‘Are You The One?’ Recap: It’s Time To Get Morgan Some Security

Hello, Are You the One? Nation! Huh, that wasn’t quite as catchy as Bachelor Nation. Plus, way less people watch this show. Hello, Are You the One? Borough! Yes, yes, that’s right. We’ve made it to another week of our beloved show, and as you’ll recall, last week we were left on a cliffhanger. Will Tevin, Jasmine, and a vat of neon paint seal the deal? Let’s dive right in!

We open on a rainy morning, and honestly the weather for this retreat is not doing a whole hell of a lot to help out the Hawaii tourism bureau. I thought the weather there was always supposed to be sunny with a chance of piña coladas? Is that not right?

A bunch of the cast is sitting around in one tent talking about their exes. Cam is talking about how Kayla’s ex was a piece of woman-hating trash on steroids (I paraphrase) and that reminds me that last week in the comments someone mentioned I forgot to say how sweet Cam was to Kayla during that whole situation. And he was! I’m sorry I didn’t say it, sometimes I get so focused on writing mean things about idiots that I don’t write about the people that display general human decency. Snaps for Cam! And Cam, if you don’t find your perfect match, my girl It’s Britney, Betch is very into your fratty vibe so you might want to hit her up. There! My good deed for today. Moving on.

This is a nice supportive moment in the tent, and everyone is very sweet to one another and they are committed to working together and figuring this thing out. Obviously, Bria is not there.

Cut to Tevin and Asia doing yoga and talking about Kenya’s behavior with her ex. And by behavior, I mean supergluing her ass to his lap. Tevin says he’s afraid that Kenya will find out what happened between him and Jasmine, and I think that statement, along with the graphic footage from last week, pretty much confirms that the neon paint was used as lube last night. Tevin is set on separating from Kenya and I’m feeling very doubtful that will happen.

Back inside the tent, Bria, possessed by the devil and the souls of all the scorned women that came before her, is plotting her revenge on Morgan. She says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do yet, but it’s coming. I’m just going to take a wild guess and say it’s going to involve a meat cleaver, rope, duct tape, and bleach.  

Terry shows up and praises the cast for surviving this relationship rehab. I think he’s using the word “survive” very liberally but k, whatever. The good news is that he’s springing them from this monsoon and allowing them to return to the house. I bet they’ve never been so happy to return to their bare mattresses on the floor!

The crew gets home, and everybody immediately needs a shower, and then they have a taco party. I think this is what OJ did the first night he was released from prison, too. Nutsa keeps yelling “guys it’s taco Tuesday!” and now her voice has ruined tacos for me forever. I’m beginning to understand why she has not found love.

Kwasi eats his taco and then decides to stir up some sh*t. And not like Cali’s spicy poops kind of sh*t. He pulls Kenya aside to talk to her.

Kwasi: I don’t want to be a snitch…
Kenya: Tell me
Kwasi: Well since you twisted my arm, Jasmine sucked Tevin’s d*ck last night
Me: 

Kenya is “disgusted” but seems to forget that the reason she didn’t know this happened was because she was temporarily indisposed cuddling up to Tevin’s doppelgänger! She straight-up asks Jasmine if she hooked up with Tevin last night and to her credit, Jasmine admits it right away. Then Kenya takes off to castrate Tevin. She finds him, and Lewis is lingering. She yells, “everyone get the f*ck away” and Lewis says, “I’m bored!” National. Treasure. If anyone deserves to get their d*ck sucked it’s this guy. Oh wait, Kenya already did that…

Tevin admits that he was hurt by the way Kenya was acting with her ex, and that’s why he hooked up with Jasmine. Kenya forgives him and now I just feel bad for Jasmine, who quickly became a pawn in the sick game of two people who will ultimately have multiple pregnancy scares and then break up, perhaps with police intervention.

We switch over to Zak and Morgan, who are sitting outside and listing the things they know about each other. Apparently both of them work for marketing agencies. I’m sure these marketing agencies are very proud of the talent they’ve churned out. Please say the company’s names so I never apply they can get credit. Zak and Morgan are so turned on by all this marketing talk they hightail it to the boom boom room.

The next morning, Terry shows up and reminds us of the fate button. Fate is feeling very left out after a week just sitting in the living room, not being able to ruin lives and pretend to make matches. So fate has taken revenge on the group and chosen Morgan, Kenya, Brett, and Kwasi. At least it spared us all from an extra five minutes of Nutsa’s voice. This week the group date is surfing. In Hawaii.

Kwasi does not know how to swim, and now I’m worried fate was intervening to cause his death do something else. That sneaky b*tch.

Kwasi is really into Morgan and tells her she’s beautiful. She doesn’t like him because he’s superficial. Well, he did spend significant amount of time on this date describing her “yummy physique,” so that’s a fair assessment.

Kenya and Brett think that they could be a match, but they don’t think they have a romantic spark. They also think they’re both hilarious, and to that I say, TELL ME A JOKE. Prove it! No one here has shown me any hilarity other than Lewis. I’m waiting.

Terry gathers the crew in the living room, and decides there isn’t enough blood on the carpet tonight, so he immediately asks Zak if he’s made any new connections. Zak starts gushing over Morgan, as Bria’s smile over in the corner chills me to the bone.

Terry then moves on to see who was voted into the truth booth, and the group has voted in Brett and Kenya. They head to the truth booth and we cut to commercial as our cast screams bloody murder, like they do every week. It means nothing. Well, it means nothing until the week Bria eventually decapitates Morgan.

And they are not a match! Kenya is crying tears of joy because this means she gets to go back to her man. You know, the one who got his d*ck sucked by another girl last night. She’s so lucky!

Me, interviewing Jasmine: How are you feeling right now Jaz?
Jasmine:

After taking a few shots, Bria decides to confront Morgan. Personally, if I was going to commit murder, I’d want to be sober as to make sure I got away with it, but to each their stupid own. Instead of killing her, though, Bria decides to sit Morgan down and just tell her in her very best Liam Neeson revenge-thriller voice that she’s better than Morgan. Morgan says “k, cool, can I go now?” She is allowed to leave. This time…

The next day, Asia decides that she is the Rain Man of the house and is doing some serious strategizing ahead of the match up ceremony. I love the part of the season when people start trying to do math. It very rarely works, and more often than not, their heads explode.

Terry welcomes the crew to the match up ceremony and checks in with our only perfect match thus far, Maria and Shamoy. Shamoy says things are going well but other people need to find their matches so they can have “other people to kick it with.” AKA they f*cking hate each other already. No word on whether anyone has spilled on that white couch yet, unfortunately.

Terry calls up the ladies to choose.

Terry calls Morgan up. He asks her about Zak and then decides there’s not enough blood on his podium, so he asks Bria her thoughts. She calls Morgan a liar. Screaming commences. I drink wine and tune it out. I’ve had enough of this girl.  

Everyone is “locked in.” Words I’m sure they’ve all heard before while drying up in their local drunk tank. We wait an interminable amount of time for the beams. They don’t black out on beams, but I’m sure they’ll be able to accomplish that later with alcohol. The group only gets one additional beam, and Papa Terry is very upset. He tells them that tonight was trash. Hey! That’s my line!

Everyone walks away hanging their heads in shame. TBH they should be hanging their heads in shame more often on this show. That should be their default position. As the episode ends they all are headed to their timeout chairs that Papa Terry set up for them in the house as punishment for being stupid idiots that are dumb. See you next week!

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‘Are You The One?’ Season 7 Premiere Recap: Somebody Please Check On Zak

Hello and welcome, fellow trash TV fans! I am your official Are You The One? recapper this season, and I could not be more delighted to watch 22 people systematically ruin their lives for 10 weeks. Let’s dive right in!

We start off with me realizing that we’re in for a two hour premiere. Who do they think they are? Bachelor in Paradise?  WHY GOD, WHY?! Sidenote: how many hours of reality TV can a person watch in one week before their brain atrophies? Asking for a friend!

The show begins with all of the beautiful tragic people rushing into the house, and I see they’re back in Hawaii this season. I guess no one had an outstanding warrant this year! Small blessings.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around who everyone is but I can’t get past Nutsa’s voice, you guys. Prediction: Drawn to the end of their rope by Nutsa’s voice, the entire cast commits suicide before the season ends, leaving our squeaky little princess to collect the full million dollar prize.

She is also introducing herself like this:

“My name is Nutsa, call me Nuts or Nutsack, I don’t care!” Nutsack, you should care. So very, very much.  But just for that I’mma call you Nutsack all season. You said I could!

I’m living for Kayla stuffing her face while Cam asks her questions. It’s important to fuel up before a night of making out with multiple dudes! Everyone knows that.

Kenya is wasting no time and is proud of it. She took a “tour of the house” with Lewis, was making out with Moe, and is “connecting” with Tevin. But hey! How will you know what you want if you don’t test out all the merchandise? At least that’s what I tell the guy at 16 Handles as he begrudgingly hands over another sample cup.

Okay this makeout session between Kenya and Tevin is aggressive and unnatural. Is that how young people kiss now?

Enter Zak. Zak is already forgetting women’s names and claiming that the incorrect name he just called them was a nickname. Soon he will start calling every girl “babe” because he can’t keep them all straight. Bria, girl, MAKE HIM CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME!

Uh-oh, Bria says that her friends and family would absolutely say she’s crazy. Well, duh. She’s looking for love on an MTV show. I’m pretty sure the “experts” they use to find the perfect matches are actually just monkeys dressed in suits randomly pressing buttons on a keyboard. What’s that saying about monkeys typing Shakespeare? I feel like that was the rationale behind the casting process.

Bria is immediately a self-fulfilling prophecy and basically threatens a murder-suicide if Zak gets with anyone else. Moments after this conversation, Zak looks longingly at Kayla gyrating on the floor and says “Bria’s sexy but there’s a lot of sexy here.” America’s single gentlemen, friends! Scoop ‘em up while you can!

Not shockingly, Bria can read lips and can tell Zak is talking about other girls’ asses and is pretty pissed. I’m just going to take this opportunity and probably many more to say I TOLD YOU all that Bria was going to be a psycho. I should have bet money on it, because my Seamless orders won’t pay for themselves.

Cut to Cam and Kayla. Cam is telling Kayla that she is a “naturally incredible girl,” Don’t you just love how fast and furious those compliments come on night one? Like, before they actually know each other? Cam, just you wait until you are living together with three babies and Kayla’s yelling at you because you “stayed late at work again” but all you can focus on is the spit up on her shirt. THEN tell me if you still think she’s a naturally incredible girl, k?

Cam reveals that he’s a Republican and lol Kayla says in such a sweet voice, “Donald Trump is just not the nicest person in the world.” TBH this is probably the best thing anyone has ever said about him on TV. Can she get a tweet, Donny?

Kenya is asking Tevin about his prior relationships while straddling him. “They were great, I didn’t cheat, can I put my d*ck inside you now?” – Tevin

Now we’re back to Bria fighting with Zak for looking at the other girls.

Bria: I don’t want to be possessive, I’m not going to hold anyone hostage.
Also Bria: 

Samantha conveniently points out, “If you meet someone and you’re already fighting on night one you’re probably not a match.” Samantha, you’re too smart for this show. Go home now and make something of yourself!

We’ve made it to the next day, and the host, Terrence J, shows up. Clearly MTV has not received my signed petition and low-key threats encouraging them to bring Ryan Devlin back. Cool. I’ll try harder next time.

Terrence J announces a change to the show and it’s called the fate button. LOL so cute. If there was such a thing as fate I’d already be married to Jake Gyllenhaal and living in a gorgeous loft in Soho rolling around in my money, but fine, I’ll play along.

The fate button is basically like a slot machine that matches people up on group dates. So the cast’s odds of finding love are basically the same as me winning the penny slots in Atlantic City. FYI I’ve never left AC with my money or dignity intact, so this isn’t looking like a super solid plan. Then the cast picks a couple from the group date to go into the truth booth.

So I guess this means there are no challenges this season? I swear, the producers are getting lazier and lazier. It’s like their bosses asked them to come up with this season’s challenges and they were like, “actually we have an idea. Let’s throw a ton of alcohol at the cast, put Adderall in candy bowls, and install a big red button in the living room and see what happens!”

Zak, Tomas, Cali, and Maria are selected for the group date. And the fate button is selected by Bria for total destruction.

On the date they get to swim with the dolphins. Fun fact: dolphins are the sexual predators of the sea. I read it on Page Six. 

Zak previously said he only had eyes for Bria, but his hand on Maria’s thigh tells a different story. Maybe it’s okay cause their names rhyme? He tells her that Bria “is just like all my exes.” They start making out, and I’M CALLING THE POLICE. Can we get this girl some security like ASAP?! I’m worried for her safety. Hopefully Cam brought his gun!

Tomas likes Cali because she’s not like the girls he meets in Miami. “She doesn’t have fake tits.” What a beautiful compliment. Tomas really knows how to flatter a girl. Cali seems understandably skeptical.

Back at the house, Tevin is telling Kenya about his bird tattoo. Apparently his sister has a similar tattoo, and his bird has a feather from her bird in its mouth. Is that a metaphor or does he just want part of his sister in his mouth? I feel icky.

No Ragrets

The crew convenes in the living room to see who is going to go into the truth booth. Zak admits that he and Maria kissed, and Bria is filled with blind rage but is holding it in to use as a weapon later.

Maria and Tomas were voted into the truth booth. TBH this whole new process makes no sense. How will they strategize (lol)? At least last season they could get people they thought were matches on dates and then vote them into the truth booth. This season it’s just super random, or excuse me, based on fate. Which I must repeat for the people in the back IS NOT REAL.

M & T hit up the truth booth which pretends it’s scanning them with lasers but I’m pretty sure that’s just an MTV intern behind them getting paid $9 an hour to wave some flashlights. 

They are not a match! Which makes complete sense because they were randomly selected to go on a date by a red button, and then chosen to go into the truth booth by people that were about five to seven drinks into their day. 

After the truth booth, everyone gets back to the task at hand—getting so drunk they bring shame on generations of their family that haven’t even been born yet. Jasmine expresses interest in Tevin. Kenya warns her to stay in her lane and says she knows how to keep her man. Then she promptly takes Tevin to the bathroom and bangs him. Never tried that tactic myself, but I’m sure that’ll get someone to stick around. At least for a few extra minutes!

Bria takes Zak outside to cut off his balls with a dull butter knife. She’s mad he made her look stupid. He apologizes because he didn’t realize that a girl he made call him “papa” last night could be that invested in him.

Daniel is finally getting some airtime, and I’m wondering how old he actually is. He said he likes all the girls, especially the ones with the “P-H-A-T Phat” booties. He also wants someone to “get jiggy with.” Now I’m convinced he’s not under 40.

Even though Daniel speaks like he’s Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, he still manages to get almost all the women to make out with him, even Kenya. Tevin and his beautiful eyelashes are sad to see this.

Terrence J welcomes everyone to the matching ceremony and explains the usual rules. If they get zero matches it’s a blackout and their money decreases by half. I hope these contestants can do math because that’s a big ol’ number.

It’s a guys night to pick.

After a pause longer than Tevin and Kenya’s bathroom rendezvous, the cast gets three beams and they go home to take shots in celebration, as one does. 

Bria and Zak wake up together in the morning and all seems to be well with crazy and her Papa.

I spoke too soon. Immediately after getting up, Zak is talking to Morgan and Bria loses it again. Seriously though, how has this girl not had a brain aneurysm yet? The amount of rage in this one episode alone has got to do some damage. Unless she doesn’t have a brain…

Lewis thinks Bria needs a chill pill, but I think she needs a horse tranquilizer as I watch her beat down the door to the confessional where Zak is getting cozy with Morgan. Once again, can I point you to my pre-season prediction on Bria?

Bria scares Morgan out of the confessional and she and Zak make up. Damn, Zak is some kind of kinky, huh? He is LIVING for this.

Zak:  Maybe I like crazy relationships.
Me:  

Okay lol moments later Zak is trying to get into Nutsack’s pants by telling her that he regrets not saving himself for marriage. Sure, Jan. Let’s be real, the only thing you regret is that case of crabs you got.

Bria is literally breaking down to Morgan and telling her she doesn’t want to be portrayed as wild. But like, then why’d you beat down a door?

Another night, another party. Kwasi and Lewis decide the house needs to have a luau. So basically the same thing as last night, only they’re wearing leis with their lingerie. It’s v classy. 

Kenya is literally grinding on everyone. That’s the kind of freedom having blind parents will give you. You go, girl.

Zak and Nutsack start making out in the middle of the room, and Lewis is all of us when he panics and warns them that Bria is right there. I’ve never seen such terror on someone’s face like that before. 

^Lewis at this party rn

The episode ends with Bria drowning her enemies in her a river of her tears. And that’s all for this week!

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