When this season of The Bachelorette began, I stated my one wish: that Hannah would, to quote myself, ” “f*ck it” when the format of the show no longer her.” This week, Hannah did say f*ck it, and decided she’s taking four men to fantasy suites. And I. was. ELATED. (If sad for every other Bachelorette that came before.) Ultimately, I question the idea that you can meet someone on a reality show far less than the idea that you fall in and out of love on cue, perfectly timed to a series of rose ceremonies. So, Hannah refusing to eliminate someone—and putting her own timetable on these relationships—convinced me that she’s a) not faking it, and b) learning from past Bachelorette mistakes.
All too often on The Bachelorette (Bachelor too, but less emotional), we see the lead send home someone promising, and be absolutely shattered by it after. When it came down to it, they tell the camera between sobs, there was that little tiny bit less with the person who left than the ones who stayed. But imagine this: if these leads weren’t being rigorously told that they needed to send someone home on a schedule every week, how many of those relationships might have gone on longer? Is there a chance that previous leads would have made different choices, if their third or fourth runner-up had been given a little more time? How many people sent home contestants because they could genuinely say there was less promise there—and how many because they felt they had no choice?
RIP, my sweet Peter.
I know, I know: it’s a reality dating show, and frankly, one that would be dull as hell without mandated, recurring eliminations. But the show works so hard to convince viewers their contestants have found real, lasting love (hello, TV spots of still-together couples at every feasible opportunity). And the fact is, these relationships are most convincing when they don’t follow an ABC-scripted timetable. I believed Hannah’s interest in Luke P. and Jed, only because she was ignoring such glaring red flags from both—but it wasn’t until she refused to send anyone home that I thought she might be seriously interested in Tyler and Peter too.
What Hannah did wasn’t particularly polite. If I were Jed or Luke, I would be steaming; Tyler or Peter, lightly annoyed. But more people should be insanely, ragingly rude in their turn as the Bachelorette. These women have (supposedly) put their lives on hold to accomplish one goal: so why the f*ck would now be a time to worry about manners, or hurting someone’s feelings? Arie and Colton certainly didn’t share those concerns, and if you’re curious how that worked out, I’d be happy to direct you to baby Luyendyk’s Instagram. Yes, Colton and Arie made a complete hash of things, and Hannah’s handled herself far better, but the concept is the same.
Remember when Colton tried to make Tayshia and Hannah G. make him feel better for dumping them? Yeah, Hannah’s not doing that.
If you’re here for one of the most important missions of your life—if you’re really, truly taking this seriously—why would you accept for a single second that you “have to” send someone home before you’re ready? Or keep anyone around a second longer than you’re interested in seeing them? I fail to believe that Hannah is the first Bachelorette who wanted to keep someone longer. But she’s the first Bachelorette to do it, and that’s a win if I’ve ever seen one.
I hope Hannah finds the love of her life on this show, I really do (not Jed). But more than that, I hope she comes out with zero regrets about how she handled the process—a claim I worry too few previous Bachelorettes can make. The way Hannah handled herself this past week convinced me that, pending secret ex-girlfriends she had no way of knowing about, she made the best possible choices she could this season. And if I see another Bachelorette go through a season pretending her emotions are perfectly in line with ABC’s plan every week, I’ll f*cking riot.
Now that ABC is almost finished exploiting the shit out of the Corinne and Demario scandal and Bachelor in Paradise itself is as boring as that time my bf made me watch baseball, the only thing people really have to talk about regarding our fave show is who tf the next Bachelor is going to be. And, tbh no one really knows because all of the options suck. Dean is proving to be a total fuckboy on BiP. Eric is a total snooze-fest. And the best choice, model bae Peter, takes marriage seriously enough to not want to get engaged to a person he’s known for six weeks. Fucking psycho.
At first, exec producer Mike Fleiss hinted that Peter would make a terrible Bachelor because he probs won’t propose at the end of the show, which is kinda the whole point. Fair. Then former Bachelor bae Ben Higgins answered the question no one asked and said he would not be the next Bachelor. K, didn’t think you would be. And yesterday we reported that Reality Steve recently came out saying ABC actually does want Peter as the Bachelor and he told them no. All three of these scenarios lead us to a place where we still have no fucking clue who the next Bachelor will be. But the saga continues, my fellow trash-TV-watching friends. And who does the latest report come from? None other than fucking Chris Harrison himself. Harrison told PEOPLE that Peter “may make a great Bachelor. It’s not like it’s completely off the table.”
Just for complete disclosure, Harrison also said shit like on Rachel’s season Peter “learned that he’s not quite ready to really settle down and really commit” and that Peter being the Bachelor would be “really hard to spin.” But that’s bullshit. If I’ve learned anything in my decades of watching reality TV, it’s that you can spin anything. You’re telling me the hottest gap-toothed model to ever grace our televisions finding a woman he’s so sure is The One that his fears of getting married are erased, despite only going on four actual dates together wouldn’t bring in viewers? Smh, ABC. You’re better than this. So here’s hoping some miracle happens and Chris Harrison works his magic so Peter bae can fulfill his high school dream and become the Bachelor. Because choices B-D are bleak.
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This week on Betch Slapped, the girls discuss the Bachelorette, Game of Thrones and Michael Kors. We answer listeners questions about whether a guy’s excuse that he just got over a breakup is a legitimate reason to end things. They play would you rather games and give their thoughts on piercing babies’ ears.
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