In case you were just out yesterday living your best news-free life in the last few weeks of summer, allow us to update you on the Kardashian-level drama that dropped in on the White House. Two people very close to Trump and supporting actors in the soap opera that is our country, Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, are now facing prison time. This means Trump should be nervous as hell right now and we should all break out the popcorn.
First, in Virginia, we’ve got Manafort. Trump’s former campaign manager was found guilty yesterday of tax evasion and bank fraud. Minutes after, in New York, Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to tax evasion and campaign finance violations. To add a cherry on top, Cohen admitted he made all those unlawful contributions (specifically to silence women who `had criminally hot-goss on Trump) “at the direction of a political candidate.” Who could this candidate be, I wonder?
What does all this actually mean for our president? His personal lawyer pleaded guilty and his campaign manager was convicted. I’m not a detective, but this isn’t a great look. Besides just the fact that people incredibly close to him were breaking the law, this is the first time Trump has been attached to anything potentially criminal as president. Before yesterday, the investigation into Russian interference with our election was focused on people on the edges of Trump. Cohen’s confession that he was following the orders of the president by using campaign finances to pay off a porn star and a former playboy model now paves a clear path to actually implicating Trump.
Regardless of how the president tries to frame all of this on his Twitter or at his rallies, referring to Manafort as a “good man” and calling the investigation a McCarthyism throwback “witch hunt,” Cohen’s guilty plea and Manafort’s conviction mean Trump is walking on some seriously shady eggshells right now. Elizabeth Warren, Massachusetts senator and possible 2020 candidate, released an anti-corruption platform Tuesday. She added that the era of Trump “has given us the most nakedly corrupt leadership this nation has seen in our lifetimes.”
If we’ve learned anything about Trump so far, though, we know he was born without a sense of shame and he’s not afraid to fight back when it’s clear to everyone (ok, just the majority of the country) that he’s wrong. The next step could possibly be pardoning Manafort or revoking more security clearances, but his behavior has been unpredictable so far. The good news is, yesterday led us closer than ever to the truth. In a time when facts are alternative, the undeniable evidence in these cases with tapes, recordings, and documents are key. Don’t pop the champagne yet, but maybe put it on ice.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Gotta love perks, am I right? Some people get free coffee at the office, others bring their puppies to work. And if you’re a shady Trump associate awaiting trial, you don’t have to give up your little luxuries! Here are 5 insane perks Paul Manafort’s getting in prison.
In case you forgot who Manafort is, he’s the definitely-guilty dirtbag/former Trump campaign chair currently facing a whole host of charges thanks to the Robert Mueller investigation. Money laundering? Paul probably did it! Tax fraud? You betcha! Conspiracy against the United States? Add it to the freaking list! Also, according to a profile in The Atlantic, Manafort rented his mistress a $9,000/a month apartment in Manhattan, and that tells you everything you need to know about him.
Anyways, Manafort was on house arrest until he screwed it up by witness tampering and got moved to Northern Neck Jail in Virginia. But a Wednesday court filing revealed that his new digs have actually been pretty sweet. Even Manafort agrees. In a recorded phone call from jail, he said he was being treated like a “VIP.” Here are some of the ways…
1. He Doesn’t Have To Wear A Uniform
A fashionista like Paul can’t be constrained by a jumpsuit! It just wouldn’t flatter his figure!
2. His Own Workspace
Apparently, Manafort gets to prepare for his upcoming trial in a private workspace. Because lying is hard and he needs to CONCENTRATE.
3. His Own Living Unit
Forget what you see on Orange Is The New Black. According to the filing, Manafort has been staying in a “private, self-contained living unit which is larger than other inmates’ units” (and also probably larger than my NYC apartment?). Cool cool cool.
4. A Private Telephone
No waiting in a long phone line for Manafort! Unfortunately, though, he does not have a $43,000 soundproof phone booth like other ethically-compromised Trump associate Scott Pruitt. Strange, all these bad people around Trump… It’s almost like — and bear with me here, even though it might sound a little crazy – the president is a shitty person?
5. A Private Bathroom
Man, I don’t even have a bathroom to myself, but Manafort gets his own shower facility. Maybe I should get myself thrown in jail. Oh wait, it only works if you’re a rich, notorious white man? *Slowly puts down the $1,000-worth of beauty products I’d been planning to shoplift from Sephora.*
Now, though, a bad-ass judge is ordering that Manafort be moved to a different jail. Fingers crossed it happens, and that they put Manafort in the baggiest jumpsuit they’ve got.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Welcome to another riveting episode of “Someone Who Worked On the Trump Campaign is a Shady Asshole.” We seem to be having a lot of episodes lately. Like, this show will eventually make for a very juicy binge session when it eventually ends up on Netflix. This week’s episode stars Paul Manafort: Former Trump campaign manager/guy who would probably be a DILF if he wasn’t such a massive pile of steaming dog shit. For more examples of the latter, see: House Speaker Paul Ryan.
So let’s start with what you hopefully already know: Paul Manafort was Trump’s campaign chairman – aka half the reason we’re in this living hell. Well, he and most of the Midwest are the reason. Shoutout to my Aunt Mary Sue in Indiana!
Anyways, Manafort was indicted Monday on charges that he “funneled millions of dollars through overseas shell companies and used the money to buy luxury cars, real estate, antiques and expensive suits.” So this guy is like, a living plotline from Scandal. This indictment comes from special counsel Robert Mueller (Bueller? Bueller?), whose job is to investigate whether anyone in Trump’s army of assholes worked with Russia to fuck up the American election. Spoiler alert: They did.
But, like, it would take 10 articles to explain all the various Russian colluders in our midst. I’m just here to give you a rundown of Paul Manafort’s fucker. So let’s do that:
Real Pic Of Me Getting Ready To Explain This Insane Situation:
March 28, 2016: Manafort Gets on Trump Train: Manafort drinks the Kool-Aid, joins the Trump team despite the fact that at this point everyone still thinks Trump is a joke who is going to lose. His claim to fame is being super into the “Lock Her Up” chant, and being generally shady af.
May 19, 2016: Manafort gets promoted to Trump campaign chairman and chief strategist after Corey Lewandowski (another dickhead) gets the can. Bye Felicia. You know what they say, in fashion the Trump campaign, one day you’re in, and the next day, you’re out.
June 9, 2016: Manafort attends the infamous meeting with the Russian attorney in Trump Tower. This meeting is a big fuckin’ deal, okay? It’s something that should have NEVER happened and it featured human birth-control Donald Trump Jr. and Trump’s Snake-in-Law, Jared Kushner. You probably remember hearing about it when American genius Don Jr. leaked his own nudes emails about it. The meeting was with Russian lawyer named Natalia Veselnitskaya, who promised to deliver damaging information about Hillary Clinton’s – you guessed it – emails. *rolls eyes*
August 14, 2016: The (failing) New York Times dishes out the receipts between Manafort and pro-Russian political party. That’s right, the failing New York Times, which spreads fake news and is Very Unfair! Sad!, wrote an expose about Manafort and his payments of about $12.7 million from former Ukrainian President Viktor F. Yanukovych between 2007 and 2012. I think that’s over the limit that Venmo allows, but maybe that’s different in the Ukraine.
August 19, 2016: Manafort says deuces to the Trump Campaign. Apparently Manafort told Trump to lay off insulting Gold-Star families and Trump was like “nah.” Ah, the age old battle between two giant dickheads.
November 8, 2016: TRUMP GETS ELECTED, SHIT HITS THE FAN, AMERICA DIVES IN A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH NONE OF US CAN WAKE!!!!
May 17, 2017: Former FBI head Robert Mueller is appointed as special counsel to investigate the Trump-Russia connection.
Mueller Walking Into Meetings:
June 27, 2017: Manafort discloses more than $17 million in payments from Ukrainian political party. So yeah, there is MORE money. And this time Manafort was working in the United States for a foreign government, which is like, a hard no.
July 25, 2017: Manafort testifies before Senate Intelligence Committee. He hands over all the transcripts from his Russian meeting, sniffles to the court “but…but her emails.”
July 26, 2017: FBI raids Manafort’s home. Weirdest episode of Cribs ever. The FBI came in hot, raided Manafort’s home unexpectedly and left with a bunch of that good-good. Much like there is always money in the banana stand, there are always reports of traitorous activities in a Trump advisor’s house.
September 19, 2017: CNN reported that the U.S. government wiretapped Manafort, conspiracy theorists rejoice. I mean, we already know the government has no problem spying on us, so Manafort is no exception. Apparently the government was like “We think he’s doing some sketchy shit with a foreign government,” and it’s like, fair enough, so they tracked his shit down. This could be bad for him and for Trump- which like, God we hope so.
October 30, 2017: Also known as “Liberal Christmas.” Manafort turns himself in to the FBI. Mueller announced his first charges and got approved by a Federal Grand Jury, so Manafort was like, “K so I see things are not going well” and turned himself in. It’s important to note that these charges don’t include explicit mention of Russian collusion or his time on the Trump campaign, but focuses on his Ukrainian political ties and finances. Yet. The investigation is still underway and so far, it’s looking like it’s going to be the best season of House of Cards yet.
So now is it like, our turn to chant “Lock Him Up”? Let me know, thx.
Oh, and if you need this information in video form, here’s our one minute crash course on all things Manafort. You’re literally so welcome.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
