This past weekend, The Bachelor‘s Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham got married. (Really thought I’d never have to spell “Luyendyk” again. Pretty mad that I do.) While some fans are annoyed that the wedding wasn’t aired on live TV, I’m sort of grateful we were spared a six-hour episode of The Bachelor on Monday night. (My liver couldn’t handle it.) And luckily, an anonymous source gave PEOPLE all the details of their wedding. So I, personally, feel like I was there and intend to judge the whole affair as though I was.
We already knew they were getting married in Maui, at an old “processing factory for sugarcane” (according to Wikipedia) called Haiku Mill. If they did not write their vows in haikus, I will be simultaneously relieved and very disappointed. (“Once I met Lauren / I was like, ‘nah, Becca K’ / Then I changed my mind”.) An old processing factory doesn’t sound the most romantic, but pictures of the venue are actually pretty stunning. Very real-life fairytale, which, if Lauren’s Instagram captions are any indication, is exactly what she’s going for.
PEOPLE’s coverage continues by reminding me that Arie and Lauren have a 10-year age difference, and that they only got engaged 10 months ago. (Ten. Months. Doesn’t it feel like a f*cking decade has passed?) As for the ceremony itself, PEOPLE reports that they “wrote their own vows,” and both “got choked up.” Arie’s grandparents acted as ring bearer and flower girl, which is actually pretty f*cking cute. As is PEOPLE noting that they got the “biggest laughs,” and that the grandma “really connected with everyone.” Hey, maybe his grandma can be the next Bachelorette! I’d tune in as long as they promise Arie won’t be on it.
In terms of visuals to judge, only Bachelor producer Megan Firestone dared to break what I’m sure was an ironclad no social media rule. Her post has sadly since been deleted (and she may or may not be holed up in an ABC torture chamber as we speak), but I can tell you that Lauren looks like a princess (the hair!!), and Arie and Lauren look very happy. The only suspicious things about this picture are
how well-lit it is when every candid of me at a party looks like I just crawled out of the underworld how extremely not pregnant she looks. Whatever Fit Tea she’s drinking, I want it. Thankfully, we do have one Instagram of the wedding, courtesy of Rachael Wolfner, who is doing the lord’s work.
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Finally, no coverage of Arie and Lauren’s wedding would be complete if we didn’t discuss the most-cherished guest: Baby Girl Luyendyk (Jr.??) As we already knew, Arie and Lauren are expecting a baby. But if you didn’t follow their baby’s Instagram (I hate me too), you might not have known that they are expecting a baby girl! I’ll be accepting a running list of baby name guesses in the comments.
Other useful tidbits included on this Instagram include regular updates on the baby’s size (fig! plum! taco!) and cheeky details about Lauren’s personal life, like how she’s learning Dutch and plays Mozart for her baby. It feels totally weird to be making fun of someone who looks better six months pregnant than I do now, but come on. She’s writing full paragraphs in the voice of a fetus and it’s hilarious.
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Aloha friends! Today I’m 19 weeks old and the size of a mango ???? (how fitting right?) I’m so happy you all know that I’m a girl! It was such a fun week telling the world and now Mom and Dad can finally start buying me clothes 🙂 So this week a lot of stuff is going on in here. My body is covered by vernix which feels like swimming in cream cheese… weird I know but it’s good for my skin. Working on my glow for my grand appearance. I’m also growing my first little hairs on my head Mom and Dad both are picturing me blonde but you never know! Well gotta run, Mom and Dad are getting married this week and it’s hard to type with Mom moving around so much!
Here’s hoping the wedding went off without a hitch, that the couple whispers “I love that” to each other into old age, and that they have a happy, healthy blond baby! I draw the line, however, at watching a Baby Luyendyk spin-off.
Trashy reality TV fans, our worlds have finally collided. Jax Taylor of Vanderpump Rules and Nick Viall of
whoring himself out on ABC The Bachelor(ette)(in Paradise) met at a party at a nightclub in California (figures), and Nick was a douchebag to Jax. Jax went on Bravo’s podcast (sidenote: they have a podcast?) and talked about his meeting with Nick, which apparently didn’t go so well. Nick Viall? Acting like an asshole? Groundbreaking.
It all supposedly started when Jax asked Nick to take a picture with him, and Nick refused because I guess he’s too good for Bravo’s #1 reality TV show, but not too good to flail around awkwardly on ABC for ratings. So Jax said, “First of all, buddy, don’t toot your own horn, I have no f—ing idea who you are,” which makes no sense because Jax asked him to take the picture. Does he just go around asking for photos with random dudes? Eh, seems like something Jax might do, actually.
Jax added, “I know you’re on The Bachelor,” so he does know who Nick is! And then delivered this sick burn: “Okay, good for you, great. You’re on a disposable reality show that you’ll be gone in five minutes and no one will know who you are, so you want to get your five minutes of fame in now.”
I mean, Jax is not wrong. Nick only has two appearances on The Bachelorette, one stint on Bachelor in Paradise, and one season as the Bachelor to his name, while Jax has been a major character on all five seasons of Vanderpump Rules. If you can’t do basic math, that means Jax has been relevant in the reality TV world for one more season than Nick, which is equivalent to like, at least half an hour in the real world. Then again, with Nick appearing on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars, he’ll be neck and neck with Jax in terms of screen time. So I think it’s fair to say that this is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle irrelevant.
Apparently Jax continued to make fun of Nick for not using social media (because Nick gets his attention the old fashioned way: appearing on spinoff after spinoff and refusing to go back to his day job), and even called him a “f—ing piece of shit.” LOL. Now THIS sounds like the Jax we all know and love. Then Jax called Nick a douchebag and they got into “a heated exchange.”
I have a lot of questions, naturally, but the one that stands out is: What was Nick doing this entire time? Like, did he just stand there when Jax hurled insults at him? Did he cry? I bet he cried. I wonder if we’ll see this exchange on an episode of Vanderpump Rules next season. Knowing Nick, he’ll make a cameo just to squeeze an extra five minutes of fame out of it.
OMG, wait. I was joking, but now that I think about it, that’s TOTALLY something Nick would do. Bravo fans, we cannot let this happen. It’s bad enough that James and Lala came in and tried to replace Stassi; we absolutely CANNOT allow Nick Viall to come into our
house show and fuck it up with his lysping, turtleneck-wearing, beach-volleyball-lurking, crying-all-the-time ass. Bravo, if you’re listening to me, make sure Nick Viall stays the hell away from our favorite franchise. We’re counting on you.