So apparently the CDC is announcing that fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a mask outdoors. And while all you sheeple might be rejoicing over being able to get Vitamin D to the lower half of your face and actually see what people look like when you pass them on the street, I’m not going to blindly follow some rules set forth by the government, even if they are in my best interest. I simply won’t do it. I won’t take off the mask! You can’t make me. I have freedoms, dammit, and rights, and I won’t be changing my behavior because a bunch of people with medical degrees tell me to. I went to a private liberal arts college to get a bachelors in creative writing, I’m no dummy!
Sue me, but I like wearing the mask, especially outdoors. I like that I can mouth along to my favorite Taylor Swift song while walking to the grocery store and nobody can tell what I’m doing under there. I also enjoy that I can make all the judgey facial expressions I want, and no one is the wiser! Is that such a crime?? Plus, if we’re being honest, I’ve gotten some killer maskne around my chin and upper lip, and I’m just not ready to debut that to the world yet. That tiny piece of cloth is cute, it’s breathable, and it hides half of my face from the world. If I want to keep it on forever, I’m going to do just that! And if I also want to drink a hard seltzer while walking down the street, I’m going to do that too, because last time I checked, this was a free country. (It goes without saying that I am white.) Laws? Never heard of ‘em!
Speaking of the CDC, how can we believe a single thing they say when they’re constantly updating the information as new research comes out? I like my guidelines like I like my Constitutional amendments: not updated in hundreds of years, even though we are in dire need of change.
Where are they getting this so-called information from, anyway? Oh, what, peer reviewed studies from the brightest minds in the field? Then how come I haven’t seen a single one of my high school friends post about it, hmm?
So you’re telling me it’s just a coincidence that, just in time for summer, when we’re sweating and our skin is oilier than ever—that’s when it’s suddenly okay to take the mask off outside? When we need more foundation to cover up our blemishes, different shades of foundation to go along with our tans, not to mention SPF?? How convenient! Seems like a ploy from Big Makeup to get us to buy more beauty products to me. Open your eyes!
You all have fun believing whatever the “scientists” tell you to believe. My friend from high school, Jenna (well actually, she’s not really a friend—in fact, she once told the whole school I was a slut despite the fact that I’d never even kissed anybody, but we just randomly got back in touch), who has a small business selling vegan cosmetics, is looking out for me. Unlike these scientists who just want to make more money. Yes, Jenna earns a small commission off every purchase of the $60 mascara and $45 eyeshadow, what of it? She said I’d be great at what she does, and it only costs a small startup fee of $99!
Go ahead, laugh. But when you get judgey looks for coughing into your elbow sans covering and swear it’s just allergies, don’t come crying to me.
Images: Yury Goryanoy /Stocksy
If you felt the sudden urge to be petty af today, or to hit up your ex boyfriend just to confuse him, that’s probably because it is Taylor Swift’s birthday. We’ve seen Taylor grow from a 16-year-old country music star with impossibly curly hair to a 28-eight-year-old pop music graveyard girl with shorter impossibly curly hair. It’s kind of inspiring. Being that Taylor is almost 30 (gasp!!!), it’s probably time she update some of her more teenager-ey tunes to reflect her late-twenties lifestyle. You know, replacing the references to high school with references to LinkedIn, and adding in more lines about how you thought you’d be married or have a house by now, but instead you still have 5 roommates and are trolling for dick on Hinge. Inspiring stuff.
Anyway, to help welcome Taylor into the world of old millennials, we’ve updated the lyrics to her song “22” to reflect her new 28-year-old lifestyle. It’s a lot less dressing up like hipsters and clubbing, and a lot more putting on sweatpants (because your metabolism has slowed down irreparably and they’re the only thing that fit you right now) and texting your mom about how sad you are. It’s honestly better than it sounds.
“28” by Taylor Swift (sort of)
It feels like the perfect night to put on pajamas
And binge watch Netflix uh, uh, uh uh
It feels like the perfect night to but shit off Amazon
And fall asleep early, oh yeah
Yeah, we’re anxious depressed overworked and hangry at the same time
It’s miserable and miserable oh yeahhhh
Oh fuck I realized I forgot all my deadlines, oh shit
Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight
I cancel basically all my plans now, you’re lucky I came out
You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty
I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll act fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight (twenty-eight)
It seems like one of those nights
I’m leaving early. This place is too crowded. Too many college kids, uh uh, uh uh
It seems like one of those nights
We Irish goodbye
And drink some boxed wine
Yeah
Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight
I cancel basically all my plans now, so you’re lucky I came out
You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty
I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll be fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight
Recently I’ve been reading a lot of articles on how to order from a restaurant wine list like a pro, because I clearly will do anything to avoid doing any actual work at my place of work. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from reading these blatant and offensive lies articles, it’s that they literally know shit about ordering wine. Now, I’m no sommelier, but I do drink wine like it’s water frequently, so I know a thing or two about ordering a glass of it at a restaurant. I mean, is there a healthy dose of shame involved with my ordering process? Yes. But will you enjoy the best damn glass of wine you’ve ever had in your life? Honestly, it’s unclear. See, I think I have ESPN or something, because I can basically read minds when it comes to people’s wine orders. So, just for fun, here’s a look at what actually goes through your mind when you try to order wine at a restaurant like a pro someone who’s only there for the happy hour drink prices.
*finds spot right at bar* So blessed, so moved, so grateful. Can’t believe this is my life.
Okay, now what am I in the mood to drink? I don’t necessarily want to spend 2-3 hours in the fetal position, backwards, stalking my ex on Insta, and crying into my Easy Mac, so maybe I’ll just stick with white tonight? Or at least start with it. Yeah, that sounds v responsible.
Hmm is there a happy hour price listed anywhere or…?
Wait… is that the happy price? Are you fucking kidding me? TWELVE dollars for a glass of Pinot Grigio?
Were the grapes dipped in gold or something? Was it infused with the elixir of life? ‘Cause that’s the only way I’m paying for 12 fucking dollars of this shit.
This is the cheapest thing on the menu, isn’t it? This is what I get for moving the happy hour to Williamsburg. Fuck this hipster nonsense. I’m out of here. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life rn.
Sighs. Bartender? Yes, I’ll have one glass you can just fuck me up rn.
That’s cute that the bartender wants to tell me about each wine on the menu. It’s like he doesn’t think I’m a human trash chute broke and will drink anything.
Anddd he’s still going. Okay, Kevin, I get the picture. There’s a lot of wine here. I was tipped off by the “wine bar” sign out front. You can stop with the monologue now.
Why is he asking me so many questions? What do I look for in a wine? High alcohol content. Obviously.
Whatever. At least he’s pretty.
Wait. Maybe all of these questions means he’s flirting with me??
Nope. This is purely about the wine list. Should not have made that pun about how I like my wine dark and full-bodied…
Ugh, I hate when they ask me to “sample” the wine. What am I supposed to say here? “Mmm, yes, this definitely tastes like 12 dollars I will never see again”? Don’t embarrass me like this, Kevin. I thought we had something here!
Fuck, I just dribbled this shit down my chin while I was sampling. See, THIS is why I don’t sample shit.
Lol, did he just ask me if he could interest me in a bottle? What, does he think I just came here to drink one glass and leave? I’m not a monster.
Wait this wine actually isn’t half bad. Is this what life on the other side of $8 looks life? I’m a changed woman. I’m never going back to my old ways, until I see the check.
Do I want another? On the one hand it’s expensive AF, but on the other hand I hate my job, apartment, and romantic prospects so… it’s a tough call.
Whatever. It’s Wednesday, I’ve made it through three consecutive days of work without wanting to jump into oncoming traffic. I deserve this. I’ve earned this. It’s time to drink so much wine that I’m filled with shame and regret when I look at myself in the mirror tomorrow treat myself.
By now you’re probably pretty familiar with the whole “Russia interfered in our election to make Donald Trump president” thing. Now, given the fact that Don Jr. literally leaked his own nudes incriminating emails and will probably face zero consequences, the Russians are getting even bolder. Like, Jared Kushner literally met with a Russian lawyer for dirt on Hillary, tried to create a secret backchannel between the U.S government and Russia, and left over 100 foreign nationals off his security form and he still has top level security clearance. The Russians are winning, not because we’re better than them, but because we’re literally not fighting back in any way. And I mean, if they can come for our democracy, what else can the come for? Our Netflix subscriptions? Our BOYFRIENDS?!?!
That’s right, betches, the Russians are coming for your relationship and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. All we can do is sit around and wait until some woman named Svetlana with incredible cheekbones starts popping up on your discover page, liking all your man’s stuff and posting heart-eye emoji comments. Next thing you know, you’ll be coming home to her feeding him beef stroganoff and find out all your computer passwords have been compromised. Don’t believe me? Watch this:
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Co-existing with people who expect you to care about their lives is exhausting. There are barely enough hours in the day to manage your own rigorous schedule of sleeping, watching Netflix and blacking out to fit in any real emotional commitments in between. But as we all know, other people are extremely selfish and will actually get upset if you don’t wish them a happy birthday or tell them their new haircut doesn’t look like shit when it actually does. It’s just take, take, take and while it’s unfair, it’s something we soulless people have to deal with. Here’s our guide to pretending you have emotions without actually having to feel things because no thanks:
Look up from your phone every three minutes while someone is telling a story, so they think there’s a chance you could be listening. Occasionally nod or add, “no way!” to really give the appearance that you are paying attention/give a shit.
When there’s drama in the group chat because someone got ghosted, text something moderately sympathetic like “that sucks” before muting the thread.
Prevent someone from hugging you by telling them you’re sick and it’s nothing personal, but you don’t want to give them anything. You’ll look so caring and proactive about another person’s health, so in other words you’ll basically be Mother Teresa.
Add an exclamation point to your “no thanks” when a friend asks if you’re around to talk about something that’s been bothering her lately. If she guilts you about it, say you’re “maybe free in a couple of hours” or “on Sunday,” knowing full well you’ll both forget by then.
Let a nice guy down easy by recommending a less cool/attractive girl he could try dating. And then offer to “put in a good word,” even if you don’t know the girl personally.
Conceal your joy in cancelling important plans by explaining how “jealous” you are of all the “fun” they’re going to have. Maybe even reply to a Snapchat or two with “omggggg dying” to hammer it home.
Post an Insta about how grateful you are for everything your dad does before informing him you already booked spring break on his credit card. If he’s still giving you shit about it even after the post, buy him a tie in a color and pattern he definitely already owns.
Let a coworker know you get it by agreeing that “the struggle is real” even though you still won’t cover for them. Add, “Next time for sure, though” with a shrug and then walk away.
Comment one singular fire emoji under a couple’s Insta to make up for publicly shit-talking them on multiple occasions. This also works for when your insecure and depressed friend posts a thirsty selfie and you know you should recommend she speak to a therapist but you don’t want to be the one to bring it up.
Offer to plan the next group brunch and then suggest a place you know everybody hates. Act completely innocent and they won’t be mad because you “didn’t know.” Somebody else will take the reigns.
Tag your friends in various memes in lieu of asking them to hang out. Everybody knows memes are an acceptable form of communication—and if they don’t, you don’t need them or their negativity in their life.
Hey guys. I’ve got something I need to get off my chest. I’ve said some mean shit about Meghan Trainor in the past (here, here, and basically every day in casual conversation). I’ve called her “fucking obnoxious” and repeatedly trashed her outfits, her music, and her personality. And I was wrong.
First of all, Meghan can fucking sing. Her voice kind of sounds like a mix of Adele and Beyoncé but better, you know what I mean? She definitely doesn’t sound like a nasally goat—wherever would you get that idea? Meghan says her music is inspired by everyone from Frank Sinatra to T-Pain, and boy does it show. Her music is also amazing to dance to, with sick beats AND catchy lyrics. But more than that, Meghan’s songs are soooo empowering. Seriously, when will your fave have lyrics like this: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise / So bless me baby, achoo.” So inspirational. Like, she just rhymed Tom Cruise with the sound of a fake sneeze, that’s some Kanye level shit. Or here’s an even better one: “My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no.” One central theme of her songs is repeating herself over and over again, which is great because you really get the inspirational message that way.
Queen Meghan’s music is #onfleek, but so is her fashion. Before, we gave her shit for wearing a brown dress to the Grammys, but now we love it. Brown is actually the most flattering color, who knew! Her two favorite red carpet looks are head-to-toe glitter and lace, which we especially love when paired together. Our fashion advice is always more is more! Our favorite look of hers was this gorgeous mummy looking gown that combined both brown and glitter!
Meghan Trainor at Marie Claire’s Image Maker Awards 2016 https://t.co/k9UwJFqbkH pic.twitter.com/lxYcmRpp11
— FirstLook App (@FirstLookLive) January 13, 2016
So chic we could die!
But easily the most important part of Meghan is her tireless feminism. She solidified her status as an icon in the fight for equality early on, with her hit song “Dear Future Husband,” which sadly did not receive the many Grammys it deserved. The song is a testament to the values of a modern woman, like pining for a husband and thinking about how awesome it’ll be to have a husband and not caring about much else besides finding a husband. Here at Betches we think women with careers are okay, but we have much more respect for a girl who just wants to find a man and then sit on her ass for the next 30 years. It’s 2017, you’ve earned it! So move over Emma Watson, there’s a new feminist icon in town, and she has an ass, which she constantly reminds us about.
So thank you, Meghan, for all you’ve done for us, and keep up the good work. Sorry you couldn’t hang onto Charlie Puth, but you’ll probably hook up with a decently cute ex-boy band member soon. Best of luck in 2017, I’m always rooting for you!
Ever since Inauguration Day the internet has been fixated on a viral video that spawned #FreeMelania and a lot of concern about the well-being of our new FLOTUS. The video features Melania reacting to a comment made by the dark overlord, aka Donald Trump, and shows her forced smile quickly shift into a look of sheer terror we typically reserve for looking at our bank accounts after a blackout night. Everyone has been wondering what the new dictator could’ve possibly said to make her so distraught, and TBH I don’t really want to know because he’s a perverted sociopath that I know way too much about already. That being said, we’re pretty confident in the following guesses.
I can’t stop staring at the gif https://t.co/LqHMmFOVyp pic.twitter.com/CSGxT2eRS4
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) January 23, 2017
“I’ve tasked half of the Secret Service solely with preventing your escape. Good luck.”
“Why haven’t you started planning your signature anti-bullying campaign, you ugly immigrant shrew?”
“One false move from you and it’s back to The Chokey”
“You’ll never have the grace, intelligence, or arms of Michelle Obama and I’ll always resent you for that.”
“You know what the president is supposed to do, right?”
“Eric is looking forward to spending a lot of time with you over the next four years.”
“It’s official: L.L. Bean is the only clothing brand you can wear for the rest of your life.”
“I should not have had that burrito before coming here.”
“I’ve sold you to 3 Doors Down in exchange for their performance”
“New job, who dis?”
As a woman who copied both the great Jackie O in sartorial choices and Michelle Obama in word choices, it should come as no surprise that the Slovenian robot Mrs. Trump tried once again to fake some humanity.
Mrs. Trump aka our current FLOTUS *internally screaming* handed Mrs. Obama aka former FLOTUS a large, stupid looking (because it was so large) Tiffany box. Presumably, in order to thank her for her services, and as I said, to appear human since she clearly isn’t. (No human person would marry a man who wants to fuck his daughter. Facts.)
After the exchange went down, Michelle Obama epitomized what we’ve all been feeling, re: this transfer of power/downgrade/spiral into the abyss of hell.
Michelle Accepting The Box:
Melania: Zomg, zank you for zee speech. Here is box.
Michelle: K.
And then…
Michelle Not Knowing WTF To Do With The Box:
Michelle: SOS
One more time for the people in the back.
This shade was, hands down, the only good thing to come from that day. So good that I’d say the USA doesn’t even deserve it, considering that we’ve created the maelstrom unfolding before our eyes. But the real issue at hand, besides all the other thousands of issues plaguing us atm, is: WTF was in that box?
Even though our president would declare that I have “little credibility!” to make these claims, fuck it. Here are some ideas:
