If you feel a sudden urge to exploit your family members on November 5, it was probably because that is Kris Jenner’s birthday. In honor of this blessed event, we’re helping you connect with your inner Kris Jenner by seeing which iconic Kris gif you are, based off your horoscope.
Aries – Kris Jenner The Momager
Aries is the leader of the zodiac, so it makes sense that Aries would be the version of Kris Jenner that tells her nude daughter everyone wtf to do at all times. You’re doing amazing, Aries.
Taurus – Kris Jenner The Wine-O
Taruses are stubborn and tend to stick to what they know. What does Kris Jenner know? Wine. All types. Ain’t no shame in that.
Gemini – Kris Jenner With A Gun
You never know what you’re going to get with a Gemini, which can be a little scary. You know what else is scary? Kris Jenner with a handgun. God save us all.
Sagittarius – Kris Jenner The Blonde
Sags love to try new things, and there’s no change that shocked the world more than blonde Kris Jenner holding a glass of wine. Congrats on being last month’s best meme, Sag.
Cancer – Kris Jenner The Actual Mom
Cancers are basically the nurturers of the zodiac, and though you may forget it sometimes, Kris Jenner is, in fact, a mom. Though I highly doubt she’ll be writing any parenting books any time soon.
Capricorn – Kris Jenner The Business Mogul
Capricorns get shit done, and “getting shit done” is what Kris Jenner built her entire career on. That and her daughter’s giant fake ass.
Leo – Kris Jenner The Narcissist
Leos love themselves. Kris Jenner loves herself. And, honestly, they’re both right.
Virgo – Kris Jenner The Party Girl
Virgos love to commune with their fellow man, and what better way to do that than to throw a big-ass party where everybody can look at you come together and enjoy each other’s company? You’re so selfless.
Libra – Kris Jenner The Investigator
Libras love justice, and nobody is better at getting to the bottom of things than Kris Jenner. Maybe it’s her women’s intuition, maybe it’s the team of cameramen recording everything that goes on in her home, but if Kris is on the case, justice will be served.
Scorpio – Pissed Off Kris Jenner
Kris Jenner is actually a Scorpio, meaning that Scorpio is actually her truest form. Scorpios, like Kris, are known for their volatile behavior and general ability to flip tf out over nothing, so honestly this is less of a “Which Kris Jenner gif are you?” and more of a “Which Kris Jenner gif aren’t you?” situation.
Aquarius – Kristen Mary Houghton, The Young Dreamer
Before she was Kris Jenner, she was Kris Kardashian. And before she was Kris Kardashian, she was Kristen Mary Houghton, a young dreamer with a desire to make herself rich af the world a better place, but no idea how she would go about doing it. TBH, it’s v inspiring.
Pisces – Kris Jenner Post-Op
Pisces are artists by nature, and Kris’ greatest work of art is definitely her own face. A constant work in progress, Kris Jenner the artist will labor over this work for decades, never satisfied with the final product, always looking to improve. It is the artist’s curse.
If Buzzfeed’s financial success and our
slavish devotion intellectual fascination with horoscopes have taught us anything, it’s that we really fucking enjoy learning new ways to frame upcoming conversations about ourselves. I’m def not saying it’s a bad thing to self-identify as a narcissist (hi)—in fact, I argue it’s even kind of necessary for our time, what with the ongoing cage match of Man-Baby v. North Korea, or that fun few weeks of “How Many Hurricanes Before People Stop Caring,” to name a few examples. Anyway, if you’ve ever willingly spent time answering questions to find out what kind of donut/pizza/other food item you are, then I really hope you were high do yourself a favor and take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator instead.
If you don’t know what Myers-Briggs is, then I’d like to go ahead and assure you that those four letters (INTJ, ESFJ, ENTP, etc.) dudes will occasionally put in their dating profiles are not a code for a weird cult. Those are Myers-Briggs personality types, and as you might have guessed by this past reference, they’re both ubiquitous enough to be referenced in dating profiles and science-y enough to used by the same guy who would make fun of you for reading horoscopes. So, if you’re getting tired of blaming everything on being an Aquarius, your Myers-Briggs is the next best scapegoat for all your terrible life choices. You’re 45 minutes late to brunch because you’re an ENFP, and you can’t be tamed. Duh. Because I’m super generous, here’s a breakdown of what these letters mean, so you can start using them as excuses ASAP.
I vs. E: Introvert vs. Extrovert
If you need this one explained to you, maybe hold off on the whole MBTI thing and just go read a book or something. While people like to mask introversion vs. extroversion in fancy terms like “what brings you energy,” the answer to that question is
Adderall coffee, not “recharging alone” or “being in groups of people.” Basically, you’re an introvert if you identify with any of Taylor Swift’s lyrics about going home to her cats, and you’re an extrovert if you identify with her nauseating #squadgoals Instagram days (RIP).
Introvert types include: INTJ (Architect/Mastermind), INTP (Logician/Thinker), INFJ (Advocate/Counselor), ISTJ (Inspector/Logistician, which is somehow not the same as Logician), ISFJ (Nurturer/Defender), ISFP (Composer/Adventurer, INFP (Mediator), and ISTP (Craftsman/Virtuoso).
TBH sounds like a lineup of the worst people you could ever date, and I’m saying that as a fully self-aware introvert (Trust me, I’m kind of a handful). TBH, if you’re an “I,” maybe don’t advertise it on your profile.
Extrovert types include: ENTJ (Commander), ENTP (Debater/Visionary), ENFJ (Protagonist/Giver), ENFP (Champion/Campaigner), ESTJ (Supervisor/Executive), ESFJ (Provider/Consul), ESTP (Doer/Entrepreneur), ESFP (Performer/Entertainer).
Obviously, this test is largely skewed toward extroverts (some bigger companies have employees take this test to see who has “leadership qualities” i.e. who has a big fat “E” in front of their type), so if you see these letters while you’re swiping it probably means they’re equally douchey, but maybe have more earning potential.
N vs. S: Intuition vs. Sensing
This one needs slightly more explaining, because it makes almost no sense. The description given on the MBTI website is this: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? So, if that’s the bar we’re going by, I think we’d all say we’re fucking intuitive. Like, if the guy you’ve been seeing naked for the past few weeks is tagged in an Insta with the caption #bae #lovethisguy, are you going to focus on the basic information there, or are you going to perhaps interpret and add some meaning? If it’s the former, good for you—I guess if you’re an “S” personality type. It means you’re super fucking chill and don’t jump to conclusions (but you’re also probably pretty boring and terrible at gossip). If you’re an N, then LMK where you’d like me to send your care baskets after you kill this guy on a hunch that he’s stepping out on you, only to find out the girl in the pic was his sister. Oops.
F vs. T: Feeling vs. Thinking
I actually fully stopped and checked to see who created this test just now, because I had a hard time believing that anyone other than a man would force you to choose which one of these activities you identify more with. TBH this is kind of like including a section that has you choose between sleeping and breathing, but okay. This test was, in fact, written by TWO women, both of whom I’m sure are emotionally compartmentalized in ways I can only dream of. Anyway, this part tests to see whether your decision-making is based on “logic and consistency” or “people and special circumstances.” Again, seems like one of these (thinking) makes you a real dud and/or low-key heartless, but it also probably keeps you out of a lot of petty drama and makes you way more efficient at your job. Make all your friends take this test so you know which one to go to for a post break-up cry and which one to go to when you need a scheming bitch.
P vs. J: Perceiving vs. Judging
Not to be JUDGMENTAL, but I’ve been on this website like, 100 times and I still fail to understand how this section is all that different from sensing vs. intuition. Like, they’re both asking whether you prefer to trust the psychotic voice in your brain over the world around you, but for some reason this one is tagged as “Structure” while S vs. N is supposedly about “Information.” Should I have paid more attention in Psych 101? Perhaps. Anyway, the general idea here is that S vs. N is more about how you are internally, while Perceiving or Judging is how you relate to the outside world. So, I’m assuming most/all of you are falling heavily on the “J” side of things here, but the Perceiving side sounds pretty nice too, mostly because it sounds like you’re high all the time. The sentences in the Perceiving section include stuff like “I am stimulated by an approaching deadline” (ew, why use stimulated here) and “I like to keep plans to a minimum,” so P might just mean that you’re really fucking disorganized, and I feel you.
Whatever this test tells you, the important thing to remember is that your category is only as good as you make it: Each of these 16 types definitely contains at least one excuse for your shitty behavior of some kind, like how my type, INTJs, are basically doomed to die alone so
IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M STILL SINGLE, MOM I don’t have to feel bad about cancelling dates last minute. Find your excuse and use it, I believe in you.
I’m just gonna be straight up with you. We’re in the middle of a fucking inferno, my boob sweat could potentially flood a small country, and I’m writing this in between my nightly routine of Netflix and actually trying to chill, so let’s just cut the shit. I know you’re fully aware of the qualities of a fuckboy – hell, you’re probably creeping on the hoe in his Snapchat story as we speak. So honestly, I’ve got better things to do than waste my precious time explaining to you what you should already know.
I will say that we’re officially halfway through summer, so if you haven’t yet been ghosted by some fratty fuck in Chubbies, or you’ve been hit up like 12 times for discounted fat-shaving supplements, then tbh, what have you been doing? On second thought, teach me your ways. But since I have nothing better to do than wait for some worthless POS to view my cleave shot on my Snap story while catching up on GoT, I’m about to take a wild guess go in depth as to how your choice of summer fuckboy speaks volumes about who you are, which really just shows how much of a garbage human I am. Whatever.
The One Who Claims He Has a Boat
So you care way too much about what people think of you. But like, same same. Your social media presence is blasted in everyone’s face, sort of like this guys’ outdated fashion suicide of Sperry’s and pastel button downs. You probably put as much effort into your all-white Instagram aesthetic as you did into trying to get him to “maybe take you on his yacht” someday. You have an affinity for pink martinis with a flower on the rim, but solely for use on social media. You may pretend to live on a strcit diet of sushi and coconut La Croix around him, but in reality, there’s still Taco Bell wrappers at your bedside from last night’s “accidental” drunk food order.
The Foreign Fuckboy
Sure, whatever, your trip to Yacht Week in Croatia was unforgettable, but only because you outdid the number of Instagram posts that are socially acceptable for like, idk a year. #Unfollow. You met some slimy Italian dude while on vacation whose thighs were more tan than yours, which is disgusting. You were obvi looking for one thing and one thing only: a foreign fuck. You were somehow mind-fucked (or actually fucked) into thinking that this guy will still be around next vacay, and your friends are dreading your return home because you already started a countdown on Twitter for the number of days you’ll see him again. Newsflash: Summer flings were only cool in Mary Kate & Ashley movies. Read a fucking book.
The Wannabe Wolf of Wallstreet
Let me guess: You adore that while everyone else was downing Kamikaze shots, this guy was decked out in a business suit (ugh fine). You tend to go for the older men as seen from your latest subtweet that read, “literally just can’t stand immature idiots anymore.” You adore his ambition and the fact that he hashtags shit like #OnThatGrind and #DoItForTheHustle, but you mostly adore his wallet. Since meeting this guy, your Pinterest game has gone from hipster Urban Outfitter room décor to an entire board dedicated to Kris Jenner’s living room. He may unofficially officially constitute as a sugar daddy, but like, if he’s picking up the tab, count me in.
The Self-Described Personal Trainer
Quick Q: Are you bored? Do you, like, hate your life? Yeah, sure, this guy is hot and in shape and can possibly get you a 3-day trial pass to Equinox, but now you’re punishing us (your true friends) for like, wanting to maintain your summer body or whatever. It’s like you find pure joy in trying to make us all feel bad when you showed up to brunch last weekend only to opt out of the “bottomless” option. Like, huh? And to top it all off, you’ve now become the type of betch who literally won’t shut the fuck up about your new free personal trainer and how you crushed your latest workout. Honestly though, I’ll let this slide because once you realize you literally have nothing in common and that he just gave you the ‘eye’ for eating three fries, I’ll be ready with a bloody in hand.
The One You Hooked Up With in College
Look, betches aren’t perfect (but we’re pretty fucking close). But if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s lowering our standards for a good cause. Like dick. Ok, so I low-key just described myself because, for some reason, I live for recycling hookups, but there must be someone else out there as into used goods as I am, right? Basically, here’s the deal. I’m a fucking good time, but mostly I just have chronic FOMO, and I can’t help it. The idiot from college is still impressed because I’m a successful (?) journalist, only gained like 12 lbs post-college, and I’m always down to schedule a blackout at approx. 10 p.m. In turn, he is forced offers to pay for my drinks, I get drunk and horny, and it’s a win for all, especially me, because that minor lapse in judgment didn’t cost me an increase in my number or a decrease in my (barely-there) dignity. I love me.
The One Who Surfs, Brah
This guy is like, the gateway into the fuckboy kingdom. Thankfully you don’t have to worry him eyeing other girls, but that’s only because his brain is full of contaminated salt water and his boy band blonde-tourage doesn’t leave his side until the tide comes in. It takes a special type of girl to tolerate this guy – you know, like a girl who also doesn’t care (is that even a thing?). This betch’s Instagram is full of photography and she judges every girl for wearing makeup to the beach (fucking sue me). But she’s also like naturally tan and has a good body without even trying, so I can’t hate her that much.
The Wearing a RompHim As A “Joke”
This guy is always the life of the party, so, I mean, this betch did something right. On the other hand, this guy still thinks that wearing pastel RompHims are like, fucking hilarious, and for some reason I’ll never understand, she eats that shit up. They generally manage to give everyone at the party a raging migraine, partially because of their incessant need to be the center of attention, but also because of that pastel ensemble mixed with last season Birkenstocks… and I’m not talking about her. The type of betch who lives for this annoying af dude is also on a constant blackout state from Friday to Sunday, but like same. Wait, am I talking about me again?
READ: The 9 Types Of Fuckboys You’ll Unfortunately Have Sex With Before You Die
We’re officially half-way through summer and if you haven’t taken at least one vacation by now, who even are you? Let’s just talk about how we have, like, 14 weeks until there’s fucking snow on the ground again, so you best be making the most out of your insta-while-wearing-a-bikini opportunities. That being said, if you’re planning a trip or just want to know what your vacation choices say about your personality, this gem is for you.
First of all, ew. Did you get brainwashed by your granola boyfriend into thinking camping was a good idea? Vacations are for relaxing and also having wifi/cell phone service. You’re really cutting into Snapchat opportunities to brag about your trip if you don’t have reception. TBH, if you chose to use your vacation days to rough it and get closer to nature, we can already tell a few things about you: 1) you have pictures on instagram being topless in nature, probably showing the Grand Tetons your little Tetons (they’re not impressed, btw.) 2) You pretend you’re not judgmental, but you really judge everyone who doesn’t have wet dreams about hidden mountain hot springs. 3) Your water bottle is attached to a carabiner. Is that spot on or is that spot on?
A Public Beach
You’re basic and you dgaf about it. I mean, certain things are popular for a reason. You’re not too proud to rough it with the rest of the world. Like, sure, there are probably fat dudes in speedos and kids around, but that won’t kill your vibe. You probably have an affinity for tequila shots and hooking up with dudes in the summer you wouldn’t even look twice at when you’re back to your real life. You’ll definitely post a #TBT when you get home and the caption will say “I need a vacation from my vacation”. We get it, Julie, you’re hungover.
Let’s just group the Hamptons Betches together. (Side note: the Hamptons can be exclusive, but talk to me when you spend a weekend on Fishers Island.) You like that #LushLife. You’re a “see and be seen” kind of girl and the Jersey Shore just does not do it for you. You prefer events that are invitation only, and if you can’t name-drop after a vacation, you don’t see a point. You probably own at least one Lilly Pulitzer dress and your dusted off the Jack Rodgers for the first time this year so you could wear them to the beach. You pretend to be casual, but your idea of casual is a round of golf followed by a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Your family probably winters in Sun Valley or Park City.
The betch who chooses an international vacation could really be one of two types of people. She’s either the kind of girl who wants to be somewhere exclusive, but, like, on steroids. Or, she’s the girl who spends the summer abroad to “expand her horizons.” If you fall in to the latter category, you’re definitely not a opposed to a fling with a
creepy mysterious Italian dude. When you contract HPV from him, it’ll be like a fun European souvenir you’ll have for the rest of your life. When you get back, you’ll annoy all your friends with how you pronounce “Barthelona”. It’ll take a good four months before anyone can stand to be around you again. Your new, worldly-yet-pretentious attitude will be palpable.
A Charity Trip
Ok so this isn’t necessarily a “spot” but whether you’re painting an elementary school in the scary part of a major U.S. city or solving the world’s problems in a developing nation, you fall into the same category of betch. Sure, what you’re doing is super commendable and you’re really shining a light on the selfishness of the rest of us assholes. You’re probably a bit of a nice girl. Your philanthropy is definitely the most unique thing about you; not that there’s anything wrong with that. You probably can’t sit with us just because we’ll feel guilty about ourselves when you start to talk about how you actually benefited the lives of other. Pass on having a conversation with anyone who makes me feel remotely spoiled.
OK, just admit it, you’re poor. Hey, you might not be poor forever, but you’re probably lacking major cash flow if you’re “choosing” to stay home when you could be, um, not home. Sure, getting out and exploring your own city can be cool, but we just call that living somewhere. Like, going out to eat and going to events is part of life and not a break from it. i.e. the whole point of a vacation. You can’t really brag to your coworkers about a place that they’ve literally all been. If you’re taking days off just to stay home, maybe resist bragging about it.