The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Pachi Is In The House

Welcome back, Bachelor fam, to another Monday spent at the mercy of ABC! In the five days since the last episode of The Bachelor aired, the weather reports in my area have ranged from 60 degree days to 30 degree days, from hurricane and extreme flooding warnings to snow and black ice alerts. If this is not a sign from God Herself that this show is blasphemous and the beginning of the end for all humanity, then I’m not sure what is. Luckily for you betches, a hellmouth could literally swallow me whole and, as long as I have access to the WiFi and a way to stream the latest episode, I would not consider it a red flag. 

This week, Peter and his co-pilots will be in Lima, Peru, and 10 bucks says Peter is going to meet the women in a full-on poncho and sombrero get-up. He’s one with the people, you guys!!

ME: Maybe ABC won’t flaunt Peter’s loose Cuban heritage in a bid to seem more diverse and inclusive.
PETER: Yes mamí, it’s Pachi!!

Christ. Never mind. 

Before any date cards can be read, Peter shows up at the hotel to beg for the women’s adoration once more. “Please take this seriously,” he says with a giant boo-boo on his head. I guess it’s getting close to Hometowns now, and he wants to remind them that he’s not just going to show up in a place like Iowa for them NOT to sleep with him in the fantasy suite, mmkay?

Madison’s One-On-One Date

Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and it’s the first bit of actual screen time she’s had since week one when she walked out of the limo. Seriously, when her name was called it took me a solid few minutes to even place her outside of a group date or a rose ceremony when she’s not surrounded by at least three other women’s hair extensions. 

I love that Madison puts on those spider eyelashes for the occasion and Peter decides to leave his maxipad of a bandaid at home. It’s the little things that can keep a romance alive. 

Peter says that Madi is his best friend here, and I can absolutely see that. I half expect this date to end with the two of them making friendship bracelets or looking at each other’s Pinterest boards for caption inspo for their Instagram posts of this date. 

Their date is actually pretty cute, but it’s hard for me to root for them when I’ve seen absolutely zero of their romance play out on-screen. She tells Peter that she’s in this for him and she can see them together after the show and it’s like, I can barely see them together now!! 

Okay, these soft kisses are making me GAG. Butterfly kisses are things I wrote about in my 7th grade diary, but have no place on a Peruvian boat date with grown-ass adults!!

As we move into the evening portion of the date, Madison reveals that she does, in fact, have some baggage to reveal before Peter makes a decision about her and Hometowns. You can tell Peter is running through all the scenarios of what it could possibly be in his mind. He’s like “maybe it’s divorce? Bullying? That she only placed third in her last pageant??”

Oh god, it’s worse. So much worse. Madison reveals to Peter that she’s actually very religious and, look, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s no place for it on a show whose very foundation is built on spitting on the sanctity of marriage. Suddenly the butterfly kisses are making so much more sense. And here I thought she was just going to tell him that she still has a hymen! 

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She tells him that she has a very strong relationship with the lord and so does her dad, and I would LOVE to know what her daddy thinks about Peter’s little windmill claim to fame. She mentions her faith and the lord about 12 more times and Peter’s like “yeah same, same, but I’m the kind of Christian who still likes to watch porn, you know?” 

PETER: Let’s not let this little thing like THE LORD get in the way of us f*cking though, k?

Always the diplomat, Peter. 

Wooooooow. Did Peter just say he was falling in love with her?! That’s kind of soon considering we only just met Madison this week! He gives Madison the rose, so I guess we’ll get to see firsthand what her god-fearing father thinks of Peter and his salsa hips. Can’t wait!

Natasha’s One-On-One Date

Hannah Ann announces that Natasha is getting the second one-on-one date of the week—at least that’s what I think she said, but honestly it’s hard to tell after she absolutely butchered reading that date card. It was less of a pronunciation and more of just a series of mumbles followed by a loud “yay!” Clearly Hannah Ann doesn’t have as great a grasp on the Spanish language as Peter does. Perhaps Pachi will give you a lesson later!

Natasha walks out to meet Peter and you can tell he literally cannot pick her out of a crowd. He’s looking left and right until a producer helpfully points in her general direction. But, sure, tell me more about their strong connection, ABC!

I love that he keeps bringing up his injury. He’s like “doesn’t it look good without the Band-Aid??” and Natasha has to hold in a dry heave while pretending to be interested in his still-oozing wound.

Don’t lie, Natasha. You’re better than that.

Peter says that he’s still unsure about Natasha, but he always has a “good time” with her. If my dog could talk, this is what she’d say about me. 

I’ve been racking my brain as to why Peter would keep Natasha around for so long when there seems to be zero romantic chemistry between the two of them, and now I’m starting to think it’s maybe because he’s scared of her. The last time he forgot to show her affection, she completely commandeered his rose ceremony and made him eliminate the only girl he was excited about taking to the Fantasy Suites. 

My theory is further proven when he throws on a Peruvian hat and pretends to be the lord of the dance. If you can’t find the courage to dump someone, you might as well disgust them into leaving of their own accord, amiright Peter?

Seriously, what fresh hell is this?

He’s like, “I’ve seen many sides of you” and it’s like, is that what we’re calling being cursed out at a rose ceremony these days? Natasha seems pleased by this conversation, so he continues to lay the compliments on thick. He keeps saying things like “you’re so bold and feisty,” and these are adjectives I use to describe myself on dating app profiles when I actually mean “outwardly hostile.” I’m on to you, Peter.

Things are not looking great for our girl Tash as we head into the evening portion of the date. Natasha seems to think that just because Peter is slightly frightened of her, that means that he’ll keep her around. Noticing his hesitance, she brings up the fact that she’s 31, as if this is supposed to make him recognize that she’s emotionally mature enough for marriage and not just make him physically recoil, as he’s doing at this very moment. Look, Natasha, the median age of the women left this season is “legal enough,” so I doubt that’s going to impress him, sweetie. 

ME: I hope Peter treads very carefully. She’s 31 and felt like her last option for marriage involved a reality dating show. She clearly has nothing left to lose.
PETER: *dangles the rose in front of her face* Let’s be friends, K?

PETER. Why would you pick up the rose and then not hand it to her?! Peter admits that he only has platonic feelings for Natasha and, while I think it’s f*cking cruel and unusual punishment to tell her like this as he dangles a rose (and her last chance at marriage) right in front of her face, this really should have been done weeks ago. 

You were a real one, Natasha. Can’t wait to see you in Paradise, girl!

Kelsey’s One-On-One Date

Moving on! Kelsey gets the last one-on-one date of the week, and she’s worried that this means she’ll be sent home like Natasha. Kelsey, honey, the man took your side in an argument over CHAMPAGNE. I think you’re good.

Peter keeps saying how much he loves exploring and going on adventures and it’s like, the last time you “explored” a stationary golf cart you split your forehead open like Humpty Dumpty. Should you really be pushing your luck with this four-wheeler? All I know is that if I have to see another lumpy flesh-colored bandage I’ll kill myself. I will.

I can tell Kelsey is really into him because she doesn’t even seem turned off by Peter’s heavy breathing as he climbs that small hill. He’s acting like he needs one of those masks that falls out of the overhead compartment, he’s so out of breath.

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I could do a slow Runyon hike date but full sprint up a Peruvian hillside? Just pre-load my luggage in the van tbh. Tune in to @siriusxm 109 tomorrow morning from 7-10AM, when the hilarious @jaredfreid will be back to talk about how Natasha is too good for Peter. #thebachelor 🌹

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Honestly, I’m hoping Kelsey makes it to hometowns. I’ve been dying to know what a “professional clothier” is for weeks now. Does it mean she works at a Kohl’s, folding last season’s LC by Lauren Conrad, OR does it mean she actually does unboxing videos on IG, but only of clothes she bought herself? The suspense is killing me!!!

Peter asks Kelsey about what he can expect from Iowa if he was to go to her hometown, and she tells him broken dreams and a confrontation with her absentee father. Um, I’m pretty sure he was just wondering if there was like, a county fair or some cultural landmark he couldn’t miss, but sure that answer works too. 

I will say that this is the first date where Kelsey hasn’t been edited to seem like some sort of drunken monster, and I love it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, deranged looks good on her, but it’s nice to see other facets of her personality. She actually seems like a real person, and I can understand why Peter likes her. When he gives her the rose, I’m not opposed. Carry on. 

The Group Date

Instead of an official rose ceremony, we’re told that the final roses will be given out during a group date between Kelley, Victoria F, and Hannah Ann. To ease their concerns, Peter leaves them with a date card that just says: “tomorrow won’t be easy.” Lol PETER! I haven’t seen something this foreboding since Moira Rose’s The Crows Have Eyes 3 trailer.

If anyone is not worried about this date, it’s Kelley. She knows that her competition is a girl who is young enough to think liking Hilary Duff is “vintage” and Victoria F, who won’t stop crying. Yeah, I’d like those odds too. 

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Okay is it just me, or does it feel like every time Kelley talks about Peter she’s insulting him? I LOVE IT. 

IS HE BRINGING UP THE BANDAGE THING AGAIN?! He’s like “I got the bandage off you guys!” Yes, Peter, we can tell! That lumpy piece of fabric glued to your forehead was not fooling anyone. We knew it wasn’t skin!

Peter launches into some Spanish with the locals, as if any of the women on this date are going to understand what they’re saying. Hannah Ann is over here trying to remember the bits of Spanish she learned on her IG influencer trip to Cabo last year, while Kelley looks for animal shapes in the clouds. I’m guessing “mas tequila” isn’t going to cut it on this date, Hannah Ann! 

Peter pulls Hannah Ann aside first, and I feel like this is because he’s the most sure about her—or at least the most sure that he’d like to take her to the Fantasy Suites. During their last date, he voiced some concerns about their connection not being very deep. He wanted Hannah Ann to open herself up to him more emotionally. It seems she really took this advice to heart, because she came to the group date armed with a page ripped straight out of her diary. 

You guys, she dots her i’s with hearts!! Is this supposed to convince him she’s ready for something as serious as holy matrimony?? I bet you 100 million dollars that the other side of that sheet says “Mrs. Weber.” Or, more appropriately, “Señora Weber.”

Kelley goes second, and I’m worried she might be drunk. She’s like, flailing around, talking about how much fun she’s had on this trip. Meanwhile, Peter is giving her the same look my dad gave me when he saw my FB photo album from my sophomore year spring break trip to Daytona Beach. He’s not mad, he’s just disappointed. 

I think Peter is worried that Kelley might not be serious enough for him, and I get why he thinks that. She isn’t falling all over her feet to impress him, and she keeps using the word “fun” in the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think she’s serious about him per se, but she’s not expressing herself in the typical Bachelor-contestant way. It’s a shame, because I think this might be her downfall and I love her. 

After having a mature, well-adjusted conversation with Kelley, Peter gets to witness a truly deranged meltdown from Victoria F. 

PETER: *says something completely reasonable*
VICTORIA: I just feel like you’re always in a mood!!!

YOU’RE ALWAYS IN A MOOD. These are things I’ve said to my mom after she helped me with my taxes and then dares ask me do a favor for her in return. These are NOT things you say to your future husband when he asks you about your future together.

And, like, what are they even fighting about? All she ever does is mumble sh*t under her breath and cry. I’m over it. 

It’s time to hand out the roses, and I’d like to say Peter would send Victoria home, but I’m not as confident as Kelley about that. She’s like, “I don’t know how Peter could send me home. Look at me, I’m an attorney” but I almost have a feeling that’s not going to work in your favor, Kel.

Okay wait. Is he sending Victoria home?! He grabbed the rose but also he’s walking her out of the house like he’s about to pass her off to security. Would Peter actually make a mature, level-headed decision about his future? Could it really be?

Oh wait, sike! He’s keeping her. Peter says that he and Victoria just have a “unique relationship” which is definitely code for “I’d still like to see her naked in the near future.” Ah, yes. It’s making all the sense in the world now. 

And then there were two. It’s down to Hannah Ann and Kelley, a girl who signs her name like the 8-year-old who lives down the street from me, and an age-appropriate woman with a sparkling personality and actual career. Sadly, I already know where this is going. And what do you know! He gives Hannah Ann the final rose. 

I guess Kelley shouldn’t have said the word “fun” so much. Either that, or she shouldn’t have been born in the earlier half of the 1990s. 

Okay, I am LIVING for Kelley’s exit interview in the limo. She points out that Peter might think he’s ready for marriage, but his actions speak differently. The women he’s surrounded himself with have the emotional maturity of a kindergarten class. You did it to yourself, Petey! 

And that’s a wrap for this week, betches! Hometowns are next week, so start preparing yourself now for Pachi to introduce himself in Spanish to Midwesterners. Until then!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @pambino15 /Twitter (1); @michcoll /Instagram (1); @the_snatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornationexclusive /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: This Is A Hostage Situation

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Welcome back to the Betches’ Bachelor recap! We’re now on day two, hour four (OUT OF FIVE!!) of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor’s production schedule. At this point it feels like these episodes could be used as some sort of war-time torture method, because I would give up state secrets and the location of the last horcrux to not have to micro-analyze one more house disagreement over champagne. With that in mind, let’s just skip the BS and get right into the recap!

Monday night’s episode ended with Shiann dropping a major bombshell on Peter. After her elimination during the Costa Rica rose ceremony she let Peter know that—GASP!—some of the women are not there for the right reasons. I’m not sure what gave them away, Shiann—the fact that their bio line reads “swipe up and use code HannahAnn1” instead of  the standard “professional nanny” or “marketing manager,” or that literally every group date has been a modeling agent’s wet dream—but good on you for figuring it out, girl!

Peter seems equally unfazed by this revelation, as it’s not even addressed in the first few moments of the episode. Instead we learn that Peter and his ladies are headed off to Santiago, Chile for another week of living, laughing, and loving. Peter says that this week is about to get “hot and spicy,” and he says that with far too much confidence for a man who is sporting a bandaid the size of a maxi pad on his forehead rn.

Just… no. 

Hannah Ann’s One-On-One Date

Peter is feeling hopeful that by eliminating Lexi and Shiann, two girls who never started any drama in the house, last week, the remainder of his journey to find love will be smooth sailing. Lol k. He wants this to be more about the connections and less about refereeing fights over who uses alcohol to mask their pain and who just likes to get drunk and cry by the pool for perfectly reasonable reasons. He decides to test this theory out by asking Hannah Ann on the first one-on-one date of the week, and he does this right in front of the other girls as if Tammy isn’t going to set fire to everything Hannah Ann holds dear. 

Okay, I’m dying at these two speaking Spanish to each other as if the last time they spoke the language wasn’t during their high school Spanish class. I would LOVE to get a translator in here to see what they’re really saying to each other. I mean, Hannah Ann can’t even string a sentence together in English without completely butchering it. Please. 

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As they explore Santiago, we’re told that Hannah Ann is the “fun one” of the group, but I would like to see some more evidence of that. Is this because Peter rubbed food all over her face and she didn’t immediately murder him for it? Is that the baseline for having a personality these days? Because if so, I’ve got that in spades.

Peter brings up some concerns about Hannah Ann’s age, but I’m confused. Aren’t half the girls who are left still, like, a semester away from graduating college? Maybe don’t say you want a mature woman and then eliminate almost every girl who could tell you what a 401k is, hmm?

Peter asks if she’s ever been in love before, and the answer she gives is similar to the one I’ve used when a guy asks me if I’ve orgasmed after exactly two minutes of foreplay. She’s like “yes, definitely, OF COURSE. But also…”  Yes, Peter, you should be scared. 


Peter brings up her age AGAIN during the dinner portion of the date, so I guess he’s really concerned about this. He’s like “so where do you see yourself in five years? Married? With kids?” and it’s like, crickets in the room. 

Honestly, I understand where Peter’s coming from here. He’s pushing 30 and she still thinks Comic Sans is a professional font. I don’t think any girl under the age of 26 should be on this show. If you’re still on your parents’ health insurance, then you’re too young to have exhausted all of your options for love. You just are! You don’t need this show. And Hannah Ann is what, 23? When I was her age, my most mature relationship was with the guy at Vito’s Pizza who wouldn’t charge me for a side of ranch if I showed him my bra strap. I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage, or kids, or a relationship with a guy who called me during daylight hours. 

She says something about “diving into the shallow waters of life,” and that’s the biggest indicator about her age, because I’m sure she stole that quote off of the Marilyn Monroe poster hanging on her bedroom wall. 

While Peter is having a tough time coming to terms with Hannah Ann’s age, you know what he isn’t having a tough time with? The back of her throat. Working out fundamental issues in your relationship by letting a guy dry hump you to completion in a back alley behind a restaurant is suuuuuch a 23-year-old way to handle the issue. But brava, Hannah Ann, because it works! He gives her the rose and I can’t wait to see what other sage words of wisdom she’ll be able to bring to their relationship, pulled straight from her Pinterest board. I’m thinking something along the lines of “beer before liquor, never been sicker,” but I guess only time will tell. 

The Group Date 

I love that ABC is like “what’s there to do in Chile? Telenovelas!” Yeah, that doesn’t feel problematic at all. For the group date, the girls will be acting out a telenovela, and you can tell some of them are going to need a translator here, because they’re giving far too many blank stares for a date where they’ll get the opportunity to be in front of a camera again. Perk up, MyKenna! Just think of what it will do for your brand!

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Okay, Kelley being cast as Peter’s grandma while the rest of the women get to be bored housewives or hot divorcées is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. 

KELLEY: At the end of the day I’m just going to say incest is best on this one.

Oh, Kelley. Remember three weeks ago when you didn’t want to participate in the pillow fight group date because it might make you look unprofessional, and now you’re making incest jokes on national television? What would your clients say if they could see you now?

I love that MyKenna thinks she relates most to the role of a maid as she dusts one of the tables with the wrong end. Sure, Jan.


Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Peter is like “wow you all are stunning, I’m so shocked you’re here for me. Seriously, why? Explain yourselves.” I would like to hear this too, Peter!

Is it just me or does it feel like Hot Victoria is hoping Peter sends her home tonight? I just can’t think of another explanation for why she came dressed like it’s the “hoes & CEOs” mixer at her sorority house. 

Okay, WAIT. Is PETER dumping HER?! If anything I thought she would see herself out. I’m truly shocked that he wouldn’t hold onto her until at least the Fantasy Suites. He tells her that he just doesn’t see her as his wife, and that’s shocking to hear considering the girls he has left in this game. Exhibit A:

Damn. I can’t believe she’s really leaving! Peter asks if he can walk her out and Hot Victoria physically recoils. She’s looking at him like girls with asses like hers do not get dumped by guys with faces like his, and she’s right. 

Elsewhere, Tammy refuses to learn her lesson about starting sh*t in the house. Since her attack on Kelsey didn’t go over so well, she’s set her sights on MyKenna and, honestly, I’m disappointed in her. MyKenna? Really? I get that she’s an easy target and all, but that feels a little too much like going for the low-hanging fruit—even for me! And that’s sort of my whole thing. 

Tammy asks MyKenna if she has any responsibilities outside of this show and it’s like, of course she doesn’t, sweetie. She has a blog that makes $2K a year in revenue and a daddy who thinks a viable excuse for her using the emergency Amex card is that she needed to buy new Yeezys for her Instagram’s vibe.  

Madison gets the group date rose, and it makes a lot of sense because she’s been playing this game like a PRO. I’ve barely seen her on my television screen this entire season, and that’s the way you want to play it. You don’t want to be involved in the drama (Tammy) and you don’t want to start off strong only to have your connection fizzle out later (Hot Victoria). Take it from Catherine Lowe—under the radar is exactly where you want to be. 

Victoria F’s One-On-One Date

Victoria F gets the second one-on-one date of the week and she starts on a good note, by reminding the good folks back home that one time she banged Chase Rice. Subtle. She’s like “I’m not sure if you remember but my ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, really sabotaged my last one-on-one date even though I’m totally over him, and by ‘him’ I mean Chase Rice. Chase Rice as in the musician Chase Rice. Chase Rice.” Say crack Chase Rice one more time, Victoria! 

Also, I’m sure Chase Rice isn’t losing sleep at night when he’s watching you and Peter square dance on a horse farm, but please do go on. 

CHASE RICE: Do I still want Victoria?
CHASE RICE: Nah, I’m good. 

While the date starts out well (or however one would describe what my eyeballs witnessed on that dude ranch), Victoria F admits to Peter that she’s really struggling here. She’s so shy and timid and blah, blah, blah. God, I can’t with this whole insecure act anymore. Poor Victoria. But you know what? I’m sure a sudden photoshoot would turn that frown right around! She’s always talking about what a wallflower she is, and then the second there are cameras, an audience, or a chance to win Revolve’s spring line, she’s suddenly a social f*cking butterfly. Please.

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Victoria F is still being the biggest Debbie Downer. You can tell Peter as at his wit’s end with her. She keeps saying how she doubts her relationship with him and it’s like, actually you’ve had more alone time with him than anyone. You’ve had two one-on-one dates and every rose ceremony you get to rub one out on each other. What more do you want from the man!?

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I love how she’s like “this is the most I’ve ever tried with anyone!!!” as if Peter should be so grateful for this fact. I bet Chase Rice and his DMs would beg to differ. 

I will say, I appreciate how direct Peter is being with all of the girls this season. He’s outright asking about their intentions now, instead of waiting until the end of the line when his only option is to jump a fence. Usually when I’m on a date, my idea of being “direct” and “defining the relationship” is asking the guy to pass me a napkin, and then if he does it that’s confirmation enough that we’re exclusive and getting married soon, and somehow that just never works in my favor. It’s crazy.

PETER: No one has ever given me this much sh*t before and I think I might be… hard? Will you accept this rose?

Modern dating, ladies and gentlemen. 

The 2-On-1 Date: Tammy vs. MyKenna

Tbh, I was expecting more from the infamous 2-on-1 date. Tammy and MyKenna feel like a pretty random pairing for this. Sure, they had beef this episode, but otherwise we haven’t really seen them interact. What gives, ABC?

MyKenna launches into this very pretty speech about how she’s a strong-ass woman just living her truth, and it’s like, are you though?? I get the feeling she’s the kind of girl who thinks feminism looks like Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video, and she had to skip the Women’s March because brunch. 

Peter tells MyKenna and Tammy that he’s sick of both of their sh*t, and frankly that’s valid. He pulls Tammy aside first to get to the root of their feud, and the way she handles this line of questioning is a choice for sure. Wow. She’s not going about this AT ALL in the right way. She’s been at the center of too much drama, and when Peter asks to hear her side of things she should have just said “let’s focus on us and not the drama,” but instead she’s out here name dropping her company and talking about MyKenna’s hashtags. Not a good look, sweetie.

WHAT. PETER IS SENDING TAMMY HOME?? He tells MyKenna that he’s keeping her because he trusts her, but I trust her about as far as I could throw her. 

The Rose Ceremony

So was the 2-on-1 just a pregame to the rose ceremony? Because I’m confused. We immediately move from Tammy’s elimination into a rose ceremony cocktail party. The girls are relieved that Tammy is gone, but also extremely nervous because now they’ve lost their scapegoat for the evening. They’ll just have to rely on their personalities or something to make it through to the next round. Lol good luck ladies!!

As Peter starts handing out roses, I’m really not sure who is going home tonight. I feel like it might be the end of the road for Natasha and MyKenna, but then why not eliminate MyKenna 30 minutes ago and call it a day? I 100% do not think he’s into Natasha at all. He says he wants an age-appropriate woman, but Peter strikes me as the kind of guy who still whispers the words “over thirty” when he talks about a person’s age in a group setting. 

In a truly SHOCKING twist, Peter gives his final rose to Kelley, which means Sydney and MyKenna are both going home tonight.

Sydney’s parting words were “I enjoyed this,” and I just snorted into my wine glass. That is the same response I gave when my boss asked me to rate the last company happy hour she planned at Applebee’s. 

And that’s all I have for you hoes! After two nights and five hours of Bachelor footage, I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot take any more of it. Do you hear me, ABC?? I’M CRYING UNCLE!! Until next week! Adios, bitchachos! 

For more on The Bachelor, check out the first episode of Betchelor Center:

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The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tammy Is A Narc

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Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to another week in paradise Cleveland! Strap in kids because—trigger warning!!!—tonight’s episode will be THREE HOURS long. You know what should be three hours long? My lunch break. You know what shouldn’t be three hours long? The footage from the bonfire these women threw to roast Peter’s apology for keeping Alayah. Speaking of which, as some of you may recall, last week Peter did the unthinkable and kept a woman in the house whom the others don’t particularly like. This was a decision Peter made based on Alayah’s kind heart, and I’m sure it had absolutely nothing to do with the size of the chest covering said heart. But while that explanation might have gone over well in his fantasy football group chat, that sh*t ain’t flying here. 

The episode ended with the women turning on Peter and taking over the house. This is no longer Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor, this is their season. They’re the captains now and they will decide collectively who is right for Peter, and who should be banished to Cleveland for the remainder of their days.  

The Rose Ceremony #1

Which brings us to where we left off, at the rose ceremony. Like, do these girls not give a sh*t at all that Peter is actually the lead of this show? I know they’re pissed about this whole Alayah thing, but it’s not their goddamn show! It’s Peter’s! They don’t actually get to call the shots here. 

Peter pulls Alayah aside, takes one last longing look at her cleavage, and then rescinds her rose. No!! Peter!! You don’t let the inmates run the asylum! He wants Alayah to know it’s not you, it’s them. It wasn’t part of his training in flight school to learn how to deal with confrontation or confined spaces full of irate people, that’s what the flight attendants were always for!

PETER: I don’t care at all what the girls say about you, Alayah, but also they told me to send you home and I’m afraid of them so I’m going to.

the girls have gone wild

Okay, #JusticeForAlayah because this sh*t is messed up. I think this elimination would feel more satisfactory if her crimes didn’t involve using her amazing rack to bewitch a man for attention. I mean, who among us hasn’t?? Alayah, girlfriend, please contact me if you’d ever like help burning the Bachelor mansion to the ground because I AM IN. 

Coming back into the house, Peter looks like a man defeated. His immediate course of action is to cut off the head of the hydra and apologize to Natasha first. She was the ringleader of the “let’s all just stab Caesar Alayah” campaign and her approval means he might live to see another day in this house. Smart thinking, Peter.

Okay, is he going to apologize to everyone individually?? Usually all a man has to do is whisper an “I’m sorry” to get me wet, but watching Peter beg for forgiveness 13 different times is just making my reproductive organs want to shrivel up and die. 


Peter, blink once if you’re okay, twice if you need me to send someone to do a wellness check. I’m concerned.

Heading into the actual rose ceremony and it almost seems like Peter might send himself home at this point. I wouldn’t be opposed. Instead he sends Savannah, Kiarra, and Deandra home, and no one is more shocked about this than Deandra. I can’t tell what’s a harder pill for her to swallow: getting dumped by a man who spent the last few hours groveling at the feet of every woman in that room or having to tell her friends that the most exotic place her Bachelor journey took her was Cleveland

Deandra The Bachelor

The remaining women are in good spirits when Peter tells them that they’ll finally be leaving this earth-based purgatory otherwise known as Cleveland. MyKenna starts to openly weep when she realizes she’ll get to go somewhere where the locals aren’t still calling Bermuda shorts “fashion.” He’s like, “we’re going somewhere with lush jungles and gorgeous volcanos” and you can tell some of the women are worried he’s describing Yosemite or some sh*t. No ladies, he’s talking about Costa Rica!!

PETER: Being a pilot I just love to explore. 

Just because you’ve explored every vagina in every Delta lounge around the world doesn’t make you cultured, Peter!

Peter meets up with the women in Costa Rica and he’s sporting a giant gash on his forehead. He gives some elaborate story about a puma he crossed paths with in the jungle and it’s like, Peter, was it really a puma or was it just Chris Harrison in an animal print shirt? Be honest. 

Also, 20 stitches is kind of a serious head wound, and the producers aren’t slowing down production by even one day. They’re like, “here’s a few pieces of flesh-colored tape to hold you together. I’m sure you’ll be fine!”

Sydney’s One-On-One Date

Sydney gets the first one-on-one date of the week and this feels less like a genuine offer on Peter’s part and more like a calculated move to get back into her good graces. He wants Sydney to know that he’s here for the right reasons, and to prove it to her, he won’t even fly the plane this time. The sacrifices he’s making for her are truly phenomenal. 

Woooooow there is a lot of ass-kissing happening on this date. Peter tells Sydney that he loves how she’s always looking out for him. LOL. If you call “looking out” sabotaging any of her competition who happen to have bigger boobs than her then, yes, she really looking out for you. 

Also, I don’t love that Peter keeps calling her mysterious and in response Sydney feels the need to clarify her ethnic background. I’m sure he just meant that he can’t guess what astrological sign you are…

You can tell Sydney is insecure about her relationship with Peter because she is layering on these sob stories. She talks about having an absentee father and her experience with bullying and how hard it was to grow up biracial in the South. She dives into this sad tale about eating lunches in the bathroom by herself, and, look, I’m not trying to discount her trauma or anything, but this is how I know these girls are children because they’re bringing up MIDDLE SCHOOL indiscretions to the man they want to marry. The only grudge I’m still holding from middle school is with JoJo for not releasing a second album. 

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Information I thought might be important

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I’m watching Peter take in this story, and you can tell that his biggest emotional baggage is that one time he accidentally called his kindergarten teacher “mom.” He just keeps nodding his head and making the noises I make whenever my dog does something cute on the Nest Cam. 

He calls Sydney a strong woman, and to highlight this statement, ABC treats us to a montage of soft-core porn. Ah, yes. Nothing says “I respect your inner strength” more than some highly publicized heavy petting that will surely result in one or both of them getting a yeast infection. Carry on. 

The Group Date

For the group date, we’re told the women are going to compete to be on the cover of Cosmo magazine and I didn’t realize that this entire season was going to be a crossover with America’s Next Top Model. This is now the second group date OUT OF FIVE where the women are modeling. Instead of a fantasy suite date, should we just see who can come up with the best swipe-up code based off their couples hashtag and be done with it? Because that the most chemistry we’re going to see this season. 

Okay, This “photoshoot” is just a thinly veiled orgy at this point. You’ve got Little Miss Shyness Victoria F practically straddling Peter in that lagoon, while MyKenna tries to slip her hand down his swim trunks. What kind of cover shoot is this??

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From the @cosmopolitan shoot. Who’s your fave?!🌹#thebachelor #thebachelorette #pilotpete #mcm #cosmo #photoshoot

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And would you look at that! Victoria F wins the cover shoot challenge. Cosmo keeps saying Victoria F showed “personality” and “spunk” and that’s why they chose her, but I wish they’d just say “was able to give Peter a semi” and be done with it. 

As we move into the cocktail portion of the evening, the mood is tense. It’s hard to say what the women are more upset about: having to watch Peter make out with a glistening Victoria F or losing their one-way ticket to a verified account on Instagram. You blew it, Hannah Ann! This was your one shot at finally modeling for more than just the Sonic employee handbook!

I love that Peter cannot take one single breath without one of the women jumping down his throat about something. Victoria F is like “guess what two days ago was” and Peter is looking frantically around for a producer to hold up the right answer on a cue card being her back. 

VICTORIA F: I’m 26 now. It’s so depressing.

off with her head

Something about Kelsey makes me think she carries wine around in her purse “just in case.” I love it. She tells Peter she’s sorry she’s such an insecure freak and you can tell Peter is eating this sh*t up. With these women he is so rarely the one with the control, and he loves having all the power here. She tells him that she’s falling in love with him, and you can tell Peter just got a little hard there. The emotions he gets from the women usually range from mild distaste to outright disgust, so an open declaration of love and adoration has to be good for his ego these days. 

Whatever headway Kelsey makes with that declaration is quickly extinguished when Tammy paints a vivid picture of Kelsey’s “struggles” with the process. She tells Peter about finding Kelsey crying by the pool next to an empty bottle of red, and it’s like who among us hasn’t been there, Tammy? I really don’t think that sobbing by the pool is grounds to bring anything up to our saucy Cuban lead. 

PETER: I just wanted to ask you….. are you crazy? An alcoholic maybe? What’s your deal?

OMG. Did he just seriously ask her if she had a mental breakdown the other day?! Peter! You can’t just call a girl unstable to her face!

In case you were wondering where I stand on this whole Tammy vs. Kelsey controversy: I stand with any and all public criers. My nickname in college used to be Moaning Myrtle because my nights at the club always ended in me sobbing into pizza and ranch dressing, and I genuinely don’t see what’s wrong with that. Have you even really lived if you haven’t been asked by management at least once in your twenties to leave a bar because you’re “killing the vibe”? I think not. Let’s move on. 

KELSEY: Do we want to talk about who called me emotionally unstable today?

Victoria is like, “it takes a strong woman to get through this” and it’s like, the only thing strong about this process is the content these girls are going to be able to use for their IG feed after the fact. Please. 

KELSEY: If it’s wrong to cry for four hours a day, then I don’t want to be right.

I don’t want to be right either, Kelsey! Keep living your truth, boo boo!

Kelley’s One-On-One Date

Kelley gets the second one-on-one date of the week, and I love that she’s going into this date with the mentality that she might have a friend call her with an “emergency” halfway through. Her lack of enthusiasm for Peter is even more apparent when she shows up dressed like she’s about to start her shift at the local KFC. Kelley, those pants are a crime against humanity and you should be whipped in the town square for even THINKING that should be allowed on my television screen. 

Peter wants to use this date as a way to figure out Kelley’s feelings for him. He wants to know if their love can transcend that one time they had a quickie in a hotel bathroom. To answer this question, Peter comes armed to the date get with candles and the help of the local medicine man. I love when the men use mysticism to suss out genuine connections abroad, but in real life if Kelley were to make a comment about the compatibility of their astrological signs Peter would have called her crazy. But, hey, when in Rome I suppose!

MEDICINE MAN: The energy from your candle is telling me you’re repressed.

Ah, yes. Just what every girl wants to hear on a date: that she’s repressed. What’s next? An in-depth discussion about how the body paint is telling him she’s frigid?

I’m not sure what Peter wants out of Kelley. He’s like, “she isn’t trying hard enough. She won’t even tell me about her parents divorce!” and it’s like, not everyone has a bunch of trauma porn for you to emotionally masturbate to. 

Kelley even mentioned earlier in the episode that she’s worried about their relationship because she doesn’t have a fun story about her childhood in a Russian orphanage to keep Peter interested. Why does having some elaborate deep, dark secret, equate to “opening up”? Like, maybe she her biggest trauma is that her Starbucks barista can never spell her name right on her coffee order. Can’t that be enough??

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kelsey sits down with Tammy to hash out their issues. Kelsey just wants to know why she would tell Peter about her sobbing by the pool. As I’ve said, I’m the girl who likes to openly weep in public so I have no issues with this behavior, but even if I did, it’s not like Kelsey was causing a scene in front of Peter. Tammy was the one who made it a thing by bringing it to Peter’s attention at the last rose ceremony. 

TAMMY: I guess I just like to handle my issues head on and not with alcohol.

you do

Jesus Tammy, this isn’t AA. Stop being such a narc. I mean, when I take a bottle of wine to the face it’s not a “problem” it’s just a Tuesday, okay!! 

Back on the date, Peter is out for blood. He’s like “I’m not doing this for a fun time” as he continues to pick the girls with the biggest racks. SURE, JAN. 

Kelley is handling this situation like she’s not living in a vacuum created by ABC. She’s making sound, level-headed points about not wanting to manufacture chemistry or blow smoke up his ass about her feelings for him. I think it’s mature and something that would make complete sense if they were dating in the real world. But they aren’t. She’s halfway through the Bachelor process. In reality, she probably has another week or two before she’s going to need to accept a proposal from him. It doesn’t feel like she’s there yet, and I feel like he should cut her loose for it. Peter sees the red flag, process the red flag, and then dismisses it completely by giving her a rose. Boy, that must have been some head she gave back at that Hampton Inn. 

Kesley’s One-On-One Date

Kelsey decides to take fate into her own hands. She’s not going to let another champagne finasco ruin her relationship with Peter, and so her plan is to show up unannounced at his bungalow and cry into his shoulder on his day off and everything. 100% emotionally stable behavior. This feels a little premature to me. I don’t think Kelsey needs to defend her sobs to Peter. He saw her take a bottle of champagne to the face, he knows what he’s he’s getting into. 

kelsey champagne bachelor

HE’S GIVING HER THE ROSE?! PETER! Do you want Kelsey to finish out the season, or do you want Tammy to wear her skin as a suit to tonight’s rose ceremony? Because you’re sending mixed signals here!!

Lol. I love that she’s like “uh you want me to walk into that house with this rose?” and he has the audacity to tell her it will be fine. It will NOT be fine! Have you ever seen the end of Lion King where Scar gets eaten alive by a hoard of angry hyenas? That is nothing compared to what Tammy has in store for Kelsey, just you wait. 

She shows up at the house and immediately launches into a speech about how she didn’t mean to steal a rose ahead of the rose ceremony, she just wanted to clear her good name. You know the producers obviously refused to let her into the house unless she showed off her rose. Her hands are SHAKING she’s so scared. I don’t know why she doesn’t just throw them under the bus and is like “look girls please don’t murder me but the producers let me do this so I took my chance! You would have done the same!”

The Rose Ceremony #2

Chris Harrison tells us there will be no cocktail party tonight and I’m worried that MyKenna might spontaneously combust into a cloud of angst and body glitter. The women decide that Kelsey is to blame for the sudden disappearance of their cocktail party and their anger feels a little misplaced. Are you really this upset about a cocktail party or are you upset that you might get sent home just when the travel spots are getting good? 

TAMMY: I heard you pop pills.
KELSEY: That’s not true! I only take Adderall and birth control!

Yeah, you’re not really helping yourself there, Kels.

The house descends into chaos when they hear Tammy started a pill popping rumor. It’s good to know that there’s a line even these monsters won’t cross for Peter’s attention. I love that they said Kelsey was having a mental breakdown but it seems they all are having mental breakdowns now. 

Well, well, well. Little Miss “No Friend To Eat Lunch With” is doing a phenomenal job of bullying Tammy into jumping off a cliff. 

The fight is put on hold for the rose ceremony, but just as Peter is about to get things started, Tammy asks if she can steal a moment of Peter’s time and then so does MyKenna, and now we’re having a full-on cocktail party in the middle of a rose ceremony. Peter was literally trying to avoid this exact thing. Peter’s like, “I know I succumbed to mob mentality last week but seriously you need to back the f*ck off and trust me.” FINALLY, Peter! I was just starting to think that in addition to the 20 stitches you also accidentally lost your balls in that golf carting accident . 

Lexi and Shiann are both sent home, and I’m shocked Tammy lived to see another day. Just as Shiann is about to head out she decides to mind-f*ck Peter on her way out. You love to see it. She tells him that some of the girls aren’t there for the right reasons and it’s like, yeah, Peter knows. He saw how their faces lit up during every “fashion” challenge. 

And that’s all I have for you betches! See you next week, and by that I mean in less than 48 hours. Kill me. 

Images: Giphy (7); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornation.scoop/Instagram (1)

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Peter Weber Busted His Face Open While Filming ‘The Bachelor’

Apparently ABC is really committing to making next season of The Bachelor the most dramatic ever, because Peter Weber had to make a little trip to the emergency room in the middle of filming. Yesterday, during a break from filming, Peter was playing golf in Costa Rica, when there was a little accident. According to reports, he was stepping onto the golf cart when he slipped and fell, with his face smashing into two cocktail glasses he was holding.

Peter was rushed to the hospital, which was apparently a two-hour drive from the golf course, and ended up needing 22 stitches in his face. That’s like, a large number of stitches, which leads me to believe that Peter’s face is looking pretty gnarly. People actually reported that Peter needed “emergency surgery” for his injuries, but other outlets are just reporting the stitches. Do stitches count as surgery? Please debate in the comments below.

Obviously, getting injured is rough for Peter, but the other problem here is that he’s in the middle of filming a TV show that runs on a tight schedule. This whole incident went down a day before the remaining contestants on Peter’s Bachelor season were scheduled to arrive in Costa Rica, so this is essentially a big mess.

At this point, we’re unsure whether or not filming will have to be delayed due to Peter’s injury, but ABC isn’t going to be able to hide the fact that their leading man had to have his face sewn back together. Is Peter just going to look like Frankenstein’s monster for the second half of the season? That might at least make him interesting. Mike Fleiss and his henchmen must have sensed that we were all disappointed with the anticlimactic fence jump last season, so this year, they’re bringing us the cocktail-glass-face-smash. I’m excited already.

Radar Online was the first to reveal Peter’s injury, and their anonymous source said that Peter is “pulling through” after the accident. I guess this is good news, even though I was never really worried that he wouldn’t make it. The source did add that “everyone is worried about production,” which could mean that Peter’s injuries are kind of serious, or it could mean absolutely nothing. Radar Online is the same site that famously got involved in Puppy-Gate on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, so I’ve learned to take their anonymous sources with a grain of salt.

Whether Peter needs a few days off or not, hopefully the women on The Bachelor still like him even with a jacked-up face. Maybe this is ABC’s plan to see who’s really there for the right reasons? But actually, I hope Peter is okay, because it’s seriously going to mess up my TV schedule if the new season can’t premiere in January as scheduled. We’re rooting for you, Pilot Pete!