If you feel a sudden urge to exploit your family members on November 5, it was probably because that is Kris Jenner’s birthday. In honor of this blessed event, we’re helping you connect with your inner Kris Jenner by seeing which iconic Kris gif you are, based off your horoscope.
Aries – Kris Jenner The Momager
Aries is the leader of the zodiac, so it makes sense that Aries would be the version of Kris Jenner that tells her nude daughter everyone wtf to do at all times. You’re doing amazing, Aries.
Taurus – Kris Jenner The Wine-O
Taruses are stubborn and tend to stick to what they know. What does Kris Jenner know? Wine. All types. Ain’t no shame in that.
Gemini – Kris Jenner With A Gun
You never know what you’re going to get with a Gemini, which can be a little scary. You know what else is scary? Kris Jenner with a handgun. God save us all.
Sagittarius – Kris Jenner The Blonde
Sags love to try new things, and there’s no change that shocked the world more than blonde Kris Jenner holding a glass of wine. Congrats on being last month’s best meme, Sag.
Cancer – Kris Jenner The Actual Mom
Cancers are basically the nurturers of the zodiac, and though you may forget it sometimes, Kris Jenner is, in fact, a mom. Though I highly doubt she’ll be writing any parenting books any time soon.
Capricorn – Kris Jenner The Business Mogul
Capricorns get shit done, and “getting shit done” is what Kris Jenner built her entire career on. That and her daughter’s giant fake ass.
Leo – Kris Jenner The Narcissist
Leos love themselves. Kris Jenner loves herself. And, honestly, they’re both right.
Virgo – Kris Jenner The Party Girl
Virgos love to commune with their fellow man, and what better way to do that than to throw a big-ass party where everybody can look at you come together and enjoy each other’s company? You’re so selfless.
Libra – Kris Jenner The Investigator
Libras love justice, and nobody is better at getting to the bottom of things than Kris Jenner. Maybe it’s her women’s intuition, maybe it’s the team of cameramen recording everything that goes on in her home, but if Kris is on the case, justice will be served.
Scorpio – Pissed Off Kris Jenner
Kris Jenner is actually a Scorpio, meaning that Scorpio is actually her truest form. Scorpios, like Kris, are known for their volatile behavior and general ability to flip tf out over nothing, so honestly this is less of a “Which Kris Jenner gif are you?” and more of a “Which Kris Jenner gif aren’t you?” situation.
Aquarius – Kristen Mary Houghton, The Young Dreamer
Before she was Kris Jenner, she was Kris Kardashian. And before she was Kris Kardashian, she was Kristen Mary Houghton, a young dreamer with a desire to make herself rich af the world a better place, but no idea how she would go about doing it. TBH, it’s v inspiring.
Pisces – Kris Jenner Post-Op
Pisces are artists by nature, and Kris’ greatest work of art is definitely her own face. A constant work in progress, Kris Jenner the artist will labor over this work for decades, never satisfied with the final product, always looking to improve. It is the artist’s curse.
If Buzzfeed’s financial success and our
slavish devotion intellectual fascination with horoscopes have taught us anything, it’s that we really fucking enjoy learning new ways to frame upcoming conversations about ourselves. I’m def not saying it’s a bad thing to self-identify as a narcissist (hi)—in fact, I argue it’s even kind of necessary for our time, what with the ongoing cage match of Man-Baby v. North Korea, or that fun few weeks of “How Many Hurricanes Before People Stop Caring,” to name a few examples. Anyway, if you’ve ever willingly spent time answering questions to find out what kind of donut/pizza/other food item you are, then I really hope you were high do yourself a favor and take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator instead.
If you don’t know what Myers-Briggs is, then I’d like to go ahead and assure you that those four letters (INTJ, ESFJ, ENTP, etc.) dudes will occasionally put in their dating profiles are not a code for a weird cult. Those are Myers-Briggs personality types, and as you might have guessed by this past reference, they’re both ubiquitous enough to be referenced in dating profiles and science-y enough to used by the same guy who would make fun of you for reading horoscopes. So, if you’re getting tired of blaming everything on being an Aquarius, your Myers-Briggs is the next best scapegoat for all your terrible life choices. You’re 45 minutes late to brunch because you’re an ENFP, and you can’t be tamed. Duh. Because I’m super generous, here’s a breakdown of what these letters mean, so you can start using them as excuses ASAP.
I vs. E: Introvert vs. Extrovert
If you need this one explained to you, maybe hold off on the whole MBTI thing and just go read a book or something. While people like to mask introversion vs. extroversion in fancy terms like “what brings you energy,” the answer to that question is
Adderall coffee, not “recharging alone” or “being in groups of people.” Basically, you’re an introvert if you identify with any of Taylor Swift’s lyrics about going home to her cats, and you’re an extrovert if you identify with her nauseating #squadgoals Instagram days (RIP).
Introvert types include: INTJ (Architect/Mastermind), INTP (Logician/Thinker), INFJ (Advocate/Counselor), ISTJ (Inspector/Logistician, which is somehow not the same as Logician), ISFJ (Nurturer/Defender), ISFP (Composer/Adventurer, INFP (Mediator), and ISTP (Craftsman/Virtuoso).
TBH sounds like a lineup of the worst people you could ever date, and I’m saying that as a fully self-aware introvert (Trust me, I’m kind of a handful). TBH, if you’re an “I,” maybe don’t advertise it on your profile.
Extrovert types include: ENTJ (Commander), ENTP (Debater/Visionary), ENFJ (Protagonist/Giver), ENFP (Champion/Campaigner), ESTJ (Supervisor/Executive), ESFJ (Provider/Consul), ESTP (Doer/Entrepreneur), ESFP (Performer/Entertainer).
Obviously, this test is largely skewed toward extroverts (some bigger companies have employees take this test to see who has “leadership qualities” i.e. who has a big fat “E” in front of their type), so if you see these letters while you’re swiping it probably means they’re equally douchey, but maybe have more earning potential.
N vs. S: Intuition vs. Sensing
This one needs slightly more explaining, because it makes almost no sense. The description given on the MBTI website is this: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? So, if that’s the bar we’re going by, I think we’d all say we’re fucking intuitive. Like, if the guy you’ve been seeing naked for the past few weeks is tagged in an Insta with the caption #bae #lovethisguy, are you going to focus on the basic information there, or are you going to perhaps interpret and add some meaning? If it’s the former, good for you—I guess if you’re an “S” personality type. It means you’re super fucking chill and don’t jump to conclusions (but you’re also probably pretty boring and terrible at gossip). If you’re an N, then LMK where you’d like me to send your care baskets after you kill this guy on a hunch that he’s stepping out on you, only to find out the girl in the pic was his sister. Oops.
F vs. T: Feeling vs. Thinking
I actually fully stopped and checked to see who created this test just now, because I had a hard time believing that anyone other than a man would force you to choose which one of these activities you identify more with. TBH this is kind of like including a section that has you choose between sleeping and breathing, but okay. This test was, in fact, written by TWO women, both of whom I’m sure are emotionally compartmentalized in ways I can only dream of. Anyway, this part tests to see whether your decision-making is based on “logic and consistency” or “people and special circumstances.” Again, seems like one of these (thinking) makes you a real dud and/or low-key heartless, but it also probably keeps you out of a lot of petty drama and makes you way more efficient at your job. Make all your friends take this test so you know which one to go to for a post break-up cry and which one to go to when you need a scheming bitch.
P vs. J: Perceiving vs. Judging
Not to be JUDGMENTAL, but I’ve been on this website like, 100 times and I still fail to understand how this section is all that different from sensing vs. intuition. Like, they’re both asking whether you prefer to trust the psychotic voice in your brain over the world around you, but for some reason this one is tagged as “Structure” while S vs. N is supposedly about “Information.” Should I have paid more attention in Psych 101? Perhaps. Anyway, the general idea here is that S vs. N is more about how you are internally, while Perceiving or Judging is how you relate to the outside world. So, I’m assuming most/all of you are falling heavily on the “J” side of things here, but the Perceiving side sounds pretty nice too, mostly because it sounds like you’re high all the time. The sentences in the Perceiving section include stuff like “I am stimulated by an approaching deadline” (ew, why use stimulated here) and “I like to keep plans to a minimum,” so P might just mean that you’re really fucking disorganized, and I feel you.
Whatever this test tells you, the important thing to remember is that your category is only as good as you make it: Each of these 16 types definitely contains at least one excuse for your shitty behavior of some kind, like how my type, INTJs, are basically doomed to die alone so
IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M STILL SINGLE, MOM I don’t have to feel bad about cancelling dates last minute. Find your excuse and use it, I believe in you.
If you’re getting married or have already
put that nail in the coffin tied the knot, you likely had bridesmaids. I had nine. That’s beside the point. Every bride has a unique personality and, therefore, very unique bridesmaids to help out on her special day. Regardless, though, you cannot deny that your bridesmaids or bachelorette attendees fell into these categories. Was Stacy the party animal you lost in Nashville during the bachelorette? Was Lindsey the thirst trap social media stalker who put up WAY too many pictures of you before the rehearsal dinner? Did Jessica just get high and act super chill no matter what you told her to do? Read on to figure out which bridal party archetype you and your besties are.
1. The Social Media Guru
She made a Snapchat filter for your bachelorette, wedding, shower, and everything in between. She has shared no less than five social media posts the day before each large event featuring a picture of herself and the bride with a paragraph about friendship. She almost tripped and fell into an open manhole because she was checking you into a restaurant on FourSquare. She has more pics of your wedding than your photographer.
2. The Control Freak
This could be the bride, but there’s at least one in every group. She made a fucking Google map of your stops on the bachelorette trip. She’s got reservations at at least three restaurants/bars each night in case one doesn’t pan out. She’s got transportation covered. She’s slightly manic but you’re going to be organized, goddamnit. She has sent out no less than three emails covering the event at hand, ensuring everyone has a) paid for their stay, b) has the T-shirts she ordered, and c) knows how to get to the hotel. She had her bridesmaid’s dress the day after she found out about your engagement.
3. The Outsider
Who even is she? You definitely went to school with her or knew her at some point in your life, and, yeah, she’s fun, but she’s clearly is not part of the new dynamic. She clings to the bride, afraid of interacting with the others. She laughs at everyone’s jokes, even though half of them, like, aren’t funny. She’s desperate for attention in a cute way. We still love her.
4. The Party Animal
Once you unleash her, she cannot be tamed. She’s making friends at the bar, on the sidewalk, at the club, in the Uber while telling stories about her house/dog/favorite restaurant/former relationships. She’s the one searching for a strip club (or stripper pole) at 2am or trying to climb on a table at the piano bar to flash strangers. She’s a champ. She’s ordering shots you don’t want and harassing anyone who says they’re tired before 4am. She can shotgun a beer, get lost in a foreign city, find her way back, and be ready for more. She’s an unstoppable—and franky, terrifying—force.
5. The Mom
She’s literally the one holding the bride’s hair back while she’s vomming during the bachelorette (thanks, Beth). She can be counted on to have fun, get drunk, but still be so goddamn responsible that everyone gets home/back to the hotel without dying. She somehow has tissues and/or plastic bags for clean-ups (shit happens) and never really yells or gets upset. She’s just disappointed. But she’s a cool mom.
6. The Literal Mom
She either just got married and/or just had a baby, and clearly that’s the focus. She doesn’t come to any of the events but somehow gets her shit together for the wedding day. She tells you that “it’ll go so fast” and to hold on to special moments while figuring out a breast pump. She was a regular on Tinder and at drunk brunch, but now she’s a stay-at-home-mom who makes color-coded grocery lists and reads about the benefits of raw diets for newborns.
7. The Chill One
No matter what you’ve thrown at her, she rolls with it. You definitely switched the hairstyles for your bridesmaids four times, insisted they buy Miu Miu nude heels, and changed up dresses last minute and she’s cool with it. She’s come to every event, not made a giant deal about it, and … is she high? Yah, she’s just really high.
I have a lot of pastimes and most of them include me judging people from afar. But nothing brings me more joy than talking shit about people and their tiny—excuse me, micro—tattoos. It’s the simple things, really. Remember when tramp stamps were all the rage? Yeah, those are so over, they’re done, and tiny tattoos have become the new norm for those looking to express their latent daddy issues. (I say all of this like I don’t have at least two Pinterest boards devoted to tiny tattoos and “cute” placements—I totally fucking do.) But whether you realize it or not, your tiny tattoo speaks VOLUMES about you and probably the life you lead on Instagram. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here’s how much of a self-absorbed asshole you are based on your choice of tiny tattoo:
Something From Harry Potter
First of all, I would just like to say that Potterheads are the reason I drink. There’s something unsettling about a bunch of twentysomething adults who throw whole costume parties with a theme that encourages you to dress up as an 11-year-old boy. Also, never, under any circumstances, mention around these people that you have either read Harry Potter/liked Harry Potter at one point in your life/have a vague thought about the movie adaptation, because they will take that shit and run with it. It’s like you say one thing about Harry Potter and suddenly they want to challenge you to a verbal duel so they can prove that they know
very creepy, minute details about a prepubescent fictional boy more about Harry Potter than you do. Like, no I do not know who the fuck Harry’s apparition instructor was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, but I do know that I would like to be excluded from this narrative please. Thanks. Second of all, if you’re getting a Harry Potter tattoo because Harry Potter is “your favorite book” that doesn’t make you special. Like, you and every other virgin who can’t drive self-proclaimed Hufflepuff in the world. Do us all a favor and leave your freak flag in the chat room at home where it belongs.
A Tiny Heart And/Or Other Tiny Object
This is the type of person who spends a lot of their time finding new ways to incorporate mason jars into their home décor. It’s okay, we were all thinking it. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that they’re also the type of girl who loooveesss sushi and drinks wine according to the season (i.e. red in the fall/winter, white in the spring, rosé in the summer). Lol, you are so random. They probably thought that by getting a tattoo they could be the “edgy” girl in their sorority or that it would give them something to be coy about on a Bumble date, but honestly all it did was cement their place as the most basic bitch within a five mile radius. But, like, I’ll give a slow clap to that because you should own your basicness. I’d say never change, but that’s not really necessary because we all know they won’t.
Girls who proudly display cursive script tattoos are 100 percent the assholes I was talking about earlier. They definitely have a “thing” that they’re into. Like fitness or travel or just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. That kind of thing. Getting a tattoo like this is the female equivalent of getting an “In God We Trust” tattoo, except instead of using a biblical verse to cover up that fact that he’s a giant douchebag who says shit like “I don’t believe in labels”, girls use it to cover up the fact that they’re low-key slutty. Like, tattooing the daily affirmation “you are so much more” on your body sort of loses its meaning when it’s placed directly beneath your nipple. You know? Like v important style icons Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, they probably also got their cursive script tattoo after a stint in rehab for “exhaustion”. Good thing your boob hides that spelling error, though! Blessings.
Travel coordinates on someone’s body are like the permanent version of a Facebook vacation photo album, except you don’t have the option to unsubscribe from their tattoo because it’s literally on their body. And believe me, these bitches will talk about their trips every chance they fucking get. At the 9am department meeting where people have no business speaking words to me, period. In the elevator on my way to one hour of approved
freedom lunch. Or at happy hour, which is most offensive to me because that is my safe place and you’re ruining it by telling me the one time you did a wine tour in a foreign country. Groundbreaking. Like, just because you’ve been to Australia and seen a kangaroo does not make you a fucking world traveler. Like, oh did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Yeah, no one gives a shit.
Also, if I see one more Instagram selfie of a strategically posed thot “candidly” gazing up at a waterfall in a thong bikini with the caption “wanderlusting”, I will lose my goddamn mind. Seriously, these girls are the fucking worst. Not only are they the type of girls who 100 percent have travel coordinates tattooed on their ribs and/or wrist and/or hipbone but they also take themselves and their lavish vacations wayyy too seriously. Like, I get it, you want me to think you’re “roughing it” in Thailand rn, being one with the people and rejecting consumerism and blah, blah, blah. But let’s be real, you didn’t go to Thailand to bring safe drinking water to people living in poverty, you went there to do a casual amount of drugs and take fire selfies at the Full Moon Party. Come on.
A Matching BFF Tattoo
You and your friend must think a lot of your friendship if you’re willing to permanently
mar tattoo your body with matching heartbeat tattoos (v original, girls, btw). Much like many facets of my life, I blame Pretty Little Liars for this—Marlene King, where is my evil twin to blame shit on every time I fuck something up?—because even though the Liars all got matching tattoos, that does not mean you and your bestie should get matching tattoos. The difference between you and the cast of PLL (aside from their fame, money and issues with anorexia) is that they have the money to get said tattoo surgically removed should they find out that their BFF cut off all of her hair when they got back to school in the fall and got totally weird and I guess now she’s on crack. So, like, really know the person before you get a life-long connection to them seared on your body. Ya know, just food for thot.
^Or just somebody you share half a yin and yang tattoo with
At last, science has confirmed something betches figured out a long time ago. Forget boring shit like hard work and perseverance and oh my god sorry I just fell asleep. Anyway. Apparently, success comes down to personality rather than intelligence, so suck it, nerds.
This comes from a paper published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences back in September. Researchers looked at a bunch of data sets and found that the best predictor of life achievements—basically, whether you’re skinny and rich or eating potato chips living in your parents’ basement—wasn’t IQ tests. It was personality, which is something betches have on fucking lock.
IQ could predict achievement test scores, but when it came to stuff like life satisfaction and body mass index (btw is this researchers’ way of shading fat people?), the best way to tell if someone was going to be successful as an adult was combining personality scores and grades. In fact, they found that being rich was associated with a personality trait called conscientiousness, aka self-discipline. Admittedly, betches aren’t exactly known for our self-control, but we’re perfect in every other aspect so whatever.
TL;DR it doesn’t matter what some internet IQ test told you if you don’t get shit done in real life. Fortunately, being charming and flawless is a betch’s area of expertise—just don’t expect us to show up on time (or not hungover) on Monday morning.