The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Smells Like Desperation

If you’re reading this, you’ve officially outlived David Spade’s stint as a temporary celebrity host on season 7 of Bachelor in Paradise. (Please don’t pat yourself on the back. This is a loss for all of us.) As all BiP viewing veterans should know, we have now entered the most lawless part of a season: the final push before the first Rose Ceremony where contestants without a confirmed rose start to lose their fucking minds. 

This particularly cursed episode opens with Demi—who arrived in Paradise at the end of last week’s premiere—choosing violence. Those who haven’t been following along with her life on social media since she got engaged to her then-girlfriend Kristian on Season 6 of BiP (and by “those,” I mean Brendan) are provided with a quick update. 

DAVID SPADE: So… you got engaged. What happened with that?
DEMI: Well, we got un-engaged. Hello? 

Proving that they are truly the male and female versions of each other, Demi and David Spade have a quick little moment in which they both thrive off the drama they know she’s about to bring to the beach. He hands her a first date card and says, “Looking forward to the chaos,” and Demi gets on her merry way to make the rest of the contestants sweat more than they already have been in this Mexican heat. She’s definitely getting the villain edit this season (which I guess is hardly an edit when it’s self-orchestrated), which sucks for Goddess Victoria, who clearly thought she was a shoe-in for that role. 

A Healthy Dose of Date Card Drama

Right off the bat, Demi invites Connor B. to “go for a chat,” and he immediately loses his ability to play it cool by essentially foaming at the mouth when he realizes she knows his first name. They bond over cats (because Connor B. famously arrived to Katie Thurston’s season in a full-on cat costume), which would have been a snoozefest of a scene had Demi not sprinkled her own little brand of chaos into the mix. She tells Connor B. that she has seven cats, then immediately admits that she only has three, but that she always tells people she has seven because it sounds more impressive. Truly a landmark moment for dog people everywhere. Shockingly, this conversation doesn’t seem to seal their fate as star-crossed lovers, so Demi ditches him for a chat and hand-holding session with Brendan. She then decides she’d like to go on a date with Brendan, which sends Natasha (who was previously feeling pretty secure in her ability to snatch up Brendan’s rose this week) into a downward spiral. 

NATASHA: I’m feeling like I need a little alone time.

Brendan and Demi go through your typical BiP date of making out and jet skiing, so it seems to be going as well as a forced televised interaction could go, which of course means shit’s about to hit the fan. Demi admits to knowing that she wanted to get with Brendan since she saw photos of him, to which he’s like, “I didn’t know you existed until a few hours ago.” He then proceeds to tell her that although he’s having a great time, he’s weighing all other options, particularly the ones that do not include spending the rest of his life with Demi. 

Demi handles the rejection like any reasonable person with an IMDb page full of reality television credits would: absolutely horribly. She commits to becoming Hurricane Demi, but Brendan, being your standard millennial man living through the worst climate crisis in the history of mankind, is pretty unfazed by that, and figuratively carries out his plans to vacation in an area that’s under extreme flood watch. 

Back at the beach, everyone’s gossiping about the fact that Brendan is potentially in a relationship (you know, out in the real world) with Pieper from Matt’s season. We then get a quick pulse check on Natasha, which reveals that she is, in fact, doing considerably worse than she was when we first discovered she was in a downward spiral. 

Serena C., Victoria L., and Kelsey the Champagne Girl proceed to mope around the beach because they know their shot at love (and higher #sponcon rates) is probably going to be over soon, since they have yet to secure roses. Victoria P. decides to go for James, even though she cannot remember his name. She admits that she’ll know she’s with the right person when she “gets the chills,” which unfortunately has yet to happen. To which I say: Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s*. 

*A beach resort in Mexico that is intentionally not air-conditioned to promote chaos between contestants. 

And Now, For A Genuine Moment Between Two People We’re Actually Rooting For

As I mentioned earlier, the second episode of a season of Paradise is the closest thing reality television has to purgatory, but this time, the producers give us a refreshing break. In what is potentially one of the most authentic conversations the Bachelor franchise has ever aired, Jessenia and Ivan use the second date card of the episode as an opportunity to actually get to know one another on a deeper level in a way that does not involve water sports, surface-level discussions, or dry humping in a cabana. During an intimate dinner, the pair have a conversation about their shared experience confronting racism in the Bachelor franchise

Ivan acknowledges that, although his decision to tackle tough conversations on TV certainly wasn’t easy, it must have been especially difficult for Jessenia because “people tend to be harder on women.” Are we experiencing an intersectional moment on Bachelor in Paradise?! I never thought we’d see the day. These two proceed to be excellent communicators together, and prove that they’ve got what it takes to be open and honest with their intentions with one another. Here’s to hoping the producers can (for the first time in history) put aside their obsession with messiness to allow an actually good thing to happen for once. 

Well, Well, Well. How The Turn Tables…

Demi retreats from her disastrous date with Brendan to tell the rest of the girls that although it was an extremely “sexual” experience, she is now out for blood. They decide this feels like a good time to fill Demi in on the Pieper rumors, and she absolutely loses her mind when she discovers that Brendan has “wasted her time” by making out with her on a date SHE invited HIM on… as if she did not just come off a season of this same exact show in which she was hanging out with Derek, only to reveal that she had been hitting it off with Kristian at home. Make it make sense! <sarcasm> I’m sure when the producers inevitably bring Pieper to Paradise, Demi will handle it just as honorably as Derek did when Kristian arrived at the beach and eventually got engaged to Demi. </sarcasm> 

Brendan doesn’t have much to say about the Pieper drama, but he does tell Natasha that he has the “strongest connection” with her. IDK, something about a man who just admitted to wanting to keep his options open in conversation with a woman he was making out with telling me that I’m his favorite of the three ladies he’s been tied to lately feels… not great? It also seems as though the producers are trying to recreate the Blake and Caelynn drama from last season, but unfortunately, “the Brendan and Pieper” drama just doesn’t have the same ring to it as Stagecoach-gate did. 

Elsewhere, Victoria P. is trying to learn more about James by asking him questions like “what is your first name?” and “when you get up in the morning, do you pee outside? Or do you pee inside?” While she’s conducting this class-A interrogation, Tammy is doing what she does best: getting involved in everyone else’s drama instead of creating her own storyline. As if this hasn’t already ended horribly for her personally before, I urge this woman to watch just like, ONE episode of any reality show ever. Serving as a plot device in someone else’s story is never the way to finding love and/or becoming a household name. She decides to stir up some drama by revealing that Victoria P. has a boy back in Nashville and is just trying to secure a rose for fame. (For those who are new to Bachelor Nation, the scientific term for this is, “here for the wrong reasons.”) 

All of us upon learning that someone would go on a reality show for fame:


Vaguely Notable Moments From The First Cocktail Party

Next, Bartender Wells sets us up for the first cocktail party of the season, which is really just an elaborate way for producers to remind us that although the majority of this two-hour episode has been spent harping on drama between like, four people, there are a bunch of other contestants you may have forgotten about. Some key takeaways here include: Noah has a lot of necklaces on and is in a “good place” with Abigail, Ivan and Jessenia are being adorable, Tahzjuan is still sweating, and Kenny finally put some pants on. 

Serena C. then gives us one of the cringiest moments thus far by freestyling for Aaron while he beatboxes in an attempt to be “more creative” in her pursuit of love. While I would have loved to provide you with the full lyrics of her freestyle, I unfortunately had no choice but to spike my laptop across the room and duck and cover when she opened with the line, “I’m going to do my best to keep this classy, I just want you to know I’m a little bit sassy.” I can, however, report that at one point she rhymed something with the phrase “sit on your face.” 

Tammy takes a quick break from trying to ruin everyone else’s time to get her rose situation back in order. Shortly after Serena C. and Aaron finish their awkward interaction, Tammy literally mounts him, and Aaron tells America that he has a boner. Lovely. When Tammy is finished with that, she returns to her campaign of telling everyone that Victoria P. has a boyfriend at home and is a “rose chaser.” Kelsey the Champagne Girl gets in on the mess, too, probably because the Champagne Girl schtick is starting to get old. Tammy goes straight to James to deliver the news, and honestly, if everyone didn’t look so sweaty, I would jump into the TV and give him a hug.

TAMMY: You don’t mean anything to Victoria.

James confronts Victoria P. about the rumors, and she maintains that although she dated someone from February until May, they broke up before she came to Paradise, and he “encouraged to get into this with an open heart.” This sounds a lot like when Jed from Hannah Brown’s season had a fame-thirsty girlfriend at home. I am truly just begging the Bachelor franchise to give us new drama. I’ve had enough of aspiring country singers and Nashville influencers trying to scheme ways to become relevant. Even though Victoria P. seems to have an alibi, James takes the opportunity to mention some of the other red flags he’s noticed. 

JAMES: You don’t know my first name.
VICTORIA P: This is a lot.

As we’re nearing the end of the episode and need some kind of filler drama before we can see how the Rose Ceremony shakes out, Tahzjuan decides to confront Victoria L., because simply looking at the goddess stresses her out. She tells Victoria L. that she thinks she’s “going back to her old ways,” and that she doesn’t appear to be genuine. Victoria L. delivers a brilliantly engineered, Real Housewives-inspired response and says, “I really feel bad that you’re trying to create something.” It doesn’t really go much further than that, TBH. 

After realizing fighting an uphill battle is kind of a lot of work, Victoria P. makes the decision to head home. In the limo, she says, “I realized I don’t have to search for what I already have at home,” which I guess confirms that… she does have a boyfriend? Cool, cool, cool. James makes an announcement to the group to let everyone know that Victoria P. has left.

DEMI: I’m going for James. F*ck it. 

Demi admits it was “silly” of her to get so worked up over how she was going to find a rose by the end of the night. Kelsey’s still pretty certain that she’s going to end up with James’ rose, but I’d like to remind her that never in the HISTORY of the Bachelor franchise has playing the “this girl is here for the wrong reasons!” card worked in anyone’s favor. Usually, it ends up proving that the alleged wrong-reasoner is being sketchy, but also that the finger-pointer is obsessed with drama and too irrelevant to have their own legitimate storyline. 

The First Rose Ceremony

As always, the Rose Ceremony kicks off with a pairing-up of all the couples who seem like they could actually make something work. Here’s how it goes down: 

Ivan chooses Jessenia, noting, “We have a great foundation going, and I’d love to continue nurturing that.” I smell Neil Lane Couture!

Noah chooses Abigail. Although she previously hinted that she loves to friend-zone, Abigail admits that she’s “surprised how quickly” she’s developing a relationship with Noah. 

Grocery Store Joe chooses Serena P. I’m thrilled these two have already seemingly mastered the art of sitting their asses on the beach and staying out of drama while everyone else burns their futures to the ground. 

Connor B. chooses Maurissa

Tre chooses Tahzjuan

Karl chooses Deandra

Brendan chooses Natasha while Demi nervously stares into the void

Aaron chooses Tammy

Kenny chooses Mari

With one rose left for James to give out, Kelsey has a borderline medical emergency, and naturally, Demi thinks she’s faking it in a last-ditch effort to get the rose. Personally, I feel like it’s probably a HIPAA violation for me to comment on that one. James gives Demi his rose, which I’m sure was probably a decision a producer bribed him to make by rewarding him with a few minutes of air conditioning access. 

KELSEY (WHILE LEAVING): I’m not going to try super hard to force a connection.
ALSO KELSEY: *Essentially established a shit-talking MLM pyramid scheme to get Victoria P. sent home.*

Perhaps the greatest loss we’ve collectively suffered this episode is the elimination of Victoria L. I think she still had a lot of great one-liners and GIF-worthy moments in her, and I hope we get to see her again, someday. Although, her exit was pretty epic when she literally let the door hit her on the way out.

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Why Isn’t This The Finale?

Subscribe to receive our Betchelor recaps in your inbox

* indicates required

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Friends, I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. When the episode began I was so excited, so blessed, because I thought that after today my life was my own again. No more Tuesday nights chained to my couch, worshipping at the altar that is ABC. I could finally make plans! I could go out! I could watch that episode of SVU again! I could go to bed early! The possibilities were endless and beautiful. But most of the way through this episode I thought to myself, “it sure seems weird that they’d pack fantasy suites and proposals all into nine minutes.” And now I am devastated, because it turns out that just because you hope something is the finale, does not make it so. So here we are, just a bunch of idiots, watching the second-to-last episode of Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s get on with it, then.

On last night’s third-to-last episode of BiP (no, I’m never letting this go), Caelynn rode off into the sunset in Dean’s van, Old Matt Donald couldn’t remember the new girl’s name, Kristina finally got her revenge on Blake for Stagecoach, and they both went home.

It’s daytime on the beach and everyone is discussing the end of Paradise. JPJ is feeling pressure over what to do about Tayshia and is making predictions about what will happen with all the couples. This is fun, I also have a prediction. Here it is: All the couples will eventually break up, they will use their Z-list fame to promote fit tea/start a podcast/write a book and then fade into oblivion when a YouTube star steals their spotlight. Just a hunch!

Haley asks Demi if she would be ready for an engagement and Demi looks like Haley just dared her to bite the head off a dead frog. Kristian is stressed about it and venting her frustrations to Katie and Hannah. Katie gives her a hug, and uh-oh, is she flirting with other girls again?! That Kristian really gets around.

Demi and Kristian are having a serious chat about their feelings and yet they’re not even looking at each other. It’s like what happens when I ask my puppy if she knows how much it hurts me when she deliberately pees on my shoes. Demi says she wants to get engaged and she wants to be with Kristian but she is still worried about what people will think if they see them kissing on the street.

I have a feeling that Tayshia and JPJ aren’t going to work out. Their serious conversation goes a little like this:

JPJ: I think we’re on the same página

I know fake laughter when I see it, because I do it every day at work.

Hannah and Dylan get a date card and it appears this date will consist of attending a birthday party for a Mexican child? This poor thing. I hope the producers slipped him a pile of cash. Although, if this is what they’re doing for dates now, are they all out of cash?

After they sing “Happy Birthday,” take pictures of the kids, and show them how to Facetune their bodies into the perfect hourglass shape, Dylan tells Hannah he is in love with her. She says it back. Sure.

Then Dylan tries to speak Spanish and it’s so embarrassing. The American education system has failed him. He tells people that “My name is Hannah!” That alone would make me break up with him and enter witness protection.

Back on the beach, Connor, the only person that should still be invited to a child’s birthday party, tells us that he met Whitney at the wedding and that he’s into her. Does he know she’s not on this show? You can’t “only be on Paradise” for someone that isn’t there! Also, I think they should have just filmed this whole season at that wedding. I’m sure that show would have it all! People sleeping together, people puking in their sheets, people pretending this marriage will last longer than five months, people looking at Blake in disgust. THAT’S a show I would watch.

Connor says if Whitney doesn’t come down the stairs he is just going to leave Paradise. Well yeah, the show is over, so they’re going to make you leave, sweetie. It’s about time for freshman year to start, anyway.

It seems the producers heard Connor’s wails of desperation, because they are sending Whitney to meet him. At the same time, Connor decides to leave because Whitney isn’t there. It’s just like the Gift of the Magi! Except instead of being a beautiful story about love and sacrifice, it’s about two semi-undressed Instagram groupies just missing each other.

Production lets Connor grab his bookbag, get on the big yellow school bus, and let the wheels go round and round all the way home, despite the fact that Whitney is en route. I love that the producers are doing this. If they are not instruments of the Devil then they surely are just on lots of cocaine.

Whitney walks in with her date card and Sydney is like “ohhhhhh sh*t, yeah he went home.” Whitney decides to chase after him. I imagine it will go a little like that scene in Love, Actually, only with less clothes and no real feelings involved.

Apparently they put Connor in a hotel before sending him home? HOW CONVENIENT. Whitney tells him that she chased after him. Wow, they get to be together and be in air conditioning, they played this right. They make out on the balcony and I’m so happy that their drunken connection at a pretend TV wedding has brought them together. True love does exist!

View this post on Instagram

Here’s to last-minute love! 🥂❤️ #BachelorInParadise

A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on

Clay and Nicole go on a date. Clay says they’ll need to talk logistics, and wow, this is getting so romantic so fast. Clay thinks that he can possibly get to a place where he would maybe eventually at some time in the very distant future get a two-bedroom apartment with Nicole if it’s big enough.

And then Nicole tells him she’s falling for him. Clay looks like someone put eyedrops in his drink and the effects are starting to reach his digestive system. But he also manages to mumble reluctantly that he is falling in love with her. Then they dance to a serenade and Clay kisses Nicole to stifle his screams.

Tayshia pulls JPJ aside and says she has something serious to discuss. No, it’s not about their future. No, it’s not about the meaning of life. It’s about JPJ stuffing his dick into a tiny denim speedo. But of course. And then she draws him like one of her French girls.

They’re trying to recreate Titanic, and if I didn’t already hate that movie I’d be pretty pissed. Is this supposed to be hot? Because all I can think about is how long it will take me to get my sex drive back after watching this.

If I may say so, she did not do a good job.

To top it all off, they stand on the balcony and JPJ shouts that he’s king of the world. Neither one of them falls. Pity.

Chris and Katie remind us they are still here by being mopey and annoying. To be fair, I do the same to my mom.

Chris Harrison then shows up and basically tells everyone it’s time for the single losers to GTFO. He cancels the cocktail party, and decides it’s time to get this rose ceremony on the road. He has a massage scheduled in a half hour.

Chris calls this week “volatile” like they were hit by Hurricane Dorian, and it wasn’t just people leaving Paradise to go DM better options at home.

The men are handing out the roses tonight:

Luke gives his rose to Bri. SHE SAYS NO. And yet, she doesn’t leave, she just goes right back to her spot. This is awkward. Chris asks the class if anyone would like Luke’s rose. No one does!! He sends him home. I just died of secondhand embarrassment. Carry on.

View this post on Instagram

SIDE POST | I’m literally bawling my eyes out @lukestonedc deserves better! I literally couldn’t even watch this part and it’s not even the fact that I felt bad for me it’s the fact that I really wanted him to find love. I love you Luke S and I know that you’ll find your forever eventually 🥺💓 ( btw I would have taken that rose in a heartbeat) I hope you see this and know that there’s a lot of fans out here who love you!✨ #bachelorinparadise

A post shared by Dylan Barbour (@babydylaann) on

On his way out, Luke says, “I think I made the right decision to leave.” Oh honey, they kicked you out.

Matt gives his rose to Bri. She says yes.

Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.

JPJ gives his rose to Tayshia.

Clay gives his rose to Nicole, and then gives her a platonic hug.

Demi gives her rose to Kristian.

Chris gives his rose to Katie.

Lol Sydney leaves saying, “Matt’s gonna get dumped.” At least you can leave knowing you’re right, Sydney. Then she cries in the car, because she’s “tired of waiting.” Well you know what, Sydney? I am tired of listening to classically attractive, cosmetically enhanced people cry “poor me, poor me” on my TV for four hours every single week, BUT I’M STILL DOING IT. We’re all f*cking tired. Grow up!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up in a sports coat, ready to kick the idiots that are less committed to this charade out of Paradise. He tells the couples to have a serious conversation and decide if they are ready to take the next step, and if not, to stop living on his dime and go buy their own GD iced coffee at the airport.

Matt pulls Bri away to talk. Matt says he feels confident and she says he only picked her because she’s hot, he doesn’t know anything about her, and he can go shave his back now. Hey, at least he remembered your name, Bri!

Chase and Angela wave goodbye lol. Maybe they’ll see each other again on the next season of Ex on the Beach! When will Chase age out of that?

Hannah and Dylan decide to continue on and go to fantasy suites. Duh, she won’t break his little cropped sweatshirt-loving heart until she’s milked all the screen time out of this she can.

Clay and Nicole go talk. Naturally, she is crying. He says he is hopeful but he can’t even look her in the eyes, and as I have learned from those SVU reruns, that means he’s hiding something.

JPJ tells Tayshia he has had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. And that he’d like to dance with her at their wedding someday and that he’s in love with her. She kisses him, but all she says back is “That’s a lot, huh?”

Then Tayshia continues on to say that she’s definitely not there yet. She also tells him he doesn’t actually know what he wants. JPJ repeats again that he’s had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. They must have accidentally written it again on the cue card. Stupid drunk interns! Then he leaves. Tayshia chases after him to say she is sorry. He carries her away. This is not your wedding day, sir. This is your breakup. He leaves pretty quickly after that—he must have heard about that air conditioning from Connor.

JPJ doesn’t even vomit once throughout that whole exchange, and that’s how I know this whole thing was staged.

Kristian and Demi go to talk. Demi feels insecure, and recognizes that her anxiety is getting in her way. She tells Kristian she is scared but that she wants to keep on going and growing. I am thankful this conversation is finally over.

Now it’s Chris and Katie’s turn to go and talk. He cries. I’m crying too Chris, I’M CRYING TOO. Katie starts crying. We are all crying now. For different reasons, I think. He says that he pushes people away that he likes. Save it for your therapy session, Chris. Actually no, just Venmo me $200 for this hour of listening to your sh*t and we’ll call it even. Katie tells him she wants to be with him, and whether he chooses her or not, he clearly needs to get mental help. He decides he wants to give it a shot. She does too. Seems like this will work.

Chris Harrison shows up and tells them to have fun fornicating tonight, but also maybe talk about life, please.

And yes, it is as I feared. The finale is next Tuesday. I hate these people. I hate ABC. Farewell.

Images: ABC; giphy (3), bachelorinparadise, babydylaann/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: JPJ Is Officially On Our Sh*t List

Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! For those of you who thought ABC would give us a brief reprieve from the grueling four-hour-a-week schedule of this godforsaken show just because of a little thing like a national holiday, well think again bitch! If there’s one thing I know about the good people over at ABC, it’s that they do their best work when their audience is more sleep deprived and sunburnt than the contestants. In fact, I am force-feeding myself wine as we speak, even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours guzzling White Claw and now the mere smell of alcohol sends a cold chill down my spine. But ya know, how else are we to tolerate Nicole’s sad desperation? Onward!

Last week, Krystal and The Goose got married, Dean dumped Caelynn for his van, Angela and Clay had a moment, and we found out that John Paul Jones, like, hates our podcast or something. Which brings us to this week: we open with Nicole telling the cameras that dating a man for three weeks has changed her entire outlook on life. That is a bold statement considering the most personal thing she knows about Clay is how many reps he can do with her sitting on his back while drinking a margarita.

Cue Angela walking into Paradise. Angela gets a date card and it basically says: “Angela, get ready to throw a grenade on the scraps of happiness your ex has happened to find here.” Chris Harrison, you petty bastard.

I love that Clay is so appalled that the producers would do this to him. He’s like, “why would Angela just show up when she knows I’m here and dating other people?” Like, dude, the producers were literally rubbing their hands together and cackling when they thought of this plotline. Of course they did this to you!! You’re lucky they didn’t also ruin your credit score and make Angela start a rumor about you having herpes.

Nicole declares that she is ready to fight for this relationship and that Clay is her boyfriend and that Angela weighs one pound. Look, these are things I mumble to myself about Tyler C and Gigi Hadid every time TMZ sends me an update about their relationship, but that doesn’t make those true statements, Nicole!! She goes to confront Angela, and guys, if the only fights we see this season are over a piñata and Clay I’m officially hanging myself.

NICOLE: Clay is MY man.
ANGELA: Honey, I’m just here to ruin his life. Chill.

Well, at least she’s honest!

No one is more upset about the potential breakup of Nicole and Clay’s relationship than Tayshia. It’s almost as if she’s focusing all of her energy on another person’s relationship so she doesn’t have to choose between an age-appropriate, decent guy with whom she could have a real connection, and a guy with really nice hair.

Tayshia goes “I’m praying for them to work out” and it’s like, really? Out of all the things in this broken world, this is what you pray for, Tayshia?

Angela chooses Mike for her date and this choice feels specifically calculated to make Clay drown himself in the ocean. I’m so proud of you, Ang!!

They go on their date and Mike is GRILLING her about Clay. He’s like “did Clay shatter your heart? Are you still emotionally devastated? Did you know he didn’t even really love you?” MIKE. This is not how you woo a lady! This is how you get a lady to set fire to everything a man knows and loves, mmkay? The fragile state of her emotions seems to be working for Mike, though, because they immediately start making out.

Moving on to our other love triangle of the evening: Hot Twin, JPJ, and Tayshia. Hot Twin declares that she has a massive crush on JPJ, and now that makes two women who have used the words “intelligence” and “John Paul Jones” in the same sentence. I’m officially concerned.

JPJ calls Derek an overgrown frat boy, and that feels a little like the beer calling the pong table black. I mean JPJ has been mimicking Keanu Reeves’ voice from Point Break the entire time he’s been on screen, but somehow Derek is the fraud??

HOT TWIN: I thought we had an instant connection?
JPJ: We did! Of course we did. I just never expected you…to be funny or very smart, you know?

And this is the master wordsmith sweeping ladies off their feet all over Mexico??

Hot Twin keeps saying how she doesn’t get the whole “Tayshia thing” but I feel like she’s really trying to say “I don’t get why he likes her now that I’m here.” I see what she means though. If a former Vegas shot girl can’t find a man to give her a few beautiful weeks on a Mexican beach and a possible UTI afterwards, then what hope is there for the rest of us?? Then again, she is down one twin. Perhaps they aren’t as powerful apart as they are when they’re together.

JPJ tells Hot Twin that Derek never should have meddled in their business and that he’s just manipulating Tayshia, and this is truly rich as he’s telling all of this to the girl he himself is manipulating. Okay, I am LIVING for Demi’s reactions in the corner. Her face is screaming “thank god I don’t date men anymore.”

HOT TWIN: I thought I’d have a good time here but I’d rather be home with my dogs.

I’D RATHER BE HOME WITH MY DOGS. HAHAHAHA. I’ve had that exact thought while online dating, followed quickly by, “if he asks me to add him on Snapchat again I will be suicidal.”

JPJ tells Hot Twin not to put her emotions or feelings on him, even though his actions directly caused her to feel this way. He sends her off with a “be a big girl” and a brisk pat on the back, and if I were him I would sleep with one eye open from now on. Or else he might wake up floating on his mattress in the ocean somewhere off the coast of Mexico…

Hot Twin asks Blake why men are always such pieces of sh*t and Blake looks as if he’s wondering if now is a good time to try and sleep with her.

Haley: men ain’t shit

Blake: #bachelorinparadise

— thebachelornationstation (@thebachelornat2) September 3, 2019

Meanwhile, Wells is like “do you think that went well? Because from here it looked like a train wreck.” Wells is not wrong here. JPJ insists that it did, indeed, go pretty good, and I swear I saw Wells pretend to zip his lips and then go back to skeptically shaking his 500th skinny margarita of the summer.

To make matters worse, Derek tries to reignite his feud with JPJ by asking if he can “talk things out” with him. Okay, I feel like the producers must have put Derek up to this, because why else would he bring this sh*t up AGAIN?

JPJ accuses Derek once again of using his fame to sleep with women on social media and it’s like, are there receipts to back up this claim or…? Because I need to see more evidence. As someone who has slid into his DMs a time or six, I know from experience that he doesn’t answer every girl’s DMs so…

As they continue to bicker, the camera cuts to Tayshia, who looks like she would rather sleep with a sea urchin at this point than either one of them. I’m sure when she pictured her time on Paradise, she envisioned making out in a hot tub or sensual massages, but probably not being the center point of a fight where one man maniacally laughs and the other defends his podcast. Tough break, kid!

Old Matt Donald and Luke S. show up in Paradise next, and the producers give them a double date because they had to tighten the budget somewhere, so it might as well be for these two. The single ladies perk up at the thought of fresh meat on the island. Hot Twin is convinced that Old Matt Donald will be into her and Tayshia is just looking for someone to help smuggle her out of Mexico at this point before either of her suitors notice. Much to their dismay, they ask Kristina and Sydney out instead.

They shouldn’t feel too upset about their misfortune, because the foursome are set loose at a Mexican restaurant. I know, I know. Mexican in Mexico? Groundbreaking. For their date they’re forced to drink spicy margaritas, which appear to be less spicy and more just straight up poisonous. I love when production tortures the contestants under the guise of them “deepening connections.” It truly sparks joy in me.

Okay, the margaritas are certainly the only thing spicy about this date. Kristina is practically in the splash zone with how sweaty Luke S is and Old Matt Donald is acting like he’s never gotten within three feet of a woman before. He’s like “I want to kiss Sydney but also I have to think about my mother.”


If you think a chaste kiss after dinner is bad, then just wait until production catches you three margs deep, straddling a stranger on a daybed! There’s always more room to bring dishonor to your family on this beach.

JPJ pulls Tayshia aside and tells her he feels “dis-ease” about their relationship, and then starts crying hysterically. That’s the Harvard-level intelligence at work right there, ladies!!

While Tayshia doesn’t seem to know how she feels about JPJ, she does know that she’s not into Derek anymore, and so she breaks up with him. She’s like “I thought that I was into you but then I thought nah.” So eloquent with her words! Look at that, folks, we’ve got another poet in the house!!

After getting dumped, Derek heads solemnly over to the bar and asks everyone to please gather close as he has some bad news to share. Okay Derek, you don’t have cancer, you just have a personality that is unattractive to women. Must we get this dramatic? Wave goodbye and get on your complimentary flight home for Christ’s sake.

And that’s all for tonight, folks! See you tomorrow for night two of this hellscape disguised as a reality TV show.

Images: Giphy (4); @thebachelornat2 /twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tahzjuan Is My Inspiration

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Welcome to week four of Bachelor in Paradise! This week was sort of a snooze for me, but that might just be because John Paul Jones got approximately 1.5 hours of speaking time last night and listening to him formulate a thought is equivalent to watching my fingernails grow. But, nevertheless, I persisted! (If you count drinking half a bottle of wine and fantasizing ways to get JPJ alone in a room with a pair of scissors “persisting”). Moving on! Last week, Demi and Kristian solidified their relationship, Grandpa Chris went on a date with Jen Sav, Katie cried, and, as Tayshia put it, Hannah and Dylan slept on a daybed for five years.

Which brings us back to this week. We open back in Paradise, and for once no one is bringing dishonor to their family name by crying on Wells’ barstool or describing in great detail the sexual acts they partook in during Stagecoach. Instead, the camera pans to all the happy couples. There’s Dylan napping with Hannah, Demi holding hands with Kristian, Caelynn straddling Dean in the pool, Clay running into the ocean to avoid Nicole’s singing, and Derek, who asks Clay and Nicole to put him out of his misery and bury him alive.

Look, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again but I AM IN YOUR DMS HELLO good guys never finish first with this godforsaken franchise. You hate to see it.

Meanwhile, Kristina and Tayshia discuss their relationship statuses. They both aren’t that into their romantic prospects thus far: Tayshia with JPJ and Kristina with that sand dune. Kristina declares that Tayshia should just date Derek because, let’s face it, JPJ has that hair so he’ll be fine. Tayshia agrees so fast that it’s almost as if this storyline was preordained by production or something. It’s crazy!

Okay, I don’t think we’ve been giving Tayshia enough credit for how manipulative she can be. She tells JPJ that she wants to see other people but instead of just saying “I’d like to explore other connections” she asks HIM if HE is hoping to see another girl walk into Paradise. When he says he only wants to go on dates with her she tells him, “no really, it’s totally okay to go on other dates.” She’s Jedi mind tricking the f*ck out of him, and that’s something I’ve been trying to perfect with men my entire life. Then again, I guess I’m pretty good at it since every man I’ve ever dated has felt free to go out on dates with other women…

JPJ: You look like Beyoncé if Beyoncé had crazy eyes.
TAYSHIA: Thank you?

Another girl walks into Paradise and we are told that she’s from Colton’s season and that her name is Tanzania. Or something. Idk, I’m two glasses of wine deep. She says she was on the show for “two seconds” but production can’t even produce any video footage to back up this claim, so it seems suspicious to say the least. I would say she’s another paid actor invited on the show to stir up drama like “Christian” was, but production’s budget is not big enough to secure the talent that is Tahzjuan. Seriously, this girl is a star in the making. Mark my words.

She asks JPJ on a date straight away. I guess when she pictures her future husband she pictures a guy who brings his fraternity paddle into the bedroom. Got it. JPJ, even though he doesn’t want to go on this date at all and is absolutely still interested in and loyal to Tayshia, takes this as an opportunity to shave his entire body before heading out. He’s like “I don’t want to go on this date, but if Tayshia wants me to, then f*ck it!” and then proceeds to shave his balls on national television. He takes the term “taking one for the team” to the next level.

This date is so painful to watch, I swear to god. They both have nothing to say to each other so they just maniacally giggle until the intern refills their drinks. JPJ gets so drunk during the meal he confuses the date food with something actually edible instead of the half-priced gag gift ABC got from Spencer’s. JPJ dry heaves no less than 6 times, but by now we know that’s just his foreplay. And then, of course, there’s this horrifying exchange of conversation:

JPJ: Your name is so interesting, what country is it from?
TAHZJUAN: Well my dad’s name is Juan, so Mexico I guess.
JPJ: But you’re.. *whispers* black…?

John Paul Jones! You can’t just ask someone why they’re black! God, Karen!

Back at the beach, the rest of the couples and Derek are playing a game of truth or dare. I remember my first boy-girl party too. So cute! Someone asks Sydney who the worst person she ever kissed was and she says Colton. The rest of the women from Colton’s season collectively agree that he was a terrible kisser. I’m sorry, but is this supposed to shock us? This is the same man who told us he had never seen a ladie’s bathing suit parts before and asked Chris Harrison if it hurts during the guy’s first time too. I’m not surprised he has no idea what to do with that tongue.

Meanwhile, Caelynn cannot stop gushing about how great Dean is, as Wells and Demi exchange horrified expressions. She’s like, “I love vans, they’re my favorite! Vans have running water though, right? And WiFi? And, like, a permanent address for all my FabFitFun and Revolve partnership packages?”

CAELYNN: Dean is definitely going to propose at the end of this!

Wells and Demi proceed to give Caelynn the intervention she did not ask for. They tell her that she needs to be real with Dean about wanting an actual relationship because they don’t think he’s as serious about her. I love that Wells is like, “he’s my friend but he’s a piece of sh*t, you know?” Boy, do we know, Wells! Also, I can’t believe that Caelynn needed a girl who can still fit into Limited Too’s spring line and a wannabe bartender to tell her that a man who lives in his van is probably not ready for anything serious.

Caelynn asks Dean what his intentions are, and he looks at her like he thought he made that clear when he mentioned needing a shower on their first date. At least he’s honest!

DEAN: I want a girlfriend but, like, not for the nine months that I want to take off in my van you know?

NOT DURING THE 9 MONTHS I WANT TO TAKE OFF IN MY VAN. Caelynn, girlfriend, I don’t even like you that much but I know you’re better than this MY GOD.

Listening to Dean describe what kind of relationship he wants is making my blood boil. Caelynn asks for commitment and he says, “you’ll have to convince me first.” Right away the power dynamic shifts in his favor, and it’s f*cked up. I’ve dated guys like this before, the ones who would like to still hook up, but not commit to you beyond what’s convenient for them. So they tell you that, but in a way that makes it sound like they *could* change their minds should the right blow job relationship come along. It’s this line of reasoning that let’s f*ckboys sleep through the night while we spend $200 an hour making our therapist watch us cry. Sorry, Joan! You’re a real one, girl!

Also, does Dean forget that he was top FOUR on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, a show where you PROPOSE at the end of it? Like, why even come on Paradise if you can’t even pretend like you might consider settling down? I know he needed those rolls of toilet paper production promised him for his van, but damn.

Meanwhile, one half of Bachelor Nation’s Hot Twins walks into Paradise next. I love that Tahzjuan thinks that twins can’t exist apart from each other. She’s like, “but… her sister isn’t here, so how does that work?” I get what she’s saying, though. How can you be a Professional Twin if there’s just one of you? Instead of being one half of a dynamic comedic duo, she’s just a former Vegas cocktail waitress with a limited vocabulary and great eyelash extensions.

Hot Twin asks JPJ on a date because she says he seems like the most “husband material” out of all the guys, and I’m sincerely concerned about what these girls deem acceptable behavior for husbands.

As Hot Twin and JPJ walk off into the sunset, Tahzjuan licks her wounds by getting hammered by herself and drunk eating spaghetti in the pool. Look, I know eating noodles in the pool should be illegal and a lot of people will come for Tahzjuan’s, er, erratic behavior, but y’all, I’m LIVING for this bitch. As the designated Single Girl in my friend group, my friends are always asking me to sign up for a Bachelor casting call and I always tell them I can’t because I don’t have a good TV personality, when what I really mean is that I would act like Tahzjuan.

In fact, her behavior is right on point with mine after day drinking for 8 hours. Splashing that drink around, complaining about being hot, crying every time she sees a happy couple. It’s like looking in a mirror.

TAHZJUAN: I’m really glad you showed up Haley! Also, I would like to spit in your drink!

The Rose Ceremony

Chris starts off the cocktail party by giving one of his signature pep talks. He’s like, “for those of you in relationships, drink up! For those of you still single and pathetic, Idk! I gotta get back to my mojito.” Wow, that was inspired.

Caitlin takes this pep talk to heart by trying to seduce Blake with her very own makeshift Stagecoach set-up. Honey, I don’t think it was so much the Stagecoach atmosphere as it was the amount of drugs and alcohol that I’m sure was flowing when he made the decision to bang two girls in 24 hours, but okay.

Kristina has other plans in mind. Since the most action she’s gotten all season is from the camera man fixing her mic, she’s in trouble this rose ceremony and wants Blake to give her a “friendship rose.”

KRISTINA: I want Blake to find love and that’s why I kept him here, but not if it means I’ll be kicked off this free Mexican vacation, ya feel me?

JPJ says he’s going to have a very tough decision at the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he has a girl whose name he couldn’t pronounce to save his life, and on the other hand, he has Hot Twin, who apparently “looks like a movie star and has the intelligence of a doctor.” That feels like a stretch. This is the same girl who knows that pigeons and seagulls are different somehow but couldn’t tell you exactly how they are different except that one is “from the sea” and one is “from the earth.”

As JPJ struggles with his decision, Caelynn continues plan out her future in Dean’s van. She wants his rose but she can’t be sure he’ll give it to her because even though she’s spent every waking moment with him for the last two weeks, he’s still Dean.

OMG. It’s Caelynn’s bday?! Dean says he’ll be right back, and if he comes back with a cake I’m f*cking done. For those of you who don’t remember, the commissioning of a cake for a girl’s birthday is sort of like his big move in Paradise. He did this last time he was on Paradise for D-Lo when he was still hooking up with Kristina, which drove Kristina to say that her time in the Russian orphanage was preferable to her time in Mexico.

HE CAME BACK WITH A CAKE. I’m dead. If I’m having PTSD with this, then Kristina must be rocking in a corner somewhere. Kristina, blink once if you’re good, twice if you want me to report his van for expired tags!

We haven’t seen much of the Katie/Chris/Jen love triangle that was introduced to us last episode, but apparently it is still going on. I only know this because Katie pulls Chris aside during the last seven minutes of this episode to declare her feelings for him. Jen has still spoken zero words. I can’t even be sure she has working vocal chords or if she communicates purely through blank stares and subtle shifts in her eyebrows.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Chris starts things off by speaking again and this is truly the most dramatic season ever because this is the second time tonight he’s spoken words to the contestants. He says that Demi gets to give out a rose because apparently there are no rules here anymore! Rose ceremonies are basically the equivalent of a fifth and cups mixer—so long as you have someone willing to metaphorically handcuff themselves to you while you finish a fifth of tequila then you’re good to stay.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

The episode ends with Dean realizing that by handing out his rose to Caelynn he may have signaled to her that he’s willing to be monogamous for more than 12 days.


View this post on Instagram


The moment Dean realized he fucked up by giving Caelynn his rose. #blackbachelornation #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelorabc #abc #bachelornation #bachelorinparadise #bip #bachelorette

A post shared by Black Bachelorette (@blackbachelornation) on

HAHA. The look of sheer horror in those eyes. I can’t. Dean tells Caelynn they need to talk. Just by his tone, she knows that she’s about to get dumped. Caelynn lets out a half-hearted “but it’s my birthday you can’t break up with me!” and it’s like girlfriend, I’ve been dumped on my birthday, Christmas Eve, and Labor Day Weekend. Nothing is sacred to these people!

And on that note, I’m out, kids. See you betches tonight!

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @blackbachelornation /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Yet Another Kristian Shows Up

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Hello, Bachelor Nation! We have made it to night two, and for that we are rewarded with nothing except two hours of our lives being stripped away to watch Blake complain how he hasn’t gotten his dick wet yet this whole time. Sighs. So let’s dive right in! If I’m remembering correctly through the wine haze, last night a piñata got two men kicked off the show, Clay won Nicole by default, Hannah half-heartedly picked Dylan over Blake, and Demi continued to talk about how conflicted she is over her feelings.

We open on Demi requesting an audience with Chris Harrison. He comes to her, naturally, because we all know she’s really in charge here. I’m surprised he isn’t required to bow to her.

Demi comes clean to Chris and tells him that she’s been seeing a woman named Kristian back home. Chris pretends to sit there thoughtfully, but is wondering if Demi is really confessing her love to him, and using a fake, but similar, name. Demi continues to get a free therapy session out of Chris, as she tells him that she thought the closer she got to Derek, the more she would be over Kristian, but that’s not what happened. Chris nods his head and, again, pretends to sit there thoughtfully, as he actually mentally calculates how much overtime he is getting for this. Chris tells Demi he supports her no matter what, and then scampers off to collect his check.

Demi continues to be conflicted, and I honestly don’t know what else I can say about except to literally quote myself from the last two weeks?

How about this one: “Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home…”

Or this one: “During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it…”

I’ve even bored myself. Can we sh*t or get off the pot here? Bring me Kristian!

Back at the bar, Wells asks Blake how he feels about Caitlin.


Ladies, the single men of America! This is what we have left for us! You’re a gorgeous girl with a GREAT name, giving a f*ckboy who cries too much and has an unhealthy attachment to his mother the time of day, and when HE is asked about YOU all he can do is muster up a shrug. Shall we make the suicide pact now?

Kristina steals Blake, and this is where I have to say I hate Kristina. She says she gave Blake her rose to torment him, but then she continues to pursue him, and still claims it’s all to ruin his life. Honey, you are not an evil mastermind. An evil mastermind is someone who put real creamer in the almond milk creamer just to watch Kathy in HR run to the bathroom every morning at 10:05. Should’ve approved my PTO days, bitch. Until then, we all know you still want him.

Oh boy. Just when I was beginning to be a fan of the way Caitlin was handling herself with Kristina she has to go and say “Women should respect women.” Nooooooooooo! They are fighting over a MAN and she’s trying to pull the female empowerment card? And not even a good man like Keanu Reeves, we’re talking about pond scum. Save the “women respect women” thing for when you want your mom to cover your credit card bill, Caitlin.

Elsewhere, Katie and Chris are having an awkward conversation about new girls coming in, and she says “do whatever you want to do.” Chris says “really” and the answer is “obviously not you f*cking moron” but Katie just says, “yeah.” And this, my friends, is what we in the biz call foreshadowing.

In walks Jen Saviano, who Dean claims is one of the most attractive women ever, and I hate to burst his bubble and tell him she was created in a plastic surgeon’s wet dream, but here I am! Bursting bubbles!

Caelynn tells us that Blake was talking to Jen while he was ghosting her because of course he was. Is there anyone on planet earth that Blake was not DMing? Like, I’m about to check with my Mom right now.

Katie is freaking out that she told Chris to go on whatever dates he wants, as she should, because he just said yes to a date with Jen.

Chris pulls Katie aside to tell her that he’s going on the date because “he would have liked her to have said she would cut off her arm for him.” That’s the kind of drama I’m looking for in a relationship too, Chris! Cut off your arm for me! Give me a vial of your blood for around my neck! Let me keep you in a box under my bed! I’m in. Call me.

Chris and Jen go on a boat, and he is “applying sunscreen,” and I’m nervous for her next skin cancer screening because this seems more like a sensual massage, and you really need to be vigilant with these things.

Chris and Jen are on rocky waters, literally. That is not me flexing my creative writing skills in a recap of the third-most popular show in a reality franchise. Chris throws up over the edge, and we are only on week three and now we’ve already seen two men puke their brains out. Can’t wait to see who’s next! *Please let it be Blake, please let it be Blake, please let it be BLAKE.*

The date basically ends there, because for some reason there was no night portion to this date. Chris decides to make up for the puking and plan a date when they get back home. He walks in and doesn’t even look at Katie. Dun dun dun.

Okay so the part of the date that Chris “planned” is laying on a bed and drinking champagne that I’m sure someone else uncorked. Such a sweet effort! I hope it also involved some teeth brushing because that’s all I can think about during this close-talking sesh.

Chris says that he thinks Jen is witty and has great one liners and then she says “why don’t we get in some calm waters” in reference to the hot tub, so I’m wondering if that’s what he meant by witty? Because if those are his standards for funny than you can call me Robin F*cking Williams.

Chris and Jen make out in the calm waters and I’m still wondering about the teeth brushing, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Production, give the people what we want! Show us the dental hygiene scene! Is that toothbrush electric, or manual?!

We cut to the beach where Nicole has composed a song for Clay.

NICOLE: I want you in my tummy

Chris takes Katie aside to tell her about the date. Katie tells him she was basically self-sabotaging when she said he could go on a date, and that she only wants to be with him. I think. I can barely hear anything over the sound of the waves. Did they blow their sound budget on Chris Harrison’s personal masseuse again?

Oh guys, update. Apparently Sydney and Mike are still there. I swear, vomit has gotten more screen time than they have.

Derek continues to talk about his trouble with Demi, and can someone PLEASE put me out of my misery and have this mysterious Kristian show up already? I only like this much talking about something if it’s me bitching about my coworkers.

Chris Harrison shows up to see Demi and she gives him a big hug, and I just get the feeling she’s sneaking into his room at night for some AC, chick flicks, and good old fashioned gossip. She’s clearly the favorite. Be on the lookout for matching pajamas.

Chris tells Demi that they’ve done something to help her make her decision. He points upstairs and there is Kristian, I presume. Demi cries and hugs and kisses her, and I would like to do the same because something is finally HAPPENING.

Demi fills Kristian in on her relationship with Derek, and Kristian seems upset they hooked up. I’m confused about where she thought Demi was going? Even my grandma knows everyone goes to Paradise to bang, and she gets spoon-fed jello for dinner every night. Demi tells Kristian that the second that she saw her in Paradise she knew that she wanted to be with her. Poor Derek. He never even had a chance.

Demi pulls Derek aside to rip his heart out on an air mattress that was haphazardly thrown on the sand. She tells him that Kristian is here now and that when she got here, she knew her heart was with Kristian. AND OMG. They are not making Demi go home?!!?!?!? She is pursuing her relationship with Kristian here!

How I imagine this idea came to be behind the scenes:



And so it was.

Derek is sad. It’s okay Derek. It’s Britney, Betch’s DM is still festering in your inbox if you would like attention from a new tiny blonde, but with a worse attitude.

Now that Derek is alone, he’s crying about how everyone says he’s a great guy, and why won’t anyone ever love him, and the same thing happens to him every time. Oh for f*ck’s sake Derek, this is not my therapists office. And even if it was, Diane wouldn’t stand for this amount of self pity. Buck up, walk into any bar in America as the tall, handsome man you are (who still has all his hair), and find a girl to take home. You’ll be fine. K? Good talk.

Derek and Kristian meet and are both very nice to each other, because I guess they saw last night what happens when you fight on this show. Sad that a piñata inspired more rage and passion in two people than Demi did, but what can you do? Those things are filled with candy.

Demi tells Kristian that Paradise is the perfect place to fall in love and asks her to stay. I’m sorry, the perfect place to fall in love? Are we sure we’re thinking of the same place? Paradise might be the perfect place to develop a strange itch on your genitals, but to fall in love? Kristian agrees to stay, and I fear she’s being misled.

Demi brings Kristian to meet everyone. Blake is confused because he has never seen this woman before, and he didn’t have the chance to DM her before she got there! He’s calling up his Mommy to cry about it as we speak. It’s not fair!

Demi explains who Kristian is and says they’re staying in Paradise together. Everyone is happy for them, and boy are they going to ruin you, Kristian. Behind the scenes, Hannah is crying over Demi and Kristian’s true love, mustering up more emotion for a woman she met this afternoon than she has this whole season for the man that would sell his kidney on the black market to get salami for her charcuterie board.

Demi and Kristian immediately get a date card because in his past life, Chris Harrison was a sociopath who enjoyed manipulating the pain of other human beings for his own pleasure. Or in this life. Sorry, Derek!

Kristian tells Demi she could never go through something like this again and Demi tells her that she wants to do whatever she needs to do to be with Kristian. They say they love each other. And it would all be so sweet if I could hear any sort of passion through Kristian’s relentless monotone.

And that’s all, friends! I’ll see you next week for some more grown man tears and vomit!

Images: ABC; Giphy (5)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Does Christian Even Go Here?

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Hello, Bachelor Nation! Welcome to week two, night two of Bachelor in Paradise, the night no one asked for, no one needed, and no one has time for, but ABC has shoved down our throats anyway! How did we get so lucky? For those of you who watch BiP while also skimming Instagram, trolling celebrities on Twitter, and attempting to solve the JonBenet Ramsey case (just me?) let me briefly recap Monday night’s episode. The self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise” returned and no one really wanted to go on a date with him, Hannah G continued to rip Dylan’s soul into little pieces and eat them for breakfast, and Caelynn and Mike went on a date where they did nothing but look at each other with deranged smiles. Onward!

We begin this episode with JPJ passed out in the pool and it’s full on daytime. So I guess Wells is serving tequila with everyone’s cheerios. Good to know where we’re at.

At the bar, Demi is having Derek smell her armpits, and asking him to answer the number one question in my BiP group chat, “How bad do the people on Paradise smell?” According to Derek, not that bad. Now I know Derek is a liar and not to be trusted.

Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home, so naturally she goes to Katie, the woman who was sobbing last night because Wills told said he liked her, for advice. I’m sure this will work out well.

Demi tells Katie that she’s worried about what people will think about her dating history, and that she only just told her parents before she left. Okay, understandable. But also, Demi, should you be going on this show if you’re dating someone at home? Don’t we know a few people who got skewered for this lately? You know right now Jed is hiding away in some hole in Nashville furiously scribbling a sh*tty chorus and crooning, “Why didn’t she get in trouble too, if it happened to me it should happen to you” (Now available on all streaming platforms, obviously).

She should have smashed that guitar.

Meanwhile, Kevin is walking around asking why everyone likes Blake when he’s not even that good looking. GREAT QUESTION, SIR. You can sit with us, Kevin.

The girls get together and start sh*t talking Hannah G, and I’ve been wondering when the women would start to realize that little miss innocent over here was actually just a life-size doll commissioned by ABC execs, designed to every man’s dream measurements, and intended to f*ck up all the women’s good times.

Dylan, like the sad sad soul he is, decides to approach Hannah to find out what’s going on between her and Blake. Because I guess the BDSM madam that usually beats the sh*t out of him wasn’t available today, and he was really in the mood to feel pain.

Hannah tells Dylan that she is just trying to remain “open.” I hope you all have been taking shots every time she says open, that way we can be blackout by the end of this thing.

Dylan says that he feels like he “doesn’t know something,” and I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way at all because a producer told him too. Also, Dylan, you’re a sweetheart, but there are a lot of things you don’t know, including how to tell if a girl is that into you, when you should just cut your losses, and, let’s be honest, probably learn how to read.

Hannah comes clean and says that a week before Paradise, Blake flew to Birmingham and they made out. And with this information, Hannah finally completes the dementor’s kiss on Dylan and sucks all of his soul out of his body. He is now just the shell of a man with an ill-advised chest tattoo. Sad.

Back at the table, Blake is also telling some of the girls that he flew to Birmingham to see Hannah. Sydney, Tayshia, and Nicole are pissed. How dare Hannah not tell them! She slept in the same room with them for a brief time on a reality tv show! She owes them!

Tayshia decides to approach Hannah, and is so sweet about it: “Hey cutie! Do you have a second for me to emotionally ruin you?”

First, Tayshia makes sure that Hannah knows that she didn’t even want Blake in the first place so SHE dumped HIM, he didn’t dump HER, okay. Everyone got that? Tayshia was the dumper, not the dumpee. Put it on her gravestone. Now that that’s cleared up, Hannah tells Tayshia that Blake coming to Birmingham was private and she didn’t want to reveal anything that was his personal business. That’s how he got the other’s to keep quiet too, Hannah.

Hannah also says that she is going to “respect anyone who is going into this being open,” referring to Blake. Look, I know Chris Harrison is only contractually obligated to appear on 120 seconds of this sh*t storm, but I think it is incredibly important that he spend at least five of those seconds smacking Hannah in the face with a thesaurus.

Do we think it’s a little weird that everyone is so mad that Hannah is into Blake? Yeah, he is the human embodiment of a whole wheat noodle you cooked too long, but dating multiple people is the whole point of this show. It’s not called the Bachelor in the Convent for a reason, people. So, can’t we attack Hannah over something real, like the fact that she hasn’t been able to come up with one synonym for the word open? And yes, that was another joke about the word open, but the amount of jokes I’m writing about it are proportionate to the amount of times she says it, so if you want to blame anyone, blame Hannah, k?

Caelynn pretends to be concerned for Hannah and says that if she gives Blake her rose, next week a new shiny girl will walk down the beach and he will drop her immediately. I love that Caelynn is now lecturing people about this, when she 10000% did the same thing to Cam last week. I guess it takes a manipulator to know one.

OMG, Dean shows up and he looks like what my mother used to refer to throughout my whole childhood as a “drug rat.” He apparently lives in a van right now, has no job, no running water, and clearly no mirror. He claims to have learned a lot since the last time he was on Paradise, but I’m skeptical that he’s learned anything other than how to go 45 days without washing his hair. Somehow, the women are into it. I guess they’re less superficial than me *wink*.

Dean pulls a few girls to talk and one of them is Kristina, because he wants to show her what she’s definitely not missing.

Caelynn is sobbing over Kristina, or Blake, or the fact that she lost The Bachelorette to someone far superior, and now she’s forced to be on a beach full of losers (just guessing!), and Dean takes this as his cue to go talk to her. Men on The Bachelor franchise are to emotionally unstable women what Leo DiCaprio is to 18-year-old blondes. Moths to a flame. And dare I say, this seems just like something a dude that lives in his van would do.

Dean asks Caelynn on the date, and it makes Cam sad. Cam cries alone on a rock. On a bed. In a swing. It looks like ABC now stands for Always Be Crying.

Dean and Caelynn go on their date and she’s lucky he’s not buying, because now his first dates usually consist of foraging for food in the dumpster behind the local Chili’s. Last week he found half of a chicken crisper! Dean says he is ashamed of how he acted the last time he was on Paradise. I mean he really was kind of a sh*t, but at least he didn’t have that mustache. Caelynn tells him she’s been intrigued by him and his lifestyle. Go sleep in your car for one night Caelynn, you’ll get over it.

They jump into a pool and make out, and Dean seems confused because he thought this was going to be a bath. I’m sure that’s how production bribed him to be on this season. You give us your dignity, we’ll give you soap and running water! Seems fair!

Does anyone else feel like Caelynn is doing this to get back at Kristina? She was JUST crying over how mad she was at Kristina, and now she’s wearing a deep-v swimsuit and grinding up on Kristina’s ex. Coincidence?

Demi continues her “I’m sexually fluid” world tour, and her next stop is with Tayshia. I’m not sure Tayshia understands what Demi is telling her though, because she asks Demi if she can just date Derek and the other girl. Tayshia, honey, that’s polyamory, not bisexuality. Or, I guess, it’s just The Bachelor. Never mind.

Paradise is interrupted when a stranger walks in that no one has ever seen before. He claims his name is “Christian,” and claims that he was on Becca’s season, and so if we’re all cool with making sh*t up then I claim I am Liam Hemsworth’s next wife.

Nicole thinks “Christian” is sexy, and I think she is going to be disappointed when she finds out he is a rando that producers dragged off the street to drum up some non-Blake related drama. And where is Chris Harrison? Too busy having a cocktail to man the door? On one of Jorge’s Torgues?

Clay says he is worried that Nicole will like “Christian”. I’m sorry, but I can’t with Clay’s voice. If I closed my eyes I would think he was a nerdy teenager who writes Harry Potter fan fiction and is wondering when his mom will finally be done microwaving his Totino’s pizza rolls.

“Christian” asks Nicole on the date and she agrees. Tayshia is clearly so mad that no guys are into her this season. She comments before they leave that Nicole went from having no one-on-ones to having three. Alright, Tayshia. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty?

On their date, Nicole and “Christian” go jet skiing and then lounge on the beach.

NICOLE: If you play your cards right maybe I’ll let you take me out to dinner

When Nicole comes back, she’s fielding questions from everyone. I swear the girl suddenly has some options and now she thinks she’s Beyoncé. Sydney grabs her, and Nicole tells her that “Christian” is hot and “he makes everything sexual.” And now I wish I was dead. And it looks like Syd does too.

Clay pulls Nicole aside, and Nicole tells him she wants him to be more assertive. “Christian” interrupts their cuddle session and says he “wants to finish off his date.”Does he mean sexually? I know he’s feigning a language barrier, but have some subtlety! Also, now I know for sure he was never on this show, because he doesn’t understand how dates work. It’s over, bro.

Clay is nicer than I am, so he tries to explain to “Christian” that once they returned to the house the date ended, but “Christian” will not listen. This confrontation leaves Clay with the shakes. If a little back-and-forth with a Z-list actor the producers hired to rile people up leaves Clay this disturbed, it’s no wonder he didn’t make it in football. They don’t just yell at you in that sport, they hit you until you sustain irreparable brain damage! It’s best that’s over for him now.

And we’ve made it to a rose ceremony! I am shook they didn’t make us wait until next week.

Chris Harrison is forced to leave his latest golf game to explain to the contestants how many of them will go home this week. He is very mad that they dragged him away from the 16th hole and his fifth margarita just because no one else could do simple math.

During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it, and she says she’s still very much interested in him.

DEMI: How do you feel about this

She says it could not have gone better and so maybe we didn’t watch the same thing, but hey, as long as she feels good, I feel good.

Elsewhere, Caelynn is asking the hard questions, like where does Dean shower? Dean replies, “here, there, everywhere.” THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY VAGUE, DEAN.

Oh GOD JPJ wrote Tayshia a poem. Why do guys think women want to hear their sh*tty acrostics? All I want are Reese’s peanut butter cups and for someone to tell me I’m pretty. No rhyming necessary.

WAIT. JPJ did not even write this poem! He is just repeating something he read in the Spark Notes for Romeo and Juliet during freshman year. Clearly he was drunk the entire time, because this recitation is atrocious.

Tayshia is so impressed by this that she calls him an intellectual, and I would like to know where she got the evidence to support that? Because all I have seen tonight is JPJ laying under two giant pillows, and failing to remember the most widely quoted Shakespeare passage of all time.

^^a real Einstein

“Christian” pulls Nicole aside to feed her chocolate-covered strawberries and hit a piñata or something? I swear, if there are peanut butter cups in there I will take back every bad thing I said about this man.

Clay is watching them wistfully, while everyone encourages him to go over there and beat “Christian” up. He decides to do it, and I love how everyone keeps telling Clay, “BE MORE AGGRESSIVE,” so he approaches his rival and immediately compliments the lovely set-up “Christian” has going on there. Sweet, sweet Clay. You’re physically 6’4” and mentally 5’0”, aren’t you, honey?

After complimenting “Christian,” Clay asks if he can talk to Nicole for a minute. It’s weird and unsuccessful. He tells her to have fun, but not too much. I think that would be a threat from anyone else, but I’m pretty sure Clay is just being genuine.

Clay then immediately returns to gossip with the Mayor of Paradise and the Walmart Brand Odell Beckham, Jr., and they are not having it. They wanted to see a fight! So, Jordan decides to start one himself.

He proceeds to walk over to “Christian” and Nicole’s date, rip down the piñata, and start some sh*t. They begin to fight over the pinata, and never in my wildest dreams did I think while I was working my little fingers to the bone to get my English degree that I’d have to write about two manscaped reality stars fighting over a children’s birthday party decoration but THIS IS WHERE WE ARE NOW. And with that, I’ll catch you all next week, when I can hopefully write about tickle fights!

Images: clayharbs82 / Instagram; Giphy (5)