We talk a lot on this site about how to take the perfect pic, and by now you’ve probably mastered this very important life skill. You know who hasn’t mastered it, though? Every guy ever, minus the gays. It’s not really their fault. Most guys are so overly comfortable with themselves that they’ve never had a care about photos in their life. It’s just not something they’re taught. Have you ever seen a bro use skinny arm? Fuck no. A guy will flash a full-on dad bod and think he looks like Channing Tatum. They also don’t post photos as much, and when they do, they often rely on us to make them look good, which I meannnn, isn’t a terrible strategy, but still, work with us here. Even the most photogenic betch can’t save a photo when the person next to her is a permanent blur.
So what to do about this predicament when we have boyfriends, guy friends guys who want to be our boyfriends, brothers, etc. that we’d like to incorporate into our flawless social media aesthetic? Here are some suggestions to help the guys in your life not ruin your amazing pics:
1. Help Them Make Smart Wardrobe Choices
We understand that this is sometimes out of your control, and by no means are we endorsing you texting a fuckboy asking him to wear a certain shade of purple because it complements your eyes. But like if you have that power, and you know it’s a day when pics will be taken, then by all means. No Instagram filter can get rid of a basketball jersey.
2. Bring Sunglasses
Especially in the summer, this can make or break a picture. Unlike us, most guys haven’t been trained to stare directly into the sun for optimal lighting purposes, so sunglasses are essential. This also solves the issue of drunk eyes or the plain inability to look normal while sober. When in doubt, sunnies on.
3. If It’s A Group Shot, Don’t Put All The Guys Together
Because first of all, we’re not in eighth grade. And second of all, this is just a recipe for disaster. Depending on the crowd they’ll either be super stiff and awkward, or worse, striking some “hilarious” poses that will make you want to throw your phone off of the rooftop bar you’re on.
4. Physically Pose Them If They’re Struggling
If a guy is angled directly towards the camera with his hands in the pockets ready to be photographed, then you are morally obligated to intervene and stop that travesty from occurring. He won’t take offense and will without a doubt be thanking you later on for the pro tip.
5. Say Something To Make Them Laugh
We all know the power of a good candid and like some other things I can think of, guys are pretty bad at faking them. Even if it elicits only somewhat of a genuine smile, that’s better than the look of genuine pain that’s bound to show up at first.
6. Take A LOT Of Pictures
It’s the only way to ensure you’ll get a decent one. For every 15 photos you’ll probably get one that’s actually useable, so thank your photographer in advance for giving up an hour of their day.
Keeping all these suggestions in mind, you *should* be able to get a solid picture with even the most camera-shy men in your life. And if not, fuck it. We all know you’re still posting it anyway as long as you look skinny, so just throw it up there. At least we can say we tried.
Aside from choosing a method of getting blackout this weekend, picking a profile picture is one of the most important decisions a betch can make. Sure, you might look like a human disaster wrapped in yoga pants 80 percent of the time in real life, but social media is forever. Not only is your Facebook page the first real impression you make on the hot guy(s) you made out with at Coachella, but it’s also what people from high school see when they’re idly stalking you after your moms get together for brunch back home. Obviously, your profile picture has to be flawless in every way.
The only problem is that you might think your current prof pic makes you appear like the appropriate combination of successful, fuckable, and free-spirited, but according to science, nobody else agrees.
In a study from the University of New South Wales, psychologists found that it’s actually a way better idea to let strangers pick your profile picture than to rely on the brutal honesty of your BFF or your own terrible judgment. Researchers asked 102 students to pick two photos of themselves to be used in three situations: social media, dating apps, and a professional site (ugh). Then they were given photos of someone else in the study and asked to do the same thing, choosing three profile pictures for a stranger. Finally, researchers showed the chosen photos to a different group of randos and made them rate the pictures for science.
According to their results, we’re spectacularly terrible at picking our own profile pictures, but we’re great at choosing them for other people. In the study, the photos chosen by a stranger were consistently rated better than the self-chosen kind. So you might think your picture looks like this:
But actually it’s more like this.
As if making the most infinitesimal change to my profile wasn’t stressful enough, now I have to find out I look like a monster in my main photo? From now on, I’m only ever posting anything when it’s been approved by a committee of my peers.
The good news for you guys is that, as a total stranger, I can tell you what to do with your profile picture. You’re welcome.
DO: Face The Camera
It’s ridiculous that I have to specify this, but judging from my Facebook feed, specify I must. Face the fucking camera in your profile picture. It’s there for people to identify you, and that’s impossible if your pic shows nothing but the back of your ombréd head, which looks like all the other ombréd heads out there. Also maybe consider a new dye job because ombré has been on its way out since it came in, in like 2014.
DON’T: Use A Selfie
You know you’re a narcissistic hottie, but do you really want to advertise it? Besides, using a selfie makes you look like you have no friends to take a photo for you, which might be true but I doubt you want that known. The obvious exception is Instagram, where selfies reign supreme.
DO: Pick Something That Makes You Look Cool
Yes, it’s bragging, but isn’t that what social media is for? Go forth and upload that pic of you paddleboarding in the Bahamas. Nobody needs to know it was from 2014 and you fell off the board immediately after—they do need to think you’re way cooler than you are.
DON’T: Include A Kid
Unless that child is the fruit of your personal loins, don’t include a kid in your profile pic. If you do, I guarantee you’ll never get laid again because every potential Tinder date will assume it’s yours. Or you’ll get asked on dates by people “looking to start a family,” which is way worse than celibacy if you ask me.
DO: Smize Like Tyra Asked You To
Put those America’s Next Top Model marathons to use and pick something where you’re smiling. Just don’t smile too much, because then your eyes get all scrunched and, even worse, someone might start to doubt your reputation for heartlessness.
DON’T: Be A Face In A Crowd
Facebook is for stalking someone you just met until you know everything about their lives. How are people supposed to do that when they can’t tell which pink-clad sorority girl is supposed to be you in your profile picture? I’m all for girl power, but save that shit for a cover photo.
