Whether you’re a bright-eyed freshman, have switched your major three times so far this semester, or you’re a junior and somehow still not quite sure what you want to study, let me assure you that the major you pick will impact your entire life in a pretty big way. Freshmen especially, listen up: your major also plays a big part in who your friends will be, what your college experience will feel like, and how other students perceive you. Will it matter after you graduate in terms of getting jobs? Not one bit. But it will affect your social life, which is the most important part of college, obviously.
Your major is also extremely important because if you’re gonna be hungover in your 8am, you might as well enjoy the other 200 people in the lecture and have some interest in the class material you’re so desperately trying to retain. For those of us not sitting in that lecture hall (we stop making that mistake after one semester), and eager freshmen alike, here’s what your major says about you.
Accounting And/Or Finance
I hooked up with a guy with this major who freaked out at me when I asked what made his major so hard. Apparently asking him how entering numbers into a spreadsheet qualified as a legitimate course of study wasn’t the most supportive thing to do in that moment, but whatever.
If you’re majoring in Accounting or Finance, you’re probably super ambitious and a douchebag on the side. Honestly, I don’t doubt you’re better at money management than me, so please hit me up if you want to teach me how to save money or if you know what the f*ck a 401(k) is.
Looking into the future, you’re probably super pumped for the Wall Street summer internship your sister’s boyfriend promised to score for you, but spoiler alert: you’re really doing coffee runs and won’t see any daylight, so have fun with that, sweetheart! You’re likely planning on being the betchy version of Jordan Belfort (you know, without all those legal issues and hopefully no quaaludes) but in reality, you’re looking at a sh*t ton of time spent networking with your dad’s friends.
Basically, if you’re delving into a business school major, be prepared to both work and schmooze your ass off each year to get ahead of the rest of your class. Unless of course, you quit after freshman year to become a comm major. No shade.
Economics
It’s bizarre to me that econ majors and business majors have beef. Guess what? You’re all smart, you’re all annoying as hell, and you’re all equally as likely to either fail miserably or become the next Bill Gates!! You watch Bloomberg and read The Wall Street Journal while scrolling through that weird stock app I can’t delete from my iPhone. Obviously, you can also recite the entirety of The Big Short from memory.
I wouldn’t call myself an econ expert, so I’m not really positive how people actually apply their economics degree post-grad. You’re probably planning on going to even more school and becoming a professor or one of those try-hard ~cool~ high school econ teachers or something.
Political Science
Due to the interesting state of America today, these students are multiplying overnight. Poli-sci students tend to fall on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum. Whether sporting MAGA hats with no shame or constantly skipping classes to protest whatever dumb sh*t came out of the White House this week, poli-sci wins as the most entertaining spectator sport.
If you have absolutely zero chill, did Speech and Debate in high school, and enjoy starting sh*t with your friends, this is the perfect major for you! You get a thrill from causing fights after four vodka sodas, especially when the bartender tries charging you $9 for the fifth. Just remember, “God Brad, don’t you realize you’re contributing to capitalist oppression!?” isn’t as good of an argument as you think when you’re slurring your words… especially when the bartender’s name is actually Ryan.
If this is your major, you’re probably planning on going to law school and becoming the next Liz Warren or RBG (good luck). Just remember, we can’t all be Elle Woods, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Communication
Comm classes are the 21st century version of Noah’s f*cking Ark. Seriously, where else can you find a clueless fifth-year senior, a hungover VSCO girl, and a future Pulitzer Prize winner learning the same thing?
If you’re a comm major, you’re either constantly asking your friend which filter matches your Insta feed aesthetic or talking about the depressing state of journalism today. Comm majors are constantly posting on social media, remain the go-to friend for caption ideas, and daydream of comparisons to Walter Cronkite as you host your own MSNBC (or Fox News) show.
In any case, your parents are paying a sh*t-ton for you to spend four years lazily plagiarizing Wikipedia articles about famous journalists to graduate with a fairly limited amount of hard skills. Congrats.
Philosophy
If you’re uptight, a stoner, and have a bit of a superiority complex, philosophy is the perfect major for you.
When you come home for the holidays and your family asks about school, some of them shake their heads in disappointment, some of them have no further questions, and there’s a good chance your uncle will start an argument with you about Descartes’ theory of the self.
I’m minoring in philosophy and TBH I’m not even really sure what else there is to do with a philosophy degree aside from becoming a professor or marrying rich.
Theatre
literally no one:
musical theater kids: https://t.co/PwPukUbzt5
— sadie (@sadieoleary) November 27, 2018
These are the students you hear belting everything from Phantom of the Opera to Wicked to Mean Girls in the communal bathroom. Theatre kids are basically real-life versions of the cast of Glee (during those awkward seasons that followed them to college).
If you’re overdramatic, kind of narcissistic, and not completely tone-deaf, a theatre major will feel like home. You probably continued taking dance classes and doing community theatre loooong after your friends outgrew their second-grade tutus.
When you aren’t loudly singing in your dorm during midterms (please quiet the f*ck down, practice rooms exist for a reason), you’re inviting your entire Facebook friends list to the event for your upcoming class performance of Guys and Dolls. You’ll most likely move to New York or LA after graduation and spend the foreseeable future in endless auditions. Good luck with that—the whole world’s your stage, betch!
Engineering/Architecture
I know, I know, these majors are actually really different, but they both, like, do math and build a lot of stuff so they’re grouped together in my mind.
The only real interaction I’ve had with an architecture student is the time I wasn’t watching where I was walking and almost knocked their model building over. Architecture and engineering both seem really challenging, and since I’ve never met either type of student, I can only assume they spend even more time studying than pre-med students.
If you’re studying one of these subjects, you probably played with Legos until you were 17 and did really well in subjects like geometry and physics. Since so much of your time is spent studying and building stuff, you’d better hope you can at least tolerate your classmates. From what I’ve heard, engineering and architecture students “like, basically live in lab/studio,” so you have to be cool with becoming a hermit.
Everything I know about architecture is based on Ted Mosby (so I wouldn’t exactly call myself the most credible source on this one), but maybe you’re aspiring to design a skyscraper in NYC one day! We love #betchesinSTEM.
Pre-Med
While this isn’t technically an actual major, it might as well be. I’m not quite sure what pre-med students even learn about or how they do it, but anyone who has enough motivation to make it through a semester (or two) of organic chem is a better person than me.
You probably picked your major after binging Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. If you’re in pre-med, you have to be very patient (lol). You can expect to spend countless hours in labs and in the library. When you finally surface from the black hole of studying to go out, you’ll get stuck with whoever ends up puking, because “med school.” Your friends will probably treat you like f*cking WebMD any time they have a weird sneezing fit and tell you vivid details of alllll of their symptoms when they think they have a UTI.
Pre-med students should look forward to pretty much spending the rest of their young lives in school and residencies before finally starting to make enough money to pull themselves out of student debt.
Nursing
If you’re just as smart as your pre-med friends (but with more people skills) and aren’t into the idea of a decade of school and a ton of student debt, you should consider nursing! You get to take a bunch of science classes, learn all about medicines and the minor difference between them, and in my experience, nurses are a hell of a lot more fun to be around and they get cooler scrubs. Then when you graduate, you get to do a bunch of the same stuff doctors do, only you get way less credit, are paid less, and treated worse! Exciting!
Psychology
Spoiler Alert: Getting a 5 on your AP psych class does NOT mean you’ll automatically be good at college psych, trust me.
If you’re majoring in psychology, you’re probably not into letting your friend use Mercury in Retrograde as a reason to justify hooking up with their ex. It’s more likely that you’ll end up psychoanalyzing how their repressed experiences cause low self-esteem (which is such a buzzkill).
While some people who graduate with a psych major end up doing something totally unrelated, a lot of psych majors are truly doing the Lord’s work and making bank for it. Who else is willing to listen to the problems of bougie millennials and suburban moms whose kids have left for college?
Education
What’s good, future Ms. Frizzle? Education majors often get a bad rap, but we all know that teaching is literally one of the most important professions ever.
Education programs are home to washed-up camp counselors, patient saints, and future trophy wives alike. If you can tolerate anyone from children to pretentious sorority girls, like coloring, and basically own stock in Michael’s and OfficeMax for all the money you spend on school supplies, this is the field for you.
Who knows, you might go on to be a kick-ass teacher and change some lives, Dead Poets Society style. If so, try reeeeally hard not to be one of those assholes who takes a full school year to grade papers because if it’s not abundantly clear by the 15 emails you’ve gotten asking for an update, students hate that sh*t.
There are literally hundreds of majors (and minors) you can choose to study, and this list just scratches the surface. If you’ve somehow gone through the whole course catalog and still don’t vibe with any of the options, your next steps will probably be to either create an individualized major or re-evaluate if college is actually right for you.
No matter what you decide to do with the next four-plus years of your youth, be prepared to spend at least half of that time pushing your body to its absolute limits in every way: hygiene (yes bitch, you do smell after spending three straight nights in the library), coffee intake (“is six espresso shots too many? I have a final tomorrow”), and stress levels, because you’re in for a wild ride. Good luck.
Images: kaboompics/Pixabay; off campus / Instagram (2); sadieoleary / Twitter
It’s a beautiful time of year. The sun is shining, we can drink outside comfortably, and Mother’s Day is coming up. Since moms only get one day a year of celebration when they really deserve about 365, we as friends, daughters, nieces, granddaughters, whatever, need to make sure we are providing them with the perfect gifts. Flowers are nice, but putting some real thought behind a gift for the woman who birthed you (or any woman who birthed anyone, God bless), is nicer. No offense, but it’s true. So here’s a list of brands that we love and fully approve of for our Mother’s Day Gift Guide, and you know you can trust us.
LaserAway
For the mom who’s prepping for her retirement to Florida
If she’s going to be living on a beach, she needs to look hot. LaserAway is her one-stop-shop for laser hair removal, Coolsculpting, Botox, and like, a million other things. If you’re unfamiliar with Coolsculpting, it’s a non-invasive procedure that uses controlled cooling to freeze and eliminate unwanted fat cells. In as little as three weeks, the results will appear and she’ll basically have abs. Jealous? Get a treatment for yourself, too. Because we all know that even though looking fit is fun, the gym fucking sucks. LaserAway has a ton of locations and customers love it so much because they provide treatments that are driven by science, so you know it’s legit. “This stuff really works!” No, but actually it does. Plus they have discount offers like, all the time.
Riley Home
For the mom who deserves to feel like she sleeps in a hotel bed every night
A saint in the streets and a MILF in the sheets. Sorry, that was uncalled for. I deeply apologize. Riley Home has the softest and most beautiful bedding and bath sets and we cannot get over how much we love it all. With their simple but elegant bedding, you can take her room from blah to chic easily. You’ve been hearing her talk about how she wants to redecorate her room for years, right? This is the first step that will get her going and then she can shut up about it forever. Some of our favorite products include the Sateen Sheet Set, Hooded Waffle Robe, and Spa Towel Set.
Drip MediSpa
For the mom who’s DRIPPIN
Okay, so you’ve definitely seen this on TV or at least heard about it. Betch goes out, betch makes bad choices, betch wakes up with a hangover so betch orders an IV drip to bring her back to life. Drip MediSpa is more than just a hangover cure, though. I mean that is the most amazing thing ever, but there are so many other drips on their menu. Yes, you order from a beautiful menu. For the expectant mom, they have a prenatal drip to help control all that nausea and exhaustion. And for the old AF mom (haha sorry, but it’s true) they have a “fountain of youth” drip. Sooo rejuvenating. Book her an IV drip and she will love you SO much! Unless she hates needles. In which case Drip has plenty of other things to offer, like skincare treatments.
Sonos
For the mom who never learned how to use the in-house speaker system anyway
This will probs be easier for her. Fun fact, we bump music at Betches HQ from Sonos speakers and the neighbors are jealous because they think we’re partying 24/7 (we’re not… not partying 24/7). Their newest speaker, the Sonos One, is everything you could ever need in a music playing device. It has a voice-enabled smart speaker, the ability to stream from more than 80 services, and is compatible with our girl Alexa. Basically, mom is about to throw a house party. But yes, you’ll have to set it up for her.
Archipelago Botanicals
For the mom who knew that charcoal was cool like, 2 years ago
Good for you, mom. Archipelago Botanicals has an ah-mazing collection of Charcoal Rose products, and they make it v easy for you by grouping them into cute gift sets. Buy your mom the Charcoal Rose candle so her powder room can smell like something other than her classic potpourri (get with the times, lady). Or she would looove the organic rose water, which is said to clean your pores and give you younger looking skin #vitality. We’re also obsessed with the Charcoal Rose Body Oil because our skin has been dry as fuck due to this horrendous weather (getting better now though, thank you for asking). Basically you can’t go wrong with anything from Archipelago so just like, have at it.
Massage Envy
For the mom that deserves the world, so you’ll send her to a spa
You really can’t go wrong here. There’s nothing that says “you are a perfect human full of wisdom and unique matronly powers and you deserve to be served heaven on a platter” quite like a massage. Good news, Massage Envy is running a special Mother’s Day promotion from now through Mother’s Day. You can purchase $125 in gift cards for her and receive a FREE 60-min facial. Give the facial to her…or yourself, we’ll leave that up to you. You can also get her a membership to Massage Envy, which gives her a reason to make an appointment every month…because again, she deserves it.
Seven Haircare
For the mom who’s best friends with everyone at her salon
Mom, you’re embarrassing me. But at least your hair looks fab. And since she accepts nothing but the best when it comes to haircare, you should definitely introduce her to Seven. Their products are created by a team of stylists who wanted the perfect blends for their salon, so you know their stuff works. Our favorites include their Gazar Diamond Serum, Satara Texture Cream, and Satara Relax Serum. That was really hard to narrow down to just three, though. They have pretty much anything you could ever need to keep your hair in check, especially now that humidity is going to be a thing. No more dull hair, no more fly-aways, no more frizz.
Algenist Skincare
For the mom who’s tried every anti-aging method and product in existence
Chill out, just use Algenist. This award-winning beauty brand has unlocked the secret powers of algae, one of the most nutrient-rich plants in the world, to create anti-aging products with clean and safe formulas. Science! Its natural and clean ingredients make Algenist’s products non-comedogenic, hypoallergenic, and they’re good for all skin types. So if your mom also happens to be a hippie betch…this is the stuff. Our favorites include their Complete Eye Renewal Balm, Sublime Defense Ultra Lightweight UV Defense Fluid (say that 5 times fast), and their Sublime Anti-Aging Blurring Moisturizer. And they have way more than just anti-aging stuff, they have legit everything to save your skin and you need to check it out.
Shop Betches
For the mom who enjoys the simple things in life (and a good laugh)
Obviously we need to talk about our Mother’s Day cards from Shop Betches. Sometimes we have like, nothing left in our bank account and can’t afford a present, but that just means we have to step up our card game. It’s perfect because the hilarity of the card will balance out the heartfelt sappy note you leave for the most perfect mom. And if you have more than like $6 in your bank, your mom will litttterally die at our “Ask Your Father” hat.
Three Olives Rosé Vodka
For the mom who parties harder than you
She’s gonna be the baddest bitch on the block when she finds out about this. In case you somehow haven’t heard, Three Olives launched their newest vodka this April, and it is rosé flavored. You read that correctly. If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that every mom in America loves rosé. And now she has something to whip out at dinner parties that get a little rowdy. Or at book club. Either one works. Also it’s pink (duh) so it will just look really pretty as a gift from you.
Fenty Beauty
For the mom who wants to know what all the cool jams are
What’s the 411? Operator, patch me through to Fenty Beauty. That was so dweeby I’m sorry. Anyways…we all know that anything Rihanna touches turns to gold, and her beauty line is no exception. And for the trendy mom, we recommend going with Fenty all the way. Our faves include the Body Lava Body Luminizer to give mom that effortless glow, and the Universal Gloss Bomb which looks amazing on every betch.
Philosophy
For the mom who always has her shit together
Rude that you didn’t pass that trait down to me, but whatever. It’s no secret that we are ob-SESSED with Philosophy. Everything they make smells amazing, it all works great, and there are just so many options to choose from. All our homes are filled to capacity with Philosophy products because we can’t help ourselves. Our favorites for Mother’s Day include their Amazing Grace Candle, which makes your place smell like it’s filled with flowers from your non-existent boyfriend. Also loving their new Amazing Grace Ballet Rose fragrance. Their packaging is so pretty and light so it will look beauteous as a gift.
You know the saying “work hard, play hard”? Well nothing works harder than your skin when you play hard spend Friday through Sunday treating your body like the back alley of a P.F. Chang’s. Lol we’re so random. That’s right, it’s all fun and games until you wake up on Monday after two days of living in a hedonistic hell of your own making with what I fondly refer to as Retribution Hangover Face. Hangover Face, for those of you virgins who can’t drive, is the face of someone who said “I’m not really drinking tonight” and then only drank Fireball. It’s the face of someone who woke up in their makeup from the night before with a half-eaten pizza crust in their bra, and skin that’s tired, pale, puffy AF, and soooo dehydrated, which now that I look back on it could be the subtitle of my memoir. Whatever. Moving on. Fear not, betches, because there’s actually a way to save you from yourself that doesn’t involve, like, changing your life choices (but does include a bomb moisturizer). Bless up. So here’s how you can fix your skin after a weekend of being yourself. You’re so welcome.
Moisturize The Shit Out Of Your Skin
When you’re trying to cure Hangover Face, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of moisturizing. Your skin is probably thirstier than the drunk Snap you sent your ex last night and it’s begging you to actually, like, take care of yourself. Ugh. Luckily for you betches, Philosophy just turned their v popular, best-in-the-game Purity Made Simple Face Mask into a moisturizer. Blessings. Listen up, because the Purity Made Simple Moisturizer might be the only reason you’re able to leave your house today without looking like the inside wrapper of a McGriddle. Made with chia seed oil, meadowfoam seed oil, a green tea antioxidant complex, and vitamins C and E, the Purity Made Simple moisturizer is super lightweight and designed to make you look, like, really pretty. Not only does it hydrate your skin like crazy, but it also does some other pretty amazing stuff like help skin look radiant, dewy, and smooth with less visible pores in as little as three days (aka just in time for your next happy hour). Also, (most importantly tbh), it can make your skin look young and healthy like the skin you were born with. I personally haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep since I was in the womb, so this is a blessing. Think of the person you were before you discovered late night pizza and drunk dialing your ex. Praise be.
Try To Get Out Of Bed
I think it’s good to set actual achievable goals for yourself, and since the bar could not be set any lower for my goals, I’m hitting you with this piece of inspiring advice: try getting out of bed. Groundbreaking, I know. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself there, whether it’s bribing yourself with coffee and greasy breakfast food or moving your charger to the opposite side of the room so you’ll either be forced to leave your bed or watch your iPhone’s battery—and your will to live—slowly drain to nothing. I literally could not care less. Just getting up and moving around will get your blood pumping and, hopefully, circulate some color back into your pale AF face (which, trust me, you really need rn).
Keep Drinking
WATER, you psychopaths. Jesus. Seriously, put down the mimosa for five freaking seconds and try and reintroduce water into your system. Some people might say that some hair of the dog is what’s going to make you look and feel less like a human trash bag, but those people haven’t looked at the state of your skin this morning. Not only will drinking water hydrate you and your skin, but it’ll also reduce some of the inflammation that’s making you look puffy AF. So start chugging, betches. Bottoms up!
If you don’t already own Philosophy’s Purity Made Simple moisturizer, you can just add “going to Sephora to pick up a tube” to your “getting out of bed” item on the to-do list. Or you could just grab some online, but tbh, I’m not sure if your corpse-like skin can wait 3-5 business days.
Sponsored by Philosophy
Images: Philosophy; Shutterstock; Giphy
If there’s anything I’ve realized in my 20s, it’s that my lifestyle is literally not conducive to my health. It’s like one day we’re all just out here downing Four Lokos on a Wednesday night, waking up the next day at 7am for a run, looking like Gigi Hadid the whole time, and the next day we’re 26, barely alive after two glasses of wine and a night of watching The Bachelor. Watching your youth fade away is fun, kids! But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s how to cheat the system and find the easy way out of all of life’s problems, including getting back my youthful, radiant skin. And luckily for you betches, Philosophy’s Purity Made Simple skin care line is the best in the game. So here’s a look at all the skin care products that you need to try before you turn 30. Seriously. RT to save lives!
Purity Made Simple One-Step Facial Cleanser
If your skin is more sensitive than the poetry you published on your Myspace back in the day, then the Purity One-Step Facial Cleanser is about to change your whole damn life. No, but seriously. It was the gentle cleanser in Allure’s Best of Beauty Hall of Fame for a reason. First of all, it has a 3-in-1 approach to cleansing, which basically means it multitasks better than me screenshotting a guy’s texts and sending it to my group chat while painting my nails and solving an especially heinous crime 15 minutes into a Law & Order SVU episode. Not only does it wash away the day’s grime, makeup, and last night’s exercise class bar hopping sweat, but it does all of this without stripping away your skin’s natural oils. AND it smells good AF—think light and citrus-y. So I guess we really can have it all.
Purity Made Simple Pore Extractor Exfoliating Mask
This is for all my betches out there who would rather be drinking than masking (honestly, I feel you). The best part about this pore extractor exfoliating mask is that it literally takes five minutes of your time to work its magic. The salicylic acid in the clay-based mask sops up excess oil and minimizes the appearance of pores. Plus, it’s great for people with combination skin, because it targets all of your oily areas while zapping out your clogged pores. Spend five minutes with this mask and your skin will feel tighter and younger than it has in years.
Purity Made Simple Ultra-Light Moisturizer
This is maybe the best product Philosophy has coming out in their Purity Made Simple line, and for good reason. Similar to its Purity predecessors, it’s a lightweight cream so it won’t make your skin feel like a greased up Slip-n-Slide, but it goes on heavy enough to actually feel like it’s doing shit for your skin. Blessings. Made with chia seed oil, meadowfoam seed oil, a green tea antioxidant complex, and vitamins C and E, it’s going to make you look and feel, like, really pretty.
Also, if your skin is dry thirstier than Bella Thorne’s Instagram feed, then you’re going to love this product because it helps improve complexion on two fronts. First, by hydrating the fuck out of your skin, and then by combining a mix of fatty oils and moisture-locking hyaluronic acids to restore your skin to its freshman year of college youthful-looking glory days. It’s like there is a God and She’s paying attention to my mid-life crisis tweets. You’re going to want to pick this product up ASAP because it’s about to be everyyyywhere, and you don’t want to be the fool using last season’s moisturizer.
Images: Philosphy (3); Brooke Cagle / Unsplash
Sponsored by Philosophy
I have recently decided to become a good person kind of healthy and try, like, really hard to better myself inside and out. How long will this phase last? I give it a week, but for now, let’s continue to let me feel productive and wholesome. Obviously, I want to have my cake and eat it too, so while I still have the frequent bottle glass of wine along with calorie-loaded food, I also want to have FaceTuned-looking skin by the time I wake up tomorrow. Luckily for me all of us, there are a bunch of acne spot treatments that basically perform miracles overnight. Here are the ones worth both your time and money that will make your breakouts disappear ASAP.
1. Burt’s Bees Natural Acne Solutions Targeted Spot Treatment
This is the first one I’ve tried, and it’s my fave so far (which is saying a lot for someone who is insanely picky). The natural cream is full of super healthy ingredients including tea tree and other good-smelling plants. All you have to do is use a small amount of the cream on the affected area and watch your blemish disappear by the next day. Seriously, a little goes a looong way with this one. The formula helps reduce redness, unclog pores, and prevent future breakouts. TBH, there *is* a little bit of a sting when you initially apply it, but it’s nothing to leave a bad review for, and it’s oddly satisfying to know this shit is working.
2. Mario Badescu Drying Lotion
This is next to add to the existing cart I have on Nordstrom.com simply because anything by Mario is essentially a godsend (and honestly, I’m just waiting for that Black Friday sale). The lightweight lotion is v gentle and soothing, which is ideal for those with sensitive acne-prone skin. It consists of major key shit like calamine and salicylic acid, both of which make zits disappear overnight without drying your face out. BLESS. After washing and toning, tap on the affected area, but don’t rub it in—instead, wash off in the morning.
3. Kiehl’s Since 1851 Blue Herbal Spot Treatment
Oily skin sufferers, say no more. This spot treatment was designed for those who go through blotting sheets like it’s their job, since it controls excess oil while reducing rude af breakouts. Even if you have sensitive skin, this will soothe it immediately without causing irritation. It’s a fucking miracle. Start by applying once a day, and only increase up to three times a day if you find it v necessary.
4. Peter Thomas Roth AHA/BHA Clearing Gel
First of all, anything with AHA or BHA is a plus. Both have really long names that I am most definitely not spelling out rn (that’s what Google is for, guys) and have fab results for the skin. These clearing gels work to reduce the appearance of most types of blemishes, which include whiteheads and blackheads, and help rejuvenate the skin by correcting discoloration from previous acne. It also cleanses your pores, hides the fact that you’re slowly aging, and produces healthier cells for better skin. Use just once a day or twice if you need a pimple gone like, yesterday.
5. Neutrogena Rapid Clear Acne Fighting Spot Gel
Take it from me: This shit actually works, and you can low-key stock up by running to the nearest Duane Reade or CVS. It’s a non-comedogenic gel that clears breakouts in just a few hours. So basically, it’s the perfect solution to a pimple emergency, if you have a date or important photo opp planned. Apply directly on the affected area once a day to start seeing results in eight hours, or just leave it on while you sleep.
6. Philosophy Clear Days Ahead Fast Acting Acne Spot Treatment
This moisturizing treatment clears and soothes irritated skin by the next time you check yourself out in the bathroom mirror. Okay, so not that fast, but you get the analogy. It not only gets rid of current and future breakouts ASAP, but it also eliminates the nasty-ass bacteria that causes acne to begin with. FINALLY, someone is doing something right in the world. The lightweight treatment will drastically take away unflattering redness, swelling, and all-around change your selfie game life as you know it.
Images: Sam Manns / Unsplash; Ulta; Nordstrom; Sephora (2); Neutrogena; Macys
Finally, the best day of the week has arrived. It’s Thirsty Thursday, Friday Eve, whatever the hell you call it, and most importantly, it’s another Sephora Weekly Wow. Halle-FUCKING-lujah. If you don’t know WTF I’m talking about, you probably live under a rock don’t have internet??? The event for anyone that’s beauty-obsessed (so like, all of us) is Sephora’s new weekly sale that selects products to be 50 percent off. The deal only lasts for seven days, or until inconsiderate bitches buy it all (which happens more often than not). Anyone with a sense of time knows a week is not that long, so I normally would advise against camping outside or anything dramatic, but again, a betch has to do what a betch has to do if it means grabbing that palette you’ve been eyeing for half off. I’m just saying, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you missed out on the last two sales, I’m honestly concerned here’s to hoping third time’s the charm. I got the hot gossip on this week’s goodies so, call an Uber and hustle to your nearest Sephora—or better yet, just get to online shopping, loser.
^^^Jessica Simpson is me. I am Jessica Simpson.
1. Urban Decay Naked Smoky Palette
There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. The limit does not exist for how many Naked palettes you can have, especially when one is literally 50 percent off. That one being the most essential for next season and all the “let’s get fucked up” festivities it involves. Create the Insta-worthy smoky eye you’ve been trying to achieve since like, 8th grade with this palette’s 12 irresistible shades and variety of finishes. From ~nudes~ to stunning grays to our beloved black, each shade is infused with top-notch ingredients to keep it smooth af for easy, breezy, beautiful blendability. Plus, the case features a full-size mirror and double-ended brush to make it easier to perfect your slutty smoky look.
2. SMASHBOX Step-By-Step Contour Kit
A contour kit for dummies is essentially what I need this is. This palette comes in two colors, Light/Medium or Medium/Dark, with three custom shades to define, bronze, and highlight for a natural-looking sculpted face. Natural is the key word here, so be sure to choose the color that looks best with your skin tone so you don’t up looking like a ratchet wannabe Kim K Aubrey O’Day. See:
Not only does it come with a full step-by-step guide “for all levels” (sooo if you’ve never heard of blending…), but it also comes with an angled brush for seamless application.
3. Philosophy Hope In A Jar
This is the holy grail of all moisturizers ever. Hope In A Jar basically speaks for itself in the sense that it truly holds the key to looking young and healthy forever in its little container. This lightweight moisturizer gently exfoliates your face by removing dead skin cells and reverses all the effects that stumbling home and passing out with your makeup on had on your skin. Yes, there is still hope for us.
4. Philosophy Renewed Hope In A Jar SPF 30
So like, take everything I just said above and add in a broad-spectrum SPF 30 to protect yo’ face from sun rays that cause wrinkles, uneven texture, scarring, and oh yeah, SKIN CANCER. The moisturizer smooths out your skin and provides long lasting hydration so you feel and look like a glowing goddess.
5. Philosophy Renewed Hope In A Jar Dry
Okay, I know this is beginning to sound redundant, but unlike the 100 seasons of Pretty Little Liars, I promise the more they create of these, the better they get. This formula takes on a new twist with ingredients specifically made for dry AF skin types.
Ugh, bless. So with all that damage the sun caused your skin this summer, you’ll need this extra hydrating moisturizer so you don’t feel like Hanna here ^. Infused with long-ass words I can’t pronounce and don’t feel like typing along with some “Asian fruits,” this formula promises a glow that’ll last all day long.
What greater holiday is there than a day that celebrates the strong, beautiful women who raised us? Go ahead, try to think of one, I’ll wait. 4th of July you say? Okay. Anyway, Mother’s Day really does serve as a reminder that we should be really really nice to all the moms in our lives because we too may be mothers some day and we don’t want a bitchy daughter who doesn’t appreciate us. So it’s good karma to get them a gift, right? A betch’s mom is the most important lady in her life. She’s given us endless words of wisdom on fuckboys, she’s reluctantly allowed us to borrow steal her clothes, and she always picked us up from school when we were feeling “sick”. She’s molded us into the betch we are today, and for that we are forever grateful. To show her how much you love her, we’re giving you a list of all our favorite brands/gift ideas that are perfect for every type of mom in your life. Welcome to the Betches Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2017.
FOR THE MOM WHO STILL GRABS CANDY FOR HERSELF AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER
Hats off to this mom, she still answers to her sugar cravings and DGAF. Elevate her candy standards with Sugarfina’s Sweetest Mom Candy Bento Box and watch it disappear within 20 minutes of her opening it. If she’s into the juicing craze like any betchy mom, feel free to gift her a bottle of Pressed Juicery x Sugarfina’s green juice gummy bears. It’s the perfect candy she can eat while convincing herself that she’s healthy AF. These are the chicest and yummiest candies ever, and I’m sure this mom won’t mind if you steal a few for yourself…maybe…
FOR THE ZEN AF MOM YOU CAN ALWAYS VENT TO
This mom is amazing because she has the patience to listen to us talk shit about irrelevant shit for hours and somehow make us feel 10 times better in the end. Philosophy is a fave brand of ours, not just because of their amazing products, but also because of their values. It’s the wellness brand version of the mom who always sends you inspirational articles and makes sure you never leave the house without food in your stomach. To reward this woman for putting up with your crazy ass, give her the Moments of Grace box—the perfect set of shower, fragrance, and moisturizing products.
FOR THE MOM WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A HOUSE A HOME (AND WON’T LET YOU EAT ON THE COUCH)
This mom might have come off as a little strict and slightly neurotic due to her strict house rules you lived under as a young betch, but you now understand it was all worth it for the image of a perfect home. She’s classy, she’s elegant, and she’s not afraid to tell you to fuck off when you deserve it. Giving her a Venus Et Fleur box is not just giving her cliché flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s giving her a centerpiece for her precious home. These are the most beautiful flowers and they last for an entire year. There are several colors to choose from so you can def find one to match the living room couch. PS, they’re having a pop-up shop at Saks specifically for Mother’s Day, so go with your siblings and get her the most Instagrammable flowers ever.
FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS TO BE INA GARTEN’S BEST FRIEND
This mom spends half her life watching the Food Network and the other half begging her husband to agree to redoing the kitchen. As such, she takes great pride in all her kitchen essentials, and each time you come home there’s a new blender or toaster. Although you have barely any space for a wooden spoon in your apartment’s kitchen and deem it acceptable to microwave water for your tea, this mom would rather be caught dead than without at least 25 different spatula options. Cuisinart is the perfect place to find the best and newest kitchen products that this mom will die over, like the QuicKettle and the PrepExpress. If you get her any of their products, I foresee massive amounts of free food in your future.
FOR THE MOM WHO’S NOT AFRAID TO BLACK OUT AT FAMILY DINNERS
This mom is always invited to hang with you and your friends whenever she’s in town. As a betch who can single-handedly create a party out of thin air, her Mother’s Day gift needs to suit her hostess needs. Kim Crawford Wine is the perfect bottle to whip out on any given occasion, and with summer around the corner, it is officially rosé season. Their website has tons of amazing recipes, including frosé, so…this mom will def exploit a bottle of Kim Crawford rosé for all it’s worth. If she also happens to be an Insta whore, we’re sorry in advance.
FOR THE MOM WHO GIFTED YOU YOUR WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR
This mom has passed on her good genes of having no filter and always has the entire family in tears at Thanksgiving dinner (like, the good kind). We were always afraid of what kind of backhanded bitchy comment she might make at our frenemies when we were younger, but we loved her anyway and secretly enjoyed it. If she’s begging you not to get her anything this year, at least get her the perfect card from Shop Betches.
FOR THE MOM WHO’S PUTTING OFF BOTOX FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
This mom has had perfect skin her entire life and is now in overdrive doing everything she can to keep it that way. Washing her face isn’t just something she does a couple times a day, it’s now an insane obsession. To make sure this mom is getting the most out of her incessant face cleansing, get her the Soniclear brush from Michael Todd Beauty. The antimicrobial brush stays cleaner and fresher for longer, and cleans deep into your pores. Let’s be real, you’re probs going to get one for yourself as well. Also, since she’s probs big into blending, you should get her the Sonicblend brush to apply her makeup flawlessly.
FOR THE MOM WHO WON’T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER KITCHEN
This mom has a panic attack whenever there’s too many people in the kitchen (which for the most part means if there’s anyone in there besides her). She’s a firm believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place”, which as a betch you can only relate to on the level of your apartment’s bar cart. Joseph Joseph has the perfect modern organizational kitchen shit that will perfectly encourage this mom’s obsessive compulsive habits, but at least the kitchen will look sleek AF so who cares. We love their Nesting Bowl Sets and their super chic Worktop Savers.
FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP WITH HER IPAD ON HER FACE
This mom can’t get enough of her Facebook feed and loves to send you videos of dogs at all hours of the night. She probably thinks she’s squinting at all her screens because she’s old, but really it’s because no one’s eyes should not be staring at this shit all day. Felix Gray glasses are v trendy-looking and protect your eyes from the blue light emitted from all our electronics’ screens, so mom won’t have to fight through the headaches to continue scrolling through Insta anymore. Our office’s fan favorites are the Turing and Nash frames.
FOR THE MOM WHO JUICED BEFORE IT WAS COOL
This mom has been a juice drinking yoga freak since before you were born, and she’s always looking for new ways to show the world that she’s healthier and has more of her shit together than anyone else. Daily Harvest delivers fresh soups, smoothies, chia parfaits and overnight oats to your door on your schedule. This way, mom can get her fav smoothies delivered at 3pm just in time for her to consume before her 5pm spin class. If you didn’t think eating healthy could be convenient, neither did we, but here we are.
FOR THE MOM WHO HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED
This mom may seem like a hoarder, but in reality she’s just a collector of random shit that will impress people. Totally different. Also, we are not ones to talk about hoarding as evidenced by our closets. Anyway, Tovolo is the perfect place to shop for this mom because while it’s super fun for us to look through all the fun kitchen gadgets they have, it will be that much more fun for her because she’ll know exactly what to do with whatever you get her. “OMG, skull ice molds?! This will be perfect for Debbie’s divorce party!” We love their Clear Ice System and Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker.
FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS LOSES SHIT
As a young mom, this one relied on her children to remind her of her dentist appointments or whenever she accidentally left the stove on. Though she’s the most scatter-brained person you know, she’s so lovable you’ve never (really) faulted her for it. Plus, her lack of having her shit together taught you how to be a proactive, multitasking betch. To make this mom’s life a little easier as her brain is only getting worse with age (sorry but it’s true), get her Tile for Mother’s Day so you never have to get another phone call about her missing keys again. All she has to do is attach the little Tile to whatever it is she loses every day and connect it to her phone through Bluetooth and voilà, when she needs to find either thing she can make ‘em ring (I did not do that on purpose but I apologize).
FOR THE MOM WHO REALLY WANTS TO LOSE 3 POUNDS BUT HATES THE GYM
This mom might sound very familiar because she is all of us. She would much rather spend an hour at book club talking shit than hitting the gym, but the thought of showing up to Southampton for the summer in her current state is freaking her out. Do her a favor and buy her HUM Nutrition’s Skinny Bird, a natural weight loss supplement. If you’re feeling really generous, they also have a “Turn Back Time” supplement that helps with skin cell protection. Time to pop some pills!
FOR THE BRAND NEW MOM
This mom has been MIA because she is now with child and a real human and also struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Brighten up her day by getting her little Betch In Training a baby onesie from Shop Betches.
FOR THE MOM WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO
This mom has always been your business betch inspiration, as you’ve admired her for balancing her work and home life so well. Despite being super important at her company, she somehow found the time to proofread all your high school papers and prepped you for every job interview you’ve ever had. Soap & Glory is the perfect cheeky and empowering cosmetic brand that this mom absolutely NEEDS in her life. Since she’s always running from mandatory family breakfast to business meeting, get her some of our favorites like their Rushower Dry Shampoo and their Hand Food hydrating hand cream.
FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS KEEPS IT SIMPLE
This mom is a woman of few words, but always knows what to say. You can find her in the yoga studio in the morning and hosting a charity dinner party by night. She’s the one who taught you that doing things for others is like, important. Not one for flashy things but a lover of the arts, this mom would love a piece from Adam Marc Jewelry. Our favorite pieces are the Kim Star Choker and the Rafaeli 14k Gold Bar Necklace. Use code BETCHES20 for 20% off—your mom will never have to know you didn’t pay full price.
