‘Are You The One?’ Recap: No One Has Any Idea What They’re Doing

Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!

We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.

Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?

In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.

All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.

The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.

In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.

Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.

And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.

The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.

Cali during this whole interaction:

After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?

And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.

In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.

Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.

Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!

Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.

Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.

They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!

The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.

And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!

Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”

After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER.  He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.

Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: Giphy (3)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: A Match Made in Hell

We’re back this week with another episode of Are You The One: When Will Bria Make Her Kill, and it’s a double episode! Lucky for those of us who watch this show to feel better about our own bad decisions, more work for those of us who have to recap this show. Can’t wait! Let’s dive in to the Are You The One recap.

The episode begins as our unlucky in love-rs traipse back to the house to dramatic and depressing music, their two pathetic beams looming heavy behind them and on their hearts. The group calls for a “family meeting” and I’m not sure if you should call the group of people you’re banging family. That’s only legal in a few states, and I don’t think Hawaii is one of them.

The group immediately starts ganging up on Zak and Morgan; apparently no one believes they’re a match. Bria’s mind control is working! What kind of sorcery is this? The group disperses, having come to no real conclusion other than the fact that Lewis needs some Gatorade.

Out back, Kenya and Lewis are talking to Bria and trying to convince her to get Zak back. Damn, Lewis, you are shady. “Just as fast as she got him, you can get him right back.” Not saying I didn’t say this same thing to my distraught friend when convincing her to crash her ex’s wedding, but still.

Kayla and Cam sit down and he starts telling her he has reservations. CAM! Am I going to have to take back all of the nice things I said about you last week? I’ll do it. I will. Okay, let’s see why he thinks they aren’t a match. She doesn’t like the ocean and he does. LOL. She gets motion sickness easily, and he likes to drive. LOL. She doesn’t like Donald Trump and he does. Oh. Okay. So that one could legit cause some big problems. HUGE.

Over in the kitchen, Andrew and Lauren seem to be getting along. He tells her he only wants one wife. And also a motocross bike. Okay Andrew, this isn’t a f*cking Christmas list. Take that one up with Santa at a later date. He should also add sunscreen to that list because he still hasn’t figured out how not to get burnt. SPF 50 pls, Santy!

OMG Lauren just asked Andrew if he could go for a blonde and he told her “absolutely, my mom is blonde.”

Lauren and all of America:

It is literally still nighttime, and now the crew has moved to the pool and is playing a friendly game of truth or dare. Cali dares Nutsa to play “nervous” which apparently is a game where you grab a guy’s d*ck? I don’t get the point. Do I need to call HR? Anyway, she chooses to grab Daniel’s. Samantha is not pleased. She starts yelling at Daniel and telling him it was disrespectful for him to let another girl grab his d*ck in front of her. I mean that’s fair, but like, you’re on an MTV reality show where you basically have to hook up with multiple people to win, so the normal rules of etiquette don’t really apply.

We have finally made it to morning and the cast is hanging out in the water. I guess Lewis can’t swim, since he’s wearing a life preserver. Maybe they should have given that to Kwasi last week for his surfing date? Unless they wanted him to drown?

Nutsa seems to have decided that her voice is not annoying enough, so she decides to physically assault her crush Brett with a pillow and with her body. Then she decides to chase him. It’s like watching a hamster finally get free from its cage.

Cam and Cali are openly flirting, and it’s causing Kayla enough distress that she has to go talk to herself in the mirror and cry in her bed. Dramatic much? I call that a Tuesday night.

Terry shows up and reminds everyone of his girlfriend, the beautiful fate button. It’s time to choose some people for dates! Fate chooses Zak, Daniel, Bria, and Asia and I guess Bria’s mind control extends to the fate button as well. The house breaks out into applause because they are afraid Bria will hurt them if they don’t clap want to find out if Zak and Bria are a match.

Kayla and Kwasi start vibing and I’m happy for her because I don’t want to see her crying in her bed again. Put yourself out there, Kayla! There are 9 other men in this house that will eventually dump you the second someone hotter comes along.

Okay, Samantha sits down with Daniel and I just had to listen to like, a solid three minutes of her saying she doesn’t trust him and he hasn’t earned her trust and affection for her to then go into the boom boom room with him. Next time spare me the bullsh*t foreplay and let’s get right to it.

Moving on to the date, our couples are going dune buggy-ing. Zak decides to take the wheel instead of Bria, which I think is the safest choice for all involved. They’re taking them on a road, though—I thought these were for off-roading? Does one often encounter dunes on the highway? Our daters pull their buggys up to the coffee shop for the rest of date. So their date is literally a pit stop I made before work this morning. MTV is really forking over the big bucks this season.

Over their lattes, Zak tells Bria that he’s surprised that they were able to pick it right back up and he could see why they might be a match. DUDE! Never before in my life have I seen someone so easily distracted by what’s in front of them. Wait, I lied.


Zac and Bria make out. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. If this isn’t a case of thinking-with-your-d*ck-itis, I don’t know what is.

Back at the house, Terry shows up to earn that minimum wage paycheck. Zak and Bria tell the house that they kissed and Morgan is sad. Don’t worry, Morgan! Once he sees you and remembers you he’ll make out with you too!

Samantha calls out Zak for being a d*ck in front of Morgan. In the interview room she says this about Zak and Bria, “They literally both don’t care how other people feel so maybe they are a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell.” Truer words have never been spoken, Sam. We applaud you and we thank you.

As expected, Zak and Bria were voted into the truth booth. They both are confident that they’re a match. They should be as confident in their relationship as I am in the MTA’s ability to get me anywhere on time except into an early grave.

And LOL they’re no match. Literally I’ve never been happier to see two people so upset. You would murder each other, you f*cking morons!! Not even the devil would match you up because he doesn’t want to see Bria in hell any earlier than he has to!

Morgan rn:

Told You

Bria is sobbing and Zak tells the camera he needs to move on. LOL what a douche. I’m going to set his house on fire.

Naturally, Bria comes back looking for a fight. I’m sorry, a debate. She was on the debate team, y’all remember? Immediately she moves on Kwasi, who told them that they suck when they returned from the truth booth. Zak immediately ditches. LOL what a douche. Bria is screaming at Kwasi, so naturally he gets heated. God, Bria, have you heard of a joke? Did they not teach you about those in the hellmouth you crawled out of?

Now Asia is jealous that Bria gets to do all the debating so she decides to start sh*t with Nutsa when our poor little hamster friend just wanted to get some food! I literally do not even know what this fight is about. GOD where does MTV find these people?? I honestly think that they go to the trashiest bar in Tampa, find the girl that just punched another girl, walk right up to her and say “hey, wanna be on our dating show?” Bria, let me know if I’m right.

Moe is turned on by Asia’s bullying, so he follows her outside to tell her he’ll always be there for her. You say that now, Moe, but just you wait until one day you are just walking to the kitchen to get food and she jumps down YOUR throat.

SHOCKER! Zak wants Morgan back. He pulls her aside and says he doesn’t want to be with Bria and he’s actually into Morgan.

Zak: So what are we?

Zak! You’re the worst!

Bria sees them talking and strolls out hand in hand with Kwasi. I guess they’ve made up. Kwasi finally calls Zak out in front of both Bria and Morgan and asks him who he would want to pursue a relationship with outside the house. He panics. Might I remind you, he LITERALLY JUST TOLD MORGAN HE DIDN’T WANT TO DATE BRIA.

Zak finally decides that since he already knows he’s not a match with Bria, he’ll say Morgan. Bria loses her sh*t and gives them all a lecture, telling them they’re not better than her. Oh, Bria. Honey. I know a cockroach that’s better than you.

Zak and Morgan take it to the boom boom room for one last f*ck before Bria kills them. Morgan! For shame. Missionary with the lights off is not worth your dignity.

Inside, Cali and Cam are talking. He tells her he likes her because she’s “nature girl” and he’s “nature boy.” OH REALLY. Why do I get the sense that Cam’s idea of exploring nature is drinking a Natty Light in his backyard with his bros?

We’ve finally made it to the matchup ceremony and it’s a guys night to pick. They decide to go with their hearts instead of with strategy because last week strategy didn’t work. I wonder if anyone took a minute to think perhaps they just came up with a bad strategy? No? So just me then? Cool.

Okay am I missing something? Where’s Daniel? And Bria? They’re sitting next to each other but they never showed him picking her. Why didn’t he pick Sam? I’M SO CONFUSED. It’s like he wants his d*ck cut off.

The group gets four beams! Papa Terry is proud and this week he tells them to go take a shot for him. Oh they will Terry, they’ll each take nine of them.

Back at the house, Cali reminds everyone that only two couples repeated tonight and it was her and Tomas and Morgan and Zak, which means that only one of them is a perfect match. Cali and Tomas are convinced it’s them and that’s enough to get them to the boom boom room, but apparently not enough for Tomas to get it up.

Back outside, Kwasi and Kayla are talking and Cam is shocked. YOU TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE A MATCH! Of course she is talking to someone else! And now you’re jealous? That’s not how it works.

Cam pulls Kayla aside and he tells her he doesn’t want to be made a fool of. This conversation basically goes nowhere and Cam goes back into the house to confront Kwasi, who quickly turns into Kwasi Beast and throws himself across the room to attack Cam. We end the episode with the guys holding Kwasi back and me imagining the tongue lashing they’re going to get from Papa T.

See you all next week!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: It’s Time To Get Morgan Some Security

Hello, Are You the One? Nation! Huh, that wasn’t quite as catchy as Bachelor Nation. Plus, way less people watch this show. Hello, Are You the One? Borough! Yes, yes, that’s right. We’ve made it to another week of our beloved show, and as you’ll recall, last week we were left on a cliffhanger. Will Tevin, Jasmine, and a vat of neon paint seal the deal? Let’s dive right in!

We open on a rainy morning, and honestly the weather for this retreat is not doing a whole hell of a lot to help out the Hawaii tourism bureau. I thought the weather there was always supposed to be sunny with a chance of piña coladas? Is that not right?

A bunch of the cast is sitting around in one tent talking about their exes. Cam is talking about how Kayla’s ex was a piece of woman-hating trash on steroids (I paraphrase) and that reminds me that last week in the comments someone mentioned I forgot to say how sweet Cam was to Kayla during that whole situation. And he was! I’m sorry I didn’t say it, sometimes I get so focused on writing mean things about idiots that I don’t write about the people that display general human decency. Snaps for Cam! And Cam, if you don’t find your perfect match, my girl It’s Britney, Betch is very into your fratty vibe so you might want to hit her up. There! My good deed for today. Moving on.

This is a nice supportive moment in the tent, and everyone is very sweet to one another and they are committed to working together and figuring this thing out. Obviously, Bria is not there.

Cut to Tevin and Asia doing yoga and talking about Kenya’s behavior with her ex. And by behavior, I mean supergluing her ass to his lap. Tevin says he’s afraid that Kenya will find out what happened between him and Jasmine, and I think that statement, along with the graphic footage from last week, pretty much confirms that the neon paint was used as lube last night. Tevin is set on separating from Kenya and I’m feeling very doubtful that will happen.

Back inside the tent, Bria, possessed by the devil and the souls of all the scorned women that came before her, is plotting her revenge on Morgan. She says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do yet, but it’s coming. I’m just going to take a wild guess and say it’s going to involve a meat cleaver, rope, duct tape, and bleach.  

Terry shows up and praises the cast for surviving this relationship rehab. I think he’s using the word “survive” very liberally but k, whatever. The good news is that he’s springing them from this monsoon and allowing them to return to the house. I bet they’ve never been so happy to return to their bare mattresses on the floor!

The crew gets home, and everybody immediately needs a shower, and then they have a taco party. I think this is what OJ did the first night he was released from prison, too. Nutsa keeps yelling “guys it’s taco Tuesday!” and now her voice has ruined tacos for me forever. I’m beginning to understand why she has not found love.

Kwasi eats his taco and then decides to stir up some sh*t. And not like Cali’s spicy poops kind of sh*t. He pulls Kenya aside to talk to her.

Kwasi: I don’t want to be a snitch…
Kenya: Tell me
Kwasi: Well since you twisted my arm, Jasmine sucked Tevin’s d*ck last night

Kenya is “disgusted” but seems to forget that the reason she didn’t know this happened was because she was temporarily indisposed cuddling up to Tevin’s doppelgänger! She straight-up asks Jasmine if she hooked up with Tevin last night and to her credit, Jasmine admits it right away. Then Kenya takes off to castrate Tevin. She finds him, and Lewis is lingering. She yells, “everyone get the f*ck away” and Lewis says, “I’m bored!” National. Treasure. If anyone deserves to get their d*ck sucked it’s this guy. Oh wait, Kenya already did that…

Tevin admits that he was hurt by the way Kenya was acting with her ex, and that’s why he hooked up with Jasmine. Kenya forgives him and now I just feel bad for Jasmine, who quickly became a pawn in the sick game of two people who will ultimately have multiple pregnancy scares and then break up, perhaps with police intervention.

We switch over to Zak and Morgan, who are sitting outside and listing the things they know about each other. Apparently both of them work for marketing agencies. I’m sure these marketing agencies are very proud of the talent they’ve churned out. Please say the company’s names so I never apply they can get credit. Zak and Morgan are so turned on by all this marketing talk they hightail it to the boom boom room.

The next morning, Terry shows up and reminds us of the fate button. Fate is feeling very left out after a week just sitting in the living room, not being able to ruin lives and pretend to make matches. So fate has taken revenge on the group and chosen Morgan, Kenya, Brett, and Kwasi. At least it spared us all from an extra five minutes of Nutsa’s voice. This week the group date is surfing. In Hawaii.

Kwasi does not know how to swim, and now I’m worried fate was intervening to cause his death do something else. That sneaky b*tch.

Kwasi is really into Morgan and tells her she’s beautiful. She doesn’t like him because he’s superficial. Well, he did spend significant amount of time on this date describing her “yummy physique,” so that’s a fair assessment.

Kenya and Brett think that they could be a match, but they don’t think they have a romantic spark. They also think they’re both hilarious, and to that I say, TELL ME A JOKE. Prove it! No one here has shown me any hilarity other than Lewis. I’m waiting.

Terry gathers the crew in the living room, and decides there isn’t enough blood on the carpet tonight, so he immediately asks Zak if he’s made any new connections. Zak starts gushing over Morgan, as Bria’s smile over in the corner chills me to the bone.

Terry then moves on to see who was voted into the truth booth, and the group has voted in Brett and Kenya. They head to the truth booth and we cut to commercial as our cast screams bloody murder, like they do every week. It means nothing. Well, it means nothing until the week Bria eventually decapitates Morgan.

And they are not a match! Kenya is crying tears of joy because this means she gets to go back to her man. You know, the one who got his d*ck sucked by another girl last night. She’s so lucky!

Me, interviewing Jasmine: How are you feeling right now Jaz?

After taking a few shots, Bria decides to confront Morgan. Personally, if I was going to commit murder, I’d want to be sober as to make sure I got away with it, but to each their stupid own. Instead of killing her, though, Bria decides to sit Morgan down and just tell her in her very best Liam Neeson revenge-thriller voice that she’s better than Morgan. Morgan says “k, cool, can I go now?” She is allowed to leave. This time…

The next day, Asia decides that she is the Rain Man of the house and is doing some serious strategizing ahead of the match up ceremony. I love the part of the season when people start trying to do math. It very rarely works, and more often than not, their heads explode.

Terry welcomes the crew to the match up ceremony and checks in with our only perfect match thus far, Maria and Shamoy. Shamoy says things are going well but other people need to find their matches so they can have “other people to kick it with.” AKA they f*cking hate each other already. No word on whether anyone has spilled on that white couch yet, unfortunately.

Terry calls up the ladies to choose.

Terry calls Morgan up. He asks her about Zak and then decides there’s not enough blood on his podium, so he asks Bria her thoughts. She calls Morgan a liar. Screaming commences. I drink wine and tune it out. I’ve had enough of this girl.  

Everyone is “locked in.” Words I’m sure they’ve all heard before while drying up in their local drunk tank. We wait an interminable amount of time for the beams. They don’t black out on beams, but I’m sure they’ll be able to accomplish that later with alcohol. The group only gets one additional beam, and Papa Terry is very upset. He tells them that tonight was trash. Hey! That’s my line!

Everyone walks away hanging their heads in shame. TBH they should be hanging their heads in shame more often on this show. That should be their default position. As the episode ends they all are headed to their timeout chairs that Papa Terry set up for them in the house as punishment for being stupid idiots that are dumb. See you next week!

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Not Your Mother’s Rehab

Hello, friends! It’s time for another week of watching people who are bad at relationships rely on a giant red button to help them out. Let’s see how well that works out for everyone on tonight’s episode!

As we open, the cast returns to the house to get ready for their “overnight relationship rehab,” which is coincidentally also what I call it when I binge eat raw cookie dough at 1am after a rough breakup.

The cast convenes in the living room and they are disgusted with themselves. Disgusted! No, not because Grandma had to witness her favorite grandchild talk about “topping off” another cast member, but because they only got two beams last week (not including the perfect match).

Nutsa says that they all need to get to know each other better and no one has gotten to know her “deep enough.” WOW boys if that’s not an indictment of your skills in the bedroom I don’t know what is. Time to step it up. Bria, ever the peacemaker, tells everyone to stop fighting because they need to work together as a team.

Daniel now officially declares this “saucy-*ss season seven!” and reveals his pits stains in an unconventional mating ritual that will cause Sam to lose control of her mental faculties and jump his bones.

Cut to Maria and Shamoy in the Holiday Inn down the street  honeymoon suite. This place is eerily clean, in stark contrast to the squalor that the uncoupled masses are living in. It’s just all very white. When you find your perfect match, do you also magically gain the power to never spill anything? Because if so, me and my pizza sauce-stained couch would like our perfect match, please!

Back in the main house, the morning sun has shined its beautiful face on all our willing victims, and it’s time for them to go on their couples retreat. Moe has faith that Terrence knows what he’s doing. Oh, honey! You think Terry plans this?

Terry shows the cast where they are having their overnight relationship rehab, and if they thought this was the kind of rehab where you run into Ben Affleck doing guided meditation and you’re weaned off your alcoholism with mimosas, they were sorely mistaken. This “rehab” is some tents haphazardly set up in the woods, ready to conceal some dark, dark acts.

Terry then tells the cast that they all need to learn from their past mistakes, so he sent their past mistakes to Hawaii to torment them. Naturally those “mistakes” are the shining examples of human beings they used to date.

Is it just me or do some of these girls seem way too excited at the prospect of seeing their exes?

Terry: And here are the dudes that ruined your lives!

Terry says not all the exes could make it, because unfortunately only some of them could get the permission required from their parole officers (I assume).

Zak is worried his “unloyal” ex will show up. Is that who you learned to be DISloyal from, sweetie?

Sam is convinced her ex is not coming because it’s a Monday and he works 9-5, lol. Such good logic, except I work a 9-5 job too, Sammy, and that doesn’t stop me from calling out if I only get 9 hours of sleep instead of 10. A girl needs her beauty rest! I’m sure he could find an excuse to miss work.

This whole situation is honestly a little confusing to me. If y’all didn’t want to see your exes again why didn’t you just burn down their houses not give their name to the producers?

The cast starts to get their drink on in the rain before the exes show up. It’s important to be as sh*tfaced as possible, so as not to remember this ever happened. It’s the only way to do it. Of course the first ex to show up is Zak’s because we really need more girls on this show to stroke his huge ego.

While the girls go to greet Zak’s ex, Lewis starts running around looking for Bria because he didn’t come to this yoga retreat to not see some bloodshed, and goddamnit, neither did I. Lewis, you are a national treasure.

Zak’s ex looks legit just like Sam. Is she wearing her skin as a suit? They sit down. The conversation goes like this.

Zak: How are you?

When Bria hears that Zak’s ex has made her way into their woods party, she runs outside so fast it’s like someone just yelled that there’s half-priced Jell-O shots. She immediately starts mocking ex Emily’s appearance, which is something you should only do with your friends in a group chat while sending screenshots back and forth, Bria. HAVE SOME CLASS.

Bria starts asking about how Zak acted as a boyfriend, and then offers to make Emily a margarita. I’m suspicious. Did anyone check her pockets for cyanide?

By the bar, Samantha and Daniel are flirting over shots of anti-freeze when her ex Tyler strolls right up, still wearing the lei they gave him at the airport. He seems like the type to say a hottie “lei-ed” him, not mentioning she was paid to do it by United Airlines.

Samantha is so surprised and asks how he got off work. I’m not sure she understands how the professional world works. Work is not actually prison, Samantha. That’s just something I dramatically say at 9:15 on Monday morning. It’s called hyperbole sweetie, look it up. They do actually let you take a vacation if you ask in writing 6-8 weeks in advance and your boss isn’t a vindictive psycho.

Daniel wants to talk to Tyler and says “can I just steal you for a sec?” Tyler is immediately a huge douche and now I’m wondering how he got this 9-5 job. Family connections? Because he has what my HR department would call “an unacceptably bad attitude that requires correction.” Not that I would know!!! Tyler basically taunts and threatens Daniel and I’m wondering why he thinks this is a good idea? Daniel has about 30 pounds (??? sorry if this is totally off I’m bad at guessing weights, I could never work at a carnival) on him and isn’t afraid to get a little aggressive.

In the yoga room, a bunch of people are laying around and drinking on mats that say “stop and give me zen.” That’s super cute and I’d totally be in for those at like, a low-key bachelorette party, but they seem a little out of place at a retreat that encourages people to imbibe to the point of vomiting.

Kenya’s ex Daryl strolls in and he also looks like he skinned Tevin and is wearing him like a suit. WHAT is with these doppelgängers? And, like, if lookalikes are this easy to find, where’s Jason Momoa’s double for me? Hmm?

Kenya and budget Tevin Daryl go talk privately in a tent. Daryl says he’s gonna love Kenya forever and she DOES NOT SEEM over it. Kenya, you realize you just signed up to date other dudes, right?

Next, Kayla’s ex walks in. She says he left her in a really dark place so I can’t wait to see a mental breakdown here tonight, folks. They head over to the bar and he says she’s “a really sweet girl but once you get to know her better…” Oh, so he’s one of those.

Samantha and her ex Tyler are having a serious talk.

Tyler: Have you hooked up with anyone here
Samantha: I’ve made out with one guy

What is with these exes? They all seem genuinely surprised/pissed that people they BROKE UP WITH have made out with other people on A DATING SHOW. Like, duh.

Tyler and Samantha are rehashing old wounds and she tells him that he’s toxic and her own personal brand of heroin. Does heroin have brand names? If so, I doubt that a brand would be named Tyler. Like maybe Dwayne or something? Right? Heroin fans, pls advise.

Kayla is telling us that her ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Well what the f*ck, MTV? Why are you paying for this a-hole to go to Hawaii? Abusers don’t deserve vacations! I’m only verbally abusive to myself, can I get a free ride to the Aloha State?

Kenya is sitting on her ex Daryl’s lap talking, and he takes all the blame for ruining their relationship. That’s nice Daryl, but are you only saying that because her ass is rubbing against your d*ck right now or nah?

The exes continue to stroll right into this Blair Witch nightmare the producers have set up, and next to emerge from the woods is Morgan’s ex, Leon. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see him, because I just don’t think we’ve had enough man buns this season.

Over by the bar, Kayla’s ex Ikaika (not the Swedish home goods store) is sh*t talking her to all the dudes. He’s basically calling her an ugly slut and he throws his drink on Cam. That button-down was freshly pressed, you moron! He runs after Cam to fight, and clearly someone smuggled steroids up their butt into Hawaii, huh Ike? Thankfully, Tomas comes out of nowhere with the tackle. Poor Kayla is sobbing and I’m ashamed that Terry had this douche sent to Hawaii. Ryan Devlin would never have done this to a woman.

Zak’s cathartic sobbing with his ex has inspired him to give it a chance with Morgan. He leads her over to his favorite hammock and says he wants to give it a try. Bria sees them and is instantly possessed by the devil. She warns that she’s coming for Morgan and I hope someone hides all the knives.

Kenya and Daryl are all over each other. Tevin is so upset, even his camo bucket hat is feeling deflated. Jasmine, on the other hand, is elated. She literally starts stretching her vagina in hopeful preparation for its meeting with Tevin later. More power to her, those moves look hard. I can’t even get my leg up on the bar at barre class without assistance.  

Someone handed out neon paint to these drunk fools and they are literally throwing it all over each other. It looks cool right now, but that’s gonna be a b*tch to get out of the pubic hair, am I right Tevin?

Speaking of, Tevin says that Jasmine has been right about Kenya all along

Jasmine rn

They start getting hot and heavy in the shower, and we are left on a cliffhanger! Will Tevin and Jasmine finally consummate the relationship? Will all those steroids give Ikaika a stroke? Will someone get paint in a bad place? Stay tuned to find out next week!

Images: Giphy (5)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Andrew Forgot His Sunscreen

Hi friends! We’re back for the Are You The One season 7 episode 3 recap, and I, for one, am on the edge of my seat. Will Zak continue to hit on every girl in the house? Will my eardrums sustain permanent damage from Nutsa’s voice? Will Bria skin Zak and wear him as a suit? Let’s find out!

We open on Bria screaming, and already I’m traumatized because I had a rough subway ride home today. It also involved a lady screaming “you can suck my dick!” Although in her case, I think she was just trying to get me to give her money. Bria is actually insane.

In the other room Nutsa is telling Zak he deserves better than Bria, and in the confessional Morgan is telling us that Nutsa isn’t right right for Zak. There is some major girl-on-girl crime going on here.

Asia decides to spare us all a reenactment of the red wedding, and attempts to give Bria a pep talk. She tells her she needs to move on from Zak and will physically not let her back in the house until she calms down.

Bria is grunting and heavy breathing like someone deeply in need of an exorcism as Asia leads her back to the house. She crab walks right up to Zak.

Bria: *voice dripping with depression and sorrow* Listen to me, it’s done


Moving on to our second most f*cked up couple of the house, Tevin and Kenya. Tevin is whispering to Kenya, asking what she did in the boom boom room with Lewis. He says he’s whispering to preserve his voice, not because he wants to keep their sexual exploits private or anything.

Kenya: We didn’t do anything
Tevin: *whispers* You gave him head
Kenya: *shouts* I gave him head

It’s all highly disconcerting. They leave this conversation agreeing they are still into each other, but only one of them leaves with vocal chords that are fresh as a daisy.

Bria is icing her hand because she injured it in one of her rage blackouts. She is also wearing Zak’s shirt even though I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS, GOD! Samantha tells Zak that it’s basically like a dog peeing on something to mark its territory. Oh, Sam. I’m sure Bria did that too!

Okay now Sam is talking about how she and Zak are similar and she thinks he might be her match. I’m starting to wonder what it is about this dude that makes him female kryptonite? Is he actually a slice of pizza underneath his clothes?

Sam thinks they connect intellectually, and I’m wondering if they’re not showing us the parts of the day where Zak walks around reciting Yeats from memory cause otherwise I DON’T SEE IT.

Now we transition to Andrew, who is declaring that everyone has made a connection and there are a lot of playboys there and he just doesn’t have that game. You mean the ladies aren’t impressed by the diamond studs in each ear, Andrew? I am shook!

Andrew is using the precious few minutes of screen time he has to talk about the weather with Asia. Apparently he got sunburned because it was overcast out and he “just didn’t think.” Well, Andrew, us fair-skinned folk need to be vigilant about the sun. Always wear sunscreen! Melanoma does not discriminate, although I’m sure it would pass over your diamond-studded self if it had the choice.

I honestly never thought I’d say this about someone on this show, but Andrew definitely needs to consume more alcohol. This conversation is so awkward and the only way to get past that is by drinking so much your ability to feel shame goes away. 

Morgan is letting Nutsa do her makeup even though they are both crushing on Zak. Morgan better watch out because Nutsa has a crazy look in her eye and a lip liner that looks suspiciously like a shiv.

Morgan immediately runs from her conversation with Nutsa to tattle on her to Bria. She tells Bria that Nutsa is petty but she is GREAT AND PERFECT AND WILL BE PURSUING ZAK. And isn’t it honorable that she’s telling Bria before she does it? In the confessional, Morgan lets us know that she told Bria about her crush on Zak because she’s afraid of her. Same.

Morgan goes right over to Zak and greets him vag first. He accepts with open arms.

Nutsa see this happen and is offended and upset. And I am offended and upset by the sounds coming out of her mouth right now. My ears, they bleed.

Morgan tells Nutsa that she went to Zak to tell him to respect her. Then she tells us in the confessional that she lied. I’m very into Morgan’s use of the confessional. She knows what it’s about. Also she might want to avoid everyone from the show now that this is airing. Save yourself, Morgan!

Can I just take a brief moment here to discuss the living accommodations MTV provides for the cast members? It’s literally mattresses thrown on the floor with a comforter on top. They look like they’re squatters. Did MTV even pay for this house or did they make the cast members break into a vacation home that wasn’t currently being rented?

Cut to Cali and Brett in some sort of khaki-colored hammock contraption. I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s going on here because everything is the same color. The people are tan, the hammock is tan, Brett’s shirt is tan. I think they’re making out. They seem to like each other. Cute.

Terrence J shows up. Is the J an extension of his first name, or is it his last name? Do we think I can drop it by now? Is Terrence too familiar for a man I’ve never met? Eh what the heck, let’s go with Terry.

Terry shows up. He reminds them that one week and seven hangovers ago they got three beams at the matching ceremony. Papa Terry was very proud. He shows off his beloved, the fate button, which will again pick the dates this week.

The producers Fate picks Nutsa and Asia as the women going on the date. For the second week in a row, Bria threatens the life of the fate button if it picks Zak. I really fear this this button is not long for this life. Luckily, the fate button is spared this week because it chooses Cam and Andrew. Don’t forget your SPF 50, Andrew!


So for this date they are zorbing. Zorbing is a word I just learned that means rolling around in a plastic ball like a drunken hamster. How nice of MTV to send the cast to Hawaii and let them do something I could do at I Play America in central Jersey. Really spending the big bucks! I hope someone suffocates.

Cam and Asia pair up for some time by the water, where Asia asks if his political views affect his dating life. He is open and honest and so in return she tells him she hates him for his political views.

Nutsa spends the day telling the boys she’s not into them. Gentlemen, this is a blessing. You don’t need that voice in your life.

Oooh now I see what Andrew was talking about with his sunburn. That baby’s gonna peel. A pink-tinted Andrew tells Asia he would be interested in her if he saw her walking down the street. Asia says she thinks he has a wallflower personality and is wary of him because he seems shy. Wow, I never knew shy was a dealbreaker. So ladies, we’re into rage issues, cheaters, and unemployed losers, but we draw the line at shy? This is where we are now?

Andrew convinces Asia that he would never be so disgusting as to be a shy dude, and she believes him enough to think they might be a match.

Back at the house, Terry is there to announce who is going in the truth booth. Asia and Andrew admit they’re feeling each other, and the house thought they might be too. They’re headed to the Truth Booth.

And it’s no match! Looks like Andrew was lying about being shy and the experts just blew up his spot, huh? They seem a little upset at first but then Andrew starts yelling “That’s information! That’s information!” which is basically what I do after every late-night Wikipedia deep dive.

Post-Truth Booth, Kenya approaches Jasmine for saying she would pop off on her. I must have missed that part, but apparently it’s a big issue. Kenya screams at Jasmine and then peaces out. Jasmine trying to calm herself down right now is me after anyone asks me to do a simple task at work. I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO ADD YOURSELF TO THE DISTRO LIST, LINDA!

Nutsa pulls Zak aside and asks him what he likes in a girl.

Zak: Looks don’t really matter to me
Also Zak: 

He also mentions he wants a woman that’s loyal. So loyal like you were to Bria with Morgan and Nutsa and Samantha, like that kind of loyal? Nutsa eats it right up and says she thinks they could be a match.

Bria then comes in and pulls Zak away from this sweet conversation and legit pulls him into the boom boom room and jumps his bones. Oh so like this kind of loyal, Zak?

Nutsa then asks Samantha where Zak is.

Samantha:  Yeah he’s f*cking Bria in the boom boom room

Samantha! I want only good things for you! My kindred spirit.

Before Bria lets Zak leave the boom boom room, she squeezes his balls until he says she can trust him. I believe Zak about as much as I believe myself when I say I’ll come out but just for one drink.

We have finally made it to the second match-up ceremony, and no one is dead yet! That’s how I’m measuring success on this season. Who even cares if they get the million dollars this year? At this point if they all make it out alive I’m calling it a win.

Tonight is ladies choice! So many eligible bachelors, how will they ever decide?

Terry remembers at this point America’s favorite host Ryan Devlin would start stirring up shit. So he asks Tevin if he would prefer to be standing up there next to Jasmine. Tevin’s mouth says he’s “happy” but his eyes say “call the police.”


Bria says Zak has been talking sh*t on all these girls that like him, and he even dared call  Nutsa “ditzy.”

Nutsa: I’m smart!
Also Nutsa:


Zak then calls Bria trash, which is funny because I was just thinking the same thing about him. Also can we get a rewind to about 5 minutes ago when he said she could trust him?

Sam still picks Zak, and I hope this is all some sort of elaborate John Tucker Must Die plot.

Sidenote: I do appreciate that Zak is playing the game. The whole point of Are You The One? is to get to know the other people to find your match. But Zak, you do not have to promise every girl you won’t hook up with anyone else. No one has a gun to your head! Sorry. Only Bria has a gun to your head! Just be open and honest and let the ladies know you want to swap bodily fluids with everyone, mmkay?

Moving on.

They get three beams again! Terry is already scolding them because they didn’t do better than last week. The gang heads back to the house to “get to know each other” and I head back to my dark place, attempting to come to terms with the state of the singles left in the world.

See you fools next week!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Season 7 Premiere Recap: Somebody Please Check On Zak

Hello and welcome, fellow trash TV fans! I am your official Are You The One? recapper this season, and I could not be more delighted to watch 22 people systematically ruin their lives for 10 weeks. Let’s dive right in!

We start off with me realizing that we’re in for a two hour premiere. Who do they think they are? Bachelor in Paradise?  WHY GOD, WHY?! Sidenote: how many hours of reality TV can a person watch in one week before their brain atrophies? Asking for a friend!

The show begins with all of the beautiful tragic people rushing into the house, and I see they’re back in Hawaii this season. I guess no one had an outstanding warrant this year! Small blessings.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around who everyone is but I can’t get past Nutsa’s voice, you guys. Prediction: Drawn to the end of their rope by Nutsa’s voice, the entire cast commits suicide before the season ends, leaving our squeaky little princess to collect the full million dollar prize.

She is also introducing herself like this:

“My name is Nutsa, call me Nuts or Nutsack, I don’t care!” Nutsack, you should care. So very, very much.  But just for that I’mma call you Nutsack all season. You said I could!

I’m living for Kayla stuffing her face while Cam asks her questions. It’s important to fuel up before a night of making out with multiple dudes! Everyone knows that.

Kenya is wasting no time and is proud of it. She took a “tour of the house” with Lewis, was making out with Moe, and is “connecting” with Tevin. But hey! How will you know what you want if you don’t test out all the merchandise? At least that’s what I tell the guy at 16 Handles as he begrudgingly hands over another sample cup.

Okay this makeout session between Kenya and Tevin is aggressive and unnatural. Is that how young people kiss now?

Enter Zak. Zak is already forgetting women’s names and claiming that the incorrect name he just called them was a nickname. Soon he will start calling every girl “babe” because he can’t keep them all straight. Bria, girl, MAKE HIM CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME!

Uh-oh, Bria says that her friends and family would absolutely say she’s crazy. Well, duh. She’s looking for love on an MTV show. I’m pretty sure the “experts” they use to find the perfect matches are actually just monkeys dressed in suits randomly pressing buttons on a keyboard. What’s that saying about monkeys typing Shakespeare? I feel like that was the rationale behind the casting process.

Bria is immediately a self-fulfilling prophecy and basically threatens a murder-suicide if Zak gets with anyone else. Moments after this conversation, Zak looks longingly at Kayla gyrating on the floor and says “Bria’s sexy but there’s a lot of sexy here.” America’s single gentlemen, friends! Scoop ‘em up while you can!

Not shockingly, Bria can read lips and can tell Zak is talking about other girls’ asses and is pretty pissed. I’m just going to take this opportunity and probably many more to say I TOLD YOU all that Bria was going to be a psycho. I should have bet money on it, because my Seamless orders won’t pay for themselves.

Cut to Cam and Kayla. Cam is telling Kayla that she is a “naturally incredible girl,” Don’t you just love how fast and furious those compliments come on night one? Like, before they actually know each other? Cam, just you wait until you are living together with three babies and Kayla’s yelling at you because you “stayed late at work again” but all you can focus on is the spit up on her shirt. THEN tell me if you still think she’s a naturally incredible girl, k?

Cam reveals that he’s a Republican and lol Kayla says in such a sweet voice, “Donald Trump is just not the nicest person in the world.” TBH this is probably the best thing anyone has ever said about him on TV. Can she get a tweet, Donny?

Kenya is asking Tevin about his prior relationships while straddling him. “They were great, I didn’t cheat, can I put my d*ck inside you now?” – Tevin

Now we’re back to Bria fighting with Zak for looking at the other girls.

Bria: I don’t want to be possessive, I’m not going to hold anyone hostage.
Also Bria: 

Samantha conveniently points out, “If you meet someone and you’re already fighting on night one you’re probably not a match.” Samantha, you’re too smart for this show. Go home now and make something of yourself!

We’ve made it to the next day, and the host, Terrence J, shows up. Clearly MTV has not received my signed petition and low-key threats encouraging them to bring Ryan Devlin back. Cool. I’ll try harder next time.

Terrence J announces a change to the show and it’s called the fate button. LOL so cute. If there was such a thing as fate I’d already be married to Jake Gyllenhaal and living in a gorgeous loft in Soho rolling around in my money, but fine, I’ll play along.

The fate button is basically like a slot machine that matches people up on group dates. So the cast’s odds of finding love are basically the same as me winning the penny slots in Atlantic City. FYI I’ve never left AC with my money or dignity intact, so this isn’t looking like a super solid plan. Then the cast picks a couple from the group date to go into the truth booth.

So I guess this means there are no challenges this season? I swear, the producers are getting lazier and lazier. It’s like their bosses asked them to come up with this season’s challenges and they were like, “actually we have an idea. Let’s throw a ton of alcohol at the cast, put Adderall in candy bowls, and install a big red button in the living room and see what happens!”

Zak, Tomas, Cali, and Maria are selected for the group date. And the fate button is selected by Bria for total destruction.

On the date they get to swim with the dolphins. Fun fact: dolphins are the sexual predators of the sea. I read it on Page Six

Zak previously said he only had eyes for Bria, but his hand on Maria’s thigh tells a different story. Maybe it’s okay cause their names rhyme? He tells her that Bria “is just like all my exes.” They start making out, and I’M CALLING THE POLICE. Can we get this girl some security like ASAP?! I’m worried for her safety. Hopefully Cam brought his gun!

Tomas likes Cali because she’s not like the girls he meets in Miami. “She doesn’t have fake tits.” What a beautiful compliment. Tomas really knows how to flatter a girl. Cali seems understandably skeptical.

Back at the house, Tevin is telling Kenya about his bird tattoo. Apparently his sister has a similar tattoo, and his bird has a feather from her bird in its mouth. Is that a metaphor or does he just want part of his sister in his mouth? I feel icky.

No Ragrets

The crew convenes in the living room to see who is going to go into the truth booth. Zak admits that he and Maria kissed, and Bria is filled with blind rage but is holding it in to use as a weapon later.

Maria and Tomas were voted into the truth booth. TBH this whole new process makes no sense. How will they strategize (lol)? At least last season they could get people they thought were matches on dates and then vote them into the truth booth. This season it’s just super random, or excuse me, based on fate. Which I must repeat for the people in the back IS NOT REAL.

M & T hit up the truth booth which pretends it’s scanning them with lasers but I’m pretty sure that’s just an MTV intern behind them getting paid $9 an hour to wave some flashlights. 

They are not a match! Which makes complete sense because they were randomly selected to go on a date by a red button, and then chosen to go into the truth booth by people that were about five to seven drinks into their day. 

After the truth booth, everyone gets back to the task at hand—getting so drunk they bring shame on generations of their family that haven’t even been born yet. Jasmine expresses interest in Tevin. Kenya warns her to stay in her lane and says she knows how to keep her man. Then she promptly takes Tevin to the bathroom and bangs him. Never tried that tactic myself, but I’m sure that’ll get someone to stick around. At least for a few extra minutes!

Bria takes Zak outside to cut off his balls with a dull butter knife. She’s mad he made her look stupid. He apologizes because he didn’t realize that a girl he made call him “papa” last night could be that invested in him.

Daniel is finally getting some airtime, and I’m wondering how old he actually is. He said he likes all the girls, especially the ones with the “P-H-A-T Phat” booties. He also wants someone to “get jiggy with.” Now I’m convinced he’s not under 40.

Even though Daniel speaks like he’s Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, he still manages to get almost all the women to make out with him, even Kenya. Tevin and his beautiful eyelashes are sad to see this.

Terrence J welcomes everyone to the matching ceremony and explains the usual rules. If they get zero matches it’s a blackout and their money decreases by half. I hope these contestants can do math because that’s a big ol’ number.

It’s a guys night to pick.

After a pause longer than Tevin and Kenya’s bathroom rendezvous, the cast gets three beams and they go home to take shots in celebration, as one does. 

Bria and Zak wake up together in the morning and all seems to be well with crazy and her Papa.

I spoke too soon. Immediately after getting up, Zak is talking to Morgan and Bria loses it again. Seriously though, how has this girl not had a brain aneurysm yet? The amount of rage in this one episode alone has got to do some damage. Unless she doesn’t have a brain…

Lewis thinks Bria needs a chill pill, but I think she needs a horse tranquilizer as I watch her beat down the door to the confessional where Zak is getting cozy with Morgan. Once again, can I point you to my pre-season prediction on Bria?

Bria scares Morgan out of the confessional and she and Zak make up. Damn, Zak is some kind of kinky, huh? He is LIVING for this.

Zak:  Maybe I like crazy relationships.

Okay lol moments later Zak is trying to get into Nutsack’s pants by telling her that he regrets not saving himself for marriage. Sure, Jan. Let’s be real, the only thing you regret is that case of crabs you got.

Bria is literally breaking down to Morgan and telling her she doesn’t want to be portrayed as wild. But like, then why’d you beat down a door?

Another night, another party. Kwasi and Lewis decide the house needs to have a luau. So basically the same thing as last night, only they’re wearing leis with their lingerie. It’s v classy. 

Kenya is literally grinding on everyone. That’s the kind of freedom having blind parents will give you. You go, girl.

Zak and Nutsack start making out in the middle of the room, and Lewis is all of us when he panics and warns them that Bria is right there. I’ve never seen such terror on someone’s face like that before. 

^Lewis at this party rn

The episode ends with Bria drowning her enemies in her a river of her tears. And that’s all for this week!

Images: Giphy (5)

6 Quick Ways To Get Your Summer Body In Shape

In the midst of a long-ass winter, a terrible Bachelor season, and basically the demise of the American political system, spring break is the light at the end of the tunnel. Whether you’ve been bikini shopping since November or you literally booked your Daytona beach flights yesterday, it’s safe to say we’re all stoked. If you’re panicking that your spring break body is gonna look like shit in your swimsuit after a winter of nachos and red wine, don’t overnight ship some sketchy tea cleanse just yet. It’s not too late to make sure you look your best when you’re getting trashed in some Airbnb in Punta Cana. Here are six legit last-minute things you can do to get your spring break body ready for break.

1. Put A Hold On Drinking

If you’re looking to cut some easy calories and reduce bloating in your body, you should prob cancel your pregame this weekend. Aside from the fact that drinking and drunk-eating can easily add, like, thousands of calories to your diet, alcohol itself is an inflammatory substance, which it means it can cause swelling in your body and make you bloated. Alcohol irritates your gastrointestinal system and can make you look puffier than you are. You’re gonna be drinking your weight in tequila at Señor Frog’s anyway, so give your body a break right now and let your tolerance lower a bit before you go away.

2. Stop Buying Diet Foods

When trying to diet, a lot of people gravitate towards labels that say shit like “diet,” “low-fat,” “gluten-free,” or “whole grains.” Here’s the thing about those labels, though. They’re ALL just marketing tactics. Foods that brand themselves as “healthy” or “diet” are usually not. Instead of grabbing the whole grain pita chips or the low-cal ice cream that’s filled with fake sugars and chemicals, stick with simple foods that don’t need labels to convince you they’re healthy. Think fruits, nuts, vegetables, quinoa, chicken, and fish. The less ingredients, the better.

3. Get Your Friends To Work Out With You

The only thing worse than making time to work out is knowing that you’re the only one doing it. Instead of going to the gym alone while your friends at happy hour, bribe convince them to go with you. Like, there’s nothing worse than holding a one-minute wall sit with no one there to be dying with you while simultaneously convincing you to keep going. You guys can actually hold each other accountable for showing up, and then have a buddy to suffer with. It’s a win-win. The rest of your friend group might hate you for bailing on plans, but you’ll both look so much better than everyone else in Miami. Worth it.

4. Look Tan Already

There’s a reason the Kardashians get spray tans the night before every photoshoot. Having a tan just makes you look better. It’s a fact. I know one of the perks of spring break is going somewhere warm and getting that bronze color to show off when you’re back at school, but if you can make yourself look somewhat tan beforehand, your body will naturally look so much better *and* you won’t have to risk getting melanoma. Whether it’s getting a spray tan or just ordering all white and neon-colored bikinis, try to look as tan as you can before you leave. It’s a game-changer.

5. Eat All Three Macronutrients 

If you’ve been eating kale salads and carrot sticks all month and you still haven’t seen any results, it could be because you’re not eating all three vital macronutrients. Macronutrients are the nutrients that provide energy and help your body function at its best, and they include carbs, fats, and protein. Think like, brown rice, salmon, and avocado. Carbs give you energy, fats keep you full, and protein helps your muscles and bones. When all three work together, you’re giving your body everything it needs to feel and look its best. It’s basically magic. Thanks, science.

6. Eat Gut-Friendly Foods

Everyone seems to be obsessed with gut health right now, and it’s not only because Kourtney Kardashian takes probiotics and apple cider vinegar everyday. The bacteria in your gut basically dictates how your body processes food, allowing you to gain or lose weight. If you feed your gut sources of good bacteria, found fermented foods, yogurt, kombucha, bone broth, or even probiotic capsules, you can help balance out your gut bacteria ratio, which will make your spring break body feel and look amazing.

Images: Bruce Christianson / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For January 29th-February 4th

January is the month that never ends, which is cool if you’re an Aquarius. The Sun, Mercury, and Venus are still all hanging out in Aquarius, which means all signs are more forward-thinking this week. By “forward-thinking,” I mean trying to make plans for when the month of January is finally fucking over.


Wednesday’s full moon could trigger a dispute with a close friend or coworker. That’s what full moons do; they fuck shit up. Fortunately, whatever tiff you encounter will be super brief. That’s great news because you have other fish to fry. Jupiter is still inspiring you to travel and, hey, it’s never too early to start planning spring break.


The Sun, Mercury, and Venus are all in Aquarius, but they’re also at the top of your chart. That’s super great news if you need some extra sympathy from your boss or professors. Plus, you’ll also be way more believable when you tell your superiors that you were on a really successful client lunch when you were actually pounding margaritas with an old sorority sister who happened to be in town.


You’ve got a lot going on at school or work or whatever shit occupies most of your time. Things are fast-paced as fuck this week. This is one of those times when you lay down at night and realize you haven’t really sat down all day. Like, WTF is that about? Keep in mind that Tuesday and Wednesday are clumsy days for you, as the full moon wreaks havoc on your ability to not spill things. Fun.


Guys, did you know that the government will legit come after you if you don’t pay taxes? Yeah, you actually have to take care of that shit. Basically, financial matters will stress you the fuck out this week. Pay special attention to your finances, especially around Wednesday’s full moon. If worst comes to worst, text dad to ask if his accountant can handle your shit too.


Spoiler alert, Wednesday’s full moon is the only full moon in your sign all year. Lucky Leo might not be so fucking lucky this week. The full moon magnifies emotions and also makes you clumsy AF. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself weeping in your cubical after spilling coffee on your desk. Things get a lot better after Wednesday, so don’t be too discouraged. You’re still a Leo, after all.


You can admit it. As a Virgo, you come off as a little snooty and may or may not be accused of having RBF. It’s not your fault your standards are so high. This week, you might get frustrated with your friends or boyfriend when you feel like they’re not living up to your expectations. Remember that it’s not you being a bitch, it’s Wednesday’s full moon. You’ll find a way to pull the stick out of your butt by the weekend.


Libras are in a romantic mood this week. You’re probably filling your Pinterest with wedding inspo. Don’t let things get too out of hand and slip to your boyfriend that you’ve already picked out wedding colors and made a seating chart. What, like it’s hard? The full moon on Wednesday will have your crazy clawing to get out. Keep the psycho on deep, deep lock.


Unfortunately, the full moon this week really takes its toll for a Scorpio betch. You’ll find yourself more likely to lash out at your roommates for fucking with the thermostat and taking up all the room in the refrigerator again. It’s also a good week to not forget your headphones when you’re in the office. You’ll fucking snap if you have to hear Lisa talk about her upcoming wedding again.


With fiery Mars in your sign, you’ll have a lot of energy. It’s best to find a constructive outlet for your stress, like working out or some shit. Just an idea. Also, as most signs have heightened emotions during Wednesday’s full moon, you’ll experience the opposite. Practice pretending to be empathetic when your roommate cries about how shitty her boyfriend is for the millionth time this year.


Don’t let your emotions fuck up your shit this week. You’ve got a lot on your plate that you need to focus on. If you have a friend or a relationship that’s stirring up drama like a KitchenAid mixer, it might behoove you to just leave that person on read until the weekend. There is no amount of notifications worth you getting distracted from the tasks at hand.


Wednesday’s full moon is the only one all year directly opposite your sign. You might have to be extra patient with others and keep the snide remarks to yourself, as you don’t want to cut down on the number of “happy birthdays” you get on Facebook. Still, the Sun in your sign makes you genuinely happy and energetic, no meds needed.


Some signs are having a real shitty week thanks to Wednesday’s full moon. But not you, Pisces. Thank fucking god, right? Anyway, Mars at the top of your chart will make you ambitious. It’s not a bad time to legitimately put your goals and your needs before those of others. Your efforts to succeed might make others bitter and jealous, but they can go fuck themselves.

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