Hello and welcome back to the few of you that have stuck around this long! Since it’s the penultimate episode (I pray), here’s a quick refresher of what’s happened so far this season in case you’ve been blacking out during the episodes: two couples have found their perfect match, Bria has put a curse on any girl who thought about Zak, Zak continues to bang anything in front of him, no one else knows what they’re doing, and I had a better chance at winning Mega Millions than they do of figuring this out in two weeks. Oh yeah, and last week we ended with Kwasi having a meltdown in the lap of a producer/bunny rabbit. Let’s begin!

It seems Kwasi survived, because we open on the morning, everyone tucked into their floor mattresses snug as a bug in a rug. Bria says that Jasmine kissing Cam “set Kwasi back a few steps.” By that does she mean he became a violent psychopath over one minor indiscretion? Because then I’d have to agree. Meanwhile, Kwasi has decided he’s done with Jasmine, and that Nutsa is really his match. While I don’t blame him for being into Nutsa, God’s gift to Are You The One, does he really think that after last night’s absolute emotional and physical meltdown she’s gonna be into it?

Outside, Andrew has pulled Cali aside because he’s actually trying hard to make new connections, but is still not trying hard enough with his sunscreen application. They seem to like each other fine, but I guess we’ll really know how much Cali likes him if she grinds on him at the next luau.

Then Brett pulls Bria aside, I guess because he’s always wondered what it would be like to have his liver cut out with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. Our poor, precious Nutsa is watching from afar, wondering what she did wrong. Nothing, Nutsa! You are perfect just as you are!

Inside, Daniel tells Sam he doesn’t think they are a perfect match because he has exes just like her. I’m sorry Daniel, but did you not see that Kenya’s perfect match and her ex were actually identical twins separated as babies, sent to live with different parents, only to discover each other’s existence years later at summer camp? So I don’t think you can rule anyone out just because they’re like your ex. MTV is not working that hard, bro.

Brett tells Nutsa he’s going to sit with Bria at the match up ceremony “not because she’s ahead,” but to switch it up.

It’s time for the match-up ceremony, so the boys have pulled out their best skinny jeans and they’re ready to start picking.

• Brett picks Bria. In the process, he says there was no spark with Nutsa and implies that she is not a person of substance. Go home Brett, you’re drunk.
• Kwasi picks Nutsa. Papa T asks her if she is still with Brett. Nutsa says Brett can go f*ck himself.  And then she gives us this beautiful piece of wisdom, “You can be the juiciest peach in the entire world, but there’s always somebody that just doesn’t like peaches.” PREACH, GIRL! Tell me, is it weird if I get a custom sign  made on Etsy with a quote I heard on a C-list reality show?
• Andrew picks Cali.
• Moe picks Kayla.
• Daniel picks Lauren.
• Tomas picks Jasmine.
• Lewis picks Asia. Wait, does this mean he’s decided she’s hot enough for him now?
• Cam picks Morgan.

It’s at this point that Maria, who has not been in the house since like WEEK 2, decides to call out the random couples. Um hi, but do you even know what’s going on in the house? Aren’t you busy plotting ways to get away from Shamoy by now? And then OF COURSE, Zak takes it upon himself to call out the “double standard” that he claims makes him out to be a villain, but when Jasmine kisses someone else on a date she’s just “playing the game.” Well first of all, how dare you. Second of all, you did that like 80 times this season Zak so it’s just a weeee bit different. And third of all, Ted Bundy also claimed he was unfairly accused and we all know how that ended. Look, I’m not saying Zak reminds me of one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, but I’m not not saying that, ya know?

AND THEN Zak says, “Kwasi just thinks Nutsa’s the better version of Jasmine.” Because he hasn’t made enough girls in this house cry yet. You’ve got one more week Zak, can you collect them all?!

It’s at this point Papa T and his floral shirt tells the gang he is disappointed in everyone beefing with each other, but after seeing their faces fall, he reminds them that they can still win! All they need is a little encouragement and to cheat as much as humanly possible. (Okay that last part was me).

• Zak picks Sam.

It’s time for the beams. Let’s see if these dummies can light it up! Lol and they can light it up but only dimly, because once again they only get four beams. When they don’t win this million dollars, can MTV throw me some of their leftover cash? I think I deserve it for watching this entire dumpster fire of a season.

Back at the house, people are not pleased.

Kwasi and Andrew rn:

Yes, that’s the way to find your perfect match. Terrify everyone so much that they don’t want to be near you.

After the rage portion of the evening has passed, our gang gets in a kumbaya circle and starts talking about everything that’s wrong with them. Hi guys! I’ve been doing that for you all season! Y’all should’ve learned to read and then I could have really saved you a lot of trouble.

Okay actually this circle is a little bit sad, and I don’t appreciate MTV serving me this realness rn. It’s not as fun to mock someone when you know they were abused as a child. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, PRODUCERS. Brb, I’m about to go do some emotional eating about other people’s problems. Who knew I was so empathetic?

Papa T shows up overjoyed that he’s almost made it to the end of his time introducing a big red button to a group of 20-something alcoholics. It’s time to figure out who’s going on the dates. This week, fate has decided to send Moe, Brett, Nutsa, and Lauren on a date so magically Hawaiian, it will be a real authentic experience they could have nowhere else.

Oh wait, they’re going jet skiing. I’m concerned for Nutsa’s safety, and rightfully so since she injures herself almost immediately. Like the f*ckboy gentleman he is, Brett gives her a ride on his jet ski. Not a euphemism.

During the hangout portion of the date, Brett promises Nutsa that he’s not going to hold back anymore. So now I’m obviously convinced they’re not a match. Anyone wanna bet?

Back at the house, the crew reconvenes to find out who is going in the truth booth. Papa T tells them “time is officially beginning to run out,” which is also what my OBGYN says to me everytime I visit her and it leaves me totally not stressed at all. Not even a little bit panicked. Completely fine. So I’m sure our gang feels the same.

And the crew has voted Brett and Nutsa into the truth booth! Jasmine says if they’re not a match it will really make her lose faith in that million dollars. Oh honey, you should have lost faith in that money the second Zak walked in the door, swinging his d*ck at anything that was remotely human-shaped. That’s on you.

And once again, we’re left on a cliff hanger! It’s like MTV is DARING ME to burn down their headquarters in a white rage. Next week is it you guys, so we’ll find out if Brett and Nutsa are a match, and if the whole damn crew can manage to come up with their perfect matches with money on the line. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and the hellmouth will finally swallow them up. See you all next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

Hi friends! Welcome back to another week of Are You The One: We’re Tricking Morons Into Believing Fate is Real. Shall we dive right in?

We’re back at the house right after the matchup ceremony, and immediately this show is testing my very shaky sanity because we have Zak and Bria both claiming they are officially done with one another.

Me:

In an attempt to prove they are over each other, Bria declares she has respect for herself and then immediately licks chocolate sauce off another girl’s crotch, while Zak unsuccessfully tries to make out with Sam in the pool. Sadly for Zak, Sam was born with the entirety of her brain intact and she figures out he’s just trying to make out with her to piss Bria off. Who, him?! Poor, innocent, misunderstood Zak?! Never!

But seriously, let’s keep our eyes on Sam here. She’s literally the Stephen Hawking to these court jesters.

Maria and Shamoy are talking about how they’re into each other in the kitchen, and Andrew, the grown man who forgot to put sunscreen on in Hawaii, thinks they are a match. So it’s definitely going to be true.

We move on to a really weird shower scene between Maria and Shamoy. Guys, just take your own shower or shower together. It’s not a hard decision! It’s like when me and my friends are trying to decide where to go to dinner and no one will actually give their opinion and we end up at Chili’s again. Except for in that scenario no one is naked.

We’ve made it to the next morning and no one had to have their stomach pumped. Blessings.

Asia decides to wake up Lewis at 8am after a night of heavy drinking and tell him she made him breakfast. That’s sweet and all, but like, you couldn’t wait until the sun came up? Nobody wants an early riser for the rest of their life. *shudders*. Lewis earnestly tells Asia she’s the real MVP as she spills his coffee everywhere. A little coffee for Lewis, a little coffee for the counter, a little for Lewis, a lot for the counter. A real housewife in the making, ladies and gentleman.

Brett and Cali finally get some screen time and they choose to use it to discuss what kind of animal they would be. Brett says a monkey and I’m just going to assume he means Marcel from Friends because that monkey lived, you know?

Brett also admits he is into Cali and they tell each other something no one in the house would know about them. Brett has had three surgeries, but apparently no haircuts ever. Cali admits to loving spicy food and how it makes her sh*t her brains out; she calls them “spicy poops.” Ah, young love. Is anything sweeter than talking about your bowel troubles? I have to admit I appreciate this conversation between them because at least I don’t have to figure out a new way to write “and then Bria went crazy.”

Over by the pool, Tevin and Asia are chatting. Tevin spills the beans that Kenya gave head to Asia’s beloved Lewis. He says she “topped him off.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Needless to say, Asia is pissed. She didn’t top off Lewis’s coffee to have someone else top off his d*ck.

Samantha, Cali, and Morgan are sitting around talking about how they’re into Daniel. Sam says he’s her first choice and she’s really into him because he’s sweaty. SWEATY! SAM. Do you want me to take back all the nice things I said about you?

Terry shows up and reminds them of the fate button. It’s cute how he shows off the fate button like it’s a brand new Kia on The Price is Right. It’s almost like he knows he’ll need a fallback plan when this show is inevitably cancelled after someone dies of alcohol poisoning.

The Devil Fate chooses Lewis, Shamoy, Maria, and Lauren. The whole room is pumped up because they want Shamoy and Maria in the truth booth. How FUNNY and COINCIDENTAL that the fate button chose a couple that the producers want to get in there. Isn’t fate just so CRAZY?!

The date is a horseback ride but it’s super foggy. Is it just me or is this giving off serious Sleepy Hollow vibes? Maybe someone will lose their head!

Lewis is nervous about riding and Lauren tells him he better calm down because horses can smell your fear. And I would remind you so can the homeless man on the subway mumbling about what color you see when you die. And that’s today’s public service announcement.  Anyway, as everyone who has even briefly encountered me knows, I had a bad experience with a horse named Huckleberry many years ago, so to Lewis I say, RUN! Get out now!

Maria makes Shamoy take his shirt off for the ride and now I’m concerned that this is turning into a very low-budget porno. Or wait, is this already a very low-budget porno? MTV, I’ll be waiting for your official statement.

OMG Lauren’s horse freaks out and she falls off, and I am getting serious flashbacks here. Is this f*cker’s name Huckleberry?! I thought he’d be dead by now.

Meanwhile, everyone back at the house and safely on the ground is picking Maria and Shamoy to go into the truth booth.

Maria and Shamoy are enjoying their date and are into each other. She tells him she wants him to be more aggressive. I’m sure this will come back to haunt us all.

Meanwhile, Asia is walking around telling everyone in the house that Kenya gave Lewis a good ol’ BJ. She’s definitely the friend you tell a secret to and say “but don’t tell anyone,” and then she goes and tells everyone she knows.

Sweaty Daniel fashions up some makeshift fishing poles and takes Samantha on a little date to catch crabs with meat. He literally just said “I hear this is the best time to catch crabs.” Ironically, that’s exactly what Sam says to him later when she convinces him to use a condom.

Terry comes in and announces it’s time for the truth booth. To no one’s surprise, Shamoy and Maria are heading to the little shack that will tell them if they are meant to be.

And they’re a perfect match! I’m shocked TBH. Which producer did Maria have to seduce to get that result?

The house celebrates, and I told you that Maria’s directive to Shamoy to be more aggressive would come back to haunt us, as he begins to dry hump her on the couch to everyone’s delight. And this is the part where I clawed my eyes out so I’m gonna have to end this recap right here. Bye!

Cali screams out “You know what this means? This means that fate is f*cking real!” And that’s how I know they’ve all drank themselves into brain damage.

Brett and Cali make out in the hot tub and then Cali briefly goes inside, I assume to have a spicy poop, and when Brett comes in he sees her talking to Zak even though she was supposed to come back out to the hot tub. What he doesn’t hear is that Zak literally just told Cali that she reminds him of his sister. Which I think means he’s not hitting on her? Unless he thinks his sister is hot. Can someone pls confirm?

Brett immediately loses his sh*t and starts screaming at Zak and Cali.  Lol I appreciate that Cali is straight-up like “I’m pretty drunk so I forgot I was supposed to meet him in the hot tub.” Same girl, same.

Brett and Cali start yelling at each other, but no one is making much sense because they are both very inebriated. Brett tells us in the confessional that he doesn’t usually lose his cool, and I believe that as much as I believe myself when I look in the mirror  in the morning and say “today is going to be a good day.” Especially since I’m staring at the words “The Jealous Type” right under his name. The jealous ones are never the chill ones. The jealous ones are the ones that are incarcerated.

Cali continues to call Brett “Zak” during this argument and I’m distressed because we do not need Zak’s ego getting any bigger at this point.

We’ve made it to the morning and Brett is feeling a little stupid over what happened the night before. I’ll tell ya what Brett, get yourself a pork roll, egg, and cheese, and verbally abuse yourself for about 7-9 days and that guilt will clear right up. Trust me, I know.

Outside, Tevin is trying to clean up the mess he created. He’s admitting to Kenya that he told Asia that she hooked up with Lewis.

Tevin: I think I might have started some sh*t
Me: 

Lewis pulls Asia aside, because he doesn’t really understand why she’s so pissed. Kenya comes over and starts yelling at Asia, so naturally Lewis invites her to sit down. Asia is basically mad that no one ever told her the two of them hooked up. Kenya tries to defend herself by saying “well it wasn’t romantic it was just a blow job.” Did she get that line from my ex?

Kenya claims that Asia never told her or Lewis that she liked Lewis in that way. And Lewis is just sitting there with these two hot girls fighting over him like this:

Lewis is just now realizing that perhaps Asia has feelings for him and he’s not sure she’s his match, which basically just means he wants to swap bodily fluids with more girls in the house before settling down. When we leave the convo all is well between Asia and Kenya. And now we have finally have world peace!

We’ve made it to the matchup ceremony, and Terry is thrilled because these dummies have figured out a perfect match. Ryan Devlin would never show so much emotion about something so stupid, Terry. Pull it together, man!

This week the guy’s pick their perfect matches, and I’m sure they won’t f*ck this up at all. 

Lewis picks Asia. Now that she’s wearing an outfit that shows off her labia I guess he’s finally into her? Asia then tells Terry about the Kenya and Lewis hookup because he’s the only person on Earth besides her mom’s sister’s cousin who she has left to tell.  

Cam picks Kayla.

Tevin picks Kenya.

Daniel picks Samantha.

Brett is next, and I swear that thick hair is cutting off the oxygen to his brain. He picks Cali, but she’s clearly not over the other night. The whole exchange goes like this:

Cali: 

Brett: My perfect match is Cali.
Me: Cool cool cool.

Andrew picks Lauren.

Tomas picks Bria.

Kwasi picks Jasmine.

Moe picks Nutsa and she complains that all he does around the house is clean and cook and I’m wondering how that’s a bad thing? Like, could Moe come to my house pls? I’ve got pizza boxes that aren’t going throw themselves out. 

Zak picks Morgan.

The crew gets three beams again (including the perfect match beam of Shamoy and Maria) and Papa Terry is not pleased. But he does have a surprise for them. Terry announces that instead of four people going on a date next week, they will all be going on an overnight relationship rehab, which I’m pretty sure is just code for a bang fest. Everyone heads back to the house to pack their lingerie, whipped cream, and condoms.

And we out!

Images: Giphy (5)

Hooray for cocktails! Honestly, we feel v classy while sitting and sippin’ on something colorful and cute. It’s like, who we are as people. But we don’t feel cute come the splitting headache, irritability (more than usual), general feeling that we’re dying, and potential for barfing in our eggs benedict at brunch the next morning. Yes, drinking is fun, but hangovers are the worst. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice we grapple with every day. Since the beginning of time (I assume), people have been looking for how to drink without getting hungover. In general, to avoid a hangover, stick with vodka and gin, plain and simple. Additionally, the higher shelf the liquor is, the better, since the filtration processes are going to remove more unwanted shit. So, when given the choice between Grey Goose and Dubra (FLASHBACK FLASHBACK HELP), go ahead and splurge on the Grey Goose.

Secondly, your mixer should be natural and/or sugar-free. So, carbonated water, unflavored soda, and pure fruit choices are going to be the best choices if you want a weekend that doesn’t require you to inhale a pizza to feel better. Don’t want to do any brain work and figure out a cocktail using the above tips? I did it for you. These cocktails will help you along your journey of figuring outhow to drink without getting hungover, Or like, more accurately, how to drink without getting *as* hungover. Don’t chug twice as many vodka waters as you normally would and @ me. That’s not how this works.

1. Vodka Soda

YAS QUEEN YAS. No one should be surprised that the reigning queen of betchy drinks, the low-calorie vodka soda, can do no wrong in terms of hangovers, either. Since vodka has almost no congeners, which is a fancy name for added shit, it doesn’t contribute as badly to the Sunday morning regrets (in terms of your body … not who you texted). Add in soda water, which has no sugar, and you’re well on your way to having a headache-free morning. Praise be.

2. Sea Breeze

Since this cocktail sounds like the given name of a 1980s cruise ship, you probably aren’t too familiar with it. SURPRISE, SURPRISE—it’s our old friend, vodka, with grapefruit and cranberry juice, coming in HOT for a hangover-free weekend. As we know from extensive research, vodka is the best choice in liquor for avoiding a hangover. Add in some real cranberry juice (not cranberry juice cocktail) and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice for a refreshing combo that 1985 would be proud of. Break out the shoulder pads.

3. Tom Collins

You know a cocktail’s gonna be good when it sounds like a fancy British man. The Tom Collins combines gin, lemon juice, sugar, and carbonated water. Gin is a clear liquor (or like, blue), so it’s a good option that won’t make you as hungover. Lemon juice has pretty much no sugar—same goes for carbonated water, so we’re in the clear there. The sugar can pose a bit of a problem, but if you’re making the cocktail yourself, just chill on the sweet shit and you should be fine. This is like the adult’s answer to lemonade.

4. Martini

Wanna pretend you’re on Mad Men and lacking in basic human rights? Time to pound a martini! The classic gin martini (vodka martinis are delicious but they are for trash people … although that probs won’t give you a hangover either) is essentially a splash of dry vermouth (not enough to even matter) with gin and an olive or lemon peel. No sugar here. I mean, this is literally a glorified shot in a bigger glass.

5. Gin & Tonic

Remember: If you drink gin and tonics you may be a psycho, but you probably won’t get that hungover. Tonic has a fuckton of sodium, so you may bloat, but the lack of sugar in the gin or the tonic means you’re pretty well on your way to not throwing up at brunch again.

Images: Kaizen Nguyen / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

In the midst of a long-ass winter, a terrible Bachelor season, and basically the demise of the American political system, spring break is the light at the end of the tunnel. Whether you’ve been bikini shopping since November or you literally booked your Daytona beach flights yesterday, it’s safe to say we’re all stoked. If you’re panicking that your spring break body is gonna look like shit in your swimsuit after a winter of nachos and red wine, don’t overnight ship some sketchy tea cleanse just yet. It’s not too late to make sure you look your best when you’re getting trashed in some Airbnb in Punta Cana. Here are six legit last-minute things you can do to get your spring break body ready for break.

1. Put A Hold On Drinking

If you’re looking to cut some easy calories and reduce bloating in your body, you should prob cancel your pregame this weekend. Aside from the fact that drinking and drunk-eating can easily add, like, thousands of calories to your diet, alcohol itself is an inflammatory substance, which it means it can cause swelling in your body and make you bloated. Alcohol irritates your gastrointestinal system and can make you look puffier than you are. You’re gonna be drinking your weight in tequila at Señor Frog’s anyway, so give your body a break right now and let your tolerance lower a bit before you go away.

2. Stop Buying Diet Foods

When trying to diet, a lot of people gravitate towards labels that say shit like “diet,” “low-fat,” “gluten-free,” or “whole grains.” Here’s the thing about those labels, though. They’re ALL just marketing tactics. Foods that brand themselves as “healthy” or “diet” are usually not. Instead of grabbing the whole grain pita chips or the low-cal ice cream that’s filled with fake sugars and chemicals, stick with simple foods that don’t need labels to convince you they’re healthy. Think fruits, nuts, vegetables, quinoa, chicken, and fish. The less ingredients, the better.

3. Get Your Friends To Work Out With You

The only thing worse than making time to work out is knowing that you’re the only one doing it. Instead of going to the gym alone while your friends at happy hour, bribe convince them to go with you. Like, there’s nothing worse than holding a one-minute wall sit with no one there to be dying with you while simultaneously convincing you to keep going. You guys can actually hold each other accountable for showing up, and then have a buddy to suffer with. It’s a win-win. The rest of your friend group might hate you for bailing on plans, but you’ll both look so much better than everyone else in Miami. Worth it.

4. Look Tan Already

There’s a reason the Kardashians get spray tans the night before every photoshoot. Having a tan just makes you look better. It’s a fact. I know one of the perks of spring break is going somewhere warm and getting that bronze color to show off when you’re back at school, but if you can make yourself look somewhat tan beforehand, your body will naturally look so much better *and* you won’t have to risk getting melanoma. Whether it’s getting a spray tan or just ordering all white and neon-colored bikinis, try to look as tan as you can before you leave. It’s a game-changer.

5. Eat All Three Macronutrients 

If you’ve been eating kale salads and carrot sticks all month and you still haven’t seen any results, it could be because you’re not eating all three vital macronutrients. Macronutrients are the nutrients that provide energy and help your body function at its best, and they include carbs, fats, and protein. Think like, brown rice, salmon, and avocado. Carbs give you energy, fats keep you full, and protein helps your muscles and bones. When all three work together, you’re giving your body everything it needs to feel and look its best. It’s basically magic. Thanks, science.

6. Eat Gut-Friendly Foods

Everyone seems to be obsessed with gut health right now, and it’s not only because Kourtney Kardashian takes probiotics and apple cider vinegar everyday. The bacteria in your gut basically dictates how your body processes food, allowing you to gain or lose weight. If you feed your gut sources of good bacteria, found fermented foods, yogurt, kombucha, bone broth, or even probiotic capsules, you can help balance out your gut bacteria ratio, which will make your spring break body feel and look amazing.

Images: Bruce Christianson / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

This weekend, a fuckton of planets are hanging out in Capricorn: Venus, Mars, Saturn and Pluto. Oh, the Sun is in Capricorn too. That combination could mean your Friday night does not go as planned, so just don’t get your hopes up. Likewise, if any surprises are on the way, they’ll hit you right where it hurts on Saturday and Sunday. If there was a weekend to Netflix and actually chill, this might be it.

Aries

The moon in Sagittarius is making you restless and in search of adventure this weekend. You’ve been really distracted from the shit you actually need to get done during the week, so it’s best if you do something this weekend that will get that energy out so you can somewhat focus again by Monday.

Taurus

Your weekend horoscope calls for a lot of introspection. You might be going a little stir crazy from avoiding the winter weather by staying indoors, so getting out, even if it’s just to fucking finally make it to the gym, will do your mind a lot of good. Clearing out the cobwebs on your stationary bike will do wonders for clearing out the cobwebs in your head.

Gemini

It’s been a really long time since you’ve been as sexually satisfied as you are now. Even if it’s just the self-love you’ve been getting, things are all right down under. No, not Australia. Anyway, don’t get caught up in wanting to over-discuss aspects of your sex life with others this weekend, even with your partner. Just let the good times roll and save the therapy talk for your shrink.

Cancer

You continue your quest to strengthen your partnerships this weekend. Instead of throwing a bitch fit about not getting your way, this weekend you’ll be weirdly motivated to put others before yourself for the sake of preserving relationships. I guess you don’t get to pick the restaurant Friday night, but whatever.

Leo

Your weekend starts off really fun on Friday with the Moon in Sagittarius in your fifth house. Even though you’ve got to finish up the daily grind on Friday before the fun weekend activities can start, your vibes are going to be super attractive to those around you. Say hello to a weekend of invites, because people just really want to be around you. NBD.

Virgo

Your love life has been pretty happy-go-lucky lately. This weekend, troubled waters could be ahead as shit gets real Saturday or Sunday. A surprise situation will have you getting down with serious conversations. Something as simple as who’s grabbing the check at dinner could spark a total come-apart. Be forewarned.

Libra

Don’t drunkenly go to bed this weekend without charging your phone. There are important messages on the way. The moon in Saturn is in your third house of communication, so others are really drawn to sharing things with you. Some shit is going down this weekend, and if you just shut the fuck up, everyone will spill the secrets of their soul to you.

Scorpio

You’ve been on your best behavior with how you’re really feeling lately. You haven’t wanted to cause a stir or hurt anyone’s feelings, so you’ve been keeping your lips sealed. Liquid courage this weekend is more likely to start the word vomit. If you hate your bestie’s boyfriend and haven’t told her, or you think your boyfriend’s haircut sucks, do your best to avoid those people this weekend. Er, don’t drink around them at least.

Sagittarius

You’ve been smart with your money lately. You keep checking your bank account thinking, “there’s no way that much should be in there.” Don’t blow it all this weekend, though. There are challenges up ahead that you’ll want to get through with some retail therapy. Keep your rainy day fund full, because no one can avoid shitty weather forever, right?

Capricorn

Image is a big fucking deal to you. How you look on the socials, hell, even how your boyfriend looks on socials is pretty important. That’s fine, but don’t let it get in the way of having some real, un-filtered moments this weekend. There’s more to life than getting the right picture for Insta. But, like, if you look really cute you should post it anyway. Obvi.

Aquarius

Your status for the past few weeks could be described as “Hermit AF”. You’ve done more staying in than going out. Hey, we all get boring sometimes. I mean, probably more you than me, but whatever. Someone in your life feels like with all your “me time”, you’ve been ignoring them. Try to make the effort to reconnect or some shit this weekend.

Pisces

Your socializing this weekend could come with a big price tag. You have a lot you’ve been invited to do now that everyone is over their holiday hangover and back to their normal weekly hangover. Keep an eye on the old bank account this weekend and go back and check for unpaid bills so you can still afford to go to happy hour come Monday.

Images: Andre Hunter / Unsplash; Giphy ( 6 )

This week on Betch Slapped, Sami and Jordana discuss the Golden Globes and how everyone on Vanderpump Rules is a cheating lunatic. They discuss vacation Instagrams and why they’re ruining our culture. They answer a question from a listener whose best friend and boyfriend are creating a ‘throuple’ that is getting out of hand. They play games involving Oprah, Reese Witherspoon, and Frances McDormand and discuss the various scenarios they’d prefer based on this year’s Golden Globes.

Subscribe to Betch Slapped on iTunes and listen on Spotify!

Image: Ishan @seefromthesky / Unsplash

For bros who lack creativity, getting engaged around the holidays is a great idea. Nothing gets you out of buying the amount of gifts she actually deserves then putting a ring under the tree/Hannukah bush/Kwanzaa lantern (idk if that’s what it is and I apologize for my cultural ineptitude).

But we have a few rules both for the proposer and the proposee—especially as it pertains to getting engaged around the holidays. Sure, it’s kind of a cop-out, but you can still make it Insta-worthy and cute if you follow the fucking rules. You wouldn’t get engaged without asking your friends first, right? Right.

DON’T

Propose in the snow without having the ring securely fastened to something: This is kind of a no-brainer, but whoever is doing the proposing is probs SO NERVOUS that they’re likely to forget this v important step. PLEASE make sure that the ring I assume you spent a lot of money on is securely fastened to your hand, a box, a pillow, a flock of doves—whatever. Just make sure you don’t drop that shit in the snow.

Forget to have private time: I know the holidays are a time when gramma’s hugs, platters of cookies, mommy doing your laundry, and asking daddy for money all run together over the course of probably like, 120 hours. That’s great, but if you’re adding a proposal into that mix, make sure you have a sec to step away and like, enjoy the fact that you’re about to ruin your lives with marriage. YAY.

Propose in front of 9834785687687 people (unless she straight-up wants that): Ummm, so not all relationships are as loved and accepted as others. If you’re planning on proposing around the holidays, get the OKAY from her fam before you get down on one knee in front of them. I mean, nothing would be funnier than her sister crying and screaming IT’S NOT FAIR, her father getting shotgun, and her mom pouring another glass of wine, but if you AREN’T into that, maybe make sure you’re good to go first.

DO

Involve family: Like we said, if you get the okay to propose in front of family, def do that (if you both are happy with that). If you opt for the quieter proposal, like, in some bushes or something, make sure to head back to the house full of relatives wearing Santa hats and smiles so you can all chug eggnog till you puke. Oh, and make sure families know BEFORE you put anything on social media. That’s just a surefire way to piss gramma off if you fuck that up.

Look hot: Whether you (the person getting proposed to) are suspicious about a proposal or not, make sure you look great. This shit is gonna get Facebooked, Snapped, Instagrammed, Tweeted, and whatever the fuck else you kids do nowadays. Get your nails did, wear a cute scarf, and be sure to do the whole Miss America hand-over-mouth “OH MY GAWWWWDDD” fake cry thing. Makes for a great photo.

Get a lil tacky with it: My cousin’s bf at the time decided to hang her 2 ct. solitaire (I KNOW) on the tree, and she missed it for 2 hrs until he yelled LOOK AT THE FUCKING TREE. I imagine it was kind of a nightmare for him at the time, but it makes for a great story now. If you’re the one proposing, don’t be afraid to get weird and creative with menorahs and Christmas trees or mistletoe. If you’re the one being proposed to and find a giant ring in one of these predicaments—embrace it.