Welcome to the new normal, where we’re all funemployed or “working” from home and can’t remember what it’s like to go to brunch or interact with other people. This is what we all wanted: to cancel plans forever and never leave the house. But, now that our golden opportunity has arrived, we’re all pissed. Guess it’s true: you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.
Speaking of quarantine survival, have you eaten all your Oreos yet? How about your tortilla chips that you told yourself over and over were healthy? They’re not, but it’s ok. Luckily, we have a sh*tload of healthy snacks that you can order online, that can chill in your pantry for a while. Unlike the bags of spring mix you impulsively bought, you don’t have to rush to consume all these in a week.
These. Are. The. Sh*t. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten these. They last for-f*cking-ever in the pantry, they’re only 140 calories per every 14 crackers, are non-GMO, gluten-free, and come in a lot of amazing flavors. You can eat them in a box, you can eat them with a fox—they’re just really effing delicious, guys.
Okay, hear me out. I know beef jerky gets a bad rap for being the dried meat product you can find in any checkout line, gas station, or impulse buy section of a sports store. However, it’s a great snack that lasts forever in the pantry, is high in protein, and can be super natural if you know where to get it. I’d highly recommend Brooklyn Biltong, which air dries its beef after it’s dipped in a marinade with vinegar, salt, and other natural deliciousness. It’s also Paleo and Whole30 approved, so maybe you can stave off the Quarantine 15!
If you haven’t tried this by now, shame on you. Brownie Brittle will satisfy your dessert cravings, and since each serving is only 120 calories and 4 grams of fat for five pieces, you can eat, like, a lot of it. Lucky for those of us that may be in quarantine for awhile, there are tons of flavors, including Meyer Lemon Blondies which sound weird but, I promise, are amazing.
Do you remember that horrible Pirate’s Booty sh*t that your mom used to try and stuff down your throat as a kid? This ain’t that. Harvest Snaps are a baked veggie snack with about 5g of plant-based protein made from green peas, black beans, or red lentils as the first ingredient. They also come in non-veggie flavors like Tomato Basil, Mango Chile Lime, and White Cheddar. Even better, they’re free of artificial flavors, colors, cholesterol, and common allergens like soy, nuts, wheat and eggs. Best of all, they’re only 130 calories per 22 crisps so, yes, they’re a better choice than a handful of chips.
I know that sitting in your pantry crying with a jar of peanut butter seems reasonable and, like, maybe it is these days. But there are better alternatives to some of the highly processed stuff you’ve come to know and love. Once Again Maple Almond Butter is f*cking delicious, high in protein, and tastes amazing on a multigrain cracker or on a spoon. Plus, it has 6g of plant protein per serving, calcium, iron and potassium; is free of preservatives, cholesterol, trans fat, GMOs, added oils and salt; plus it’s gluten-free certified, vegan, and kosher, too.
Big Spoon Roasters is another company you need to stock your pantry with—especially since they just released their Go get ‘Em Tiger Espresso Almond Butter with Sea Salt. I mean, f*ck, you guys. Quarantine is about to get lit. It’s also only 160 calories per two tablespoons which is STILL less than regular peanut butter.
Before you sound off in the comments about how granola isn’t healthy, check yourself. Kip’s Granola Bark is free of the eight major allergens, has 5 grams of protein per half-cup serving, is a great source of fiber and omega-3s, is gluten-free, AND is vegan. It will keep for literally the rest of eternity in your pantry, and you don’t have to feel bad about eating it. It’s not laden with sugar and it’ll actually give you a nice little energy boost. I mean, if you wanna keep eating your Nature Valley granola bars (falling apart like my life rn LOL), be my guest. But this seems like a reasonable alternative.
There’s nothing saying that you have to keep to the pantry during quaran-times. Sure, you could buy meat and frozen veggies and plan on actually cooking. You could also buy a bag of 200 pizza rolls, which, like, while delicious, would kind of not be the vibe we’re going for in this article. May we recommend Hilary’s Veggie Burgers? Unlike your typical veggie burgers, these have actual flavor, come in a ton of different varieties (Spicy Thai, Root Veggie, and Fiesta Black Bean, to name a few), are free of allergens and have tons of protein without all the calories of a regular burger. Plus, it’s literally a move from freezer to microwave to bun for a solid snack or meal—no takeout required.
Need a salty, crunchy snack that isn’t going to destroy your diet? Me too. free2b Bagel Chips are free of allergens, and at 100 calories for an ounce, you don’t have to feel bad about eating them by the handful. They come in two flavors, too (plain and everything), so no matter how adventurous you’re feeling, you can feel #seen.
Are you into granola but love a salty snack? Sounds like a packet of seeds and stuff is your cup of tea. Seriously, though, Crunchsters are a delicious crunchy snack which is low-calorie, nutrient-dense and boasts potassium, magnesium, fiber, and protein. And if you aren’t into just popping these while curled up on the couch, throw them on your salad, on your avocado toast, or in your hummus for a high protein fix. They’re also naturally gluten-free, vegan, and free from the top 12 allergens.
I know, I know. Tuna in a pouch isn’t exactly glamorous, but it is a good shelf-stable snack food. (A can also works.) A package of Jessica Simpson’s favorite, Chicken of the Sea, contains only tuna, vegetable broth, salt, and water and is only 80 calories. It’s great on a piece of toast, or mixed into pasta, or on crackers. Plus, I’m fairly certain it would last through any apocalypse.
Before you run out and grab a bag of raisins, realize that not all dried fruit is created equal. If you’re craving a pantry snack of the fruity variety, try something like Sunny Fruit Organic Figs, which are gluten-free, high in fiber, and a great source of antioxidants. Not into figs? You could also grab a bag of Peeled Snacks Organic Dried Mango which makes you feel tropical, is non-GMO, and has literally nothing added. If you need even more variety, grab Trader Joe’s Freeze Dried Blueberries which are full of antioxidants, crunchy, and perfect on their own or thrown into yogurt. Regardless of the fruit adventure you choose, all of them are great for snacking, last in the pantry forever, and are always a better choice than a handful of actual fruit snacks.
If you’re big into shakes, mēle is a balanced meal shake made of real freeze-dried fruits, veggies, nuts, and protein. Their shakes are non-GMO, soy-free, and preservative-free, plus no added sugar. They come in three flavors—Supergreen, Rawberry, and Cocoa-nut—in either whey protein or plant-based protein, so all you dairy-free people have options. All you have to do is mix one of the packets in with 8 oz. of water, in either a shaker or a blender (if you’re fancy). Despite all the real ingredients, these have a shelf life of 12 months, which better way outlast this period of lockdown, so help me.
Images: Joshua Rawson-Harris / Unsplash; Crunchmaster; Brownie Brittle; Harvest Snaps; Once Again; Kip’s; Hilary’s; free2b; Crunchsters; Chicken of the Sea; Hickory Nut Gap; Amazon
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If you needed another reason to feel personally victimized by Gwyneth Paltrow, look no further than this photo of her kitchen pantry she just organized with the help of a company called The Home Edit:
And without further delay…. @gwynethpaltrow’s fully organized pantry. We used hermetic canisters for nuts, berries, and grains; and bins for dinner, breakfast, and school snacks. Also…. being at Gwyneth’s house was the best moment of our life NO BIG DEAL. Products linked on our favorites page under shop THE feed // @liketoknow.it http://liketk.it/2qcNv ✨ #thehomeedit #goop #pantry #organization
Aside from being very pretty and every person’s adderall-induced dream, this is about as sad as it gets for a snack station. The inventory includes: two bags of Popchips, some almonds, a bunch of sauces, black beans and more black beans. That was literally my exact diet on spring break in Mexico and I can say from firsthand experience that it’s simply not sustainable, even with 75 margaritas included. Speaking of which, you can clearly tell no one in this household is allowed to drink or get within 15 yards of the area because otherwise this entire thing would be destroyed in under ten seconds. All in all, this is not pantry goals, but it is everything we expected from a celeb who is known for permanently detoxing and named her children Apple and Moses.