If you, like me, spent the last week
getting fucked up celebrating v important calendar dates such as the Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo then, first of all, I applaud you. Second of all, please tell me your skin is as fucked up as mine is rn. I’m really just amazed that my skin only sabotages me every once in a while considering all of the shit I put it through on a daily basis. See, I like to do this thing where I “treat myself” sevenish days of the week—it’s sort of like playing Russian roulette with my skin but instead of bullets it’s massive amounts of alcohol and pizza. I know, I’m a peach. ANYWAY, I am sure I’m not alone out there so because I’m feeling charitable and also because I’m already counting down the minutes until it’s 5pm and socially acceptable to open wine, here’s a list of the best alcohol and face mask pairings to get you started on your happy hour skin care journey.
1. Champagne + Bubbles Mask
Get it? I’m pairing bubbles with bubbles? Okay, not super original SO SUE ME. But this will look v cute on Instagram and isn’t that really all we’re striving for here? Try E.L.F’s Hydrating Bubble Mask for a frothy face mask that’s more fun than a Snapchat filter and it also nourishes the fuck out of your skin.
2. Cosmopolitan + Detox Mask
This is for all my city girls out there who have to deal with garbage humans who literally shit on public transportation (seriously, I saw this happen once). A detox mask is the perfect way to refresh your skin after a long week of dealing with psychopaths on the subway, and we suggest using Caudalie Instant Detox Mask in particular. The natural clay ingredients give your skin a deep cleanse while also leaving your face smooth and your complexion even. And before you start talking shit, I know no one drinks Cosmopolitans anymore because it’s not the year 2000, but I’m suggesting this pairing anyways because it seems v sad to make yourself a vodka cran to Netflix and chill… alone. Just saying.
3. Boxed Wine + Peel Off Mask
I’m not sure who still drinks wine out of a box, but I’m assuming it’s the same person who buys their face masks from the sales section at Walmart. I assume. Masque Bar Luminizing Charcoal Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Both this mask and boxed wine are cheap AF but still v effective and will get the job done during desperate, desperate times.
4. Bordeaux + Clay Mask
Bordeaux were legit made for drinking in a clay mask. They’re full-bodied and earthy just like the shit you’re putting on your face rn. This is the kind of shit someone like, say, Hannah Baker would sip and savor and then plan out how to be extra AF from beyond the grave (I assume). Pair a clay mask, like Aveda Deep Cleansing Herbal Clay Masque, with any bordeaux. Any betch with combination skin will feel blessed AF using this mask because it draws out impurities from the skin while also absorbing any excess oil. FML forever it is not.
5. Wine Cooler + Anti Aging Mask
It seemed fitting to pair something that’s supposed to reclaim your youth with a drink that no one above the age of 19 drinks. Drunk Elephant’s T.L.C. Sukari Baby Facial is perfect for any skin type and its main goal is to “minimize the look of fine lines and wrinkles, refine pores, and boost overall clarity and radiance.” And a bonus is that you can now enjoy the wine cooler in the privacy of your own home instead of the local Wawa parking lot. Blessings.
6. Pinot Grigio + Hydrating Mask
Pinot Grigio is basically like water, which is not a fact but just my personal opinion—it’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. Hydrating masks, like Glossier’s Moisturizing Moon Mask, go perfectly with Pinot Grigio. Made of almond oil, hyaluronic acid, licorice root, lemon fruit, honey, and aloe—it’s divine served chilled (both the wine and the mask) and will refresh the fuck out of your face. But, like, I’ve also heard white wine will give you a skin disease so there’s really conflicting information over here. Like can we get someone on this please? GOP, can we stop trying to ruin the health care system and instead focus on the more important issues at hand, like, is my Pinot Grigio safe?? K, thx.
7. Tequila Shots + The Trend Mask
I never advise taking tequila shots because no matter how many articles I read about tequila making your bones healthy or adding years to your life I’m convinced it’s all just fake news. There’s no way that tequila, the same alcohol that
my sorority sisters people do body shots with and convinced me to get my belly button pierced at 20 years old on spring break, is actually good for you. That being said, you’re going to need all the shots when you try out any sort of trend mask that’s being pimped out hyped hard by teenagers on Instagram. Especially the Hanacure gel mask because this is the face that will look back at you in the mirror and it is terrifying:
^^actual footage of me looking at my reflection rn
But South Koreans did come up with this product so you know it’s some good shit. It pulls tightly on your skin, totally warping your face until you look old as hell, but when you take off the mask it leaves your skin looking 10 years younger by reducing wrinkles and your pore size.
The age-old question of what cheese to pair with our wine rears its head just about every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evening. With The Bachelor finale coming up—THANK GOD—we need to prepare ourselves for the cheese and wine fest about to ensue. But like, let’s be classy.
Here are our fav ten cheese and wine pairings that you need to know or else risk looking like a plebian.
1. Zinfandel And Jalapeño Cheddar
Find a spicy cheddar in the poor cheese aisle and grab a Zinfandel. The dry red wine works super well with spicy shit since the wine itself is fruity and kinda spicy thanks to hints of black pepper. Shit, go crazy and grab some of the pre-sliced habanero cheese if you’re feeling wild.
2. Port And Blue Cheese
If you’re an 80-year-old man, you love Port! So, grab one of those old bottles you have lying around the house and pair it with the cheese that smells most like old people—in this case, blue cheese. The rich, sweet Port balances nicely with the bold (to say the least) flavor of blue cheeses like stilton and gorgonzola.
3. Pinot Noir And Goat Cheese
Yeah, you could be basic and throw some triple crème brie out with your Pinot Noir, but better yet, pair it with a goat cheese like chèvre. The creamy factor works to bring out the flavor of the wine, and you’ll feel fancy nomming on this combo.
4. Pinot Grigio And Feta
Did you make a Greek salad and buy too much feta? Never fear—pair that shit with some Pinot Grigio and treat yo’self. The fruit background in the wine works with the salty yet mild taste of the feta. Look at you, bein’ culinary.
5. Merlot And Monterey Jack
Are you too poor to buy cheese from the nice section of the store? That’s okay. Grab a box of the finest Merlot and pair it with your favorite poor people cheese, monterey jack. Because the cheese is on the less-intense-flavor side (see: bland), it pairs well with an easy drinking Merlot. Now you too, can enjoy a fine wine and cheese night, regardless of how in debt you are!
6. Malbec And Aged Cheddar
So, as opposed to the shitty cheddar you can buy in block form near the tubs of cream cheese and sugar-yogurt, head to the fancy cheese section and pick up an aged English or farmhouse cheddar to nom with your Malbec. The smooooooooth
jazz sounds flavor of the wine cuts through that super hostile aggressive attitude put forth by the cheddar. We can relate.
7. Prosecco And Parmesan
If you’re craving bubbles but are too poor for Champagne, grab some Prosecco and pair it with a rind (or a bowl of shredded) parmesan. The bubbly happiness cuts some of the supernsalty taste of the parmesan, so you’ll be able to eat and drink without feeling like your mouth is a salty desert. Unlike your DM’s.
8. Chardonnay And Mild Cheddar
If you’re a middle-aged soccer mom, you have at least six bottles of Chardonnay in the house at any given time. Pair it with the mild cheddar you use in your kids’ sandwiches, because you didn’t get a chance to go to the store for fancy shit this week. It’s okay, you can still have “me time” with these meager (but delicious) rations.
9. Cabernet Sauvignon And Aged Gouda
According to VinePair, this pair works because the gouda is super, extra nutty and the Cab Sav is a pretty bold, full-bodied wine. Now, given, you could also use this salty, nutty cheese with a sweet wine—but since we aren’t in fucking high school, let’s try to drink like adults.
10. Reisling And Mozzarella
If you dig on sweet wines like Reisling, Gewürztraminer, Moscato, and Chenin Blanc, grab a fresh, soft cheese like ricotta, mozzarella, or burrata. According to Serious Eats, the sweet and soft combo works because, like, why wouldn’t it? You don’t have some big bold wine showing up your delicate mozzarella—and you wouldn’t make that fucking rookie mistake anyway. Plus, tannins will fuck your flavors up, so stay away if you’re looking to sit, alone, with a tub of ricotta and a bottle of Moscato. Cute.
There are holidays that every betch regularly celebrates: New Year’s Eve, Skanksgiving, any religious holiday we can use to get out of work, etc. These holidays ensure a chance to drink to the point of near liver failure, or serve merely as an excuse to Day Drink. TBH these days, a new episode of The Bachelor is one hundo p a reason to celebrate with a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. But if you want don’t want to be labeled as an alcoholic by your friends/family/therapist there are actually days to drink with less shame. They may be completely arbitrary and fake holidays, however, that you need to add to your calendar like, yesterday, because they all involve wine. And anything that involves wine is a great fucking reason to celebrate. Jot down the dates of these official wine holidays, and stock up on your wine in preparation.
We would also just like to point out that just because many of these holidays celebrate a specific wine doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to follow it to a T. Like, if you don’t want to drink red wine on National Red Wine Day because it falls on August 28th and what kind of monster drinks red wine in the summer, we’re not going to judge you. So long as you celebrate with some type of fermented grape, you’re doing the right thing.
February 18: National Drink Wine Day
We just missed this one (sad!), but mark it for next year. Any holiday that’s dedicated to drinking wine specifically—as opposed to swirling it around in your glass and pretending to know shit about it, I guess—is an automatic yes in our books. Is “National Drink Wine Day” basically just every Monday night for me? Maybe, but who asked you, mom?
April 24: Sauvignon Blanc Day
Good for all of you Kim Crawford lovers out there. Sauvignon Blanc Day was created in 2010 specifically to encourage consumption of this delicious white wine. So, drink up.
May 9: World Moscato Day
This holiday is even newer, with its humble beginnings originating in 2012. This holiday was actually founded by a winery (Gallo Family Vineyards) and its moscato production has risen 2 percent since. So yeah, another great holiday (and marketing ploy). But we’re not mad. Maybe call out of work the next day so you can tend to your inevitable sugar hangover.
May 25: National Wine Day
If you don’t know what a holiday called “National Wine Day” entails, you definitely can’t fucking sit with us.
May 26: National Chardonnay Day
A personal favorite, this floating holiday is designed for you to celebrate it in tandem with Memorial Day. So break out the Kendall Jackson and get ready to spend a weekend drowning in wine. For the troops—or whatever Memorial Day celebrates.
June 11 (and/or/and August 14th): National Rosé Wine Day
Rosé all fucking day. A wine so special, it deserves two dates for optimal celebration.
Will You Accept This Rosé? Buy our rosé tank here!
July 25: National Wine and Cheese Day
Wine and cheese: the greatest food pairing in the history of time (it’s a scientific fact). Naturally, this is a great excuse to eat all of the cheese and chase it with all of the wine. Just don’t do it in that fucking gross cheese-y wine shooter. Buy some brie like a goddamn adult.
August 4: National White Wine Day
Moscato, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc. The more, the merrier to celebrate.
August 28: National Red Wine Day
We really don’t discriminate against any varietal of wine, even if it’s not exactly seasonally appropriate.
November 4: National Wine Tasting Day
How does this differ from National Drink Wine Day? I really have no clue, but then again, why am I complaining? Carry on, nothing to see here.
November 7: International Merlot Day
This one is going global. Around the world, raise your glass to all of our alcoholic soul sisters. Then, pour one out for them because apparently America is the only country that gets not one, but 13 ways to celebrate our favorite drink.
December 31: Champagne Day
Definitely not a coincidence this falls on New Years Eve. Now we just have to get national boozy brunch day to become a thing…