On Tuesday night, after months of subjecting viewers to his fetish for barely-legal feuding beauty queens and a gaping head wound that got more infected by the minute, America’s least favorite pilot, Peter Weber, picked his winner. Well, more accurately, he proposed to Hannah Ann, she said yes, and then he proceeded to dump her on national TV on the same unfortunate day she ran out of shampoo. It was as brutal as it sounds. Then he tried to win Madison back on After The Final Rose, and they both admitted they still have feelings for one another, and are going to take it one day at a time. Wow, just when I thought things couldn’t get more romantic than a Revolve fashion show! As of right now, it looks like Peter and Madison might get back together, but I don’t think that they should. In fact, I think that Peter deserves to end up alone. You may think that’s harsh, but you should really hear what I say about myself. This is me being kind to Peter! But don’t just take my word for it, let’s look at my reasoning.
First, the way Peter treated Hannah Ann was atrocious. He didn’t tell her that she was the only one left until halfway through HIS PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE WHEN HE SPOKE MADISON’S NAME, and made it seem like he actually wanted to marry Hannah Ann, rather than the truth, which was that he was just too ashamed to salsa his way back to his parents’ basement alone. Then, while they were engaged, he told Hannah Ann he needed to contact Hannah B for “closure.” If by closure you mean a hand job while she cries on your lap, then sure, I believe you need closure, Peter. Peter also couldn’t stop being conflicted about his lingering feelings for a certain sparkling apple juice drinker back in Alabama, while engaged to Sonic’s BEST roller skating model! Do these sound like the actions of a man who deserves a happy ending to you? Or does this sound like a man that I should give up my $200/hour therapy session to? It’s all yours, Peter! One time offer!
Peter, a grown-ass man, also spent the season being coddled by another grown-ass man, Chris Harrison. After Peter dumped Hannah Ann, the showrunners forced Chris to earn his paycheck Chris took it upon himself to approach Madison about a second chance, and you can tell by his reverent tone that Chris takes his job as a wingman to a 28-year-old walking erection much more seriously than he takes his job as a mediocre TV host. He tells Madison that in Peter’s dreams he’s with her, and it’s like, well Chris, in my dreams I’m riding a hippogriff off into the sunset with Draco Malfoy, but that doesn’t mean it should happen! It’s because of Chris that Madison agrees to see Peter, and not because Peter is so desperate to see her!
It did give us this moment though, so I guess I can forgive Chris just this once:
So Chris is the one that set up Peter and Madison’s reunion, and if it wasn’t for him, would Peter be sitting on that stage alone? It’s not like he took the initiative to get her back! In fact, I’m not even sure that they want to be together—neither has posted about the other on social media yet. And if they can’t even be bothered to post a picture on Instagram nuzzling each other’s shoulders and captioning it “So lucky to be in love with my best friend!” IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?!
And finally, even Peter’s mother thinks he should end up alone at this point, and who am I to argue with Barb, whom I have no doubt would unleash the wrath of 1000 rabid bats on me if I dare disagree? I know a lot of you HATED Barb based on how much you came for her in the comments on Ryanne’s recap, but I think she was right about Madison. The minute she mentioned that Madi made them wait three hours to meet her I said to myself aloud in my empty apartment, “f*ck you and the eyelashes you rode in on, basketball girl” because there is nothing I hate more than waiting. I even downloaded the Disney fastpass app in the off chance I ever go there again. I also appreciate that Barb has no shame sh*tting on her own son on national television for his bad behavior. She is a gem, worth more than ten of Neil Lane’s gaudy mall diamonds, and we were blessed to have her even if it was for a little while. So, if even the woman who sacrificed her body to give birth to his indecisive ass thinks that he’s making the wrong decision, perhaps it’s time for him to take a break from dating.
I know this is a hard opinion to hear, but it’s not like I’m saying Peter should DIE alone or anything (my editor wouldn’t let me), but I do think it would be prudent for our Bachelor to take some time alone and figure out what he’s looking for. Either that or just marry a f*cking plane already, you know that’s what he really wants.
Images: Hannahann/Instagram; Giphy (2)
I know you all think the devil works hard and Kris Jenner works harder, but I can now definitively say that Reality Steve works the hardest. Because this man has just spoiled what Chris Harrison has described as the unspoil-able Bachelor season. *Slow clap for Reality Steve*. That’s right, this week the Godfather of reality TV spoilers finally got the confirmation he needed to reveal which Kappa Kappa Gamma social chair our precious Pachi is going to choose! See, 2020 isn’t so bad, after all!
Now, I don’t think it really needs to be said again because I’ve used the word spoiler an absurd amount of times so far, but to those of you not really paying attention because you’re recovering from the seven vodka sodas you drank last night when you went out for “just one drink,” the rest of this article WILL TELL YOU how The Bachelor ends. So if you don’t want to know, get the f*ck out. I don’t need any death threats in the comments, I already get enough of those from my family group chat. We’re not like Madison’s family, we don’t pass a plate around to compliment each other, we pass it around to smash on each other’s heads. So, with that, let’s take a look at how this all ends for our Bachelor.
Somewhere in the world right now, Peter is tormenting Madison with yet another salsa dance while he makes her beans and rice from a can and calls it “moro,” correcting her pronunciation each time. Here’s how it goes down: Madison leaves the show before the final rose ceremony. Peter then cancels that rose ceremony and doesn’t pick anyone. He goes home, pursues Madi, and eventually she gets over the fact that his dick was recently inside the girl featured prominently on her laundry detergent, and takes him back. They are currently dating but not engaged. Why do I get the feeling that since they’re not on The Bachelor anymore, those airplane hangar dinners have turned into dates at the Auntie Anne’s in Newark Airport’s Terminal A? I’m right, right?
Reality Steve also thinks that Peter is going to propose to Madi on After the Final Rose, which is how Chris Harrison is getting away with saying “Even Peter doesn’t know how it ends!” Which makes sense, because if Peter doesn’t know who he’s with right now I think that golf cart injury caused a much larger problem than just a gaping head wound that not even TV makeup could keep from looking like a vagina on his forehead.
chris harrison: not even peter knows how this season ends…
me: #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/Kua8bodZju
— riley!! (@frenchfryley) March 3, 2020
Now, there was a bit of excitement after Reality Steve posted his final spoiler because apparently what happens in this finale is more heavily guarded than a cruise ship filled with coronavirus. In the aftermath of his spoiler, he tweeted this:
Just gonna put this out there. Since my post this morning, I’ve been on my phone non stop. Plenty of things being said. The whole thing is a mess. Being told so many different things now. Original sources sticking by what they said. New sources saying that’s not it. It’s madness!
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) March 5, 2020
So, what does that mean, Steve?!?! I’ve got a deadline and I can only pretend to be looking for GIFs for my real job for so long before my boss starts to catch on. Nothing I work on in corporate America requires a short video of Kristen Wiig miming a blow job! So I’m going to give you a very professional line I obviously learned from People magazine: as of press time (lol), Reality Steve has not changed his spoiler so we’re going with it. Madison is the winner. Sorry, I mean Madison is the lucky recent college graduate who gets to spend the rest of her life with the black stain on Delta’s reputation.
Unfortunately, this means that the theories I wrote about earlier this season have been proven false. Shall we revisit a few of them for a little fun?
No One Is Pregnant
This theory was recently revived by the fact that Kelley wasn’t at the Women Tell All taping. Kelley stans claim that’s because she got pregnant with Peter’s child during their hotel encounter in August. How romantic! But let’s not pretend like Peter isn’t one to prematurely ejaculate in a bathroom stall during their first sexual encounter, okay? Reality Steve says Kelley is not pregnant, and I’m inclined to agree. If she was, she would be seven months along right now! ABC would never be able to resist a Beyoncé-style reveal at the WTA; she would have definitely been invited. Plus, if any girl on this show was trying to get pregnant to trap our lead, don’t you think it would be someone who is, say, a “content creator”, rather than a lawyer? Exactly.
He Does Not End Up With a Producer
The producers of The Bachelor are all bound by a blood oath and a coven of 100 witches to never turn against ABC, never f*ck a lead, and to receive 35k a year as payment for ruining contestants’ lives (and then devise a segment on how bad bullying is). So this was never going to happen. My condolences to all of you poor, innocent souls that bought this one. I hope you’ll be more cynical next time.
Hannah Brown Does Not Come Back
Much to our Bachelor recapper’s dismay, Hannah Brown will not be returning to steal Peter’s heart. She thought about it, but then she saw the pus oozing out of his stitches and immediately demanded that the historic windmill in which they banged (four times!) be destroyed and found a doctor to perform the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure on her. She is now living in bliss with no memory of Peter, off to dance her ass off on tour with a more lucrative ABC show.
And there is your final Bachelor spoiler of the season! I’m looking forward to being chained to my couch for four hours next week to watch something play out exactly as I know it will! I’ll see you all there. Bring me wine!
Images: Francisco Roman / ABC; shesallbach, kelleyflanagan, 747flyr, enews/instagram; realitysteve, frenchfryley/Twitter
Welcome back, Bachelor fam, to another Monday spent at the mercy of ABC! In the five days since the last episode of The Bachelor aired, the weather reports in my area have ranged from 60 degree days to 30 degree days, from hurricane and extreme flooding warnings to snow and black ice alerts. If this is not a sign from God Herself that this show is blasphemous and the beginning of the end for all humanity, then I’m not sure what is. Luckily for you betches, a hellmouth could literally swallow me whole and, as long as I have access to the WiFi and a way to stream the latest episode, I would not consider it a red flag.
This week, Peter and his co-pilots will be in Lima, Peru, and 10 bucks says Peter is going to meet the women in a full-on poncho and sombrero get-up. He’s one with the people, you guys!!
ME: Maybe ABC won’t flaunt Peter’s loose Cuban heritage in a bid to seem more diverse and inclusive.
PETER: Yes mamí, it’s Pachi!!
Christ. Never mind.
Before any date cards can be read, Peter shows up at the hotel to beg for the women’s adoration once more. “Please take this seriously,” he says with a giant boo-boo on his head. I guess it’s getting close to Hometowns now, and he wants to remind them that he’s not just going to show up in a place like Iowa for them NOT to sleep with him in the fantasy suite, mmkay?
Madison’s One-On-One Date
Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and it’s the first bit of actual screen time she’s had since week one when she walked out of the limo. Seriously, when her name was called it took me a solid few minutes to even place her outside of a group date or a rose ceremony when she’s not surrounded by at least three other women’s hair extensions.
I love that Madison puts on those spider eyelashes for the occasion and Peter decides to leave his maxipad of a bandaid at home. It’s the little things that can keep a romance alive.
Peter says that Madi is his best friend here, and I can absolutely see that. I half expect this date to end with the two of them making friendship bracelets or looking at each other’s Pinterest boards for caption inspo for their Instagram posts of this date.
Their date is actually pretty cute, but it’s hard for me to root for them when I’ve seen absolutely zero of their romance play out on-screen. She tells Peter that she’s in this for him and she can see them together after the show and it’s like, I can barely see them together now!!
Okay, these soft kisses are making me GAG. Butterfly kisses are things I wrote about in my 7th grade diary, but have no place on a Peruvian boat date with grown-ass adults!!
As we move into the evening portion of the date, Madison reveals that she does, in fact, have some baggage to reveal before Peter makes a decision about her and Hometowns. You can tell Peter is running through all the scenarios of what it could possibly be in his mind. He’s like “maybe it’s divorce? Bullying? That she only placed third in her last pageant??”
Oh god, it’s worse. So much worse. Madison reveals to Peter that she’s actually very religious and, look, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s no place for it on a show whose very foundation is built on spitting on the sanctity of marriage. Suddenly the butterfly kisses are making so much more sense. And here I thought she was just going to tell him that she still has a hymen!
She tells him that she has a very strong relationship with the lord and so does her dad, and I would LOVE to know what her daddy thinks about Peter’s little windmill claim to fame. She mentions her faith and the lord about 12 more times and Peter’s like “yeah same, same, but I’m the kind of Christian who still likes to watch porn, you know?”
PETER: Let’s not let this little thing like THE LORD get in the way of us f*cking though, k?
Always the diplomat, Peter.
Wooooooow. Did Peter just say he was falling in love with her?! That’s kind of soon considering we only just met Madison this week! He gives Madison the rose, so I guess we’ll get to see firsthand what her god-fearing father thinks of Peter and his salsa hips. Can’t wait!
Natasha’s One-On-One Date
Hannah Ann announces that Natasha is getting the second one-on-one date of the week—at least that’s what I think she said, but honestly it’s hard to tell after she absolutely butchered reading that date card. It was less of a pronunciation and more of just a series of mumbles followed by a loud “yay!” Clearly Hannah Ann doesn’t have as great a grasp on the Spanish language as Peter does. Perhaps Pachi will give you a lesson later!
Natasha walks out to meet Peter and you can tell he literally cannot pick her out of a crowd. He’s looking left and right until a producer helpfully points in her general direction. But, sure, tell me more about their strong connection, ABC!
I love that he keeps bringing up his injury. He’s like “doesn’t it look good without the Band-Aid??” and Natasha has to hold in a dry heave while pretending to be interested in his still-oozing wound.
Don’t lie, Natasha. You’re better than that.
Peter says that he’s still unsure about Natasha, but he always has a “good time” with her. If my dog could talk, this is what she’d say about me.
I’ve been racking my brain as to why Peter would keep Natasha around for so long when there seems to be zero romantic chemistry between the two of them, and now I’m starting to think it’s maybe because he’s scared of her. The last time he forgot to show her affection, she completely commandeered his rose ceremony and made him eliminate the only girl he was excited about taking to the Fantasy Suites.
My theory is further proven when he throws on a Peruvian hat and pretends to be the lord of the dance. If you can’t find the courage to dump someone, you might as well disgust them into leaving of their own accord, amiright Peter?
Seriously, what fresh hell is this?
He’s like, “I’ve seen many sides of you” and it’s like, is that what we’re calling being cursed out at a rose ceremony these days? Natasha seems pleased by this conversation, so he continues to lay the compliments on thick. He keeps saying things like “you’re so bold and feisty,” and these are adjectives I use to describe myself on dating app profiles when I actually mean “outwardly hostile.” I’m on to you, Peter.
Things are not looking great for our girl Tash as we head into the evening portion of the date. Natasha seems to think that just because Peter is slightly frightened of her, that means that he’ll keep her around. Noticing his hesitance, she brings up the fact that she’s 31, as if this is supposed to make him recognize that she’s emotionally mature enough for marriage and not just make him physically recoil, as he’s doing at this very moment. Look, Natasha, the median age of the women left this season is “legal enough,” so I doubt that’s going to impress him, sweetie.
ME: I hope Peter treads very carefully. She’s 31 and felt like her last option for marriage involved a reality dating show. She clearly has nothing left to lose.
PETER: *dangles the rose in front of her face* Let’s be friends, K?
PETER. Why would you pick up the rose and then not hand it to her?! Peter admits that he only has platonic feelings for Natasha and, while I think it’s f*cking cruel and unusual punishment to tell her like this as he dangles a rose (and her last chance at marriage) right in front of her face, this really should have been done weeks ago.
You were a real one, Natasha. Can’t wait to see you in Paradise, girl!
Kelsey’s One-On-One Date
Moving on! Kelsey gets the last one-on-one date of the week, and she’s worried that this means she’ll be sent home like Natasha. Kelsey, honey, the man took your side in an argument over CHAMPAGNE. I think you’re good.
Peter keeps saying how much he loves exploring and going on adventures and it’s like, the last time you “explored” a stationary golf cart you split your forehead open like Humpty Dumpty. Should you really be pushing your luck with this four-wheeler? All I know is that if I have to see another lumpy flesh-colored bandage I’ll kill myself. I will.
I can tell Kelsey is really into him because she doesn’t even seem turned off by Peter’s heavy breathing as he climbs that small hill. He’s acting like he needs one of those masks that falls out of the overhead compartment, he’s so out of breath.
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I could do a slow Runyon hike date but full sprint up a Peruvian hillside? Just pre-load my luggage in the van tbh. Tune in to @siriusxm 109 tomorrow morning from 7-10AM, when the hilarious @jaredfreid will be back to talk about how Natasha is too good for Peter. #thebachelor 🌹
Honestly, I’m hoping Kelsey makes it to hometowns. I’ve been dying to know what a “professional clothier” is for weeks now. Does it mean she works at a Kohl’s, folding last season’s LC by Lauren Conrad, OR does it mean she actually does unboxing videos on IG, but only of clothes she bought herself? The suspense is killing me!!!
Peter asks Kelsey about what he can expect from Iowa if he was to go to her hometown, and she tells him broken dreams and a confrontation with her absentee father. Um, I’m pretty sure he was just wondering if there was like, a county fair or some cultural landmark he couldn’t miss, but sure that answer works too.
I will say that this is the first date where Kelsey hasn’t been edited to seem like some sort of drunken monster, and I love it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, deranged looks good on her, but it’s nice to see other facets of her personality. She actually seems like a real person, and I can understand why Peter likes her. When he gives her the rose, I’m not opposed. Carry on.
The Group Date
Instead of an official rose ceremony, we’re told that the final roses will be given out during a group date between Kelley, Victoria F, and Hannah Ann. To ease their concerns, Peter leaves them with a date card that just says: “tomorrow won’t be easy.” Lol PETER! I haven’t seen something this foreboding since Moira Rose’s The Crows Have Eyes 3 trailer.
If anyone is not worried about this date, it’s Kelley. She knows that her competition is a girl who is young enough to think liking Hilary Duff is “vintage” and Victoria F, who won’t stop crying. Yeah, I’d like those odds too.
Okay is it just me, or does it feel like every time Kelley talks about Peter she’s insulting him? I LOVE IT.
IS HE BRINGING UP THE BANDAGE THING AGAIN?! He’s like “I got the bandage off you guys!” Yes, Peter, we can tell! That lumpy piece of fabric glued to your forehead was not fooling anyone. We knew it wasn’t skin!
Peter launches into some Spanish with the locals, as if any of the women on this date are going to understand what they’re saying. Hannah Ann is over here trying to remember the bits of Spanish she learned on her IG influencer trip to Cabo last year, while Kelley looks for animal shapes in the clouds. I’m guessing “mas tequila” isn’t going to cut it on this date, Hannah Ann!
Peter pulls Hannah Ann aside first, and I feel like this is because he’s the most sure about her—or at least the most sure that he’d like to take her to the Fantasy Suites. During their last date, he voiced some concerns about their connection not being very deep. He wanted Hannah Ann to open herself up to him more emotionally. It seems she really took this advice to heart, because she came to the group date armed with a page ripped straight out of her diary.
You guys, she dots her i’s with hearts!! Is this supposed to convince him she’s ready for something as serious as holy matrimony?? I bet you 100 million dollars that the other side of that sheet says “Mrs. Weber.” Or, more appropriately, “Señora Weber.”
HANNAH ANN ON THIS DATE RN:
Kelley goes second, and I’m worried she might be drunk. She’s like, flailing around, talking about how much fun she’s had on this trip. Meanwhile, Peter is giving her the same look my dad gave me when he saw my FB photo album from my sophomore year spring break trip to Daytona Beach. He’s not mad, he’s just disappointed.
I think Peter is worried that Kelley might not be serious enough for him, and I get why he thinks that. She isn’t falling all over her feet to impress him, and she keeps using the word “fun” in the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think she’s serious about him per se, but she’s not expressing herself in the typical Bachelor-contestant way. It’s a shame, because I think this might be her downfall and I love her.
After having a mature, well-adjusted conversation with Kelley, Peter gets to witness a truly deranged meltdown from Victoria F.
PETER: *says something completely reasonable*
VICTORIA: I just feel like you’re always in a mood!!!
YOU’RE ALWAYS IN A MOOD. These are things I’ve said to my mom after she helped me with my taxes and then dares ask me do a favor for her in return. These are NOT things you say to your future husband when he asks you about your future together.
And, like, what are they even fighting about? All she ever does is mumble sh*t under her breath and cry. I’m over it.
It’s time to hand out the roses, and I’d like to say Peter would send Victoria home, but I’m not as confident as Kelley about that. She’s like, “I don’t know how Peter could send me home. Look at me, I’m an attorney” but I almost have a feeling that’s not going to work in your favor, Kel.
Okay wait. Is he sending Victoria home?! He grabbed the rose but also he’s walking her out of the house like he’s about to pass her off to security. Would Peter actually make a mature, level-headed decision about his future? Could it really be?
Oh wait, sike! He’s keeping her. Peter says that he and Victoria just have a “unique relationship” which is definitely code for “I’d still like to see her naked in the near future.” Ah, yes. It’s making all the sense in the world now.
And then there were two. It’s down to Hannah Ann and Kelley, a girl who signs her name like the 8-year-old who lives down the street from me, and an age-appropriate woman with a sparkling personality and actual career. Sadly, I already know where this is going. And what do you know! He gives Hannah Ann the final rose.
I guess Kelley shouldn’t have said the word “fun” so much. Either that, or she shouldn’t have been born in the earlier half of the 1990s.
The end of Kelley and Peter #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/ktAXM3sb1J
— Pam (@Pambino15) February 11, 2020
Okay, I am LIVING for Kelley’s exit interview in the limo. She points out that Peter might think he’s ready for marriage, but his actions speak differently. The women he’s surrounded himself with have the emotional maturity of a kindergarten class. You did it to yourself, Petey!
And that’s a wrap for this week, betches! Hometowns are next week, so start preparing yourself now for Pachi to introduce himself in Spanish to Midwesterners. Until then!
Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @pambino15 /Twitter (1); @michcoll /Instagram (1); @the_snatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornationexclusive /Instagram (1)
This season of The Bachelor has been predictable, spineless, prone to injury, with dance moves so cringeworthy I watch every episode through my fingers while simultaneously shrieking. Oh SORRY! I’m describing the Bachelor himself. This season has been the most dramatic ever, with fights over champagne imported from exotic Des Moines, Iowa, accusations of lying, and beauty queens denying they ever knew each other. And, we’re five episodes in and the women have already attempted a coup and revolted against the lead! They haven’t even been in the house long enough for their periods to sync up! But this is what you get when your contestant’s average age is lower than that of everyone on the Navarro Cheer Team. Jerry would never behave this immaturely.
So, you could say this season has been A LOT. But, according to the internet, we haven’t even heard the REAL drama yet. That’s right, there have been some crazy rumors and theories flying around about Pilot Pete’s season, each one more unhinged than the last. So, let’s take a look at these rumors and theories that people have come up with based on very little evidence and very large amounts of conjecture. My favorite!
One Of The Contestants Is Pregnant
Well well well, isn’t this a juicy one?! According to Heavy, and apparently, the Millionaire Matchmaker herself, one of Peter’s women is expecting. And so soon after she finally got her first period, too! This theory is based on the fact that in finale previews, Peter learns a piece of information that makes him feel overwhelmed, and he says “I think I’m going to pass out.” That has led some people on Twitter to claim the information that he learns is that a woman is pregnant. Wow, that’s rock solid evidence right there. Call up Olivia Benson and have her take it to the DA right now because they don’t need anything else. I’m impressed.
So rumour has it that #PeterWeber @BachelorABC got one of the contestants pregnant and that the ending of the show is a never before seen ending. Hmmm, what do you think? Do you think it’s true?
— Patti Stanger (@pattistanger) January 21, 2020
So, who do we think is pregnant, friends? We all know it’s not Kelsey because she’s on a cocktail of Pinot Grigio, Adderall, and birth control, but anyone else is fair game. Now, if only the producers had let Peter bring his personal car jam-packed with condoms to filming, we wouldn’t be in this amazing ratings opportunity situation, would we?
Peter Slept With Kelley When They Met In The Hotel Lobby
I mean, duh, I think we all figured that, right? Lobby encounters are by definition not memorable UNLESS you have an illicit hookup in a poorly cleaned gender neutral bathroom. Or, if you’re at a DoubleTree, because those hot chocolate chip cookies are BANGIN. But sure, I will give former winner Lauren B, now known as Lauren Luyendyk, credit for bringing up this theory on her YouTube channel (who knew that existed??). Lauren is, again, basing this on previews that the producers definitely did not slap together to manipulate viewers into believing certain things happened that did not happen. She says that the teasers that allude to Peter sleeping with one of the contestants are talking about Kelley, and that it happened before she even went on the show. While I think this is a bit of a stretch to guess based on previews, I do think it happened and I am VERY impressed that Lauren B managed to come up with a string of words longer than “I love that,” so I’ll go with it.
They’ve hooked up, I can see it in their eyes
Peter Had Sex On His First One-On-One
Look guys, I know you’re starting to think I’m a perv because these are all about sex, but it’s not me I swear! It’s the internet that’s the perv! So, anyway, PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET think that Peter and Madison got it on during their first one-on-one date. I think this is unlikely considering he was at a family party where his parents were renewing their vows, so doing it with a virtual stranger seems a bit gauche—but this is also a man who does not respect the sanctity of the windmill, so anything could happen!
Let’s look at the flimsy-at-best evidence for this one. According to Cheatsheet, “every time Weber gets together with Madison they talk about how special their first date was together. They seem almost too giddy about the whole thing.” Personally I think they probably talk about that first date because they don’t know each other, have spent a total of three hours together, and have literally nothing else to talk about, but sure, maybe they f*cked. I mean, it would explain why Madison has only worn replicas of that hot pink Wet Seal dress ever since. Trying to recreate the magic, perhaps?
Is this pre- or post-sex?
The Ending Hasn’t Happened Yet
Before the season aired, Peter went around bragging that his season couldn’t be spoiled. Weird flex, but okay. Reality Steve, known for being the Bachelor spoiler himself, claimed this was because the ending hadn’t actually happened yet. And Chris Harrison, managing to drag his ass off the golf course to begrudgingly fulfill his contract, says, “It’s possible it’s still not over.” Okay, Chris, like you were there long enough to know. Sure. I mean, this would be a way to keep the ending a secret, and also a way to force us poor viewers to watch four hours across multiple nights of After the Final Rose. This show does love their torture. Why can’t they just waterboard me instead?! Please?
However, Reality Steve now says that he has finally heard the ending, he just doesn’t have any evidence solid enough that he feels like he can publish it. UGH this is like when my friend drunkenly whispers in my ear “I have a secretttttttt” and then promptly passes out. It’s rude. I guess we’ll just have to wait until the finale to find out which model he picks, huh?
Peter Ends Up With Hannah Brown
I think this one is the least likely, but I had to put it in here because our resident recapper, Ryanne, has been insisting for months this is the ending, and I’d like her to have a little hope in her sad little life. This one’s for you, Ry! So, as we all know, Hannah showed up at the mansion on the first night, and then showed up at the first group date to remind us all that she f*cked Peter in a windmill (as if my nightmares have let me forget it). They were both very emotional about her return, and it seemed for a while like she might stay. So, after grasping at these straws, and of course, overanalyzing previews, people on Twitter briefly decided that Hannah B returns, and is the ultimate winner of Peter’s season. Reality Steve says that’s not gonna happen, and that she was filming Dancing with the Stars the whole time The Bachelor was filming, so it’s most likely a pipe dream. Even if Hannah B isn’t the winner, we are all winners, because we got to see perhaps the best display of mascara tears ever on television. Yeah, I said it, Lauren Conrad. Fight me.
And those are the crazy rumors going around! Personally I hope one of the girls is pregnant, and I hope that baby comes out of the womb babbling nonstop about windmills. We’ll find out soon!
Images: ABC; heartsformadi, bacheloretteabc, kelleyflanagan/Instagram, Giphy, pattistanger/Twitter
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Welcome back, Betchelor Nation, to the 24th
annual Hunger Games season of The Bachelor! It’s the start of a new decade, and the good people over at ABC decided to respond in kind by shaking things up this season with a Bachelor so diverse, so dynamic, that he’s unlike any we’ve seen befor—wait, what’s that you say? The Bachelor this year is just a moderately attractive Delta pilot who happened to live down the street from the Bachelor mansion? Christ.
On that note, I’ll be your resident recapper for the season, and if you’re wondering what makes me qualified for such an esteemed position, let’s just say I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and
tears the deterioration of my liver. If you have any issues with the recaps, you can take it up in your group chat because the comments section is strictly for praise and adoration only, it says so in my contract. Now, shall we get to recapping?
We’re told right away that the premiere episode will be three soul-sucking hours long, because I can only assume that production is trying to test the limits of our sanity and resolutions only six days into the new year. Tonight you betches are in for a real treat, though, because in addition to my dog, I’ll be watching the episode with my neighbor who has watched approximately one episode of this show ever. She’s already asked me things like “is there a grand prize at the end?” and “do all the contestants live in one house like The Real World?” So, this should be fun.
We start things off with
ABC’s apology tour a brief reminder that even though we campaigned for, begged for, and wrote thinly veiled threats on Twitter for Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor this season, we’re still getting Pilot Pete. ABC does, however, treat us to a montage of Peter salsa dancing in the kitchen with his family, if only to remind us that he’s ~diverse~, just in case we forgot. Subtle, ABC, real subtle.
It’s at this point in the program that my neighbor leans over and asks me why Peter is talking about his love life to his Uber driver. She is referring to Chris MOTHERF*CKING Harrison. I’m dead.
PETER: I’m the Bachelor, I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
Um, you were a conventionally attractive white man in America, Peter. That’s what you did to deserve this.
One of my favorite parts of the first episode are when we get to see the new contestants at home before they come on the show. In fact, I LIVE for it because then we get to see very early on who is on the show because of their daddy issues and who is on the show
for the right reasons because their agent advised them to do reality TV to up their Instagram sponsorships. It’s fun! Here are my first impressions:
☆ Calling it right now Hannah Ann is the winner, or at least makes it to the bitter end. A southern girl who just likes to model and then make it to Sunday dinner with her family?? You will go far, girlfriend.
☆ Victoria Paul is hot nurse with a sob story. She’s like The CW’s wet dream. If she doesn’t win this entire thing then her life story will definitely be the backstory of a character on Riverdale next season.
☆ Hmm… are we really to believe this Madison character is a seasoned basketball player? Because this feels made up to me. If she’s a basketball player then I’m a model for the next “My Levi’s” campaign.
The Limo Entrances
We’re now 25 minutes into this three-hour episode and we’ve already made it to the limo entrances. Things don’t start off great. One of the women says that Peter looks like a doll, and I’m sure he loves that the women are talking about him like they’re his aunts and this is his first communion. Then there’s Eunice, who thinks she’s special because she’s a flight attendant. Oh, honey. If you thought ABC wasn’t going to take advantage of the Delta pilot thing by making sure that no less than half the house was made up of flight attendants, and maybe even a few aspiring flight attendants, then I just feel sad for you.
Another girl rolls in with her emotional support cow named Ashley P. Tbh I feel more kindred to the animal than the girl who brought her here because, like Ashely P, I too am an emotional support cow.
The low point of these entrances has to be when a grown-ass woman decides that the best way to introduce herself to the man she might marry one day is by showing up as actual baggage. Like, girl, no need to be so literal about it! He’s going to find out about your trust issues soon enough, just let him find out the old-fashioned way: after you call him 50 times in a row because he didn’t like your tweet right when you posted it. Yeesh.
Wait, I spoke too soon. A girl just said “hairless p*ssy” on national TV. This the true low point and proof that we’re in the Bad Place. Let’s just call 2020 a wash and light it on fire.
I will say I’m intrigued by Kelley, who tells us that she is a woman from Peter’s past. Apparently they met in a hotel lobby pre-production? He was there for his high school reunion and she was… stalking him? Idk. It’s unclear. She must have made quite the impression on him, though. I can’t relate. The only impression I ever make in a hotel lobby is on the concierge, and that’s because even though it explicitly states on their website that they don’t have a continental breakfast, I still vehemently express how disappointed I am about this and threaten to call the police. To each their own, though.
And just as I truly thought these entrances were going to be a waste of my time, who should pop out of the limo next but Hannah f*cking Brown. I’m not so much shocked that she came out of the limo as I’m shocked that ABC just like, showed us this content 50 minutes into an episode. They didn’t even hold it hostage and emotionally waterboard us with 90 minutes of fluff footage before they aired it!! Wow, this is growth.
Hannah claims that she just wanted to stop by to drop off Peter’s wings he gave her last season, which is definitely why she went to her Dancing with the Stars glam team and demanded full hair and makeup. Honestly, I’m here for it. The sparks are FLYING.
MY NEIGHBOR: She’s cute. They should get back together.
I mean, tell me the lie though!!!
The Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony
We quickly transition into the first cocktail party and rose ceremony of the season, and I’m concerned by how quickly this episode is progressing. Where is the footage from Shirley’s viewing party in Lansing, MI that no one asked for? Why haven’t we seen ANY footage of Ashley I and Jared holding court in a random bar like they’re regular people for absolutely no reason at all? I don’t trust it.
Hannah Ann starts things off strong by giving Peter her latest Wine ‘N Design. She definitely brought this home beaming with pride, and then when her roommates claimed it “just doesn’t fit our aesthetic” decided she would present it to the Bachelor on national TV to shove it in their faces. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Hannah Ann might be drunk.
The night does not improve. I’m actually alarmed by the amount of women physically assaulting Peter with their lips. One girl even handcuffs him and makes him kiss her for the key! If this happens one more time, I’m calling a hotline.
Okay, one girl who is KILLING it tonight is little Miss Hotel Lobby. At one point, Peter asks Kelley how she could possibly still be on the market and it’s like, okay what really happened in this lobby? ‘Cause I’m not buying that all that happened between them was one side hug and some small talk about the LA weather.
Meanwhile, Hannah Ann successfully manages to steal three more “quick chats” with Peter and even scores some light groping. I stand by my earlier comment about her being drunk. Classic.
It’s time to hand out the First Impression Rose, and my immediate thought is that it’s going to Kelley. I mean, it’s not every day you get a second chance with the girl who gave you a handie in the hotel lobby’s bathroom, amiright? So I’m shocked that he gives it to Hannah Ann.
PETER: I really appreciate the aggressiveness. It really touched me. Seriously. You would not stop touching me. You wouldn’t leave me the f*ck alone.
Awww. That’s sweet.
And that moves us into the rose ceremony. Truly, this episode is FLYING by. The rose ceremony is kind of a snooze. Production doesn’t even attempt to drum up the tension, and it goes about how you’d expect: Maurissa, Katrina, Kylie, Avonlea, Eunice, Jade, Jenna, and Megan all get the boot. Katrina, the girl whose bio read like my personal hellscape as she described every single person in her family being married (including her younger sister!!), doesn’t even have a full-blown panic attack on her way out. I’m disappointed.
The First Group Date
Once again, we are moving at the speed of light through this episode, as it’s only 9pm and we are already getting into the first group date. After it’s announced who will be joining Peter on the group date, Peter casually swings by the Bach mansion in his plane, and all 20 women have one synchronized orgasm at the sight.
For the group date, the women will be learning how to crochet. Kidding! OF COURSE it will be all about flying, because ABC is not done hammering home the fact that Peter is a pilot. And to instruct the women on the trials and tribulations of becoming a pilot, we are introduced to two of the most cynical, no-nonsense women I’ve ever seen on this franchise. It’s nice to feel represented for once.
I love that ABC is trying to convince us that these 12 women are going to be able to fly a plane at the end of this when I’m almost certain they needed an extra 50 hours of driving school to pass their DMV test. Jesus, what is this, the GRE? What is with this math quiz?
Hot Victoria tells us that her biggest fear is motion sickness, which is fun because my biggest fear is crippling loneliness and looking into the yawning pit that is my career and future, but please tell me more about this traumatizing teacup ride from your childhood.
This obstacle course post-flight school feels random, but I’m just thankful ABC didn’t actually think to put them in a plane after that. Little Miss Hotel Lobby wins the obstacle course and a private plane ride with Peter despite Tammy setting her aflame with her mind. I just love how pissed these girls are at Kelley. Like, yeah she cheated, but this is The Bachelor, a lawless land of a show. What did they expect?
Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Hot Victoria is really playing up this illness thing. I mean, that’s why she’s wearing those heinous glasses, right? She’s trying to remind Peter that only hours ago she was vomiting up her breakfast because of the “motion sickness,” and not at all because Psycho Tammy put whole milk instead of almond milk in her morning coffee—look at this sacrifice she made for you, Peter!!
We find out that the hotel they’re using for this cocktail hour is in fact the same hotel that Peter totally banged Kelley in. What fortuitous circumstances for our girl, Kel. Kelley is GIDDY with this information and is probably hoping to reenact their first
bj “run-in” in the aforementioned hotel lobby tonight. And here I thought WWIII was going to start over that whole Iran thing, but now I’m thinking it might start in this very hotel lobby when the other girls find out Kelley’s secret.
Peter gives Kelley the group date rose, and I’m happy for her. Usually the guys I meet in hotel lobbies, or random bars, or the parking lot of the World of Beer at 2am when everyone else has paired off for the night except for me and this last guy standing by a Toyota, don’t even give me a head nod the next time I bump into them, let alone a f*cking rose. Good for you, girl. Live the dream.
Madison’s One-On-One Date
Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the season, and I have nothing much to say about this except I’m offended by that little pink jersey dress. It’s less appropriate for a day date with America’s most eligible bachelor and more appropriate for the clearance section of my hometown’s Wet Seal. Do better, Madison.
Wait. Is Peter bringing her home for the first date? TO HIS PARENTS’ VOW RENEWAL?! And seated right up front in hot pink. Wow. Okay. And to think, my cousin wouldn’t even give me a plus-one to her wedding! I see how it is.
Madison is doing the most on this date. Not only does she give a little speech at the ceremony despite being a literal stranger to these people, she even lets Peter’s mom force feed her cake at one point, which has to be the first carb she’s eaten in her entire adult life.
I’m watching her recount this beautiful day she and Peter shared with each other and in my mind all I can think is: “this will not end well for you when the others find out.”
I love how they like to emotionally masturbate to their parents’ love stories. It’s like a circle jerk for familial love. It’s so off-putting. “Oh, your parents have been together for 30 years? God that’s good! I love that! Give me more!” I bet Madison’s parents are divorced.
MADISON: You remind me of my dad, which is good because I have daddy issues.
Madison gets a rose at the end of the date, but I expected she would. She really earned it the second she pretended to eat that Costco party cake and enjoy it.
The Second Group Date
Peter starts things off by telling us he’s merely a puppet in the Greek tragedy the producers hope to make of his personal life, and that he has absolutely no idea what they’ve planned for this second group date. In fact, all he knows is that a “good friend” is the mastermind behind today’s group date. And what do you know! This “good friend” is none other than Hannah Brown! The devil works hard, but ABC works harder.
Hannah starts things off by telling the girls a fun story about the one time she f*cked the guy they’re all interested in, and that for the date they’re all going to have to bare their
souls sexual sins to a live audience. It’s all in good fun and not at all an act of malicious jealousy! Nope!
Okay, wow, Hannah is having a tough time with this. Peter finds her crying in a back room and she tells him that she’s really struggling with helping him find his co-pilot. He’s like “oh, so that first night you weren’t just there because it’s in your contract? You might actually like me?” YES, YOU IDIOT! Did you see the dress she had on that night? My god!
Hannah says she still loves Peter and that she’s really f*cked up. I understand this sentiment. It’s something I said when I drunk dialed my ex boyfriend at midnight on New Year’s Eve. We’ve all been there, girl. It’s like, do you really miss him or do you just want to sabotage his future love and happiness because it will make you feel good? Neither is a wrong answer, by the way.
Honestly, I’m rooting for these two. When he says he wishes she would have asked him out on “After The Final Rose” instead of Tyler, my cold, dead heart started beating again. GAH JUST BE WITH HER ALREADY, PETER!!
PETER: Do you regret sending me home?
HANNAH: Yeah, Peter. All the time.
YEAH PETER, ALL THE TIME. I AM UNWELL.
You guys, it feels like they might get together? Idk, are we getting a new Bachelor next week?? Honestly, I wouldn’t be mad about it, but I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday to find out. Until then!
Images: Giphy (1); ABC (3); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @thebacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)
Like the roommate who started polluting your apartment with Hobby Lobby Christmas decorations before your Halloween hangover even subsided, ABC is also gearing up early for the holidays. But instead of gifting you with a fake Christmas tree that does nothing but partially block your view of the TV and give your dog diarrhea whenever she chews on it, ABC has gifted us with the gift that keeps on giving: the first official trailer for Peter’s season of The Bachelor.
The first promo for the season dropped a little over a week ago and gave us more windmill green screen imagery than the PowerPoint deck for the Green New Deal. Like, we GET IT, he f*cked in a windmill. I figured the trailer would be much of the same. And for the most part it was: we got Chris Harrison delivering his first contractually obligated “most dramatic season ever” of the season, at least 10 frames of Peter standing shirtless next to a plane, and footage of girls who are way too hot for Peter pretending to be into Peter. Basically, the storyboard for the teaser trailer could have been crafted by someone who doesn’t have working eyes or ears and only knows that Peter is a pilot (Chris Harrison’s least favorite nephew-turned-ABC-intern, I am looking at YOU). But then, just as I’m tempted to exit out of the trailer entirely, who should pop up on my screen? None other than HANNAH MF BROWN.
Before we go any further, here’s the full trailer so you can watch it in its entirety:
Not only does Hannah make an appearance during the season, but Peter actually asks her to stay AND THEN THEY ALMOST KISS. I mean, their body language alone has enough fire in it to burn ABC studios to the ground, and a still of their lips almost touching is certainly going to be my phone’s new background photo. I want to believe in a world where Hannah B gets a second chance at love on The Bachelor, I really do. But that would also require me to believe that the Easter bunny exists and that I plan my spring vacations around a groundhog. All I’m saying is the trailer looks a little too good to be true. Like, so untrue it might be world-class production editing untrue.
For one, Hannah B. just won the Dancing With the Stars. It seems unlikely that she could be on two reality TV shows at the same time, especially considering they aren’t filmed in the same city. Dancing With the Stars is filmed in Hollywood, CA, while The Bachelor takes up residence in Agoura Hills. According to Google Maps, that’s like an hour plus commute each way, but you might as well add ten years to that when you factor in California traffic.
Even if Hannah could do both shows, I don’t think she would. Don’t get me wrong, during her season’s After The Final Rose, I saw sparks between her and Peter. She practically had her hand down his pants at one point, so I could see them happening. What I don’t see happening is Hannah trying to compete for his attention with 20+ other women. She had her own season of The Bachelorette for god’s sake, she’s not going to go back to being on the other side of “can I steal you for a sec?”
And it’s not like Hannah isn’t single either. She recently confirmed that she’s not dating her Dancing With the Stars dance partner, Alan Bersten, nor is she dating ex Tyler Cameron. But she also said that she has “trauma from dating” (same girl). Something tells me that she’s not jumping back out into the dating world via bikini-clad group dates and drunken confessionals. Just a guess.
Then there’s the matter of video editing. This isn’t the first time ABC has promised us a fire season only to deliver a throne of lies built off one juicy season trailer. Take Colton’s infamous fence jump, for example. Production teased that happening from day one. They made it seem as if Colton’s meltdown would happen early on and in front of multiple women, when in all actuality the fence jump heard ‘round the world occurred during one of the last episodes of the season and in front of no one but Chris Harrison and a few shocked camera men. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hannah whole “I’d do anything for love” line from the trailer wasn’t taken completely out of context for the sole purpose of leading us. Nice try, ABC, but you aren’t the first f*ckboy I’ve encountered, mmkay?
So, do I think Hannah is going to be on Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor? The short answer is yes, but for less time than a commercial break. I’m not saying that Pilot Pete and Hannah are over for good (I will hold onto this torch until the end of time), but if anything happens between the two of them it won’t be on our TV screens, but rather, over Instagram DMs like God intended. Only time will tell, I suppose. Either way see you betches in January for the new season!
Images: ABC (1); Youtube (1)
UPDATE: Over the weekend, we were all surprised when Laura Fleiss, wife of Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss, posted a series of tweets, publicly addressing the reports of domestic violence from this past summer for the first time.
In July, Laura Fleiss filed an emergency domestic violence restraining order against Mike after an incident in which she alleged he demanded she get an abortion, then physically assaulted her. Along with photos of her bruises, Laura made detailed statements about Mike’s verbally and sometimes physically abusive tendencies. According to her statements, this specific altercation turned violent when Mike took Laura’s phone, and she tried to chase after him.
After hearing all of this, you can imagine our reaction when, this Sunday, Laura Fleiss took to Twitter to basically say that none of that really happened. In a series of messages, she called reports of domestic violence “erroneous,” and instead acknowledged that “There was an emotionally charged incident in which we fought over a phone and both exhibited immature and irresponsible behavior. This situation led to making rash decisions we both regret…”
Over the summer, my husband and I went through a challenging time, as all marriages do. There was an emotionally charged incident in which we fought over a phone and both exhibited immature and irresponsible behavior. This situation led to making rash decisions we both regret…
— laura fleiss (@FleissLaura) November 3, 2019
However, I would like to correct the erroneous reporting that my husband intentionally tried to attack and hurt me. That is untrue. We both take full responsibility for our actions and have worked very hard to repair the damage to our relationship and family…
— laura fleiss (@FleissLaura) November 3, 2019
…and are working together with the help of a marriage counselor to rebuild what we lost. I love @fleissmeister and our kids very much. We appreciate your support at this time.
— laura fleiss (@FleissLaura) November 3, 2019
Umm, wow. Obviously, none of us were there on that night in July, but this is certainly a 180º turn from how Laura described the incident at the time. She says that they “both take full responsibility” for what happened, and that they’re now working with a marriage counselor to “rebuild what we lost.” What’s also disturbing is that Laura created her Twitter account in November, and seeing as it’s only November 4th, it basically means she created a Twitter JUST to tweet out these messages. And Mike is the only person she follows…
Mike also tweeted a similar message, after retweeting Laura’s tweets. He wrote, “Happy to report that @FleissLaura and I have reconciled. I love my wife and am grateful for this opportunity to work on our marriage… Thanks for the support, #BachelorNation!” This tweet is all kinds of disgusting, and the replies on Twitter are quick to point out how disturbing and creepy this whole Twitter cover-up is.
Happy to report that @FleissLaura and I have reconciled. I love my wife and am grateful for this opportunity to work on our marriage… Thanks for the support, #BachelorNation!
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) November 3, 2019
As much as I want to believe that everything is totally fine here, and that things over the summer were just blown out of proportion, I feel extremely nervous about this situation. Mike Fleiss is a man with a lot of money and power, and we’ve heard from other people that he’s not the best guy. According to loveisrespect.org, studies have shown that it can take victims of domestic abuse return to their abusers an average of seven times before leaving for good, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that a victim is in the most danger when they decide to leave their abuser. Even though the Fleiss’s insist everything is fine, this entire situation is extremely concerning. We hope Laura has a strong support system in place, and that she and her child stay safe.
It seems like this season of The Bachelorette, all we’ve been hearing are stories about how the men vying for Hannah’s heart actually have a backup girlfriend back home in case
they get rejected their Flat Tummy Tea sponsorships don’t work out. First with Jed and his Nashville singer/songwriter Plan B, and then with Peter the Pilot and his hoes in other area codes. I would say “newsflash: men are trash” but can it really be a newsflash if this happens literally every day? But as it turns out, the biggest piece of trash to come out of The Bachelor franchise might not even be Jed, or Peter, or that one contestant who was actually a sex offender: it might be Mike Fleiss, the show’s creator.
Yesterday, Fleiss’ wife, Laura, filed for an emergency domestic violence restraining order after she claims her husband violently attacked her and then “demanded” she get an abortion over the July 4th weekend. She claims that in an altercation about her cell phone, Mike grabbed her body and “forcibly pinned me up against the wall and held me there.” After she broke free, she says he “continued to use his arms and hands to aggressively push me away from him as he walked outside the door.”
The incident, which allegedly took place in their Hawaii home, occurred while Laura was 10 weeks pregnant with their second child, AND she’s saying that the entire thing was caught on security cameras. If that’s not karmic payback for trying to fabricate a sexual assault on Bachelor in Paradise to boost ratings two seasons ago, then I don’t know what is!
In documents obtained by The Blast, Laura claims that prior to the July 4th incident, Fleiss threatened her with divorce if she didn’t get an abortion, and that he used the threat of divorce multiple times throughout the marriage. She claims that Mike told her things like “I am cutting you off financially Monday morning,” and “Next time I see you, I don’t want to see your stomach,” and “You have a choice, you can choose. Have an abortion or go back to Wisconsin, but you are not taking Ben .”
The former Miss Wisconsin and 2012 Miss America winner goes on to say:
“Over the past several years of our marriage, Mike has made many emotionally derogatory and demeaning comments designed to demonstrate his financial coercive control over me such as repeatedly insinuating that he would destroy me with his wealth and power. Within that last year, he has verbally abused me many times telling me that I am going to end up ‘fat and single in Kenosha, Wisconsin,’ with the usual follow-up comment of ‘Good luck with that.’ He consistently would call me ‘fat,’ telling me that I need to lose weight, and berate me as being ‘lazy’ and ‘incapable.’ He has made these comments in the presence of our son Ben… The continued verbal and emotional abuse have wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I have spent time in therapy discussing the effects upon me of Mike’s demanding and denigrating comments.”
But ! The ! Tea ! Continues ! To ! Spill ! After a Los Angeles judge granted Laura a temporary restraining order against Mike, in which he can have no direct or indirect contact with her and must stay at least 100 yards away from her at all times, Mike filed his own declaration denying her claims and requesting primary custody of their 4-year-old son, Ben. He alleges that she was the aggressor and that she physically attacked him. So, let me get this straight. Even though Laura is the only one with documented injuries, she is somehow to blame for this entire incident? Seriously? What kind of a fool do you take us for, Mikey? Just because you can trick us into watching your show two hours a week every week doesn’t mean you can trick us into believing this!
Okay, so this is…a lot to unpack. Like, more to unpack than my feelings regarding Mark Consuelos being written in as a series regular on Riverdale. First and foremost, I’m glad Laura, her son, and unborn child are doing okay. Mike has been ordered to move out of their Hawaii home, which feels like a good first step in their healing process.
Secondly, I want to say I’m surprised that the man who makes millions off of manipulating American women into believing that people with 20K Insta followers are actually going on reality TV to “find love” and not a sponsorship deal would also be the kind of guy who threatens to punch his pregnant wife. Oh, wait. I mean I’m NOT surprised. AT ALL. What I am surprised about his how long it took for us to learn his true colors.
I’m not buying his “I’m the victim here” story for one f*cking second, and neither should you. The photos of Laura’s injuries and the footage of the alleged incident captured by the couple’s home security cameras are damning, to say the least. And even if there wasn’t documented evidence of the alleged assault, let’s not forget that this is a man who has willfully ignored toxic behavior of contestants and cast literal sex offenders, so why should his personal life be any different?
Stay tuned for more updates as the story unfolds because, trust me, there will be more tea to be spilled. Let’s see if Mike Fleiss will end up in a cell with Chris Soules, Lincoln Adim, or Amanda Stanton!
If you or someone you love is involved in a potentially violent domestic situation contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or online here.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy
Welcome back to another entry in the All Men Are Trash Encyclopedia. Who’s our featured piece of trash today? I’m sad to report that we’ve gotten some unfortunate information about Pilot Peter from this season of The Bachelorette. We all love him, but according to his ex-girlfriend, he’s a lying sack of sh*t just like literally every other man in the world. Andddd another one bites the dust. Let’s go through the accusations, and talk about how literally half of Hannah’s remaining men (not even counting Luke P) are total garbage.
Peter’s ex is a woman named Calee Lutes, who lives in Atlanta. In an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight, she said that she and Peter met in June 2018, when he was in Atlanta for a month of training after getting hired with Delta. (I have a friend who is a flight attendant at Delta and can confirm, this checks out.) They met on a dating app, and decided to continue their relationship long distance after his time in Atlanta was finished. Despite the distance, Calee told ET that she and Peter were “crazy about each other,” and that they saw each other every few weeks. They even went to Switzerland together in November.
ET also has photos of them together, in addition to screenshots of texts and DMs, so you should definitely look at those. According to Calee, their relationship progressed quickly, and they frequently talked about her potentially moving to LA to be with him. Then, two days before Christmas, Peter broke up with Calee over FaceTime, even though she had just bought a ticket to LA for New Years. Ugh, hopefully she flew Southwest so she could get that sweet sweet credit. She says he didn’t give any reason for the breakup other than that they shouldn’t let their relationship get any more serious.
Right after breaking up with her, Calee says that Peter deleted every trace of her from his Instagram, even erasing his comments and likes on her photos. At the time, Calee noticed that a Bachelorette producer had recently followed him, but she had no idea he was actually going on the show until the cast was announced in March.
Obviously, Calee was surprised and upset to find out that her boyfriend had applied and interviewed to be on a dating show while still in a serious relationship with her, but the initial shock just got worse after the show started airing. As you’ll probably recall, Peter opened up to Hannah in Latvia about how difficult his recent breakup was for him. To hear Peter tell it, he had his heart completely broken, and is still struggling to pick up the pieces.
Calee says she’s sure she is the ex he’s talking about, and that she feels betrayed about the way he’s portrayed their breakup on the show. If all of this is true, then Peter obviously sounds like a nightmare. It’s bad enough that he chose the show over his relationship, but the fact that he basically ghosted his girlfriend and is now making her sound like the bad guy on national television is completely f*cked up.
Overall, Jed’s deception of both Hannah AND his girlfriend before going on the show is probably worse, but Peter’s situation ain’t good either. I won’t spoil the ending of the show here (click here if you want to know who wins), but at this point, none of Hannah’s choices are looking promising. I mean… at least Luke P is upfront about how terrible he is? No, you’re right, that’s crazy talk.
Hannah, get out while you still can. I want the best for you, and I don’t think any of these lying clowns can provide that for you. Tyler C, you better not f*cking let us down.
Images: ABC; caleelutes / Instagram; Giphy