Another week of Pretty Little Liars is underway, which means I’ve wasted another hour of my life watching Rosewood’s Most Wanted fuck up their lives in heinous outerwear. Luckily I’ve been working on having more patience there’s tequila and I’m three margs deep so this should be fun. Let’s do this thing, shall we?
The episode opens with Detective Tanner who has a huge vendetta lesbian crush on the Liars and is thiiiiis close to getting arrest warrants for their shady asses. She’s giddy with the prospect but, like, I’ve seen this plot line before so I won’t hold my breath.
The camera pans over the chicest mugshots I’ve ever fucking seen and I’m wondering how all of these girls have mugshots AND college degrees? Like, I got one underage drinking ticket in college and everyone was all “kiss your future goodbye,” and yet these bitches get charged with murder every year of their high school careers and no one says shit. *sips margarita*
Anyway, Aria is still on the side of the road trying to figure out wtf to do with the dead body that’s in her trunk. A cop pulls over because of course one does and Aria has zero fucking chill about it. Jesus. Aria, you’ve been doing this shit since you had your learner’s permit, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
Rosewood PD: You look like you might need some help with that trunk?
Aria:
But don’t worry, Aria, because lucky for you the WORST COP IN ROSEWOOD pulled over to help you. Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of shitty police work on this show but this is a whole new level of incompetence. Like, there is a dead fucking body in that squirrelly white girl’s trunk. Aria can see it, you can see it, the viewers 14-year-olds back home can see it, and all you have to say is have a nice day??
Elsewhere, Caleb reveals that Mona is probs AD but the Liars are not even remotely fazed by this information. Hanna looks bored AF—seriously, her facial expression has not changed in, like, the last five episodes. Her resting bitch face is on point though.
Even Ali, who used to be full of vicious comments and psychologically damaging comebacks has dick to say about this new development with Loser Mona. Pregnancy changed her.
Seriously, what I wouldn’t give for season one Alison rn. #neverforget
Spencer wants to confront Mona but I’m having trouble focusing because wtf is Spencer wearing on her body rn? Is that a men’s blazer? The top half of a uniform for a very sad cruise ship line? Either way that blazer should be burned.
Aria still can’t sit with anyone and Ezra is v upset about it. Which is weird because I forgot Ezra was an actual character on this show and not just a fine piece of hipster ass? Though, he is bringing up some amazing points rn about how all of the Liars are shady, backstabbing bitches, but they forgive each other in the end.
Ezra:
Meanwhile, Aria is doing really great without her friends. She’s currently arguing with the dead body in her trunk. Casual. Did she finally try bath salts as a weight loss method? She looks great, so maybe.
Back at Mona’s apartment it’s clear that Mona is being emotionally tortured, though it’s unclear if it’s by AD or that fugly-ass barrette she’s wearing.
Andddd Mona lost the game. AGAIN. Seriously, why can no one keep track of this fucking game? It has an IPHONE attached to it with like GPS tracking and shit.
AD wants Mona to meet her for pie and Mona looks anguished about it. Like, please chill. Do you know what kind of dates I’ve been asked on recently? Pie sounds fucking delightful compared to my prospects. Show some gratitude, would you.
Mary Drake gives Spencer the deed to her shitty hotel to make up for the fact that she was in a mental institution while Spencer was growing up and also bail money. So sweet!
Back in lesbian la la land, Ali and Emily are freaking the fuck out about their future. Ali’s making a lot of valid points rn, for example:
Ali: We’re going to jail and our child will be put in foster care and grow up to be a murderous psychopath.
I mean, it could be that or also be those genetics you’re passing along to it? Idk.
Seriously can’t wait to see how this kid turns out.
Anddd we’re back to Aria. Because she is very dumb and very hungry she tries to turn herself in for the murder of Archer Dunhill. She’s hoping for a Snickers bar if she pleads guilty. But THANK GOD for Ezra and his exceptional stalking abilities because he stops her before she can eat something turn herself in.
Ezra: Wtf are you doing??
Aria: I’m taking the fall for murder so my friends will let me sit with them again.
Ezra:
Seriously, you know shit has hit the fan when Ezra, the man who started a sexual relationship with his 16-year-old student, is the only one making any sense. It’s unsettling.
Caleb, Hanna, and Spencer decide to crash Mona’s pie date. Mona is acting shady AF when Caleb confronts her; she’s not even eating that perfectly good piece of pie in front of her. Is she on the bath salts diet too??
Mona’s rambling about not being in control and being manipulated and blah, blah, blah. She’s not AD because obviously we still have one more week of this bullshit.
Okay, HOW many trap doors are in Rosewood? Seriously, I’d like to speak to the city planner and ask him why Rosewood’s city layout resembles the Hogwarts castle. Like, you need the marauder’s map to get around this shit.
Me trying to figure out Rosewood’s city layout:
Hanna wants to go after Mona and Caleb is just like “no, it’s too dangerous, I won’t let you.” Spencer, the girl he dated and claimed to love, volunteers in Hanna’s place and he’s just like “yeah, you’ll do.”
Hanna is v trusting to leave her man alone with Spencer. Like, I know you’re married and all but Spencer and her platinum vagine are safe from NO ONE.
Meanwhile, Ezra and Aria are still fucking arguing. Ezra literally cannot believe he’s going to marry someone with the deductive reasoning skills of a goldfish. And, like, same. You can do so much better, Ezra. There are so many other underage girls fish in the sea!
Aria: We need to deal with the dead body in my trunk.
Ezra: Babe, I’ve got this.
Aria:
Ezra: *offended* I have a masters degree in American Literature, I can handle anything.
LOLLLLLLL, Ezra. Like that doesn’t even make you qualified to work at Taco Bell, much less dispose of a dead body. Get outta here.
Surprise, surprise, the body is missing. Jesus Christ. These girls lose dead bodies faster than I lose Bumble dates sooo that’s a pretty rapid fucking pace.
Meanwhile, in the underground tunnels of Rosewood’s women’s restrooms, Caleb tells Spencer he’s married and Spencer is just like:
She’s taking it well.
Ali and Emily, riddled with guilt and uncertainty, promptly fall asleep after their discussion of what will happen to their child if they go to jail. They wake up and the fucking game is in their apartment, taunting them with Alison video throwbacks.
Alison looks terrified, and is it just me or does Emily look kinda turned on by it? This relationship seems healthy. Luckily Ezra and Aria bust up this scene before Emily can distract Ali with her vagina again. Blessings.
Alison apologies to Aria for being such a bitch and is just like “we’re sorry we turned on you the second our friendship was tested even the littlest bit.”
Ezra takes in this little kumbaya moment and internally screams. He’s wishing he met literally any other girl high school sophomore in that bar that night.
Loser Mona is back and are we FINALLY going to figure out who murdered Charlotte?? It’s been two seasons and in that time span I’ve moved apartments 4 times and watched everyone I know and love get engaged around me, but, like, please tell me more.
HOLY SHIT. Mona killed Charlotte and I have never wanted to be friends with her more.
They bring Mona back to Spencer’s newly acquired hotel and Ali is just like “ew, why is she dressed like that.” It’s a valid concern.
Spencer goes into this passive-aggressive rant about how Mona’s change in appearance is a coping mechanism for all of the stress she’s under so she’s reverting back to a time when she felt safe in Alison’s verbally abusive embrace.
Tbh, Spenc, I’m pretty sure Alison was talking to you and that fucking lesbian blazer. I can’t.
The Liars finally assemble the world’s easiest puzzle and not only can the game walk and talk and frame them for murder but it also uses augmented reality! I stand by my original theory that Steve Jobs is AD.
AD tells them the exact location of Dunhill’s body and the Liars think the smartest course of action is to go there and dig it up.
Me:
Completely out of nowhere Aria grows a brain and is like “uh guys, maybe let’s not dig up a dead body and further incriminate ourselves? Idk?”
Liars: *crickets*
But they listen to Aria because they’re having a bad hair day and they def can’t get new mugshots if they’re caught tonight. Same, girls.
And, once again, the Liars are all back at the Plastic’s table precinct and things are looking pretty fucking bleak for them. They’re just like “so this is it.” After 7 seasons and one million murders they’re finally getting what’s coming to them. Thank you, Jesus.
BUT WAIT Mary Drake takes the fall for them. And Detective Tanner is PISSED. She’s been bested by five millennials with shitty hair extensions (looking at you, Hanna) and wearing clashing prints (cough, cough, ARIA).
Detective Tanner looks like she would rather walk into oncoming traffic than let these bitches go, but apparently her captain doesn’t like “loose ends” or “crazy theories,” so they’re cleared of all charges.
And I can sympathize because I, too, am fucking tired of the loose ends and crazy theories, Marlene King.
The episode ends and these girls have been cleared of not one but TWO murder charges, and meanwhile the barista at Starbucks fucked up my will to live coffee order this morning. Where is the justice? WHERE?
Whatever. I can’t wait for next week’s episode where I’m sure Spencer, once again, will assault my eyes with her outfit choices. Should be a blast.
2 episodes in, only 8 more to go until sweet freedom from this horrible show that has consumed me for far too long. Lord sweet baby Jesus, expel these demons away from my television. Bring back Game of Thrones and let me regain my legitimacy in this world. Amen. Have I mentioned I’m Jewish, byeeeee.
WHODUNNIT: GAME VERSION
The girls are still trying to figure out who the fuck made this amazingly designed game. Ali suggests that it could be Jenna but the girls immediately shut that down because Jenna lives in a world of never-ending darkness. Truly, we lasted a two full seconds before the word “blind” came up. A round of applause for everyone involved!
Ali is like “well someone sold Jenna a firearm!” and it’s like girl, this is America. Every person has a right to a gun! Not their own body, but a firearm! God bless!
Hanna is very angsty rn. Han eat a snickers girl, you’re not yourself when you’re hungry.
Emily’s like “why does it feel like we’re still in high school!?” Well, because you live with your parents, you have no friends except high school ones, you live in the same shitty town and uh, you literally work at the high school. Idk just throwin’ ideas out there.
Emily is like “fuck this I’m out. I’m not playing this game!” and storms out in her cliché lesbo combat boots. Hanna pulls a Troy Bolton and is like “we need to all be in this together! Go wildcats!”
A reporter comes to Ezra’s house to ask about Ezra being reunited with his long-lost fiancée. Aria flips her fucking shit and started screaming “they are not getting married! Ever! YOU ARE FAKE NEWS!” Rosewood Inquirer spreading LIES after decrease in ratings! Sad!
Paige and Emily are talking in the locker room about Ali and their weird lesbo love triangle they have going on. Because the best place to talk about that kind of stuff is a changing room for little girls.
Some bitchy girl with a monotone voice is there listening to basically everything. Because again, she’s a student who actually goes there. Emily, after being highly inappropriate at work, decides to confront said bitchy girl, named Addison.
Like honestly these girls act like they would burst into flames if they had a shred of professionalism. Emily’s more concerned about an eyebrow raise from a 14-year-old than the serial killer out to torture them. #Priorities
If A turns out to be this pubescent fucking girl I am burning the Freeform studios to the fucking ground.
Spencer comes home and says her Dad has been avoiding her because they can only afford him for 3 episodes. Spencer is pissed because her Dad is a fuckboy and Spencer’s mom is like “it’s hard for him.” I’m sure it is.
SPENCER’S MOM: But your dad is popular
SPENCER:
Mona went through Hanna’s closet and offered dresses to the senator’s daughter. I’m convinced she is the reincarnation of ever overbearing Jewish mom ever.
Mona picks out a fugly-ass dress and Hanna flips out, saying that the Senator’s daughter can’t wear that dress. Mostly because it looks like a prom dress that a girl from a trailer park would wear.
Emily decides to confront the bitchy locker room girl, round 2. She is like “you cut practice yesterday! This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She kicks Addison off the lineup for the swim meet and in the distance you can hear me yelling “pick your battles!”
Ali and Em continue to talk about personal matters at school, and of course, Addison overhears them. Like, go to the teacher’s lounge. Emily gives Ali a very touchy hug, filled with gentle caresses and all, and of course you know that lil bitch Addi is taking photos.
The police chief/gardener from The O.C. comes over because he loves Spencer and he noticed that her roses out front are starting to prune. She tells him she’s Mary Drake’s daughter because her Dad cheated, etc. Nothing gets his dick harder than enforcing the law and girls with daddy issues.
Hanna is still freaking out over that fugly dress. Apparently Claudia helped her design the dress so it’s not fully hers. She’s hesitant to promote it but Caleb is like “pish posh! What’s the worst that can happen?!”
Me:
Addison tells Paige that she’s uncomfortable around Emily, because come on, she’s a lesbian. There are going to be girls in their bathing suits there. Then her mom called Addison’s mom. It was so retarded.
Side note, how can anyone take this Addison girl seriously when she’s wearing a purple cardigan that was ripped off the back of the nearest librarian? Like oooooh, tough shit Addison. What’s next? You going to exploit someone while wearing clogs?
Anyway, Addison tells Paige that Emily’s lesbian ways freak her out and that she “touches the girl’s legs.” She shows Paige a picture of Em pushing back Ali’s hair and threatens to go to the Principal. Paige manages to control her lesbian hulk “PAIGE MAD PAIGE SMASH” urges and says she’ll handle it.
Aria goes to see Holden to get her wedding menu done, even though the groom is like MIA. But that’s neither here nor there.
Holden decides to recruit her to cook with him because he’s busy. That’s like a doctor being like “hey random unqualified person, this is going to be a hard surgery. How about you put on some gloves and lend a hand?” I’m sure this is exactly what his clients paid for—Aria’s dumb ass handling their gourmet food.
She takes off her engagement ring to help cook, which like, bad idea.
MY BOYFRIEND WHO WALKED BY THE TV FOR .3 SECONDS: That ring is going to get stolen.
Ya heard it here first, folks!
Apparently Aria told Holden all of her problems because they are talking about her and Ezra. Like damn, didn’t you two just reunite last week? Like how long did it take Holden to catch up on this bullshit?
Holden is low-key team Ezra and asks if Aria’s been 100% honest with him. He’s all “we’re not that same as we were in high school” and she’s like, “see here’s the thing about that….”
Paige shows Emily the photo Addison took and Emily goes batshit, per usual. She wants to confront the girl again, because that seems to be working out for her so far.
Paige is like “hey guess what drama follows Ali everywhere she goes” and I think we can all agree that would have been a more effective name for this show. Paige decides to supervise practice to see what the other teammates say about Emily’s aggressive lesbian tendencies.
Detective Gardener is showing Spencer a bunch of bullshit about MD, who Spencer supposedly loves now. Suddenly, Jenna’s blind ass comes strolling in. They make her cane sound like a fucking omen. Like the shark from Jaws is about to attack at any point.
Jenna’s like “I can hear Spencer breathe. Hello Spencer.” Tbt to when Jenna shot her. #memories HAGS never change!
Also like, isn’t this bitch supposed to be cuffed? The detective is like “hey Jenna, how was being a fugitive? Take a seat. Can I get you anything? Condoms? A snack? God you make me feel young again.”
Jenna starts telling some sob story about how Noel took advantage of her and forced her to be his partner. And Jenna would know all about taking advantage. She’s tried to practically rape her brother like 10 times on this show.
According to Jenna, Charlotte had a lot of money and apparently some was supposed to go to Jenna and Noel. Idk, some dumb shit. Apparently Noel was MC Hammer broke and really needed that shit. It’s super hard being A on a budget.
JENNA: Crying
SPENCER/ME: BULLSHIT
Jenna sounds so fake rn. She’s like you should believe me because reason 1: I’m blind, reason #2:
SPENCER AND DETECTIVE:
Spencer goes to tell Aria about Jenna at the police station while Aria is still working in the kitchen. Like damn girl, you own the place now? Just inviting for friends over for fucking girl time? Aren’t you on the clock?
Spencer tells Aria that she wants to get to know Mary and forgive her. Like dafaq is this? Spencer, you’re soft AF.
Emily sees Jenna and the other 3 blind mice in the coffee shop they all damn near live at. Jenna sends a text message to someone at the same time Addison, who is sitting nearby, receives a text message. In Emily’s junior college mind, there is no other explanation for this, they must be working together.
Spencer’s parents decided to sell their house because Rosewood sucks. Yeah, I said it. Spencer is like THIS HOME FEELS DIFFERENT NOW. Fuuuuuucking dramatic much?
Spencer’s mom gives these whole speech about family and love and Spencer is not having it. Whatever, I’m over Spencer’s whining. If I wanted to hear a girl with hideous bangs bitch about their family problems I would go hang out at my local Supercuts.
Aria gets sent an article of Ezra and Nicole cuddling and being reunited. She storms out of the kitchen and Holden’s like “omg this is so awkward.”
Mona and Hanna are discussing the fashion stuff at the Radley, the world’s most chic mental hospital. Of course, we hear the cane in the distance and we all know Jenna is coming in to fuck shit up. And what do you know, she’s wearing Hanna’s dress design in white.
Mona confronts her about the dress and Jenna is like, “suddenly, I can’t speak.” What, you mute too, bitch? Mona turns to Hanna asks WTF and Hanna dips out.
Emily wants to break into Spencer’s house to play the game, like all friends do. She thinks Addison is a pawn in A’s game. Ali gently reminds her that Addison is a little kid and it’s like, and? A has been trying to kill y’all for years. Suddenly a kid is involved and they’re like “wow this is so wrong.”
Emily is worried that if she doesn’t play the game then she’ll have to tell the principal she didn’t finish college. But like, you’re a swim coach. Is there a degree requirement for that? Besides, you went to a JC. It’s not like they have high standards.
Ali’s like “ugh k,” and hands over the keys to Spencer’s house. Why does Ali have a key to Spencer’s house? How many lesbians are on this show? Am I watching a rerun of The L Word again?
Caleb and Hanna are spying on Jenna and sees that she sends her blind posse into the building where Hanna’s shoes are getting repaired. Usually when I say “this is the blind leading the blind” I’m talking about my drunk ass trying to take care of my drunk friends. Leave it to Freeform to make it literal.
Why is Jenna wearing an evening gown in the day time? And why would you even want that dress? I have so many questions.
Hanna goes into the abandoned shoe shop while Caleb, like the macho man he his, makes threats to the local disabled girl. She goes in to find her shoes and she suddenly gets locked in a cage? Does this place double as an animal shelter, I mean really.
Emily and Ali go to the game and find out Emily’s piece has been moved. They’re like “how could this have happened?” and it’s like, uh aren’t you the two who broke in here to begin with? Do I need to explain this to you more thoroughly?
The game shows them that Addison was actually getting high with her boyfriend while skipping practice. Where did they find this video of me from high school? Looks like her cardigan isn’t the only think that’s purple in her life! Get it?! I’ll see myself out.
Aria goes to see Nicole and has some candy in her hand. What is she going to do, poison her? One day in the kitchen and suddenly this bitch is already comfortable spiking the food. Before she can go in, Holden is there and stops her.
HOLDEN: Don’t do this
ARIA: *on her way to commit a felony* literally never tell me what to do
Back to Han who is filming the next R. Kelly “Trapped in the Closet” video at this shoe shop. She’s stuck in a cage and suddenly all the machines come on. She starts having a PTSD flashback to that time she was tortured and starts yelling for help.
She just kinda sits there and then A texts her. Okay, wait. She had her phone on her the whole time and didn’t call anyone? Did you PTSD suddenly make you unable to use your fucking thumbs?
Caleb comes in and gets her, while she just sits there in a catatonic state. Overall, lame show by A. Would not recommend to a friend.
Emily goes to confront Addison and starts yelling at her about how she was bullied and “do you think it’s cool to do alcohol and drugs” and other lame shit. Someone get this bitch a Xanax stat.
Paige comes in and is like WOW there is a lot happening rn. Paige says that an email was sent from Addison bragging about how she framed Emily. Addison swears she didn’t send that email, because she’s 15 and literally has no need for email ever, but Paige tells her she’s already in trouble.
We all know A be sending dem emails.
Holden apparently does stop Aria from doing something dumb and instead distracts her with pizza. He must have confused her with Hanna. He tells Aria to stop acting like a fucking psycho and give Ezra time. Holden seems great. Can’t wait for him to die or become A.
Emily gets a puzzle piece put in her staff locker and it’s like, damn A can you just fucking tell us shit? Gotta play all these games. A tells her in order to win the game she “has to be bad” and it’s like, are you hitting on me rn?
The girls put together parts of the puzzle and find that the puzzle is a map out of Rosewood. Even A is like, “damn y’all need to leave.”
Overall, wack episode. Waste of all of our time, tbh. I’ll tune in next week though a) because I get paid to do so and b) Holden. K bye!
