Decoding Katie Morton & Chris Bukowski’s Breakup Post

We’re less than a month away from the new season of The Bachelor, and thankfully, it feels like this off-season has flown by. While some of our recent Bachelor in Paradise couples are still going strong (I guess Caelynn is really about that van life), not all of them were destined to survive. This fall, we’ve already said goodbye to John Paul Jones and Tayshia, as well as Demi and Kristian. And today, Chris and Katie announced their split, to the surprise of… literally no one. Like, not a soul.

Going into this season of Paradise, Chris was the ultimate veteran, coming back for his sixth season on a Bachelor show. No offense to him, but he wasn’t exactly the freshest catch on the beach. He didn’t have the Hannah Gs and Caelynns coming after him, but that was okay. Whatever he brought to the table worked perfectly for Katie, who was, well, a little desperate. No shade, we’ve all been there. Homegirl wanted a man, and she found one!

But as Nelly Furtado once said, all good things come to an end, and I’m not sure if this relationship was even particularly good to begin with. Despite getting engaged on the BiP finale, Katie showed up to After The Final Rose not wearing her ring, and said that she “fell in love with potential that may never come to fruition.” Somehow, in that moment, I was not entirely convinced that they were going to last!

The couple announced their breakup on Tuesday morning with a joint Instagram caption, though they chose different photos. While Chris went with a production shot of his proposal, Katie picked this low-key awkward shot of her perched on his knee in a kitchen. The lighting is on point, but the photo doesn’t convey any kind of breakup sentiment. Whatever, these people are weird.

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One of the many lessons this life has taught us is that it’s okay to be stubborn in the pursuit of happiness. To fight for what is real and good, and that often times the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. We’ve reached a point in our story where we agree it’s best to go our separate ways. We have chosen to love and respect each other as friends because that’s the base of our relationship, and it’s what is most natural for us. We are incredibly thankful for the support we’ve received from our family, friends and everyone who supported us throughout our journey – from paradise to this moment. We are grateful for everything that we’ve learned in this chapter, and are hopeful for what is to come in life and in love for both of us.

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As we would expect from any Bachelor breakup post, the caption is a generous helping of word salad. They start by saying that “this life has taught us that it’s okay to be stubborn in the pursuit of happiness,” and I really can’t believe that they just quoted the f*cking Declaration of Independence in their breakup announcement. The whole first paragraph reads like they Googled “cliches” and just slapped a few together. I’m sorry, but between “pursuit of happiness,” “fight for what is real and good,” and “the hardest thing and the right thing are the same,” you get to pick ONE. Really, it should be zero, but I know these clowns can’t help themselves. I also feel obliged to point out that the last part is a direct quote from “How To Save A Life” by The Fray, a song that we should have left back in 2006 where it belongs.

In paragraph two, they cut to the chase, saying that they’ve “reached a point in our story where we agree it’s best to go our separate ways.” A POINT IN OUR STORY. You mean, the end point? These two really think their lives are like a Taylor Swift song, huh? This is what happens when people find love on a TV show—they think they’re some tragic fairytale story, but in the real world, people break up after six months of dating literally all the time (many don’t even make it to the six month mark), and they’re usually back on all the dating apps the next day. My roommate has been dating a guy for that long, and I still don’t know his last name. It’s not that deep.

Katie and Chris then say they’ve “chosen to love and respect each other as friends,” which translates loosely to “we can still be at the same influencer events without causing a scene, but we’re absolutely not friends.” This is another thing that’s weird about these public TV couples. I’m not trying to say that breaking off an engagement is no big deal, but these two didn’t seem to get along that well even when they were engaged, so there’s no reason they need to pretend to be friends now that they’re over. Chris is from Chicago, and Katie’s from LA, so realistically, they could go the rest of their lives never seeing each other again. (Katie, if you’re reading this, block his number!!) This idea that you have to say you’re friends with your ex is unrealistic, unhealthy, and just plain dumb.

Judging from everything they’ve ever said about their relationship, I think we can all agree that this is definitely what’s best for them. They close out their statement with more thank yous and gratitude than an Oscar acceptance speech, which goes to show how brutally taxing this six-month relationship has been on both of them. But remember, they’re still friends!! But no matter how doomed this relationship was from the beginning, not all Paradise couples are a total sh*tshow. As we speak, Dylan and Dean are joking on Twitter about which one of them will have babies first, so it seems to be working out okay for them.

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I just—

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Now that Kate and Chris are both single, the real question is whether Chris will come back to Paradise next season for another try. At this point, he’s like the kid at your high school who’s repeating senior year for a third time, and no one knows why. He might not have any friends left here, but it wouldn’t quite feel the same without him.

Images: ABC, katieemo / Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Why Isn’t This The Finale?

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Friends, I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. When the episode began I was so excited, so blessed, because I thought that after today my life was my own again. No more Tuesday nights chained to my couch, worshipping at the altar that is ABC. I could finally make plans! I could go out! I could watch that episode of SVU again! I could go to bed early! The possibilities were endless and beautiful. But most of the way through this episode I thought to myself, “it sure seems weird that they’d pack fantasy suites and proposals all into nine minutes.” And now I am devastated, because it turns out that just because you hope something is the finale, does not make it so. So here we are, just a bunch of idiots, watching the second-to-last episode of Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s get on with it, then.

On last night’s third-to-last episode of BiP (no, I’m never letting this go), Caelynn rode off into the sunset in Dean’s van, Old Matt Donald couldn’t remember the new girl’s name, Kristina finally got her revenge on Blake for Stagecoach, and they both went home.

It’s daytime on the beach and everyone is discussing the end of Paradise. JPJ is feeling pressure over what to do about Tayshia and is making predictions about what will happen with all the couples. This is fun, I also have a prediction. Here it is: All the couples will eventually break up, they will use their Z-list fame to promote fit tea/start a podcast/write a book and then fade into oblivion when a YouTube star steals their spotlight. Just a hunch!

Haley asks Demi if she would be ready for an engagement and Demi looks like Haley just dared her to bite the head off a dead frog. Kristian is stressed about it and venting her frustrations to Katie and Hannah. Katie gives her a hug, and uh-oh, is she flirting with other girls again?! That Kristian really gets around.

Demi and Kristian are having a serious chat about their feelings and yet they’re not even looking at each other. It’s like what happens when I ask my puppy if she knows how much it hurts me when she deliberately pees on my shoes. Demi says she wants to get engaged and she wants to be with Kristian but she is still worried about what people will think if they see them kissing on the street.

I have a feeling that Tayshia and JPJ aren’t going to work out. Their serious conversation goes a little like this:

JPJ: I think we’re on the same página
Tayshia:

I know fake laughter when I see it, because I do it every day at work.

Hannah and Dylan get a date card and it appears this date will consist of attending a birthday party for a Mexican child? This poor thing. I hope the producers slipped him a pile of cash. Although, if this is what they’re doing for dates now, are they all out of cash?

After they sing “Happy Birthday,” take pictures of the kids, and show them how to Facetune their bodies into the perfect hourglass shape, Dylan tells Hannah he is in love with her. She says it back. Sure.

Then Dylan tries to speak Spanish and it’s so embarrassing. The American education system has failed him. He tells people that “My name is Hannah!” That alone would make me break up with him and enter witness protection.

Back on the beach, Connor, the only person that should still be invited to a child’s birthday party, tells us that he met Whitney at the wedding and that he’s into her. Does he know she’s not on this show? You can’t “only be on Paradise” for someone that isn’t there! Also, I think they should have just filmed this whole season at that wedding. I’m sure that show would have it all! People sleeping together, people puking in their sheets, people pretending this marriage will last longer than five months, people looking at Blake in disgust. THAT’S a show I would watch.

Connor says if Whitney doesn’t come down the stairs he is just going to leave Paradise. Well yeah, the show is over, so they’re going to make you leave, sweetie. It’s about time for freshman year to start, anyway.

It seems the producers heard Connor’s wails of desperation, because they are sending Whitney to meet him. At the same time, Connor decides to leave because Whitney isn’t there. It’s just like the Gift of the Magi! Except instead of being a beautiful story about love and sacrifice, it’s about two semi-undressed Instagram groupies just missing each other.

Production lets Connor grab his bookbag, get on the big yellow school bus, and let the wheels go round and round all the way home, despite the fact that Whitney is en route. I love that the producers are doing this. If they are not instruments of the Devil then they surely are just on lots of cocaine.

Whitney walks in with her date card and Sydney is like “ohhhhhh sh*t, yeah he went home.” Whitney decides to chase after him. I imagine it will go a little like that scene in Love, Actually, only with less clothes and no real feelings involved.

Apparently they put Connor in a hotel before sending him home? HOW CONVENIENT. Whitney tells him that she chased after him. Wow, they get to be together and be in air conditioning, they played this right. They make out on the balcony and I’m so happy that their drunken connection at a pretend TV wedding has brought them together. True love does exist!

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Here’s to last-minute love! 🥂❤️ #BachelorInParadise

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Clay and Nicole go on a date. Clay says they’ll need to talk logistics, and wow, this is getting so romantic so fast. Clay thinks that he can possibly get to a place where he would maybe eventually at some time in the very distant future get a two-bedroom apartment with Nicole if it’s big enough.

And then Nicole tells him she’s falling for him. Clay looks like someone put eyedrops in his drink and the effects are starting to reach his digestive system. But he also manages to mumble reluctantly that he is falling in love with her. Then they dance to a serenade and Clay kisses Nicole to stifle his screams.

Tayshia pulls JPJ aside and says she has something serious to discuss. No, it’s not about their future. No, it’s not about the meaning of life. It’s about JPJ stuffing his dick into a tiny denim speedo. But of course. And then she draws him like one of her French girls.

They’re trying to recreate Titanic, and if I didn’t already hate that movie I’d be pretty pissed. Is this supposed to be hot? Because all I can think about is how long it will take me to get my sex drive back after watching this.

If I may say so, she did not do a good job.

To top it all off, they stand on the balcony and JPJ shouts that he’s king of the world. Neither one of them falls. Pity.

Chris and Katie remind us they are still here by being mopey and annoying. To be fair, I do the same to my mom.

Chris Harrison then shows up and basically tells everyone it’s time for the single losers to GTFO. He cancels the cocktail party, and decides it’s time to get this rose ceremony on the road. He has a massage scheduled in a half hour.

Chris calls this week “volatile” like they were hit by Hurricane Dorian, and it wasn’t just people leaving Paradise to go DM better options at home.

The men are handing out the roses tonight:

Luke gives his rose to Bri. SHE SAYS NO. And yet, she doesn’t leave, she just goes right back to her spot. This is awkward. Chris asks the class if anyone would like Luke’s rose. No one does!! He sends him home. I just died of secondhand embarrassment. Carry on.

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SIDE POST | I’m literally bawling my eyes out @lukestonedc deserves better! I literally couldn’t even watch this part and it’s not even the fact that I felt bad for me it’s the fact that I really wanted him to find love. I love you Luke S and I know that you’ll find your forever eventually 🥺💓 ( btw I would have taken that rose in a heartbeat) I hope you see this and know that there’s a lot of fans out here who love you!✨ #bachelorinparadise

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On his way out, Luke says, “I think I made the right decision to leave.” Oh honey, they kicked you out.

Matt gives his rose to Bri. She says yes.

Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.

JPJ gives his rose to Tayshia.

Clay gives his rose to Nicole, and then gives her a platonic hug.

Demi gives her rose to Kristian.

Chris gives his rose to Katie.

Lol Sydney leaves saying, “Matt’s gonna get dumped.” At least you can leave knowing you’re right, Sydney. Then she cries in the car, because she’s “tired of waiting.” Well you know what, Sydney? I am tired of listening to classically attractive, cosmetically enhanced people cry “poor me, poor me” on my TV for four hours every single week, BUT I’M STILL DOING IT. We’re all f*cking tired. Grow up!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up in a sports coat, ready to kick the idiots that are less committed to this charade out of Paradise. He tells the couples to have a serious conversation and decide if they are ready to take the next step, and if not, to stop living on his dime and go buy their own GD iced coffee at the airport.

Matt pulls Bri away to talk. Matt says he feels confident and she says he only picked her because she’s hot, he doesn’t know anything about her, and he can go shave his back now. Hey, at least he remembered your name, Bri!

Chase and Angela wave goodbye lol. Maybe they’ll see each other again on the next season of Ex on the Beach! When will Chase age out of that?

Hannah and Dylan decide to continue on and go to fantasy suites. Duh, she won’t break his little cropped sweatshirt-loving heart until she’s milked all the screen time out of this she can.

Clay and Nicole go talk. Naturally, she is crying. He says he is hopeful but he can’t even look her in the eyes, and as I have learned from those SVU reruns, that means he’s hiding something.

JPJ tells Tayshia he has had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. And that he’d like to dance with her at their wedding someday and that he’s in love with her. She kisses him, but all she says back is “That’s a lot, huh?”

Then Tayshia continues on to say that she’s definitely not there yet. She also tells him he doesn’t actually know what he wants. JPJ repeats again that he’s had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. They must have accidentally written it again on the cue card. Stupid drunk interns! Then he leaves. Tayshia chases after him to say she is sorry. He carries her away. This is not your wedding day, sir. This is your breakup. He leaves pretty quickly after that—he must have heard about that air conditioning from Connor.

JPJ doesn’t even vomit once throughout that whole exchange, and that’s how I know this whole thing was staged.

Kristian and Demi go to talk. Demi feels insecure, and recognizes that her anxiety is getting in her way. She tells Kristian she is scared but that she wants to keep on going and growing. I am thankful this conversation is finally over.

Now it’s Chris and Katie’s turn to go and talk. He cries. I’m crying too Chris, I’M CRYING TOO. Katie starts crying. We are all crying now. For different reasons, I think. He says that he pushes people away that he likes. Save it for your therapy session, Chris. Actually no, just Venmo me $200 for this hour of listening to your sh*t and we’ll call it even. Katie tells him she wants to be with him, and whether he chooses her or not, he clearly needs to get mental help. He decides he wants to give it a shot. She does too. Seems like this will work.

Chris Harrison shows up and tells them to have fun fornicating tonight, but also maybe talk about life, please.

And yes, it is as I feared. The finale is next Tuesday. I hate these people. I hate ABC. Farewell.

Images: ABC; giphy (3), bachelorinparadise, babydylaann/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: My High School Would Have Been Ashamed Of This Prom

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Welcome back to the final week of Bachelor in Paradise! At least I’ve been praying it’s the last week, because MY GOD I can only take so many nights of my life being wasted on Blake’s sniffling before I do something truly crazy, like swear off The Bachelor franchise completely. Or at least only watching it on Hulu 12 hours after it airs so ABC doesn’t get to include my watching as part of its ratings. MWAHAHAHAHA.

Moving on. When last we left off, Dean had just returned to Paradise. After finding himself at the Grand Canyon (lol) he decided that he might, kind of, sort of, mayyybe be ready to be in a serious relationship with Caelynn. And by “serious,” I mean “is willing to shave his mustache for her today, but might grow it out and take off in his van for three weeks tomorrow, we’ll see.” So now Caelynn must choose between a guy who thinks shaving his facial hair equates with long-standing commitment and a guy who won’t be able to even grow facial hair until he hits puberty three years from now. WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE?!

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Welp #TheBachelor #TheBachelorette #BachelorInParadise #BachelorNation #Bachelormemes

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I love that Dean never says he’ll be fully committed, just that he’d try it out. You know, at least until his van gets fixed anyway. Caelynn spends all of 90 seconds contemplating her decision before bounding off to go roast Connor’s heart over the beach fire pit.

CONNOR: Do you want to be with someone who will always choose you or a guy who has abandoned you on a beach on your birthday?
CAELYNN: I’m sorry, was there a question in there or?

Connor continues to throw Dean under the bus—excuse me, VAN—in an attempt to keep Caelynn in Paradise. He knows that without Caelynn he’ll be cast to the wastes of that godforsaken beach, made to live in a forced purgatory where his days will consist of getting sunburnt and watching literally everyone else around him fall in love. And to think, you didn’t even need to go all the way to Mexico for that, buddy! You could have just gotten on Instagram like the rest of us plebs. At least that’s where I go to ruin my self-esteem and emotionally torture myself!

HAHAHAHA. Did Blake just say “I think Dean is incredibly charming”? I’m dead. When amongst friends fellow sociopaths, amiright Blakie?

DEAN: *talks the pants right off of Caelynn*
BLAKE:

Caelynn tells Dean she needs more from him before she decides to leave Paradise. She asks him what his plans are for them as a couple, and Dean gives her a hapless shrug in response. A HAPLESS SHRUG. Do you see that, Caelynn? There’s been about as much thought and consideration put into y’all’s future plans as I put into answering the group text about where we’re going for dinner. Sounds like love to me!

They start making out, and Connor immediately runs off the beach to hide his tears. Aww, buddy. It’s okay. You’ll find a date to the 8th grade dance, I’m sure of it!

Caelynn tells Connor that she has to leave and “it doesn’t make sense, I know,” and this is the first thing I’ve ever agreed on with Caelynn. It doesn’t make sense. The only thing that makes sense is the sudden burst of Tiny Homes sponcon that’s about to pollute Caelynn’s IG feed.

Caelynn and Dean walk off into the sunset to resounding cheers shouts of “don’t f*ck up!” and “we were barely rooting for you, Caelynn!” Lmao are you kidding me with this sh*t? I get a better reception from my mother after I load the dishwasher and all she says is “you should load the bowls on the bottom not the top.”

Caelynn, all I have to say is, I hope you will remember this moment when you’re trying to pinpoint what made your life go down the tubes in therapy. Just saying!

Yup, that’s the moment right there…

Couple Updates:

Chris + Katie: Watching Caelynn ride off into the sunset with her heart on her sleeve and a hapless shrug in her future makes Katie begin to question the very solid foundation she’s built with Chris these last six weeks. I mean, how can she trust a man who’s never even shaved his mustache off for her, only constantly reaffirmed his feelings for her day after day after goddamn day? HOW?!

If we’re being honest, I’m just not invested in this storyline, you guys. And by “storyline” I obviously mean these people’s lives and happiness. I have more chemistry with this keyboard and yet ABC is trying to tell us this is what a strong couple is supposed to look like??

Katie says she needs to see some more effort from Chris and that’s why she’s happy the producers have meticulously planned and executed his date for her. It shows real drive.

They paint their future for us and use language that is more vague than what I use to talk about my marketable skills on my resume. And wouldn’t you know it, here comes an authentic Mexican wedding party to foreshadow the wedding production will ultimately beat Chris into by tomorrow evening. You are one lucky girl, Katie!

Matt + His Hand: Meanwhile, back at the beach, Old Matt Donald continues to juggle two women at once. His strategy? Just bring up his mother any time things get slightly physical with one of them. The rest of the men watch in abject horror. Blake is so disturbed by Matt’s lack of game that he has to leave the beach to go rub one out to his old Stagecoach Instagram stories just to remember that he’s still got it.

Chase finally takes pity on Matt and tries to teach him how to kiss by using a pineapple as a stand-in for a human woman. Eventually they might graduate to using Matt’s hand, but for right now, Matt needs to concentrate on rubbing his tongue against a BARBED OBJECT. What’s next, Chase? Telling himself to practice masturbating with a piece of sandpaper?

MATT AFTER THIS SEX ED LESSON:

Demi + Kristian: One couple who is struggling this week is Demi and Kristian. Demi claims that Kristian “flirts” with every single woman on the beach and it’s not fair to her. The flirting she speaks of? Lightly tapping Hot Twin’s arm to please pass her the ketchup. Smiling in Tayshia’s general direction. Accidentally knocking into Sydney’s shoulder at the breakfast bar. Breathing near Hannah. If this is what constitutes flirting, then I’ve gone to third base with the new office intern. Just saying.

KRISTIAN: *breathes near another woman*
DEMI:

Demi admits that she’s less annoyed with Kristian and the supposed “flirting” and more just annoyed with herself and how she’s still struggling with coming out about her sexuality. She’s still uncomfortable about being openly gay, and I’m sorry, but did I just witness someone on BACHELOR IN PARADISE come full circle with their emotions and acknowledge the deeper meaning behind their words and actions? DID I?! Is this the part where the world ends??

They get their auras cleansed by Mexican spirit guides (I paraphrase), but somehow the sage they burned does little to cleanse Demi’s jealousy. She tells Kristian that she doesn’t appreciate her being “overly touchy” with other women, and Kristian looks genuinely shocked by this proclamation.

Okay, I don’t think Kristian is in the wrong here, and I’m usually the first one to want to skin a significant other alive for the smallest amount of bad behavior. I also do really feel for Demi. I can’t imagine dating someone on national television and not coming off like a complete psycho—and my sexual orientation is actually accepted in society. Here’s hoping these two can work it out!

Tayshia + JPJ: As Demi and Kristian continue to strengthen their relationship, JPJ and Tayshia take theirs to the next level as well with…prom? I love that JPJ thought of Tayshia, a divorcée pushing 30, and thought “she’d be into a $2 Party City crown and a sash that says ‘Most Likely To Still Be Hot’.”

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Now presenting the King & Queen of Paradise Prom. ✨ #BachelorInParadise

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Well, that dress is certainly tacky enough to go to prom. Carry on.

Dylan says that the three balloons and half-drunk bowl of punch JPJ is passing off as “prom” is his way of showing Tayshia that he’s really serious about her. So, let me get this straight. When JPJ reverts to his 16-year-old self it’s “character growth”, but when I do it “deeply concerning” and “something we’ll discuss during our next session”? How is that fair?

Kristina + Blake: Watching Tayshia and JPJ dirty dance on a sand dune inspires Blake to try and romance Kristina. I love that JPJ plans this whole elaborate event for Tayshia and Blake spends 12 minutes coming up with a date card that doesn’t even rhyme, and considers it the same thing.

Jesus Christ. His romantic “epiphany” involves a leftover cheese plate and someone’s discarded beach towel. I’m calling the police.

WAIT. IS KRISTINA DUMPING HIM? Omg I’m truly living right now. Every tear that drips pathetically down his chin is adding years back on to my life, I swear to god.

Kristina tells Blake that she thinks the only reason either one of them is into each other right now is because there’s literally no one left in Paradise to date but the two of them. I love it. Kristina tells him that while his half-assed date was “really sweet” if she wanted to end up with one of her exes she would have followed Dean out to his van.

Kristina tells everyone she’s leaving as Blake wails in the distance. Okay, that is some AGGRESSIVE sobbing. Do you think those tears over Kristina or not being able to f*ck Bri when he had the chance?

And on that note, that concludes part one of the BiP finale! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow tonight to see who walks off this beach with love and who walks off with just a common strand of Chlamydia. (My money’s on Blake). Until then!

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Images: Giphy (6); @caelynnmillerkeyes /Instagram (1); @brettsvergara /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tahzjuan Is My Inspiration

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Welcome to week four of Bachelor in Paradise! This week was sort of a snooze for me, but that might just be because John Paul Jones got approximately 1.5 hours of speaking time last night and listening to him formulate a thought is equivalent to watching my fingernails grow. But, nevertheless, I persisted! (If you count drinking half a bottle of wine and fantasizing ways to get JPJ alone in a room with a pair of scissors “persisting”). Moving on! Last week, Demi and Kristian solidified their relationship, Grandpa Chris went on a date with Jen Sav, Katie cried, and, as Tayshia put it, Hannah and Dylan slept on a daybed for five years.

Which brings us back to this week. We open back in Paradise, and for once no one is bringing dishonor to their family name by crying on Wells’ barstool or describing in great detail the sexual acts they partook in during Stagecoach. Instead, the camera pans to all the happy couples. There’s Dylan napping with Hannah, Demi holding hands with Kristian, Caelynn straddling Dean in the pool, Clay running into the ocean to avoid Nicole’s singing, and Derek, who asks Clay and Nicole to put him out of his misery and bury him alive.

Look, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again but I AM IN YOUR DMS HELLO good guys never finish first with this godforsaken franchise. You hate to see it.

Meanwhile, Kristina and Tayshia discuss their relationship statuses. They both aren’t that into their romantic prospects thus far: Tayshia with JPJ and Kristina with that sand dune. Kristina declares that Tayshia should just date Derek because, let’s face it, JPJ has that hair so he’ll be fine. Tayshia agrees so fast that it’s almost as if this storyline was preordained by production or something. It’s crazy!

Okay, I don’t think we’ve been giving Tayshia enough credit for how manipulative she can be. She tells JPJ that she wants to see other people but instead of just saying “I’d like to explore other connections” she asks HIM if HE is hoping to see another girl walk into Paradise. When he says he only wants to go on dates with her she tells him, “no really, it’s totally okay to go on other dates.” She’s Jedi mind tricking the f*ck out of him, and that’s something I’ve been trying to perfect with men my entire life. Then again, I guess I’m pretty good at it since every man I’ve ever dated has felt free to go out on dates with other women…

JPJ: You look like Beyoncé if Beyoncé had crazy eyes.
TAYSHIA: Thank you?

Another girl walks into Paradise and we are told that she’s from Colton’s season and that her name is Tanzania. Or something. Idk, I’m two glasses of wine deep. She says she was on the show for “two seconds” but production can’t even produce any video footage to back up this claim, so it seems suspicious to say the least. I would say she’s another paid actor invited on the show to stir up drama like “Christian” was, but production’s budget is not big enough to secure the talent that is Tahzjuan. Seriously, this girl is a star in the making. Mark my words.

She asks JPJ on a date straight away. I guess when she pictures her future husband she pictures a guy who brings his fraternity paddle into the bedroom. Got it. JPJ, even though he doesn’t want to go on this date at all and is absolutely still interested in and loyal to Tayshia, takes this as an opportunity to shave his entire body before heading out. He’s like “I don’t want to go on this date, but if Tayshia wants me to, then f*ck it!” and then proceeds to shave his balls on national television. He takes the term “taking one for the team” to the next level.

This date is so painful to watch, I swear to god. They both have nothing to say to each other so they just maniacally giggle until the intern refills their drinks. JPJ gets so drunk during the meal he confuses the date food with something actually edible instead of the half-priced gag gift ABC got from Spencer’s. JPJ dry heaves no less than 6 times, but by now we know that’s just his foreplay. And then, of course, there’s this horrifying exchange of conversation:

JPJ: Your name is so interesting, what country is it from?
TAHZJUAN: Well my dad’s name is Juan, so Mexico I guess.
JPJ: But you’re.. *whispers* black…?

John Paul Jones! You can’t just ask someone why they’re black! God, Karen!

Back at the beach, the rest of the couples and Derek are playing a game of truth or dare. I remember my first boy-girl party too. So cute! Someone asks Sydney who the worst person she ever kissed was and she says Colton. The rest of the women from Colton’s season collectively agree that he was a terrible kisser. I’m sorry, but is this supposed to shock us? This is the same man who told us he had never seen a ladie’s bathing suit parts before and asked Chris Harrison if it hurts during the guy’s first time too. I’m not surprised he has no idea what to do with that tongue.

Meanwhile, Caelynn cannot stop gushing about how great Dean is, as Wells and Demi exchange horrified expressions. She’s like, “I love vans, they’re my favorite! Vans have running water though, right? And WiFi? And, like, a permanent address for all my FabFitFun and Revolve partnership packages?”

CAELYNN: Dean is definitely going to propose at the end of this!
DEMI & WELLS:

Wells and Demi proceed to give Caelynn the intervention she did not ask for. They tell her that she needs to be real with Dean about wanting an actual relationship because they don’t think he’s as serious about her. I love that Wells is like, “he’s my friend but he’s a piece of sh*t, you know?” Boy, do we know, Wells! Also, I can’t believe that Caelynn needed a girl who can still fit into Limited Too’s spring line and a wannabe bartender to tell her that a man who lives in his van is probably not ready for anything serious.

Caelynn asks Dean what his intentions are, and he looks at her like he thought he made that clear when he mentioned needing a shower on their first date. At least he’s honest!

DEAN: I want a girlfriend but, like, not for the nine months that I want to take off in my van you know?

NOT DURING THE 9 MONTHS I WANT TO TAKE OFF IN MY VAN. Caelynn, girlfriend, I don’t even like you that much but I know you’re better than this MY GOD.

Listening to Dean describe what kind of relationship he wants is making my blood boil. Caelynn asks for commitment and he says, “you’ll have to convince me first.” Right away the power dynamic shifts in his favor, and it’s f*cked up. I’ve dated guys like this before, the ones who would like to still hook up, but not commit to you beyond what’s convenient for them. So they tell you that, but in a way that makes it sound like they *could* change their minds should the right blow job relationship come along. It’s this line of reasoning that let’s f*ckboys sleep through the night while we spend $200 an hour making our therapist watch us cry. Sorry, Joan! You’re a real one, girl!

Also, does Dean forget that he was top FOUR on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, a show where you PROPOSE at the end of it? Like, why even come on Paradise if you can’t even pretend like you might consider settling down? I know he needed those rolls of toilet paper production promised him for his van, but damn.

Meanwhile, one half of Bachelor Nation’s Hot Twins walks into Paradise next. I love that Tahzjuan thinks that twins can’t exist apart from each other. She’s like, “but… her sister isn’t here, so how does that work?” I get what she’s saying, though. How can you be a Professional Twin if there’s just one of you? Instead of being one half of a dynamic comedic duo, she’s just a former Vegas cocktail waitress with a limited vocabulary and great eyelash extensions.

Hot Twin asks JPJ on a date because she says he seems like the most “husband material” out of all the guys, and I’m sincerely concerned about what these girls deem acceptable behavior for husbands.

As Hot Twin and JPJ walk off into the sunset, Tahzjuan licks her wounds by getting hammered by herself and drunk eating spaghetti in the pool. Look, I know eating noodles in the pool should be illegal and a lot of people will come for Tahzjuan’s, er, erratic behavior, but y’all, I’m LIVING for this bitch. As the designated Single Girl in my friend group, my friends are always asking me to sign up for a Bachelor casting call and I always tell them I can’t because I don’t have a good TV personality, when what I really mean is that I would act like Tahzjuan.

In fact, her behavior is right on point with mine after day drinking for 8 hours. Splashing that drink around, complaining about being hot, crying every time she sees a happy couple. It’s like looking in a mirror.

TAHZJUAN: I’m really glad you showed up Haley! Also, I would like to spit in your drink!
ALSO TAHZJUAN:

The Rose Ceremony

Chris starts off the cocktail party by giving one of his signature pep talks. He’s like, “for those of you in relationships, drink up! For those of you still single and pathetic, Idk! I gotta get back to my mojito.” Wow, that was inspired.

Caitlin takes this pep talk to heart by trying to seduce Blake with her very own makeshift Stagecoach set-up. Honey, I don’t think it was so much the Stagecoach atmosphere as it was the amount of drugs and alcohol that I’m sure was flowing when he made the decision to bang two girls in 24 hours, but okay.

Kristina has other plans in mind. Since the most action she’s gotten all season is from the camera man fixing her mic, she’s in trouble this rose ceremony and wants Blake to give her a “friendship rose.”

KRISTINA: I want Blake to find love and that’s why I kept him here, but not if it means I’ll be kicked off this free Mexican vacation, ya feel me?

JPJ says he’s going to have a very tough decision at the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he has a girl whose name he couldn’t pronounce to save his life, and on the other hand, he has Hot Twin, who apparently “looks like a movie star and has the intelligence of a doctor.” That feels like a stretch. This is the same girl who knows that pigeons and seagulls are different somehow but couldn’t tell you exactly how they are different except that one is “from the sea” and one is “from the earth.”

As JPJ struggles with his decision, Caelynn continues plan out her future in Dean’s van. She wants his rose but she can’t be sure he’ll give it to her because even though she’s spent every waking moment with him for the last two weeks, he’s still Dean.

OMG. It’s Caelynn’s bday?! Dean says he’ll be right back, and if he comes back with a cake I’m f*cking done. For those of you who don’t remember, the commissioning of a cake for a girl’s birthday is sort of like his big move in Paradise. He did this last time he was on Paradise for D-Lo when he was still hooking up with Kristina, which drove Kristina to say that her time in the Russian orphanage was preferable to her time in Mexico.

HE CAME BACK WITH A CAKE. I’m dead. If I’m having PTSD with this, then Kristina must be rocking in a corner somewhere. Kristina, blink once if you’re good, twice if you want me to report his van for expired tags!

We haven’t seen much of the Katie/Chris/Jen love triangle that was introduced to us last episode, but apparently it is still going on. I only know this because Katie pulls Chris aside during the last seven minutes of this episode to declare her feelings for him. Jen has still spoken zero words. I can’t even be sure she has working vocal chords or if she communicates purely through blank stares and subtle shifts in her eyebrows.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Chris starts things off by speaking again and this is truly the most dramatic season ever because this is the second time tonight he’s spoken words to the contestants. He says that Demi gets to give out a rose because apparently there are no rules here anymore! Rose ceremonies are basically the equivalent of a fifth and cups mixer—so long as you have someone willing to metaphorically handcuff themselves to you while you finish a fifth of tequila then you’re good to stay.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

The episode ends with Dean realizing that by handing out his rose to Caelynn he may have signaled to her that he’s willing to be monogamous for more than 12 days.

 

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The moment Dean realized he fucked up by giving Caelynn his rose. #blackbachelornation #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelorabc #abc #bachelornation #bachelorinparadise #bip #bachelorette

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HAHA. The look of sheer horror in those eyes. I can’t. Dean tells Caelynn they need to talk. Just by his tone, she knows that she’s about to get dumped. Caelynn lets out a half-hearted “but it’s my birthday you can’t break up with me!” and it’s like girlfriend, I’ve been dumped on my birthday, Christmas Eve, and Labor Day Weekend. Nothing is sacred to these people!

And on that note, I’m out, kids. See you betches tonight!

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @blackbachelornation /Instagram (1)

The Best Outfits From ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ That You Can Buy Now

The women of Bachelor In Paradise are truly all having themselves their own versions of hot girl summer, from shutting down f*ckboys to celebrating all kinds of love. They all look snatched as hell and also all have a killer wardrobe. This powerful group of women are influencing me (and my wallet) in all types of ways, from purchasing a ticket to next year’s Stagecoach to now fueling my online shopping addiction. So, since you too probably want to know where their outfits are from, here are some of the best pieces the girls have worn so far that are actually still currently available for you to buy now.

1. Caelynn’s Lime Green Dress

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Another week in Paradise ??? #BachelorInParadise

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For Love & Lemons Meringue Mini Dress, $225

Caelynn has been slaying in her subtly sexy cowl necks, and I’m so here for it. Her date looks have all been perfectly effortless in a way that really amplifies her insane natural beauty. This neon green dress by For Love & Lemons is a must-have in your wardrobe right now. Dress it down by wearing it over a graphic tee with sneakers or dress it up with strappy heels and a statement earring. Whichever way you wear it, this dress is a true no-brainer.

2. Demi’s Striped Swimsuit

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Ships about to go DOWN on #BachelorInParadise tonight and tomorrow at 8|7c on ABC!

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Vitamin A Mila Top in Verano Stripe, $66 & Vitamin A Lupe High-Waist Bikini Bottom, $110

This is the swimsuit Demi has worn for most of Paradise so far. Of course, she probably only actually wore it for one day, but the way this season is edited so choppily, I feel like we’ve seen it in every episode. Which, I’m totally okay with because I’m obsessed with this suit. Demi wore it with the high waisted version of the bottoms, but if you’re someone who thinks high waisted bottoms look like an adult diaper, then you’ll be happy to know there’s a low-rise option too.

3. Hannah G.’s Hot Pink Dress

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i CAN’T wait until next week? pic creds @teamhannahandylan

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LIONESS Mysterious Girl Mini Dress, $76

Sure, Hannah may be making some questionable choices when it comes to her love life in Paradise thus far, but you definitely can’t deny that she’s been making all the right choices when it comes to her wardrobe. She legit looked like Barbie when she wore this hot pink leopard dress, so can you blame Dylan for only having eyes for her? I sure can’t.

4. Kristina’s Floral Off The Shoulder Dress

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Kristina Schulman | Bachelor in Paradise | Season 6 Episode 3 — •White Fox Boutique Dress – $84.95 •Shop this look in our Instagram Story! •Several Similar Items Under $50 Listed on TheStyleSpotter.com — Purchase Link, Info & Similar Items: TheStyleSpotter.com ? (Link in bio!) • • • • #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #thebachelorette #beccakufrin #louisvuitton #nordstrom #liketoknowit #fashionblog #shopstyle #fashionblogger #taylorswift #selenagomez #arianagrande #celebrity #celebritystyle #tv #bachelornation #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #rose #roseceremony #bachelorabc #bachelorwatchparty #hannahbrown #mentellall

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White Fox Force Of Nature Mini Dress, $84.95

Kristina always looks gorgeous, and this season of paradise is no exception. She really knows how to dress for her petite frame, and she always looks so polished and put together no matter what. Even if on the inside she’s having a mental breakdown over Blake, you’d never know it from her outward appearance.

5. Hannah G.’s Snake Print Wrap Dress

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Sexy Snake Print! Get the details on Hannah Godwin’s Snake Print Wrap Dress By Clicking The Link on our Bio! @liketoknow.it #liketkit http://liketk.it/2E82U #BachelorinParadise #BachelorNation #BachelorStyle #ABC #BachelorNationFashion #HannahGodwin #SnakePrintDress #WrapDress

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Hannah G.’s Collection for JustFab Snake Print Wrap Dress, $56.95

So if you weren’t already aware, Hannah G. has a collection for JustFab and I’ll be the first to say IT’S AMAZING! She’s worn several pieces from the collection in Paradise thus far, some of which are actually already sold out. Fortunately, this super cute snake print wrap dress is still available, but I can’t imagine it will be for long. It’s such a cute dress to wear casually with sneakers or out on a date with some heels.

6. Tayshia’s Hot Pink Bikini

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Sippin’ on that Paradise Punch??

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Topshop Crinkle Bikini Top, $26 & Tanga Bikini Bottom, $22

If there’s one thing I know so far from this season of Bachelor in Paradise, it’s that I’m officially a Tayshia stan. Between her relatively confusing romance with JPJ to her IDGAF attitude toward Blake, Tayshia is doing Paradise right. Not to mention she’s also worn some great looks along the way, like this super affordable hot pink Topshop bikini. The sizes in the top are limited, so act fast if you want it!

7. Caelynn’s Leopard Print Midi Dress

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Caelynn Miller Keyes | Bachelor in Paradise | Season 6 Episode 4 — •Endless Summer Dress – $168.00 •Shop this look in our Instagram Story! •Several Similar Items Under $50 Listed on TheStyleSpotter.com — Purchase Link, Info & Similar Items: TheStyleSpotter.com ? (Link in bio!) • • • • #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #thebachelorette #beccakufrin #louisvuitton #nordstrom #liketoknowit #fashionblog #shopstyle #fashionblogger #taylorswift #selenagomez #arianagrande #celebrity #celebritystyle #tv #bachelornation #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #rose #roseceremony #bachelorabc #bachelorwatchparty #hannahbrown #mentellall

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Endless Summer Harper Slip Dress, $168

Caelynn wore this dress on my favorite date we’ve seen so far in Paradise, the one between her and Dean. They were so flirty and playful and you could totally see in Dean’s eyes how much he likes Caelynn. It also makes it even that much better knowing that these two made it and are currently together. And that’s not a spoiler because everyone already knows that and they post about it all over Instagram, so chill.

Now, if you’re anything like me, the first piece from Bachelor in Paradise you had to have was that black lace naked dress Hannah G. wore on her date with Dylan. Which apparently is actually Kristina’s dress, and she wanted you all to know that. But regardless, it doesn’t matter because it’s basically sold out everywhere. *Sigh.* So, to avoid that same painful non-buyer’s remorse, shop all the above pieces ASAP!

Images: @bachelorinparadise, @teamdannah, @the_style_spotter, @bigblondehair, @tatyshiaaa / Instagram; For Love & Lemons; Revolve (2); Hello Mollly; White Fox; JustFab; Nordstrom
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Are Tayshia And John Paul Jones Still Together?

We’ve still got a lot of drama to get through on this season of Bachelor in Paradisebut at the same time, the cast is creating plenty of drama outside of the show. This week alone, we’ve seen Demi get into a major Twitter fight with Bachelor alum Tanner Tolbert, and now we have a mystery to solve with Tayshia and John Paul Jones.

At the start of this week’s Paradise, we saw JPJ give his rose to Onyeka, and Tayshia accepted a rose from Blake. After all the drama that went down during week one, it was obvious that Tayshia was done with Blake’s lying ass, but I respect the hustle of still accepting a rose. This is a game of love, but mostly a game of strategy, and Tayshia is playing to win. After taking Blake’s rose, Tayshia jumped ship and started connecting with John Paul Jones, which feels correct. Obviously, we don’t know how their relationship progresses on the show, but I don’t feel like either of them are likely to be engaged within the next few weeks. But are they still hanging out now that Paradise is done filming? After a quick Instagram deep dive, it appears that the answer is yes.

Yesterday, Tayshia posted this picture of herself fishing on a boat at sunset. Great pic, great sunset, 10/10. But the plot thickened when someone in the comments asked if she’s on JPJ’s boat. Wait, what?? Tayshia responded with a cryptic message about how she lives in Newport Beach, and there are lots of boats there too, but she didn’t actually answer the question. Then, Tayshia deleted the post altogether, which is definitely suspicious behavior.

First of all, this photo was not taken in Newport Beach. In the Betchelor podcast Facebook group, numerous California residents were quick to point out that this is not what sunsets in Newport Beach look like. It 100% looks like she is on a lake. I mean, there are trees in the background, and they’re not palm trees!

Aside from the location being questionable, there’s also the fact that the boat just like, is John Paul Jones’ boat. Here is a photo that JPJ recently posted of himself on said boat:

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Well I'll tell you Stew, I did battle some humungous waves. But like I told the guy on ABC, danger is my business.

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I mean, what else do I even need to say? Look at the cupholders. Look at the seat cushions. Look at the railings. It’s the same f*cking boat. Tayshia and John Paul Jones can play dumb all they want (and they’re probably contractually obligated not to say anything), but we’re all seeing right through it. I have a feeling that someone from production reached out to Tayshia and was like “Hey, you need to take this down, we can all tell you’re on JPJ’s boat.” I don’t blame her for feeling herself on the boat, but she seriously underestimated the sleuthing powers of Betchelor Nation.

So obviously Tayshia and John Paul Jones are still on good terms after Paradise, but I guess the main question is whether they’re in a real relationship, or whether Tayshia is pulling a Blake and buying a plane ticket “just to kiss.” I honestly don’t know if I have the capacity to get invested in any Paradise couple, except maybe Demi and her girlfriend. In general, I’m just here for the drama.

Images: ABC thebetchelor, johnpauljonesjohnpauljones / Instagram

It’s Not About Stagecoach: What We’re Getting Wrong About Blake Vs. Caelynn

I’m going to be honest with you guys, this past week has been tough for me. And no, not because of stress at work or because I’m trying out some new strict diet, but rather, because of all of the Bachelor In Paradise drama that has taken our pop culture and entertainment world by storm. I’ve personally been agonizing over which side of #BachelorNation I should be on: Caelynn’s or Blake’s? It’s legit the only thing I’ve been thinking about the past so I figured I might as well process this as I write about it.

In a few words:

Before we start, I have a few things to disclaim: I actually liked Blake on The Bachelorette, and I disliked Caelynn on The Bachelor. I can’t explain it, but there’s just a deceptive and fake vibe Caelynn emits that makes me not trust her. Also, my best friend is a pageant girl so I have heard first-hand stories regarding these types of girls for years now. And, let’s just say, some of them lose their sh*t over this pageant stuff. Suffice it to say, my opinions on this Blake/Caelynn feud surprised even me. So let’s get into the drama at hand.

It Goes Down In (Blake’s) DMs…

First, I need to express in no uncertain terms that I believe that 90% of the guys who go on The Bachelor are losers. And by “losers” I simply mean that they’re the kind of guys who aren’t used to attention, but have craved it their whole lives. They never got to be homecoming king or frat president—heck, they were lucky if they even got into a frat, let alone get voted Safety and Wellness Chair. The other 10% consists of 2 groups:  5% that go on the show solely because they get how it works—they know it will bring them easy fame (looking at you, Jed)—and then, the final 5% are genuinely great guys who genuinely go on the show naively in search of love… or were submitted for the show by a pushy family member.

Which leads me to my genuine belief, said best by the Queen of Paradise herself, Demi: “Blake is a loser.” And I don’t mean that in a malicious way. I mean it in the way that he’s a loser at heart, and is not used to being the “cool guy”. Look, I think Blake is cute and genuinely a good person. But I think, prior to the show, he never experienced what it’s like to be the hot guy every girl is after. Blake used to be the type of guy who couldn’t get a girl to save his life, and now, he has an Instagram DM box overflowing with hot women. This has led to the creation of our current Blake, a genuinely good guy at heart turned f*ckboy because he doesn’t know how to handle all of this positive attention from the opposite sex.

#StagecoachGate2019

Okay, now that I’ve provided all of the background information leading to my official stance, let’s get into the actual situation. Long story short, Blake slept with Kristina and then Caelynn on back-to-back nights at Stagecoach. He supposedly has had more than a one-time hookup type of relationship with both women. He also apparently had been DM-ing and hanging out with several other Bachelor alum prior to Paradise. Overall, not a good look.

Now, the reason that everyone (aka all of Twitter) has taken Blake’s side is due to the fact that the text messages he released showed that Caelynn was the one thirsting for Blake at Stagecoach and that they had BOTH agreed to keep their Stagecoach hookup a secret. This goes against Caelynn’s narrative that Blake ghosted her before Paradise. Sidebar, F*CK BLAKE for releasing Caelynn’s drunk texts! I can’t think of anything more mortifying than this. 

Now, here’s the thing—according to what we were told by Caelynn (and which has also been confirmed from several other reliable sources of people within The Bachelor franchise) this Stagecoach hookup wasn’t their first hookup, nor was it some random one night stand. To put it simply, you just don’t have that type of flirty texting rapport with a random stranger who you don’t know.

In the post-hookup texts, Caelynn totally agreed to hide the hookup. The “hookup” being the key word here: she agreed to hide the hookup, not to hide the whole entire f*cking relationship. This is the kind of situation that I guarantee a lot of us have been in. You’re blackout, see an ex or ex-fling out at the bar and, even though you KNOW your “relationship” is technically done, you also know they’re comfortable, so you drunk text them because you have no inhibitions. The next day you wake up hungover af, and severely regret your drunken backsliding, but have to just move on with your life. However, in Blake and Caelynn’s situation, “moving on with their lives” is actually “going to Paradise where the entire country watches you try to find love while untangling this very 2019 issue.”

Welcome to “Paradise”…

Okay, so now again, imagine you are these two. You were both drunk and hooked up, but a week from now you’re both headed to Paradise, where you have a real shot at finding love. You two have already tried an actual relationship and it didn’t work. So why on earth would you both go into this new experience and declare to everyone that you just recently hooked up? That’s going to turn off potential suitors in both directions, especially if Caelynn and Blake had already started building relationships by talking to people prior to BIP, which, according to Caelynn, Blake was definitely doing.

Therefore, these two agree to not disclose the hookup. But, here’s where I think the majority of people are getting it wrong: yes, Caelynn agreed that there was no need to share their Stagecoach hookup, but she probably didn’t think they were agreeing to hide the entire relationship and completely ignore each other in Paradise. Like, imagine how hurtful that would be? For her “ex” to hide that they ever had any form of relationship would be such a stab to the ego!

Now, the next issue Bachelor Nation is in arms over is Caelynn claiming that Blake ghosted her which, mind you, is still possibly separate from their post-Stagecoach hookup texts. It sounds like, prior to their Stagecoach hookup, they were 100% in a “relationship” of sorts, but Blake’s f*ckboy ways got the best of him and he pulled away out of whatever “relationship” they had. Then, after seeing each other at Stagecoach (and probably flirting while there) Caelynn drunk texted him, to which Blake of course responded. So, due to their hookup and friendship text conversations post their drunken hook-up, Blake doesn’t believe he actually ghosted her. But, from my understanding, the “ghosting” actually happened months prior when they were actually in their non-official “relationship” with one another and Blake faded out. 

Also, sidenote, for Blake to deny that he and Caelynn were ever in an actual relationship infuriates me to no avail. @Blake, @Jed, and @allothermillenialf*ckboys: just because you don’t put an official label on it doesn’t mean you weren’t in a relationship. If what Caelynn said was true, and they were FaceTiming three times a day, talking on the phone, and hanging out, then they were in a relationship. Whether they officially referred to one another as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” or not, it’s still considered a relationship, and it’s an immature and sh*tty move to deem it anything less.

In defense of Blake, I’m not mad at him for sleeping with Kristina and Caelynn back-to-back, especially given the fact that Caelynn was clearly wanting it at Stagecoach. What I AM mad at Blake for is denying that they ever had any type of relationship and for completely ignoring Caelynn when she showed up at Paradise. (And if that was all just editing then kudos to producers, you had me fooled!)

Now, my greatest piece of evidence in favor of Caelynn is the mental breakdown she had to Blake in last week’s night two episode. I’ve never related to anything more or really felt for a reality TV star than the way I did to Caelynn in this moment. I’ve been there in that exact deep emotional spiral, as I’m sure many of you also have. It’s that, “I feel crazy but I know I’m not crazy and that I actually have the right to feel this way, but I’m trying to play it cool, but I’m actually not cool and actually, you’re crazy but I will to be the one to look crazy so F*CK YOU” type of meltdown.

We’re all very aware that Caelynn is a pageant girl and is therefore experienced in keeping her sh*t together and staying cool under pressure. Therefore, for her to have such an intense, emotional, out-of-control breakdown spiral says something about the nature of her and Blake’s relationship. If it genuinely was just a “one night stand” and Caelynn was just pissed off that Blake ghosted her after, she probably would have had a more even-keeled and annoyed reaction like Kristina’s. But, when you’ve had an actual relationship with someone and then see them and they act like you don’t exist and like you never meant anything to them, then you have a reaction like Caelynn’s.

Final Thoughts

So here’s where I’m at: Blake, you’re a f*ckboy. It’s all about the games for you, and you are in a very selfish time of your life which like, fine, that’s fair. I understand, but you NEED to be humbled. I believe you’re a good guy and are doing anything you can to protect your reputation right now. You genuinely don’t believe you did anything wrong because that’s what you’ve been telling yourself to justify your actions. Blake, the reason people like you is because you’re sensitive, cool, charismatic, and fun-loving. So just man up, own your sh*t, and we’ll all forgive you! Just publicly recognize that you and Caelynn had a relationship, whether it was explicitly defined or not, apologize for upsetting her and making her feel crazy, and then we can all move on. Stop dwelling on this, and on being right, because, realistically, if you actually were fully confident that you were right, you wouldn’t be retaliating the way you are, posting a drunk girl’s text messages. All I have left to say to you is, good luck getting any late night booty calls from girls at this point!

Now, for Caelynn, I f*ckin’ feel you sis. You’re a beautiful girl and any guy would be LUCKY to be with you…especially a guy like Blake. However, I don’t think you’re defending yourself correctly in this situation. You need to address the fact that, whether he officially deemed it a relationship or not, you two did have an actual relationship prior to your drunken Stagecoach night together. Therefore, it’s not actually about the fact that he slept with Kristina and then you. Like, yeah, that sucks and it hurts, and the way he supposedly acted the  next morning is extremely douchey. But none of that is the actual problem. I get that you probably did still have feelings for him when you slept with him, and so the fact that he slept with someone else the night prior and was blatantly talking to other girls in front of you was hard for you. However, you need to let that part go because, at that point, he had already made it clear to you that you two weren’t a “thing” anymore by, I’m assuming, ghosting you. By focusing on his Stagecoach hookups, you’re making it way harder for people to be on your side. When, in reality. I think everyone, especially fellow women out there, would be on your side over the fact that, Blake showing up to Paradise and not even talking to you or wanting to tell anyone that you guys have a history is f*cked up. No one should EVER be ashamed to be with you, Caelynn, and you know that, which is why I think you’re dragging his name through the mud more than you should be. You’re hurt, and I get it, but this whole thing will be a lot easier if you just focus on your own feelings and what he’s done to hurt you rather than on Blake’s “single guy actions” which, in an argument of right versus wrong, he technically had the “right” to do.

All I have left to say is that I’m excited AF for the rest of the season and, in the infamous words of Chris Harrison, actually think this will be, “the most dramatic season ever.”

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The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Karma & Kristina Come For Blake

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Welcome to the Bachelor in Paradise, week one, night two recap! It’s Britney, Betch and I are tag teaming these recaps this season because there are only so many ways one person can say “just burn it all to the ground” before they get put on suicide watch. Plus, we are each only happy if the other is submitted to the same torture in life. It’s a beautiful friendship, isn’t it? So, let’s get started!

Previously on BiP, Hannah G made out with Dylan to pass the time, Blake took Tayshia on a date and then Kristina showed up and immediately asked him on a date, and Caelynn was one margarita away from pulling a 2007 Britney Spears and shaving her head in the ladies’ communal bathroom.

On the beach, everyone is sitting around talking about how Blake is the “it guy” of Paradise, and how he’s such a hot commodity. Wills rolls his eyes, and so I guess he is the on-camera surrogate for the audience this season.

THIS GUY?! Really? THIS GUY?

Blake pulls Tayshia away from the group to clear the air because Kristina asked him to go on a date that day. He basically tells her he had a great time last night but given the chance he’s totally going to f*ck Kristina today. So sweet!

Meanwhile, Caelynn continues to be horrified that the mediocre white man who ghosted her is somehow still popular with the ladies. Duh! Welcome to the real world, Caelynn! I’ve been ghosted so much my whole phone just went up in a puff of smoke.

Blake And Kristina’s Date

Blake and Kristina go four-wheeling on their date, because the producers love to give scorned women weapons. Personally, I prefer a knife for a more personal murder experience, but I guess this will do in a pinch.

After Kristina somehow does NOT crash the passenger side of the four-wheeler into a tree, they head to a random seating area where she tells Blake that he walked all over her, but that Paradise is about second chances, so she’d like to give him a chance to walk all over her again. Poor Kristina! When will she learn? Her fellow Russian orphans would be so disappointed in her.

Blake attempts to explain himself by telling Kristina that he and Caelynn “took it too far” but they “both agreed” that sleeping together was a mistake. Hmmm, Caelynn’s fragile mental state says otherwise. He is also pissed that Kristina dare question the actions of him, a single man, because obviously only women should be called out for sleeping with multiple partners!! Doesn’t she know this?!

Okay, at this point I’m just so confused. Why did Kristina waste a date card to confront Blake? She could have just roasted him on the beach in front of everyone and it would have been way better. Or she could have just put Nair in his hair gel! Food dye in his sunscreen! Antifreeze in his cocktail! So many better ways to get even!

As Blake and Kristina return from their nightmare of a date, Caelynn, powered by sheer hatred, heat stroke, and 20 vodka sodas, takes this opportunity to pull Blake aside.

Caelynn is unraveling by the hair extensions as she calls him out for saying they were a mistake. She says that she feels like a disgusting secret that he is ashamed of, and that she just can’t keep his secret any longer, neglecting to mention that she has already blabbed about it to everyone in the house: Wells the bartender, the local wildlife, and a coconut, which in her defense really looked like Hannah’s head!

Blake is distraught. He is in tears. He just wanted to come to the beach, sleep with the women on the show that didn’t answer his DM’s, and now they are all running around calling him names! He’s telling his Mommy on them!!!!

Demi calls Blake a loser and THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING, PEOPLE. It’s the haircut. Well, that and the man whoring, of course.

Blake is lamenting that he “looks so bad, man”, and yes Blake, that’s what happens when you do bad things. You look bad. Because you are bad. He also cries that nobody will be into him now and it’s like my GOD Blake, we’re being a little dramatic, aren’t we? I reserve phrases like that for that one time I dyed my hair black thinking I would look like Megan Fox and instead looked like a drowned raccoon. Besides, there’s no need to look so glum. Annaliese will probably still have you!

We wake up on the third day of Paradise, and miraculously God has not yet struck down this sinful little beach town. Demi sums everything up for us. She and Derek are hanging out. Hannah is killing time until someone hotter comes along with Dylan, and everyone is gossiping about the Caelynn/Blake drama.

Wills grabs Hannah and chats her up. Hannah says she is making an effort to be open in Paradise and I am guessing that means with her legs, because the only thing I’ve heard her say thus far is that her favorite food is charcuterie boards and I don’t even believe her. They make out, so that confirms my suspicions about what “open” means.

Dylan tells Hannah he can’t see himself with anyone else, and she looks very worried because she is totally going to bang other people. She tells Dylan that Wills kissed her and he dies a little inside, but with a smile on his face. What a guy!

We turn to the beach where everyone is watching Clay work out. Nicole is openly drooling, and JPJ is pouting at Clay’s perfect physique, but then he stares at his own reflection in the camera, and whispers, “no, you’re the fairest one of all.” He’ll be okay.

Ooooh Bibi also has a crush on Clay. I love her because I identify with her, and I just want her to be happy. Clay tells her she is hot multiple times, but then is all over Nicole. Bibi and I don’t like this. Just as Clay and Nicole are about to get cozy, Demi cock blocks him with a date card. Clay asks Nicole on the date and Bibi is devastated. What is wrong with us? Why won’t anyone love us! Errrr I mean… what is wrong with HER, why won’t anyone love HER?!

Bibi: Clay already gets me SO much that’s why he didn’t ask me on this date

Me:

Sure Jan

Back at the bar, Annaliese is gossiping with Chris and Cam (two of my predictions for her!) and claims that Clay recently saw Angela and she doesn’t believe it’s over. She confronts Clay and she is in tears, and it’s like chill Annaliese, he’s not going to make you get in a bumper car, just calm down. The discussion goes like this:

Annaliese: You aren’t here for the right reasons
Clay: What reasons am I here for?
Annaliese: You suck at football, no one would pick you up, and now you need a new income stream.

Wow. Did she hit the nail on the head or what?

Clay and Nicole go to a carnival on their date. Nicole rides a mechanical bull, and Clay tells Nicole that he is over his relationship with Angela. I am exhausted by this Angela business. She has gotten more airtime on this season THAT SHE DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR ON than she ever did on any other season of The Bachelor.

In case you forgot what she looks like because I sure did:

Nicole says this feels like the beginning of something special, and if by “something special” she means bad drunk sex, then I would have to agree!

Guys, I can’t with Blake’s crocodile tears, saying “I’m going to have to go into hiding,” and “I can’t imagine what people will think of me.” Okay dude, you aren’t Osama bin Laden you are literally just a 30-year-old f*ckboy who needs a new to find a new barber. It will be fine.

The Cocktail Party

We have made it to the first cocktail party of the season, aka the part where we find out who is desperate enough to make out with Cam.

I love that Demi has become the narrator of this episode, can she get some of that Chris Harrison bread?

Blake pulls Tayshia aside to find out if she knows how much of a piece of sh*t he is. Surprise, Blakey, she knows! He quickly moves on to Caelynn to see if she still thinks he’s a piece of sh*t. Surprise, Blakey, she still does!

And ding, ding, ding we have a winner!!! It looks like Caelynn is the one desperate enough for Cam’s rose. They make out. And she says the more she gets to know him, the more she likes him. That sounds like a lie. Something tells me Cam will be very disappointed next week when the women have the roses…

Jane decides to shoot her shot with JPJ and does it with leftover tacos she found sitting out in the kitchen. Finally, someone speaking my love language! Unfortunately, JPJ immediately starts throwing up in the sand and I’m having horrific flashbacks to Spring Break ‘09 in Panama City Beach. That was totally food poisoning too, Mom!

Jane claims she’s not trying to kill him, but that’s what every murderer on SVU says. I can’t imagine what could be in a taco that would immediately cause someone to puke but I guess that skim milk of a man just can’t handle the spice.

Annaliese and Chris are making out and they are doing a cheesy doctor thing and I wish I was dead.

Chris: I need a prescription for three more kisses
Me:

Oh, hey! Maybe that’s what made JPJ hurl.

Back at the bar, Bibi is crying because no one loves her, and I don’t know what that feels like at all because that totally wasn’t me at my younger brother’s wedding this weekend, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hannah tells Wills that she doesn’t want to waste his rose tonight and that her heart is tugging in another direction. Wills, I know you are feeling sad right now, but just help yourself to one of those edibles a producer snuck onto the plane for you and it will all be better soon, sweetie!

Blake then pulls Hannah aside because they “have something special.” So basically she’s the last woman on earth who won’t spit on his grave? Hannah is into it because she is trying to be “open.” Enough with that word open! If I hear it again I am going to take this bottle of wine to the face (kidding, it’s already gone). Also, it’s nice to be open but my God Hannah, Dylan is way cuter and Blake probably has VD.

Hannah tells Dylan that she made out with Blake, and poor Dylan has now basically swapped spit with half the dudes in Paradise and we’re only a few days into this dumpster fire. Another piece of him dies. Soon there will be nothing left of sweet Dylan.

He then goes to seek advice at the bar, and I love that they all take wisdom from Wells as if he is a mental health counselor, or a priest, or their mom, but really he is just a fake bartender forced to be on this show to pay off an engagement ring that he spent way too much money on.

And that’s all folks! We are four godforsaken hours into this show and we still have not gotten a rose ceremony and Chris Harrison has only been on camera for 45 seconds. Tune in next week to see who gets a rose and who has enough self-respect to just send themselves home. Until then!

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