If you, like me, spent the last week
getting fucked up celebrating v important calendar dates such as the Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo then, first of all, I applaud you. Second of all, please tell me your skin is as fucked up as mine is rn. I’m really just amazed that my skin only sabotages me every once in a while considering all of the shit I put it through on a daily basis. See, I like to do this thing where I “treat myself” sevenish days of the week—it’s sort of like playing Russian roulette with my skin but instead of bullets it’s massive amounts of alcohol and pizza. I know, I’m a peach. ANYWAY, I am sure I’m not alone out there so because I’m feeling charitable and also because I’m already counting down the minutes until it’s 5pm and socially acceptable to open wine, here’s a list of the best alcohol and face mask pairings to get you started on your happy hour skin care journey.
1. Champagne + Bubbles Mask
Get it? I’m pairing bubbles with bubbles? Okay, not super original SO SUE ME. But this will look v cute on Instagram and isn’t that really all we’re striving for here? Try E.L.F’s Hydrating Bubble Mask for a frothy face mask that’s more fun than a Snapchat filter and it also nourishes the fuck out of your skin.
2. Cosmopolitan + Detox Mask
This is for all my city girls out there who have to deal with garbage humans who literally shit on public transportation (seriously, I saw this happen once). A detox mask is the perfect way to refresh your skin after a long week of dealing with psychopaths on the subway, and we suggest using Caudalie Instant Detox Mask in particular. The natural clay ingredients give your skin a deep cleanse while also leaving your face smooth and your complexion even. And before you start talking shit, I know no one drinks Cosmopolitans anymore because it’s not the year 2000, but I’m suggesting this pairing anyways because it seems v sad to make yourself a vodka cran to Netflix and chill… alone. Just saying.
3. Boxed Wine + Peel Off Mask
I’m not sure who still drinks wine out of a box, but I’m assuming it’s the same person who buys their face masks from the sales section at Walmart. I assume. Masque Bar Luminizing Charcoal Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Both this mask and boxed wine are cheap AF but still v effective and will get the job done during desperate, desperate times.
4. Bordeaux + Clay Mask
Bordeaux were legit made for drinking in a clay mask. They’re full-bodied and earthy just like the shit you’re putting on your face rn. This is the kind of shit someone like, say, Hannah Baker would sip and savor and then plan out how to be extra AF from beyond the grave (I assume). Pair a clay mask, like Aveda Deep Cleansing Herbal Clay Masque, with any bordeaux. Any betch with combination skin will feel blessed AF using this mask because it draws out impurities from the skin while also absorbing any excess oil. FML forever it is not.
5. Wine Cooler + Anti Aging Mask
It seemed fitting to pair something that’s supposed to reclaim your youth with a drink that no one above the age of 19 drinks. Drunk Elephant’s T.L.C. Sukari Baby Facial is perfect for any skin type and its main goal is to “minimize the look of fine lines and wrinkles, refine pores, and boost overall clarity and radiance.” And a bonus is that you can now enjoy the wine cooler in the privacy of your own home instead of the local Wawa parking lot. Blessings.
6. Pinot Grigio + Hydrating Mask
Pinot Grigio is basically like water, which is not a fact but just my personal opinion—it’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. Hydrating masks, like Glossier’s Moisturizing Moon Mask, go perfectly with Pinot Grigio. Made of almond oil, hyaluronic acid, licorice root, lemon fruit, honey, and aloe—it’s divine served chilled (both the wine and the mask) and will refresh the fuck out of your face. But, like, I’ve also heard white wine will give you a skin disease so there’s really conflicting information over here. Like can we get someone on this please? GOP, can we stop trying to ruin the health care system and instead focus on the more important issues at hand, like, is my Pinot Grigio safe?? K, thx.
7. Tequila Shots + The Trend Mask
I never advise taking tequila shots because no matter how many articles I read about tequila making your bones healthy or adding years to your life I’m convinced it’s all just fake news. There’s no way that tequila, the same alcohol that
my sorority sisters people do body shots with and convinced me to get my belly button pierced at 20 years old on spring break, is actually good for you. That being said, you’re going to need all the shots when you try out any sort of trend mask that’s being pimped out hyped hard by teenagers on Instagram. Especially the Hanacure gel mask because this is the face that will look back at you in the mirror and it is terrifying:
^^actual footage of me looking at my reflection rn
But South Koreans did come up with this product so you know it’s some good shit. It pulls tightly on your skin, totally warping your face until you look old as hell, but when you take off the mask it leaves your skin looking 10 years younger by reducing wrinkles and your pore size.