Today is a national holiday that should be marked on every notable calendar around the world. For on this day, a mere 42 years ago, this planet was graced with the arrival of one Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon, and none of us have been the same since. That’s right betches, today is Reese Witherspoon’s birthday
Reese is an icon. This is an indisputable fact. Agree with me or perish, sweater monkeys.
From Elle Woods to Tracy Flick and every perfect character in between, Reese has given us more than we can ever return, but we’ll die trying nonetheless. On Reese Witherspoon’s birthday, this holiest of days, we’re here to tell you which iconic Reese Witherspoon character you are based on your zodiac sign, so that you may go forth and exemplify the best that the world has to offer.
It only seems right that in this, the season of Aries, you are bestowed one of the single greatest Reese roles of all time: Madeline Martha Mackenzie of Big Little Lies. Much like Madeline, you are a passionate, determined leader, and someone people look to for guidance. The flip side of that: you’re polarizing. Some of us love you, some hate you, and most just want to be you. Congrats, Aries. Here’s hoping your husband doesn’t leave you for Zoe Kravitz.
Tauruses are loyal as hell but full of fire, much like June Carter from Walk the Line. You both take no shit (which people love you for) and have a tendency to look out for the most important person in your life: yourself. It would take someone with your dedication to tolerate Jonny Cash for as long as June did, and more so to spend that much time isolated time with Joaquin Phoenix.
Salty as they are sweet, underhanded as they are helpful, Geminis straddle the line between “wow, I LOVE her” and “wow, I want to KILL her” all too well. They are the Sour Patch Kid of the zodiac, and the sooner we all accept that, the sooner we can all find peace. In light of this, Geminis are clearly the Jill Green, little sister to Friends’ Rachel Green, of the Reese Witherspoon universe. Jill is cute, sweet, a bit ditzy albeit well-meaning, and it’s hard not to root for her…until she hooks up with Ross. You love her, you hate her, you wish you had access to her credit cards—all things we’ve thought about our real life Gemini friends.
While This Means War is definitely not one of Reese’s better ventures, her character Lauren Scott is a Cancer down to her core. Catching the attention of not one, but two wildly attractive men? Check. Destroying a lifelong friendship between said men while they vie for her affections? Check. Somehow embroiling herself in some CIA-level drama without realizing what she’s done? Double fucking check.
For you, Leo, we’re going back to the year 1998 and the egregiously underappreciated movie Pleasantville. In it, Reese Witherspoon is transplanted into an idyllic 1950’s sitcom with her nerdy twin brother, where she initiates a full on sexual awakening in the high school boy population. Showing up to a foreign environment and causing an absolute scene is pretty on-brand for your sign, but literally recreating the plot of Spring Awakening amongst a bunch of horny, repressed teenagers is some next level Leo shit. Viva la revolucion.
Virgos are the ambitious types who were never content to hang around in their hometown when there was a whole world to explore. Their drive for success will take them many places, but they’re also family-oriented folks who never forget their roots. This tension between breaking free and coming home is perfectly exemplified by Melanie Smooter of Sweet Home Alabama. Like Melanie, sometimes Virgos can get a little full of themselves given all they’ve accomplished, but their hearts of gold will always shine through in the end. Also, you wouldn’t be all that surprised if they punched their mother-in-laws in the face, tbh.
Congrats, Libra, you’ve struck Reese Witherspoon gold. Your ceaseless optimism and firmly instilled sense of justice means that you are the one and only Elle Woods. Like Elle, you set high goals for yourself, goals that others may not think you’re able to reach. But you know that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Your tendency to be good-natured even in the face of absolute bullshit can be confusing (even off-putting) to people who aren’t used to it. But once they realize that you’re genuinely that kind and enthusiastic, they’ll come around.
Intimidating, ruthless, ambitious to a fault: these traits may be seen as negative by some, but are cherished by Scorpios and their Reese counterpart, the iconic Tracy Flick. Tracy is fearless, unencumbered by petty things like reputations and other people’s feelings. Sound familiar, Scorpio? Also, if I had to put money on any sign’s ability to drive a grown man to madness, I know who my pick would be. Both Scorpios and Tracy know that you can’t be both loved and feared, and we all know which one they’d choose given the option.
Sagittarians are known for their independent streak. Of your friends, they’re the most likely to pick up and leave on a solo trip on a moment’s notice, weather, conditions, and safety be damned. Much like Cheryl Strayed, a Sagittarius knows that the road to self-actualization is a rocky one, but that won’t stop her from venturing to it. You both value the importance of alone time, something that others don’t always seem to understand. But the opinions of others have never mattered much to a Sagittarius, and they won’t start to now.
Capricorns are the moral compass of the zodiac. Logical and level-headed, they always seem to stick to their guns, even if their opinion is wildly unpopular. Much like Anette Hargrove of Cruel Intentions and her diatribe on virginity, Capricorns tend to form their opinion and stick to it (unless Ryan Phillippe shows up to derail it, that is). But this doesn’t mean that Capricorns are weak. In fact, their ability to stand by their word makes them a fierce enemy, and if the rest of us aren’t careful they will topple our carefully built kingdoms and drive away in our vintage sports cars.
People have a hard time understanding Aquarians, in part because of their aloof nature. What is an Aquarius thinking? How are they feeling? Do they even feel? These are all valid questions, which makes Aquarians the Mrs. Whatsit of the Reese Witherspoon zodiac. Both parties know that you don’t necessarily understand them, but that doesn’t make them more likely to allieve your confusions. It’s not that they relish the mystery that surrounds them, but more that they genuinely don’t realize how they come across. In the end, they mean well, which is good news for the rest of us because they seem like they’d be a formidable force to go up against.
Pisces are dreamy romantics who sometimes have trouble keeping their heads in this world. Their genuine optimism and hope is infectious and can warm even the coldest of hearts. Much like Elizabeth Masterson in Just Like Heaven, Pisces have the tendency to make the rest of us believe in the impossible. In Elizabeth’s case, it’s making living men fall in love with ghosts, but you get the idea.
Images: Giphy (12)
In honor of the glory that was Big Little Lies, we need to just take a moment to appreciate the queen that is Reese Witherspoon. You may be asking, like, wait, is Reese even a betch? She seems kind of nice girl-ish to me. But while Reese may be super nice, she’s no basic nice girl. She gave us Legally Blonde so she’s grandfathered—er grandmothered?—in to the group. Kind of like how Rachel McAdams seems like she is mostly a narc in real life but she played Regina George so she is automatically betchy forever. It’s like, a betchiness lifetime acheivement award or something. Reese’s contributions to the genre just cannot be ignored. So, in honor of all of the acheivements Reese has made to amplify the voices of betches everywhere (not that we really need it but whatever) we’ve conveniently ranked her best work.
What, like it’s hard?
10. ‘Hot Pursuit’
You probably forgot that this movie even exists or just had it really confused with another female buddy-cop movie like The Heat or that one with Melissa McCarthy and the guy from Arrested Development. But this is an actual movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Sophia Vergara and it came out in 2015. Let’s just say, the reviews were not great. It scored a whopping 7 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Not your best work, girl.
Tobey Maguire plays Reese’s weird brother who is obsessed with a TV show from the 50s, so much so that he gets them both trapped in the black-and-white world of the show. Tobey’s character was definitely one of those Make America Great Again types who, when actually sent back in time, realized that despite being straight white male, the 1950s fucking sucked. Maybe we can do this for the Trump supporters?? Somebody get to work on this. Anyway, Reese played Tobey’s slutty sister who fucked shit up by opening these 1950s dudes’ eyes to the wonders of sex. But then in some Freaky Friday-esque twist, Tobey ends up realizing modern times are better and Reese realizes she’d rather be stuck in the 50s. Pleasantville was an enjoyable movie and I’ve seen it like six times with my family, so it’s not Reese’s worst movie, but her character actually does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nice girl which I do not appreciate in any way. Ninth place.
Reese stars as the iconic Tracey Flick who, though she was a dork, was kind of a ruthless betch who stopped at nothing to achieve her goal of becoming student body president. It’s basically 90s movie gold. That hot-ish guy from the American Pie movies is in it too. Anyway, Tracey is so driven and empowered that she drives one of her teachers literally insane, a sentence that could also describe my high school experience. Reese might be annoying AF in this movie, but in true betch fashion, she gets her way in the end. Still, I don’t think anybody saw this movie, and I had to Google it to make sure this wasn’t the one where Will Ferrell and Zack Galifinakis are running for political office against each other, which says a lot about the lasting power of the film IMO.
Sure, Wild is a movie about hiking, which I mean, gross, but anyway, it’s still watchable. And it was maybe nominated for an Oscar, unless I’m just making that up? Based on Cheryl Strayed’s book of the same name, we follow Reese on the mission of an independent-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man hiking the Pacific Coast Trail. And now I’m getting Eat, Pray Love PTSD flashbacks, ugh. Where this movie beats out Julia Roberts’ self-indulgent pasta-fest, though, is that Reese’s character swears a lot and ends up throwing a pair of ugly boots off a cliff. I mean, if I was forced to hike for more than three minutes I would do the exact same thing. Don’t put me down for hiking, I’d legit rather be eaten by a bear.
6. ‘This Means War’
Was this her best work? Of course not, but I had to include it on the list because what isn’t betchy about two really fucking hot CIA agents fighting over you? Especially if one of those dudes is Chris Pine. I mean, really. Also, Chelsea Handler played her best friend in this movie. Every betch should have Chelsea Handler as a best friend. Not a great film, but something you could definitely watch on a hungover Sunday morning, meaning it passes the Betchdel test.
5. ‘American Psycho’
Did you forget Reese is in this movie? Yeah, probs. DW about it, Reese probably forgot she was in this movie, too. She has a minor role as one of Patrick Bateman’s posh Manhattanite girlfriends, which we obviously connect with on a personal level. Spoiler alert, she doesn’t get murdered in the movie—another plus. In fact, I think she might be in maybe two scenes. Nonetheless, American Psycho has had kind of a resurgence lately—possibly because of Scott Disick’s physical and mental resemblance to Patrick Bateman, or the fact that the title can also serve as a two-word biography of our current president—so this seems like a good time to mention that Reese was not only in it, but seemed like a pretty decent match for Christian Bale in that role.
4. ‘Walk The Line’
The role of June Carter earned Reese an Oscar. That’s right, her portrayal of Elle Woods wasn’t the role that won her the hardware. Shame. Anyway, props to her for winning an award and getting to hang out with Joaquin Phoenix before he got all weird. Even as a brunette, we can still get behind her being the apple of a fake Johnny Cash’s eye. Like, also, of course she can sing. Because Reese Witherspoon is basically perfect, and why would you think otherwise?
3. ‘Cruel Intentions’
This was probably one of the first rated R movies you wanted to see. Sure, you could watch an edited version on TV, but it really leaves out some of the good stuff, including the insane amount of swearing these supposed high schoolers do. If you didn’t think Ryan Phillipe was hot as shit in this movie, who even are you? He was the king of fuckboys, but still hot. Aparently Reese thought he was alright too because they ended up getting married. Also, that kiss between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair was iconic. So yeah, even though Reese is kind of the designated “nice girl” of this movie, Reese had to selflessly assume that role so that all of SMG’s betchiness could be truly appreciated. It’s like how only once you know darkness can you truly appreciate the light, or some shit.
2. ‘Sweet Home Alabama’
Once again, Reese finds herself in a love triangle between two really hot dudes, one of which is McDreamy himself. I recently watched this movie because it was on, and let me just tell you, the plot holes are pretty glaring—but, for some reason, it’s still good. Reese plays an up-and-coming fashion designer in New York City (because that’s an easy enough job to get) who gets engaged and is forced to go back to her hometown in Alabama to finalize a divorce with her high school BF and explain to her family why she hasn’t been answering any of their calls for a decade. But, plot twist, her family still loves her and her ex husband has become both hot and wealthy. Then Reese is faced with the classic dilemma: Can a woman be hot, rich, and southern all at once? (SPOILER ALERT: she can).
1. ‘Legally Blonde’
This is in the betch cannon of classic films so is it even any fucking surprise that this is Reese’s best work? Let’s pretend like all of those shitty sequels didn’t exist so we can just focus on the real story of Bruiser and Elle Woods. In case you forgot, they’re both gemini vegetarians and probably the two betchiest to ever attend Harvard. Who among us hasn’t been motivated to do something crazy after a breakup? Given, going to law school isn’t necessarily as self-destructive as chopping all your hair off, but still. This movie is responsible for so many amazing lines that can be quoted in almost all curcumstances that it’s difficult to even pick just one, and there is no way Elle wasn’t directly responsible for Harvard being flooded with scented resume and poolside video applications. Like I said, it’s hard to nail down just one moment from this movie to leave you with. The bend and snap? The
playboy bunny Gloria Steinem costume? The moment when she saves Paulette’s dog using legal jargon? No. Instead i’ll leave you with one of the film’s most iconic lines, which will be used as an example of rock solid logic for years to come:
Read: A Definitive Ranking Of The ‘Big Little Lies’ Charactershttp://www.betches.com/big-little-lies-characters-ranked