The Super Bowl is less than a week away, which means I should probably Google which teams are playing. Or not. Whatever. But what it really means is that all the brands are starting to release their big Super Bowl commercials, I guess because even the advertisers know that all the guys at your Super Bowl party are going to talk over the commercials and you won’t be able to hear anything. If I had to make predictions, I’d say that we’ll probably see a ton of Budweiser commercials, some random ads that will make you cry, maybe a good Dorito’s one, and a lot of celebrities schilling products they’d never actually use. In the spirit of that last category, let’s talk about the brand new Pepsi ad that just dropped this morning.

The commercial is called “More Than OK,” and it features appearances by Steve Carell, Lil Jon, and, most importantly, Cardi B. That sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, and I’ve got to wonder what amphetamine-fueled meeting conceived of this grouping of people. The premise of the ad is that someone tries to order Coke at a restaurant and the waiter asks if Pepsi is okay, and I’ve got to say, I appreciate that Pepsi is finally saying what we’ve all been thinking our entire lives. I hope Coke comes out with this exact commercial, but the woman ordering says “No of course Pepsi isn’t okay” and the commercial ends there.

But anyway, back to Cardi B. I do find it pretty interesting that Cardi is agreeing to do Super Bowl ads, considering that she turned down the halftime show over the NFL’s treatment of Colin Kaepernick. Like, Pepsi isn’t personally responsible, but Cardi is still profiting off the Super Bowl, even if indirectly. It’s a little questionable of a move, but then again, I’m not one to fault a woman for getting her check.

Cardi B’s political choices aside, Pepsi clearly spent a lot of money putting this commercial together. Super Bowl ad time is unbelievably expensive, and celebs aren’t cheap either. I did some digging, and found out what all of these stars typically charge as a booking fee. Lil Jon is the cheapest of the bunch, at 25-40K, but Cardi B can go as high as half a million dollars. I’m not positive about Steve Carell, but by the time he left The Office, he was making several hundred thousand dollars per episode, so I’m sure he made a nice chunk of Pepsi change. The best part is that Pepsi was able to book all these celebrities directly through the Fyre app! Just kidding, that app was conceptually flawed from the beginning!

Pepsi has a long history of paying top celebrities to be in its commercials, from iconic ads with Michael Jackson and Britney Spears to train wrecks like the Kendall Jenner commercial. You know who doesn’t really do that sh*t? Coke. Pepsi totally knows—and now outwardly admits—that nobody wants to drink their product, so they constantly chase after the biggest star they can get to say they like it. But just like the Kardashians hawking waist trainers on Instagram, there are plenty of people who will buy something just because a celebrity claims to use it.

Images: Shutterstock; Pepsi / YouTube

Wow, another great day to be a woman/alive. Doritos is making a new version of their product just for women, so it looks like the Women’s March worked. Wtf does this even mean? Tysm for asking. In an interview with Freakonomics, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi discussed the ways in which gender differences are influencing new developments for their products. She suggested that women don’t like when their chips crunch too loud, or when the flavoring gets on their fingers, because it’s not ladylike to lick your fingers in public or whatever. So basically Doritos is answering all of our prayers by making a chip that magically doesn’t crunch or get shit all over your fingers. Cool.

I mean, I guess it might be true that *some* women prefer not to crunch too loudly or to have to suck their fingers in front of creepy dudes in public, but if I were to take a guess on what *most* women want, I would land on equal pay, being treated as humans, and not being told how to fucking act all the time. Just a shot in the dark there.

I’ll also point out that eating loudly and indulging in the “finger-licking-good” culture are things women are told we *have* to avoid because of annoying gender norms. It’s not like we have a passion for not being noticed when we eat. Or speak. Or breathe. Or do literally anything. These chips are literally just reinforcing old norms and stereotypes that we are trying to deconstruct and break free from. It’s all backwards.

Freakonomics: What do you think it means to be a woman in today’s society?

Doritos: Mostly just having your period and not making any noise when you eat chips. Final answer.

Anyway, women took to Twitter to speak their minds on the issue, because at least they’re still letting us do that.

women: give us equal pay
the world: look, a KFC female colonel!
women: we said equal pay
the world: doritos won't crunch anymore!!!
women: EQUAL PA-
the world: have you tried "BIC PENS FOR HER"??

— Ali Vingiano (@alivingiano) February 5, 2018

What if Lady Doritos are just regular Doritos but when a woman buys a bag she only gets 77% of the chips a guy would.#LadyDoritos

— Geraldine (@everywhereist) February 6, 2018

The only quiet chips are stale chips. This Tuesday I’m voting #no on #ladychips

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 6, 2018

Now, PepsiCo is saying that the “reporting on a specific type of Doritos product for women” is inaccurate, so it’s probs safe to say that these lady Doritos might not ever see the light of day due to the backlash. One step forward, twelve steps back, I suppose.

Still, I can’t wait to tell my future nieces about the long and strenuous fight for Lady Doritos. Whatever, I’m getting Cheetos.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Giphy, Twitter

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.

This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.

10. Michelob Ultra

Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.

9. Squarespace

I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?

8. Tide

While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.

7. Winter Olympics

While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.

6. Jack in the Box

I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.

5. NFL

Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.

4. Groupon

Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.

3. Pepsi

Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.

2. Amazon Alexa

If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.

1. Doritos & Mountain Dew

Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.

It’s Friday, which means another week has passed where I’m forced to write about America’s favorite attention whores: the Kardashians. And by “forced,” I mean I willingly and gleefully volunteered for the job. Obviously. Anyways, in a shocking turn of events, I am not writing to spread rumors confirm more Kardashian pregnancies, and thank fucking god for that. I really don’t think I could take another pregnancy “leak” right before my weekend starts. I was already planning to blackout at 5pm sharp, and I don’t need the added anxiety of finding out a person whom I’ve never met and have no personal connection to Kendall Jenner is pregnant. Nope. Can’t do it. I’m actually writing, because today is Kendall’s birthday! *Feels journalism degree slowly withering away and dying* Kendall, aka the skinny one with the personality of a stapler (I know, I paint a vivid picture, don’t I?), is 22 today. I could have sworn she was closer to 30? But maybe that’s because I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes for longer than all of Kylie’s plastic surgery procedures combined, so yeah, Kendall feels fucking ancient to me. And since it’s Kendall’s birthday I figured we should celebrate the occasion the only way I know how: with a public shaming. My mother really raised a winner, didn’t she?

And what better place to begin than with her intelligence? So in honor of her bday, let’s talk shit about all the times we were smarter than Kendall Jenner, which was kind of a lot, tbh.

When She Chose Her Career

If you spend your valuable free time stalking these plagues upon humanity Keep Up at all, then you know Kendall has always been the timid, quiet one in the family. She has said multiple times how she, “hates the spotlight,” and, “loves eating,” and, “embracing her tomboy side,” which is why she chose International Super Model as her career path. Makes sense. It’s weird, because I’ve always said shit like how I, “hate workplace fluorescent lighting,” but, “love eating,” and, “embracing a life where I’m not homeless,” and felt a similar struggle when I declared myself a creative writing major. Celebrities, they’re just like us.

When She Said She Couldn’t Read Good

I’m not going to say that was verbatim what came out of her mouth as an explanation for fucking up an introduction at the Billboard Music Awards, but I’m also not not saying that. Her actual introduction of 5 Seconds of Summer went something like, “um, oneeee…?” Which is barely English, let alone an introduction for which I’m sure she was paid millions to present. *internally screams* This is Betsy DeVos’ America, people, right fucking here.

When She Didn’t Lock Down Harry Styles As Her BF Even Though She Literally Had 1 Million Chances To Do So

So clearly she’s a lesbian. Because I don’t see another valid explanation for why she would let Harry Styles go just like that. Okay, so this might be a stretch seeing as how it was never actually confirmed that the two of them were more than just fuck buddies friends “hanging out,” but she was at one point in her life very close to Harry Styles, and now she’s very close to always being the single sister on the Kardashian family vacations. All I’m saying is someone fucked up here and it’s not the beautiful, talented human she had in her clutches for two plus years. Just saying.

*whispers “she doesn’t fucking deserve you” under breath*

That Time She Compared Her Legacy To Dead Music Icons

Remember that one time Kendall and Kylie decided it would be a good idea to photoshop their faces and initials on top of pictures of dead musical icons like Biggie and Tupac and sell the offending result as a t-shirt for a casual $125 a shirt? And I totally almost bought one, because I’m trash? The girls claimed they were “deeply sorry” for their blatant attempt to make a profit off of cultural appropriation a t-shirt idea and that the designs “were not well thought out.” Uh, yeah. You can fucking say that again. I imagine a lot isn’t “thought out” in their lives, but then again, one of them is one of the highest paid supermodels in the world, and the other is slowly bleeding me dry one lip kit at a time, sooo who’s the real sucker here?

When She “Graduated” From High School

Any sort of academic degree hand-delivered by Ryan Seacrest as a strategic attempt to raise ratings is fake news if I’ve ever seen it. The man has gelled tips IN THE YEAR 2017. Nope. I don’t trust it. We’ve already established that the girl can barely tell the difference between the numerical values one and five, and you think she passed California’s high school state exams? I may believe literally every other bullshit rumor funneled to the media by Kris Jenner and her minions, but I ain’t buying this one. Even my degree in creative writing sounds less fake than this shit.

That Time She Thought She Found The Answer To World Peace

And, last but not least, we have the Pepsi can heard ‘round the world.’ Oh honey, baby, cookie, sweetie, what in the fuck were you thinking? I’m still not over the fact that she thought wearing a jean-on-jean ensemble and flaunting her white privilege a pepsi can during a riot as a show of breaking down race barriers and promoting world peace would go over well with, like, anyone. I mean, was Kendall the mastermind behind this campaign? That’s a hard no. I doubt that girl would know how to spell her own name without Kris Jenner whispering, “No, there’s two L’s,” in her ear. But, like, she did show up to set and for that we roast her, because any person with human eyes and who reads at a fourth grade reading level could tell what was up. Oh, Kendall. I’d say never change, but we both know you won’t.

Jesus fucking Christ. Well, at least you have an amazing thigh gap. Seriously, v jealous. Just keeping playing to your strengths, girlfriend!

As you all know, Kendall Jenner stepped in deep shit last week with the release of her new Pepsi ad campaign, which more than casually suggests that all of the world’s problems could be solved with an ice cold Pepsi. Somebody send this girl to Syria! Would love to see that KUWTK episode. However, the Betches investigative team is fairly certain that the ad was only the tip of the controversy iceberg. Like, do we really believe that Pepsi had no idea this ad would go south? And sure, Kendall Jenner might actually be dumb enough to not get what’s wrong with the ad, but Kris Jenner is far from stupid. She’s kind of an evil genius, actually. Forget Russia. This shit goes deep.

But exactly how deep does the Pepspiracy theory go? We’ve broken it down in depth for you with an article, but for those of you who don’t read good (Kylie Jenner) and want to learn to do other stuff good just don’t have the fucking time to sit down and read a whole article, we’ve broken the whole thing down for you in just 30 seconds. 

By now you’ve probably seen the Kendall Jenner pepsi ad and read over one thousand think pieces on how stupid, “tone deaf,” and just generally fucked it was. As far as that debate goes, we have already participated and have nothing left to add. However, now that the dust is settling and the post-Pepsi hangover is finally kicking in, we have to ask the one question that is on any amateur conspiracy theorist’s mind: did Pepsi do this on purpose for attention?

As betches, we all know how to recognize when someone is doing something just for attention. We spotted it when Madeline wore that “desperate” look to the Audrey & Elvis party, and we can spot it now. Plus, as avid followers of the Kardashians, we know that anything, literally anything, involving that family is meticulously planned out in a secret underground Beverly Hills bunker and approved by Kris Jenner herself. Kendall has not taken a shit in the past 21 years without Kris’ approval, so there’s no way she didn’t know about this.

But like, what do media people say about this? Well, they’re divided. In a story published by the LA Times, chairman of Reputation Management Consultants Eric Schiffer said “I think played it the way they intended to, adding that the “net effect” of the ad was positive “because the world is talking about it.”

It’s kind of like that one week in high school when I caused a brief scandal by dumping one member of the Oakton High School theater community to go to homecoming with a different (more handsome) member of the Oakton Theater community. Were people calling me a slut behind my back? Sure. But was I also the talk of the town just in time for one of OHS’ most important fall social events? You fucking know it.

And here’s the thing: Pepsi is no stranger to pulling controversial ads aimed at young people. In 1989, Madonna (woman from the eighties who made out with Britney at the VMAS) teamed up with Pepsi during the Grammy’s to debut her song “Like A Prayer” with a two minute Pepsi commercial, which was also supposed to announce that Pepsi would be sponsoring Mads’ next world tour. But then, after the official “Like A Prayer” video was released and featured Madonna dancing in front of burning crosses and having interracial sex in a church pew (casual), Pepsi was forced to pull the ad and cancel Madonna’s contract.

So like, if Pepsi has fucked up like this once, how could they fuck up like this again? I mean, sure, 1989 is like one whole Taylor Swift ago, but people usually remember when they spark international controversy.

Unless….that’s exactly what Pepsi wanted. 

Think about it, when was the last time you were affected by Pepsi in your day-to-day life? When was the last time you even saw someone with a Pepsi? TBH I forgot they existed after they stopped using Britney as their spokeswoman. I’d kind of assumed they were dead. But now, for better or for worse, Pepsi is back in the media again. In that same LA Times article, Schiffer estimated that Pepsi probably earned somewhere between $300 million and $400 million in free media coverage due to their controversial ad. In Kardashian terms, this kind of financial windfall is referred to as “Tuesday.”

In an article called “Pepsi’s New Ad Is A Total Success,” The Atlantic’s Ian Bogost reminds us that “Before it’s an ad for shampoo or cat food or cola, every advertisement is first an ad for capitalism.” And apart from the fact that he sounds exactly like every hipster you dated for like two minutes before realizing he was too annoying to spend time with, Bogost is right. Pepsi got exactly what Pepsi wanted, which is basically for people to be talking about Pepsi.

Again, this goes back to the Shit Talking Principle, which basically states that any person who is being talked shit about is getting attention, thereby they are popular, and thereby they are socially successful. It’s like, Newton’s fifth law or something.

Let’s not forget that this ad had to go through tons of people before it went to air, meaning there were many, many opportunities for someone at Pepsi to say “Hey maybe we shouldn’t suggest that Kendall Jenner solve police brutality with a refreshing Pepsi?” or “Hey guys it doesn’t really make sense that Kendall Jenner would walk off of a modeling set to join a protest that appears to be in favor of nothing.” Are they really trying to get us to believe that a group of some of the highest paid ad execs in the business had no idea the ad would be taken this way? Have they even seen Twitter? You can barely RT a Spongebob meme without some egg coming out of the woodwork to tell you how Spongebob is actually racist because it perpetuates harmful plankton stereotypes. Pepsi had to know this is how the ad would go.

More recently, the same Atlantic piece points out that Pepsi was roasted back in 2009 for a bizarre leaked design strategy that literally compared Pepsi’s new swirly-spiral trademark to The Mona Lisa and was full of batshit diagrams like this:

Wtf is this? What does it mean? Why does the little Pepsi jump us to the future when the big Pepsi is already jumping us to the same future? Whose DNA are they referring to? What is happening in that little white squiggle line that changes the world from convention to innovation? I have so many questions. 

So you see, even back in 2009, people were wise to Pepsi’s shady, attention whore behavior (THINKPIECE IDEA: Is Pepsi The Vanessa Of Soft Drinks?) with some media outlets calling the entire thing a “hoax released as part of a ‘viral marketing campaign by the drink firm to get attention from the internet.’”

Bogost ends his Pepspiracy theory by stating, “The genius of this decision is that it satisfies everyone. The Kardashian fanatics got their Kendall Jenner fix. The agitators get to feel that they have successfully redressed a big brand company; a minor victory in a time of so many defeats. The earnest, probably-white folk who enjoyed Pepsi’s alternative to constant politicization got their saccharine status-quo and now they also get a branded excuse to issue a counter-offensive against the progressives who insisted on bringing politics into innocuous soft drinks (surely it’s coming). The media get their scoops, and their think pieces (like this one). And these outcomes, incompatible as though they are all return attention to Pepsi—which is all it really wanted in the first place.”

TL;DR: Pepsi are evil geniuses who found a way to make an ad so stupid that it pissed off everyone, thereby getting attention from everyone, which was the point of the stupid ad in the first place. Please remind me to employ this strategy next time one of my friends think that they can have a wedding that is just a “celebration of love” and isn’t somehow also about me.

Pepsi, whether or not you knew your ad was going to blow up into a heaping trash fire that threatened to engulf the Kardashians along with it, we don’t know, but what we do know is that your shady behavior is hereby noted and that your pettiness level is hereby declared high. Which may or may not have been what you wanted all along.

Now BRB while I use my incredible investigative skills to help solve the crisis in Syria and stop World War III from fucking up our summer vacation. You’re welcome in advance. 

This week, Pepsi released the commercial for their new “Live For Now Moments Anthem” campaign (which is a fucking mouthful and what does it mean??), and to say people are unimpressed would be an understatement. In times like this, it seemed like there was nothing that could unite the American public, but Pepsi and Kendall Jenner have managed to do it by offending literally every single person with this bizarre ad. We’re going to break it down for you, but we recommend first watching the video in its entirety here. Do it now while you still can—we have a feeling it’s not going to be up for much longer.

Basically, the painfully long ad shows an off-brand Black Lives Matter march going down the street where Kendall Jenner happens to be doing a photoshoot. Because anyone who’s ever been to a protest knows that a closed-off street with hundreds to thousands of people crushed up against each other like sardines, marching along at a snail’s pace while chanting, is the perfect place to shoot some fashion ad.

I mean, this has got to be the weakest protest ever. “Join the conversation”? That’s not a call to action. That would be like if I showed up to the Women’s March like “Hey misogynistic men, can you guys kindly consider giving women equal rights and we can talk about bodily autonomy later? No? OK.”

Here we have Kendall, sporting a blonde wig and some Lala Kent hoops. The hoops are irrelevant but the wig will become important later.

^This is what democracy looks like!

Kendall sees this protest going on all of a sudden—because apparently she hasn’t checked social media in the past week to see all the Facebook event RSVPs, I guess—and gets this look in her eyes that says “What are all those poor people doing down there? Don’t they know inside is where the air conditioning is?”

BUT THEN it all changes when a semi-cute guy with a cello on his back locks eyes with Kendall and gives her The Nod. She rips off her wig, smears her lipstick (the ultimate “fuck you” to the patriarchy) and joins the protestors, while the photographers are like “Bitch WTF you have a job to do, we get paid by the hour.” Kendall doesn’t care, though—she’s got a movement to join!

She makes her way to the front and grabs a Pepsi on the way—because all protests come equipped with buckets of free Pepsi on ice—and greets a line of police officers with an ice-cold can of Pepsi.

And just like that, we solved the issue of police brutality, guys! Kendall turns back to the protestors, who are all cheering her on for her heroic act of bravery. And to think, all those policemen who killed unarmed people of color were just thirsty! Can we add that we all know that if there was one soda to unite us all, it would be Diet Coke? Anyway. Everybody is happy, and one of the police officers definitely thinks he’s gonna fuck Kendall later. You can tell because he turns to his police buddy and gives him the following look:

If that doesn’t say “I’m SO gonna hit that,” then I don’t know what does.

The whole plot of the commercial is very questionable, but for Pepsi to think someone like Kendall Jenner would be the right person to convey their pseudo-social justice message in the first place is more than a little alarming. Like, they could’ve easily used that cute Muslim girl with the head covering, but instead she was basically just Kendall’s adoring fan with a chunky video camera from the late 90s.

What’s really the most laughable, though, is that the face of this “movement,” Kendall Jenner, is a rich white reality TV star with a questionable blonde wig—sound like anyone we know? IRL Kendall is probably not mad about the tax breaks she’ll be getting as a super rich person, and she definitely has never had to worry about the police getting up in her business for no reason (let alone worrying about not making it out of that interaction alive… but OK yeah you’re right I’ll leave that part to Salon). In fact, the only “protest” she’s been spotted at was that one year when the Chanel show was protest themed. It’s v unclear how the people at Pepsi thought this would go over well, but someone is definitely gonna lose their job over this.

Bottom line? Kendall’s a cute girl, but she’s clearly not the one who should be starring in commercials that are supposed to make any sort of political statement. At least leave that to Shailene Woodley or something. And also Diet Coke is far superior to Pepsi and we’re very offended that Kendall would imply otherwise. That’s all.