there.
8. Sydney was irrelevant and being blackmailed.
9. Charlotte gave AD all the money from the Caresemi Group, hence, dope AF underground lair.
10. Basically everyone is irrelevant and this plot makes no sense.
After Charlotte died, Alex came here to pick up where she left off, because they are sisters—they stick together!
Alex leaves to go play with the horse from earlier, who immediately is like “neighhhhhhh bitch get the fuck away from me.” Horse is woke AF.
The police department has let the Liars know that MD escaped and the Liars don’t think “huh, wonder if that has something to do with Ezra going missing.” Fucking morons.
Jenna meets with Spencer’s mom about the deaf girl getting bullied and walks past Alex. Jenna, with her super blindness but also super nose, smells that Spencer’s perfume is different. She’s like “what kind of fucking monster changes their perfume preference?” and immediately calls Toby to tell her that Spencer isn’t Spencer.
So yes, fucking Jenna pulls the fuck through. Toby was LITERALLY inside this girl and couldn’t figure it out, while Jenna smelled her.
REPORTER: Jenna, how did you know it was her?
JENNA: Perfume rules are simple and finite. Every Cosmo girl would have known!
Toby, like all Rosewood PD officers, was way late to the game on that one. He tells the Liars this theory, saying that the book Alex gave him years ago with that kiss, is not Spencer’s. They are all like “this is so crazy! Spencer has a twin?!” while all of us at home are like ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
It took them 3 seconds to figure out that Spencer has a twin and like 7 years to figure out everything else. WHY.
Who saves them next? Mona, OF COURSE. She’s been spying on them and turns out, is not on the AD team. She tells the Liars where AD is hiding Spencer/Ezra (the house Toby built) and they decide to forgo calling the police per usual and go find the friend they never even realized was missing.
MD tells AD to let this shit go and they can run away together. First of all, hate to remind y’all but MD LITERALLY SOLD YOU. Probs would not want to take a vacay with her. Also, Alex says no because she “wants to bring Toby”. MD reminds her that Toby loves Spencer, not Alex, so Alex fucking punches her.
So this whole thing starts at a bar and continues because Alex is obsessed with Toby. What the flying fuck.
Spencer manages to free both her and Ezra and they are trying to escape. Meanwhile, the hash sling, the slash slinging, the hash swinging, THE AXE WIELDING EVIL TWIN is following them. They end up in the Hunger Game-looking dome with a house. Everything is fake, except, whoops, the rock Ezra hits his head on.
The twins get into a fight and the axe goes flying. Toby (with a gun) and the crew show up, asking which Spencer is real. They do the classic twin mix-up game and Toby asks Spencer her favorite poem. Ugh, fucking over-achieving Spencer can’t just say the name of the poem—she’s got to recite it. In French. Just kill them both, Toby.
Finally, Rosewood PD decides to fucking show up and everyone is saved. And by finally, I mean 7 seasons later.
Now, Aria and Ezra finally get married. In the church where like, 10 people have died, and while Aria wears a tight, short dress. GOT ITTTTTT.
They all walk off and talk about how amazing it is that they are all happy. Toby and Spencer are together—she must have overlooked him fucking her twin? Aria and Ezra are married. Ali and Emily are engaged. Hanna is pregnant. I have successfully finished a bottle of wine. All is well.
BUUUUUT we go France now? Crazy-ass Mona (who I thought was like, on parole) is in France running a fucking doll shop. She goes downstairs, sips on tea and watches her prisoners MD and AD. How did they escape? How did Mona bring them all the way to France? How fucking psychotic is she? Why am I so fucking stoked about this? Mona has finally won the game.
It’s over. I say as I down some more wine.
But then Addison goes missing in the same way Ali did originally. Fuck you, I. Marlene. Just fuck you. I’m not doing this with you. Stop trying to make PLL 2 happen. PLL ORIGINAL DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
Let’s recap: This was horse shit. A character that didn’t exist for literally 5 seasons has been causing me grief for years. FOR YEARS. I’m done. I’m leaving forever. I’m getting on that stupid horse that figured out everything before the Liars did and riding off into the sunset, towards shows that actually make some fucking sense. Shhhh, sweet child. Don’t ask questions. What’s that quote—don’t cry because it’s over, smile because Game of Thrones comes back in 2 weeks.
Peace out betches. – B.W.
Another week of Pretty Little Liars is underway, which means I’ve wasted another hour of my life watching Rosewood’s Most Wanted fuck up their lives in heinous outerwear. Luckily
I’ve been working on having more patience there’s tequila and I’m three margs deep so this should be fun. Let’s do this thing, shall we?
The episode opens with Detective Tanner who has a huge
vendetta lesbian crush on the Liars and is thiiiiis close to getting arrest warrants for their shady asses. She’s giddy with the prospect but, like, I’ve seen this plot line before so I won’t hold my breath.
The camera pans over the chicest mugshots I’ve ever fucking seen and I’m wondering how all of these girls have mugshots AND college degrees? Like, I got one underage drinking ticket in college and everyone was all “kiss your future goodbye,” and yet these bitches get charged with murder every year of their high school careers and no one says shit. *sips margarita*
Anyway, Aria is still on the side of the road trying to figure out wtf to do with the dead body that’s in her trunk. A cop pulls over because of course one does and Aria has zero fucking chill about it. Jesus. Aria, you’ve been doing this shit since you had your learner’s permit, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
Rosewood PD: You look like you might need some help with that trunk?
But don’t worry, Aria, because lucky for you the WORST COP IN ROSEWOOD pulled over to help you. Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of shitty police work on this show but this is a whole new level of incompetence. Like, there is a dead fucking body in that squirrelly white girl’s trunk. Aria can see it, you can see it, the
viewers 14-year-olds back home can see it, and all you have to say is have a nice day??
Elsewhere, Caleb reveals that Mona is probs AD but the Liars are not even remotely fazed by this information. Hanna looks bored AF—seriously, her facial expression has not changed in, like, the last five episodes. Her resting bitch face is on point though.
Even Ali, who used to be full of vicious comments and psychologically damaging comebacks has dick to say about this new development with Loser Mona. Pregnancy changed her.
Seriously, what I wouldn’t give for season one Alison rn. #neverforget
Spencer wants to confront Mona but I’m having trouble focusing because wtf is Spencer wearing on her body rn? Is that a men’s blazer? The top half of a uniform for a very sad cruise ship line? Either way that blazer should be burned.
Aria still can’t sit with anyone and Ezra is v upset about it. Which is weird because I forgot Ezra was an actual character on this show and not just a fine piece of hipster ass? Though, he is bringing up some amazing points rn about how all of the Liars are shady, backstabbing bitches, but they forgive each other in the end.
Meanwhile, Aria is doing really great without her friends. She’s currently arguing with the dead body in her trunk. Casual. Did she finally try bath salts as a weight loss method? She looks great, so maybe.
Back at Mona’s apartment it’s clear that Mona is being emotionally tortured, though it’s unclear if it’s by AD or that fugly-ass barrette she’s wearing.
Andddd Mona lost the game. AGAIN. Seriously, why can no one keep track of this fucking game? It has an IPHONE attached to it with like GPS tracking and shit.
AD wants Mona to meet her for pie and Mona looks anguished about it. Like, please chill. Do you know what kind of dates I’ve been asked on recently? Pie sounds fucking delightful compared to my prospects. Show some gratitude, would you.
Mary Drake gives Spencer the deed to her shitty hotel to make up for the fact that she was in a mental institution while Spencer was growing up and also bail money. So sweet!
Back in lesbian la la land, Ali and Emily are freaking the fuck out about their future. Ali’s making a lot of valid points rn, for example:
Ali: We’re going to jail and our child will be put in foster care and grow up to be a murderous psychopath.
I mean, it could be that or also be those genetics you’re passing along to it? Idk.
Seriously can’t wait to see how this kid turns out.
Anddd we’re back to Aria. Because she is very dumb and very hungry she tries to turn herself in for the murder of Archer Dunhill. She’s hoping for a Snickers bar if she pleads guilty. But THANK GOD for Ezra and his exceptional stalking abilities because he stops her before she can
eat something turn herself in.
Ezra: Wtf are you doing??
Aria: I’m taking the fall for murder so my friends will let me sit with them again.
Seriously, you know shit has hit the fan when Ezra, the man who started a sexual relationship with his 16-year-old student, is the only one making any sense. It’s unsettling.
Caleb, Hanna, and Spencer decide to crash Mona’s pie date. Mona is acting shady AF when Caleb confronts her; she’s not even eating that perfectly good piece of pie in front of her. Is she on the bath salts diet too??
Mona’s rambling about not being in control and being manipulated and blah, blah, blah. She’s not AD because obviously we still have one more week of this bullshit.
Okay, HOW many trap doors are in Rosewood? Seriously, I’d like to speak to the city planner and ask him why Rosewood’s city layout resembles the Hogwarts castle. Like, you need the marauder’s map to get around this shit.
Me trying to figure out Rosewood’s city layout:
Hanna wants to go after Mona and Caleb is just like “no, it’s too dangerous, I won’t let you.” Spencer, the girl he dated and claimed to love, volunteers in Hanna’s place and he’s just like “yeah, you’ll do.”
Hanna is v trusting to leave her man alone with Spencer. Like, I know you’re married and all but Spencer and her platinum vagine are safe from NO ONE.
Meanwhile, Ezra and Aria are still fucking arguing. Ezra literally cannot believe he’s going to marry someone with the deductive reasoning skills of a goldfish. And, like, same. You can do so much better, Ezra. There are so many other
underage girls fish in the sea!
Aria: We need to deal with the dead body in my trunk.
Ezra: Babe, I’ve got this.
Ezra: *offended* I have a masters degree in American Literature, I can handle anything.
LOLLLLLLL, Ezra. Like that doesn’t even make you qualified to work at Taco Bell, much less dispose of a dead body. Get outta here.
Surprise, surprise, the body is missing. Jesus Christ. These girls lose dead bodies faster than I lose Bumble dates sooo that’s a pretty rapid fucking pace.
Meanwhile, in the underground tunnels of Rosewood’s women’s restrooms, Caleb tells Spencer he’s married and Spencer is just like:
She’s taking it well.
Ali and Emily, riddled with guilt and uncertainty, promptly fall asleep after their discussion of what will happen to their child if they go to jail. They wake up and the fucking game is in their apartment, taunting them with Alison video throwbacks.
Alison looks terrified, and is it just me or does Emily look kinda turned on by it? This relationship seems healthy. Luckily Ezra and Aria bust up this scene before Emily can distract Ali with her vagina again. Blessings.
Alison apologies to Aria for being such a bitch and is just like “we’re sorry we turned on you the second our friendship was tested even the littlest bit.”
Ezra takes in this little kumbaya moment and internally screams. He’s wishing he met literally any other
girl high school sophomore in that bar that night.
Loser Mona is back and are we FINALLY going to figure out who murdered Charlotte?? It’s been two seasons and in that time span I’ve moved apartments 4 times and watched everyone I know and love get engaged around me, but, like, please tell me more.
HOLY SHIT. Mona killed Charlotte and I have never wanted to be friends with her more.
They bring Mona back to Spencer’s newly acquired hotel and Ali is just like “ew, why is she dressed like that.” It’s a valid concern.
Spencer goes into this passive-aggressive rant about how Mona’s change in appearance is a coping mechanism for all of the stress she’s under so she’s reverting back to a time when she felt safe in Alison’s verbally abusive embrace.
Tbh, Spenc, I’m pretty sure Alison was talking to you and that fucking lesbian blazer. I can’t.
The Liars finally assemble the world’s easiest puzzle and not only can the game walk and talk and frame them for murder but it also uses augmented reality! I stand by my original theory that Steve Jobs is AD.
AD tells them the exact location of Dunhill’s body and the Liars think the smartest course of action is to go there and dig it up.
Completely out of nowhere Aria grows a brain and is like “uh guys, maybe let’s not dig up a dead body and further incriminate ourselves? Idk?”
But they listen to Aria because they’re having a bad hair day and they def can’t get new mugshots if they’re caught tonight. Same, girls.
And, once again, the Liars are all back at the
Plastic’s table precinct and things are looking pretty fucking bleak for them. They’re just like “so this is it.” After 7 seasons and one million murders they’re finally getting what’s coming to them. Thank you, Jesus.
BUT WAIT Mary Drake takes the fall for them. And Detective Tanner is PISSED. She’s been bested by five millennials with shitty hair extensions (looking at you, Hanna) and wearing clashing prints (cough, cough, ARIA).
Detective Tanner looks like she would rather walk into oncoming traffic than let these bitches go, but apparently her captain doesn’t like “loose ends” or “crazy theories,” so they’re cleared of all charges.
And I can sympathize because I, too, am fucking tired of the loose ends and crazy theories, Marlene King.
The episode ends and these girls have been cleared of not one but TWO murder charges, and meanwhile the barista at Starbucks fucked up my
will to live coffee order this morning. Where is the justice? WHERE?
Whatever. I can’t wait for next week’s episode where I’m sure Spencer, once again, will assault my eyes with her outfit choices. Should be a blast.
In case you’ve been living under a rock, the nightmare that has been Pretty Little Liars is coming to an end later this month. After seven years, these ladies are finally going to have to go on auditions again, and Freeform (RIP ABC Family) will have to fill its slot with some other shitty, confusing show.
But don’t despair, if you’re still a 10th grader on the inside and are sad to see the show go, there’s one last way you can pay your respects. At the Warner Bros. Studio in Los Angeles, there’s a special PLL exhibit that will be on display all summer. According to Warner Bros., “Tour guests can see authentic props, set pieces, costumes, and Pretty Little Liars filming locations.” Are you thinking what we’re thinking? FIELD TRIP.
Seriously, if you’re in LA this summer, skip the stupid art museums and head straight to the Warner Bros. lot. The exhibit contains some incredible props, including the ACTUAL board game, that fucking black hoodie, and the actually stunning painting of Alison that Sasha Pieterse should really ask to take home when it’s all over.
After all that you’ve given to this show over the years, seeing the exhibit will also require a financial contribution, and it’s steep. Tickets are $62, which seems absolutely ridiculous to us, but surely there are teens out there with really delusional parents who won’t mind. If you’re willing to cough up the cash, the exhibit runs through August 15, and there’s only a small chance you’ll get kidnapped by A.D. if you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m not Betch Waldorf. But I am loyal viewer of Pretty Little Liars if only because the limit to the Liars’ stupidity does not exist. Though it does give me hope that if I’m pretty enough and skinny enough I, too, can evade multiple murder charges. That being said, I’m pleased to finally use my useless knowledge of a tween TV show for something, since none of my friends will discuss it with me anymore now that they’ve hit puberty.
Anyway, I’ll skip the pleasantries and get right to the good shit. Last week Aria officially joined AD’s team, Mona looked sketchy AF, and Caleb and Hanna
fornicated in the woods got engaged. Now that the scene’s set let’s talk about this week’s episode or, rather, another Tuesday that I spent suspending reality for Marlene King’s financial gain:
AT ALI’S HOUSE
Well isn’t this fucking cozy. Emily’s like “you look so beautiful in the morning” and Alison’s just like “I know Em, you have a big lesbian crush on me.” We all know, Em.
Emily’s trying to get laid even though Alison, the “pregnant one” (I call bullshit. I’ve used that line before too, Alison!), just fell down a flight of stairs five minutes ago. Like, Emily, she does not need the healing power of your vagina; she needs actual medical attention.
THANK GOD this shit gets broken up by the cops. I get uncomfortable in the presence of happiness. Rosewood PD looks like they might actually be doing their jobs for once because they show up at Aria’s house too. Weird.
Anddd the Liars lost the fucking game again. It’s like, no wonder you have enemies everywhere. You’re constantly losing other people’s shit and lying about it. This would get you off the Christmas card list in my mother’s house.
AT ROSEWOOD PD
Spencer is coming in hot to the police station. No, seriously. She looks v hot. She definitely thinks she can she can get the upper hand on this whole search warrant thing if only she can get five minutes alone with Hot Cop. It’s a solid plan.
Spencer: Where is Hot Cop? No reason, just wondering?
The look on Spencer’s face when she realizes she can’t sleep her way out of this one is priceless.
Oh shit it looks like Detective Hot Cop recused himself from the case. Finally someone with fucking morals is on this show. It’s getting more and more evident that the Liars can’t just, like, lie or murder someone or get one of their mothers to sleep with the lead detective on the case to get out of criminal charges. Bummer.
Spencer, at a total loss of words, exits the conversation with a comeback a preteen would use when their mom won’t extend their data plan: “I’d say it’s nice to meet you but under the circumstances…”
The New Detective is unfazed. She’s just like “I’m a closer, Spencer. I close people.” Spencer is five seconds away from adding New Detective to her burn book aka how I handle unpleasant confrontations as well.
Meanwhile, shit just got real for Aria because the police are in her house and thiiis close to discovering Mr. Fitz and Aria weren’t just “friends” in high school. I think your cover’s been blown on that one for a while now. You forget this is Rosewood, Aria, no one sleeps with anyone unless they’re below the legal age limit.
Aria finds a cell phone in an air vent because of fucking course that’s the one place Rosewood PD wouldn’t search DURING THEIR SEARCH WARRANT. Just when I was starting to have some respect for them, too. Seriously, though AD needs to take her talents elsewhere. She’s too good to be torturing morons in Pennsylvania.
IN THE FANCIEST HOTEL SUITE IN ROSEWOOD
The Liars are gathered in the fanciest hotel suite in Rosewood trying to figure out why the fuck the police are actually doing their jobs. Everyone is looking at Spencer like “we thought you
slept with Hot Cop took care of this.”
Spencer pretends like she didn’t fail at being a secret hoe and hands out
ancient artifacts flip phones. And Hanna can not go five fucking seconds without complaining about the shitty replacement phone and how annoying it is that her old one is being used as evidence in a murder trial. Hanna is me.
Meanwhile, Emily is just like “I SLEPT WITH ALISON.”
Even pregnant Alison is still the biggest fuckboy in the room. Respect.
Hanna finds another cell phone from AD in their room service (seriously they have room service?? Wtf they are the most blessed murder suspects ever). No one makes a comment about Hefty Hanna finding something in the food. Seems like a missed opportunity tbh.
AD continues to make threats and honestly I’m bored. I’m
on my period in the mood to watch something burn so for the love of God can something happen this episode please.
This is interesting though: AD offers them a way out, one Liar has to plead guilty so the rest can go free or else they all go to jail. They all just sit there with their thumbs up their asses until Mona shows up to set these bitches straight. Mona tries to tell them that they have a snitch in their midst and the Liars are just like:
Mona: Have you noticed how ARIA’S not here and that ARIA is always missing when shit goes down?
Mona: Jesus fucking Christ ARIA IS ON AD’S TEAM.
I know, Mona, it’s v frustrating when you’re the only one with brain cells in the room. Come sit on the couch, it’s better over here.
LOL Toby’s beard. Very clever, Marlene King, what a unique way to show that he’s grieving. His grief might be more convincing, though, if he weren’t eye-fucking Spencer rn.
We cut back to Aria who looks sketchy AF running into the woods for an AD errand. Aria, didn’t your mother ever tell you that nothing good happens to girls after 10pm in Rosewood?
The Liars are SHOCKED that Aria, the dumbest, skinniest girl in their squad, could possibly be smart enough to work against them. And, like, same girls. I am shook.
The Liars are losing their shit all over Aria, it’s honestly like a scene out of Animal Kingdom. Aria attempts to justify her actions by pointing out that every single one of them is a sneaky bitch too. Well played.
Aria: Spencer, do you remember that one time you kidnapped a child because A told you to? You’re not better than me.
And Spencer is confused because, no, she does not remember the child she kidnapped.
Okay, whoa. Spencer is being v judgmental rn. Like, no one’s said shit about your bangs all season so can’t you find in your heart to forgive Aria for maybe conspiring to set you up for murder?
Also, is it just me or is Spencer acting like a 15-year-old girl this entire episode?
Spencer: Aria, you’re the reason my parents are getting a divorce!
Aria: Is it that or the fact that your dad has multiple extra-marital affairs and a slew of illegitimate children?
Me watching all of this shit go down:
New Detective, who I just realized is not new at all but is in fact a crucial character we’ve seen before, brings all the Liars in to the
principal’s office police station and tries to scare them straight. Honestly, what does she expect to happen here? They come clean? Nice try detective, but there are still two more episodes before this series wraps up. If you think they’re confessing before 8:59pm on June 27th you’re crazier than Mary Drake.
And Spencer throughout this entire shakedown looks like she could not give one single fuck. Spencer is me.
Aria is having some sort of meltdown in her car because her friends won’t let her sit with them anymore at the
Plastic’s table precinct. I continue to be constantly amazed by A/AD’s technological prowess. Like HOW did she figure out a way to hijack the phone and make it impossible for Aria to hang up?? And also where can I get one of those? Asking for a friend who needs to set a fuckboy straight…
Tbh I’m starting to think AD is really Steve Jobs back from the dead. Calling it now. Seems more plausible that Steve would cryogenically freeze himself and come back to torment teenagers in PA than Ali being impregnated with Emily’s eggs. Just saying.
The Liars are back in the world’s fanciest hotel suite and they still have to figure out who to send to jail. While they’re trying to figure this out they realize every one of them has kidnapped/threatened/driven the getaway car/actually murdered someone. Seriously, someone please lock these bitches up before they hurt another
potential A/AD suspect innocent bystander.
Spencer leaves to go realize some stuff. Perhaps she’ll realize she should get rid of those bangs.
She realizes herself all the way to Aria’s place. And she’s like “you’re right I did steal that kid one time. I just remembered.”
Hell is about to freeze over because Spencer is this close to saying “I’m sorry” but then the detectives bust in with all of Aria’s shit. She’s been cleared for the murder and is not a suspect anymore. Spencer is PISSED.
Ezra, in an attempt to make his character matter, calls Aria out on all her shady bullshit lately.
Ezra: Seriously, you’re acting way shadier than that one time I was hanging out with my ex-fiancée behind your back.
Oh shit. He knew Aria tried to call him a pedophile. AND he still wants to marry her. That’s love right there.
Ezra wants to be “open and honest” with Aria now. And she’s just like, “Sure, let’s talk. But first…”
Tbh I’ve never been more proud of Aria than in this moment. It took you 50 seasons and every Tuesday since my senior year of high school but you’re finally
using your vagina to your advantage acting smart. *slow claps*
Hanna and Caleb are last-minute getting married because, as Caleb reminds Hanna, they might be going to jail soon and if they get married they don’t have to testify against each other in court. Hanna looks like she might cream her pants at the suggestion because nothing says everlasting love like a built-in alibi.
Meanwhile, everyone is hooking up. I see a theme here. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Ali and Emily in a graveyard on the ground. And none for
Gretchen Weiners Spencer. BYE.
Wait, spoke too soon. Spencer hits up Toby because his wife just died three minutes ago and now she can officially move in on Yvonne’s man. Spencer, never change.
Like, was she wearing that sexy of an outfit before? Or did she change to
steal your man seduce Toby?
Okay Caleb and Hanna’s wedding is actually really cute. I’m not crying. You’re crying.
Though Marlene King will be receiving a SCATHING letter from me for throwing this scene in with a sex montage. Like, I’ve been watching this show since before I could legally drink. The least you could do is give me an actual fucking wedding scene. THE LEAST.
BACK AT ALI’S HOUSE
All the Liars swear they won’t be mad if one of them throws the others under the bus. Ali is suspiciously silent. Spencer smashes the cell phone which is probs what they should have done, like, six fucking episodes ago.
Meanwhile, Aria is back to being a dumbass and threatens AD that she’ll go to the cops. Like, WHY would you tell AD your plan?? Have you learned nothing in the last one hundred years this show has been going on? Just when I thought you had a brain. I blame this decision-making slip on the fact that she’s probably hungry AF. Her entire body mass is equivalent to one of my thighs. You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, are you Aria?
Caleb and Ezra track down the game’s signal to Mona’s place. Mona is acting extra fucking creepy this episode. And if it comes out that Mona is A AGAIN I will lose my goddamn mind.
The episode ends with Aria finding a body in the trunk of her car just as the cops show up. Lol, have fun in prison, Aria. Don’t drop the soap!
Onto another thrilling week of Pretty Little Liars. I mean seriously, when does this show fucking end already? I feel like at this point I’m just a dying dog praying for a fucking mercy kill. End this goddam show so I can move on with my life and onto Game of Thrones, I beg of you.
AT ROSEWOOD PD
No one knows what crawled up Rosewood PD’s ass and made them decide to become actual enforcers of the law, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Like, bring back Wilden.
Spencer is getting questioned by a detective and he’s like “do you remember the night you went to Radley?” and she’s like “oh the night I fucked your boss in an elevator? That night?”
He keeps asking her questions about that night and she just keeps screaming “I DON’T RECALL.” This cop is looking at her like, could you keep your Tourettes under control for like one fucking second. This is the route Brendan Dassey should have taken.
DETECTIVE: Is this you in the photo at the Radley
Meanwhile in fairy town lesboland, Emily is building a nursery for hers, Ali’s and some other dude’s baby. Ya know, typical doting parent activities. Ali tells Emily she can live in the house with her and Emily practically creams in her camo pants.
Ezra and Aria exist. Bummer, right? Ezra is trying to move along with marrying her and whatnot and asks her to take dance classes.
Spencer tells the Liars she got drunk and will probs get them arrested for murder. Weirdly, I’ve had similar conversations before.
The Liars freak out and eventually decide to end this illegal activity by doing another illegal activity. One door closes, another felony opens, amiright?
Hanna and Emily decide to break into Radley and get Spencer’s drunk receipt out. Emily knows the schedule because she was a shit bartender for five minutes and Hanna is just the worst daughter ever.
Ezra meets his and Aria’s book publisher to go over their upcoming press tour. Of course, all the questions are about Nicole because like, kidnapping by foreign terrorist—so hot right now. He’s like “but I’m engaged to Aria” and the publisher is like “yeah, about that. ¯_(ツ)_/¯”
Of course, Caleb can hack into the security system at the Radley. Why has no one suspected him of literally anything? He has fucked half the girls in the room and literally built half this town it seems like. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
The game starts to play and tells Hanna’s fat ass to go rob a computer store. AD also texts Aria and is like “lol jk it’s your turn you doe-eyed bitch.”
Hanna doesn’t want Caleb to go to the computer store with her and he’s like “but I wannnnnnnna!” Hanna literally cannot take a shit without Caleb being right there. I’m sure Caleb can even hack into the Rosewood sewers and see that shit float lazily into the pipes.
Hanna thinks she had something to with Spencer getting blacked out and getting them investigating for murder. She’s like “I broke up her relationship and that’s why she’s getting in trouble for murder!” and it’s like okay, yeah, but you also committed the murder. Idk, that seems like the real problem to me.
Spencer goes to help Emily with the nursery and is like “I think I’m just going to fuck the detective and see if he’ll give me a break.” Emily is tells her to get over herself and Spencer is like “UH, wtf. You live in a carpet munching dreamland. Idk what I’m even talking to you for—you’re a virgin who can’t drive.”
Ezra is torn about doing the media tour and Aria’s like “omg no it’s fine, please do it!” You know something’s wrong when Aria’s selfish ass doesn’t want to talk about herself.
Spencer shows up to the detective’s shit hole of a house and is like, “oh, you’re poor as fuck.” Seriously, does this police department need to go on strike? No wonder he wants to solve this case so badly—maybe he’ll get a raise and be above the poverty line.
She tries to take off her clothes and he’s like “the fuck bitch, put your cardigan back on.” She is acting weird AF, further solidifying my twin theory from last week.
She’s like “honestly, he died because he sucks.” Well, that sounds good enough to me. Case closed. Wanna go grab some pizza after this?
The detective has the weirdest boner from this vigil anti-murder thing she has going. He’s like “you can’t murder people” but also like “I’m gonna murder da pussy.”
Spencer is like “can you stop being a cop for a second and let me get away with murder???!?” He’s like “we had sex once and now you want me to cover your murder?” I did not leave the Southside for this!
His phone rings and of course, he leaves her with all the evidence. And of course, she steals some. BECAUSE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.
The Liars get together to watch it and see it was Lucas’ testimony the night after Charlotte’s murder. Lucas sells Hanna out and says he can’t be her alibi. He also says that she probs didn’t commit murder but her friends are fucking psychos and like, it’s not totally out of their character. All of the Liars are super offended by this, of course.
LIARS: How dare he say we kill people!?
LUCAS: Well, there was Noel. And Snaggle. And…
LIARS: I would really like to be excluded from this narrative. One that I did not ask to be a part of since 2009.
Hanna still believes that there is no way in hell Lucas is A. She goes on a tangent about how she loves her friends, and all the little birdies and the monkeys, and how they would never hurt her.
ARIA BE LIKE:
Hanna says that she has to deliver something to A at the school and Aria suggests they stake out the locker. No one knows about the locker, so mistake one.
Emily is shoving food and prenatal vitamins down Ali’s throat and Ali’s like “what the fuck climbed up your clam.” Emily goes on a rant about Ali leaving her and all this bullshit. Fuck, I hate this show.
Hanna gets instructions to drop off the hard drive at the computer store at the exact same time she is supposed to be robbing her mom’s business of evidence. Priorities, right? They decide to all split up so Hanna can complete both tasks.
Aria’s like “oh wow, huge bummer but my boyfriend has this thing to do, so I can’t come help you stop our stalker. My b!”
Mona shows up and is like “okie dokie! Time to play the game that can murder me!” like it’s a game of Candyland. Did her parents ever tell her they loved her, I mean seriously.
Hanna’s like “you can’t sit with us!” and Mona is like “I have literally saved your fucking life like 10 times, let me into the goddam group.” Hanna knows they can’t let her in because Mona wears hoop earrings and hoop earrings are Aria’s thing.
Ali and Emily are staking out the high school by literally not doing that at all. They are visibly standing in the hallway, having a full on conversation and miss the person who comes to the locker—aka their only job. They are going to be great parents. We all know which kid is going to fall into Harambe’s cage next.
They chase after “A” and then Ali gets shoved to the ground. Emily immediately shuts this shit down.
They go home early and Aria happens to be there, fucking destroying their nursery. She trips and falls like 80 times and Emily almost catches her.
Meanwhile, Ezra is at the book tour talking about how great Aria is, not knowing that she just smeared blood all over a changing table. Like, cool story Hansel.
Spencer, Emily and Ali are looking at the fucked-up nursery and they’re like, yo this is insane. Aria’s like “ hey, nice weather we’re having, huh?” Ali and Emily figure out that there has to be a second A because whoever did this knew they would be gone.
They are looking at the ground in the nursery and Spencer finds Aria’s fugly-ass earring on the ground. Just leave it there, it’s where it belongs. Spencer’s suspicious while Aria tries to play it off.
SPENCER, MONITORING ARIA:
Hanna is going through receipts at the Radley but can’t find Spencer’s. They only have 10 minutes to find it, so Caleb decides to break a water pipe and fuck up all the receipts.
The detective calls Spencer and is like “give me that stupid fucking hard drive you dumb bitch” and she’s like… “hmmm well, I got it at your house late at night. Should we tell everyone we’re fucking?” Spencer is the kind of girl who pokes holes in condoms.
The Liars corner Lucas, who is freaking out in his house. He says he didn’t know Charles was Cece who was A, and honestly, I get that. I still don’t know who anyone is on this fucking show.
He’s like “We stayed friends, but only through email! I didn’t know!” Catfish, accomplice to murder edition.
Lucas feels responsible for all of this because he shit talked all of them in his emails to Charles and now he’s like, trying to kill them. And she shaved off her head and I guess now she’s addicted to crack.
He’s looking for another book where vengeance is turned into a game and they’re like “YUP there it is.” He says A took it before he can find it, because duh this isn’t amateur hour. They ask him how the book ends and he says it was never finished.
Hanna tells Lucas she believes him but asks why he is selling the factory and her company? He’s like, “well I’m broke and you’re a failure.” I paraphrase.
HANNA: What’s more important that your money?
Lucas has been friend zoned so hard it put him in a new socio-economic level.
The Detective calls Spencer in and tells her about the flood at the Radley. He’s like, don’t worry, I’m still going to find out who the fuck did this. Time to start poking them holes, Spence.
Ali and Emily are having a romantic lesbian moment that weirdly doesn’t take place in Emily’s wet dreams. Ali tells Emily she loves her and it turns into a full on makeout scene. Ugh finally. I was getting tired of this bullshit.
While Aria starts crying, A starts finishing up the comic book while wearing leather gloves. Oh, so now A can draw too? Like really, how many skills does this person have?
I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?
And last week there was no episode so:
But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:
Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?
Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.
Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.
AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!
Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.
Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.
Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.
Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.
It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.
God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.
THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW
Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)
Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.
Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?
They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?
HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….
They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?
The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?
AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”
AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.
Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?
So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.
MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.
Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”
Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?
They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.
Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.
The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.
Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.
Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”
Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.
Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.
Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.
Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.
Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.
A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?
Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.
Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.
Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.
Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.
Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.
She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.
Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.
Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.
Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.
Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.
Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.
This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.
Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.
Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.
Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.