Is ‘The Hills: New Beginnings’ Worth Watching?

Biggest surprise? I f*cking loved it. The Hills: New Beginnings is perfect to watch if you’ve missed these people, but terrible to watch if you were hoping to see them do well. And even though I could have predicted, say, Spencer not being a normal person in 2019, there were other pretty big surprises in The Hills: New Beginnings pilot. The setting: Audrina’s just gone through a divorce, Speidi is still holding on by a thread (now with babies!), and no one seems to have met Brody’s wife. It’s bleak as hell, it makes me actively sad, and yet I cannot stop watching. Here were the biggest shockers I learned from The Hills: New Beginnings episode 1.

Audrina & Justin Bobby Are STILL A THING

Audrina super casually drops that Justin Bobby was the first person to reach out to her after she got a divorce. OF COURSE HE WAS. Of course Justin Bobby is the level of douche who not only hits you up immediately after a breakup, but immediately after a divorce. Unfortunately, this is still Audrina we’re dealing with, so she sees nothing suspicious about his behavior, and is strongly considering* going on a date with him soon.

*I wrote that at the beginning of the episode. 35 minutes in, they’re on a date. Justin Bobby just said “comment allez-vous,” and I am deceased. Here’s a moment from their date:

Brody Didn’t Invite Spencer To His Wedding

If nothing else, you should watch the pilot just to hear Spencer say “in the media, we are very hated” with more bitterness than I knew he had in him. Among Spencer’s other grievances: Brody didn’t invite him to his wedding, because (per Brody) they weren’t speaking on a daily basis at that time. To be fair, Spencer does say earlier in the episode that he and Heidi were “basically in the Witness Protection Program” in Costa Rica. While that’s in no way factually accurate, I assume Spencer used it as an excuse to drop off the grid and ghost everyone he knew, including Brody. Seems like Brody noticed.

Brody’s Marriage Is A Train Wreck

Oh my god. The very first scene with Brody and his wife Kaitlynn has me screaming into a pillow because a) it’s so relatable and b) their marriage looks so very bad. Brody is in full-on avoidance mode: after coming home late the night before, he literally slept in his car to avoid being yelled at by Kaitlynn. Kaitlynn, for her part, does yell at Brody a lot and boss him around, to the point where it seems like she fundamentally doesn’t trust him to remember or do anything correctly on his own. Honestly, I’d need to see footage from the past few years to know whether or not she’s in the right.

Pamela Anderson Is Kinda Political

Apparently, Pamela Anderson moved to France after Trump was elected. Not a piece of information I expected to get from The Hills: New Beginnings. But since Pamela Anderson’s son Brandon is on this show, I have now found it out, and it surprises me. Also, she is a big believer in sage, and her eyes do not move the normal amount.

Mischa Barton Has No Real Connection To These People

Okay. I know the fakest part of all these reality shows is that none of the stars are actually friends off-camera—or in any case, that’s the fakest part of the Housewives franchise. I knew it was weird when they added Mischa Barton to a Hills reboot, but I was open-minded: maybe these people knew her more than I thought. Nope! She and Stephanie apparently have something of a history, but the other girls are more or less strangers to her. I have a feeling Mischa’s about to get the Erika Jayne treatment, aka everyone talking sh*t about how she’s an ice queen. But hello! She literally isn’t friends with them. I’d be cold as hell too.

Mischa at a Hills cocktail party: 

I would’ve loved to talk more about Heidi and Spencer from this episode, but honestly nothing they’re doing is surprising. It’s upsetting, it seems like a huge cry for help, but it’s also exactly what you would expect of Speidi: Parent Edition. Kindly comment with your best guesses on everyone’s plastic surgery choices below!

Images: MTV Press; Giphy(3)

7 Celebrities You Forgot Had Sex Tapes

Ah, the infamous celebrity sex tape. We love ‘em, celebrities hate ‘em. It seems like it’s been a hot minute since news has spread about the last celebrity to have purposely accidentally leaked a commercially produced video intended for sales private video that they are mortified to be released. Sigh. But fear not, I’ve done us all a favor and compiled a list of infamous celebrity sex tapes to bring back the good ol’ days of watching porn for the celebrity spottings, rather than sexual pleasure. Simpler times.

1. Kim Kardashian

I wouldn’t say anyone has completely forgotten about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape (Ray J certainly hasn’t), but I do feel like we don’t remember it often enough. Back in 2007, when the first iPhone was put on the market and Britney Spears shaved her head, a sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian and then-boyfriend, Ray J, was released by Vivid Entertainment. Whether this was a carefully orchestrated plan by momager Kris Jenner or not (it was), this tape put Kim K and the rest of her family on the map, jumpstarting their successful careers. It also kind of put celebrity sex tapes in general on the map as a way to enhance one’s fame rather than nuke one’s career. Apparently, seven years after her momentous debut, Kim and Kayne West reportedly filmed a sex tape in 2014, but it has not been released to the public, probably out of fear that it would rip a hole in the space time continuum. I cannot help but picture Kris as Regina George’s mom during the filming of both of these sex tapes.

2. Paris Hilton

In 2003, back when Kim was just Paris’ assistant (I think, don’t quote me), Paris used her name to her advantage and 1 Night in Paris was released. Her tape with ex Rick Salomon (whose name looks like a typo but isn’t) went on to win three AVN awards, presented by the American adult video industry trade magazine, in 2005. I guess if you’re going to have your sex tape leaked, to your humiliation, right before the premiere of your new reality show, it better win some fucking awards.

Paris Hilton

3. Pamela Anderson

She wasn’t nicknamed “Rubber Band” for nothing (incidentally that was my nickname in college, but for different reasons). In 1996, Pam filmed a sex tape with famously huge penis-haver Tommy Lee, and in 1998, she filmed another one with Bret Michaels. Bret would then go on to film Rock Of Love, a show where women competed for the honor of having him give them HPV, and Rock Of Love Bus, where they did the same thing but on a bus. Did Bret’s brief on-camera appearance in Pam’s sex tape motivate him to appear on Rock of Love years later? Probably not, but a girl can dream, right?

4. Hulk Hogan

In 2007, a video was leaked of Hulk having sex with his best friend, SpongeBob Square Pants Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife, Heather Cole. I don’t know what is scarier about this sex tape: the security footage-like filming of it planted by Bubba (since neither of them knew that they were being filmed—someone call the SVU), the fact that Hulk was having sex with his best friend’s wife while both couples were still married, or Hulk’s tan lines. Or perhaps it’s the fact that a GROWN ADULT MAN willingly chooses to go by “Bubba”. Actually, if I had to pick the scariest part, I’d say it’s the fact that this sex tape brought down Gawker.

Hulk Hogan

5. Tila Tequila

Are we even shocked? Next.

6. Nadya Suleman

Another person’s desperate attempt at fame. Remember Octomom? Yeah, weird times. In 2012, she released a solo sex tape called “Octomom at Home.” I assume that “solo sex tape” this means she’s masturbating, but I’m on my work computer so not gonna look that up. The name leaves much to be desired. It kind of sounds like the next Spider-Man movie. I get that desperate times call for desperate measures, but this seems a little excessive. This is my mental image of Octomom’s sex tape:

Urusla

7. Dustin Diamond

The artist formerly known as Screech graciously gave the world a tape of him having sex. Not sure why. It was the celebrity sex tape literally nobody asked for.

Images: Giphy (3)