The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.

Hi Betches!

I know you answer questions about skin care all the time, but I recently have began making skin care more of a priority. I’m taking my makeup off every night and using both an eye cream and night time moisturizer daily. My question is about different skin masks… I’ve used charcoal/peel off masks, pore strips, sheet masks, and eye patches. Is it bad to use so many different types of products? Should I be using one of each once a week, or just pick one and stick with it? P.S. I have dry AF skin.

Thank you!
#ConfusedBetch

Dear Confused Betch,

Honestly your skin regimen sounds fucking exhausting. Like, I need a nap just listening to all the shit you do with your skin. However, you do bring up an interesting point. Dealing with your skin can be a more delicate art form than crafting the perfect Bumble bio or calculating how drunk is too drunk at work happy hours. TBH my skin can be way more psycho and vindictive than I’ve ever been with any of my ex-boyfriends. The good news though is that unlike my personality, your skin is totally fixable. So here’s what I’ve got for you:

1) You’re doing way too much with your skin rn. You need to cut that shit out pronto. Back to that psycho bitch comment, your skin can change with weather, mood, etc. so you should invest in a two-step skin care process. For example, pair a hydrating mask with a clay/exfoliating mask. The clay/exfoliating mask will pull out all that shit that’s clogging up your pores, while the hydrating mask will, like, hydrate your skin. Duh.

2) You’re also probs picking the wrong type of mask. Picking out a skin mask is not like showing up at CVS on your period and just saying “fuck it” when you get to the ice cream aisle. Just because the store is out of the type of mask you need doesn’t mean you can settle for whatever is there. This isn’t a frat party in your freshman dorm. It’s legit the chemist’s job to come up with the perfect formula for your skin so if you have dry skin (Hi, Confused Betch) then you need to use a hydrating formula.

3) But if you like wasting your time want to continue using the multi-masking system then you should only use multiple face masks to treat problem areas as they arise. This week it could be your nose low-key sabotaging your selfie game with blackheads. Then you should use a charcoal/clay mask for that area. Or maybe you got way too fucked up at last night’s happy hour and have more baggage happening under your eyes than I do in my love life. Then you need an eye-specific sheet mask. If you only treat the problem areas as they arise then you won’t overburden your skin more than you already are with that exhausting skin regimen.

But, I mean, at the end of the day, did I go to dermatology school or did I read just a bunch of articles on the Internet? I’ll let you decide…

XOXO,
The Betches

Sometimes, even for sex goddesses such as ourselves, banging the same person can get a little predictable. You meet for dinner, drink too much wine, the condom breaks and you take a terrifying trip to the pharmacy down the block, etc. etc. etc. Nothing to write home about. Not that you would write home about your sex life, anyway. Weird. And considering how easily betches get bored, it’s no wonder 75 percent of hookups end in male tears (citation needed). It also explains why your mom is still obsessed with 50 Shades of Fucked Up Grey despite it being a literally terrible book and possibly the work of a 13-year-old virgin with an overactive imagination.

But let me be clear: There are a bunch of ways to make sex more interesting without resorting to fisting and butt plugs (unless you’re into fisting and butt plugs (That’s what 50 Shades is about, right?). I mean, IDGAF if that’s your thing, but you have to know that’s a little out there for most of the population. So for everyone else that wants their night to include something other than missionary-doggy-style-missionary-sleep, here are eight ways to avoid getting bored without being that one friend who fucks a new guy off Bumble every day of the week. We’re not slut shaming, we’re just saying…

1. Try New Positions

Think about the hookups you’ve had in the past six months. Do you go for the same positions over and over again? Missionary has a reputation for being vanilla AF, but even inexplicable and gross kinky positions like the rusty trombone get old if you do them six times a week. (But seriously, don’t try the rusty trombone. Don’t even look it up on Urban Dictionary. You have been warned.) Unless you want to have the same sex life as a middle-aged couple, don’t get stuck doing the same positions over and over again just because they work. It’s like that time you were obsessed with Pilates—first, it was awesome and you felt fucking amazing. Six weeks later, you wanted to choke out the instructor just to silence her peppy voice, and not in a sexy way. I’m not saying that you have to turn into a walking Cosmo article or anything, but throwing a little reverse cowgirl into your routine never hurt anybody. Well, except for the fact that reverse cowgirl is responsible for over half of all penile fractures but like, whatever. Just be careful, I guess? Break hearts, not dicks.

2. Have Morning Sex

Waking up anytime before 12pm honestly feels like a human rights violation so I totally understand if you did a spit-take just now, but hear me out. One of the easiest (read: laziest) ways to add variety to your sex life is by switching up the time of day. Try setting your alarms earlier—be honeset with yourself, you only need to set it like 10 minutes early. Also maybe keep some mints near the bed to combat any aggressive morning breath situations that might occur. Morning sex is basically like a mini-morning workout, without any of the having to get up early and shower and get to the gym that usually comes along with it. As we all know, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Meaning just one or two sessions of morning sex will make you far less likely to kill your husband in the future/kill your annoyingly peppy coworker who wishes you “happy Wednesday.” 

3. Set A Time Limit

Type A betches, this one’s for you. If your dude finishes sex way too fast (tragic), try dumping him setting a minimum time limit to slow stuff down. This will probably mean incorporating more foreplay, oral, vibrator type stuff into your bedroom routine, which never hurt anybody. Well, except the 2,500 people who went to the hospital in 2012 for sex-toy related injuries. But that’s kind of on them. And 50 Shades of Grey. If, on the other hand, you always end up late for things because you and your SO get caught up in marathon sex, good for you—but also try for a quickie to shake things up. Plus, your skin will be all glowy when you get to brunch on time for once.

4. Have Sex In A Different (Not Public) Place

This is another lazy betch tip: Have sex in different place than normal. Like in Big Little Lies when Renata and her weird husband have sex in the bathroom and she’s happy for approximately 30 minutes. And besides, it’s honestly more work to move from the living room floor to the bedroom anyway, so you’re doing yourself a favor here. Just pause the Netflix, go at it, and resume. No need to change locales. But please—don’t have sex somewhere gross like your parents’ bed or anyone else’s bed or anywhere public because that shit can get you arrested, and we don’t want to be responsible for that because we’re not posting your bail.

5. Fantasize Like You’re Bored At School

You might feel like a sex pro at this point in your life, but that’s not actually true unless you’re a literal professional. In which case, what are you even doing here? Basically, there’s a bunch of stuff you’re probably still curious about, so start paying attention to your sexual fantasies and notice what themes come up often. You’re smart—if you like to daydream about hooking up with a blindfolded Jesse Williams, you can figure out a way to incorporate that into your sex life (minus the actual presence of Dr. Avery, unforunately). If you’re feeling a little starved for ideas, here’s a good place to start:

6. Get Dressed Up

I think we all know the power a simple wardrobe change can have on our level of attractiveness. Who doesn’t feel sexier when they’re wearing makeup and lingerie? I’m the first person to support wearing yoga pants 24/7, but we all have to admit they’re not exactly a turn-on. Pick a random day to get all dressed up and seduce your SO with the element of surprise. Even Forever 21 sells lingerie now (I would know, I was there yesterday), so don’t try to hit me with the “help me, I’m poor” excuse.

 7. Get Your Man To Dress Up

Dressing up is a two-way street. It’s, like, the rules of feminism that if you’re willing to smell nice and put on fancy lingerie, so can your SO. Maybe not the lingerie part (again, unless you’re into that), but if he’s always wearing cargo shorts and Sperry’s, he can’t actually expect anyone to be attracted to him. If he doesn’t know that, someone has to be brutally honest with him sooner or later, and you’re just the woman for the job. Tell him that if he doesn’t leave the house right now, rent at tux, and pretend to be your Gatsby then you’re just going to open up your Instagram DM’s and hit up the first guy in there. JK, don’t do that. But you know what we mean. 

8. Use Sex Toys

If you don’t already own at least one sex toy, ask yourself: why? You spend all this time pampering your face, hair, and nails, why not set aside a little extra dough to pamper your platinum vagine? There are literally so many different types of sex toys that there’s no reason you can’t try at least one. You don’t have to go straight to pegging your BF; you can keep it casual. All you need is a vibrator and like 10-15 minutes of alone time to figure out what works. At the very least, you’ll no longer need a man who actually knows where the clitoris is in order to have a satisfying sex life— you’ll be the leading world expert in getting yourself off. If only that was the kind of skill you could put on your resume. 

Honestly, it’s not hard to keep sex interesting as long as you actually try to switch things up. But don’t blame me if any of this stuff doesn’t work—you’re the one who’s getting sex tips from someone on the internet. As cool as it would be, I’m not a sexual psychic (yet).

We here at Betches celebrate moms. Moms are great to talk shit with. They always take your side. And, most importantly, they gave us at least 50% of our current beauty. But just like all things that are great—like cheese and my regular coke binge—limits are key. It’s great to be close with your mom, but you’ve got to have boundaries. Otherwise it’s just plain weird. And that’s why I’m here, to write a response piece to an article I read called “My Mom Is My Best Friend And That Is More Than Ok.” I, a random Betches writer with literally no personal interest in the matter and who doesn’t even know you, am here to tell you that no, it’s not okay—it’s fucking weird.

Literally the first words of this piece are “Thank you for being the Lorelai to my Rory,” so I was already suppressing my gag reflex to begin with.

Things did not get any better for me when I came across passages like:

“Many people can see this as a bad thing or that it means that your mom is your only friend, but that is far from the truth.”

Okay, I am down with the whole “mom as a friend” idea to an extent—which we’ll get to later—but your ONLY friend? Honey, that is concerning. You need to have friends your own age, and you need to have friends that aren’t basically required by virtue of being related to you/having housed you in their womb to be your friend.

Like, if your mom is your ONLY friend in the entire world it means either of a few scenarios are possible. 1) You just moved, which, okay we’ll cut you some slack, Squid. 2) You can’t relate to people your own age which indicates that you should stop watching Oxygen and go to a party or something. 3) You just suck as a person so nobody who doesn’t have to be your friend will. Both the latter two options are troubling, to say the least. If you have ZERO friends other than the woman who carried you in her uterus for nine months, it’s time to look at your life, look at your choices.

“I may have seemed unappreciative growing up, but truthfully I just did not appreciate you enough.”

That … that is literally what unappreciative means.

“My mom is always the first person I call in the morning and the last person I call at night.”

Oh, so you’re one of THOSE. Look, I’m sorry, but between the time you called your mom at night, slept, and woke up, what could have possibly happened in your life that you need to fill your mom in on? Did you have a bad dream? Sorry, but seeing as you’re not Martin Luther King Jr., literally nobody cares. Not even your mom. Yeah, I said it.

“She knows all there is to know about my life and I would not want it any other way.”

See, this, this right here is the problem. Is it great if you’re close to your mom? Yes. Sure. By all means, have a ball. Should your mom know ALL THERE IS TO KNOW about your life? Hell to the no! It’s all about BOUNDARIES. Say it with me now. For instance, it’s cool to tell your mom you went out on a date. It’s even fine to tell her you met your date on Tinder. It’s NOT cool to tell your mom you and said Tinder date met up in an Kroger parking lot and you sucked his dick in the backseat of his car. I’m using a completely random and made-up example for illustrative purposes, obviously.

See what I mean? If your mom really and truly knows every detail about your life it means there’s something wrong with the both of you. Like, my parents love me and are interested in my life and all, but when they asked me what I was doing last Saturday night, they didn’t really want to know what I was actually doing, which was mixing vodka and Adderall emotions at a lingerie party in Brooklyn. They just wanted to know that I was going out with some friends. Both statements are technically true, but only one allows me to keep my inheritance. Feel me?

In short, if your mom is really your best friend, it’s fucking weird, and I don’t think it means what you think it means. I tell my mom about 20% of what I tell my ACTUAL best friends (sorry, Mom). If you think of you and your mom like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore, there’s probably something wrong. Then again, I never watched Gilmore Girls. 

Appropriately Distant Kisses,

The Betches

He doesn’t have to be an actual ex-boyfriend to have f*cked with your head. Whether you’ve just gotten out of a real relationship or a pseudo one, you still committed your thoughts and emotions to one person. And now that it’s over, your thoughts naturally must go elsewhere.

Sure, you have an uncanny ability to talk at length about this season’s Essie colors, or whether Kourtney and Scott’s love for one another is eternal, but your mind will eventually find its way back to the guy you couldn’t stop thinking about a week—or even a month—ago.

But you have to stop thinking about him before you can let yourself start thinking about someone else (besides yourself, obviously)

 “Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.” —Madonna

If you had it easy and had actual closure to your relationship, all you really have to do is wait. Time, Netflix, and SoulCycle heal all wounds. Embrace them.

Keep reminding yourself that your breakup was for the best, and that even though life sucks right now, it will be so much better later on when your mind is clear of your ex and onto better things like the hot guy you’re hooking up with or the new Chanel bag your mom got you for Christmas.

The real way to get over someone you have been under for so long is to find ways to stop thinking about him. But when you do find your mind wandering into ex territory, which typically happens when your phone dies or when the Brazilian wax technician isn’t particularly talkative that day, just let yourself go there.

Allow yourself to feel sad about the situation, that you miss him, you miss having a boyfriend, blah fucking blah. A little sadness is normal, lean into it for a few minutes.

The Boyfriend Mourning Formula:

If You Dated For Under A Year:

(The amount you liked him from a scale 0-5) x = weeks to get over him.

Example: You fell out of love. So you’re basically over it. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. Congrats, Betch, you’re ready to move on.

Second Example: You were together for nine months, you loved him and he broke your heart. 5x=22.5 weeks, or 5–6 months. Remember this is a maximum. If you take longer than this, spare your friends the agony and seek professional help. Please.

If You Dated For 1-3 Years:

You have six months to one year. You’re allowed one month to wallow in your own self-pity, but that’s it. Use the rest of this time of mourning to get back to your old self.

If You Dated For Over Three Years:

You have one year and that’s it. Okay MAYBE one and a half depending on the dramatic nature of the breakup. Just remember, Botox can’t stop your eggs from aging.

But don’t ever pity yourself. You are not hopeless; you will bounce back to your normal self. Allow yourself those few minutes of sadness, but then snap out of it. Remember that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Don’t forget, you’re a betch. Don’t make us look bad.

Eventually the sadness will subside and you’ll be able to think clearly. Make it a point to go out when you would have typically stayed in with him. If you had a favorite restaurant at which you two always ate, go find an even better restaurant and make a f*cking new memory with your besties.

Fuck, we feel like sad pathetic losers even writing this. But it’s fine, because being depressed over a guy is a super pathetic sad and loser-y state to be in. Once you are able to look back and laugh at just how sad and pathetic you were during those long weeks or months (hopefully not years, time is the only thing you can’t ever get back), then congrats because you are so over it.

Other Signs You Are Over It

Hearing his name and not getting a weird nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. Good sign. Seeing him in public without peeing your pants. Another good sign.

You may also be over it if you go on a date with someone and not once even think of your ex. But by date, we don’t mean a one-night stand.

Sure, go out and have sex with a stranger, we don’t discourage it. But don’t assume that just because you f*cked someone else, you’re through the mourning process. Hook up for yourself, don’t do it out of revenge or sadness. Because eventually the sex will end (probably too quickly), and you will go back to the rut from which you came (or more likely, didn’t come).

However, if you didn’t have closure to your relationship, that’s an entirely different fucked-up playing field. This guy either ghosted you or never really gave you a concise, believable answer as to why he ended things.

When this happens, you have to make your own closure, which is about as easy and exciting as a juice cleanse or having a conversation with a cab driver. Lucky for you, we have a handy guide for you to get over this loser. The name of the game is replay, reconsider and repeat. (Yes, it’s a play on lather, rinse, repeat.) Unless you’re dirty AF, the goal of a hair-shower (not to be confused with a body-shower, which you should do daily) is to get rid of the dirt and oils that have accumulated on your scalp and hair throughout the day(s).

Now think of that dirt you’re removing like the guy you’re seeing. If you can get rid of him with just one rinse, congrats. But if you can’t, keep repeating, Betch. He’s bound to get out of your hair eventually.

Step One: Replay

Replay the relationship in your head. But instead of looking at it from your biased and slightly fantasized perspective, look at it from his. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but imagine what he was thinking during each conversation or situation that you think may have taken part in your relationship’s demise.

When you were saying, “I’m having a birthday party Saturday, you should stop by if you want,” is it possible he heard, “I want you to meet all my friends and celebrate a life milestone with me, and I’m just tricking you into a relationship?”

Step Two: Reconsider

Now that you’ve seen his perspective, it’s time to be realistic and reconsider the situation. Delve deeper into what the actual truth of each situation is. Only then will you uncover what was actually wrong with the relationship and your communication.

Here, even though it hurts, try to be as real as you can. Maybe after some consideration you realized that you didn’t really know him, and he didn’t know you at all. You even asked your friends what they thought of him and they’re like, What’s he look like again? Perhaps you were obsessed with the idea of him and not actually him. You know that saying that goes “there’s your side, his side, and the truth?”

Well the goal of this process is to see the truth. You’re not a 45-year-old alcoholic homemaker from the 1950s; you don’t need to lie to yourself.

Step Three: Repeat

Repeat this until you come to the inevitable conclusion that you two just weren’t right for each other and, more important, he wasn’t right for you.

So whatever happened during whatever period of time you were dating eventually ends up irrelevant, and you accept the fact that you don’t even need to hear his side of the story because your version is about one billion times more profound than any bullsh*t he will have to say.

You’re a betch, so you’re pretty f*cking smart, or at least smart enough to figure out that guys are pretty f*cking stupid. As long as your reasoning isn’t entirely delusional (again, lying to yourself isn’t cute and is instead marginally psychotic), then you’ll be able to get over him 100 percent of the time.

Unless he like, died—then take comfort in the fact that at least you weren’t dumped and like, see a real therapist.

What Would Karen Do?

The complete opposite. She will use this time to dwell on how perfect his jawline is while rereading every text conversation the two of them ever had. She will then Google “how to hack into Snapchat’s database to recover selfies of ex-boyfriend.”

After she sees “Results Not Found,” she will continue to talk about him until her friends kindly tell her to stop bitching about that bro, he was an asshole and never liked you.

She will storm away, feeling offended for about five minutes. When she gets home, she’ll troll Tinder until she finds him, will take a screenshot, send it to him and say, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE MOVED ON SO FAST. DIDN’T I MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!?!?”

He will not respond. She’ll think, he probs just didn’t get the text.

Dear Betch, 

Everybody says I’m young looking for my age. I’m 50. The trouble is, I’m seeing a lovely man who’s the same age as me.  He doesn’t look young for his age.  This doesn’t bother me.  I know it will bother other people and they will judge me‚—badly! They will say I’m desperate and be disgusted.  My daughter has met him a few times. She says he’s rugged because he’s a heavy smoker. This sounds petty, but it’s really worrying me. I’m giving a false name, Suzie.

Dear Babyface,

Thanks, but I didn’t even need the fake name. First, I would like to commend you for reading such a hip young site at your age. Share it with your family. Share it with your friends. Share it with your daughter and her friends.

Anyway, I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Nobody’s going to judge you for dating a man who looks older than you—in fact, they would probably think he’s a stud for dating someone who appears younger (and therefore I assume hotter) than him. You say you “know” it will bother other people and they will judge you, and they “will” say you’re desperate and they “will” be disgusted, but how do you know that? Has that even happened? I’m half your age but it doesn’t even sound realistic to me. Unless you actually ARE 25 and dating a 50-year-old, then yeah, people will judge you and call you a gold digger FOR SURE. But if you’re the same age, who cares? Focus on yourself and your relationship.

By the way, as a fellow babyface myself, please respond back and let me know what life is like at 50. Is looking 30 when you’re 50 everything it’s cracked up to be? I need to know.

Asking For A Friend (And That Friend Is Me),

The Betches

Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn’t throw his computer into the ocean first. Fire up your Outlook machine to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

I need some advice. There’s this guy that I’ve known for a while now. We run in the same very small and close group of friends. I see him basically everyday at my gym, where he works, and we all hang out every weekend. A couple weeks ago he started snapping me and texting me every night after work, but he’d pretty much completely ignore me at the gym, the most I could get out of him was a smile and a wave.

The smile was an improvement though, up until now he would completely avoid me whenever we were around each other. After a few weeks of this I was just kind of over it so through some flirty texts I told him he should ask me out sometime and he said that would be great and fun and we should go to dinner that Saturday.

Well that Saturday came around and I heard nothing from him about when and where we should go to dinner. So, I did what any self respecting betch would do and didn’t text him and went and hung out with my bff, which inevitably ended with us hanging at our other friends house where he also was, awkward! He never said anything about the date or apologized or tried to reschedule. So just when I wrote this guy off as a total jerk, who doesn’t deserve to be graced with my presence, our friends are getting food for dinner and he very loudly reminds them of my gluten allergy and tells them to get something different for me *swoon.*

What the hell am I suppose to do? Should I just ditch this guy? I know he likes me but he just seems too shy to do anything about it. And I know I can’t do anything else without coming off like completely desperate, which I am not!

Hugs,

Betch who’s losing the game

Woo, ok. It took me a while to stop laughing at this one, but: do yourself a favor and stop being so goddamned delusional. This guy doesn’t like you. “We should get dinner Saturday” is already pretty noncommittal, and doubly so when it’s in response to you awkwardly telling him to ask you out. He clearly had no intention of doing so. He sees you where he works, he knows all the same people and clearly knows how to contact you. And yet he didn’t. Because he doesn’t like you.

While remembering your fake gluten allergy is an undoubtedly swoon-worthy moment, you’ll have a much happier life if you stop reading into things that aren’t there. You are friends. He acts friendly towards you. This isn’t that hard. Wanting to believe something’s real when it isn’t doesn’t magically make it so. Trust me, I’ve been playing second base for the Washington Nationals in my head for years now, and I’ve inexplicably yet to receive an invite to spring training.

It’s not going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

Dear Head Pro,

Me and boyfriend have happily a year and 5 months we have always always had sex without a condom maybe the first 2we did used , but now since I’m in school and been really focused with my last year so I can graduate I have recently asked him for us to start using again , since I do not want any “accidents” so , I’m not sure if I took the right step on asking him the use condoms again, but his response was totally hum I don’t now maybe to supportive and Iam not sure if his being supportive because he has some-one on the side or because like he said “i want to be good with you and support  any decision and if that’s want you want I’m okay “

So right now I just want to know or have a different point of view of why he could be all this supportive when sometimes he really is that all supportive be like I said sometime he is and he is a great guy but something in side of me was like waiting for him to be like all upset and ask no to use it …

Dearly
-Nicky…

Sent from my iPhone

I’m like honestly offended by the stupidity of this question. Also, he’s definitely cheating on you. Only logical explanation.

Dear Head Pro,

Long story short my boyfriend and I just broke up as he cheated on me. At first he denied but then he fully came to admit his wrongdoing. It’s more of a he-said she-said situation as to what ACTUALLY happened, but from his story they just made out, it felt weird to him etc and he left. The girl denies everything & anything, but happened to tell her best friend that relayed the news to my roommate (so again it’s hard to know if his story is the truth)(also, they all work together, in finance of course). We were together two years, he’s 32 and I’m 24.

We’ve remained on really great terms since as he was/is my best friend and has openly voiced that he would do anything to get back together, loves me so, I’m the one etc etc blah blah blah. I’ve basically said we’re done until I figure out if I can believe/forgive/trust him again.

See the thing is now that his sister’s wedding is down south in about six weeks…. I was also supposed to be in said wedding, but because of these circumstances I’ve obviously bowed out. ANYWAYS, he still really wants me to come / so does his family and the only people who know we broke up are his immediate family members who, since he cheated on me, know it was his fault and that he fucked up majorly and are rooting for us.

Obviously going away together in the king suite we had booked, we are going to hook up, fight, and experience all the emotions, but ultimately it might help our relationship and worst case I’ll get a great tan. Anyways, I’m a little stuck as all my girlfriends despise his existence and I feel like they’re against this relationship (for good reason of course). Should I go down south with my ex & his family? Subquestion, is making out completely unforgivable and does this relationship deserve a second chance?

– I’ve asked way too many people about this so what’s one more.

Sent from Outlook

Wow, you’re really burying the lede here. Yeah, sure, I guess we can call making out cheating. Like, maybe it’s forgivable and maybe it isn’t, but it’s still on the no-no list. You’re pretty clearly grasping for any reason to forgive him because pretending things are back to normal (even though they’re not) is a lot easier than trying something new, but: do not go to that fucking wedding with him.

In no universe, real or imagined, will this ultimately “help” your relationship. It will ruin it irreparably. I’ve seen weddings ruin couples that weren’t in the process of reconciliation, so what chance do you think you have? It’s made even worse by the fact that this involves his family. There’s going to be so much pressure, and booze, and you’re going to get in a dumb fight and wind up fucking one of the groomsmen in an industrial kitchen. Then his entire family will go from half-assedly supporting you to hating your fucking guts, because you ruined his sister’s wedding.

Honestly, can we collectively make the choice to ignore our primitive impulses and cut it with the “forgiving people who cheat on us” shit? It’s a waste of time. No one’s that important to where, in the near or distant future, you won’t be happier with someone else and all but forget they existed. Like, you can go through the whole rigamarole of fighting and getting back together and (probably) ending up right where you are now, or you and your girlfriends can go do something cool like ride jet skis. I know what I’d do.

Who the fuck still uses outlook for their personal email?

Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn’t throw his computer into the ocean first. Fire up your Outlook machine to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.