7 Shady Politicians Who Will Stan Trump No Matter What

Right now, Donald Trump’s losing friends faster than Lindsay Lohan near the end of Mean Girls, and it’s enough to make you wonder… could Trump actually get impeached soon? Yeah right, b*tch, it’s not gonna be that easy. Trump’s biggest enablers in Congress are ride or die with their boy Donny, and they’ve still got his back, criminal allegations be damned.

On Tuesday, Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pled guilty to criminal charges. (Gasp!) Then, he told the court that, during the election, Trump had directed him to make illegal payments to two women with whom he’d been having affairs to keep them quiet. (Double gasp! But also, like, duh?) The whole reason we’ve got multiple branches of government is so that they can keep each other in check, and yet, not surprisingly, the response from many Congressional Republicans was a resounding “meh.” Let’s give these enabling assh*les their moment in the spotlight.

1. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

The demon turtle strikes again. The most recent example of McConnell’s awfulness? When asked if he was going to do anything about Michael Cohen’s allegations that the president directed him to make payments to hide his affairs during the election, the Senate Majority Leader said he was too busy trying to confirm Trump’s Supreme Court nomination. Cool cool, cause we should definitely be letting the president make a lifelong court appointment right now. (Casual reminder that McConnell stole Merrick Garland’s Supreme Court seat.)

2. Paul Ryan (R-WI)

This Boy Scout gone wrong makes a lot of pretty speeches, but when it’s time for him to actually do anything to stand up to Trump, he’s all, “Oops sorry lol I don’t have enough information.” No surprise that he pulled the same old sh*t when asked about holding hearings on the Cohen testimony.

3. Roy Blunt (R-MO)

His last name makes him sound like he should be cool, but he’s not. Most recently, he buried a bipartisan bill that aimed to stop election interference, potentially because the White House didn’t like it. That move is not at all true to the spirit of blunts, Roy.

4. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA)

Another man with a great last name and a terrible heart. Goodlatte wrote a very Trumpian immigration bill, and ruined FBI agent Peter Strzok’s career after Strzok’s private Burn Book/anti-Trump texts came to light. Goodlatte sucks so much that his own SON publicly donated to the Democrat running against him. You go, Goodlatte Jr!

5. Devin Nunes (R-CA)

This former milk-farmer is totally Trump’s Gretchen Wieners. He’s been doing everything in his power to screw up the Russia investigation, and recently, he was caught on tape telling GOP donors that Republicans had to keep their majority to protect Trump from impeachment. Not fetch, Nunes. Not fetch at all.

6. Mark Meadows (R-NC)

This Freedom Caucus hardliner co-proposed a bill to impeach Rod Rosenstein (aka the guy who appointed Robert Mueller). Also, apparently he and Trump chat on the phone multiple times a week. Aww! And if these two were ever going to do a three-way call, they’d totally add…

7. Jim Jordan (R-OH)

He’s the other Freedom Caucus member who proposed the Rosenstein impeachment bill. Jordan gets bonus “terrible person” points for allegedly helping to cover up sexual abuse when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State University. Trump’s called Jordan a “warrior for me,” and Jordan probably whispers that praise to himself every night before he goes to sleep.

How TF Do We Get Rid Of These A-Holes?

 

At this point, Trump could probably kill a kitten and run down the street yelling, “I AM SATAN’S MISTRESS,” and these guys would still find a way to excuse it. So what can you do about it? Register to vote, and make that blue wave happen in the midterms.

>>Click Here To Get Registered<<

 

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We Have Definitive Proof That Congress Is Just A Frat House

Isn’t every frat bro’s worst nightmare graduating and leaving the glory days behind? Well, they’re in luck because they can just run for the House of Representative and spend the night with their legislative brothers. Yes, you heard me right. Congressmen sleeping in their offices, essentially getting free housing and not paying taxes on their place of residence, all while cutting government funding programs, is apparently a thing. It’s a elected official’s fuckboy’s wet dream, really. 

WTF Is Going On?

If a building has Greek columns on it, it’s automatically a frat house, right? It seems that somewhere between 50-75 elected officials (mostly men, because duh) have chosen to essentially live at their offices. This means they are receiving all of the bennies, such as free cable, free security, and free utilities during non-office hours. Fyi, it’s potentially a violation of an ethics code that prohibits official resources from being used for personal use, so there’s that. It’s also like, really gross. Like, go stink up your own home with your morning breath, Paul Ryan.

Remind Me Why I Care?

Thirty GDI members from the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) have decided the party is over and wrote a letter to the Dean of Congress, aka the House Ethics Committee. They stated that not only is it unprofessional and unsanitary, but also a misuse of government funds to live for free in the office. The CBC is on a mission to take down frat row and prohibit any lawmaker from using their office as a home too. Some women and Democrats are also partaking in the frat life, but most are also pissed and grossed out by it all. Another reason for this happening is that members are already on probation for certain bros dealing with sexual misconduct accusations. Again with the frat house similarities.

Who Wants To Live In An Office?

Members have been doing this for years and in the past have been praised for how frugal they are for couch surfing. Most members are in DC for less than 150 days a year, so paying $2,000 in rent just seems like throwing away money. In fact, members have been passed over for a pay promotion for seven years in a row now. It’s almost like they aren’t making good enough grades for Greek life to give them more funding. The office life isn’t so bad though. There is a cleaning service, en-suite bathroom, mini fridge, and microwave ready to go, exactly like my freshman year dorm. The idea of laws being made in an environment similar to my dorm life is legit terrifying.

It doesn’t seem like the House Ethics Committee is in a hurry to do anything about this, seeing as it’s been two months since they received the letter of complaint. Looks like Greek life is on for lawmakers at the White House. Rush Congress 2018! It’s not four years, it’s for life until Trump fires you.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Giphy (3)

SOTU Recap: The State Of Our Union Is Whatev

The State of the Union was last night and over 33 million people tuned in to hear our president speak. As with anything Trump-related, the big question of the night was, “Will he do something totally fucking crazy?” and the answer, fortunately, was no. I mean, as long as you’re not counting the fact that a thrice-divorced reality TV star who has sex with porn stars and eats McDonalds in bed is the president, it was all p. normal.

The event started at 9pm and lasted over and hour and twenty minutes (RIP to all those who died while playing our SOTU drinking game – your contributions to the War On Sobriety will not be forgotten) so for those of you who turned it off at the 40 minute mark, here’s everything you need to know to pretend you’re an engaged citizen

The Hype Portion

The craziest part of the night came two seconds in, when some rando announced the President of the United States, and Donald Trump came out.

RANDO: Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!

ME: I am not drunk enough for this.

Lol Paul Ryan had one line tonight and he blew it. You know what they say – being the most unpopular politician in America is a 24/7 job.

Trump starts out the speech employing a tactic that I often use at work meetings: shouting out people who are good at their job to deflect how bad you are at your own. He shouted out Coast Guard officers that helped with hurricane relief, firefighters, and Congressman Steve Scalise – aka the Congressman who was shot by a rogue crazy during a bipartisan Congressional baseball game. Hard not to get applause on any of these.

TRUMP: A new tide of optimism is sweeping across our land…

ME:

 

We got a “Make America Great Again” within the first 5 minutes, meaning that was when I took my first shot. Casual reminder the speech was an hour and twenty minutes long.

TRUMP: …Melania is here

MELANIA (in Slovenian): Keep my name outcha mouth.

TBH every time they cut to Melania she appears to hate him more. Like this is the exact face I make when my boyfriend says some dumb shit in public that I can’t wait to roast him for when we get home:


ME every time the first lady is on screen:
Girl, blink twice if you need help. Blink three times if you need edibles. I gotchu on both.

Okay can Paul Ryan maybe lean over and tell the president to stop clapping so loudly into the mic? Also to stop clapping *for himself*? You’re a reality star dude, you should actually know this stuff.

The look on the Congressional Black Cacus’ faces when Trump shouted out the African American unemployment rate is literally a renewable energy source. Like, it could fuel the Earth for the next 100 years.


TRUMP:
African American unemployment…amiright?

CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CACUS:

Trump shouts out the tax cuts and the Republicans in the house start going crazy like they’re frat bros who just won a low-stakes game of beer pong.

TRUMP: Tax Cuts

REPUBLICANS:

Omg Preston

 

The best part of the night, obviously, was the introduction of Preston, a 12-year-old boy who everyone low-key thought was Barron until we saw him close up.

ME: Wait, but where *is* Barron tho?

TRUMP: Here tonight is Preston Sharp, a 12-year-old boy from Redding California who noticed that veterans’ graves were not marked with flags on Veterans Day. He decided to change that and started a movement that has now placed 40,000 flags at the graves of our great heroes. Preston” a job well done.

ME: …so like can Preston be president then?

The Real Shit

Ah, we’re at the part of the night where he’s going to talk about his policy proposals. *takes three shots in anticipation*

TRUMP: We have ended the war on beautiful clean coal!
AMERICA:

TRUMP: Let’s make prescription drugs cheaper for all!
TRUMP 10 minutes later: Let’s make it harder for people to get addicted to prescription drugs!!!!!

Every time they cut to Ted Cruz clapping I think about how Trump straight up called his wife ugly and accused his dad of killing JFK, but like now they’re cool because tax cuts.

I wish I loved anything the way Republicans love tax cuts, TBH. I’d have a much richer (literally) life.

Did anybody else notice that every time Trump got applause he turned to Paul Ryan, who would whisper “good job” or some shit? It’s like he’s a child at a recital whose surprised everyone by not peeing himself yet.

“Trade relationships should be RECIPROCAL!” – Donald Trump, a man who has 100% never reciprocated oral in his life.

TRUMP: Tonight I am calling on Congress to produce a bill that generates at least $1.5 trillion for new infrastructure investment we need.
EVERYONE: Wait hmm that actually sounds like a good idea.
ME: omg omg does this mean he’s going to fix the Subway???

What the actual proposal is: The Trump Administration wants to put $1.5 trillion into infrastructure (aka streets and transportation and shit), and would include Congress redirecting $200 billion of federal funds to Amtrak and transit programs over the next 10 years, while also looking for hundreds of millions more from cities, states, and the private sector.

The pros: America actually really needs this – half of our mass transit systems have gotten a ‘D’ or more and that also includes schools, roads, and drinking water systems. A ‘D’ might be okay for passing your freshman math requirement – it’s not so great when we’re talking about drinking water.

The cons: It’s hard to see how we can actually pay for this with the tax cut and Trump’s whole obsession with building a wall. Also, public-private sector partnerships like the one being proposed here tend to work better in urban areas.

Immigration

Aaaaaand it’s crazy time. Shout out to all my bad hombres out there – it’s time to chug your drinks.

Trump spend the first half of his immigration talk shouting out families in the audience who were the victims of violent crimes by immigrants. He’s like a racist DJ Khaled.

*Family of fallen teenager senselessly lost to gang violence stands for applause*
TRUMP: 

Casual reminder that there is literally no political party who says it’s cool for MS-13 gang members to come into the country. Sadly feel like it’s necessary to point that out right now. Also, if you’re mad about gang violence, wait til you hear about gun violence – it’s like gang violence’s older, meaner cousin.

TRUMP: and here we have Special Agent Celestino Martinez. He goes by DJ. Or CJ. He said I can call him both. I’m going to call him CJ.
ME: Who the f goes by both CJ and DJ?

TRUMP: The first pillar of our framework offers a path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegal immigrants who were brought here by their parents at a young age…
DEMOCRATS: Omg yay!
TRUMP: …AND IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS DREAMERS, OUR SECOND PILLAR REQUIRES THE BLOOD OF EVERY FIRST BORN MEXICAN BABY
DEMS: Wait, what?
TRUMP: THIS IS GENEROUS!!!!!

What the actual proposal is: The White House proposal backs a 12-year path to citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers, in exchange for yuuuuuge changes to the legal immigration system, and $25 billion for the border wall.

The pros: I mean, citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers is pretty legit.
The cons: First of all, pretty sure Mexico was supposed to pay for the wall. Second of all, the changes proposed would restrict legal immigration to the lowest levels since the 1920s. It prevents people from sponsoring parents, adult children, or siblings for U.S. citizenship and ends the diversity visa lottery in favor of a merit-based replacement. In Trump terms, this basically means less people from so-called ‘shithole’ countries, and more white people “skilled workers”.

TRUMP: We want to put an end to chain migration
DEMOCRATS: Boo!
ME: WOOOOORRRRRLLLLLDDDSTAR

Seriously, you could see in that moment when Trump got booed that he was like, about to lose it. Is it weird that I’m low-key proud of him for not immediately going rogue, cursing out Chuck Shumer and throwing burger patties into the crowd? Baby steps…

Mood At this Point: 

 

North Korea

Told; North Korea is bad. No new info here. The President didn’t call Kim Jong Un fat or anything which is good.

TRUMP: I’d like to introduce you to Ji Seong-Ho, who bravely escaped North Korea, on crutches, with one leg. He now has a new leg, though I hear he still keeps his old —
ME (drunk): LEG!?? OMG DOES HE KEEP THE LEG?!?
TRUMP: Crutches
ME: Oh that…makes a lot more sense

The Big Finale

TRUMP: Atop the dome of the capital stands the Statue of Freedom. She stands tall and dignified among the monuments…monuments to Washington and Jefferson…and freedom stands tall over one more monument: This Capitol. This living monument…
ME: Say monument again.

Trump: Thank you and God Bless America
Me: Omg. We did it. We survived.

Only three more of these to go. Unless – IDK – the president is removed from office for some crazy reason.

Accurate Depiction Of Me For The Rest Of The Trump Presidency:

 Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

This Rumor About Paul Ryan Is The Best Thing We’ve Heard All Year

As a wise and noble prophet once said, “Middle fingers up, put them hands high, wave it in his face, tell him boy, bye.”

According to reports, Paul Ryan told his “closest confidants” that 2018 might be his last year serving as Speaker of the House. Lol cya wouldn’t wanna be ya. Also dude, you need better friends. If your absolute closest confidants are willing to sell out your secrets the second a reporter knocks on their door, imagine how bad this could get if they accidentally leak some nudes we don’t know about or let it slip that you made out with a hot dog.

Politico interviewed three dozen of Paul’s coworkers, aides, and friends, and literally not a single one of them said they believed Ryan would stay in Congress past 2018. I mean, duh. Who would want to be the leader of the most volatile combat arena since McGregor/Mayweather? Those Congressmen and women get petty af and thinking about being the punchable face to blame every major decision on gives me hives.

As Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan has been known for, quite frankly, lacking a spine or a moral compass, or a hairline that makes him look like something other than a cartoon vampire. Republicans and Democrats both think he sucks – Democrats because they think he’s too conservative, and Republicans because they think he’s not conservative enough. Damn, that’s so rough I almost feel sorry for him. Oh wait, no I don’t, because he wants to cut benefits and scale back Medicaid and healthcare for the poor and middle class. Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by Paul Ryan.

Ryan’s main obsession lately has been the controversial tax bill, which he has been trying to pass since the day he came out of the womb. After the first version of the bill passed in the House and Senate, DJ Pauly R got understandably cocky that the government was well on its way to completely passing his tax overhaul plan. The speculation of his retirement comes with the assumption that if Ryan’s tax bill does actually make it to Trump’s desk before Christmas, he’s definitely trying to peace the fuck out while he still looks successful. I respect this, not as someone who is objectively looking at the integrity and tenacity of a lawmaker, but as someone who also likes to leave every room on a high note before people realize I basically wing everything on the spot.

It’s not a done deal, though, and now that some Republicans are starting to express doubt about the bill, Ryan might end up getting stuck in his Groundhog Day loop for a few more years, repeatedly squawking “lower taxes for the rich” until his little pointy head explodes. At a press conference Thursday morning, Paul tossed a quick “no” over his shoulder when asked if he was planning on leaving soon. How revealing, how eloquent. That’s also not what three dozen of your closest friends seem to think, but it’s ok, you’ll get there.

Actual footage of Paul Ryan leaving the press conference:

Presumably, Ryan also wants to try to distance himself from anything to do with Trump. He accepted one too many late night booty tweets, and got a little too chummy with Trump, which has been a major contributing factor to some of the criticism surrounding him. Plus, the Speaker of the House is second in line if both the President and Vice President get impeached or removed from office, which probably wakes Paul from his upside down cave slumber in a cold sweat every night because, honestly, it’s not too crazy of a possibility at this point.

Of course, this is all just a rumor as of right now, and Ryan may decide to stick around and toss some more matches onto the garbage fire in Washington for a few more years, seeing that he gets re-elected in the 2018 midterms. I hope he does take retiring seriously, not only because I’d love to see him slither as far away from any Congressional influence as humanly possible, but also because then he can spend his free time doing what he loves – living in Wisconsin with his family and getting swole. Obviously.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Need To Know About The Obamacare Replacement, Explained In Gifs

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After seven years of near constant bitching from the right, the Obamacare replacement is finally here and it’s…extra. As in, “extra shitty to poor people.” The new proposal is called the American Health Care (creative) and is basically a Paul Ryan wet dream that is boring AF to read. Like, seriously, we do not need 100+ pages of legalese to let us know that you don’t want poor people to be able to go to the doctor. We know that shit already. It’s pretty fucking obvious. So if you, like basically anyone with a life, do not have time to parse through Paul Ryan’s tax cut erotica, then lucky you because Betches is here to explain to you all the ways in which the GOP are going to totally fuck up your healthcare. You’re welcome. And what better way to explain the extremely complex and nuanced American healthcare system than with constantly looping images from your favorite movies and reality TV shows. That’s right—GIFs!

Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying.

Nick Viall crying

According to Paul “I Will Never Live Down The Fitness Photoshoot I Did In 2012 No Matter How Much I Try To Distract You By Taking Healthcare Away” Ryan, The American Health Care Act will “drive down costs, encourage competition, and give every American access to quality, affordable health insurance.”

Okay. Well that sounds good. But is it like…true?

nicki minaj hell no

I mean, of course it’s not fucking true. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Ryan plan would lead to “lost coverage for millions and higher costs for millions more.” Because having millions of uninsured Americans without access to adequate health services without Obamacare, is wayyyyy better than having millions of insured Americans going to the doctor regularly under Obamacare.

The bill also defunds Planned Parenthood, because of course it does. The proposal would make it illegal for federal funding, either directly or indirectly through Medicaid, to go to a healthcare organization that “provides for abortions” other than those done in the case of rape, incest, or to save the life of the mother. While the bill never actually says “Planned Parenthood” by name, the whole thing is basically one long subtweet against the organization. It’s like, guys Planned Parenthood totally knows you’re talking about them. No need to be fake about it. 

kim kardashian so shady

The bill also basically shuts down private health insurance from covering abortions, meaning that you better start asking all your one night stands to Venmo you half the price of an abobo before you even think about hooking up because your health insurance is not going to be able to help you if shit goes south.

rihanna BBHMM

The bill also repeals the individual and employer mandates stating that every American must have health insurance. This means that individuals can drop their coverage right now, which, according to Aetna’s chairman Mark Bertolini, would send the market into a “death spiral” in which healthy customers would drop their coverage, leaving sick people who need insurance to pay ever-increasing rates.

scott pilgrim prepare to die

The AHCA also repeals the essential benefits rule, which stated that health plans must provide hospitalization, mental health services, maternity coverage and other benefits. These benefits would now be decided on a state by state basis. Meaning that women who live in the liberal bubble (aka NYC) would probably get to keep their maternity leave coverage, while people who live somewhere random, like Delaware, might be SOL.

wayne's world i'm in delaware

And if you’re thinking, “Well none of this applies to me because i’m young AF and never gonna die,” think again because the bill also replaces income-based premiums with age-based subsidies, meaning that you will be paying more to go to the doctor the younger (and hotter) you are.

full house how rude

And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, the bill also kills the Medicaid expansion, and all Obamacare related taxes.

TLDR: The rich are getting a $346 billion dollar tax cut over the next ten years, and the poor will literally all be dead by then, which is kind of what the GOP has always wanted anyway.

archer win win

Like I said at the beginning, if we weren’t laughing at funny GIFs, we’d be crying at the skyrocketing price of Mee-maw’s annual hip replacement.

More bad news: Trump Will Let Planned Parenthood Keep Its Funding Under One Shitty Condition