Although the last episode of The Office aired nearly five years ago, the series is still basically the most important thing in all of our lives. This show is probably the only reason any of us keep paying for Netflix (or, more accurately, keep praying that our exes don’t change their Netflix passwords). In a continued effort to keep Dunder Mifflin relevant in our horrible, paperless world, I’ve decided to create a guide to finding which The Office character you are based on your zodiac sign. I mean, a girl can only cry over Jim proposing at a gas station so many times before it’s considered pathetic, so I really wrote these Office horoscopes more for myself than any of you.
Aries – Phyllis Vance
If you’re an Aries, you’re totally a Phyllis. You’re super organized and hardworking, so like, you’d definitely be on Dunder Mifflin’s party planning committee. Although you like to be helpful, you also don’t take shit from anyone. Phyllis loves to call a bitch out—remember the iconic “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout”? One of the most savage clap-backs of all time.
Taurus – Jan Levinson
Tauruses have a reputation for being bossy, so sorry to break it to you, but you’re all Jan Levinsons. It’s also not uncommon for a Taurus to hate puns, aka every word that comes out of Michael Scott’s mouth. Like Tauruses, Jan still loves to get lit even though she’s a professional. Like, you’d all hook up with Michael, but wouldn’t ever want anyone to know.
Gemini – Jim Halpert
Has anyone ever embodied the Gemini spirit quite like Jim Halpert? He’s like, half sarcastic fuckboy and half hardworking dream husband all in one. Because they get bored easily, Geminis love to think outside the box, are pretty funny, and love acting, which is like, the recipe for the ultimate prankster.
Cancer – Angela Martin
Around coworkers, Cancers like to stay private and are known for being modest. If that doesn’t sound like Angela and her collection of cotton turtlenecks from the American Girl Doll store, I don’t know what does. Like Angela, Cancers get the job done, but really just want to be left alone in their crabby little shells. Sorry, but you’re all basically born to be cat ladies.
Leo – Kelly Kapoor
Kelly Kapoor is confident that she’s one of the few people who looks good eating a cupcake, and that might just be the most Leo shit ever. Kelly loves having a good time as much as she loves her new haircut, but she’s also v ambitious and a good friend. She’s also like, extremely enthusiastic about most of the things that happen at an effing paper company, which is a feat only a Leo could pull off.
Virgo – Toby Flenderson
Sorry, but in the workplace, Virgos are usually about as exciting as the last season of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Sure, they’re professional and responsible, but like… ugh even writing this description is putting me to sleep. You get the idea. Someone’s gotta be the HR guy in an earth-tone suit, and it’s most likely going to be a Virgo.
Libra – Kevin Malone
Libras like to chill TF out at work, just like Kevin Malone, who don’t talk lot cause little word do trick. Libras really like to be liked, and Kevin is basically the human version of a golden retriever. While it’s usually totally fine with a Libra to poke fun at them, because they love joking around and pleasing everyone, make sure to do it in small doses. For example, it’s totally fair game to challenge Kevin, or any Libra, to a hot dog eating contest, but forcing him to eat raw broccoli in the middle of a meeting is taking it way too far.
Scorpio – Oscar Nunez
At work, Scorpios will totally get the job done if you just leave them alone, and we all know that Oscar is one of the few people who actually gets anything accomplished at Dunder Mifflin. Although he has a tendency to keep to himself, he’s also discreetly a total savage, just like all of you shady Scorpio betches. Scorpios can be super secretive, which is obv a quality Oscar has. I mean, hello, he had an affair with Angela’s husband.
Sagittarius – Michael Scott
Here’s the thing. Sagittarians can be as positive as an inspirational quote caption on a thirst trap’s selfie, but they can also flip TF out the second everything isn’t rainbows and butterflies, so you’re definitely Michael Scott. You’re all totally impulsive, but don’t truly follow through on all of your insane plans. For an example of this kind of typical Sagittarius behavior, watch every single episode of The Office. (Before Steve Carrell got too famous for the show and it went to shit. Duh.)
Capricorn – Dwight Schrute
Dwight’s birthday is actually January 20, which means the character himself is a Capricorn. This is totally unsurprising, because his storyline is so Capricorn. He’s really ambitious, but he’s so obsessed with being a faithful friend to Michael that it gets in the way of his career goals. Like, sorry, but Capricorn is basically just another word for Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Aquarius – Erin Hannon
At work, Aquarians are bubbly and friendly, but they’re also weird as shit, just like Erin. When you think about it, Erin is potentially the weirdest character of them all (except for like, maybeee Nellie, but it’s a close call). Every time you learn something new about Erin, you feel like you know her less. She once worked at a Taco Bell Express and had to quit when she couldn’t handle its change to a regular Taco Bell. That’s some quirky bullshit an Aquarius would love to tell you about, for sure.
Pisces – Pam Beesly
Artistic, sensitive, and devoted are all traits that both Pam Beesly and the average Pisces share. Like Pam, Pisces are very empathetic towards others, which explains why she gets stuck dealing with all of Michael’s shit and you probably get stuck hearing all of your friends’ relationship drama.
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