If you’re a thrill-seeker (is there a cooler phrase for this, anyone?) then you’ve probably either already had sex in public or at least entertained the idea. Mom, if you ever want to speak again, stop reading here. I, for one, am a thrill-seeker. There’s something about having sex in a public place that is so hot, and I truly don’t know which it is—the excitement of being watched or the excitement of being caught. Maybe it’s both! In my opinion, public sex is best when it’s not planned. No shame to those who choose their seats near the lavatories for a mile-high club membership, but maybe all that planning killed the moment? The smell, claustrophobic conditions, and knowing 500 other people have peed where you’re doing the deed could also be to blame. All I gotta say about the MHC is been there, done that, am not impressed.
F*cking in public is a delicate art that is best served hot, so make sure there are no immediate
boner-mood-killers nearby. There are certain elements—like sand and other people, among other things—that make public sex awkward and uncomfortable for both you and anyone in the passing vicinity, so make sure to choose your spot wisely. As should be assumed, don’t look to the movies for help because, as always, they get it wrong. There are so many wonderful places to f*ck in public that I’ll leave you to discover on your own, but for now, I’ll just throw out a few places to avoid trying to turn into pound town.
Sex on the beach sucks. I can’t even claim to have done this because the thought of scrubbing sand out of my hair/genitalia for weeks in exchange for a half hour of action just isn’t a concept I can get on board with. Also, unless you’re staying at Lindsay Lohan’s beach club in a private cabana (which, honestly, doesn’t quite count), you have no reason to have sex on any beach anywhere. They are just too open, which, in my opinion, takes the intimacy out of it. If you have an anecdote that proves otherwise, hit me up in the comments. Until then, I’m sticking to my guns and am declaring the beach officially off-limits. Not that I took a poll, but I did ask a few of my friends for their opinions on the matter and got a unanimous and resounding “no.” Like the keto diet, it’s something everyone kind of wants to try, but ends up being really miserable and not worth it.
I hope this is obvious, but people do it. You know how I know that? I WITNESSED IT. Look, I live in New York, which means almost nothing fazes me, but seeing two pasty teenagers humping against a boulder in Central Park made me want to claw my own eyes out. I was having a lovely stroll in the springtime air with my friend as we made our way back to the east side, and then we became eyewitnesses to what initially looked like a very tender homicide. Like beaches, most parks are so f*cking open (that’s kind of the point) that someone is bound to see you and ruin it. From the ~lovers’~ perspective, f*cking in a park sucks just as much as it does for any unfortunate passersby. Like, are you doing it on the dirty grass? What if ants crawl inside you and lay eggs? Do ants even lay eggs? *Googles if ants lay eggs.* Ants aside, there are also so many nasty things on the ground that I can’t even discuss, because it’s grossing me out just thinking about how to remove tree sap from my cooch.
All I gotta say is that if you are still tempted to bang in the park after reading this, please let me know about the ant situation and if either of you managed to finish without getting caught by some dudes playing frisbee.
The only reason why I am against this is because it never takes place at like, The Ritz-Carlton. Instead, it’s always at a gross dive bar where the floors are sticky with god-knows-what and, for some unexplained reason, there’s water and toilet paper everywhere. My sexy good time in a bathroom was not planned; it was totally heat of the moment, brought on by many drinks and my aggressiveness toward a crush finally paying off. Am I saying I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Also no. Luckily for you guys, this was not my first romantic experience in a bathroom, so I can confirm that all bathrooms are not for f*cking! In all honesty, my main issue was the lights. They were too bright. Like, I was so drunk that the mess and extreme level of grossness didn’t really bother me, but the blinding lights were so distracting that I had a really hard time focusing.
This is another experience that movies get totally wrong. Has anyone ever seen Skins? The British version, not the embarrassing American remake. There’s a scene where James Cooke has sex in a car and it’s like, so steamy. So my college boyfriend and I attempted this when I was visiting his family in Boston in the dead of winter, and it just didn’t work. Maybe if we were in a limo? But not in a Jeep Liberty in sub-zero temps. Even if you’re both super petite, there just isn’t enough space to do anything except drive and be a passenger in a car. Period. Like, the only way to even kind of do it was for me to be on top, so that’s what I did, but I kept hitting my head on the ceiling and there was no space, so I was just risking a concussion over and over, and he was just sitting there probably wishing it would end. There is no logistical way to have sex in a car. There just isn’t. We even paused to Google what would work and even Google was basically just like, “Go back inside.”
I will truly never understand the appeal here. I’ve never been in an elevator for more than 15 seconds, and I used to work on the 24th floor of my office building. I’d like to know what elevator is both big enough and slow enough for this?! If any guy could climax in 15 seconds, I’d be more disappointed than impressed. And for those of you who think that pushing the emergency stop button is the move, it isn’t. It sends a signal to both the building manager and, sometimes, the local police, so you’d be in trouble real soon after. But, like, f*ck the police, amiright? Also, the only way for this to work, assuming that, by some miracle, the elevator stops on its own (which is def not a miracle) is if you have sex standing up. Worst position ever. You need to have the perfect height ratio with your partner for this to work, and also, how do you stop other people from getting in the elevator?
Look, I know that having sex in public anywhere is illegal, and nobody should be advocating for others to break the law, but the reality is that people still do it. And I’m actually not suggesting anyone go bang in public… in fact, I’m telling you where you should especially avoid doing it.
Images: Giphy (5); Unsplash
It’s starting to get warm again, y’all, and you know what that means. It’s time to start having sex outdoors. If you’re rolling your eyes and picturing sand in unmentionable places, bear with me. There are plenty of places to have sex outside that do not involve the ocean’s toilet (aka the beach). Obviously, you’ll want to start spending some time outdoors now, because you probably forget what the sun looks like. But I for one am not particularly interested in dragging all the outside dirt/sweat I pick up day drinking in Williamsburg home to my only slightly food-stained freshly pressed sheets. And you shouldn’t be either. Stop wasting the lovely spring weather with boring indoor sex. Here’s where you should be hooking up instead.
I want to be very clear here that I have never had sex on a boat. I am irritated with myself for even suggesting a boat, because I’m now in a tailspin of sadness about the fact that I’ve never acquired access to a personal boat, and probably never will. Boat-wise, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Also, if there are motion-sickness concerns when banging in a boat, I don’t know about them. All that is to say, proceed with caution.
Anyway, a boat seems like the ideal place to have outdoor sex in so many ways. (Specifically, a sturdy boat capable of fitting 5-10 people comfortably.) You’re on the water, which is key for Titanic role play, and also privacy. Also, literally everyone feels sexier and more alive while out in the ocean, so you have that going for you. And since boats are basically a condo for the ocean, you get all the comfort/cleanliness of indoors while being able to multi-task sex with perfecting your tan.
Be more like Rihanna. Have sex on boats.
Poolside, oceanside, I don’t care. The important thing is that there’s a nearby body of water. This will both make you feel summer-y and tropical, and the aforementioned nearby body of water should serve as a nice cool-down after. There should also be some level of seclusion/a mattress. Ideally, you’d pull a Kristen/James on Vanderpump Rules and find a private poolside, or just wait until 4am. If it isn’t clear yet, I’m not one of those savages who enjoys the “thrill of being caught.” I used to burst into tears if my teachers called on me—you can’t reverse that type of shy.
Important disclaimer: If you’re staying at a large resort (especially one with a family-friendly vibe), please don’t do this. Having sex in one of the 65 cabanas lining the pool will only end with a soundtrack of screaming children, and probably two new additions to the sex offender registry. At that point, you’re better off just pitching a tent on the beach (LOL puns).
Not directly related, but Dean and Kristina certainly just had sex in this pool, right?
This list has started sounding less like places to have sex and more like places Jordan Belfort does drugs. I’m sorry! I understand these are not all feasible, but you know the alternatives. And public, crowded outdoor places are just not going to be where I recommend you have sex. So, if you’re taking a vacation this summer and staying in a hotel, try for a room with a balcony. Or if you meet a hot guy on vacation—after taking all necessary precautions to assess that he’s not a murderer and allowing several girlfriends to track your iPhone location—and he has a sick suite, go take advantage of that. Hotel balconies give you the advantage of being able to duck quickly back indoors, typically involve some gorgeous views, and make you feel wildly adventurous without really posing a risk.
Cabana rule applies here: If there are multiple in a row, you’ll be in too much contact with your neighbors. Also, it should go without saying but the only sex you should be having on hotel balconies is standing up and from behind. No way are you sacrificing your view (and, potentially, your life) to turn around and perch up on some ledge.
Your goals for this summer:
If you absolutely insist on having sex some place where your risk for arrest is high, at least listen to the following advice. Do not have sex in public pools, which are filled with more filth than you ever want to think about, let alone literally open yourself to. Do not have sex directly on hot sand, if you value your skin or that of your partner. And if you absolutely have to have sex in the bathroom of whatever establishment you’re frequenting, at least see if there’s a nicer bathroom down the block with less of a line and/or chance someone puked in it in the last hour. Everyone involved in the situation will thank you.
Images: Giphy (3)