5 Sex Positions For When His Dick is Almost Too Big To Function Or Your Vagina Is Just Tiny

“Too much of something is bad enough.” —No, NOT Marilyn Monroe. This ancient group of philosophers who delivered such eloquent words were known as The Spice Girls. Sure, they might’ve lodged this mantra into my once pure 9-year-old brain during the opening credits of Spice World, but they could’ve been singing about too much candy or like, siblings for all I knew. Come to find out, they were just a bunch of horny teens who sang about sex 98% of the time, so it’s all come full circle and I’ve since been able to relate to such levels of hoe on a v spiritual level. Like for instance, too much penis is bad enough. When a guy is packing a fucking USS Battleship in his pants about to aim fire right at my cervix, TG I have the wise words of the Spice Girls to keep me grounded. “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends have a normal sized penis.” 

Think about it, if you’ve ever laid there helplessly after sex wondering if his dick actually just knocked on the door of your stomach lining, it’s that moment that you’ve probably also wondered if all those times your ex’s lack of girth would’ve been more enjoyable. Lol, jk that’s not a thing, because thankfully, it was the same group of philosophers who later sang in the next verse, that “too much of nothing is just as tough.” So answer me this: Would you rather find a quick fix for handling his Godzilla dong, or sit there and bitch about having no dick at all? I already know the answer to that, so lucky for you, I’ve Googled tried out a few positions that’ll help you fearlessly navigate his colossal peen.

Actual footage of me when my friends inform me they’ve just been annihilated by a Loch Ness dick (for research purposes):

1. Standing Doggy Style

Big dick or not, guys get so carried away in regular doggy style because they literally have ALL the control (never a good idea). When you’re standing, you have much more control and it won’t feel like his dick is trying to push a piece of meat that’s been lodged in your throat back out of your mouth. Here, you have more control to manage how deep you want him to enter by opening or closing your thighs. That’s called fucking strategy.

2. Reverse Girl On Top

This one can also be categorized in the lazy fuck “do the bare minimum” positions, so there’s a plus side already. Lie on top of him on your back so he enters you from behind. Unlike every other awkward angle, you’ll like that this one stops him from fully entering, but still hits all the right spots. In this position especially, lube will also become your bff. Spread some on your inner thighs to allow for much easier entry. Oh, and there’s no excuse for him NOT to finger your clit from this angle, unless he’s a fucking moron.

3. Thigh-High Straddle

Ever tried to get use out of your lower body while sitting cross-legged? That’s because you can’t. All you have to do is straddle him while he sits with his legs crossed on the bed. This will allow his thighs to automatically raise, which will support you making sure he doesn’t go too deep. Plus, girl on top = girl in control. You have the power to decide speed, force and all-around badassery. This will give you time to ease into his hefty hardware and show him what you’re really made of.

4. Standing TriPod

This one tends to be tricky, but if these were too easy for him, your insides would be torn to shreds by now. This one also helps with a lot of lube and/or foreplay (as should all sex), but all you need to do is stand facing each other and wrap one leg around his waist. Deep penetration is nearly impossible when you’re standing, so before you say anything, trust me—since he’s that big, you’ll def still feel him.

5. Side by Side Wrap-Around

One of the best ways to avoid his dick shredding your precious uterus to pieces is spooning. Yeah, yeah, it’s like, so Nicholas Sparks, but you can make it sexier than Virgin Mary love making if that’s your main concern here. If regular spooning sex doesn’t do much for you, try taking your leg and wrapping it around his body to allow you more control to set the pace. This will also allow more access to squeeze and resist your lower body for gradually deeper penetration. Any other questions?

READ: 8 Overrated Sex Positions We Can All Stop Pretending Are Enjoyable