Sad news for the basic among us, those liquid glitter phone cases you probably considered buying but then realized are incredibly tacky are apparently extremely dangerous. According to an ABC news report, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a recall on several models of iPhone cases made by the company MixBin, because their mesmerizing glitter liquid was leaking out and burning people. Umm…wow. Who knew literally every girl who ordered a unicorn frappuccino un-ironically was also in possession of such a dangerous weapon? Sorry to all the Beckys of the world. I know your community has been hit the hardest. It’s survival of the least basic, or whatever it was that Darwin guy was talking about. This whole incident got us thinking, if glitter cases are the uniform for the basic, what do other iPhone cases mean? The phone case is, after all, wayyy more than just a tool to protect your phone from water damage. It also tells the world precisely how much of a hot mess you are. Honestly, dating apps should have a section where you’re asked to describe your phone case and whether or not you’re rocking an Android. It would save all of us a lot of trouble. So for those of you who are wondering what your phone case says about you, here is our heavily made up researched assessment:
Indestructible/Battery Phone Cases – The Reformed Mess
You’ve been burned one too many times, haven’t you? The carefree college days of taking your naked-ass phone out to the club and coming back with it shattered into a thousand pieces are finally over, and and now that your parents won’t pay for your replacements anymore you’re slightly older, it’s time to get serious. Maybe it was the time you put a full stiletto through your iPhone 4, or maybe it was the time your phone died and you lost everyone at Coachella, but you are done with the near-death experiences for now. Sure, your case ain’t cute, but it could literally get run over by a truck (you know because it has been) and comes with 3x the charge, meaning you can take as many Insta stories as you want without fear of hitting 1%. Honestly, good for you.
LuMee Case – The Selfie Freak
Your Insta followers recently hit the thousands and you just cannot risk bad lighting at this point in your hoeism career. We get it. You’re the girl who fills my feed with 10-20 perfectly lit, facetuned selfies daily, and for some reason I just cannot unfollow. Any time you pull out your phone for a pic, 15 randoms show up to hop in it because they know the picture will come out amazing and get a thousand likes. In many ways, this case has become your full-time job. Good luck with your life as a knock-off Kardashian. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
The Wallet Phone Case – The Mess
Phone, keys, wallet? Yeah, that’s way too many things. You can barely remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember both a phone AND a wallet. Nah. You need to minimize the damage you will inevitably do to your life on any given weekend by consolidating your shit into one easily remembered package. Honestly, if you can find a way to attach that shit to your body, maybe by sewing it into your hair or something, that would probably be best. The upside to this lifestyle is that you have less shit to drag around with you when you’re drunk and tryna be free. The downside is that when you do inevitably lose this, you’ve lost literally your entire life. But that’s also like, fine. You’ve fucked up worse and lived.
Personalized – The Psycho
This one goes out to the girl I saw senior year of college whose phone case was literally a bedazzled picture of her own face. You think I forgot that shit? No fucking way. I’ll never forget it. Sometimes I wake up with a cold sweat in the middle of the night still thinking about the unique set of life events that would lead a person to get a phone case of their own damn face. Wow. I’m actually getting upset thinking about it. Moving on…
Graphic Cases – The One That DGAF
Congratulations, betch! You don’t give a fuck to such a degree that you spent $20 on a paper-thin case that does nothing all because it has a funny/sarcastic/betchy saying on it. Honestly, you’re doing everything right. Either that, or you have no personality and are using the bold statement on your phone case to mask your inability to be bold in your actual life. Either way, we dig your style. And not just because we literally sell these cases. That’s totally not why. Don’t worry about it. But I mean, if you want to buy one…
Wooden/Marble/Whatever – The Real Adult
Okay. You’re classy. We get it. You “have a bank account” and “know your credit score” and shit. Good for you. Aren’t you fucking fancy. Enjoy your investments. You disgust me.
No Phone Case – The Dangerous Renegade
You live on the edge, and it disturbs me. What type of Patrick Bateman-ass rich psycho are you that you can just let your naked phone float around in the world with nothing to protect it? What if you drop it? What if you stand up and forget it is in your lap and it falls on the ground? What if you’re drunk and it falls out of your pocket while you’re in the bathroom and lands in the toilet? THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! Your devil-may-care attitude is affecting not only your life, but the life of your precious phone. You know what, that’s it. I’m calling the FBI.
READ: The Best Portable Phone Chargers So You Can Stop Bothering The Bartender
We all know the feeling: you want to work out, but you also want to be looking at your phone every second of every day. Sigh. This is what we get for living in a modern society, I suppose. It’s like, how is one supposed to concentrate on getting their bikini body when there are potentially Bachelorette-related comment threads they could be missing? What if while I’m trying to get a thigh gap, someone tags me in a crucial and time-sensitive meme? Or, worse yet, what if you’re getting zen in savasana and end up missing a text? Nightmare. Luckily, we here at Betches are dedicated to you living your best life which means never, ever missing a notification. Sure, being both physically fit and up on all the latest trending hashtags may seem like a lot, but we believe in you. You can do it. In fact, we’ve proven it with a new video that is scientifically designed to burn maximum calories and gain maximum likes. All you have to do is follow our fitness model’s moves exactly and you’ll be on your way to having your own successful Fitstagram. That’s what we all really want, isn’t it?
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Being dead inside is an art. And sure, you’ve been perfecting it basically since the day you were born. I mean, who doesn’t remember the first time they put on an all black ensemble and thought, “Yes. This is me now.” But what should you do on the rare occasion when you want to express emotion? Like, one minute you’re going through your day, giving zero fucks and being devoid of all feelings, and then suddenly your friend tags you in a meme that makes you feel…dare I say…alive? For the rare moments that make your grinch heart grow three sizes, here are the emojis you should use to convey your momentary experience of human emotion.
Laughing/Crying Face
Use this emoji when you want to convey a level of laughter beyond “haha” and “lol.” Like, sure, you could just say “crying,” but will your friend really get the visual without tears streaming out of the eyes of your cartoon avatar? Save this one for when your run across a fire meme, or when a friend hits you with some amazing gossip that actually made you almost display emotion on your face while you were reading it. Not that you would ever actually do such a thing. WARNING: Some people overdo this emoji and end up looking like a psycho. Keep it to 1-3 of these little guys in a row to avoid seeming like the type of person who thinks everything is funny, and not the modern-day Wednesday Addams that you are.
Heart Eye Face
Every once in a while, someone will send you something that actually makes your cold, black heart start to beat again. 9/10 this will be a photo of a dog, preferably wearing some kind of an outfit. In these instances, the heart eye emoji is not only appropriate, but necessary. How else will your fuckboy know that the gif he sent you of a Corgi doing pilates worked and he has permission to ask you to come over later?
Screaming Face
One of the dangers of using the internet is that you will often encounter something so horrifying that even you, a woman who watches 10 dark AF Netflix documentaries a day and feels nothing, will be moved to say “omg.” In these instances, the screaming emoji is 100% appropriate. Remember though, only use this for really horrifying stuff, like that photo that’s been going around of a colon full of 3 years worth of poop, or literally anything Trump does.
Smiling Devil Baby
Every once in a while —and I mean once in a while—you’ll find yourself in a very particular mood and actually want to spend time with people, usually with the aid of copious amounts of alcohol. Usually this will happen on a random summer night when your allergies aren’t keeping you indoors, or a day where you wake up with great skin and want everyone in the world to know. It’s one of those days where you wake up win the morning and immediately think, “I’m gonna get fucked up tonight.” In order to properly convey this mood in your group chat, send a little smiling devil emoji with a “Who’s going out tonight?” attached. Your friends will immediately know that tonight will be one for the history books and start faking a cough in front of their boss so they can call out sick tomorrow.
Clapping Hands
Let’s face it, even you can get heated sometimes. Like when when you thought Bachelor in Paradise wasn’t happening, or some old man in the Senate is trying to make your birth control mad expensive. Sure, you could use a series of all caps tweets to convey that you are, in fact, yelling, but what if you want people to know that you are both yelling and clapping? If you’re actually being moved to emotion, you know that you’re choosing your words carefully. So why not emphasize them by placing a clapping hand after every.single.word?
Praying Hands
You spend most of your life in a daze of not giving a fuck, rolling your eyes, and feeling vaguely sleepy. Chill. But what happens when you like, actually want something to happen? Like for the custom swimsuit you ordered to arrive in time for your Hamptons trip, or for there to be food at the party you’re going to later? In these cases, it’s time to invoke the help of the Lord by using the prayer hands emoji. It’s literally the same as actually praying. I think. I honestly haven’t been to church in years.
