Leave Platform Flip-Flops In The Early 2000s Where They Belong

I’m obsessed with early 2000s fashion. I basically single-handedly lead the revolution to revive the Juicy Couture tracksuit. (To be fair, that’s an exaggeration. Kylie Jenner and Bloomingdales really helped.) I Google roll-on body glitter on a weekly basis just in case some beauty company has decided to bring back the sacred product Icing used to carry. I type half of my teXtt MeSSaGes to mY gRoUp cHatt like AiM aWaY MeSSaGes~. I’m seriously considering getting a pair of purple-lensed sunglasses with a rhinestone butterfly on them, and I don’t even like butterflies. You get the point. I and my style have not left the early 2000s.

However, even though I’m totally obsessed, I understand that there are serious boundaries in the world of the early aughts. I’m not about to wear my thong out the top of my pants. It’s just not appropriate for my current life, even if Manny Santos roamed the hallways of Degrassi like that. There’s one particular early 2000s trend that I’m prepared to take a serious stand against, and that’s platform flip-flops.

Urban Outfitters just released a pair of $40 Rocket Dog platform flip-flops. I will give them some credit for the fact that they stuck to an OG platform flip-flop brand rather than creating their own junky pair, but I still just can’t get behind these.

Urban Outfitters Rocket Dog Platform Flip Flop

First of all, think of the logistics of wearing these things. I’ll put it in 2001 terms for you. Remember how bad it felt to take a flip-flop platform to the ankle if you ever took a weird step? It’s basically the equivalent of taking a razor scooter to the heel. This kind of unpredictability with a platform is just plain irresponsible. (Moment of silence for the fact that I just said not to do something because it’s irresponsible. LOL.)

Thinking

Secondly, these aren’t even a revival. I’m pretty sure there are still people wearing these in the corners of America where it will look like it’s 2006 for the next 30 years. Did Old Navy or Coach ever stop making tacky platform flip-flops? Probably not.

Additionally, everyone’s feet look stupid in these. You’re always going to look like your toes are clinging on for dear life, because they basically are. Honestly, give me an outfit that you think these would look good with. You can’t.

I get that athleisure, aka dressing like we don’t give a shit about our appearance, is in right now, but flip-flops are a step below even that. Even the most boujee flip-flops look like they could have been purchased on a last-minute whim at a nail salon. Plus, they make annoying noises no matter how you walk in them. Either you drag your feet or have an aggressive flopping noise, and both of those are sounds that really pierce my skull when I’m hungover (which is often).

However, I don’t want this to come across a rant against all platforms, because I’m still totally obsessed with anything with platform that is not a flip-flop. I think we should all just dress like the Spice Girls all of the time.

Spice Girls

Read: 7 Trendy Summer Flip-Flops That Aren’t Lame