Now that dating apps are like chill to use (kinda), you’re probably on a few of them. The way bros swipe is honestly exhausting, while betches are more selective of who they let past their filter. Unfortunately, the swipe-right-all-the-time attitude of bros means you’ll need to actually try harder to get his attention when you match. Not like, try hard, but more than doing nothing. It used to be that we could just get away with a “hey” but Bumble basically forced us to let bros know we’re witty and hot first instead of letting them do the courting before we decide if we should try. But, yay feminism, right?
Now betches are forced with dealing with a problem that used to be reserved for the bros: What do you message without sounding lame? Here are a few ideas, you’re welcome. Not all apps require betches to message first, but you might as well take note here, since Tinder is a wasteland and most bros get their pickup lines from the internet anyway.
1. “You want to get out of here?” It’s flirty but it doesn’t make any sense so it will grab his attention without sounding desperate.
2. “What should I say to this cute guy on Tinder?” and then message him after that with “Oh no! This isn’t Google search is it.” It’s playful but lets him know you have a sense of humor.
3. “If I told you I’m a time traveler from the future, what’s the one thing you want to know?” This one’s for the secret nerd betches and is great because it gets the conversation started with a question that isn’t just “where are you from?” But depending on how he answers, you can still learn a lot from him.
4. “I bet I can guess your favorite movie.” Or insert any other favorite in there. Then guess Fight Club. I mean, there’s an 80% chance you’re right. But it doesn’t matter if you’re wrong because you have something to talk about. And if he says it’s not Fight Club, hide your shock just say “good, I was hoping you’d say that”.
5. Tell him something about yourself that’s vaguely related to his profile, like “I went to London this year too but I don’t have a dog as cute as yours” if he has a picture in London and one with his dog. Literally it doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as it’s specific and somewhat interesting.
6. Suggest something fun to do that isn’t drinks and make it specific. For example, “Want to get ice cream?” or “You want to go on a taco crawl?” He’ll appreciate the initiative and because you already suggested something to do you’re taking the pressure off him planning. Chances are he’ll still take you out on a proper date first, so whatever casual thing you mentioned can be on deck for a second date.
7. “I think you’re pretty.” If we had a dime for every time a bro said “you’re pretty” to us, we’d still have no use for dimes. But sometimes a simple opener is the best, and instead of calling him cute or hot, just call him pretty.
8. “You have good taste.” This is a little cheeky but it will show him that you’re honest and confident about yourself. He has good taste for swiping right on you, but you also are letting him know that you’re into him too. When in doubt, just bring it back to you. You are, after all, trying to show him who you are so he’ll want to date you.
Bros, this article is for you because I know at least 75% of you are currently huddled over your iPhones with 3 of your bros like, “Dude! Just write ‘when you’re ready come and get it’ and hit send! Works 60% of the time, every time.” No, it doesn’t. If it did, you wouldn’t need Tinder. But since you do need Tinder or some other dating app that relies upon societal conventions aka you sending the first message, you also need our advice. I’ve spent a lot of time on dating apps and I hate a lot of things most guys try to say to me, so I’m the perfect person to tell you how not to approach me.
Don’t: Start your message with “hey beautiful,” “hey sexy,” or even worse, “hey girl.”
I think most girls would agree with me that having someone I don’t know call me beautiful makes me gag more than…well, my own finger. Or the word “moist.” Don’t be that guy. The way to a betch’s heart is not through her gag reflex. (Yes, I know how that sounded but I stand by my previous statement.)
What’s your end game? I say thank you and you’re all, “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?” Yeah no thanks, if I wanted to have some guy compliment me only to be like “Oh okay, actin’ all cocky and shit… fuck you bitch you’re not even cute anyway,” I’d literally walk down the fucking street. It’s a no from me.
Also don’t get me started on “hey girl…” Yes I am a girl, thanks for noticing, Stevie Wonder. Am I supposed to be flattered? Unless you’re an actual rapper or Ryan Gosling, you cannot pull this off. Until that happens, quit using memes as your pickup inspiration, or at least check out some new memes—like, ones that have been created after 2009.
Do: Compliment something specific about my appearance.
“Love your hair,” or “gorgeous smile,” or “break me off a piece of dat ass!” See, now we can debate the merits of Tresemmé vs. Herbal Essences, and bond over getting our braces done in fifth grade by Dr. Silverstein. Btw I was just kidding about that last one, making sure you’re paying attention.
**Sidenote: This bro will tell you that starting a conversation with “hey cutie ;)” is a surefire way to get into a girl’s pants. I say, tread carefully. Some girls like being called cute. Some (hi) will want to bash you over the head because you basically just equated her to a small child.
Don’t: Use a stupid pickup line.
“If I flipped a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?” “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.” “Are you from Jamaica? Cause Jamaican me crazy, girl.”…Basically anything involving a pun qualifies as “stupid” and should be left to my dad when he’s drunk and trying to entertain people.
Basically, don’t ever use one of these corny pickup lines unless you’re prepared for me to answer with, “Did it hurt? When you fell down from heaven and landed on your head?”
Do: Try to come up with something witty based off my profile, or point out shit we have in common.
The ability to read is a trait that is highly coveted among females in search of a mate. It’s called evolution, look it up.
Don’t: Read too much into it.
Yes, I’m wearing a Superman shirt in my fifth picture. No, I do not want to discuss my favorite Superman story arc with you. I haven’t even seen Man of Steel. It was just a Halloween costume.
Don’t: Not say anything
If I wanted to be the one to make the first move, we’d be on Bumble rn and this article would be moot.
Do: Ask me what I’m up to tonight/this weekend.
Odds are my plans are more fun than yours, and what betch doesn’t like talking about herself? I mean, that’s basically the tag line of this site. Plus if you tell me what you’re doing I can automatically rule out one place I will not be going. Unless you’re going to buy a round for me and all my friends. Then maybe we can talk.
Good luck guys, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
Catcalling is the basic bitch of trying to pick up girls. But just because you’re not getting yelled at on the streets by a stranger doesn’t mean you won’t run into some lame pickup lines while you’re at a bar or literally anywhere where bros hang out. They will try, and they will fail. If you get one of these terrible pickup lines tried on you, here’s the best way to respond.
1. Does Your Boyfriend Know You’re Here?
Ugh, this one is creepy and sexist and heteronormative, because he’s basically asking you if you’re single by implying you have a boyfriend. Now he expects you to either tell him you actually don’t have a boyfriend, which would sound like you’re into him, or tell him you do. Either way, whether you’re single or not has nothing to do with the fact that you wouldn’t want to date him anyway. Typical fuckboy, to respect a non-existent boyfriend more than he respects you. If he asks you this, just reply with another question, “Does your mom know you left your basement?” and don’t engage with him anymore.
2. If I Buy You A Drink, Are You Going To Ditch Me Right After?
He’s trying to get trigger the “I’m not like most girls” reaction, but you know better. If girls ditch him after he buys them drinks, it’s probably because he sucks. And he just saved you a shitty conversation by letting you know that. Tell him, “How about I buy myself a drink and you ditch this pathetic attempt to talk to me.”
3. What’s Your Sign?
This one is just bad game, and I’m not really sure if people actually ask this outside of bad sitcoms, but at least he’s not being a fuckboy. He’s probably just an awkward guy or a middle school boy, but if he’s cute and you want to talk to him, you can flirt back with him with something like “why, are you trying to steal my identity?” because you don’t actually want to talk about your horoscope sign. If he’s not, just tell him “whatever one’s least compatible with you”.
4. Did It Hurt When You Fell From Heaven?
Cheesy pickup lines are for pickup artists, because if he was a normal dude he’d just say hi to you. No matter how charming he seems, he probably does this all the time. Just shove him and say “oh shit, my cover’s blown” and then run away.
5. I Usually Don’t Do This, But I Just Had To Tell You That You’re Beautiful.
He thinks that by giving you a compliment you already owe him something. Plus, any guy who says “I usually don’t do this” is really trying to say “this is what I do all the time”—just like how after every one-night stand you say “OMG I like, never go home with random people!” Just start freaking out and saying “I have NEVER heard that before, wow, that is crazy I can’t believe you just said that” as if this is the first time you’ve ever been complimented. Eventually he’ll get creeped out and leave you alone.
6. I Bet We’d Have Great Sex.
Online dating has made guys say dumb shit like this like it’s the new hello. It’s like, obviously you’d have great sex, because you’re just good at sex so all sex with you is great. That doesn’t mean you’re going to have sex with him. Just reply “Too bad I’m not into gamblers” and definitely watch your drink until he leaves.
7. You Must Be Tired, Because You’ve Been Running Around In My Head All Day.
Interesting, because you’re about to run away from him. Tell him, “oh you mean like this?” and run around him until he gets dizzy, then tip him over like a cow and walk away. That’s called a quick bar workout.
What type of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!