Do you want to know what is the most cursed thing about Bachelor in Paradise? No, it’s not the lack of air conditioning, or even the fact that it’s ultimately just a show that asks us to watch people make out on daybeds for four hours each week. It’s that even when the season ends, we, as viewers, will never know peace. There is absolutely no closure. These cast members will continue to haunt us for the rest of our lives.
For a little context behind the brief existential journey you just followed me through: Pieper James would like us all to know that she and Brendan Morais are back together again. Although their hellish season is over, we’re still being forced to follow this whiplash-inducing journey. Yes, the season 7 power-villain couple who low-key admitted to dating before going on BiP (which, as a reminder, is still technically a show for single people to find relationships on, not for couples to use for fame) have somehow found a way to make it work. Maybe true love does exist. The duo briefly broke up last month, but on a recent episode of former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin’s Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, Pieper revealed that she and Brendan are giving it the old college try.
While it would probably be a stretch for me to say that I’m happy for Brendan and Pieper, I have to admit that their reconciliation does make a lot of sense. Two people who are looking for a relationship founded on Instagram analytics are probably made for each other anyway and not going to find a better fit swiping through Hinge. Sure, Raya would likely be a more effective platform for them to each find another fame-hungry partner to suit their needs, but I am unsure that they’d be approved for the app after the severe loss of followers they both suffered after America turned on them in support of Natasha Parker, the innocent woman Brendan briefly pursued to buy time until the producers let Pieper on the show.
During the podcast episode in which Pieper *checks notes* publicly shared the news of her relationship status, she noted that she and Brendan have some work to do before taking their relationship—which played out on one of the most popular reality television shows in the country—public. Before you go back and reread that sentence to see if it makes any more sense the second or third time around, I’m just going to save you a moment and let you know that no, it does not. Here’s a direct quote from Pieper that does not offer a shred of clarity:
“The reason that we didn’t choose to go public like everybody else on the show was just because… our experience was a little bit different. We tainted our own experience in that way,” she explained. “So, we’re kind of working on ourselves, and each other and we’re focusing on being a couple before taking that public.”
On the podcast, Pieper also noted that “it was a rumor that we broke up” and that the backlash they received from Bachelor Nation made them stronger. To which I reply:
I’m unsure what Brendan and Pieper would consider to be a more public recognition of their relationship than literally saying the words “we’re together” on a podcast that is available to stream on multiple apps, but the mess-seeker in me does, unfortunately, look forward to the day that we all find out. Will they unveil couple’s tattoos? Will they sneak away to a foreign country for a secret wedding, hoping to sell the exclusive to PEOPLE? Perhaps they’ll formally announce the news in partnership with a couple’s therapy app! Whatever these two have up their sleeves, I’m assuming it will be big. (On a midtier influencer level, anyway.) At the time of publication of this article, Brendan hasn’t made a single peep on Instagram since his September 16 “Paradise Apology” video. I do predict he will take the popstar route and archive all of his past posts before they “go public.” We might even get a teaser video, if we’re truly lucky.
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin ; Giphy
Well, fam, we’re back for (supposedly) the last week of this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started trying to convince the contestants to make soft core porn with food a thing before each rose ceremony.
This week we’ll find out which couples will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as my leftover Chinese food has been sitting in the fridge, and which couples will break up, having just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. *cough* Venmo John *cough, cough*. Shall we get started?
The episode opens with Kamil still talking about the Russian witch hunt. He’s like “she burned my picture in a fire, she’s definitely a witch,” which is literally something my ex has said about me so, what’s your point, Kamil? Hmm?
The next natural transition here is to introduce a date card into the mix. Joe mentions he’d like a date card because he’s never gotten one before and would like to solidify things with Kendall so production gives it to Jordan. ABC, why do you want me to burn your studios to the ground so bad?
Jordan asks Jenna on the date and it’s going to involve some sort of photoshoot, which I’m sure is code for softcore porn. Mark my words. And it’s wedding themed! I guess ABC was tired of sh*ting directly on the sanctity of marriage and decided to try their hand at perverting engagement photo shoots instead. This should be good. *turns up volume*
JENNA: I’m nervous about this photo shoot. I’m nervous about fake getting engaged. I’m nervous about my feelings for Jordan.
JORDAN: Not now, honey, you’re blocking my light!
Okay, why is Jenna acting like such an anxious freak rn? Could it be the drugs, or is it because they’re making her put on a wedding dress in front of a man she’s been dating for 9 days? I didn’t know she was capable of such rational thought, but okay.
Robby Hayes walks into Paradise and I’m confused as to why new men are still showing up. Is this not the finale? ABC DO NOT PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS.
CASSIE: Robby is going to have a hard time here because everyone knows what a piece of sh*t he was to Amanda.
So naturally Shushanna, who has turned down literally every semi-nice guy to walk into Paradise, starts foaming at the mouth at the sight of Robby and his drawn on eyebrows. Damn, this girl is a psycho and I love it.
Robby asks Shu on the date and she accepts because
literally every other girl turned him down first she thinks he felt a connection with her. Godddd this date is so boring. They go on some sort of dinner/date combo that can be summed up in this entire exchange:
SHU: Apparently I’m a witch so be careful.
ROBBY: That’s okay, I bet you’re good in bed.
While the Russian and Robby are on their date, Jordan gathers the girls around to tell them the bedtime story of how Robby screwed over Amanda Stanton and there were receipts to prove it. Ah, yes, I believe I’ve heard of that one before. Scarier than the boogeyman. Meanwhile, Jenna hears the words “douchebag” and “cheater” and looks longingly into the distance.
Cut to Shu and Robby’s date and it actually seems to be going pretty well? Idk how this girl is doing it because I could not take a date with Robby and his blinding veneers seriously.
Back at the beach, the rest of the couples are trying to figure out if their relationships will make it past the tequila shots they took this summer. Doubtful.
Joe tells Kendall that he sees a future with her outside of Paradise and she looks like he just told her she should go lick their communal bathroom floor. MY GOD KENDALL. If you were so petrified of commitment why did you go on a show TWICE where the end goal is engagement? I swear to f*cking god, Kendall, I will skin your ungrateful body and hang it on my wall if you don’t start returning Joe’s love.
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS, KENDALL??
Wait. Tonight’s a rose ceremony? Lol they’re still doing that? I figured production had abandoned them to tequila and their own devices at this point, but okay.
There’s only one rose that’s up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s. She gets to choose between Diggy, who is goddamn snack, or Venmo John, who can offer her
the world a rose next week but only if another girl doesn’t walk in first. This choice is so hard!!
Elsewhere, Kendall tells Joe that she loves him but she’s not in love with him and I’ve never wanted to cut someone so much in my entire life. She’s like “we just have doubts about this whole thing” and Joe goes “please stop saying ‘we’ because you know that’s not how I feel.” PLEASE STOP SAYING WE. I AM DEAD.
KENDALL: I don’t know if I’m in love with Joe.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
OMG Joe is leaving?? Just like that? Tbh I didn’t think it was possible, but Joe comes out of this looking even better than before. Joe, call me.
Side note: I’m just imagining these two being stuck at the airport together actively not looking at each other and having their producers speak for them. You know Chris Harrison is somewhere saying “Oh, sorry! We booked you on the same flight. Budget cuts, you understand!”
Meanwhile, we’re still doing the rose ceremony I guess EVEN THOUGH LOVE IS DEAD. Fine. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Cassie picks Kiwi Jordan
- Shushanna picks Robby
- Annaliese picks Kamil
- Astrid picks Kevin
- Krystal picks Chris
- Jenna picks Jordan
- Olivia picks… Venmo John?! WHAT. I guess nerds are so in this season.
Cut to the next morning and Chris Harrison drags everyone away from the bar long enough to let them know that no new people will be coming to Paradise. He’s like “if you do not leave this beach rn you will be contractually obligated to get engaged by the end of this, k?”
He leaves and couples start abandoning ship left and right. Venmo John after promising to always choose Olivia at the rose ceremony, immediately stutters out that he’s not ready for anything serious but, like, maybe they can hang out when they both get back to LA? So sweet. Cassie and Kiwi Jordan also call it quits.
Lol did Robby just tell Shu “have a nice summer, we’ll hang out soon”?? He might as well have said “don’t expect me to speak to you at Bachelor reunions but do expect me to DM you naked mirror selfies.” Ah, Robby Hayes, please
never change die in a fiery car crash already.
Wait. Do they not even get to say goodbye to their friends first? Or finish their breakfast? What about Kevin’s eight-egg omelette, Chris?! You savage.
Kevin and Astrid are up next and I have a feeling Kevin is about to say some dumb shit for no reason.
KEVIN: *opens mouth to speak*
ME: You should be wearing a helmet.
Kevin keeps saying how into Astrid he is, but how he has doubts about progressing their relationship to the next step in the fantasy suite. What? Does he think she’ll be bad in bed or something?
ASTRID: What do you have doubts about?
KEVIN: Well for starters, if I say no to the fantasy suite do I still get my grand slam breakfast?
Kevin says he has doubts about going into a fantasy suite again because he shouldn’t have gone into one with “someone else” and omg he’s totally talking about Ashley I. and her V-card.
WAIT. And now he’s dumping her? This sh*t is literally bananas. Like, Kevin displays more passion over his homemade salad dressings and eight-egg omelette than he is over Astrid rn. Hope that balsamic vinaigrette will suck your d*ck at night, Kevin!
Chris and Krystal, Annaliese and Kamil, and Jordan and Jenna are all going to the fantasy suites. Literally none of these couples should be getting engaged. Like, I can’t even believe they are making us entertain the possibility that any of these couples made it past Labor Day.
Moving on to the fantasy suites. Annaliese just asked Kamil if he could imagine himself with a girl like her and he came up with a very long convoluted answer that meant nothing but definitely got him laid. I’m sure when we find out at the reunion that he’s been sliding into other girls’ DMs, he’ll blame that little slip up on the language barrier. I see right through you, Kamil!
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A fantasy so “suite” with my favorite polish sausage. . . . . . . #polishboy #polishsausage #sausage #mexicanpolishkielbasa #polishkielbasa fantasysuite #bip #suitelife #sweetfantasy #fantasyorreality #datenight #love #romantic #bachelor #bachelorinparadise #mexico #summer @bachelorinparadise @vidanta @kamiloo
Meanwhile, Jordan is wearing a monochromatic outfit and telling Jenna he’s in love with her. Jenna says that she thinks God brought Jordan to her and it’s like please don’t bring God into this. God officially would like to be excluded from this narrative.
Jordan just stopped their make out session to fix his hair and my body shriveled up a little. And on that note, I’m out! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see which of these couples will actually
get engaged spit on the sanctity of marriage. See you betches then!
We’re somehow still only a few weeks into this season of Bachelor in Paradise, but the drama with the couples has really been heating up. Will the new arrivals throw things into chaos? Will all of our favorites really find love? Why do we still watch this mess? So many questions, so few answers. Because I’m impatient and want to know if any of these couples are actually going to last, I did some meticulous research, in the form of Instagram stalking. Obviously, seeing whether people follow each other on Instagram isn’t a foolproof way to determine how a relationship turns out, but I’m doing my best here. So which Bachelor in Paradise couples follow each other on Instagram? Let’s find out.
Kendall has been busy so far this season, already being linked to Grocery Store Joe, John Graham, and Leo. She and Joe follow each other, and the same goes for John. To be honest, I doubt she’s in a relationship with either of these dudes, but at least they’re on good terms. The same can’t be said for Leo, because they do not follow each other. Are we surprised?
Leo & Chelsea
Speaking of Leo, he and Chelsea also don’t follow each other. Maybe I’m reaching here, but it doesn’t seem like Leo is on good terms with a lot of his Paradise costars.
When it comes to Krystal’s Instagram follower situation, the plot is thick AF. First, Chris. Krystal and Chris do not follow each other. Not that complicated, really. But now we come to Connor. Krystal follows Connor. Connor does not follow Krystal. Ouch. Is there beef here? Is Connor petty AF? Oh Chris Harrison, please bless us with information!
Colton & Tia
Yes, Colton and Tia follow each other. No, I don’t have any effing clue what is going on with them. Can we please be done with them already?
Like Krystal and Kendall, Jenna has multiple men she’s dealing with on Paradise. When it comes to Benoit, Jenna clearly isn’t that into it. She doesn’t follow him, but he still follows her. She and Jordan follow each other, which makes my heart a little bit happy. What can I say, I love Jordan.
Annaliese follows both Kamil and Kenny, and both men follow her back. Kenny seems like a nice guy, but I have a hard time imagining that Annaliese will keep caring about him now that he is no longer in her peripheral vision. I doubt Kamil the “social media participant” will give Annaliese that storybook ending she so craves, but men have surprised me before. (Usually in a bad way, but whatever.)
Kevin & Astrid
They follow each other. Idk what else to say about this. I personally choose not to follow men who have made me cry in public (called me old fashioned, I guess), but maybe these two end up reconciling. Guess we’ll have to wait to find out.
Images: ABC; Giphy (2); @coltonunderwood / Instagram