The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Apparently People Come On This Show For The Wrong Reasons?

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Welcome back fellow Bachelor fans to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read according to me, the author and person who blackmails her friends into reading her recaps for clicks! I always find it a little cruel and unusual that ABC would dare air an episode on a national holiday as if the majority of us didn’t just spend the extra day we’d been given recuperating from the long weekend in the fetal position on our couch wishing for death as we binge watched the entire season of The Circle in one sitting (just me?). But it’s fine, ABC. JUST FINE. 

Moving on. Last week we were treated to what might be the best thing I’ve ever seen on my television screen: #ChampagneGate2020. There was crying, champagne stealing, and a grown woman taking a shot of champagne straight to the eye like a mf CHAMP. Watching this girl humiliate herself on national television as she drunkenly blubbered about someone stealing her alcohol is something I felt and resonated with on a deep, almost cosmic, level. Kelsey, please never change. 

This week’s episode starts the same way my day did when I realized I’d run out of ibuprofen and would have to spend the next 24 hours actually suffering the consequences of my hangover: in tears. Hannah Ann is crying about her ruined reputation as a champagne stealer, Kelsey is crying about her and her bottle of Andre being misunderstood. I’m crying because even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours treating my body like a used up Franzia bag, I’m still somehow forcing down a glass of red for this episode. We all have our crosses to bear!

Hot Victoria’s One-On-One Date

Hot Victoria gets chosen for the first one-on-one date of the week and I can already tell it’s going to be a doozy when Peter shows up looking like an ad for toxic masculinity in his flannel shirt and matching pickup truck. Jesus.

Wow, they are really leaning into this country vibe today. First the pickup truck, and now this outing to shop for cowboy boots? Is this because Victoria is from Virginia? Peter, I thought you, like, traveled a lot? You know there’s more to the state of Virginia than just Bud Light and the “save a horse, ride a cowboy” bumper stickers you were clearly envisioning when you signed up for this date. 

I love that Hannah Ann gets to walk away with from The Bachelor with Revolve’s spring line and Hot Victoria gets some souvenirs from the local Boots & Scoots. 

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Dosey don’t you feel the sparks between these two 🤠 🌹#thebachelor #bachelornation

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Oh how CONVENIENT that they just happen upon this honky tonk bar in the MIDDLE of L.A. Are there just Nashville pop-up shops like these around every corner? Hmmm? And what’s the next stop on this date? Dinner at the Cracker Barrel? 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey and Hannah Ann continue to verbally rip each other to shreds over a bottle of champagne. As someone who has lost friendships over a misplaced bottle of moscato before, I understand how this can fracture a relationship. Carry on ladies.

Peter and Hot Victoria head into the evening portion of their date and, sadly, it won’t consist of them shooting squirrels and other small game and roasting their kills over a fire pit for dinner. How very off brand for the evening. They’re eating dinner at an airplane hangar, so I guess Peter has officially retired his cowboy hat for the evening and has replaced it with his pilot cap. Got it.

Victoria launches into a very moving story about how she spent her youth in and out of homeless shelters taking care of her little sister while her mother was absent, and this is how I know this show has ruined my soul and made me lose all empathy for the human race because all I’m thinking is “yeah, yeah, another sob story, let’s move on.”

ME: Do I like Hot Victoria?
HOT VICTORIA: *has the life story of a Lifetime movie heroine, the cheekbones of a Hadid sister, and pursued a career in medicine to help others*
ME: Nah, she’s a lump

I think Peter was a little surprised to learn that Hot Victoria is more than just an Instagram filter brought to life because his reaction feels a little too heavy-handed to me. He tells her that she is the only thing that matters to him and then something about her light shining and, honestly, it’s all bullsh*t. He doesn’t even know her! It’s just empty words! Like, yeah, that was a pretty speech and all but I’ve murmured those same words alone to myself in my living room anytime more of Jughead’s backstory is revealed on Riverdale. It doesn’t, like, mean anything!

Unsurprisingly, Hot Victoria scores a rose from today’s date, because as if Peter could eliminate her after hearing a sob story like that. Nice play, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had it in you.

The Group Date

Going into the group date this week, tensions are high and there are a lot of unanswered questions, like why is Demi here and did she slash Chris Harrison’s tires this morning so she could be the new host? I mean I love Demi, but I still don’t understand her presence during today’s date. I’m truly shocked that she’s managed to delay her expiration date for this franchise by this much, but I guess that’s what the new face was for…

Demi shows up to the house at—judging by the women’s disheveled appearances—what must be an ungodly hour of the morning. Alayah hasn’t even put on her eyelash extensions yet! 

DEMI:

She introduces her two muscled henchwomen as Champagne and Killer, and this feels on the nose even for ABC. Kelsey and Hannah Ann aren’t even going on this date for god’s sake! We learn that Demi has gifted all of the women lingerie that she believes fits each of their personalities. Savannah, one of the hottest women in the house, gets her grandmother’s mumu while the nanny from Georgia declares she got some cute “linguine.” I hope her employers are watching this and realize that they need to get their kid hooked on phonics ASAP. 

The lingerie will come in handy because for the date the women will head to an underground pillow fight club where they will wrestle to the death for Peter’s attention while simultaneously putting feminism back 30 years. I love a good multitask! As the women start dressing in various states of lace, silk, and in Savannah’s case, Victorian necklines, this is beginning to feel less like a group date and more like a sorority hazing ritual that will end in one of them threatening to call their daddy the lawyer. 

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Sometimes you have to fight for love! #TheBachelor Have a great weekend. See you Monday night

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KELLEY: I’m not really feeling this date. Who wants to see their attorney in lingerie on national television?

Um, who wants to see their attorney stick their tongue down a commercial pilot’s throat on national television? But you’ve already done that so what’s your point, Kel?

What a shocking coincidence the final matchup is between Sydney and Alayah, whose feud in the house is only second to Hannah Ann’s with a discarded champagne bottle. Honestly, I would be scared to fight Alayah. She’s 118 pounds of lip liner and hairspray and she has the confidence of a person who’s never been on a date that ended with the guy venmoing her for drinks. Good luck, Sydney!

And what do you know! Alayah wins! She gets a crown and two minutes of Peter’s unwavering attention. I hope she’s happy with that. 

Okay, Alayah is way too confident to be at this cocktail party wearing Charming Charlie’s earrings. Not only am I appalled, but I feel as if my retinas have been permanently mutilated from the sight of those monstrosities dangling by her shoulders. 

Sydney is still a little sour from losing the pillow fight and has decided to channel all of that energy into exposing Alayah as fake. Her first line of questioning: does Alayah have a job? LOL. Do any of you?? She’s like “so, Alayah do you work” and it’s like, of course she doesn’t work, sweetie. If she had a paying job would she be taking an indefinite vacation to pursue a commercial pilot on national television at the expense of her dignity and family’s good name? Come on.

SYDNEY: Well, I have a job.
ME ON MY COUCH, EMPTYING A BAG OF CHEETOS STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH:

Sydney brings her concerns about Alayah’s “realness” to Peter’s attention. She says there’s a lot of girls in the house who “turn it on” for the cameras and I love that she can say that with a straight face and those eyelash extensions. Maybe let’s have this discussion when you get some screen time with the eyelashes and lips you were born with, mmkay?

Peter is at a loss as to how to handle this turn of events. This goes beyond what he learned in flight school. He decides that the least dramatic way to handle this, really the only way to handle this, is to put Sydney on f*cking blast in front of every other girl on this date. OMG PETER. Are you trying to get her killed??

PETER: Sydney, didn’t you say Alayah was a fake ass hoe? Or was it fake ass bitch? I can’t remember. Can you clarify for us here?
SYDNEY: 

Oh sh*t! She named names in front of Alayah and everything!! I’m shocked. I truly did not think she had it in her. B*tch better go into witness protection after this is all I’m saying.

THE RAT GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. WHAT!! Peter gives Sydney the group date rose because she was “open and honest” with him, and this might be the first time in history that a rat has ever gotten the group date rose. Wow, way to make history, Sydney. 

The Pool Party/Cocktail Party

Cut to the next morning, and Alayah has really taken Sydney’s words to heart. She’s distraught from the attack on her character. She’s so upset that someone would accuse her of being fake that she decides to go on camera with her glasses. How very brave. That will show them, girl!

Chris Harrison waltzes into the Bachelor mansion and it’s like, how very nice to see you Christopher! I don’t think he’s spoken words or appeared on my screen since the night one limo entrances, and it’s comforting to know that Demi hasn’t completely taken over as host of this show… yet. He gets his obligatory five lines in for the episode and while it’s nice to see, it’s this lack of initiative that makes my neighbor who has only watched two episodes of The Bachelor ever think he’s the Uber driver and not the host of this goddamn show. Do better, Chris.

He tells us that instead of a cocktail party Peter will be hosting a pool party! We are to believe that this is out of the goodness of his heart and not because he would like to see them all half naked before he makes another elimination tonight. Sure, Jan. 

Okay, damn. All the girls are going in on Alayah and she is screwed. The only way she can come back from this is if she anonymously publishes her own burn book and blames it on Cady Heron Sydney. *turns up volume*

Production is doing absolutely no favors for this supposed pool “party.” All the footage they’ve captured is of girls taking naps by the pool or gently sipping mimosas. I’ve seen wilder things at the community pool in my Grandma’s retirement community. That Eugene is a REAL scoundrel. 

Alayah decides that she needs to squash this beef with Sydney if she has any hope of winning over Peter. She’s going to do this by having an honest and open conversation with Sydney and she’ll even leave her eyelash extensions at home and everything. Ah, yes. The modern day olive branch, if you will.

Peter seems way too invested in this authenticity debate. He keeps asking Alayah about her intentions and why other girls think she’s fake and how does he know what’s real or fake with her? Okay, Peter, but what are you really worried about here? She’s not the only one who’s going to fake an orgasm with you okay!!

PETER: *laughs nervously* but you haven’t faked anything with me, right?
ALAYAH: I can’t fake anything I swear!!
ALSO ALAYAH:

But Alayah’s reputation cannot be salvaged, because just as the dust is clearing for her, Hot Victoria comes in to tell Peter about the illuminating three hours she spent with Alayah pre-production. Yes, Victoria, please tell us about how in 180 minutes you learned all about Alayah’s innermost secrets and desires, but in the two years I’ve worked at my job I still don’t know my PM’s last name.

Hot Victoria tells Peter that Alayah told her that she would be open to other opportunities after this show even if it wasn’t as Peter’s wife. I’m sorry is this supposed to be news to anyone here?? SO IS EVERYONE, VICTORIA. WHAT IS YOUR POINT. 

Look, I’m not Team Alayah or anything but I think this is a little unfair. She’s one of a NUMBER of pageant girls this season (including you, Hot Victoria!) so by no means is she the only one here who is skilled at manipulation and acting fake for the cameras. And literally everyone is on this show to pursue their personal brands! And do you want to know how I know this? Because every single woman here looks like they walked straight out of the FaceTune app. Their arguments would be much more believable if even one of them showed a single, physical flaw in front of the cameras. 

Peter confronts Alayah again and you can tell the poor girl has had a few minutes thinking they were all good and is now about to be completely blindsided. He asks her about the producer thing and you can see the moment she knows she’s f*cked. 

She says that she only told Hot Victoria to lie because she didn’t think that two people who knew each other could be on the show. I’ve heard better excuses from the five-year-old I used to babysit when she would tell me she didn’t draw on her parent’s bedroom walls, her invisible friend Martha did. Come on, Alayah, you’re better than this!

Going into the rose ceremony tonight the atmosphere is TENSE. I feel like there has been a lot of drama in the house this episode. What, is everyone’s cycle syncing or something?

Kelsey is the first to receive a rose this evening, and it’s great that she continues to get rewarded for her terrible behavior. It gives me hope for the future. Meanwhile, MyKenna’s anguish is actually visible throughout this entire rose ceremony. Watching a 22-year-old, physically flawless Instagram model understand rejection for the first time in her charmed life is truly giving me life. 

Ugh, but MyKenna gets the last rose of the evening, which means Alayah, Jasmine, Alexa, and Sarah are all going home tonight. 

But wait! The plot thickens! As soon as Peter gets one last look at Alayah and her rack he feels conflicted by his decision. He asks the producers if there’s a way he can bring Alayah back and it’s like PETER THERE ARE NO TAKEBACKSIES IN THIS GAME!! You know, unless you’re Hannah Brown, and then by all means play a game of musical chairs with all of your romantic suitors. 

And on that note, I’m outtie betches! See you next week where we’ll learn if Peter brings Alayah back and the women in turn form an angry mob where they draw and quarter him in the town square for his idiocy. You love to see it. Until then!

Images: Giphy (6); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @chrisbharrison /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Champagne Showers

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Hello and welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! Every Monday I tell myself that this will be the Monday that I cut ties with this disease-ridden franchise and do something for myself. The things I would do with those two hours back in my life! I could download a workout video! I could watch that workout video while eating Cheetos by the handful in bed! I could take a nap! Re-watch Criminal Minds in its entirety for the third time! The possibilities are truly endless, and yet, every Monday I find myself coming back for more. Sighs. It’s nice to dream though, isn’t it?

Moving on. When last we left off, ABC had just delivered a jam-packed three-hour episode, and it was a little disconcerting tbh. When ABC declares an episode will be “dramatic” I’m conditioned to understand that this means I will be forced to endure no less than an hour and 50 minutes worth of meaningless fluff and 10 minutes of footage that makes me so uncomfortable that I want to disintegrate into my couch. It’s diabolical. But last week, ABC truly delivered. Not only did we get to see the night one rose ceremony, but we also got to see a group date, a one-on-one date, AND the beginnings of a second group date! We saw so much footage I was nervous I had somehow slipped and hit my head and this was all some kind of crazy fever dream.

Which brings us to this week: Hannah Brown is crying in a closet because her ex might actually be moving on from her. This is, like, 90 percent of the time why I cry at bars (the other 10 percent is because I know my dog is too good for me), so I feel for her, I really do. Peter asks Hannah if she’d be willing to give them a second shot. He would like to date her but also the 20+ other women he’s contractually obligated to give the time of day. What’s terrifying is that Hannah is actually, like, considering this change in events?? I’m not sure what sort of new low you need to reach as a person to consider not only taking back your ex but ACTIVELY competing for his love with an entire pledge class worth of girls, but Hannah, blink once if you need me to call a hotline for you.

PETER: You should have told me not to be The Bachelor. I never said no to you, you’re the one who said no to me.
ME:

Hannah’s like “can I give you a hug, Peter?” and okay, that’s more of a hug than I would give my grandmother, Hannah!! You guys, she just curled up into his lap like a goddamn cat! Her hand is on his thigh! His head is in her lap! This is the most personal thing I’ve ever witnessed on this show, and I’m so uneasy about it. ABC is too, I think, because they keep flipping back and forth between Peter tearfully stroking Hannah’s back like he just learned she has a terminal illness, to the rest of the women as they talk about which sex position will get the most slaps during their performance.

Honestly, can they just be together and be done with it?? I know I’m not supposed to root for Hannah Brown but MY GOD you can’t deny sparks like that. And look, I know, I know, that Hannah will not be back at this house. She still has to finish out Dancing with the Stars and Peter signed a contract to be the next Bachelor (like it or not), but I’m really really rooting for these two. Their connection is palpable. 

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AND THATS THE MOTHERFUCKIN TEA! (Edit: I believe this is about Hannah B since it was one minute into the episode)

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Hell has frozen over because I agree with Colton about something. 

Hannah decides that maybe—lol, this is so random honestly—but maybe this is less about Peter and more about Hannah not wanting her ex to move on before she does. Lol SO random. Meanwhile, the look Peter gives the camera when he ultimately realizes they need to part ways is more on par with a prisoner of war then a man who has to go back and seduce a room full of cosmetically-enhanced superwomen. I feel for you, Peter, I do. 

Peter tells the women that he can’t go through with the rest of this date, that he needs to process his emotions, and the women look far too upset about the fact that they won’t have to talk about the one time they tried edible underwear and got a yeast infection from it. Ladies don’t look so down, this is a good thing!!

PETER: I’m sorry, but let’s just reconvene later. I need to go emotionally masturbate to my relationship with Hannah right now. You understand?

Oh, they understand. Especially the 31-year-old who is PISSED about this whole Hannah B thing. She breaks the cardinal rule of this show by talking sh*t to the Bachelor early on. Doesn’t she realize that snitches get stitches on here?! This is like, rule #1 of this show. She tells Peter that he shouldn’t be working out his personal issues with his exes on this show, and I feel like she’s missing the entire point of The Bachelor

The rest of the girls decide to put the Hannah thing behind them and move forward in their relationships with Peter. There’s talk about “strengthening bonds,” which I’m to take actually means aggressive makeouts and extreme heavy petting because there is a lot of that going on in this room. 

Sydney gets the group date rose after she and Peter bond over both being biracial. Sydney admits growing up in the South as a person of color was pretty hard and that she experienced a lot of bullying and discrimination. It’s heartfelt and genuine and I’d love to see more from her. Meanwhile, Peter admits to salsa dancing that one time with his parents in the kitchen. Christ.

The Rose Ceremony Champagne Crisis Of 2020

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by letting the women know he is absolutely 100% not into Hannah anymore and then proceeds to say her name no less than 12 times in the span of five minutes. Methinks the pilot doth protest too much…

The night starts off on a low note when Peter’s first conversation is with a girl who he remembers because she is the token redhead… but this is all he remembers. 

TOKEN REDHEAD: I had the red car on night one? Red hair, red car. Remember?
PETER: I… remember production has been making me carry around these car keys for the last week and now that’s starting to make sense.

Meanwhile, no one is more upset at this rose ceremony than Kelsey. She’s worried that Peter won’t remember her and she’ll be sent home this week and it’s like, honey, don’t sell yourself short. No one is going to be able to forget those beached whale sobs that have been coming out of your mouth all evening. 

But Kelsey has a plan! And that plan involves a bottle of champagne she brought all the way from her hometown’s Costco for this very occasion. We learn that she’s been saving this bottle of champagne for *checks notes* an entire year. I’m sorry, but A YEAR?! That bottle looks suspiciously like it might be Korbel to me. I’m going to assume that won’t age well. 

Wow, Peter is just full of gifts tonight. During some alone time with Madison he gives her a framed photo of the two of them from his parents’ vow renewal ceremony. I have concerns. A framed photo after one date feels like something only a serial killer would gift you right before they plot your death. On the other hand, when they inevitably break up in a few weeks, this will make for some nice kindling when she goes to burn all his sh*t. But, like, memories too.

 

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Swipe for a closer look… #thebachelor

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Elsewhere, Hannah Ann walks into a straight-up bear trap. She and Peter happen upon Kelsey’s bottle of André just like production told them to. They decide to pop it and all of  Kelsey’s dreams. 

HANNAH ANN: *pops champagne*
KELSEY:

ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
The pop heard ‘round the world!

Okay, is Kelsey ACTUALLY confronting Hannah Ann to Peter’s face?! Kelsey, honey, baby, sweetie, you never EVER make a scene in front of the lead! This is the kiss of death! A man doesn’t want to see that you have emotions unless those emotions involve a fantasy suite and a windmill, mmkay!!

Peter tries to calm Kelsey down and it’s like watching a handler at the zoo try and comfort a manic depressive koala. He suggests that they pop a new bottle of champagne together, preferably one that hasn’t been sitting in the glove compartment of Kelsey’s car for the last year.

KELSEY: You’re right, I’m so sober rn I could use a drink.
ALSO KELSEY:

YOU GUYS I AM F*CKING DEAD. DECEASED. LOWER ME INTO MY GRAVE NOW BECAUSE I’LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THAT 15 SECONDS OF FOOTAGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

When that bottle of champagne spews all over Kelsey’s tear-stained face, a part of me that I thought was long-since dead came back to life. Thank you, ABC. That was truly magical.

And that moves us to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by saying that his wife is in the room but, like, I don’t see Hannah B anywhere in that room, sooo? 

WHAT. KELSEY GETS A ROSE?! When did acting like a drunken psycho suddenly become behavior worth rewarding? No, seriously, when? Because last weekend when I drunkenly snapped at my ex, all it got me was shame, regret, and some new dick pics. Definitely not any roses, though.

Welcome to the loser’s club, Courtney, Lauren, and Payton, because you’re all going home this week.

The Group Date

For the group date this week, the women will be modeling for Revolve. This feels very meta to me. What’s next? A competition to see who can build the best presets? When the women learn that the winner of Revolve’s Next Top Model will get more than just Peter’s attention, but an entire store’s worth of merchandise? It’s the first time I’ve seen any of them express true happiness. You love to see it. 

Meanwhile, Victoria (not Hot Victoria but the other Victoria) is having a hard time with this date. She wants Peter’s attention but doesn’t want to compete with a room full of Instagram’s hottest women to get it. Again, was she not aware of what this show would entail?

Christ. Watching Peter strut his stuff down the runway is making my reproductive organs shrivel up and die. Case in point:

Peter

Okay, the women literally just picked out what they’re wearing to Stagecoach this year. I can’t. 

For all of Victoria’s moaning about not being confident and being an insecure wallflower, she is OOZING sex appeal on this catwalk. I mean, her evening “look” is literally just lingerie underneath Keanu’s coat from The Matrix.

VICTORIA: I feel, like, noticed.

Well, I can practically see your areola, so I certainly hope so. 

Though Victoria places in the top two, ultimately Hannah Ann wins Revolve’s Next Top Model, which tracks because I’m pretty sure she is actually a model for Revolve. She gets to go home with a trunk full of new clothes, while Victoria gets to go home knowing her grandmother has seen her get groped by a commercial airline pilot in a dingy room with neon uplighting. Everyone’s a winner.

Victoria takes these insecurities into the cocktail portion of the date by immediately crying to Peter. She keeps saying how hard this process is and how hard she’s trying to get his attention and how hard this whole experience has been for her. Do you want to know what’s really going to be hard, Victoria? The thesaurus I throw at you so you can learn a goddamn synonym. 

 “I don’t know if you’re worth my mental health”— something I will be telling my manager during my next performance review. 

Kelsey grabs Peter next, and she is looking awfully confident for a girl who, less than 24 hours ago, took a champagne shower on national television. And what do you know! She’s drinking champagne again with Peter! She’s nothing if not on brand. 

Hannah Ann decides that being gifted an entirely new wardrobe is not enough and she would prefer to collect her winnings through the pain and suffering of her enemies. I can relate. She tells Peter that she’s being bullied by Kelsey, which feels like a lie mostly because Kelsey has either been crying or passed out for the majority of this episode. I’d like to see those receipts, Hannah Ann. 

KESLEY: That’s two nights where I haven’t cried!
KELSEY AFTER SHE HEARS HANNAH ANN CALLED HER A BULLY: 

Victoria gets the group date rose and it’s totally because she was honest and vulnerable with Peter and not at all because if he looked close enough he could see a nipple through that runway outfit of hers. So sweet.

Just as the episode is wrapping up, Peter pulls Kelsey aside to confront her about the bullying thing. He feels about as comfortable in that role as Chris Harrison did explaining giving Colton “the talk.” Kelsey says that she’s been bullied before—hello Peter, did you even SEE what happened with her Walgreen’s champagne the other night?!—and this is not it. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter sides with Hannah Ann or the woman who won’t stop crying in public restrooms. Only time will tell!

Images: ABC/Eric McCandless; Giphy (6)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Are We Getting A New Bachelor Next Week?

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Welcome back, Betchelor Nation, to the 24th annual Hunger Games season of The Bachelor! It’s the start of a new decade, and the good people over at ABC decided to respond in kind by shaking things up this season with a Bachelor so diverse, so dynamic, that he’s unlike any we’ve seen befor—wait, what’s that you say? The Bachelor this year is just a moderately attractive Delta pilot who happened to live down the street from the Bachelor mansion? Christ.  

On that note, I’ll be your resident recapper for the season, and if you’re wondering what makes me qualified for such an esteemed position, let’s just say I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and tears the deterioration of my liver. If you have any issues with the recaps, you can take it up in your group chat because the comments section is strictly for praise and adoration only, it says so in my contract. Now, shall we get to recapping?

We’re told right away that the premiere episode will be three soul-sucking hours long, because I can only assume that production is trying to test the limits of our sanity and resolutions only six days into the new year. Tonight you betches are in for a real treat, though, because in addition to my dog, I’ll be watching the episode with my neighbor who has watched approximately one episode of this show ever. She’s already asked me things like “is there a grand prize at the end?” and “do all the contestants live in one house like The Real World?” So, this should be fun. 

We start things off with ABC’s apology tour a brief reminder that even though we campaigned for, begged for, and wrote thinly veiled threats on Twitter for Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor this season, we’re still getting Pilot Pete. ABC does, however, treat us to a montage of Peter salsa dancing in the kitchen with his family, if only to remind us that he’s ~diverse~, just in case we forgot.  Subtle, ABC, real subtle.

It’s at this point in the program that my neighbor leans over and asks me why Peter is talking about his love life to his Uber driver. She is referring to Chris MOTHERF*CKING Harrison. I’m dead. 

PETER: I’m the Bachelor, I don’t know what I did to deserve this. 

Um, you were a conventionally attractive white man in America, Peter. That’s what you did to deserve this.

One of my favorite parts of the first episode are when we get to see the new contestants at home before they come on the show. In fact, I LIVE for it because then we get to see very early on who is on the show because of their daddy issues and who is on the show for the right reasons because their agent advised them to do reality TV to up their Instagram sponsorships. It’s fun! Here are my first impressions:

☆ Calling it right now Hannah Ann is the winner, or at least makes it to the bitter end. A southern girl who just likes to model and then make it to Sunday dinner with her family?? You will go far, girlfriend.
☆ Victoria Paul is hot nurse with a sob story. She’s like The CW’s wet dream. If she doesn’t win this entire thing then her life story will definitely be the backstory of a character on Riverdale next season.
☆ Hmm… are we really to believe this Madison character is a seasoned basketball player? Because this feels made up to me. If she’s a basketball player then I’m a model for the next “My Levi’s” campaign.

The Limo Entrances

We’re now 25 minutes into this three-hour episode and we’ve already made it to the limo entrances. Things don’t start off great. One of the women says that Peter looks like a doll, and I’m sure he loves that the women are talking about him like they’re his aunts and this is his first communion. Then there’s Eunice, who thinks she’s special because she’s a flight attendant. Oh, honey. If you thought ABC wasn’t going to take advantage of the Delta pilot thing by making sure that no less than half the house was made up of flight attendants, and maybe even a few aspiring flight attendants, then I just feel sad for you. 

Another girl rolls in with her emotional support cow named Ashley P. Tbh I feel more kindred to the animal than the girl who brought her here because, like Ashely P, I too am an emotional support cow.

The low point of these entrances has to be when a grown-ass woman decides that the best way to introduce herself to the man she might marry one day is by showing up as actual baggage. Like, girl, no need to be so literal about it! He’s going to find out about your trust issues soon enough, just let him find out the old-fashioned way: after you call him 50 times in a row because he didn’t like your tweet right when you posted it. Yeesh.

Wait, I spoke too soon. A girl just said “hairless p*ssy” on national TV. This the true low point and proof that we’re in the Bad Place. Let’s just call 2020 a wash and light it on fire.

I will say I’m intrigued by Kelley, who tells us that she is a woman from Peter’s past. Apparently they met in a hotel lobby pre-production? He was there for his high school reunion and she was… stalking him? Idk. It’s unclear. She must have made quite the impression on him, though. I can’t relate. The only impression I ever make in a hotel lobby is on the concierge, and that’s because even though it explicitly states on their website that they don’t have a continental breakfast, I still vehemently express how disappointed I am about this and threaten to call the police. To each their own, though.

And just as I truly thought these entrances were going to be a waste of my time, who should pop out of the limo next but Hannah f*cking Brown. I’m not so much shocked that she came out of the limo as I’m shocked that ABC just like, showed us this content 50 minutes into an episode. They didn’t even hold it hostage and emotionally waterboard us with 90 minutes of fluff footage before they aired it!! Wow, this is growth. 

Hannah claims that she just wanted to stop by to drop off Peter’s wings he gave her last season, which is definitely why she went to her Dancing with the Stars glam team and demanded full hair and makeup. Honestly, I’m here for it. The sparks are FLYING. 

MY NEIGHBOR: She’s cute. They should get back together. 

I mean, tell me the lie though!!!

The Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

We quickly transition into the first cocktail party and rose ceremony of the season, and I’m concerned by how quickly this episode is progressing. Where is the footage from Shirley’s viewing party in Lansing, MI that no one asked for? Why haven’t we seen ANY footage of Ashley I and Jared holding court in a random bar like they’re regular people for absolutely no reason at all? I don’t trust it. 

Hannah Ann starts things off strong by giving Peter her latest Wine ‘N Design. She definitely brought this home beaming with pride, and then when her roommates claimed it “just doesn’t fit our aesthetic” decided she would present it to the Bachelor on national TV to shove it in their faces. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Hannah Ann might be drunk.

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What did you think of night 1? Who are your favs? Leave your reactions, comments, and questions below!! 🌹

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The night does not improve. I’m actually alarmed by the amount of women physically assaulting Peter with their lips. One girl even handcuffs him and makes him kiss her for the key! If this happens one more time, I’m calling a hotline. 

Okay, one girl who is KILLING it tonight is little Miss Hotel Lobby. At one point, Peter asks Kelley how she could possibly still be on the market and it’s like, okay what really happened in this lobby? ‘Cause I’m not buying that all that happened between them was one side hug and some small talk about the LA weather.

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann successfully manages to steal three more “quick chats” with Peter and even scores some light groping. I stand by my earlier comment about her being drunk. Classic.

It’s time to hand out the First Impression Rose, and my immediate thought is that it’s going to Kelley. I mean, it’s not every day you get a second chance with the girl who gave you a handie in the hotel lobby’s bathroom, amiright? So I’m shocked that he gives it to Hannah Ann. 

PETER: I really appreciate the aggressiveness. It really touched me. Seriously. You would not stop touching me. You wouldn’t leave me the f*ck alone. 

Awww. That’s sweet.

And that moves us into the rose ceremony. Truly, this episode is FLYING by. The rose ceremony is kind of a snooze. Production doesn’t even attempt to drum up the tension, and it goes about how you’d expect: Maurissa, Katrina, Kylie, Avonlea, Eunice, Jade, Jenna, and Megan all get the boot. Katrina, the girl whose bio read like my personal hellscape as she described every single person in her family being married (including her younger sister!!), doesn’t even have a full-blown panic attack on her way out. I’m disappointed. 

The First Group Date

Once again, we are moving at the speed of light through this episode, as it’s only 9pm and we are already getting into the first group date. After it’s announced who will be joining Peter on the group date, Peter casually swings by the Bach mansion in his plane, and all 20 women have one synchronized orgasm at the sight. 

For the group date, the women will be learning how to crochet. Kidding! OF COURSE it will be all about flying, because ABC is not done hammering home the fact that Peter is a pilot. And to instruct the women on the trials and tribulations of becoming a pilot, we are introduced to two of the most cynical, no-nonsense women I’ve ever seen on this franchise. It’s nice to feel represented for once. 

I love that ABC is trying to convince us that these 12 women are going to be able to fly a plane at the end of this when I’m almost certain they needed an extra 50 hours of driving school to pass their DMV test. Jesus, what is this, the GRE? What is with this math quiz?

Hot Victoria tells us that her biggest fear is motion sickness, which is fun because my biggest fear is crippling loneliness and looking into the yawning pit that is my career and future, but please tell me more about this traumatizing teacup ride from your childhood. 

This obstacle course post-flight school feels random, but I’m just thankful ABC didn’t actually think to put them in a plane after that. Little Miss Hotel Lobby wins the obstacle course and a private plane ride with Peter despite Tammy setting her aflame with her mind. I just love how pissed these girls are at Kelley. Like, yeah she cheated, but this is The Bachelor, a lawless land of a show. What did they expect?

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Hot Victoria is really playing up this illness thing. I mean, that’s why she’s wearing those heinous glasses, right? She’s trying to remind Peter that only hours ago she was vomiting up her breakfast because of the “motion sickness,” and not at all because Psycho Tammy put whole milk instead of almond milk in her morning coffee—look at this sacrifice she made for you, Peter!! 

We find out that the hotel they’re using for this cocktail hour is in fact the same hotel that Peter totally banged Kelley in. What fortuitous circumstances for our girl, Kel. Kelley is GIDDY with this information and is probably hoping to reenact their first bj “run-in” in the aforementioned hotel lobby tonight. And here I thought WWIII was going to start over that whole Iran thing, but now I’m thinking it might start in this very hotel lobby when the other girls find out Kelley’s secret. 

Peter gives Kelley the group date rose, and I’m happy for her. Usually the guys I meet in hotel lobbies, or random bars, or the parking lot of the World of Beer at 2am when everyone else has paired off for the night except for me and this last guy standing by a Toyota, don’t even give me a head nod the next time I bump into them, let alone a f*cking rose. Good for you, girl. Live the dream.

Madison’s One-On-One Date

Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the season, and I have nothing much to say about this except I’m offended by that little pink jersey dress. It’s less appropriate for a day date with America’s most eligible bachelor and more appropriate for the clearance section of my hometown’s Wet Seal. Do better, Madison.

Wait. Is Peter bringing her home for the first date? TO HIS PARENTS’ VOW RENEWAL?! And seated right up front in hot pink. Wow. Okay. And to think, my cousin wouldn’t even give me a plus-one to her wedding! I see how it is. 

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How do we get in this family?! Did you feel the love 🌹❤️🌹#thebachelor #bachelornation

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Madison is doing the most on this date. Not only does she give a little speech at the ceremony despite being a literal stranger to these people, she even lets Peter’s mom force feed her cake at one point, which has to be the first carb she’s eaten in her entire adult life.

I’m watching her recount this beautiful day she and Peter shared with each other and in my mind all I can think is: “this will not end well for you when the others find out.” 

I love how they like to emotionally masturbate to their parents’ love stories. It’s like a circle jerk for familial love. It’s so off-putting. “Oh, your parents have been together for 30 years? God that’s good! I love that! Give me more!” I bet Madison’s parents are divorced.

MADISON: You remind me of my dad, which is good because I have daddy issues.

Madison gets a rose at the end of the date, but I expected she would. She really earned it the second she pretended to eat that Costco party cake and enjoy it.

The Second Group Date

Peter starts things off by telling us he’s merely a puppet in the Greek tragedy the producers hope to make of his personal life, and that he has absolutely no idea what they’ve planned for this second group date. In fact, all he knows is that a “good friend” is the mastermind behind today’s group date. And what do you know! This “good friend” is none other than Hannah Brown! The devil works hard, but ABC works harder.

Hannah starts things off by telling the girls a fun story about the one time she f*cked the guy they’re all interested in, and that for the date they’re all going to have to bare their souls sexual sins to a live audience. It’s all in good fun and not at all an act of malicious jealousy! Nope!

Okay, wow, Hannah is having a tough time with this. Peter finds her crying in a back room and she tells him that she’s really struggling with helping him find his co-pilot. He’s like “oh, so that first night you weren’t just there because it’s in your contract? You might actually like me?” YES, YOU IDIOT! Did you see the dress she had on that night? My god!

Hannah says she still loves Peter and that she’s really f*cked up. I understand this sentiment. It’s something I said when I drunk dialed my ex boyfriend at midnight on New Year’s Eve. We’ve all been there, girl. It’s like, do you really miss him or do you just want to sabotage his future love and happiness because it will make you feel good? Neither is a wrong answer, by the way. 

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??? #thebachelor

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Honestly, I’m rooting for these two. When he says he wishes she would have asked him out on “After The Final Rose” instead of Tyler, my cold, dead heart started beating again. GAH JUST BE WITH HER ALREADY, PETER!!

PETER: Do you regret sending me home?
HANNAH: Yeah, Peter. All the time. 

YEAH PETER, ALL THE TIME. I AM UNWELL. 

You guys, it feels like they might get together? Idk, are we getting a new Bachelor next week?? Honestly, I wouldn’t be mad about it, but I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday to find out. Until then!

Images: Giphy (1); ABC (3); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @thebacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)

A Breakdown Of Peter’s Contestants On ‘The Bachelor’

After a long wait, this week ABC finally released the full bios of this season’s Bachelor contestants, and we have a lot to talk about. Yesterday, we went through all the tea that Chris Harrison spilled in the awkward Facebook Live announcement, and now we’re breaking down all 30 of the women vying for Pilot Pete’s heart. Seriously, why does it have to be 30 women? It’s just too much, but we do it for you. Keep reading so you can make informed predictions about which one of these fame-hungry women will come out of this with an engagement ring.

Alayah, 24, Miss Texas 2019

Alayah, not to be confused with Aaaliyah, enjoys “hanging out with her gals, drinking wine, and giving back to her community.” Why do I feel like one of those is a lie? I was about to write Alayah off as your typical basic bitch pageant queen, but then I saw that she lists her favorite social media platform as “Reddit” and I am intrigued. What subs does she frequent? Is she a sh*tposter? A mod? I feel like I need 100% more info about Miss Texas 2019’s Reddit use before I can pass a clear judgement. 

Avonlea, 27, Cattle Rancher

Okay first of all, who is naming people in Texas? “Avonlea” sounds like a skin care brand you find on Amazon that is actually made of glue. Actually, it sounds like an apartment complex in Atlanta. Whatever it sounds like, it does not sound like a name for a human woman. As far as the pic, why do I feel like this is the last face some of the girls on this season will see before they die? Avonlea has a degree in “ranch management,” which I’m pretty sure anyone can get if they watch Mary Kate and Ashley’s How the West Was Fun enough times. Avonlea claims that in addition to being a cattle rancher, she is also a model, which I’m pretty sure is a career path people only have in Hallmark movies

Alexa, 27, Esthetician

Alexa wins right off the bat for having the most normal name and for having the best job. If I were Pete I’d send the rest home right now and commence the free facials, but that’s just me. Alexa describes herself as a “free spirit hippie”, meaning she did acid at a music festival once. Her bio also says she is “all about love and acceptance, but at the same time this girl has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them.” Translation: Alexa is definitely the girl who does yoga every morning but will smack a bitch with a crystal if necessary. 

Courtney, 26, Cosmetologist 

Why do I feel like Courtney is about to fire me? She looks like the evil boss in literally every rom-com. Courtney describes herself as a “Florida girl through and through,” which I can only assume means she’s smoked meth in a pickup truck with a confederate flag bumper sticker at least once in her life. Her bio also says she is “extremely claustrophobic,” which is great for living in a house with 30 other women. I’m sure the producers won’t exploit that fear at all if she ever gets a date with Peter. No way.

Deandra, 23, Home Care Coordinator 

Deandra is one of 10 siblings, so she’s coming into the Bachelor Mansion with a strategic advantage over the other girls who have never shared a bathroom in their lives. She also apparently “hates EDM,” which is code for “got really depressed after taking too much molly once.” According to her bio, she has had one relationship in the past and is looking for “a man who will kill a spider while she runs away screaming.” Not sure what that first relationship was like, but the bar is clearly on the floor.

Eunice, 23, Flight Attendant 

Eunice is the first of THREE flight attendants on this season, because Bachelor producers have no chill. She describes herself as a “reformed party girl” and wants to come into this experience with a “clean slate” and leave her “sorority days” behind her. Damn Eunice…wtf did you do? Are you a criminal mastermind? You’re literally 23 years old. Why do you describe yourself like a grizzled old woman in the corner of an AA meeting? Maybe it just comes with the territory of being a 23-year-old named Eunice? Eunice then goes on to claim that her favorite holiday is Christmas because she “loves Christmas music,” but I have a sneaking suspicion its really because that is when her family was allowed to visit her in jail. 

Hannah Ann, 23 , Model

Congrats to Hannah Ann on not letting herself simply be another Bachelor girl named Hannah. You tack that “Ann” on there, girl. Live your life. Hannah’s bio claims that she is a model, but then goes onto say that “her parents are not only her role models, they are her landlords, as she still lives at home!” How successful of a model can you be if you still live in your parents’ basement in Tennessee? I’m unfortunately gonna have to call bullsh*t on Hannah Ann. Being a model and having a nice Instagram are two different things, my dear. 

Jade, 26, Flight Attendant 

Here we go. Another flight attendant. Jade is a former (maybe current? I can’t tell) Mormon who “faced a lot of pressure” from the church to get hitched, ultimately getting married at 22. But all that is behind her now! Now that her divorce is finalized, Jade is learning from the mistakes she made in getting married too soon by…*checks notes*…going on a reality television show where the premise is to get engaged after two months. Congrats to Jade on her growth!

Jasmine, 25, Client Relations Manager

Jasmine, a Client Relations Manager, has a golden retriever named Gnarles Barkley which I assume she will bring up 150 times per episode. (It’s what’s right.) Jasmine wants a guy who can “get her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday,” aka do the impossible. Or break into a Chick-Fil-A. Or has the foresight to buy Chick-Fil-a on a Saturday and bring it to her on Sunday. Either way, the girl wants chicken. Additionally, Jade says that she will “know she’s met the man of her dreams when he can help her build a table.” So basically, she wants a man to bring her food and build something for her to eat it on. I like Jasmine. 

Jenna, 22, Nursing Student

Jenna is a “fun, down to earth midwestern girl” who took a “life changing trip to Africa for a medical mission” (aka a safari where a bunch of white people visited a hospital for one second). She’s a “passionate foodie” who likes bowling and knitting. Okay Jenna, we get it. You’re a virgin good girl. Moving on… 

Kiarra, 23, Nanny

Kiarra describes herself as a person who enjoys “shopping, fashion, style, and anything involving social media,” which is a major red flag to me. Sure, we’re all addicted to social media, but we don’t enjoy it. Are you psycho? Kiarra also says that she “LOVES” talking, and is “very close with her mother.” So basically, she always has one million Insta stories and they’re all unbearable. Swipe! 

Katrina, 28, Pro Sports Dancer

Katrina’s parents are high school sweethearts, has a brother is marrying his high school sweetheart, and a sister who is also engaged, but lists her most serious relationship as being with “her hairless cat, Jasmine.” Yikes. Katrina says she and Jasmine “literally do everything together,” meaning she either never leaves the house (not great) or is one of those people who brings a cat around on a leash (worse). Katrina also reveals that last year for Halloween, she dressed as her hairless cat Jasmine, and also had the cat dress up as her. In short, Katrina is a serial killer and we need to protect Peter from her at all costs.  

Kelley, 27, Attorney

Kelley is a “modern woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her,” and yet, here she is, on The Bachelor, competing with 30 other women to date one boring pilot. She says her last relationship was an “international long-distance affair” that had her “traveling to Jordan once or twice a month” but ended when she wouldn’t move to the Middle East. Look, I’m not gonna say this was definitely a sugar baby situation, but if the Seeking Arrangement profile fits…

Kelsey, 28, Professional Clothier

Kelsey is a “professional clothier” meaning she either owns a store, is a fashion designer, or is in debt from selling Lularoe. She’s a former Miss Iowa who describes herself as “having many layers like an onion.” So basically she quoted Shrek in her Bachelorette bio, and we simply have to stan. Kelsey also wants us all to know that thanks to her “frequent Pilates classes” she is in “peak physical and spiritual form,” meaning she will absolutely be the really competitive girl who gets legitimately pissed when she loses a relay race on the first group date. Her bio also includes the line, “at 28, she has presumably lived more life than many of the other girls.” At 29, reading that made me want to flush my laptop down the toilet. 

Kylie, 26, Entertainment Sales Associate

Okayyy, off-brand Heidi Klum! Kylie’s photo looks literally looks like it could be for a Hallmark version of Project Runway called Operation Catwalk or some sh*t. Not a bad thing, just saying. Kylie is apparently coming out of a three-year relationship that ended with cheating, and has shunned men ever since. Apparently she rejected the last guy who tried to kiss her by saying she didn’t want to ruin her makeup. Auf wiedersehen! 

Lauren, 26, Marketing Executive 

Lauren is a former Laker Girl who describes herself as a “boss woman,” aka the boring older cousin to the “boss bitch.” She also mentions that she’s “always open to a good game of tonsil hockey,” meaning that she will definitely be the one who goes in for a sloppy makeout session night one that has wayyy too much tongue and sounds. I’m already cringing. The craziest part of her bio is when she says she conducts “exit interviews” with all her exes to figure out what went wrong. What does this even mean? Do they fill out forms? Sign an NDA? Does she provide them severance? Should I start doing this?

Lexi, 26, Marketing Coordinator

Getting some serious “evil temptress” vibes from Lexi here, but that could just be anti-redhead prejudice. In her bio, Lexi says that she would “rather be buried alive than trapped in a room filled with frogs,” which like…when would that ever happen? Is this a scenario she’s been in before? Who is trapping her? How many frogs? The only way I could ever imagine this happening is if a boy in your middle school class frees all the frogs from being dissected in a manic act of heroism, à la Elliot in ET. Otherwise, it’s just not happening. Maybe somebody needs to tell her that this is The Bachelor and not Fear Factor. She also adds that “nothing turns her off more than people who are desperate.” Have fun asking 29 other women if you can “steal” their boyfriend “for a sec” every time you want to get a glimpse at him! 

Madison, 23, Foster Parent Recruiter

I want to make a comment on the scary perfection of Madison’s teeth and her extremely bold earring choice, but her job is literally to connect orphaned children with foster parents so I would legally go to Hell if I said that. She’s looking for a man who will “prioritize faith and family” before everything else and has the “same religious values” as her, so you know she’s that girl who finds a way to work Jesus into every conversation. Chill, Madison. I’m just trying to ask directions to the nearest Arby’s. 

Maurissa, 23, Patient Care Coordinator

Maurissa was crowned Miss Teen Montana, but says it was “the worst time of her life,” confirming my suspicion that being in pageants is f*cking terrible. Here’s the part of her bio I don’t get: she says pageants caused her body issues despite being “average sized” for a teen girl, then later goes on to say that she recently lost 80 pounds. Eighty! After being average sized?? Wouldn’t an “average sized” teenager who lost 80 pounds be like…40 pounds? I feel like there is a crucial piece of this story missing. Did she go from being average sized to above average and then back down again? All between the ages of 13 and 23? Far be it for me to critique another woman’s weight loss journey, but I need answers!

Megan, 26, Flight Attendant

And here we have flight attendant #3, Megan, whose mom and grandma were also both flight attendants. Megan has the distinction of being the most flight attendant looking flight attendant of all the flight attendants, so that’ll be nice for Peter. Is anyone else getting the feeling that we’re going into another Arie Luyendyk Jr. situation where the Bachelor’s whole personality is just his job? Better than being known as “the virgin,” tho…

Mykenna, 22, Fashion Blogger

Mykenna is a Canadian fashion blogger who loves to “curate chic outfits,” so you know she’s one of those girls who posts #ootd pics that literally no one has asked for, and live streams her nightly skin care routine to one viewer (her mom). She says she’s inspired by her grandparents’ love because they were together 61 years and her grandpa proposed on the first date. No wonder she sees no problem getting engaged on The Bachelor

Natasha, 31, Event Planner

Natasha, a 31-year-old event planner, is “here to prove that mysterious is sexy” and “makes her presence known every time she enters a room.” Uh…is Natasha a ghost? Or does the franchise just consider any woman over 30 legally dead? What else does Natasha do? Walk through walls? Open and close the cabinets? Clang her chains throughout the night trying to warn the living about a terrible fate that is to come? Can’t wait to find out! 

Payton, 23, Business Development Rep

Payton describes herself as “the type of woman who goes into a bar alone and leaves with 100 new best friends,” aka she is annoying as f*ck. She lives in her parents’ basement which…okay…times are tough, I guess. She also recently found out that she had a long lost sister via some “serious Facebooking,” which, if true, puts her in the online stalking hall of fame. Ten bucks says she was going down a rabbit hole of looking at pictures of her high school ex’s new girlfriend that kind of looks like her, only to realize they had the same dad. Inspiring.

Sarah, 24, Medical Radiographer

I mean, you could tell Sarah’s bio would say “southern belle” before even reading it. And then there it is, right in the first sentence. Southern belle. Why do I feel like that will be the extent of Sarah’s personality on this show?

Savannah, 27, Realtor

Savannah is another Texas girl who says her “favorite thing to do to pass time is sit on her back porch and feed the local turtles” which is why she has given herself the nickname “the Turtle Princess.” IDK what’s worse, giving yourself a nickname, or having that nickname be “the Turtle Princess.” She is genuinely so lucky the producers didn’t list “Turtle Princess” as her profession. Contestants on this show have been roasted for much, much less. 

Shiann, 27, Administrative Assistant

Okay, I’m just gonna say it. Shiann looks like she smelled something weird in this photo, and being that she is from Las Vegas, she probably did. She lists her favorite body part as her “lower back,” so I can only assume she has an elaborate tramp stamp. Again, she is from Las Vegas. She was also a competitive horseback rider growing up, meaning we’ve officially got a horse girl in the race, people! Thank God. 

Sydney, 24, Retail Marketing Manager

Sydney is a retail marketing manager who loves to “hike, dance, and plan fantasy vacations for her and her future husband.” Hmm…I’m gonna call a red flag on that one. Sydney is giving me serious “already has a photoshopped baby album of her and Peter that she will present to him at the night one cocktail party” vibes. Run, before she busts out the love fern. 

Tammy, 24, House Flipper

Tammy, a “house flipper” (aka an HGTV aficionado), says in her bio that in high school she tried to join the boys wrestling team in high school but was turned away so she “responded by showing up to every practice and pushing forward a Title IX complaint until they accepted her.” The feminist killjoy in me approves, though I’m sure it made her exactly zero friends. Tammy also hasn’t told her mom she’s going to be on The Bachelor yet, which is exactly how Bekah M. got herself reported missing back in Ari’s season. Hope it happens again! 

Victoria F, 25, Medical Sales Rep

Victoria F. is another one of those girls whose whole personality is “I have a dog.” Her bio states that she “wants a man who can not only give her unconditional love, but can also give that love to her dog Buxton because they are a package deal.” Is this a problem she has encountered? Is she really meeting men who are like, “yeah you’re great but you gotta dump your dog”? Of course you and your dog are a package deal. It’s your dog. Just don’t date someone who is allergic and you should be fine…

Victoria P, 27, Nurse

Gonna say it right now: I am scared sh*tless of Victoria P. Why do I feel like this girl just walked up to me in the hallway and asked me where I got my skirt, only to call it the ugliest effing skirt she’s ever seen two seconds later? Why do I feel like Victoria P. wore army pants and flip-flops, so now I must wear army pants and flip-flops? Victoria’s biggest fears are “murky waters she can’t see and chicken served on the bone.” My biggest fear is our parents becoming friends and forcing us to hang out outside of school. Terrifying.

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