Have you all been watching The Challenge: Final Reckoning this season? The show is always insane, but this season the contestants are competing for a million dollars, which has caused everyone to lose the precious few brain cells they hadn’t already killed with alcohol and multiple concussions. It’s truly a delight to watch. We’re only three episodes in and two people have already been kicked off for fighting, there was one sensual application of sunscreen, and a rookie has made it clear he wants to smother the vets in their sleep he’s here to make moves.
Not only are the contestants literally coming for each other on the show, but they are also figuratively going for the jugular over Twitter. The lack of shame is simultaneously unbelievable, repulsive, and impressive. It’s like they don’t even care that they’re embarrassing their mothers. Now, I don’t use Twitter because it reveals human nature to be deeply disturbing. But, for all of you, I braved this internet cesspool to round up some of this week’s Challenge feuds. Pray for me.
Everybody Hates Natalie
I had to give Natalie her own category, because it seems like she’s pissing off everyone with a limited vocabulary and access to a keyboard.
Natalie and Shane are in a bit of a tiff because he called her out for being fake. WAIT. People on reality TV are fake?! You mean those aren’t Kylie’s real lips?! I am shook. To quote Shane on Natalie, “You are a user, user, user—sad pathetic, unable to handle criticism loser.” See what I mean about limited vocabulary? Also, it seems like he’s stealing his Twitter insults from someone who runs the free world and also needs his phone taken away from him, amirite? Ill-advised.
GUESS WHAT CAST MEMBER THIS IS ABOUT ???????????????????????????????? https://t.co/Gu44fVnnCQ
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
In retaliation, Natalie tweeted that she wasn’t being fake, she was just being nice. Shane came for that too.
Nat! You’re not nice to people you want to slap, you’re rude and ignore them-u act like they’re bullies and u use sympathy and whining to validate yourself. No one thinks your kindness is fake. Your nonstop whining and crying about being “shamed” and “harrassed” is. ???????? Over it pic.twitter.com/tKthdJEM3a
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
And finally, Natalie had enough of everyone’s favorite hair-plug truther and blocked Shane like I do to Bank of America everytime they call to remind me to pay my bill.
OMG SOMEONE CALL THE WAHMBULANCE – ???????????? waaahhhhh waaahhhhhhh waHhhhh I promise you if I kissed her ass non-stop or she could USE me (ie had more followers than her) she would have taken it all with an oh you. You don’t deserve my friendship snowFAKE pic.twitter.com/HeBRarcki5
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
Then Cara jumped into the fray because Natalie drove to her house, put a gun to her head, and forced her to defend her honor.
The problem is – is that I did like her. And actually have given her many more chances then she’s ever given me to be a real fucking human being deserving of my friendship. News flash – she’s undeserving. Now It’s about exposing the non-stop lies/fakery https://t.co/Fd5E63Y0F6
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
Nah, just kidding, I think she just can’t resist not being talked about. So, in summation, Shane’s major problem is that Natalie is fake, and my major problem is that I have yet to attain the level of pettiness that Shane maintains. God bless.
Zach also took a shot at Natalie this week, after she lost her second elimination of the season. FYI THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO ELIMINATIONS THIS SEASON. And yet, Paulie and Natalie remain on the show like the cockroaches that will rule the world when we are all blown up in a nuclear war.
Zach here is how you spell challenge… Give me a C give me an H give me an A give me an L give me an L give me an E give me an N give me a G give me an E… what does that spell?!!! …. Challenge. I’m proud of you ✅
— Natalia Negrotti (@NataliaNegrotti) August 1, 2018
Our bud Zach over here is playing with fire, throwing out insults without running the spell check first. He deserves this clapback from Natalie. Never go against a former cheerleader when spelling simple words is on the line.
Kyle vs. Britni
Britni and Chuck didn’t even make it into the Challenge house this season because she let him die a slow death suffocating in a coffin buried in the beautiful South African earth. Actually, they just sucked at the challenge—that’s just an idea for you there, Britni. But, it seems in the 30 seconds they spent on the show together, Kyle decided that Chuck was a pretty cool dude and he couldn’t wait to see him on the next challenge. Hey, I can certainly decide I hate someone in 30 seconds, so who am I to judge?
Kyle don’t make me put you on my list of people to send booking next season. You know I’m only getting stronger ????????
— Britni Nicol MTV (@BritniNicol) August 1, 2018
Naturally, this pissed Britni off, because one season of twerking on her ex is more than enough for her. It seems Kyle has made a new enemy, so he better watch out, or next season Britni is coming for him. Well, once she figures out how to put on pants. But then he’s really screwed!!
Paulie vs. Chuck’s Girlfriend
I saved the best for last. As we saw in this week’s episode, Paulie told Brad that Chuck and Britni hooked up, just like he told them he would. This reminds me of when I was in college and my best friend would announce that we were ordering pizza that night before we had even started drinking. Just too damn excited about the secret plan to keep your mouth shut for a second. Be cool!
Brad wasn’t the only one pissed about this revelation. It didn’t seem to sit well with Chuck’s girlfriend at home either.
Is it really tho?? I’m @MTV_Chuckalodon girlfriend. Clearly you give no fucks but just so you know deep inside, you single handedly caused me to have one of the worst weeks of my entire life while he was gone filming & your cute little lie spread to my inbox. ???????? @ChallengeMTV
— Miss_TaylorDawn (@miss_taylordawn) August 1, 2018
Oh, honey! I’m so sorry you had a hard week. I hope you made it through! If I had known I would have brought you a bottle of wine and a refreshing slap to the face. Luckily for you, Taylor, your boyfriend didn’t make it past the first challenge. So now he’s back and you can rest easy knowing that he’s definitely not cheating on you at all at home. For sure. He’s like SO faithful. Definitely doesn’t have multiple side pieces. A true gem! Enjoy your week!
And that’s what’s been going on on Twitter this week. I’m going to go wash my brain out with drain cleaner now. And you all should be sure to catch Marie’s savage recaps before next episode!
Images: shannanity (4), natalianegrotti, britninicole, miss_taylordawn/Twitter
I’ve always had a hard time remembering that reality stars don’t live in their own little world on my TV, ready and willing to embarrass themselves at the touch of my on-demand button. They are, in fact, real people out there bringing shame to their family name by blacking out, crapping their pants, and hooking up with inappropriate partners on national television. Now, instead of just sliding into the orifices DMs of former castmates of their own show *cough* Colton *cough*, many reality stars are branching out and swapping STDs with cast members of other reality shows. It’s like a Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode, except no one here is smart enough to be a doctor. If this is modern love, you can just send me straight to hell right now.
This all came to my attention last week when Nick Viall’s most suspiciously low-key Danielle, Danielle M, was cheated on by her boyfriend Paulie Calafiore from Big Brother with Cara Maria from The Challenge. Mind. Blown. We’ll get back to them in a minute. This relationship inspired me to take a look at what other reality stars are crossing the boundaries of their own shows and have hooked up with your favorite reality stars from other shows. This is a tangled web they’re all weaving, so settle in while I make a sad attempt to unravel this jumble of abandoned DNA and lies.
Danielle M/Paulie Calafiore/Cara Maria
First, I’d be remiss if I did not mention the multitude of adult men on reality TV named Pauly/ie. I’m now suspicious of grown men with this name. I’m not saying that means they are all going to be immature man-babies, but I’m not not saying that, you know?
So apparently this Paulie is from Big Brother, which I have never seen. I have enough of a reminder that big brother is watching me every single day when my deepest darkest thoughts that I’ve never confessed to a soul appear as an ad on my Instagram feed. But, I do know Paulie from the absolute dumpster fire that is Ex On The Beach, where it was revealed that he previously cheated on his girlfriend Lexi. What a charmer. Apparently Paulie has been dating Danielle M since January, and then was cast on The Challenge: The Final Reckoning, where he met Cara Maria and immediately lost all sense of human decency. He recently went on a Twitter rant claiming “For now I can’t be monogamous to one person, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work, I love women, I have a lot of female friends and sometimes I fall for multiple at a time for different reasons whether it’s the sex or the energy shared between the two of us. I try to be faithful but I can’t.” Paulie. You’re fucking canceled.
Cory Wharton From The Challenge And Multiple Ladies Of Are You The One?
In this big, scary world that’s always changing, there is one thing we can always count on: if it walks and it talks, Cory Wharton will stick his dick in it. Not only has Cory hooked up with many ladies on his own show, The Challenge, but now he’s working his way through the castmates of Are You The One? like he’ll get a free T-shirt if he bones them all. I hope they have his size left when he’s done!
When Cory appeared on The Challenge: Vendettas last season, he brought along his new girlfriend, Alicia from Are You The One?. This all happened after Cory revealed that he had a baby, Ryder, with Cheyenne Floyd, also from Are You The One?. Cory’s Instagram is private because he’s safer about social media than he is about sex, so unfortunately we don’t have many pictures of him being a great dad. Sad!
But wait, the plot thickens. Cory showed up on Ex On The Beach, revealing that he and Alicia broke up—but don’t fret, because he quickly found comfort in Taylor’s vagina. When I last watched Ex On The Beach, Cory was debating going back to Alicia, and I guess we’ll never know what happens because I deleted that trash show from my DVR when I realized I was not a prisoner of war and didn’t actually have to be subjected to torture. If you’re still subjecting yourself to the on-screen version of waterboarding, hit me up in the comments and let me know how this one turns out for Cory.
Shep Rose/Stacy London/Jaclyn Shuman
Do you all watch Southern Charm? I recently discovered how great it is after years of endlessly mocking the friend that one time had the gall to say I should try it. Sorry for damaging your emotional wellbeing for no reason, Nita! Send me a bill for your therapy sessions, and I will gladly take a look at it before I throw it in the trash. Anyway, Southern Charm is great. There’s gorgeous real estate, convicted felons who think they should run for national office, and Patricia, Queen of the South. And, of course, there is the real life Peter Pan without tights, Shep Rose. I’ve only watched the first two seasons, but boy do I have a crush on Shep circa 2016. If he has a girlfriend now, keep your damn mouth shut and let me have my dream.
Our boy Shep has had a few inter-show relationships, including one with Stacy London from What Not To Wear, aka my own personal Jesus. Cameran Eubanks claimed that Shep and Stacy made out in a bathroom, and while I may not support the location of this hookup because of germs, I fully support this duo. Stacy knows how to dress for her body, and she should go out there and get it. If only this relationship had lasted, I would maybe be willing to let go of my beloved Shep. But ONLY for Stacy.
Shep has also apparently hooked up with Jaclyn Shuman, a second-tier castmate on the poor man’s Vanderpump Rules, Summer House. All I really remember about Jaclyn is that she was a “fit model” which basically means her face isn’t weird enough to be an actual model but she’s starved herself to a point where they’ve rewarded her with a job. Next time at least save it for a Wirkus twin, Sheppie. They get top billing.
Well, that was exhausting and I’m just writing about these hookups. I can only imagine how tiring it all is for Cory. If you all know any other reality star relationships that I can stalk during work hours on my lunch break, do tell!
Images: Giphy (2); @relationshep/instagram