As a society, we are obsessed with celebrities. I personally spend approximately 75% of my working day on celebrity gossip blogs (don’t tell my boss, k thanks!). I look at their outfits, make fun of their mugshots, and wonder how they got their abs to look like that. Seriously though, is that baby oil they use? But now, a lot of the classic A-list celebrities are getting old. Not even the uber-rich can escape that cruel beast known as Father Time. I mean, have you looked at Johnny Depp lately? Maybe spend less time dressing like a pirate and more time using moisturizer, honey!
Luckily for us, these relics of yesteryear found equally beautiful partners to procreate with, and the result is a master race of celebrity children, who have collectively decided it’s time to become famous. Since you already know Olivia Jade, I’m going to leave her off the list, but these are the cool kids she’d hang out with at school if she, you know, ever went to school. So let me introduce you to the genetically-blessed celebrity kid influencers that you really ought to know, the ones that shine so bright they’re destined to become “self-made” billionaires.
Kaia Gerber
Parents: The most iconic model of all time, Cindy Crawford, and that guy who owns a tequila company, Rande Gerber
Age: 17
Insta followers: 4.2 million
Known For: Making her runway debut at age 16
Even if Kaia Gerber wasn’t created in a lab and genetically engineered to have the exact same DNA as her mother, she would have been #blessed. Kaia grew up in Malibu with mom Cindy and dad Rande, who just so happens to be George Clooney’s best friend and co-owner of the tequila brand Casamigos. A life of never-ending sunburn with unlimited margs? Sign. Me. Up.
Four days after Kaia turned 16, she walked her first runway for Calvin Klein and hasn’t looked back. In 2018 she won the totally legit sounding “Model of the Year” award and is the face of Marc Jacobs’ Daisy fragrance. Cool. When I was 16, I was still reading Baby-Sitters Club books and pretending not to, but sure, jet-setting all over Europe and posing for British Vogue sounds cool too. If you don’t know Kaia’s name already, you will soon. Her family is insanely connected, and every designer with eyes wants to work with her because she’s like, really pretty.
Lily-Rose Depp
Parents: Professional pirate Johnny Depp and French model Vanessa Paradis
Age: 19
Insta Followers: 3.3 million
Known For: Being one of Karl Lagerfeld’s muses
Lily-Rose Depp is the human embodiment of the cool-girl trope. I’m afraid of her just from looking at her Instagram. She smokes! She wears thin tank tops! She’s French! She invented the resting bitch face! Oh, she’s on her way here? Excuse me while I go hide in the bathroom.
Lily-Rose’s parents may have saddled her with a repetitive double flower first name but that’s the only uncool thing about her. Lily-Rose has been a Chanel ambassador since she was 15, handpicked by the kaiser himself, Karl Lagerfeld (RIP). She’s also appeared in multiple Kevin Smith movies alongside his daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
And of course, the cool girl snagged the hottest guy in school, the Oscar-nominated, Louis Vuitton harness-wearing angel baby we all know as Timothée Chalamet. Can we get a Cruel Intentions remake starring these two please? Because that would be hot af, and I bet Lily-Rose already has the cross necklace covered *wink*.
Patrick Schwarzenegger
Parents: Ahhhhhnold and Maria Shriver, member of the Kennedy family
Age: 25
Insta followers: 1.2 million
Known For: His heartbreaking performance in Midnight Sun, a tragic romance about a girl allergic to the sun. I’ll let you use your imagination to determine if it was good or not.
Patrick Schwarzenegger is the descendent of American royalty (his mom is niece to JFK, Bobby, and Ted Kennedy), and an Austrian bodybuilder who is known for quotes like “It’s not a tumor!, ” and “I’ll be back!” There was no way this celebrity kid wasn’t going to be famous. He looks like his movie star dad (although not as much as the kid his dad had with the housekeeper), and has the charisma of his mom, who is a TV journalist.
Patty has three movies coming up in the next year or so, and his sister is marrying Chris Pratt in the fall. So get ready for him to be all up in your face. And if you don’t know him as the guy who cranks out movies that should have gone directly to video, perhaps you’ll remember him as the man who briefly filled the Liam-shaped hole in Miley Cyrus’s heart. That is, until, Liam was cool with her grinding on foam fingers and she dropped Patrick like hot garbage.
Ava Phillippe
Parents: Gemini vegetarian Reese Witherspoon, and the best on-screen villain in the entire teen-movie genre, Ryan Phillippe
Age: 19
Insta followers: 715,000
Known For: being a “normal” teen whose parents just happen to be famous
Ava is our least try-hard celebrity kid. Yes, she did pose looking like an ethereal beauty for Rodarte’s Fall 2018 collection, and yes, she did design a shirt for her mom’s clothing line, Draper James, and yes, people like Mindy Kaling comment on her Instagram all the time, but she’s normal, guys! And I’m totally not jealous of her at all! I’m pretty sure she goes to college right now (what, like it’s hard?), and is basically just living her life as the epitome of the all-American girl, while occasionally sprinkling in some jobs. I think we have a few years before Ava truly becomes an A-list celeb in her own right (perhaps she can play Annette in our Lily-Rose/Timothée Cruel Intentions remake?), but that’s good because it gives me some time to skin her and wear her as a suit.
And those are the celebrity kids that should be on your radar! They’re all fine, but if we’re being real, what I’m truly waiting for is the day Suri Cruise, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and Hazel Moder (daughter of Julia Roberts) become famous and bump all these losers to the Z-list.
Images: Shutterstock; kaiagerber, lily rose_depp, patrickschwarzenegger, avaphillippe / Instagram
In case you missed it, a Christmas miracle took place last weekend, and I’m not even talking about my mother uttering the words “you were right” in my presence. No, last weekend Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth GOT MARRIED in a private ceremony held in their Nashville home. That’s right, the woman who made twerking a national pastime and the second-hottest Hemsworth brother are married. Are you squealing yet? BECAUSE I AM SQUEALING. I don’t know about you, but I’d say this is definitive proof that love is real you can get your ex back after miming a sex act during your VMAs performance and it’s a win for me, personally delusional girls all over the world.
Now, if you’ll recall, the couple met in 2009 on the set of The Last Song, way back when Miley had brown hair and was still legally allowed to associate with the Disney Channel. Ah, simpler times. They first got engaged in 2012, before calling it off a year later so Miley could have her space to grow as a person go through that wild phase.
Sure, Jan. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.
But they reconnected in 2015 and seemed to be really happy, despite the fact that it made her new music only subpar. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Personally, I’ve been rooting for these two for a long time. And I’m not just saying that because after a drinking a bottle of moscato I used to drunk dial my ex and belt “Wrecking Ball” into his voicemail box. No, I’m genuinely rooting for Miley and Liam as only a complete stranger with no personal or emotional ties to them can. And now they’re married!! So to celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be fun to revisit her exes in what I like to call “Thank U, Next: The Miley Cyrus Edition.” Let’s get started, shall we?
6. Justin Gaston
If you’re wondering who this person is, you’re not alone, because I had to Google him as well. According to his IMDB page his greatest claim to fame is playing Romeo in Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” music video. So basically he’s about as relevant as my Juicy tracksuit Plato’s Closet passed on last weekend. They dated for about nine months when Miley was 15, and broke up right before she went to film The Last Song. Some say they broke up because she rekindled her friendship with Nick Jonas, and I guess 20 year old Justin felt threatened by a 14-year-old boy with a straightening iron, but I think it’s because she realized he was going about as far as Nashville’s Broad Street. Last place for you, Justin.
5. Patrick Schwarzenegger
After Miley called off her engagement to Liam, she dated Patrick Schwarzenegger for about five months and, honestly, it’s a solid rebound. The boy is fiiiine in, like, a preppy, rich kid who will definitely keep your nudes for revenge porn kind of way. So snaps for you, Miley. They broke up after photos surfaced of Patrick hanging out with his ex, which feels very on brand for him personally. He gets fifth place because he reminds me of my ex while he’s p attractive he’s also probably a piece of sh*t and I’m not tolerating a**holes for one more godd*mn minute in 2018.
4. Stella Maxwell
I have nothing to say about this relationship mostly because I don’t think there was a relationship. There were rumors that Miley and Stella Maxwell were dating in 2015 because they made out a few times in public but, like, what’s your point? If I had to formally acknowledge every person I make out with I would legit need witness protection. Nah, I’m not buying it. This was also the year that Miley and Liam reconnected, so let’s call this what it is: too many vodka crans. Next.
3. Dylan Sprouse
Lol. I know, right? According to Popsugar the two dated for “a day when they were 11 or 12” and a day is all it takes for me to be jealous of any b*tch lucky enough to date a Sprouse. For those of you who read my Riverdale recaps, you know The CW has been making me feel things about a Sprouse that is legit making me question my mental health. And even though Miley only dated the twin whose most successful business venture since The Suite Life has been opening a “meadery” in Williamsburg, I’m still ridiculously jealous.
2. Liam Hemsworth
Technically, Liam was her ex at some point so he makes the list. He’s not number one because although I root for him, there’s someone else who tops the list. SORRY NOT SORRY. Which brings us to my favorite Miley ex…
1. Nick Jonas
Nick f*cking Jonas. That’s right, people, I still stan this relationship and I will stan this relationship until either one of them releases a song that’s better than “Before The Storm.” I’m sorry but “Standing out in the rain /Need to know if it’s over /Flooded with all this pain /Knowing that I’ll never hold her /Like I did before the storm”?? F*cking iconic. I don’t care that Nick gave his purity ring to Priyanka Chopra or that Miley and Liam have been together for ten years, 14 year old me is still hoping Disney will pull rank their contracts out and make them contractually obligated to write another teenage love ballad. PLEASE IT’S ALL I ASK FOR.
But, like, every happiness to you and Liam, Miley!
Images: Giphy (3); @mileymileys /Instagram (1)
