Everyone with half a brain knows that when it comes to celebrating your friends’ birthdays, there’s a hierarchy. There are the people whose birthdays you actually remember without Facebook reminding you. There are the friends who you feel obliged to create an Instagram story filled with a slew of embarrassing photos of them. There are the friends who get an actual full-fledged Instagram post. And then, finally, there are the friends you actually buy shit for. These are the Regina Georges of friend birthdays. We’ve created a line of funny birthday gifts to buy for the friends who have dealt with enough of your hangovers and temper tantrums to deserve a dope gift. We also created this because it was Betches’ seventh birthday yesterday. I know, we’re like, so old. So like, just buy this stuff, throw a few vodka nips in the gift bag and call it a day. You’re welcome.
Nobody wants to read a long-ass caption about how lucky you feel to have met your best friend in your freshman dorm six years ago—they just want funny birthday gifts—so why don’t you write it all down in this card that you can then awkwardly watch her read IRL?
Not to brag, but we’re fucking geniuses and came up with a shot glass set that accurately captures the four kinds of moods people have towards taking shots. Like, just consider this the new Myers-Briggs test, or whatever. Forget horoscopes. Just carefully watch to see which shot glass your friends go for, and you’ll know literally everything about their lives and souls.
For the friend who’s actually like, really petty. Like, Kim Kardashian sending samples of her new fragrance to her enemies petty. Not like, your annoying friend sending you a Venmo request for a five minute Uber ride the next morning petty.
Are you even best friends if you don’t discuss the premise, and maybe even the opening credits, of your own TV show every time you get halfway through a bottle of rosé together? If you can’t relate, you should probably get funnier friends. However, if you can relate, just like, get this wine glass, because your funniest friends deserve funny birthday gifts.
Whether you actually believe in the sanctity of practicing a full birth month, or you’re trying to passively-aggressively give your friend a hint that she needs to chill TF out with the birthday plans, this card should get the message across pretty nicely.
Every betch has a day one that’s been there for her through all of life’s ups and downs. No, I’m not talking about your roommate, your sorority little, or your best friend from fifth grade. I’m talking about your iPhone. Think about it. That thing has really seen it all. From your ugliest hangover Snapchats to your late night Seamless orders, your iPhone has really been there for you at your worst. This summer, you should probably stop treating it like shit and get a phone case that will hold up through all of your drunken beach escapades. Here are a few phone cases that will save you from being that betch with a cracked screen or a damaged selfie cam.
1. Shop Betches Banana Leaves Phone Case
The banana leaf print on this phone case will fit so nicely into your summer beach aesthetic that you probably would use it even if it didn’t protect your phone. In the same way that you don’t have to be really smart if you’re really pretty, it’s a known fact that phone cases don’t need to be really effective if they’re really cool. This case is basically the betch you hated in high school because she was like, gorg and valedictorian. Except, instead of a perfect score on the SATs, this case has a raised bezel to protect your screen and camera, which kind of feels more important in the grand scheme of life.
2. Legsmarket Bubbly Case
This case is like all of your old phone cases in the sense that it’s covered in Champagne. Except this time, it’s not sticky and was totally on purpose. Perfect for when you’ve had a little too much bubbly and your phone takes a nosedive mid-Snapchat (you probably shouldn’t be sending that selfie to your ex, anyway), this case has shock and drop resistance. Plus, there’s even a little attached insert that protects your lightning port, which comes in so clutch for keeping sand out at the beach.
3. Lifeproof Nüüd
I’m not going to lie to you; Lifeproof cases are effing brutal. They’re like the phone case equivalent of carrying your student ID in a lanyard around your neck. With that being said, they are literal lifesavers when you’re drunk and near a pool. Plus, they’re pretty handy when you need to move off of dry land for a creative thirst trap Instagram. The Nüüd case is definitely the least ugly option they have, because it shows off the back of your phone with a clear design.
4. Otterbox Symmetry Series Metallic Case
As far as hardo phone cases go, Otterbox does a pretty good job of making them decent. Of course, they have plenty of beefed up weather-proof options, but if you’re looking for a cute metallic rose gold case that can hang, the Symmetry Series is probably your best bet.
5. Speck Presidio Clear + Glitter iPhone Case
There are like, a billion clear glitter phone cases in the world, but this Speck one is totally perfect for the summer because it’s built to resist UV yellowing. This basically means that when you fall asleep tanning and forget to stick your phone under the towel, your case won’t turn a nasty yellow color. It can also handle being dropped from up to eight feet, which is great news for your messy lifestyle.