Sad news for the basic among us, those liquid glitter phone cases you probably considered buying but then realized are incredibly tacky are apparently extremely dangerous. According to an ABC news report, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a recall on several models of iPhone cases made by the company MixBin, because their mesmerizing glitter liquid was leaking out and burning people. Umm…wow. Who knew literally every girl who ordered a unicorn frappuccino un-ironically was also in possession of such a dangerous weapon? Sorry to all the Beckys of the world. I know your community has been hit the hardest. It’s survival of the least basic, or whatever it was that Darwin guy was talking about. This whole incident got us thinking, if glitter cases are the uniform for the basic, what do other iPhone cases mean? The phone case is, after all, wayyy more than just a tool to protect your phone from water damage. It also tells the world precisely how much of a hot mess you are. Honestly, dating apps should have a section where you’re asked to describe your phone case and whether or not you’re rocking an Android. It would save all of us a lot of trouble. So for those of you who are wondering what your phone case says about you, here is our heavily
made up researched assessment:
Indestructible/Battery Phone Cases – The Reformed Mess
You’ve been burned one too many times, haven’t you? The carefree college days of taking your naked-ass phone out to the club and coming back with it shattered into a thousand pieces are finally over, and and now that
your parents won’t pay for your replacements anymore you’re slightly older, it’s time to get serious. Maybe it was the time you put a full stiletto through your iPhone 4, or maybe it was the time your phone died and you lost everyone at Coachella, but you are done with the near-death experiences for now. Sure, your case ain’t cute, but it could literally get run over by a truck (you know because it has been) and comes with 3x the charge, meaning you can take as many Insta stories as you want without fear of hitting 1%. Honestly, good for you.
LuMee Case – The Selfie Freak
Your Insta followers recently hit the thousands and you just cannot risk bad lighting at this point in your
hoeism career. We get it. You’re the girl who fills my feed with 10-20 perfectly lit, facetuned selfies daily, and for some reason I just cannot unfollow. Any time you pull out your phone for a pic, 15 randoms show up to hop in it because they know the picture will come out amazing and get a thousand likes. In many ways, this case has become your full-time job. Good luck with your life as a knock-off Kardashian. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
The Wallet Phone Case – The Mess
Phone, keys, wallet? Yeah, that’s way too many things. You can barely remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember both a phone AND a wallet. Nah. You need to minimize the damage you will inevitably do to your life on any given weekend by consolidating your shit into one easily remembered package. Honestly, if you can find a way to attach that shit to your body, maybe by sewing it into your hair or something, that would probably be best. The upside to this lifestyle is that you have less shit to drag around with you when you’re drunk and tryna be free. The downside is that when you do inevitably lose this, you’ve lost literally your entire life. But that’s also like, fine. You’ve fucked up worse and lived.
Personalized – The Psycho
This one goes out to the girl I saw senior year of college whose phone case was literally a bedazzled picture of her own face. You think I forgot that shit? No fucking way. I’ll never forget it. Sometimes I wake up with a cold sweat in the middle of the night still thinking about the unique set of life events that would lead a person to get a phone case of their own damn face. Wow. I’m actually getting upset thinking about it. Moving on…
Graphic Cases – The One That DGAF
Congratulations, betch! You don’t give a fuck to such a degree that you spent $20 on a paper-thin case that does nothing all because it has a funny/sarcastic/betchy saying on it. Honestly, you’re doing everything right. Either that, or you have no personality and are using the bold statement on your phone case to mask your inability to be bold in your actual life. Either way, we dig your style. And not just because we literally sell these cases. That’s totally not why. Don’t worry about it. But I mean, if you want to buy one…
Wooden/Marble/Whatever – The Real Adult
Okay. You’re classy. We get it. You “have a bank account” and “know your credit score” and shit. Good for you. Aren’t you fucking fancy. Enjoy your investments. You disgust me.
No Phone Case – The Dangerous Renegade
You live on the edge, and it disturbs me. What type of Patrick Bateman-ass rich psycho are you that you can just let your naked phone float around in the world with nothing to protect it? What if you drop it? What if you stand up and forget it is in your lap and it falls on the ground? What if you’re drunk and it falls out of your pocket while you’re in the bathroom and lands in the toilet? THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! Your devil-may-care attitude is affecting not only your life, but the life of your precious phone. You know what, that’s it. I’m calling the FBI.
Every betch has a day one that’s been there for her through all of life’s ups and downs. No, I’m not talking about your roommate, your sorority little, or your best friend from fifth grade. I’m talking about your iPhone. Think about it. That thing has really seen it all. From your ugliest hangover Snapchats to your late night Seamless orders, your iPhone has really been there for you at your worst. This summer, you should probably stop treating it like shit and get a phone case that will hold up through all of your drunken beach escapades. Here are a few phone cases that will save you from being that betch with a cracked screen or a damaged selfie cam.
1. Shop Betches Banana Leaves Phone Case
The banana leaf print on this phone case will fit so nicely into your summer beach aesthetic that you probably would use it even if it didn’t protect your phone. In the same way that you don’t have to be really smart if you’re really pretty, it’s a known fact that phone cases don’t need to be really effective if they’re really cool. This case is basically the betch you hated in high school because she was like, gorg and valedictorian. Except, instead of a perfect score on the SATs, this case has a raised bezel to protect your screen and camera, which kind of feels more important in the grand scheme of life.
2. Legsmarket Bubbly Case
This case is like all of your old phone cases in the sense that it’s covered in Champagne. Except this time, it’s not sticky and was totally on purpose. Perfect for when you’ve had a little too much bubbly and your phone takes a nosedive mid-Snapchat (you probably shouldn’t be sending that selfie to your ex, anyway), this case has shock and drop resistance. Plus, there’s even a little attached insert that protects your lightning port, which comes in so clutch for keeping sand out at the beach.
3. Lifeproof Nüüd
I’m not going to lie to you; Lifeproof cases are effing brutal. They’re like the phone case equivalent of carrying your student ID in a lanyard around your neck. With that being said, they are literal lifesavers when you’re drunk and near a pool. Plus, they’re pretty handy when you need to move off of dry land for a creative thirst trap Instagram. The Nüüd case is definitely the least ugly option they have, because it shows off the back of your phone with a clear design.
4. Otterbox Symmetry Series Metallic Case
As far as hardo phone cases go, Otterbox does a pretty good job of making them decent. Of course, they have plenty of beefed up weather-proof options, but if you’re looking for a cute metallic rose gold case that can hang, the Symmetry Series is probably your best bet.
5. Speck Presidio Clear + Glitter iPhone Case
There are like, a billion clear glitter phone cases in the world, but this Speck one is totally perfect for the summer because it’s built to resist UV yellowing. This basically means that when you fall asleep tanning and forget to stick your phone under the towel, your case won’t turn a nasty yellow color. It can also handle being dropped from up to eight feet, which is great news for your messy lifestyle.
So it’s Thursday, which means you almost survived the week. Cheers. But let’s be real, you didn’t survive the week without sending your boss 17 emails on the subway and going on two different (terrible) Bumble dates—in other words, you wouldn’t have made it here without your phone. But do you know what would make that a lot easier? A funny phone case to lighten the mood. Honestly, we’ve all been there. Nobody wants to roll up anywhere with an Otterbox that’s ten times thicker than your actual phone and hides the fact that you bought it in rose gold for a reason. So lighten up iPhone. I see you. Luckily Shop Betches iPhone cases are cute and functional. We’ve come out with our Friday Feels collection to capture, well, your Friday feels. We all know you’re completely out of fucks to give by the time Friday rolls around, so instead of sending your boss a passive-aggressive email and risk your job, let your phone case do the talking.
The “Don’t Rain on My Prada” phone case is honestly perfect for the high fashion betch who knows anything and everything about classy shit. I mean this phone case literally gives you the authority to walk around saying “don’t stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.” Because everyone will look at it and be like “wow, she knows her shit.” And they’d be correct. You do. It’s also a slightly more sophisticated way of saying “Bitch, don’t kill my vibe”—aka your mom won’t get mad at you if she sees you walking around with this phone case.
Personally, any time I see someone walking around with marble print manis, notebooks, waterbottles, etc. I feel like they’re either a total goddess or just poised AF. The purple marble phone case makes you seem v on trend, plus it matches all of those gorg marble table food Instas you’ll be taking with it. (I mean, betches who have this phone case obvs are only dining at classy establishments.)
Much like everything else we loved in the 90s, mermaids are back in a big way. We all started worshipping them when Ariel had men falling for her without doing work or like, even speaking. Even though we kind of hate the new mermaid hair and mermaid toast trends, it doesn’t change the fact that we all used to pretend to be mermaids in our backyard pools when we were seven. So now, there’s a sea foam sea glass phone case so you can feel like a legit mermaid without the ombre blue and green hair.
Honestly the “Resting Betch Face” phone case is literally all of us. When someone tries to call out your RBF just hold up your phone in situations where holding up the middle finger might be inappropriate. Genius.
Of course, the collection wouldn’t be complete without a “Boy Bye” phone case. I feel like I spend 97% of my time telling my friends to say this. Or telling boys this. Or just thinking this whenever men approach. So now I can just show them my phone and not even open my mouth. What will I do with all that time saved??
The best way to sum up being at work on a Friday is with the “Fresh Out of Fucks” phone case. (Just in case anyone was confused and thought you had any fucks to spare.)
It wouldn’t be Friday if it wasn’t lit AF. Next time your dad/some rando at the club asks if you have a boyfriend, show them your Lit AF phone case. I’m in a relationship…with vodka sodas.
The “Blah Blah Blah” iPhone case is literally all of us when that annoying coworker starts talking. You know the one.
Shop the entire Friday Feels collection just in time for Friday, only at Shop Betches!