Season 7 of Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9pm, an event I’ve been anticipating with a fervor my boyfriend some have described as “chilling.” I can’t help it. As a latecomer to the series, this was the first season I could spy on via the cast’s Instagram. As such, there a lot of drama that I’m excited for. Brittany and Lala’s engagements, the launch of Kristen’s T-shirt line, and the 20-30 meltdowns I anticipate Ariana having over her still-unreleased cocktail book, to name a few. But most of all, I’m excited to watch Stassi Schroeder with her new boyfriend, Beau Clark. I’ve been stalking the living sh*t out of their relationship, and they are goals in every sense of the word. So you don’t go into season 7 totally uninformed, I’ve compiled a list of what we know about Beau Clark. Let’s dig in.
In a February episode of Straight Up with Stassi, Stassi revealed that she and Beau began dating in August 2017. They were introduced by Katie and Kristen, an opening that seems dicey until you realize the still-married Katie and Schwartz were introduced by Kristen too. Hey, maybe she has a career as a matchmaker if the T-shirt line doesn’t take off. As a reminder, Stassi’s breakup with professional sh*thead Patrick Meagher was also right around that time.
Broken up with on our anniversary after I planned a trip for us to Mexico. Call me Carrie Bradshaw. @rachaelnobrien you're coming w me now.
— Stassi Schroeder (@stassi) August 12, 2017
Don’t we all miss Patrick, guys??? JK, and I’m psyched that Beau apparently made an appearance no more than two weeks later. As a little background on Beau himself: he works in commercial casting, lives in LA, and loves the Rams (it’s a football team, I had to look it up), country music, and dogs. Here is his Instagram. On the podcast, Beau says he was reluctant to meet Stassi at first after looking through her Instagram. The bleach blonde, Botox, bottle service look was apparently not for him—but on their first meeting, they “closed down the Mondrian talking.” He’d never “laughed as hard ever with anybody,” and all around it sounds like a fairytale first date.
Flash forward six or so months and Stassi, understandably reluctant to put another relationship in the public eye, goes IG official with Beau. She posted a series of stories documenting the Valentine’s Day he set up for her. As proof that the man knows who he’s dating and how to make her happy, decorations included “dead people gloves,” handcuffs, creepy clown posters, and plenty of images of hearts being stabbed with knives. Plus, a special Valentine’s edition of their couple’s OOTD. Anyone else’s Valentine’s Day suddenly feeling totally lame in comparison? Yeah, same.
Stassi’s debut couples post:
Their Shared Life
Since then, it seems like it’s been pretty smooth sailing for the couple. At the Vanderpump Dogs Gala this past week, Stassi and Beau gushed about how happy they were, admitting that marriage is “on their minds.” While Beau had some initial reluctance to appearing on-screen for season 7 (he’d never seen VPR before he and Stassi started dating), it seems like filming went well. Notably, Beau has bonded hard with the whole Vanderpump crew, so much so that Stassi insisted they were no longer “ best friends.” “Now, they’re our best friends,” she shamelessly brags. If that isn’t the f*cking dream (never putting up with any of your boyfriend’s friends again because you both mutually agree on the 4-6 most fun people to hang out with), I don’t know what is.
Here’s their latest double date night (dogs in tow):
While I can’t find any solid proof they live together, I’d largely assumed they do from her Instagram. It’s pretty much a 24/7 reel of them eating Taco Bell, lounging on the couch with their two dogs, pulling elaborate pranks on each other and filming it, or getting ready for double dates with their friends. (Most often, actually, Brittany and Jax, which I find surprising.) Though I think the two dogs belong to Stassi, Beau appears to be a dedicated dog dad. And Stassi, for her part, now has plenty of personalized Rams gear and accompanies him to games. Seems like one of them is making the bigger sacrifice there, but he also basically became a Bravo star for her so it’s fine.
Here’s the Rams gear I mentioned:
And here’s a peek at their freakin’ cute home life:
In addition to living a disgustingly adorable life at home, the couple has taken a few extremely sick European vacations. Here they are in Berlin and Paris this November:
Here they are being disgustingly cute in Italy in May:
And while these trips are enviable in their own right, they also seem to be an opportunity to hang out with Beau’s sister, Georgia, who—from what I can tell—lives there. The couple has annoyingly only documented their hangouts on their stories (and her IG account is private), but from what I saw, Stassi fit right in with the fam. Also, they’ve been a fabulous opportunity for Beau to up his Instagram-boyfriend game:
BRB, forwarding this link to my boyfriend with the caption “take notes.”
Ultimately, watching Beau and Stassi’s relationship on social media has been an absolute joy. They seem to share each other’s sense of humor, even while his laidback demeanor provides a slight contrast to the high-strung sh*t-stirring side of Stassi we all know and love. I’m no Us Weekly body language decoder, but they’re positively radiating joy in every photo together. Plus, over the course of their relationship, Stassi has invented a holiday, come out with a Witches of WeHo Pinot Grigio, written a book, and risen to 1.4 million followers on Instagram. Not only are they (seemingly) gloriously happy, they’re pushing each other to be the best versions of themselves. So, so happy for you Stassi—and can’t wait to see this all unfold, starting MONDAY!!!
Any hot betch knows that having perfect hair is crucial. Your hairstylist is probably in your inner circle, if not your emergency contact list. It’s probably your most important investment and is totally worth spending twice your rent on. I say this as someone who takes any opportunity to hijack a conversation to mention that TWO of Scott Disick mistresses liked a picture of my hair on Instagram once. And I know what I’m talking about when I critique people’s hair, because did I mention that no less than TWO of Scott Disick’s mistresses liked a picture of MY HAIR on Instagram once? Who better than me to critique than a bunch of image-obsessed degenerates who made a career out of making terrible decisions, otherwise known as the cast of Vanderpump Rules? Nobody, that’s who. Here are some of the worst hairstyles in the history of Vanderpump Rules.
Tom Sandoval once said, “People put a lot of effort into the way they look, and it shows. I put even more effort in—so that it doesn’t show.” And he’s totally right. But seriously, he must have put so much effort into not looking like he put in the effort to look like a wannabe Pete Wentz circa 2005. He doesn’t look like a model/actor—excuse me, I mean “mactor.” No actually, excuse me, I mean fake bartender.
If the “look” Sandoval is going for here is Avril Lavigne‘s future ex-husband, then he has succeeded. Sorry Tom, but if you look like the night shift manager at Hot Topic who dropped out of community college to focus on his band, then you are no longer allowed to be a sanctimonious douchebag about how fashionable and image conscious you are.
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And remember when Schwartz got a perm for no good reason? Yeah, we try to forget too. Perms stopped being excusable after Chutney used it as a failed defense in Legally Blonde to cover up that she killed her dad. Next.
Okay, if you run a half-assed beauty blog and call it your life’s passion, you better be sure that you always have great hair. And I’m sorry, but Katie’s attempt at being blonde was as much of a sh*tshow as a musical showcase by Scheana. I don’t think that color even exists on the color spectrum. Is it yellow? Is it orange? I honestly don’t know. Did Schwartz pour that beer all over her head in Mexico because he thought that would wash the color out? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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This is one of the most iconic moments on VANDERPUMP RULES and I had to pay tribute to her weird golden trash bag of a dress. I love a good open back dress (emphasis on good) but she is honestly one drunken shimmy away from a serious nip slip with that loose neckline. I also must admit I do not get the three lopsided buns in a row on her head. They look like little orange knots stacked on top of each other, which cannot be what she was going for. If she ever updates PUCKER&POUT again, I hope she gives us a tutorial for this look, not because I want to recreate it, but because I’d like an explanation as to what the thought process was here. #vanderpumprules #pumprules #vpr #bravotv #tequilakatie #katiemaloneyschwartz
I don’t know about you, but I always thought Peter was the most datable one on the show. Maybe it’s because he had that sexy pirate vibe going on, or maybe it’s because he was wise enough to act as the voice of reason and not put his drama front and center. But in the later seasons of Pump Rules, he chopped off his ponytail and got rid of his goatee.
Usually, when a guy gets rid of the ponytail and facial hair, you’re glad he’s finally seen the light, quit his drum circle, and donated his Baja hoodie to Goodwill. But Peter? I don’t know, he just perpetually looked like something was missing from his face. Stick with the Jack Sparrow look, Peter!
Lala Kent is everything to me. She can do no wrong. So I totally forgive her for that time she wore her hair like a Shih Tzu’s to Katie and Tom’s engagement party that she ruined (shout-out to Adderall and Compliments for the spot-on comparison!). I don’t forgive Lala for this misstep because I’m being the bigger person instead of being secretly happy that I finally have better-looking hair than a girl who perpetually looks perfect; I forgive her because Society6 made it into a bomb-ass couch pillow that totally doesn’t alienate any guys I bring back to my place. (My Kris Jenner shower curtain does that, though.)
I will say, though, that the dark hair isn’t doing her any favors lately. Lala needs to bring back the blonde.
Let’s be real here: Jax isn’t exactly any guy’s or any girl’s fitspiration anymore. He’s aging, and the hard-partying lifestyle he refuses to give up has definitely caught up with him. So, last season he put zero effort into his looks because he knew Brittany would never leave him (no matter how many times he cheated on her, degraded her, and generally treated her like sh*t). So instead of putting any sort of effort into his hair, he shaved it off. Instead of wearing tasteful chunky sweaters (quite the #tbt, remember his sweater line aspiration?), he settles for wearing Saturdays are for the Incels—sorry, I meant Boys—T-shirts. Talk about a make-under.
To be clear, I never really got the appeal of Jax Taylor before. But now? His aesthetic screams “35-year-old substitute teacher in Albuquerque who peaked in high school and spends his boys nights out at happy hour at Applebee’s sneaking $1 Bahama Mama’s to the underage hostess only to get fake numbered by her later so he rage-kicks his 2004 Saturn in the parking lot while listening to Limp Bizkit.” Damn, that was a longwinded insult. I may or may not have had some of Raquel’s pasta…
Besides bullies, ISIS, and people who have the audacity to tell me that Taco Bell isn’t authentic Mexican food, Scheana may be the worst person on the planet. But I have to admit, Scheana has always had pretty great hair. Sure, her relationships are sad, her music career is a joke, and she is so delusional that a guy tripping balls at Burning Man is more in touch with reality than she is. But in spite of that, she has great hair—except for that one time she infamously looked like an American Girl Doll, per Stassi. #Neverforget that weird headband/wrap thing, that hot pink lipstick that did her no favors, and the clown makeup she liked to rock in early seasons.
I can’t wait to see what beauty missteps the cast will commit on season 7 of Vanderpump Rules!
Images: Giphy (2)
Aside from Katie’s wedding to Schwartz and Lala’s married boyfriend, one of the main plot lines of this past season of Vanderpump Rules was Stassi tragically not having a boyfriend. What a brave soul. Oh yeah, and there was Scheana’s divorce. I almost forgot about that. But back to Stassi. This girl spent an entire season bitching and moaning about being single, and yet doing next to nothing about it (going on one blind date doesn’t count and neither does rejecting Kyle in a hot tub). Well it looks like we may never have to hear Stassi complain about her plight as a single woman again. That’s because Stassi got back together with Patrick, her on-again-off-again boyfriend who never appeared on camera and we all kind of thought was made up. Don’t lie, you wondered it. Well, Patrick is real and he’s dating Stassi again. Below, the receipts.
Exhibit A: This photo of Stassi and some untagged man who I learned after .5 seconds of Googling is in fact Patrick, captioned “Back again” with no less than three hearts. THREE.
And if you’re looking for further receipts, check out what Stassi’s own friends said in response to this Instagram:
That’s FOUR hearts from Katie and a heart, a 100 emoji, some sparks (I think?) and a rocker sign emoji from Kristen. Side note, get it together, Kristen. No one makes the rocker hand symbol anymore. This isn’t 2004.
This is not just me wildly speculating for once, either. Patrick confirmed on some podcast called Stock Room Floor that he and Stassi are back together AND that he’s going to be appearing on next season of Vanderpump Rules. He says he doesn’t have drama with anybody and is “probably going to be very boring,” which could be accurate or it could be a cover-up since we all know about those girls who “hate drama”….
Anyway, congrats to Stassi. I’m happy for you, mostly because now you can stop bitching about being single and start bitching about Patrick not waiting on you hand and foot. Mazel!