As we all know by now, Kourtney Kardashian is dating Travis Barker, and on Wednesday, various tabloids reported that the Poosh founder and Blink-182 drummer got engaged over the weekend in Las Vegas. It’s the kind of shocking news that feels so wild it could actually be true, but I’m unconvinced.
In this case, the “evidence” of the engagement boils down to a couple of vaguely suggestive Instagram captions from Travis’ daughter and a hairstylist. I’m not saying Kourtney and Travis are definitely not engaged, but there’s a lot of guessing going on here. But whether or not the engagement turns out to be real, it’s clear that Kourtney and Travis are very into each other, given the fact that they’ve plastered their PDA all over social media.
While you’re still only putting your man on close friends stories after six months, Kourt has taken the opposite approach, reminding the world on a weekly basis that she and Travis are extremely horny for each other. And good for them! Contrary to what Sex/Life would have you believe, Kourtney seems to be living proof that being a mother with a sex drive won’t ruin your life. I’m happy for them, I really am, but it kind of feels like… a lot. I love love, but you know what I love even more? Two adults who can keep it in their pants for an evening in public.
Now that these two lovebirds may be headed down the aisle at some point, let’s take a little walk down the brief memory lane of their relationship. And by that, I mean let’s rank their posts from least to most egregious PDA.
6. The Risky Hand Placement
View this post on Instagram
This post kind of gives me grunge Bonnie and Clyde vibes, which is a great aesthetic for Travis and Kourt (minus the fact that Bonnie and Clyde got killed in a police ambush, but I digress). Travis’ hand positioning in each picture really feels like he wants to rip her clothes off, but thankfully for us, they stay within Instagram’s guidelines.
5. The Lap Sit
View this post on Instagram
Sitting in someone’s lap isn’t inherently suggestive — though mall Santas have always creeped me out — but Travis and Kourtney sort of took things to the next level here. Kourtney’s skirt/shorts/whatever have fully ridden up her thighs, and she’s holding Travis’ hand riiiiiight above her crotch. The first pic gives you the idea, but later in the carousel we actually get a closeup of the aforementioned crotch. Why was this necessary?
4. The Tat Shot
View this post on Instagram
Giving someone a tattoo may not officially count as PDA, but it’s certainly an intimate activity, and it shows a lot of trust given Kourtney isn’t remotely qualified to be doing this. Has the Health Department seen this?? The final product, a simple “i love you” scrawled over another existing tattoo, actually looks pretty good (not that I’m an expert). But this isn’t their only tattoo bond. Just a couple weeks later, Travis revealed that he got Kourtney’s name tattooed over his heart. I don’t need to remind Travis Barker that tattoos are permanent, but this just feels like too much for someone you’ve been dating for approximately seven months.
3. The Birthday Post
View this post on Instagram
Back in April, Travis marked Kourtney’s birthday with, what else, a photo of them making out. This isn’t revolutionary, but my main question here is about the body positions. Travis is sitting on the couch, but he’s holding Kourtney up in his arms. Why can’t she just sit on the couch while they make out? Idk, seems uncomfortable to me.
2. The Ass Carry (Clothed)
View this post on Instagram
This pose is reminiscent of every woman arriving to a date on The Bachelor when she hasn’t seen the lead in 18 hours. We don’t know for sure if Kourtney did the infamous Bachelor run-and-jump, but I’d like to imagine it that way. Travis’ forearms cupping Kourtney’s butt is a lot to take in, but I’m most curious about the recording studio setting here. Was Travis previewing a new song for Kourtney? Is Kourt dabbling in music? Did they have sex on the studio couch à la Insecure season one? I’d like more context, but I’m also grossed out, so I’m good without it tbh.
1. The Ass Carry (Less Clothed)
View this post on Instagram
When I first saw this picture, I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. The ass carry thing is enough to handle on its own, but Kourtney’s swimsuit is so tiny that I feel like Mark Zuckerberg is going to take this down at any moment. Also, it looks like they’re in the middle of the desert, so why is Kourtney wearing a bikini? Is there a body of water nearby? And who is taking this picture? I have many questions, but they can all be boiled down to “why?”
Images: Jeff Bottari/Zuffa LLC via Getty Images; kourtneydardash (4), travisbarker (2) / Instagram
Unless you met your significant other in high school, dating is really hard and anxiety-inducing for, like, every moment until you are officially in a relationship (and then that’s where the real work starts). Even God’s gift to humanity, Serena van der Woodsen, struggled on the dating scene, which is truly troubling for normal people. Yes, I am aware that SVDW is a fictional character, but even Blake Lively had to swim through a sea of Kelly Blatz’s and Penn Badgley’s before finding Ryan Reynolds. I guess the only upside to having no idea what is happening in my love life is that I have at least one thing in common with Blake Lively—kind of. Don’t ruin this for me.
So, I met someone a little over a month ago who checks all of my boxes, and even though my therapist and Hannah Montana both say nobody’s perfect, this guy is pretty damn close. Except for one thing: We don’t hang out more than like, once a week, which I didn’t realize was an issue until one of my happily married friends
forced her unsolicited opinion on me shared her concerns with me. Since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about where this relationship (can I even call it that?) is heading, if anywhere. Have I been so burned by former boyfriends that my bar is set unreasonably low, or am I so smitten that I can’t see an obvious red flag? So like any neurotic New Yorker, I took to the experts and consulted Dr. Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and author of How To Be Single and Happy, to make me feel better and debunk a few common misconceptions about dating.
If You Aren’t Hanging Out Multiple Times A Week Within The First Month, You’re Doomed
So this is obviously what initiated my
downward spiral line of questioning, and I was very eager to hear a professional’s opinion on the matter. Here’s what Dr. Taitz had to say: “It’s not about quantity; it’s about quality. If you’re seeing each other once a week and spending four or five hours on a Saturday actually talking about real things, rather than meeting up at like, midnight, it’s not a bad sign.” And, as much as I hate to admit that anyone aside from myself is right, she has a point. For instance, I used hang out with my FWB like three nights a week, which was both great and horrible. It was nice because we got to see a lot of each other, which is more than I can say about the current guy I’m seeing, but all FWB and I did together was the old school definition of Netflix and Chill and then the ~relationship~ just kind of shriveled up and died. Welp.
So this horrendous experience is shedding some light on my current situation: I have to (slightly) rely on positive and negative indicators for answers about his feelings for me or where he sees us going. As cliche as it is to admit, trusting your gut is usually the right thing to do, and I def knew that FWB wasn’t going to pan out. If he’s showing you zero signs of wanting to be your boyfriend at some point in the future, chances are, he won’t be.
If You Can’t Sleep At His Apartment, You’re Not Comfortable With Him
If there is something more intimate than sleeping next to someone, LMK. Honestly, I have been told I’m low-maintenance to sleep next to because I don’t really move or make sound other than quiet breathing, which is prob better than absolute silence (creepy). Anyway, even though I’m a pretty easy bedmate, I still get so insecure sleeping next to someone until I feel absolutely comfortable with him. For instance, Mr. Almost Perfect loves to snuggle, which is adorable and sweet, but after a few hours, half my body is numb and I need to switch positions, but I can’t because I don’t want to wake him up so I just lay there in agony waiting for him to roll over on his own. Look, I’ve had plenty of sleepovers with my girlfriends and if they unconsciously make their way onto my side, I have zero issue waking their asses up and delivering them back to their side. So why can’t I do that with a guy I’m seeing? Am I becoming a nice person who’s concerned about the wellbeing and restfulness of others? Doubtful, but Dr. Taitz says, “There are a lot of reasons why people can’t sleep. Sometimes people can’t sleep because they’re excited. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with physical or mental comfort.” As someone who can fall asleep literally anywhere, I was getting a little worried about what my restless nights in Bushwick (I know) might signal for my not-yet-relationship, but I feel a bit better now!
If You’re Affectionate Towards Each Other, The Relationship Is Just Physical
To clarify, I hate PDA more than I hate most things in this world. However, little things like holding my excessively clammy hand, putting your arm around me, or letting me have the first bite of whatever dessert we’re “sharing” make me happy. And in any given relationship, I am the affectionate one, which is totally fine with me, but Mr. Almost Perfect is also super warm and mushy, which is confusing to me! Is he being so touchy and sweet in response to me acting that way or is he just like that? Dr. Taitz says, “Touching is a good example of showing closeness, and being affectionate through touch is never a bad thing.” Generally, trust your gut. If it feels sweet and genuine, it probably is. Plus, there’s generally no sh*tty and disappointing meaning to an innocent hand hold.
However, if his hand always manages to find its way to your butt, well, hopefully you know what that means. Lastly, Dr. Taitz admits, “It’s really fascinating how our mind tries to undermine our joy and replace closeness with worry.” That’s literally what I am doing right now. Lastly, “You should ask yourself what you have in common besides the physical touch, because I’m sure if you want to touch someone, there’s something that’s attracting you well beyond the physical.” There is, there def is.
If You Don’t Like His Friends, You Eventually Won’t Like Him
Dr. Taitz says, “It’s safe to say he’s probably not a clone of his friends. We need to be okay with the element of uncertainty and not knowing everything we would want to know right away.” Hopefully, I’ll find out soon what the deal with his friends is, but people’s friends are not always a mirror reflection of who they are. I have a friend who knows more about what’s happening in Washington than Trump does, which honestly isn’t saying much, but he likes to bring politics into every conversation he has and it’s as annoying as it seems, if not more so. I have another friend who is like, an actual drama magnet, and seeing her is more exhausting than a SoulCycle class on a Sunday morning. But I love them and, needless to say, they aren’t shedding any negative light on my personality or self because they are the way they are, but more importantly, I am not them. Yes, sometimes “you are the company you keep” can ring true, but other times it just doesn’t—you can’t tell without getting to know the person.
If You Aren’t Texting All Day Every Day, The Communication Needs Work
Nothing bugs me more than when someone texts me “Hey, what’s up?” Like, are we supposed to have a full-fledged convo via text right now? The only reasons I text someone are when something very specific to that person just happened or if we making plans. Mr. Almost Perfect is the same way, so when we aren’t together, we aren’t really texting, like, ever. Every now and then we will say something stupid to check in and make sure the other is still alive, but we are definitely not those people who are constantly, like, tagging each other in vague memes and saying goodnight with kissy face emojis on the daily. No judgment if that’s your vibe, but gross. I kind of like it this way because I will never read into a text or lack thereof. Do you know how stressed out I used to get trying to decipher the convoluted and hidden messages buried in texts of past boyfriends? For instance, I texted a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks, “Let’s do something tonight” and he responded with “Do you want to?” Like, yes?? What kind of answer is that?! So the lack of constant texting actually takes a massive headache off the table. The only reason I am even discussing this is because after a dinner with a friend, she was shook that my boo thang didn’t call or text during the entire 75 minutes of dinner. I was not shook at all because I’ve had English Lit classes longer than that, but she thought it was so weird that she warned me to “watch out for this one.” Okay, mom, I shall. But Dr. Taitz says, “I highly recommend against texting all day because it can definitely create false feelings and a false sense of intimacy. If you are confident that when you see each other you will talk and catch up, you don’t need to have that insecure attachment to texting.” Brilliant.
The bottom line is that only you and the other person in the relationship are the ones who can take the temperature of the situation. So even if your friends have been in really similar situations, your friends and their SOs aren’t you and yours, so you can’t really listen to them. Of course, some things can seem like a red flag and others a green light, which makes the situation slightly easier to navigate, but until the “what are we?” conversation is had, the only thing we can do is know what we know, which is usually not enough to make any accurate predictions about where it’s going and what it all means.
Images: Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Being in a relationship is great. You always have a date to those events you dread going to, you don’t need to shave every other day, and the sex is (hopefully) consistent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you, but when you start shoving your tongues down each other’s throats during your morning commute on the subway, you make me want to throw up my breakfast. Here is a list of the most annoying things couples do so you and bae can stop grossing everyone out around you. (You might want to start with not calling them “bae”.)
1. Couple Names
Any name you call your significant other that is related to being a child or food honestly makes me gag at the thought. Pedophilia and sitophilia are two concepts that I cannot wrap my head around. If “Daddy” or “Baby Girl” are common names you and your boyfriend use, please stop. Associating your SO with a family member just gives me the creeps. These guys are definitely the ones who thought of their grandmother to get a boner, rather than to get rid of one. Ew. Similarly, “Muffin” or “Cupcake” legit just make me hungry, not attracted to you in any way. I have a name, use it.
2. Matching Outfits
Please. You aren’t like the Dahm twins who still dress the same or toddlers who get dressed in matching outfits by their mother. If you want to look like a couple rather than siblings, I suggest you forgo the matching outfits. Be your own person and pick out your own clothes. Stay away from this super annoying couple habit and coordinate your outfits by wearing complementary colors to look fab in your Instagrams rather than wearing the same thing. Unless looking like family is your thing, then I suggest you break up.
3. Sitting On The Same Side Of The Table
I think this could be the most annoying things couples do, period. Stop sitting on the same side of a table at the restaurant. A two-person table is meant for two people. A four-person table is meant for four people. So why would you take up a bigger table just so you could sit next to each other? This one boggles my mind. Don’t you want to look at each other rather than at strangers at the table next to you? This one also leads to another one of the most annoying things couples do in public…
4. Excessive PDA
You aren’t rabbits. You don’t need to f*ck 24/7, so keep your damn hands off each other. Unless you have some life-threatening illness and mere days left to live, you can risk not touching for the span of time it takes to get from one subway stop to the next. No, it isn’t because I am jealous that you are in a relationship that is more hot and steamy than mine. I just have more self control and public decency. If Jamie and Landon could refrain themselves from
basically f*cking in public engaging in excessive PDA in A Walk to Remember, so can you. If you can’t, stay home.
5. Feeding Each Other
Are you a baby? No. Are you capable of feeding yourself? You should be. So then do it yourself. The one time I fed my boyfriend a noodle from my plate at a restaurant, I physically shuddered and was disgusted with myself. Like, he’s a grown-ass adult, why would I ever do that? The thought of it still makes me embarrassed. If you want to Lady and the Tramp it in private, go for it, but please for the love of God, not in front of other people.
Images: Wesley Quinn / Unsplash; Gipgy (2)
This week the Betches discuss the Fyre Festival disaster and The Handmaid’s Tale. They answer questions from a listener who has never been kissed and another one who’s worried her boyfriend is too serious for her. They debut their new game “What Are Your Thoughts On”, and play Would You Rather and Shoot F*ck Marry.
Today’s episode is sponsored by Framebridge (Framebridge.com CODE: BETCHES)
Send your questions for ‘Dear Betch’ to [email protected]
How do I respond to an unsolicited dick pic? Find out here!