John Cusack royally fucked us (no pun intended) the night he decided to stand outside Diane’s house and serenade her with a boom box over his head until she was forced to tell him to stfu. Since then, thanks to every other improbable modern-day romcom, we’ve been fooled into thinking borderline stalker romantic gestures like that are actual things. Like, I can’t even get a guy to flirt with me long enough to get annoyed by it. Anyway, if there’s one thing more pathetic than a classic romcom airport sprint out of pure desperation, it’s the art of romcom fuckery and its unrealistic perfection no matter where the task is performed. Sure, crafty sex scenes make for great study material, but think about it—do you ever actually see the outcomes? The answer is no, because it’s not a fucking thing. Look, I get it—duty calls, sometimes where you least expect it, and I couldn’t give less fucks where you choose to fork it out, but taking your shag sesh into unfuckable territory is like signing up for a group project—great in theory, but 12 times out of 10, you’ll end up frustrated and blaming your partner for their shitty performance. So
whomever whatever you do, don’t repeat my mistakes, and avoid boning in these v overrated places at all costs (unless maybe you’re Christian Grey).
1. The Shower
I’m sorry, but who hasn’t been personally victimized by shower sex? The main reason for this failure is that no normal, struggling adult human actually owns a shower bigger than a vacuum closet, but when it comes to sex, the last thing that should be wet and slippery is the playing field. The first thing? Fucking duh, but don’t expect your platinum vagine to sustain prime-moisture (ew omg “moist!”) once Harold from upstairs flushes the toilet, causing the water flow to surpass the average boiling temp and your leg to slip out from under you during mediocre standing-up sex. Music videos might make this shit look effortless, but nobody comes out of a shower looking like a naturally gleaming Shay Mitchell. Not even Shay Mitchell. So unless for some god-awful reason you’re wearing waterproof mascara or a shower cap, that “glow” you’re thinking of is nothing but a mixture of sweat and disappointment.
2. The Beach
We’ve all secretly dreamt of telling a story about lusting over a short-lived fling while doing the deed on a secluded beach during those warm summer nights…K, sit the fuck down, Danny Zuko. This is why they invented a cocktail called “sex on the beach”, because actually having sex on a beach requires you to ease the discomfort with like, six of them right after. Think about it: since when is the beach ever not windy, so say goodbye to that overpriced Dry Bar blowout. And it’s more likely you won’t be conveniently prepared with a towel, so now you’re forced to fuck on the lifeguard tower where half the high school population lost their virginities. Also, you knew this was coming: sand. The fucking sand. That shit is like the herpes of the earth—you’ll still be pulling it out of certain crevices weeks later, so really, need I say more?
3. The Backseat Of A Car
Question for you: Are we still in 10th grade? Now where was I? Nobody who’s had decent sex would ever resort to the backseat to bang one out. First off, idk what genius implanted into the Y.A.-millennial minds that “smaller” is better and more practical, but try having sex in the backseat of a Fiat and then we can talk. I’m also just gonna assume that if you’re doing it in his car, his mom just gave him gas money after telling him to clean his room before he left to pick you up. And that musty stench you’re probably wondering about? You’re now breathing in his sweaty ballsack residue from last week’s gym shorts.
But mostly, I blame Kate Winslet for this mess. Honestly, the first time I watched the sex scene in Titanic, I saw everything through my hand covering my eyes (which says a lot about me now), so fast forward 15 years and too much car sex experience to shamelessly admit later, I now know that her hand sliding down the window was not the product of a steamy DiCaprio-gifted orgasm, but more along the lines of a desperate gasp for air in an overheated crammed space with a seatbelt buckle wedged under her ass. Spare yourself the torture.
4. The Jacuzzi
Oooooo jacuzzis are so sexual because you’re already half naked, and the bubbles give added mystery! Remember that thing we learned about in 7th grade science class? It’s called friction. Before you go in for kill, know that you’re literally going against the laws of physics when the water washes away your natural lubricant you worked so hard to get during that 12 minutes of underwater humping. Also, I don’t mean to go all WebMD on you, but it’s fucking disgusting. It’s gross enough soaking in your own bathtub filth, but jacuzzis are like the holy grail of community disease. So moral of the story, don’t have jacuzzi sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
5. Your Parents’ Bed
If somebody were to voluntarily tell me a story that began with “we fucked in my parents’ bed”, I would immediately make my way over to the nearest window, and plummet to my death. Next.
6. The Kitchen Counter
What is this, Discovery Channel? Unless you’ve actually inherited the kitchen of Gordon Ramsey, or the cleanliness of my mother over the holidays, I will not be placing my bare ass anywhere near your rotting fruit bowl or your 7-piece CutCo knife set. Sure, the kitchen is filled with necessary foreplay assets, like whipped cream and syrup, but chances are, if you feel the urgent need to set up camp on the kitchen counter, you’ll have already decided to forgo said toppings, or foreplay, or hell, a condom for that matter. Plus, I’ve spent more money than I’m willing to admit on Pilates classes so my ass doesn’t look like a fucking chicken cutlet, and the last thing any girl would want is to actually smell like one.
7. An Airplane Bathroom
I’d be lying if I said that joining the Mile-High Club isn’t the top bucket list item on my phone notepad, but the idea itself is fucking dumb. Unless you’re Kylie Jenner on a private plane and whatever ugly rapper she’s fucking now, having sex in that tiny-ass bathroom without getting caught is virtually impossible. Honestly, what’s the appeal here? It’s awkward enough trying to maneuver around someone in the airplane hallways after they’ve just yacked up their lunch, but you can’t even sit on that toilet without an entire butt cheek hanging off and feeling like you’re going to be sucked into a black hole, let alone withstanding the smell of pee you just stepped in. What’s the reward here? A bag of expired peanuts? An attempt for a cool story? At this point, you’re better off giving a handy under the blanket until the fasten seatbelt sign turns on.
I get it. When you’re a wrinkly and crusty old lady, you want to be able to set the grandbabies down for tea and regale them with tales of your golden era as a sexually adventurous, totally bangable piece. Dropping sugar cubes and knowledge as an old lady like you once dropped that ass. I know. Dream. But let’s be real, some sex trends, like any trend, are just embarrassing and you should probably never admit you tried them—just like how you should burn all your pictures from the time you shaved half your head and thought exposing the strip of torso above your belly button was cute. So hold on to your lube-coated ankles, because I’m here to de-mystify some of culture’s most overrated sex positions—the ones that everyone pretends to love when in reality they’re boring/uncomfortable/outright weird. You’re welcome.
1. The Sixty-Nine (69)
Fine, laugh at the number. I’ll wait.
Now that that’s done, let’s break down the practicalities that make this oft-referenced position an actual nightmare. First, there’s the matter of angles. If you’re doing it right, your partner isn’t going to be flaccid, meaning he’ll be jamming it down (or up—I leave that up to you) your throat in a way that’s going to force your jaw into a dangerously uncomfortable position. The only way to avoid hyperextending your lower mandible is to be twisting yourself around some dude who’s significantly shorter than you, and… I mean… ew. So, assuming your hookup is a respectable height, there’s the chance you’ll end up at the doctor with lockjaw. And then there’s the fact that it’s kind of impossible to enjoy oral when you’re focused on also giving good oral at the same time. You can’t even give directions because you literally have a mouth full of dick.
Secondly, there’s the matter of buttholes—namely, the butthole of each participant. Butts in your face. Butts near your mouth. I don’t care how often you frequent the anal bleaching center—it’s not going to be a pretty sight. Just say no to this position. Nobody wins and everybody loses.
2. The Pile-Driver
All right, ladies, I know you’ve been dedicated to that New Year’s Resolution to find your zen and master your gym’s intermediate yoga classes (if only you kept that resolution not to hook up with randos in music festival port-a-johns anymore as successfully), but the bedroom isn’t necessarily the time to show off.
Who am I kidding? Of course it is. But the pile-driver isn’t going to bring out the peace in you, I promise.
Sure, you might feel sexy sinking into plow in your Lululemon yoga pants, but naked is a whole other thing altogether. Literally no one can curl up like that without having a flabby pack of rolls present themselves like a pan of fresh-baked King’s Hawaiians at Easter dinner. And you, with your craned neck and unavoidable double-chin, get a front row seat to the roll-a-rama. Then enter some dude stage center, to literally sit on your butt, as if gravity and your own body weight weren’t enough on an inconvenience to your attempted sexiness. Then you have to just remain there, immobilized, with the weight of a grown-ass adult pressing down on your neck, while he tries to find a way to get his erect dick to aim the exact opposite direction from its natural inclination in order to penetrate you.
No one’s in total control of their body in this situation. So you’re both forcing your bodies to do things they don’t want to do, pretending like anything’s going to come from it other than eventual debilitating scoliosis. Oh, and you know he’s going to “accidentally” go for the wrong hole.
3. Doggie Style
“Oooooh, my guy’s so kinky, he likes to hit it from behind, blah blah blah.” WHATEVER. Yeah, I was in tenth grade once too. But it’s time to grow up. Can we all agree that doggie style is the new missionary? There’s nothing exciting about it anymore. Maybe it’s hot if you’re facing a mirror, but more often than not you’re just face-down in a dirty comforter, trying to not suffocate for four and a half minutes with your eyes pounding around in your skull.
And I hate to break it to you ladies, but if he can only come when he’s hitting it doggie style—HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. Worse, he prob doesn’t even find you attractive. Are you his girlfriend? Ariana Grande? Nicolas Cage? From your dude’s point of view, he literally cannot tell. Plus, why am I going to spend an hour contouring and highlighting my face for a dick appointment if he’s just gonna flip me over and rub it all off on the pillow anyway? That’s gonna be a no from me, dog.
4. Titty Fucking
You know where my clit is not? It’s not on my damn sternum, I’ll tell you that much. NEXT.
5. The Stand And Carry
I know it’s tempting, but unless you are both professional athletes, abort the fucking mission. This position requires a lot more core strength and endurance than you’d imagine. Plus, your guy’s biceps needs to be ripped, because despite you doing your sexiest naked koala impression, the onus to keep you from falling to your (very sweaty) death falls on his muscular arms. Have you ever started slipping from a piggy-back ride? Now imagine the same misstep, only from a piggy-front ride and with a hard-on clobbering away at your innards. And you’re naked. There’s just too much space for disaster.
6. Shower Sex
You know when you’re slicker than a baby oil-covered slip and slide? One of the worst things you can do is to wash it all away. If your dude is making you as horny as he damned well better, then your body is going to produce all the moisture you need to do the damn thing. (Sorry, I said moist in a sex article.) (Sorry, I did it again.) If you’re wet and ready to go, climbing in the shower is just going to rinse away all your body’s hard work. Plus, you’re going to have to take a real shower after sex, so this is pointless on many levels.
Even moving past the issue of lubrication, shower sex is overrated because people assume it’s steamy, but they forget that hot water only lasts so long. Do you really want to have hot shower sex for sixteen minutes—twelve if the neighbors flush the toilet—and then suddenly be boning under a glacial waterfall? And you’ll probably be concentrating so hard on not slipping and falling and cracking your skull on the tile and dying of a brain injury that you won’t even enjoy the sex.
7. Reverse Cowgirl
Only rodeo clowns ride horses backward. Are you a rodeo clown? No? Moving on.
If you and your new husband Jeremiah have just arrived to some isolated Mozambique village in the 1920s with a charge from God to build a church and teach the children, and you’ve just dismounted from your eighteen hour carriage journey to sweep the rug of your new hut, and you look over to your straw mattress to see Jeremiah giving you that come-hither stare from beneath the brim of his Panama hat, then sure, have missionary sex with that beautiful, boring, god-fearing man right this instant. But if you’re showing up at Chad from Bumble’s loft at 11:45pm with a half-empty bottle of silver tequila and push-up bra with whipped cream stains on the cup, then trust me when I say that missionary is not the position for you.
Not only is it boring as all hell, but you run the risk of Chad wanting to maintain eye contact with you while he mutters about how much he loves you or the ways you resemble his ex or his favorite scone recipes or literally ANYTHING. All the while you just have to watch him watch you. The risk factors are immense.
Obviously, do your thing—if you’re super into doggystyle or something, I give not a single fuck. Just know that there’s a whole world of (actually good) sex positions out there you’re leaving unexplored.