The Floor Is Extreme Stupidity: ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap

Another week of Pretty Little Liars is underway, which means I’ve wasted another hour of my life watching Rosewood’s Most Wanted fuck up their lives in heinous outerwear. Luckily I’ve been working on having more patience there’s tequila and I’m three margs deep so this should be fun. Let’s do this thing, shall we?

The episode opens with Detective Tanner who has a huge vendetta lesbian crush on the Liars and is thiiiiis close to getting arrest warrants for their shady asses. She’s giddy with the prospect but, like, I’ve seen this plot line before so I won’t hold my breath.

The camera pans over the chicest mugshots I’ve ever fucking seen and I’m wondering how all of these girls have mugshots AND college degrees? Like, I got one underage drinking ticket in college and everyone was all “kiss your future goodbye,” and yet these bitches get charged with murder every year of their high school careers and no one says shit. *sips margarita*

Pretty Little Liars Mug Shots

Anyway, Aria is still on the side of the road trying to figure out wtf to do with the dead body that’s in her trunk. A cop pulls over because of course one does and Aria has zero fucking chill about it. Jesus. Aria, you’ve been doing this shit since you had your learner’s permit, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

Rosewood PD: You look like you might need some help with that trunk?

Aria:

But don’t worry, Aria, because lucky for you the WORST COP IN ROSEWOOD pulled over to help you. Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of shitty police work on this show but this is a whole new level of incompetence. Like, there is a dead fucking body in that squirrelly white girl’s trunk. Aria can see it, you can see it, the viewers 14-year-olds back home can see it, and all you have to say is have a nice day??

Elsewhere, Caleb reveals that Mona is probs AD but the Liars are not even remotely fazed by this information. Hanna looks bored AF—seriously, her facial expression has not changed in, like, the last five episodes. Her resting bitch face is on point though.

Even Ali, who used to be full of vicious comments and psychologically damaging comebacks has dick to say about this new development with Loser Mona. Pregnancy changed her.

Seriously, what I wouldn’t give for season one Alison rn. #neverforget

Spencer wants to confront Mona but I’m having trouble focusing because wtf is Spencer wearing on her body rn? Is that a men’s blazer? The top half of a uniform for a very sad cruise ship line? Either way that blazer should be burned.

Aria still can’t sit with anyone and Ezra is v upset about it. Which is weird because I forgot Ezra was an actual character on this show and not just a fine piece of hipster ass? Though, he is bringing up some amazing points rn about how all of the Liars are shady, backstabbing bitches, but they forgive each other in the end.

Ezra:

Meanwhile, Aria is doing really great without her friends. She’s currently arguing with the dead body in her trunk. Casual. Did she finally try bath salts as a weight loss method? She looks great, so maybe.

Back at Mona’s apartment it’s clear that Mona is being emotionally tortured, though it’s unclear if it’s by AD or that fugly-ass barrette she’s wearing.

Andddd Mona lost the game. AGAIN. Seriously, why can no one keep track of this fucking game? It has an IPHONE attached to it with like GPS tracking and shit.

AD wants Mona to meet her for pie and Mona looks anguished about it. Like, please chill. Do you know what kind of dates I’ve been asked on recently? Pie sounds fucking delightful compared to my prospects. Show some gratitude, would you. 

Mary Drake gives Spencer the deed to her shitty hotel to make up for the fact that she was in a mental institution while Spencer was growing up and also bail money. So sweet!

Back in lesbian la la land, Ali and Emily are freaking the fuck out about their future. Ali’s making a lot of valid points rn, for example:

Ali: We’re going to jail and our child will be put in foster care and grow up to be a murderous psychopath.

I mean, it could be that or also be those genetics you’re passing along to it? Idk.

Seriously can’t wait to see how this kid turns out.

Anddd we’re back to Aria. Because she is very dumb and very hungry she tries to turn herself in for the murder of Archer Dunhill. She’s hoping for a Snickers bar if she pleads guilty. But THANK GOD for Ezra and his exceptional stalking abilities because he stops her before she can eat something turn herself in.

Ezra: Wtf are you doing??

Aria: I’m taking the fall for murder so my friends will let me sit with them again.

Ezra:

Seriously, you know shit has hit the fan when Ezra, the man who started a sexual relationship with his 16-year-old student, is the only one making any sense. It’s unsettling.

Caleb, Hanna, and Spencer decide to crash Mona’s pie date. Mona is acting shady AF when Caleb confronts her; she’s not even eating that perfectly good piece of pie in front of her. Is she on the bath salts diet too??

Mona’s rambling about not being in control and being manipulated and blah, blah, blah. She’s not AD because obviously we still have one more week of this bullshit.

Okay, HOW many trap doors are in Rosewood? Seriously, I’d like to speak to the city planner and ask him why Rosewood’s city layout resembles the Hogwarts castle. Like, you need the marauder’s map to get around this shit.

Me trying to figure out Rosewood’s city layout:

Hanna wants to go after Mona and Caleb is just like “no, it’s too dangerous, I won’t let you.” Spencer, the girl he dated and claimed to love, volunteers in Hanna’s place and he’s just like “yeah, you’ll do.”

Hanna is v trusting to leave her man alone with Spencer. Like, I know you’re married and all but Spencer and her platinum vagine are safe from NO ONE.

Meanwhile, Ezra and Aria are still fucking arguing. Ezra literally cannot believe he’s going to marry someone with the deductive reasoning skills of a goldfish. And, like, same. You can do so much better, Ezra. There are so many other underage girls fish in the sea!

Aria: We need to deal with the dead body in my trunk.

Ezra: Babe, I’ve got this.

Aria:

Ezra: *offended* I have a masters degree in American Literature, I can handle anything.

LOLLLLLLL, Ezra. Like that doesn’t even make you qualified to work at Taco Bell, much less dispose of a dead body. Get outta here.

Surprise, surprise, the body is missing. Jesus Christ. These girls lose dead bodies faster than I lose Bumble dates sooo that’s a pretty rapid fucking pace.

Meanwhile, in the underground tunnels of Rosewood’s women’s restrooms, Caleb tells Spencer he’s married and Spencer is just like:

She’s taking it well.

Ali and Emily, riddled with guilt and uncertainty, promptly fall asleep after their discussion of what will happen to their child if they go to jail. They wake up and the fucking game is in their apartment, taunting them with Alison video throwbacks.

Alison looks terrified, and is it just me or does Emily look kinda turned on by it? This relationship seems healthy. Luckily Ezra and Aria bust up this scene before Emily can distract Ali with her vagina again. Blessings.

Alison apologies to Aria for being such a bitch and is just like “we’re sorry we turned on you the second our friendship was tested even the littlest bit.”

Ezra takes in this little kumbaya moment and internally screams. He’s wishing he met literally any other girl high school sophomore in that bar that night.

Loser Mona is back and are we FINALLY going to figure out who murdered Charlotte?? It’s been two seasons and in that time span I’ve moved apartments 4 times and watched everyone I know and love get engaged around me, but, like, please tell me more.

HOLY SHIT. Mona killed Charlotte and I have never wanted to be friends with her more.

They bring Mona back to Spencer’s newly acquired hotel and Ali is just like “ew, why is she dressed like that.” It’s a valid concern.

Spencer goes into this passive-aggressive rant about how Mona’s change in appearance is a coping mechanism for all of the stress she’s under so she’s reverting back to a time when she felt safe in Alison’s verbally abusive embrace.

Tbh, Spenc, I’m pretty sure Alison was talking to you and that fucking lesbian blazer. I can’t.

The Liars finally assemble the world’s easiest puzzle and not only can the game walk and talk and frame them for murder but it also uses augmented reality! I stand by my original theory that Steve Jobs is AD.

AD tells them the exact location of Dunhill’s body and the Liars think the smartest course of action is to go there and dig it up.

Me:

Completely out of nowhere Aria grows a brain and is like “uh guys, maybe let’s not dig up a dead body and further incriminate ourselves? Idk?”

Liars: *crickets*

But they listen to Aria because they’re having a bad hair day and they def can’t get new mugshots if they’re caught tonight. Same, girls.

And, once again, the Liars are all back at the Plastic’s table precinct and things are looking pretty fucking bleak for them. They’re just like “so this is it.” After 7 seasons and one million murders they’re finally getting what’s coming to them. Thank you, Jesus.

BUT WAIT Mary Drake takes the fall for them. And Detective Tanner is PISSED. She’s been bested by five millennials with shitty hair extensions (looking at you, Hanna) and wearing clashing prints (cough, cough, ARIA).

Detective Tanner looks like she would rather walk into oncoming traffic than let these bitches go, but apparently her captain doesn’t like “loose ends” or “crazy theories,” so they’re cleared of all charges.

And I can sympathize because I, too, am fucking tired of the loose ends and crazy theories, Marlene King.

The episode ends and these girls have been cleared of not one but TWO murder charges, and meanwhile the barista at Starbucks fucked up my will to live coffee order this morning. Where is the justice? WHERE?

Whatever. I can’t wait for next week’s episode where I’m sure Spencer, once again, will assault my eyes with her outfit choices. Should be a blast.

Aria Officially Can’t Sit With Us: ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m not Betch Waldorf. But I am loyal viewer of Pretty Little Liars if only because the limit to the Liars’ stupidity does not exist. Though it does give me hope that if I’m pretty enough and skinny enough I, too, can evade multiple murder charges. That being said, I’m pleased to finally use my useless knowledge of a tween TV show for something, since none of my friends will discuss it with me anymore now that they’ve hit puberty.

Anyway, I’ll skip the pleasantries and get right to the good shit. Last week Aria officially joined AD’s team, Mona looked sketchy AF, and Caleb and Hanna fornicated in the woods got engaged. Now that the scene’s set let’s talk about this week’s episode or, rather, another Tuesday that I spent suspending reality for Marlene King’s financial gain:

AT ALI’S HOUSE

Well isn’t this fucking cozy. Emily’s like “you look so beautiful in the morning” and Alison’s just like “I know Em, you have a big lesbian crush on me.” We all know, Em.

Emily’s trying to get laid even though Alison, the “pregnant one” (I call bullshit. I’ve used that line before too, Alison!), just fell down a flight of stairs five minutes ago. Like, Emily, she does not need the healing power of your vagina; she needs actual medical attention.

THANK GOD this shit gets broken up by the cops. I get uncomfortable in the presence of happiness. Rosewood PD looks like they might actually be doing their jobs for once because they show up at Aria’s house too. Weird.

Anddd the Liars lost the fucking game again. It’s like, no wonder you have enemies everywhere. You’re constantly losing other people’s shit and lying about it. This would get you off the Christmas card list in my mother’s house.

AT ROSEWOOD PD

Spencer is coming in hot to the police station. No, seriously. She looks v hot. She definitely thinks she can she can get the upper hand on this whole search warrant thing if only she can get five minutes alone with Hot Cop. It’s a solid plan.

Spencer: Where is Hot Cop? No reason, just wondering?

New Girl

New Detective: 

Not In My House

The look on Spencer’s face when she realizes she can’t sleep her way out of this one is priceless.

Oh shit it looks like Detective Hot Cop recused himself from the case. Finally someone with fucking morals is on this show. It’s getting more and more evident that the Liars can’t just, like, lie or murder someone or get one of their mothers to sleep with the lead detective on the case to get out of criminal charges. Bummer.

Spencer, at a total loss of words, exits the conversation with a comeback a preteen would use when their mom won’t extend their data plan: “I’d say it’s nice to meet you but under the circumstances…”

The New Detective is unfazed. She’s just like “I’m a closer, Spencer. I close people.” Spencer is five seconds away from adding New Detective to her burn book aka how I handle unpleasant confrontations as well.

Meanwhile, shit just got real for Aria because the police are in her house and thiiis close to discovering Mr. Fitz and Aria weren’t just “friends” in high school. I think your cover’s been blown on that one for a while now. You forget this is Rosewood, Aria, no one sleeps with anyone unless they’re below the legal age limit.

Aria finds a cell phone in an air vent because of fucking course that’s the one place Rosewood PD wouldn’t search DURING THEIR SEARCH WARRANT. Just when I was starting to have some respect for them, too. Seriously, though AD needs to take her talents elsewhere. She’s too good to be torturing morons in Pennsylvania.

IN THE FANCIEST HOTEL SUITE IN ROSEWOOD

The Liars are gathered in the fanciest hotel suite in Rosewood trying to figure out why the fuck the police are actually doing their jobs. Everyone is looking at Spencer like “we thought you slept with Hot Cop took care of this.”

Spencer pretends like she didn’t fail at being a secret hoe and hands out ancient artifacts flip phones. And Hanna can not go five fucking seconds without complaining about the shitty replacement phone and how annoying it is that her old one is being used as evidence in a murder trial. Hanna is me.

Meanwhile, Emily is just like “I SLEPT WITH ALISON.”

Alison:

Even pregnant Alison is still the biggest fuckboy in the room. Respect.

Hanna finds another cell phone from AD in their room service (seriously they have room service?? Wtf they are the most blessed murder suspects ever). No one makes a comment about Hefty Hanna finding something in the food. Seems like a missed opportunity tbh.

AD continues to make threats and honestly I’m bored. I’m on my period in the mood to watch something burn so for the love of God can something happen this episode please.

This is interesting though: AD offers them a way out, one Liar has to plead guilty so the rest can go free or else they all go to jail. They all just sit there with their thumbs up their asses until Mona shows up to set these bitches straight. Mona tries to tell them that they have a snitch in their midst and the Liars are just like:

Mona: Have you noticed how ARIA’S not here and that ARIA is always missing when shit goes down?

Liars: *crickets*

Mona: Jesus fucking Christ ARIA IS ON AD’S TEAM.

I know, Mona, it’s v frustrating when you’re the only one with brain cells in the room. Come sit on the couch, it’s better over here.

LOL Toby’s beard. Very clever, Marlene King, what a unique way to show that he’s grieving. His grief might be more convincing, though, if he weren’t eye-fucking Spencer rn.

We cut back to Aria who looks sketchy AF running into the woods for an AD errand. Aria, didn’t your mother ever tell you that nothing good happens to girls after 10pm in Rosewood?

The Liars are SHOCKED that Aria, the dumbest, skinniest girl in their squad, could possibly be smart enough to work against them. And, like, same girls. I am shook.

The Liars are losing their shit all over Aria, it’s honestly like a scene out of Animal Kingdom. Aria attempts to justify her actions by pointing out that every single one of them is a sneaky bitch too. Well played.

Aria: Spencer, do you remember that one time you kidnapped a child because A told you to? You’re not better than me.

And Spencer is confused because, no, she does not remember the child she kidnapped.

Okay, whoa. Spencer is being v judgmental rn. Like, no one’s said shit about your bangs all season so can’t you find in your heart to forgive Aria for maybe conspiring to set you up for murder?

Also, is it just me or is Spencer acting like a 15-year-old girl this entire episode?

Spencer: Aria, you’re the reason my parents are getting a divorce!

Aria: Is it that or the fact that your dad has multiple extra-marital affairs and a slew of illegitimate children?

Me watching all of this shit go down:


 

New Detective, who I just realized is not new at all but is in fact a crucial character we’ve seen before, brings all the Liars in to the principal’s office police station and tries to scare them straight. Honestly, what does she expect to happen here? They come clean? Nice try detective, but there are still two more episodes before this series wraps up. If you think they’re confessing before 8:59pm on June 27th you’re crazier than Mary Drake.

And Spencer throughout this entire shakedown looks like she could not give one single fuck. Spencer is me.

Aria is having some sort of meltdown in her car because her friends won’t let her sit with them anymore at the Plastic’s table precinct. I continue to be constantly amazed by A/AD’s technological prowess. Like HOW did she figure out a way to hijack the phone and make it impossible for Aria to hang up?? And also where can I get one of those? Asking for a friend who needs to set a fuckboy straight…

Tbh I’m starting to think AD is really Steve Jobs back from the dead. Calling it now. Seems more plausible that Steve would cryogenically freeze himself and come back to torment teenagers in PA than Ali being impregnated with Emily’s eggs. Just saying.

The Liars are back in the world’s fanciest hotel suite and they still have to figure out who to send to jail. While they’re trying to figure this out they realize every one of them has kidnapped/threatened/driven the getaway car/actually murdered someone. Seriously, someone please lock these bitches up before they hurt another potential A/AD suspect innocent bystander.

Spencer leaves to go realize some stuff. Perhaps she’ll realize she should get rid of those bangs.

She realizes herself all the way to Aria’s place. And she’s like “you’re right I did steal that kid one time. I just remembered.”

Hell is about to freeze over because Spencer is this close to saying “I’m sorry” but then the detectives bust in with all of Aria’s shit. She’s been cleared for the murder and is not a suspect anymore. Spencer is PISSED.

Ezra, in an attempt to make his character matter, calls Aria out on all her shady bullshit lately.

Ezra: Seriously, you’re acting way shadier than that one time I was hanging out with my ex-fiancée behind your back.

Aria:

Oh shit. He knew Aria tried to call him a pedophile. AND he still wants to marry her. That’s love right there.

Ezra wants to be “open and honest” with Aria now. And she’s just like, “Sure, let’s talk. But first…”

Tbh I’ve never been more proud of Aria than in this moment. It took you 50 seasons and every Tuesday since my senior year of high school but you’re finally using your vagina to your advantage acting smart. *slow claps*

Hanna and Caleb are last-minute getting married because, as Caleb reminds Hanna, they might be going to jail soon and if they get married they don’t have to testify against each other in court. Hanna looks like she might cream her pants at the suggestion because nothing says everlasting love like a built-in alibi.

Meanwhile, everyone is hooking up. I see a theme here. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Ali and Emily in a graveyard on the ground. And none for Gretchen Weiners Spencer. BYE.

Wait, spoke too soon. Spencer hits up Toby because his wife just died three minutes ago and now she can officially move in on Yvonne’s man. Spencer, never change.

Like, was she wearing that sexy of an outfit before? Or did she change to steal your man seduce Toby?

Okay Caleb and Hanna’s wedding is actually really cute. I’m not crying. You’re crying.

Though Marlene King will be receiving a SCATHING letter from me for throwing this scene in with a sex montage. Like, I’ve been watching this show since before I could legally drink. The least you could do is give me an actual fucking wedding scene. THE LEAST.

BACK AT ALI’S HOUSE

All the Liars swear they won’t be mad if one of them throws the others under the bus. Ali is suspiciously silent. Spencer smashes the cell phone which is probs what they should have done, like, six fucking episodes ago.

Meanwhile, Aria is back to being a dumbass and threatens AD that she’ll go to the cops. Like, WHY would you tell AD your plan?? Have you learned nothing in the last one hundred years this show has been going on? Just when I thought you had a brain. I blame this decision-making slip on the fact that she’s probably hungry AF. Her entire body mass is equivalent to one of my thighs. You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, are you Aria?

Caleb and Ezra track down the game’s signal to Mona’s place. Mona is acting extra fucking creepy this episode. And if it comes out that Mona is A AGAIN I will lose my goddamn mind.

The episode ends with Aria finding a body in the trunk of her car just as the cops show up. Lol, have fun in prison, Aria. Don’t drop the soap!

‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Babies, Backstabbers, And Lesbians—Oh My!

I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?

And last week there was no episode so:

Ross Friends

But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:

Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?

Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.

Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.

AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!

Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.

Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.

Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.

Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.

God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.

THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW

Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)

Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.

Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?

Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 15

They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?

HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….

They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?

The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?

AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”

AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.

Crack

Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?

So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.

MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.

Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”

Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?

They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.

Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.

The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.

Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.

Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”

Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.

Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.

Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.

Sarcasm

Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.

Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.

A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?

Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.

Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.

Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.

Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.

Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.

Idiot

She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.

Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.

Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.

Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.

Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.

This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.

Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.

Jesus Fix It

Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.

Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.

The Worst ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Plot Lines Of All Time

We’re only halfway through the final season of Pretty Little Liars and, in true Freeform fashion, it’s already a shit storm riddled with plot holes. In case you were living your best life missed it, the Liars are currently being tortured by a Jumanji-like game that forces them to do millennial Fear Factor challenges such as talking to your ex. The horror. Also, Allison is now pregnant with Emily’s baby. So there’s that. And those aren’t even the most ridiculous plot lines that have been featured on this godforsaken show. That being said, I have swallowed a lot of bullshit from Marlene King over the years in the spirit of moving the plot forward, and as the series comes to close I thought I’d talk shit air my grievances about every plot line that I just could not even with.

1. Ezra & Aria’s Entire Relationship

I’ll start with Aria aka the Liar with the most unfortunate wardrobe stylist. Let’s put aside the fact that a 16-year-old is fucking her high school English teacher in local bar bathrooms. (Where are the parents??) But eventually everyone finds out about this torrid affair and no one is like “hmm this seems slightly illegal and highly inappropriate should I, like, report this shit to the cops?” Instead, Aria’s parents are just like “do you kids need snacks? A condom?” I’m telling your rn if this took place in New York, Olivia Benson would not stand for this shit. NOPE.

(A deleted scene from ‘Pretty Little Liars’)

2. Spencer’s Pill Addiction

I love when Freeform subtly tries to take a stance on issues. Just say no to drugs, kids. Not teachers having sex with minors or being sexually assaulted by your step-sister or blinding your neighbors for looking at you funny, but drugs. That will really fuck with you. All that other stuff you can bounce back from no problem. 

3. The Underground Kidnapping

That one time A managed to single-handedly kidnap five girls from police custody and bring them to an underground bunker rigged with alarms and death traps. Single. Handedly. Tbh A’s cyber/kidnapping/medical skills are something I would imagine Olivia Pope would recruit asap to her gladiator group. A, you need to quit torturing high school girls and take your talent somewhere it’s truly appreciated. Like DC.

4. A’s Financial Status

How the fuck did A manage to come up with the massive amount of money needed to fund all of her schemes? It’s revealed the CeCe/Charles/Charlotte (I’ll get to this later) is actually A, but the only job A/CeCe seems to have throughout the show is a retail job at some nameless boutique. Bitch is working minimum wage and after taxes, rent, and credit card debt (I assume, look at that wardrobe) she still manages to somehow have enough money to spend on underground bunkers and medical benefits for her A Gang? Like, is Russia funding this too?? Marlene King, I demand answers.

5. Ravenswood

Ah, my favorite forgotten plot line. There were, like, ghosts and shit that were out to get Hanna because of course everything is about Hanna. So Caleb left the show to protect her but then came back with a bad haircut and a low-key drinking problem (sounds just like the summer after freshman year tbh) and no one talks about the ghosts and shit ever again.

Skeptical

5. The Liars’ Post-College Careers

Anybody else notice that these girls got extremely high-paying glamorous AF jobs right out of college? Like, not a shitty internship or a weird temp agency period among them. Nobody had to freelance or be a waitress at a sports bar for a summer while they save up enough money to start their blog or anything. Except Emily, of course. Flunking out of college and selling your eggs on eBay seems about right. 

6. And Furthermore, Who Would Give Alison A Teaching License?

Okay, this girl literally spent her entire high school career on the run from a vindictive stalker and you’re trying to tell me that not only did she graduate on time, but she convinced a college to give her an education degree? Also, is this not the same girl who liked blackmailing her friends to “feel close to them” and could eviscerate teenage girls with a single look? But, like, yeah let’s give her a degree to work with sensitive teenagers.

(How I imagine Alison responds to one of her students asking for an extension on an assignment.)

7. Ezra’s Novel

Lol. That one time Ezra pretended like he was only spying on a bunch of underage high school girls for the sake of his “true crime” novel. AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTED THAT.

Ezra:

Aria:

Me:

8. That Spencer’s Dad Is A Fuckboy

Well, it’s not totally unbelievable that he’s a fuckboy. He wears crew neck sweaters, has a high paying job, and emotionally sabotages any female he comes into contact with. So, like, I’d hit that. What’s most unbelievable is that not only does he cheat on his wife with anyone who has a vagina, but he cheats on his wife with his mistress’ TWIN SISTER and doesn’t fucking realize it. And I thought Tinder was bad. Also, who’s hoping that the series final reveals the biggest plot twist of all, that Mr. Hastings is the father of all the Liars?? Seems plausible.

9. The Adults of Rosewood

Not a plot line, just something I feel strongly about. While their kids are off hunting psychos in stylish red coats, I assume the parents of Rosewood’s finest dumbest are just like:

 

10. That Jason May Or May Not Have Slept With His Sister

Thought I forgot about this cluster fuck of a plot line, didn’t you? But no, I never forget an incest story—it’s too horrifyingly fascinating. Freeform really shit the bed when they realized that 4 seasons earlier they made Jason date his transgender sister Charlotte, which you would think would deter them from this awful transgender revenge reveal, but I guess someone in their office is cool with incest.

11. When A Was Revealed As CeCe Drake/Charles/Charlotte

Which brings me to this big reveal. I honestly just feel like the writer’s room was in a panic when they came up with this twist. That or they made a bet about how much bullshit PLL viewers would be willing to swallow. Which is apparently a lot since I’m here writing this article today. Sighs. I just felt like Charlotte’s whole reasoning for years of unrelenting blackmail and torture was a bit weak. Like, the entire premise behind the show was this: “I love Ali and you guys were a little mean to her one time SO NOW YOU ALL MUST PAY.” Which is actually how I handle all of my best friends’ breakups but that’s neither here nor there.

12. And Finally: Why Didn’t They Call The Cops After Episode One

I have so many questions for the Liars about this, but mostly I just want to ask them this one:

Catch up on our Pretty Little Liars recap here!