Peter And Madison Broke Up After A Whole 48 Hours Of Dating

Well fam, I’ve been saying since *checks notes* January that Pilot Pete would be alone at the end of this season of The Bachelor, and what can I say, I love being right. On Thursday night, just two days after saying on live TV that they were going to give their relationship a shot, Peter and Madison announced that they’re going their separate ways. And honestly? Thank god.

Peter was basically a mess this entire season, and for many reasons, he deserves to be alone right now. But aside from all that, anyone with a functioning brain (or a basic sex education) could see that Peter and Madison were never going to make it in the real world. Still, it seemed like they might stick it out for more than 48 hours, but it wasn’t meant to be. Really, the abrupt timing of these statements makes me think that they never really got back together at all, but Peter (and the producers) didn’t want him to just be sad and alone at the finale.

In Peter’s statement on Instagram, he started by “acknowledging the incredible group of women” that competed on his season, conveniently ignoring the fact that two-thirds of them are legitimate nightmares. But sure, great group of women. He continued, saying that he and Madi have “mutually decided not to pursue our relationship any further,” and that this decision was “not easy for either of us to be ok with,” but it makes the most sense for both of them. I mean, duh. Barb Weber basically called her son a sex addict on national TV, so it’s no big shock that the thought of going months or years without getting laid wasn’t actually that appealing to him. And Madi obviously needs this time to work on her eyelashes, so it’s not good timing for her either.

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I want to start by acknowledging the incredible group of women that I had the privilege of getting to know this season. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. I learned so many lessons from all of you that I will carry with me. Madi, thank you for your patience and unconditional love. You’re the epitome of a woman who carries herself with grace, stands by what she believes in, and loves whole heartedly. That love is something I feel so grateful to have felt and will take a piece of that with me always going forward. Madi and I have mutually decided to not pursue our relationship any further. Believe me this was not easy for either of us to be ok with, but after a lot of honest conversations, we have agreed that this is what makes most sense for the two of us. The love and respect I have for Madi will continue to endure. Hannah Ann, you set an example for women everywhere a couple nights ago. You are such a strong, confident woman and you deserve all the love in the world. I accept full responsibility for my mistakes in our relationship and wish you only the best. This has been an emotional experience and I am so grateful for the outreach of support that I have received from friends, family, and Bachelor Nation in the last few days. Thank you to all of you! This is just a another chapter in my story. One I will never forget and one I will always cherish ❤️

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Peter also shouted out Hannah Ann for basically dragging her through hell over the past couple months, saying he accepts responsibilities for his mistakes, and wishing her the best. She hit a million Instagram followers earlier this week and has been hanging out with NFL players, so I think she’ll be just fine. Who could’ve predicted that I would be a full-on Hannah Ann stan at the end of this season? A Hannah Stann, if you will.

Moving on, Madison made an Instagram statement of her own, and you can tell a publicist crafted it within an inch of its life. She says that her Bachelor experience has taught her “the importance of acceptance, forgiveness, and grace,” along with the importance of the word “like” in her vocabulary. I added that last part, in case that wasn’t clear.

She’s super confident in God’s plan for her or whatever, and is still convinced that she and Peter’s “paths were meant to cross.” Sorry, not to be rude, but I have a hard time taking all this Jesus stuff seriously. Like, you applied to be on a reality show to get famous on Instagram, and it worked! Good for you! But we don’t have to pretend that the Lord was like, invested in whether or not Pete was gonna sleep with Victoria or whether you were going to land a FabFitFun deal after this. I’m no prophet, but I’d guess He probably has more important things to worry about, like coronavirus, and whether or not my Seamless is going to show up on time.

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So incredibly thankful for this amazing journey I’ve had the honor of being a part of. I have grown so much and am stronger than I was going in. I have learned the importance of acceptance, forgiveness, and grace. As Peter and I have decided to go our separate ways, I am confident that we will both move in the direction of our purpose and never forget that God has a plan in all things. I will always love and respect him. I am convinced our paths were meant to cross and we are both better because they did. @pilot_pete you are an amazing guy and I’m thankful for you. I will always be your biggest fan. And to the amazing women I met this season, I will love you for life. Thank you @abcnetwork for allowing me to embark on this journey. ❤️

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Madi says that Peter is “an amazing guy” and that she’ll always be his “biggest fan,” and I’ve had about enough of these statements. You know Madison is already headed back to Auburn to self-quarantine and play some basketball with her dad, and Peter is probably begging his mom to love him again after she ripped him a new asshole on television. Everyone in this situation is moving on with their lives, and it’s gonna be fine.

And with that, I think we can finally shut the door on this season of The Bachelor. Nobody found love, nobody had a good time, nobody passed go, and absolutely nobody collected $200. We were all bamboozled, hoodwinked, and led astray. Hopefully the coronavirus quarantines give the ABC producers some time to think about their choices, and avoid a disaster season like this happening again.

Images: pilot_pete, madiprew / Instagram

UPDATED: Are Two Of Peter’s ‘Bachelor’ Contestants Dating Each Other?

UPDATE: Well, sadly, it wasn’t meant to be. Jasmine and Alexa clarified on Instagram that they’re not dating, which means we’re back to square one in terms of finding any silver lining in this trash season of The Bachelor. It was probably always too good to be true, but now we have confirmation.

On Tuesday, Alexa posted a clarification on her Instagram story after the news of her and Jasmine’s potential relationship went viral. “I wasn’t going to address this because I thought it would just blow over, but I see now I’m getting a lot of questions and the story seems to be getting bigger. We don’t want to mislead anyone. Jay and I are not dating. She’s one of my best friends. I’m sorry to get your hopes up! That would be a great story. She really just thought that was a cute caption and didn’t think much of it. Jay is beautiful, kind, down to earth and very straight. Here’s to our friendship @_jasminenguyen.”

Well, that’s disappointing, but I’m glad we know for sure. The caption was definitely a little bit misleading, because I clearly wasn’t the only one who just assumed they were dating. Still, it’s nice that they became such close friends during the show, and this probably strengthens the chance that one or both of them will end up in Paradise this summer. Neither of them made it too far on The Bachelor, but getting people talking about their personal lives can only help. Kelley probably won’t be going, so there’s one more spot up for grabs.

On this season of The Bachelor, moments worth celebrating have been few and far between. We’ve suffered through a season full of uncomfortable conversations, ridiculous drama, and emotional outbursts, and the prospects of Peter finding love between his final three contestants are slim. But at least one good thing came out of this dumpster fire of a season, because it looks like two of Peter’s contestants are dating each other.

On Sunday, Jasmine Nguyen posted these photos with Alexa Caves, and the caption implies that the two have started dating each other. Wow, I love that they saw what a mess The Bachelor was, and just decided to take things into their own hands. Both of them were sent home on week three of Peter’s season, and even though they didn’t stay too long, they both seemed like really great women who didn’t get enough of a chance. Peter’s loss, because they look incredibly cute together.

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Happy birthday Noodle!!!

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On Sunday, they were hanging out with some other Bachelor Nation alums, including Kelley and Clay, which sounds like something I really should’ve been invited to, but I’ll take it up with them another time. Clay even shouted out Alexa and Jasmine on his Instagram story, calling them his “favorite #bachelornation couple.” Same Clay, same.

It’s unclear when Jasmine and Alexa first started seeing each other, but if it was while they were in the Bachelor mansion, and ABC didn’t show us the footage, I’m gonna be unbelievably pissed. I know we’re supposed to be focused on Peter finding love or whatever, but who actually cares about him? This is the kind of sh*t that makes reality TV worth watching! If this was Real Housewives, this would’ve been the main plot for like, half of the season, and then maybe we would’ve checked back in with Peter for the last couple weeks.

That brings us to tonight’s Women Tell All episode, and I’m desperately hoping this will be addressed. But I’m also not going to get my hopes up, because this is supposed to be about Peter, and there was nothing about Alexa or Jasmine in Reality Steve’s WTA spoilers. Sad! After focusing so much on Demi and Kristian last summer, I was hopeful that the Bachelor franchise would start getting a little more queer across the board, so I do hope it gets addressed.

As for Jasmine and Alexa, I really hope they can make it. It’s pretty much the only thing that will save this season from being a complete waste of time, so we’re all rooting for these two right now. Don’t let us down! Or if you’re going to break up, at least go on Paradise to do it, so we can all see the drama. Thanks!

Images: ABC; __jasminenguyen, clayharbs82 / Instagram

All The Evidence That Pilot Pete Ends Up With A ‘Bachelor’ Producer

If you’ve been paying even an ounce of attention to this season of The Bachelor, you’ll know that Peter has narrowed it down to the final three contestants, and things are looking BLEAK. We have Victoria F, who has a rap sheet longer than my longest relationship and can’t have an adult conversation without gaslighting Peter, Madison, who’s probably going to skip the fantasy suite to go to church, and Hannah Ann, who definitely already has her eye on her next lucrative modeling gig. If you watch this show because you want to see true love, then this season has been a clear disappointment. But now, there’s a pervasive rumor that involves Peter finding love after all, and I’m 100% here for it.

If you’re the kind of person who happily reads spoilers, then you’ll know that this season has been dubbed ~the unspoilable season~. Chris Harrison has said that they figured out a way to make this season unspoilable, and so far, even Reality Steve hasn’t been able to figure it out. But the big rumor these days is that Peter actually ends up with Julie LaPlaca, one of the Bachelor producers. Dun dun DUN.

This rumor has been circulating for a couple weeks now, and it started mostly as unverified Reddit tea, but now it’s picked up steam and it’s not going anywhere. There’s evidence going all the way back to New Year’s Eve (we’ll get to that in a second), but just yesterday, Peter was spotted at a winery in LA with LaPlaca and his mom. Page Six got ahold of the video, and now my faith is restored in humanity. They’re drinking wine and dancing, clearly having a good time together.  Honestly, you love to see it.

Now, considering that Peter literally brought Madison to his parents’ vow renewal on their first date, the fact that Julie met his mom doesn’t mean much, but it still seems suspicious AF. But wait! Yesterday wasn’t even the first time Julie LaPlaca has met his mom! Close your eyes, and come back in time with me to New Year’s Eve, 2020. Actually, don’t close your eyes, because you’re reading an article, but you get the idea.

On January 2nd, Peter’s dad (whose Insta handle @747flyr is my favorite thing) posted a photo of his family at lunch on New Year’s Eve in New York. We’ve got the whole gang—mom, dad, brother, AND JULIE. That’s right, the Bachelor producer in question went to a NYE lunch with Peter and his family before the show even started airing! She’s even tagged in the photo! God bless Peter’s dad for not signing the same NDA that Peter did, and for not deleting the photo when the rumors started going around.

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New Years Eve lunch with the gang at Carmine’s

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On that same trip to New York, Julie posted a photo of herself in Times Square. Cute! She looks happy, which is way more than I could say of myself if you made me spend New Year’s Eve in Times f*cking Square. But you see that man over her shoulder, on the left? The dedicated detectives of the internet figured out that, yeah, that’s Pilot Pete. They were clearly together for the whole day on New Year’s Eve, and we all know what’s supposed to happen at midnight. Adding another layer to the whole theory, Hannah Brown also commented “I approve” on this photo. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but MAYBE IT DOES.

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New York, my first love, thank you for last night ❤️ #2020 #happynewyear #rockineve

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If they are together, Peter and Julie have kept things pretty low-key since New Year’s, which makes sense, considering he’s currently starring in a show dedicated to him finding love, and Julie isn’t even one of the options. I’m sure that his social media activity in the past couple months has been heavily controlled by ABC, but I don’t think they’ll be upset if these rumors are true. Imagine the ratings! Imagine the tabloid coverage! Imagine the articles that I myself will write! Because this is crazy! Like, there were 30 deeply thirsty women there all laying their lives influencer careers on the line to try and get Peter’s attention, and he went with the producer! In terms of drama, this is the chance for the show to truly peak.

And Chris Harrison, one of my favorite messy bitches who lives for drama, hasn’t done much to quiet the rumors. This week, he was stopped at LAX by the paparazzi, and asked about the Peter/Julie rumor. After saying that Julie is a great person and producer, he responded to the drama by saying, “Far be from me to get in the middle of a good rumor.” Yeah, okay Chris. Obviously, he’s not going to spoil his own show, but he’s not denying it either.

He fueled the conversation even more on Tuesday, when he posted a photo of himself with Peter and Julie that was taken during filming. Obviously, we know that Julie was around during filming, so the photo itself isn’t shocking, but Chris knows exactly what he’s doing here.

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Knowin nothin in life but to be legit… New album cover came out great! #TheBachelor

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At this point, I’m hoping the rumor is true, because Peter seems like a nice guy, and there’s a zero percent chance he’s getting married to any of these other women. Sorry, but it’s true. Luckily, we only have to wait a few more weeks to see it all play out on the show, because I’m really losing my patience with all these people. In the mean time, Peter, you should probably avoid public places with Julie, because everyone is watching!

Images: Shutterstock; Page Six; 747flyr, julielaplaca, chrisbharrison / Instagram

Pilot Pete Is Hanging Out With Kylie Jenner & Olivia Jade, But Why?

It’s no secret that I love talking about the mess that is this season of The Bachelor. Or that I love talking about Kylie Jenner. Or that I LOVE talking about anything to do with Olivia Jade. Well, today must be my lucky day, because the three things that I’m most passionate about in this world have come together, and I’m just so thankful. This week, Pilot Pete was spotted at a party with Kylie, Stassie, and Olivia Jade, and I have so many questions that my brain can’t even formulate them fast enough.

The party, which was Valentine’s Day themed, was on Wednesday night, and Kylie and Stassie both Instagrammed photos of their typically extra outfits. And thanks to the power of Instagram stories, we got an inside look at the party, revealing that our boy Pilot Pete was there, along with Olivia Jade. In this clip, you can first see Peter standing in the background, and then you can hear him talking about what happened with Kelley on the show.

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@pilot_pete is reportedly with Kylie, Stass and Olivia Jade and he’s speaking about @kelleyflanagan. You can see him at the end of the first story and hear him in the second one.

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I really can’t believe that this footage exists in the world, but I am so glad it does. In case you couldn’t really hear, in the second clip, Peter is heard off-camera saying “she’s like ‘I need to talk to you,’ and I was like ‘okay,’ and it was Kelley.” What did we do to deserve this kind of perfection?

Naturally, upon seeing this video, my first thought was “how/why the f*ck is Pilot Pete hanging out with this crew?” But once I really thought things through, it actually makes a lot of sense. Bear with me, because there is much to unpack. Let’s start with the Tyler Cameron connection. Peter was on The Bachelorette with Tyler, and it seems like they’ve stayed pretty good friends in the time since they were on the show together. As we all know, Tyler has been on quite the fame odyssey since leaving the show, including his relationship with Gigi Hadid, and more recently, rumors that he was dating Stassie Karanikolaou.

That’s not all. Way back in November, paparazzi cameras caught Tyler, Peter, and Dylan hanging out at a football game with Kylie, Kendall, and Stassie. So we know that Peter at least met Kylie and Stassie almost three months ago. But THAT’S. NOT. ALL. Based on her Instagram stories, we actually know that Kylie has been watching The Bachelor this season, so it makes sense that she’d want to hear all the details about wtf happened with Kelley. So yeah, after all that, I guess it’s not SO surprising that Peter would end up at the same party with Kylie and Stassie.

What I can’t really explain is why this crew is also hanging out with Olivia Jade. Honestly though, it’s not that out-there. Kylie, Stassie, and Olivia are all rich kids of LA, and Kylie and Olivia are actually only two years apart in age. I’m sure they’ve been around each other a bunch over the years, and they can probably bond over their love of makeup and not going to college.

Now that all the pseudo-explaining is over, let’s get back to this season of The Bachelor. I have to say, Peter hanging out at parties like this makes me think there’s very little chance he ends up in any kind of serious relationship from the show. I mean, I wasn’t really that hopeful before, based on what a sh*t show this season has been, but still. If Peter was like, engaged to Hannah Ann or something right now, I kind of doubt she would be cool with Pete hanging out in Stassie’s basement. And we already know Victoria F would slash his tires.

And that’s it, I cracked the case. Sorry, gotta go, because my brain is f*cking broken.

Images: DFree / Shutterstock; its_thesnatchelor / Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Pachi Is In The House

Welcome back, Bachelor fam, to another Monday spent at the mercy of ABC! In the five days since the last episode of The Bachelor aired, the weather reports in my area have ranged from 60 degree days to 30 degree days, from hurricane and extreme flooding warnings to snow and black ice alerts. If this is not a sign from God Herself that this show is blasphemous and the beginning of the end for all humanity, then I’m not sure what is. Luckily for you betches, a hellmouth could literally swallow me whole and, as long as I have access to the WiFi and a way to stream the latest episode, I would not consider it a red flag. 

This week, Peter and his co-pilots will be in Lima, Peru, and 10 bucks says Peter is going to meet the women in a full-on poncho and sombrero get-up. He’s one with the people, you guys!!

ME: Maybe ABC won’t flaunt Peter’s loose Cuban heritage in a bid to seem more diverse and inclusive.
PETER: Yes mamí, it’s Pachi!!

Christ. Never mind. 

Before any date cards can be read, Peter shows up at the hotel to beg for the women’s adoration once more. “Please take this seriously,” he says with a giant boo-boo on his head. I guess it’s getting close to Hometowns now, and he wants to remind them that he’s not just going to show up in a place like Iowa for them NOT to sleep with him in the fantasy suite, mmkay?

Madison’s One-On-One Date

Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and it’s the first bit of actual screen time she’s had since week one when she walked out of the limo. Seriously, when her name was called it took me a solid few minutes to even place her outside of a group date or a rose ceremony when she’s not surrounded by at least three other women’s hair extensions. 

I love that Madison puts on those spider eyelashes for the occasion and Peter decides to leave his maxipad of a bandaid at home. It’s the little things that can keep a romance alive. 

Peter says that Madi is his best friend here, and I can absolutely see that. I half expect this date to end with the two of them making friendship bracelets or looking at each other’s Pinterest boards for caption inspo for their Instagram posts of this date. 

Their date is actually pretty cute, but it’s hard for me to root for them when I’ve seen absolutely zero of their romance play out on-screen. She tells Peter that she’s in this for him and she can see them together after the show and it’s like, I can barely see them together now!! 

Okay, these soft kisses are making me GAG. Butterfly kisses are things I wrote about in my 7th grade diary, but have no place on a Peruvian boat date with grown-ass adults!!

As we move into the evening portion of the date, Madison reveals that she does, in fact, have some baggage to reveal before Peter makes a decision about her and Hometowns. You can tell Peter is running through all the scenarios of what it could possibly be in his mind. He’s like “maybe it’s divorce? Bullying? That she only placed third in her last pageant??”

Oh god, it’s worse. So much worse. Madison reveals to Peter that she’s actually very religious and, look, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s no place for it on a show whose very foundation is built on spitting on the sanctity of marriage. Suddenly the butterfly kisses are making so much more sense. And here I thought she was just going to tell him that she still has a hymen! 

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She tells him that she has a very strong relationship with the lord and so does her dad, and I would LOVE to know what her daddy thinks about Peter’s little windmill claim to fame. She mentions her faith and the lord about 12 more times and Peter’s like “yeah same, same, but I’m the kind of Christian who still likes to watch porn, you know?” 

PETER: Let’s not let this little thing like THE LORD get in the way of us f*cking though, k?

Always the diplomat, Peter. 

Wooooooow. Did Peter just say he was falling in love with her?! That’s kind of soon considering we only just met Madison this week! He gives Madison the rose, so I guess we’ll get to see firsthand what her god-fearing father thinks of Peter and his salsa hips. Can’t wait!

Natasha’s One-On-One Date

Hannah Ann announces that Natasha is getting the second one-on-one date of the week—at least that’s what I think she said, but honestly it’s hard to tell after she absolutely butchered reading that date card. It was less of a pronunciation and more of just a series of mumbles followed by a loud “yay!” Clearly Hannah Ann doesn’t have as great a grasp on the Spanish language as Peter does. Perhaps Pachi will give you a lesson later!

Natasha walks out to meet Peter and you can tell he literally cannot pick her out of a crowd. He’s looking left and right until a producer helpfully points in her general direction. But, sure, tell me more about their strong connection, ABC!

I love that he keeps bringing up his injury. He’s like “doesn’t it look good without the Band-Aid??” and Natasha has to hold in a dry heave while pretending to be interested in his still-oozing wound.

Don’t lie, Natasha. You’re better than that.

Peter says that he’s still unsure about Natasha, but he always has a “good time” with her. If my dog could talk, this is what she’d say about me. 

I’ve been racking my brain as to why Peter would keep Natasha around for so long when there seems to be zero romantic chemistry between the two of them, and now I’m starting to think it’s maybe because he’s scared of her. The last time he forgot to show her affection, she completely commandeered his rose ceremony and made him eliminate the only girl he was excited about taking to the Fantasy Suites. 

My theory is further proven when he throws on a Peruvian hat and pretends to be the lord of the dance. If you can’t find the courage to dump someone, you might as well disgust them into leaving of their own accord, amiright Peter?

Seriously, what fresh hell is this?

He’s like, “I’ve seen many sides of you” and it’s like, is that what we’re calling being cursed out at a rose ceremony these days? Natasha seems pleased by this conversation, so he continues to lay the compliments on thick. He keeps saying things like “you’re so bold and feisty,” and these are adjectives I use to describe myself on dating app profiles when I actually mean “outwardly hostile.” I’m on to you, Peter.

Things are not looking great for our girl Tash as we head into the evening portion of the date. Natasha seems to think that just because Peter is slightly frightened of her, that means that he’ll keep her around. Noticing his hesitance, she brings up the fact that she’s 31, as if this is supposed to make him recognize that she’s emotionally mature enough for marriage and not just make him physically recoil, as he’s doing at this very moment. Look, Natasha, the median age of the women left this season is “legal enough,” so I doubt that’s going to impress him, sweetie. 

ME: I hope Peter treads very carefully. She’s 31 and felt like her last option for marriage involved a reality dating show. She clearly has nothing left to lose.
PETER: *dangles the rose in front of her face* Let’s be friends, K?

PETER. Why would you pick up the rose and then not hand it to her?! Peter admits that he only has platonic feelings for Natasha and, while I think it’s f*cking cruel and unusual punishment to tell her like this as he dangles a rose (and her last chance at marriage) right in front of her face, this really should have been done weeks ago. 

You were a real one, Natasha. Can’t wait to see you in Paradise, girl!

Kelsey’s One-On-One Date

Moving on! Kelsey gets the last one-on-one date of the week, and she’s worried that this means she’ll be sent home like Natasha. Kelsey, honey, the man took your side in an argument over CHAMPAGNE. I think you’re good.

Peter keeps saying how much he loves exploring and going on adventures and it’s like, the last time you “explored” a stationary golf cart you split your forehead open like Humpty Dumpty. Should you really be pushing your luck with this four-wheeler? All I know is that if I have to see another lumpy flesh-colored bandage I’ll kill myself. I will.

I can tell Kelsey is really into him because she doesn’t even seem turned off by Peter’s heavy breathing as he climbs that small hill. He’s acting like he needs one of those masks that falls out of the overhead compartment, he’s so out of breath.

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I could do a slow Runyon hike date but full sprint up a Peruvian hillside? Just pre-load my luggage in the van tbh. Tune in to @siriusxm 109 tomorrow morning from 7-10AM, when the hilarious @jaredfreid will be back to talk about how Natasha is too good for Peter. #thebachelor 🌹

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Honestly, I’m hoping Kelsey makes it to hometowns. I’ve been dying to know what a “professional clothier” is for weeks now. Does it mean she works at a Kohl’s, folding last season’s LC by Lauren Conrad, OR does it mean she actually does unboxing videos on IG, but only of clothes she bought herself? The suspense is killing me!!!

Peter asks Kelsey about what he can expect from Iowa if he was to go to her hometown, and she tells him broken dreams and a confrontation with her absentee father. Um, I’m pretty sure he was just wondering if there was like, a county fair or some cultural landmark he couldn’t miss, but sure that answer works too. 

I will say that this is the first date where Kelsey hasn’t been edited to seem like some sort of drunken monster, and I love it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, deranged looks good on her, but it’s nice to see other facets of her personality. She actually seems like a real person, and I can understand why Peter likes her. When he gives her the rose, I’m not opposed. Carry on. 

The Group Date

Instead of an official rose ceremony, we’re told that the final roses will be given out during a group date between Kelley, Victoria F, and Hannah Ann. To ease their concerns, Peter leaves them with a date card that just says: “tomorrow won’t be easy.” Lol PETER! I haven’t seen something this foreboding since Moira Rose’s The Crows Have Eyes 3 trailer.

If anyone is not worried about this date, it’s Kelley. She knows that her competition is a girl who is young enough to think liking Hilary Duff is “vintage” and Victoria F, who won’t stop crying. Yeah, I’d like those odds too. 

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The drama may be over the top this season but at least it gives us hilarious tweets & memes 🌹 #bachelornation #thebachelor

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Okay is it just me, or does it feel like every time Kelley talks about Peter she’s insulting him? I LOVE IT. 

IS HE BRINGING UP THE BANDAGE THING AGAIN?! He’s like “I got the bandage off you guys!” Yes, Peter, we can tell! That lumpy piece of fabric glued to your forehead was not fooling anyone. We knew it wasn’t skin!

Peter launches into some Spanish with the locals, as if any of the women on this date are going to understand what they’re saying. Hannah Ann is over here trying to remember the bits of Spanish she learned on her IG influencer trip to Cabo last year, while Kelley looks for animal shapes in the clouds. I’m guessing “mas tequila” isn’t going to cut it on this date, Hannah Ann! 

Peter pulls Hannah Ann aside first, and I feel like this is because he’s the most sure about her—or at least the most sure that he’d like to take her to the Fantasy Suites. During their last date, he voiced some concerns about their connection not being very deep. He wanted Hannah Ann to open herself up to him more emotionally. It seems she really took this advice to heart, because she came to the group date armed with a page ripped straight out of her diary. 

You guys, she dots her i’s with hearts!! Is this supposed to convince him she’s ready for something as serious as holy matrimony?? I bet you 100 million dollars that the other side of that sheet says “Mrs. Weber.” Or, more appropriately, “Señora Weber.”

Kelley goes second, and I’m worried she might be drunk. She’s like, flailing around, talking about how much fun she’s had on this trip. Meanwhile, Peter is giving her the same look my dad gave me when he saw my FB photo album from my sophomore year spring break trip to Daytona Beach. He’s not mad, he’s just disappointed. 

I think Peter is worried that Kelley might not be serious enough for him, and I get why he thinks that. She isn’t falling all over her feet to impress him, and she keeps using the word “fun” in the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think she’s serious about him per se, but she’s not expressing herself in the typical Bachelor-contestant way. It’s a shame, because I think this might be her downfall and I love her. 

After having a mature, well-adjusted conversation with Kelley, Peter gets to witness a truly deranged meltdown from Victoria F. 

PETER: *says something completely reasonable*
VICTORIA: I just feel like you’re always in a mood!!!

YOU’RE ALWAYS IN A MOOD. These are things I’ve said to my mom after she helped me with my taxes and then dares ask me do a favor for her in return. These are NOT things you say to your future husband when he asks you about your future together.

And, like, what are they even fighting about? All she ever does is mumble sh*t under her breath and cry. I’m over it. 

It’s time to hand out the roses, and I’d like to say Peter would send Victoria home, but I’m not as confident as Kelley about that. She’s like, “I don’t know how Peter could send me home. Look at me, I’m an attorney” but I almost have a feeling that’s not going to work in your favor, Kel.

Okay wait. Is he sending Victoria home?! He grabbed the rose but also he’s walking her out of the house like he’s about to pass her off to security. Would Peter actually make a mature, level-headed decision about his future? Could it really be?

Oh wait, sike! He’s keeping her. Peter says that he and Victoria just have a “unique relationship” which is definitely code for “I’d still like to see her naked in the near future.” Ah, yes. It’s making all the sense in the world now. 

And then there were two. It’s down to Hannah Ann and Kelley, a girl who signs her name like the 8-year-old who lives down the street from me, and an age-appropriate woman with a sparkling personality and actual career. Sadly, I already know where this is going. And what do you know! He gives Hannah Ann the final rose. 

I guess Kelley shouldn’t have said the word “fun” so much. Either that, or she shouldn’t have been born in the earlier half of the 1990s. 

The end of Kelley and Peter #TheBachelor

— Pam (@Pambino15) February 11, 2020

Okay, I am LIVING for Kelley’s exit interview in the limo. She points out that Peter might think he’s ready for marriage, but his actions speak differently. The women he’s surrounded himself with have the emotional maturity of a kindergarten class. You did it to yourself, Petey! 

And that’s a wrap for this week, betches! Hometowns are next week, so start preparing yourself now for Pachi to introduce himself in Spanish to Midwesterners. Until then!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @pambino15 /Twitter (1); @michcoll /Instagram (1); @the_snatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornationexclusive /Instagram (1)

SPOILER: Peter Ditched His ‘Bachelor’ Group Date For A Juicy Reason

So uh, I guess these are spoilers for Peter’s season of The Bachelor, but not really. Read at your own risk!

If you weren’t that impressed with the crop of contestants for Peter’s season of The Bachelor, apparently you’re not the only one. They’re currently filming, and the latest update on what’s going down behind the scenes almost made me fall out of my chair. Buckle up, because Hannah Brown is back in town.

Here’s what happened. A few days ago, there was a group date planned for Peter’s season. At the date, Hannah was set to make an appearance, and she was going to trade sex stories with some of the women. Not sure I love the concept, but it makes sense for an appropriately cringey Bachelor group date. I’m sure Hannah was going to talk about the windmill, and we all would have loved it. But at the last minute, the date was canceled, with the official reason that Peter was sick. This has happened before, so it wasn’t really a cause for concern, BUT THEN.

Again, this is a spoiler ahead so don’t continue reading if you don’t want to see spoilers.

Apparently, Hannah and Peter were talking before the date, and that’s when Peter decided to cancel. Then, instead of going home, he and Hannah continued to hang out. Homeboy wasn’t sick at all! All of this info comes from @bachelornationspoilers on Instagram, and while these things can be hard to confirm, people saw Hannah at the date location. Whatever did or didn’t go down with Peter, she was definitely there.

Honestly, I’m not thrilled about this development. I like Hannah a lot, but I feel like the Bachelor producers need to chill tf out and just let the new season be its own thing. After sitting through an entire season of Bachelor in Paradise that felt like an inside joke we weren’t in on (they need to film at Stagecoach next year), I was looking forward to The Bachelor getting back to normal. Okay, maybe not like normal normal, but just your average season of The Bachelor where the guy just has the choices presented to him. Is that too much to ask??

But instead, we’re getting another round of The Bachelor with literally no fourth wall, where the events on the show are too intertwined with the real world for anything to actually be believable. Maybe Peter will end up engaged to the girl with the puka shell necklace (yikes), but maybe he’ll just keep DMing Hannah instead. They really should start filming this show on a remote island, with no one allowed in or out until it’s all over. It’s the only way.

Obviously, Peter’s season is far from over, so I’m not saying he’s going to ditch all the women for Hannah, but this behind the scenes info isn’t especially promising. On the other hand, there are also rumors that Hannah is hooking up with her Dancing With The Stars partner Alan Bersten, which I personally would support. Last night, they did a Q&A together on his Instagram story, and they seem to get along super well. Whether this is a DWTS fling, the beginning of something serious, or just two randos who are being forced to spend a lot of time together, I’m into it.

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Guys!!! We’re live!! You can vote now! We can’t wait to dance for you. Sorry I’m excited!!! Text “Hannah” to 21523 up to 10 times. And vote with the link in my bio!

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It’s been an exhausting few months in Bachelor Nation. We’ve had Tyler and Gigi, Mike and Demi, Blake and everyone, Amanda and the Chanel bag, Nick and Rachel Bilson (maybe), and it seems like we haven’t seen the end of the drama for this year. Guys, I need a f*cking nap. But Bachelor Nation never sleeps, and apparently neither do I. I’ll be waiting eagerly to see whether Peter finds the love of his life, or if he jumps the fence like Colton did (LOL that the fence jump happened like seven months ago, I feel old). It’s going to be a fun journey.

Images: ABC; bachelornationspoilers, alanbersten / Instagram