In Which A Girl Who Hasn’t Changed Out Of Sweatpants In 13 Months Judges Celebrities’ Oscars Outfits

Last night, awards season 2021 came to a close (unless you count the Met Gala, which is really just a red carpet) with the 93rd annual Academy Awards. And while usually the Oscars are a big production that’s only mildly painful, last night the Academy had a pared-down ceremony held at Los Angeles’s Union Station. A handful of celebrities were in attendance, and they were not allowed to dress casually (a rule I’m 90% certain was put into place solely because of Jason Sudeikis at the Golden Globes). This year really separated the movie fans from the people who are forced to watch for work (hi), as it was fairly subdued compared to years past. That said, there were some standout moments. Daniel Kaluuya won Best Supporting Actor for his role in Judas & The Black Messiah and in his acceptance speech, thanked his parents for having sex. While his mom was in the audience. Chloé Zhao made history when she won Best Director for Nomadland, making her the first woman of color, and only the second woman, to do so. Yuh-jung Youn became the first Korean actress to win an Academy Award, and low-key shaded Brad Pitt in her acceptance speech. And because it wouldn’t be the Oscars without a colossal blunder at the very last minute, after mysteriously moving the award for Best Actor after Best Picture and spending all night alluding to Chadwick Boseman potentially winning the award posthumously, Best Actor went to… Anthony Hopkins.

But the real shame was the red carpet this year. Not because there were a lot of bad looks—in fact, because there were really no bad looks. As a professional hater, this took a real toll on me. I’ve been stuck inside for a year and forgotten how to clasp a bra; these celebrities can still serve looks more than a year into the pandemic?! They really are not just like us. That said, I know you all come for the outfit roasts, so I dug deep for this. Here I am, a person who has not changed out of athleisure (if sweatpants count as athleisure) for a full year, to make fun of couture designs about which I know nothing.

Laura Dern

Laura Dern 93rd Oscars

Serving both Moira Rose energy and the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast, Laura Dern’s Oscar de la Renta gown is the definition of business on top, party on the bottom. Which, incidentally, is what I put in my Hinge profile.

Olivia Colman

Olivia Colman 93rd Oscars

I know Trump is no longer in office, but I still do not want to see Handmaid outfits—not on Halloween and especially not on the red carpet. Last time I checked, Amy Coney Barrett was still on the Supreme Court. I know season 4 is coming out and we’re all hyped, but please, it’s too soon.

Viola Davis

Viola Davis at the 93rd Oscars

There’s always one bride on Say Yes to the Dress with a conservative family who goes for a Pnina Tornai gown that looks exactly like this, and it costs like, $15,000 over budget. *Adds to wedding Pinterest board*

Sacha Baron Cohen

Sacha Baron Cohen at the 93rd Oscars

Maybe it’s the brown jacket and the off-white pants with a white shirt—okay, yes, it’s definitely that combination of elements—but I feel like he’s about to walk right off the red carpet and try to either sell me some paper, or bust into an a cappella routine. Only thing that’s missing is the hat.

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon at the 93rd Oscars

You know the 2000s are coming back when people are just randomly throwing belts on garments that absolutely do not need belts. I did this in middle school with tops from Rainbow; Reese is doing it with a Christian Dior gown. At least I only ruined a $3 shirt, just saying!

Andra Day

Andra Day at the 93rd Oscars

Her glam looks amazing; there is absolutely no denying that. Hot take, though: this dress to me looks like something that’s gotten a designer sent home on Project Runway. I’m pretty sure I wore this to one theme party or another in college. The theme was, ironically, the Oscars, and I went as a sexy statue. 

Glenn Close

Glenn Close at the 93rd Oscars

I am still triggered from my high school years when wearing skirts over jeans was cool. I love the dress—just not sure why she had to add the gloves, or the pajama pants underneath. Maybe it makes things comfier, but at what cost?

Halle Berry

Halle Berry at the Oscars

My brain: Don’t say it looks like a vagina, don’t say it looks like a vagina, don’t say it looks like a vagina… Is this or is this not the diagram you’re shown in 6th grade health class to illustrate the menstruation process?

Diane Warren

Diane Warren at the 93rd Oscars

Didn’t realize they let Ghislaine Maxwell out of prison for this. Did nobody tell her?

Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images (5); Alberto Pezzali-Pool/Getty Images; Rick Rycroft-Pool/Getty Images; Matt Petit/A.M.P.A.S. via Getty Images (2)

The Best & Worst Dressed From The 2020 Oscars

Last night was The Oscars, and low-key to our dismay, most people actually came correct on the red carpet. There were a lot of amazing looks, but thankfully just enough missteps to give us memes to fuel us into the next awards season. And I still can’t figure out why Blac Chyna was invited to the Oscars. Maybe Kanye gave her his ticket? We may never know. In any case, here’s our best and worst dressed list from the 2020 Oscars.

Worst: Lily Aldridge

Is this a designer dress, or one of my used pads from a light flow day? Not sure if the period flower makes this otherwise blah dress more interesting to look at or worse. Also, why is Lily Aldridge at the Oscars? Maybe she snuck in with Blac Chyna?

Best: Mindy Kaling

Looked like a f*cking dream in a yellow Dolce & Gabbana dress and a diamond necklace that literally came with its own security team. Wait, wasn’t this the plot of the Ocean’s 11 remake?

Worst: Billy Porter

Drag me if you want, but I’m going to say it. This outfit is ugly. I am 100% in support of Billy Porter being extra AF and tearing down gender norms on every red carpet, but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy all of his looks. The feathered gold top and the giant printed skirt are both beautiful on their own, but they totally clash, and not in a cool fashion power-clash kind of way. I love Billy Porter, and I  always look forward to his over-the-top looks, but this one just didn’t do it for me.

Best: Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman’s black and gold dress was absolutely gorgeous, and the only thing that made her look even better was that she embroidered her cape with the names of all the female directors who got snubbed this year. We love a feminist queen.

Worst: Idina Menzel

I already needed a nap before the night started, and this dress did not help. I feel like Idina didn’t realize she needed to be at the Oscars until the day of and bought a dress off the rack at JC Penney. She looked wayyyy better in the white gown that she wore to perform during the show, so I kind of wish she had just worn that on the carpet.

Best: Janelle Monáe

Looking like a space empress who came down to save the galaxy from Trump, Coronavirus, and climate change. Janelle Monáe is so f*cking powerful, Thanos is shaking.

Worst: Laura Dern

Laura Dern was a big winner this award season, but she can’t win every award and every red carpet. I basically thought she could do no wrong until she showed up in this lampshade/outtakes from my grandma’s curtains. Sh*t happens. But still, she made everyone cry when she talked about her parents during her acceptance speech, so I’m not mad at her.

Best: Regina King

If I ever win an Oscar, the next year I’m showing up wearing sweatpants and a beanie. Suck it, Academy, my job is done here! But instead of doing that, Regina King followed up last year’s win by winning this year’s red carpet. This Versace gown is absolutely stunning, and Regina’s arms are no joke either. I seriously can’t stop looking at this.

Worst: Olivia Colman

I love that Olivia Colman isn’t afraid to make interesting choices on the red carpet, but that doesn’t mean I have to love all the actual choices she makes. This blue Stella McCartney dress fit her like a glove, but the big shoulder gemstones look like eyes, and when paired with those armpit cutouts, I can’t stop thinking that this dress looks like Stitch. Like, from Lilo & Stitch. Tell me I’m wrong if you want, but I saw what I saw.

Best: Scarlett Johansson

This dress might not be for everyone, but hey, that’s fashion. Scarlett Johansson had two nominations this year, and she looked hot AF in this drippy jeweled dress situation. That exposed corset has her waist looking seriously snatched, and I also love that the strapless cut shows off her back tattoo. Love her or hate her, but she looks fierce.

Worst: Sandra Oh

You know on Say Yes To The Dress, when there’s a bride who can’t stop talking about how much she loves tulle? Sandra Oh was channeling that vibe last night, with poofy tulle sleeves AND a giant ring of tulle around the whole hem of her dress. It was… a lot, especially coupled with the bow on the dress. Her glam looks great, but sometimes less is more!

Best: Brie Larson

Normally, I’m not that into capes on the red carpet, but Brie Larson just looks so good in this dress. The cut of the dress is pretty simple and extremely flattering, but then the all-over sparkles bring it to the exact right level of extra. I love that she kept her hair and makeup simple, and just let the dress do all the talking. God, she’s hot.

Worst: Kristen Wiig

I can appreciate that Kristen at least wore something interesting and not just a boring white dress that you could find at the Macy’s bridal section (looking at you, Renée Zellweger), but I’m just confused why she showed up dressed as a giant lasagna.

WTF: Blac Chyna

She doesn’t even go here! She actually looked good, but I still don’t understand how Blac Chyna managed to sneak past security. I’m sad she didn’t pop up on E! to tell Ryan Seacrest to “cut the cameras, deadass,” but we can’t always get what we want.

And with that, awards season 2020 has officially come to a close. I’d like to thank the Academy, Seamless, and coffee for getting me through. Seriously though, thank god this is over. See you here in May to talk sh*t about the Met Gala looks!

Images: Jeff Kravitz, Steve Granitz / Getty Images