What does a betch love more than her iPhone or a bottle glass of wine? Pizza. For centuries, drunk betches have scarfed down thousands of slices around the world. Pizza is the solution to just about every issue: broke? Get a 99-cent slice. Breakup? Eat your way through a whole box. Kavanaugh? Inhale an entire pizza place. Lacking on your Instagram game? Museum of Pizza.
That’s right. If you thought The Ice Cream Museum was the most extra thing to hit the ‘Gram, get ready for two weeks of pizza-filled posts. The Nameless Network, an entertainment company, has created The Museum of Pizza, opening in Williamsburg from October 13-28. This Instagram thirst trap museum is full of pizza themed art and immersive pizza rooms. From the “pizza vortex” to the “cheesy cave,” you can bask in the glories of what heaven looks like while getting some fire Instas. The captions will be endless.
#MoPi (the succinct but somewhat unfortunate nickname for the museum) also recently released a promo video that’s legit soft-core pizza porn. And it’s kind of amazing. People seductively eat pizza in next to no clothing, moaning and have tomato sauce dumped on their heads. It’s basically what everyone thinks they look like eating pizza, but obvs, they don’t.
The Museum of Pizza website writes, “Pizza does not judge; it is always for the people, by the people—and that’s why we love it.” Pizza doesn’t care if you fall asleep with it smeared against your face when you’re blacked out. It also doesn’t care when you throw it up the next morning. Pizza is America, and it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty or any pizza boxes I’ve ever seen.
In case you’re wondering, there is some real art being displayed. Works like Andrew W.K.’s “Pizza Guitar” and Hein Koh’s “Mystic Pizza” can be found in the museum as well. But don’t pretend you’re going for the art, we know you just want the selfies in the “pizza beach” room. That’s like going to The Museum of Sex and saying you’re there to learn about the history of coitus. No b*tch, we know you just want to jump into the boob castle. This is pizza, so please, don’t get all high and mighty and ruin it for all of us. Xo.
The Museum of Pizza also donates a portion of the tickets to provide meals for a family in need, so you’re basically a philanthropist if you go to this. It like, totally counteracts your 400 selfies (that you’ll one hundred percent hate all of because Becky can’t get the f*cking lighting right). So bring your best photographers friends to experience another food-themed Instagram paradise.
Check out the Museum of Pizza website for tickets and more info.
Images: Hein Koh, Sarah Bahbah / Museum of Pizza; Giphy
If you know anyone who’s gotten married (so like, everyone reading this rn) you’ve probably bought some stupid shit the couple registered for as a gift. I mean, I love a gorgeous china pattern and some Baccarat crystal as much as the next betch, but like, I eat takeout five nights a week and when I don’t I’m eating cereal out of a Solo cup. It’s not like the day you get married you turn into Martha Stewart and start baking muffins and hosting dinner parties for the governor and shit. No one needs this stuff. And per usual, the gods at Domino’s just get it, so they’ve created a registry that gives married people something they’ll actually enjoy: a pizza registry.
The registry is filled with a handful of different pizza-filled occasions like the “Thank-You-Card-a-thon” so writing hundreds of thank you notes to your parents’ friends isn’t as miserable, or a “Post-Honeymoon Adjustment to Real Life” because the only thing that can make coming home from a trip to Bora Bora or Europe not so terrible is cheesy, delicious pizza.
The only thing that’s kinda lame is that it’s really not a registry at all, just a glorified gift card that can be used on the Domino’s website. Fuck you, Domino’s and your marketing team. You just created a separate landing page for a concept that has existed for YEARS. Like, I would disown someone who got me a Domino’s giftcard for my birthday, but I’m expected to ask for that for my fucking wedding, the only occasion where I can ask my closest family and friends to buy me expensive shit I can’t afford without it being considered panhandling? Hard pass.
However, if some entrepreneur decided to take it upon himor herself to come up with a registry for any of the following items, let’s just say I wouldn’t be mad.
1. Vodka Of The Month
This very well might exist, but honestly, I’m lazy and don’t want to type it into Google. Regardless, any relative who gave me a monthly vodka subscription would be at the top of my thank you note list. Marriage is apparently work, so I’m going to need a lot of fermented potatoes to make it through.
2. A Drug Dealer Concierge
See previous note about marriage being work. Why do “work” when I can register for enough Xanax to kill a large mammal to be delivered to me at some later, unspecified date?
3. A One-Way Ticket To Canada And A Valid Visa
Just saying, I might need this later on with the way things have been going lately.
4. A Lifetime Netflix Subscription
Anybody who puts a $50 Domino’s giftcard on my fucking wedding registry is a cheap asshole. But someone who charges my lifetime supply of Netflix to their tab? That shit’s going to add up real quick. Though, given my current alcohol consumption and exercise regimen, my doctor would disagree. But fuck you, Dr. Bernstein. I don’t need your negativity.
5. HBO Go
NO IT IS NOT THE SAME AS A NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION. Do you actually know anybody with HBO? I mean somebody who’s actually your age—their parents don’t count. No? That’s what I thought. That’s because HBO is expensive af/for real adults who can afford cable packages, which is something I will never be if my current spending habits are any indication.
But I mean if someone wanted to do all these things and buy me a ton of pizza, I wouldn’t exactly complain either.