I think we can all agree that while Netflix has been bringing it with the murder and scam documentaries lately, they’ve been sorely lacking in their monthly rom-com quotas. Look, don’t get it twisted. I love watching the fall of humanity one bingeable documentary at a time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate watching a bunch of very attractive twenty-somethings pretend to be very awkward high schoolers and somehow inspire my spiteful ass to believe in love again. That being said, brace yourselves, because Noah Centineo, aka Peter Kavinsky, aka the man who put his hand in Lara Jean’s back pocket (!!!), has a new movie coming out, and it is happening so so soon.
That’s right. This is not a drill, people. Our favorite barely legal Instagram thirst trap is gracing our screens once again, and I’m already making a note in my planner to call out sick when the movie drops on April 12th.
NETFLIX: Noah Centineo has a new moving coming out in two weeks.
Noah’s new movie is called The Perfect Date, and after having watched the trailer I just have, like, a lot of feelings. So let’s take a look at said trailer, shall we?
Let’s start with the opening scenes from the trailer. In a voiceover, Noah declares, “I’ve always wanted to date the most popular girl in school, drive the fanciest car, and go to the most prestigious school, but I can’t afford any of that.” I hate to break it to you, buddy, but if you think HIGH SCHOOL is too expensive for you, just wait until you find out it costs approximately $1,200 a month just to breath air as an adult.
Noah Centineo plays Brooks Rattigan, a poor nerd who, apparently, can only get a date if someone pays him. Lol, k. Are we really to believe, Netflix, that this face…
…can only get a date if it’s paid for?! If that’s true, then I think Noah can quit acting and start taking Venmo requests. I’ve got $168 in my savings account with his name on it. We’ll all set you up for life, bb.
But back to the premise. So Brooks Rattigan is poor and unpopular, despite looking like a goddamn snack in every scene he’s in. He’s working as a sandwich boy at an off-brand Subway, when one day he overhears two dudes talking about needing to pay someone to date their sister, and Noah is like “I volunteer as tribute, but only if I get to drive your car.” And the random dude SAYS YES. I take it back, this is starting to sound more and more like one of Netflix’s murder documentaries…
Brooks gets set up with a moody rich girl, Celia Lieberman, who I can already tell will be friend-zoned three seconds into this trailer because she has a personality and wears combat boots. Jesus. After his date with Celia, he decides that actually he’s pretty good at being a
f*ckboy “stand-in date,” and decides to make a living at it by making his own app WHERE HE SELLS HIMSELF AS A PLUS ONE. I’m sorry, but is Netflix encouraging the prostitution of a minor rn?? Because this sounds less like a fun side hustle, and more like something Olivia Benson will try and prosecute in this season’s finale of Law & Order SVU. My favorite is that Brooks looks so proud of himself for thinking he’s pioneered the sex trade industry.
am i really going to sit thru a third netflix movie for an audience demo 15yrs younger than me just bc it stars noah centineo? u betcha https://t.co/hjigtWKDM8
— ? (@oneofthosefaces) March 27, 2019
As you can imagine, with a face like that, Brooks is absolutely thriving in his career as an underage escort and even gets a date with the hottest, most popular girl in school, Shelby Pace (aka Camila Mendes). We know Shelby is the most popular girl in school because she wears an inordinate amount of fur and barely speaks, and apparently that is enough to qualify her as Brooks’ “dream girl.” K. After getting everything he wants though, Brooks realizes maybe he’s actually into Celia, despite her having a personality of her own. Who will he choose? Well, it’s a real Sophie’s Choice there…
As I said, this trailer left me with a lot of thoughts and feelings, but mostly I’m extremely hype for this thing to release. The cast is, like, the perfect mashup of The CW and Freeform’s most beautiful rejects, and there’s truly nothing I love more than watching adults pretending to be teenagers dry hump in a janitor’s closet.
The Perfect Date drops Friday, April 12th, so feel free to cancel your plans right f*cking now.
Images: Giphy (1); YouTube (1); @ncentineo /Instagram (1); @oneofthosefaces / Twitter
If you watched Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and have a pulse, then you’re probably as obsessed with Peter Kavinsky as we are. And by “Peter Kavinsky” I mean Noah Centineo aka the actor who plays him. First of all, I would just like to preface this article by saying that I’m not some bandwagon fan here. I’ve been following little Noah since his time on ABC Family’s The Fosters when he was called in to replace the kid from Wizards of Waverly Place and we all had to pretend that one of the series regulars suddenly had a new (hot) face and six extra inches worth of height mid-season. Having said that, by far my favorite Noah Centineo role has been as Peter Kavinsky. If you’ll recall, Peter is the popular, lovable jock who
PUT HIS HAND IN LARA JEAN’S BACK POCKET falls for nerdy Lara Jean when they decide to fake date each other. Never mind that I’ve been trying to recreate that exact scenario with a man for going on 10 years now, and all it’s gotten me is arrested… twice. But, fine, it’s chill. And after watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, I decided to do with Noah Centineo what I’ve done with countless tween heartthrobs before him: follow him on Instagram. And boy, did I learn exactly who Noah Centineo is: a thirst trap.
That’s right, I said it. Noah Centineo is NOT actually Peter Kavinsky, and his IG is photographic proof. I’m shocked and appalled
and a little turned on by the sheer amount of thirst happening on his feed, the likes of which have not been seen since Ariel Winter decided to take her first selfie. Let’s just say if he were a woman, The Daily Mail would be calling him out on their Snap story three to five days a week. So, with gender equality in mind, let’s take a look at Noah’s thirstiest photos, shall we?
EXHIBIT A: His Day In A Life Photos
Here we have a picture of shirtless Noah climbing a tree and playing with rocks and just generally being one with nature and looking like a goddamn snack in the process. SO CASUAL. He captioned this photo “loved this day so much”, which I guess is supposed to reassure us that he’s just a chill guy and fame hasn’t changed him at all. Your nipples on my news feed beg to differ, kid. I don’t believe for one f*cking second that, before he was famous, you could find Noah playing with rocks in an abandoned parking lot and bragging about it on Instagram. Please.
EXHIBIT B: Testing Instagram’s Nudity Policy
Once again, we have a half-naked Noah lying in rumpled bed sheets. He claims this is a professionally done “photo series” which is why there are poetry lines (and I’m using the term “poetry” here loosely, obvi) on these glorified nudes. As if this is a good enough explanation. I have a feeling the creative direction for this “photo series” went something like “hoe, but make it
fashion art.” This is a move straight out of the thirst handbook: semi nudity covered up with lyrics/poetry/random string of words that sounds sad but means nothing, AND I’M NOT BUYING IT BUDDY.
EXHIBIT C: Asking All Of America ‘U Up?’
I’m sorry, but did he just send me a “u up?” ON MY GODDAMN INSTAGRAM FEED?? Look, I get enough of this from my Hinge dates, I do not need to see this from the famous 20-year-old I’ve been backwards stalking for three months now. I just don’t. Here we have Noah posting a sad face selfie of a missed FaceTime, which all but incited a riot on Instagram, judging by the amount of girls commenting “I WILL ALWAYS PICK UP!!” Congratulations, Noah, you’ve succeeded in getting every teenage girl in America
and myself to emotionally masturbate to your missed call.
So there you have it: Noah Centineo is a thirst trap. The defense rests. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to make that boudoir photo series the new background on my phone. BYE.
IMAGES: @ncentineo /Instagram (3)